Original subtitles

We're gonna have some fun tonight, Pawnee! [All cheering]

Who is ready to play 60?

Everybody on the field!

Yeah!

The NFL has a campaign to try to get kids active

for 60 minutes per day.

And so we bused in

a hundred lucky, little buggers from Pawnee.

And they are gonna get a chance to play with the Colts.

Oh! Come on, Reggie!

I told you to run a button hook.

- I did, Leslie. - Okay.

I guess you would know.

A pleasure to see you again, Mr. Luck.

We met briefly last year

- at our friend's bachelor party. - Oh, yeah. Right.

How are you?

I normally don't answer that question,

but since I respect your talent,

I will tell you-- I am fine.

Hi, I'm April.

I stole your wallet.

You guys are weird.

Thank you.

What's up, girl?

Keep walking, 98.

You don't even want to talk to that guy?

- He plays for the NFL. - He's a linebacker.

Skill positions only for Donna Meagle.

I got my Colts beanie,

my Colts scarf,

I got the Colts grill going,

and the crowning glory-- Colts slippies.

How are you going to run in those?

[Laughing] "Run"? Tommy doesn't run.

That's your guys' job.

Now, uh, let's go fetch this football throw, fellas.

I love sports.

[Triumphant music]

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Check it out, Tom-- the Eagleton reservoir.

Isn't it stunning?

It's just a big dumb pond.

This morning I saw a YouTube clip

of a little puppy riding a motorcycle.

So my bar for "stunning" is pretty high.

What if I told you that this water has fluoride in it?

Then I would tell you the puppy had a little side car

with a piggy in it named Hampton.

First of all, send me a link to that video.

But more importantly, now that we have access

to the Eagleton reservoir and the water-treatment supply,

Pawnee is going to have fluoride in its water

for the first time in our history,

our oral history.

Nailed it.

Of course I'm upset that I lost the recall election.

But I'm just gonna spend the remainder of my term

cramming in as many good projects as I can.

Lame duck? Try flame duck...

'cause this duck is on fire.

It's hard doing stupid government stuff

now that Rent-a-Swag's closed.

I'm a businessman. That's what I was born to do.

Well, look, you just got to make the most of the job

that you have.

Like, take that trash collector.

It's not the most glamorous job in the world,

but he's doing it with a smile on his face.

Oh, my God.

He's not wearing any pants. What's wrong with him?

- Let's get out of here. - He's smiling at us!

- Let's go! Run! - [Whimpering]

What's so exciting, everyone?

Look what Ron made. It's amazing.

Several months ago, I was on a walk

and found my crib tree.

I approached the tree, murdered it,

left it to cure in my woodshop,

and have begun working it into a crib

for my upcoming child.

Ron Swanson, you cannot use this crib.

You're ignoring every known crib-safety standard.

It's all covered in the parenting book I'm reading.

Are you going to crawl my way? By Lenny Kravitz.

My crib will be safe because I'm building it

with my own two hands.

I bought my crib in Bloomington,

and I am confident that it is literally

the safest crib in the explored universe.

Let me take you there,

and you can talk to the salesperson.

Counteroffer--

you take me nowhere, and I talk to no one.

Counter-counteroffer--

you come with me, or I make you attend

a four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting.

Either way, it's a win for me.

Next on the docket is a vote to approve

the Pawnee-Eagleton reservoir merger.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're just goosing our water supply with fluoride?

I mean, come on.

Are we really gonna force every Pawnee resident

to ingest a chemical we know nothing about?

Fluoride is used by the communists

to control our minds.

No, it's not.

Fluoride can control minds?

Like, you can use it to make ladies do stuff?

How am I the one that is getting booted off

of this city council?

Okay, fluoride is safe,

it is good for you,

and almost every town in America uses it.

Ah, all right.

You got me.

I don't want fluoride in the water

because I'm a dentist, and I like cavities.

Yeah, that is not a valid reason.

Pawnee's cavity problem

is why a small-town dentist,

like me, can afford such a boss ride.

Got an Asian girl to sit in it once.

Why did we come out here?

Come on, Jamm.

Fluoride in the water-- it's a no-brainer.

Can't you just let me have this one?

No can do, Knopey.

As a matter of fact, I would like to propose

my own bill-- the Pawnee Clean Water Bill,

which prohibits adding anything

to our water supply forever.

Jamm's not going to be able

to kill this reservoir merger, is he?

On my side, I have facts, science, and reason.

All he has is fear-mongering.

Oh, my God, he's gonna win.

Yeah, people get jittery about stuff like this.

Remember last year when no one would get flu shots

'cause there was a rumor they turned you European?

Well, I'll figure something out.

Oh, Jessica's here. I better go.

- Okay, bye. - Hey, sugar butt.

Some lardos in Muncie ate tainted Sweetums toffee sticks

and diarrhea'd so much, they ended up in the hospital.

Ugh.

Can we give their school,

like, a new seesaw or something?

Yeah.

Thanks.

The new site looks good. Nice work.

Oh, my God. These dogs are so cute.

I want to throw up and kill myself.

Animal control had to take in all the pets from Eagleton.

And Crazy Craig used to run all their shelters,

so he helped me make an adoption website

for all the dogs.

If you can look at that site

and not want to take home 50 dogs,

you're basically a war criminal.

[Groans]

See the way that dog

is rolling around in a puddle?

That's something Andy does when he gets hot.

Oh, my God, you're right.

That is so Andy.

Oh, my God. That dog is totally...

Both: Tom!

I don't know why. It doesn't look like him.

But it just is.

It's like the dog is the essence of Tom.

[Gasps] Okay, important meeting

in the conference room right now.

We are going to all pick our spirit dogs.

Oh, I've got to pick up Gayle at the airport.

Larry, I swear to God,

if you leave right now, we will make your spirit dog

a miniature schnauzer.

- Is that bad? - Yes!

Get in there!

Ann found this place.

It's where we bought our "Sounds of Nature" machine.

You bought a machine that replicates

an open window?

Frasier! Chris Traeger.

Do you remember me?

I came in here looking for the Vanna White book

on child care--

I'd like to solve the puzzle of parenting.

Could you show my friend, Ron,

that amazing crib that you sold me?

The Babylove L'il Sweetheart Safe 4 Ever and Ever model.

Oh, yeah, that thing is a deathtrap.

- I'm sorry? - Just found out this morning--

it's being recalled.

They found maxicylofentabol in the glue.

Is that good? It sounds bad.

It burned off my fingernails.

I'll be in the car.

Councilwoman Leslie Knope wants to put fluoride,

which is a chemical, into your drinking water.

You know what else is a chemical?

Strychnine and cyanide.

- What? - And dirt...

and rust and even broken glass.

Exactly.

You definitely understand what chemicals are, Perd.

I would suggest if you want to contact the psychopath

that wants to turn your kids into bad-at-math,

communist fluoride zombies,

well, just call the number at the bottom of your screen.

[Phone rings]

Leslie Knope.

Stop right there. You know what?

Fluoride protects your teeth,

and it's perfectly healthy for you.

Well, if Jamm says that, then he is a lying idiot,

and if you believe it, then so are you.

[Phone receiver thuds] Whoa.

You just talked to that person like I talk to you.

- You can't do that. - Why not?

What are they gonna do, kick me out of office?

Why did it take me so long to realize this?

There are no consequences to my actions anymore.

No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me.

I'm like a white, male U.S. senator.

[Phone rings]

Fluoride is going into the water, moron.

Oh. Hey, mom. Sorry.

Because all it does is prevent cavities!

God!

I expected more from you.

Right. I'm a loose cannon.

We need to fight fire with fire.

I call a town hall meeting, I gather everyone together,

I distribute the binders,

but now the binders are bright yellow!

Om!

[Imitates explosion]

- Too extreme? - Too nothing.

Look, Jamm's already ruined fluoride.

Everyone's scared of it.

What if we just called it something else?

What do you mean?

I mean we rebrand.

No one cared about Calvin Broadus

until he started calling himself Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Then when people got tired of that,

he went by Snoop Dogg,

and now he's Snoop Lion.

What's he gonna be in ten years--Snoop Laser Snake?

Who knows?

What are you saying-- we need to sex up fluoride?

I don't know, Tom.

It's a pretty sexy topic already.

Leslie, you got to give people something to get excited about.

You told me to make the most of my job.

I'm good at this stuff.

Now, are you a loose cannon or not?

Yeah.

I'm as loose as a goose.

Do your thing, Tom.

Aw.

Now, remember, it's about finding a dog

that captures your spirit.

- See? This is Craig. - [Chuckles]

Oh, no! That is insane!

I will burn this place to the ground

if you pick that one!

Okay, good choice.

You guys, Leslie.

Yes! And...

Ron Swanson.

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

- This is Larry. - That's great.

Bingo. Donna. Nailed it.

- Ooh. - [Laughs]

Because you're pretty and you like makeup and stuff.

Game over.

Ron, I want to do things the Swanson way.

Wonderful.

First rule-- no conversation lasts longer

than 100 total words.

You have used 9. I have used 20.

- Continue. - Fun.

I'd like you to teach me to build a crib.

Why do you need to build your own crib?

Because I no longer trust anything

other than my own two hands.

It is debilitating, but exciting.

Okay, we'll go to my woodshop at lunch.

Wonderful. Look at us--

both standing on the cusp of fatherhood.

I know we haven't spent a lot of time together,

- but-- - 100.

All right, so, in conclusion...

fluoride, chemical,

tiny genitals, misinformation,

panic, death, Jenny McCarthy.

Well, I don't know, councilman.

That was a little dry.

What do you say we have some fun, huh?

Check this.

Plain water? Yuck.

I'm bored.

Then try this.

[Hip-hop music]

What the--

what just happened?

That water contains teeth dazzler,

which makes your teeth stronger

and starts a party in your mouth.

What? Fluoride's boring, guys.

Boo!

Welcome to T-dazzle.

It's not a chemical.

It's an aquatic-based social-media oral experience.

Everyone who tweets at T-dazzle in the next hour

will be entered to win an exciting plain blue T-shirt.

I say "T," you say "dazzle."

"T." All: Dazzle.

"T." All: Dazzle.

"T." All: Dazzle.

Thank you for the woodworking lesson, Ron.

This whole crib-recall thing has got me

literally rethinking everything

I thought I knew about parenting.

What sleep method will you be using--

Ferber, Sears?

Swanson method,

where you close your eyes and fall asleep.

I really wish Ron would engage,

but he exudes so much wisdom that I can learn parenting tips

simply by being in his presence.

Someone like Ron is teaching even when they're not teaching.

Does that make sense?

My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.

[Laughs]

Our polling shows that 72% of citizens

are in favor of adding T-dazzle to their water,

effectively killing Councilman Jamm's so-called

Clean Water Bill.

Eat it, Jamm. I won.

Apology accepted.

You know, I've actually come around

to your way of thinking on this.

My only thought is, why stop here?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sweetums president Jessica Wicks.

[Applause]

Whoo!

Look, we all love T-dazzle.

But we can do more to improve our drinking supply.

Sweetums is excited to propose an alternative

to boring municipal water.

We call it "Drink-ems"!

Whoo!

Sweetums is prepared to take over

the management of Pawnee's water.

This is gonna save this town beaucoup bucks.

Take a sip of this delicious water

and imagine it coming out of your faucets at home.

This water is filled with sugar.

There's absolutely no way we are doing this.

Checkmate.

Did you bring those with you just to do that?

- Maybe. - Damn.

It is a baller move.

What are we gonna do now, Leslie?

Hey.

Okay, are you still mad at me about the poodle thing?

It was just a dumb game.

I can pick another dog.

I'm not mad about the choice.

I'm mad about your reasons.

"Pretty," "makeup"-- is that all you know about me?

We don't hang out that much.

It's not like you know a ton about me.

You're beautiful, yet cold and aloof.

You pride yourself on being a loner.

You do not obey, you choose to cooperate.

And when you stop baring your fangs to pick a mate,

it's for life.

And you're fiercely loyal to your pack,

which makes you a rare black Siberian husky.

That was so spot-on, it was scary.

I need to go lie down for 45 minutes.

No, an hour...

a full hour.

Good morning.

This won't take long.

Simply put, it would be madness

to let Sweetums take over our water supply

and pump it full of sugar.

What's next--

cookie dough toothpaste?

Bad example. That would be amazing.

My point is, Sweetums is an evil, profit-hungry corporation

that is ruining our health.

Ever since Sweetums opened its doors,

obesity is up 100%.

It's unacceptable.

Down with that poison-peddling corporate monster.

Down with Sweetums!

[Reporters chattering]

- Hey. - Hey.

Heard about your speech. Sounded great.

I wish you could've seen it. It felt so good.

I love loose cannon-ing.

You know, I love the power of no consequences.

Well, unfortunately, there has been one consequence.

I just got fired from Sweetums.

Because you were embezzling...

I hope.

Hey, Jessica!

Did you do something to your hair?

Because, sister, you look good enough to eat.

Num num num num num.

What do you want, Leslie?

You can't punish Ben for something I did.

It's not fair.

I love him, and I will do anything

to help him get his job back.

What do you want?

I want you to formally apologize

for what you said about Sweetums.

I want you to say that we're a moral,

upstanding corporation that you're proud to have in Pawnee.

And when you make your apology,

I want you to wear a lime-green pantsuit

because it will look horrible on you.

You are such an autumn.

Did you need me for something?

Yes, I want to figure out your spirit dog,

and I'm going to do that

by learning everything there is to know about you.

All right. Game on.

Okay, what's your favorite color?

For cars, it's gold. For shoes, it's red--

unless it's the weekend, then reverse them.

- Favorite music? - 1970s funk and 1770s opera

and Sugar Ray, post Mark McGrath

after he left for Entertainment Tonight.

- Favorite book? - Downton Abbey.

- That's not a-- - Downton...Abbey.

Okay.

Um, describe your perfect Sunday.

Church,

do the Harper's Magazine Acrostic,

play my oboe in the jacuzzi

while the sun sets over puget sound.

Favorite movies?

In order-- Natural Born Killers,

Remains of the Day,

and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.

Excellent.

Thank you very much for your time.

I will have your answer shortly.

No idea.

If a joint is properly fashioned,

all you need to do is guide it into place.

"All you need to do is guide it into place."

What I get from that is, when parenting,

sometimes a subtle hand is more effective

than a strong one.

This is already so much more helpful

than the last book on parenting I read--

Rad Dads by Apolo Anton Ohno and Shaun White.

Nah.

Ron, why did you throw that wood away?

It's unstable. It's no good.

I just don't understand

"the throwing away the wood" metaphor.

What's the lesson?

Oh, I know! It's potty-training.

That trash can is the toilet, and the wood was the feces.

Chris, I'm not teaching you anything.

We're just building a crib.

No, I know you're not

consciously teaching me anything.

I'm trying to siphon off

some of your calm, centered wisdom

through metaphors.

Metaphors?

I hate metaphors.

That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick--

no froufrou symbolism,

just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal.

That's enough for today, I think.

- An organized child is a-- - No.

[Sighs] Okay, I've been working on this for three hours,

and I know your spirit dog.

You are a Nova Scotia toller,

because you're outgoing and adventurous.

And you love Canada?

- No, that's not right. - No, it isn't.

But I appreciate the effort.

We're good.

And don't beat yourself up.

You'll probably never guess what kind of dog I am.

You're right. I'll never guess what kind of dog you are,

because you're not a dog.

You're a cat.

You're temperamental.

You're unpredictable, complex, and hard to read.

You make people work before you let them in.

But if they put the time in and prove that they care,

then you open yourself up to them.

Right?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hmm. [Purrs]

"So let's all raise a glass,

"full of delicious, sugary drinking water,

to Sweetums-- a Pawnee Institution."

Leslie, don't do this.

I have to, Ben. We can't both be out of a job.

What will we do-- sleep all day,

take cooking classes together,

sit on a couch and watch movies?

- God, that sounds horrible. - There's more at stake here.

I mean, you apologize, it'll be an endorsement

- for the Drink-ems plan. - I know that, but--

And everything you said about Sweetums was right on.

I mean, 90% of the charity work I did

was to compensate for messes they caused.

And I don't want to work for them anymore.

Are you sure?

Yeah, just go up there, stick to your guns.

It's not gonna make a difference.

I can't beat them.

All I have on my side is facts and science,

and people hate facts and science.

Wait. I have an idea.

Go get Tom. Run! Get Tom!

Yesterday I said some pretty harsh things

about Sweetums and their great new product.

But when I looked at the research,

I found some pretty compelling facts about Drink-ems

that made me change my tune.

Each Drink-ems is packed with 35%

of your daily monopotassium phosphate requirement.

MPP is an emulsifier as well as a plus-7 PH buffer.

Now, I know what you're thinking--

what about its molar mass?

How does 136.086 grab you?

[Hip-hop beat] What the--

I don't know about y'all,

but Drink-ems seems pretty boring to me,

not like H-2-flow.

Excuse me.

I have several binders with very important data

that I need to get through.

Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it

if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush.

Think of H-2-flow as an app for your teeth.

The more flow you take in, the more sparkle points you get.

Get enough sparkle points,

and you're on your way to your first aqua badge!

Collect enough aqua badges,

and we'll welcome you to the H-2-flow Platinum Club.

I'm great at business, and I'm great at parks stuff.

I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan.

I can paint,

but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.

Ron, what's this?

The crib I built.

I'm giving it to you and Ann.

It's perfectly safe.

I tested it by hitting it with my truck.

Well, Ron, I can't accept.

This is for your baby.

There's more than one crib tree in a forest.

That's not a lesson, by the way,

just a comment on lumber availability.

It's beautiful. Thank you.

Nobody has all the right answers

in parenting, including me.

And that toxic crib you bought

won't be the last mistake you make.

But a man who's this worried

about making all the right choices

cares very much.

That's all that matters.

You'll be a great father.

Thank you, Ron...

for the crib and the advice.

It's much better than any metaphor.

Does the white whale actually symbolize

the unknowability and meaninglessness

of human existence?

[Chuckles] No.

It's just a [bleep] fish.

Hey, good news.

Drink-ems is dead.

As of tomorrow, every Pawnee resident

will have H-2-flow in their drinking water.

That's great news.

H-2-flow is fluoride, right?

I think so.

I'll double-check with Tom, but I'm, like, 95% sure.

Wow. Look at us.

Two people, who are about to have zero jobs.

Weird, huh?

And you and I--

we always land on our feet, right?

- Yeah. - Uh-oh!

Guess who won that plain blue T-shirt?

No way!

Look how blue it is.

Wow. Things are already looking up.

Yeah!

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