All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e08 Fluoride.eng

We're gonna have some fun tonight, Pawnee!
[All cheering]

Who is ready to play 60?

Everybody on the field!

Yeah!

The NFL has a campaign
to try to get kids active

for 60 minutes per day.

And so we bused in

a hundred lucky,
little buggers from Pawnee.

And they are gonna get a chance
to play with the Colts.

Oh! Come on, Reggie!

I told you to run a button hook.

- I did, Leslie.
- Okay.

I guess you would know.

A pleasure to see you again,
Mr. Luck.

We met briefly last year

- at our friend's bachelor party.
- Oh, yeah. Right.

How are you?

I normally don't answer
that question,

but since I respect
your talent,

I will tell you--
I am fine.

Hi, I'm April.

I stole your wallet.

You guys are weird.

Thank you.

What's up, girl?

Keep walking, 98.

You don't even want to talk
to that guy?

- He plays for the NFL.
- He's a linebacker.

Skill positions only
for Donna Meagle.

I got my Colts beanie,

my Colts scarf,

I got the Colts grill going,

and the crowning glory--
Colts slippies.

How are you going
to run in those?

[Laughing]
"Run"? Tommy doesn't run.

That's your guys' job.

Now, uh, let's go fetch
this football throw, fellas.

I love sports.

[Triumphant music]

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Check it out, Tom--
the Eagleton reservoir.

Isn't it stunning?

It's just a big dumb pond.

This morning I saw
a YouTube clip

of a little puppy riding
a motorcycle.

So my bar for "stunning"
is pretty high.

What if I told you that
this water has fluoride in it?

Then I would tell you
the puppy had a little side car

with a piggy in it
named Hampton.

First of all,
send me a link to that video.

But more importantly,
now that we have access

to the Eagleton reservoir
and the water-treatment supply,

Pawnee is going to have fluoride
in its water

for the first time
in our history,

our oral history.

Nailed it.

Of course I'm upset
that I lost the recall election.

But I'm just gonna spend
the remainder of my term

cramming in as many
good projects as I can.

Lame duck?
Try flame duck...

'cause this duck is on fire.

It's hard doing
stupid government stuff

now that Rent-a-Swag's closed.

I'm a businessman.
That's what I was born to do.

Well, look, you just got
to make the most of the job

that you have.

Like, take that trash collector.

It's not the most glamorous job
in the world,

but he's doing it
with a smile on his face.

Oh, my God.

He's not wearing any pants.
What's wrong with him?

- Let's get out of here.
- He's smiling at us!

- Let's go! Run!
- [Whimpering]

What's so exciting, everyone?

Look what Ron made.
It's amazing.

Several months ago,
I was on a walk

and found my crib tree.

I approached the tree,
murdered it,

left it to cure in my woodshop,

and have begun working it
into a crib

for my upcoming child.

Ron Swanson,
you cannot use this crib.

You're ignoring every known
crib-safety standard.

It's all covered in
the parenting book I'm reading.

Are you going to crawl my way?
By Lenny Kravitz.

My crib will be safe
because I'm building it

with my own two hands.

I bought my crib
in Bloomington,

and I am confident
that it is literally

the safest crib
in the explored universe.

Let me take you there,

and you can talk
to the salesperson.

Counteroffer--

you take me nowhere,
and I talk to no one.

Counter-counteroffer--

you come with me,
or I make you attend

a four-hour fax cover-sheet
protocol meeting.

Either way, it's a win for me.

Next on the docket is
a vote to approve

the Pawnee-Eagleton
reservoir merger.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're just goosing our
water supply with fluoride?

I mean, come on.

Are we really gonna force
every Pawnee resident

to ingest a chemical
we know nothing about?

Fluoride is used
by the communists

to control our minds.

No, it's not.

Fluoride can control minds?

Like, you can use it
to make ladies do stuff?

How am I the one
that is getting booted off

of this city council?

Okay, fluoride is safe,

it is good for you,

and almost every town
in America uses it.

Ah, all right.

You got me.

I don't want fluoride
in the water

because I'm a dentist,
and I like cavities.

Yeah, that is not
a valid reason.

Pawnee's cavity problem

is why a small-town dentist,

like me, can afford
such a boss ride.

Got an Asian girl
to sit in it once.

Why did we come out here?

Come on, Jamm.

Fluoride in the water--
it's a no-brainer.

Can't you just let me
have this one?

No can do, Knopey.

As a matter of fact,
I would like to propose

my own bill--
the Pawnee Clean Water Bill,

which prohibits adding anything

to our water supply forever.

Jamm's not going to be able

to kill this reservoir merger,
is he?

On my side, I have facts,
science, and reason.

All he has
is fear-mongering.

Oh, my God, he's gonna win.

Yeah, people get jittery
about stuff like this.

Remember last year
when no one would get flu shots

'cause there was a rumor
they turned you European?

Well,
I'll figure something out.

Oh, Jessica's here.
I better go.

- Okay, bye.
- Hey, sugar butt.

Some lardos in Muncie ate
tainted Sweetums toffee sticks

and diarrhea'd so much,
they ended up in the hospital.

Ugh.

Can we give their school,

like, a new seesaw
or something?

Yeah.

Thanks.

The new site looks good.
Nice work.

Oh, my God.
These dogs are so cute.

I want to throw up
and kill myself.

Animal control had to take in
all the pets from Eagleton.

And Crazy Craig used to run
all their shelters,

so he helped me make
an adoption website

for all the dogs.

If you can look at that site

and not want to take home
50 dogs,

you're basically
a war criminal.

[Groans]

See the way that dog

is rolling around in a puddle?

That's something Andy does
when he gets hot.

Oh, my God, you're right.

That is so Andy.

Oh, my God.
That dog is totally...

Both: Tom!

I don't know why.
It doesn't look like him.

But it just is.

It's like the dog is
the essence of Tom.

[Gasps]
Okay, important meeting

in the conference room
right now.

We are going to all pick
our spirit dogs.

Oh, I've got to pick up Gayle
at the airport.

Larry, I swear to God,

if you leave right now,
we will make your spirit dog

a miniature schnauzer.

- Is that bad?
- Yes!

Get in there!

Ann found this place.

It's where we bought
our "Sounds of Nature" machine.

You bought a machine
that replicates

an open window?

Frasier!
Chris Traeger.

Do you remember me?

I came in here looking
for the Vanna White book

on child care--

I'd like to solve the puzzle
of parenting.

Could you show my friend, Ron,

that amazing crib
that you sold me?

The Babylove L'il Sweetheart
Safe 4 Ever and Ever model.

Oh, yeah,
that thing is a deathtrap.

- I'm sorry?
- Just found out this morning--

it's being recalled.

They found maxicylofentabol
in the glue.

Is that good?
It sounds bad.

It burned off my fingernails.

I'll be in the car.

Councilwoman Leslie Knope
wants to put fluoride,

which is a chemical,
into your drinking water.

You know what else is
a chemical?

Strychnine and cyanide.

- What?
- And dirt...

and rust and even broken glass.

Exactly.

You definitely understand
what chemicals are, Perd.

I would suggest if you want
to contact the psychopath

that wants to turn your kids
into bad-at-math,

communist fluoride zombies,

well, just call the number
at the bottom of your screen.

[Phone rings]

Leslie Knope.

Stop right there.
You know what?

Fluoride protects your teeth,

and it's perfectly healthy
for you.

Well, if Jamm says that,
then he is a lying idiot,

and if you believe it,
then so are you.

[Phone receiver thuds]
Whoa.

You just talked to that person
like I talk to you.

- You can't do that.
- Why not?

What are they gonna do,
kick me out of office?

Why did it take me so long
to realize this?

There are no consequences
to my actions anymore.

No matter what I do, literally
nothing bad can happen to me.

I'm like
a white, male U.S. senator.

[Phone rings]

Fluoride is going
into the water, moron.

Oh. Hey, mom.
Sorry.

Because all it does
is prevent cavities!

God!

I expected more from you.

Right.
I'm a loose cannon.

We need to fight
fire with fire.

I call a town hall meeting,
I gather everyone together,

I distribute the binders,

but now the binders are
bright yellow!

Om!

[Imitates explosion]

- Too extreme?
- Too nothing.

Look, Jamm's
already ruined fluoride.

Everyone's scared of it.

What if we just called it
something else?

What do you mean?

I mean we rebrand.

No one cared
about Calvin Broadus

until he started calling
himself Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Then when people got tired
of that,

he went by Snoop Dogg,

and now he's Snoop Lion.

What's he gonna be
in ten years--Snoop Laser Snake?

Who knows?

What are you saying--
we need to sex up fluoride?

I don't know, Tom.

It's a pretty sexy topic
already.

Leslie, you got to give people
something to get excited about.

You told me to make
the most of my job.

I'm good at this stuff.

Now, are you
a loose cannon or not?

Yeah.

I'm as loose as a goose.

Do your thing, Tom.

Aw.

Now, remember,
it's about finding a dog

that captures your spirit.

- See? This is Craig.
- [Chuckles]

Oh, no!
That is insane!

I will burn this place
to the ground

if you pick that one!

Okay, good choice.

You guys, Leslie.

Yes!
And...

Ron Swanson.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God.

- This is Larry.
- That's great.

Bingo. Donna.
Nailed it.

- Ooh.
- [Laughs]

Because you're pretty
and you like makeup and stuff.

Game over.

Ron, I want to do things
the Swanson way.

Wonderful.

First rule--
no conversation lasts longer

than 100 total words.

You have used 9.
I have used 20.

- Continue.
- Fun.

I'd like you to teach me
to build a crib.

Why do you need to build
your own crib?

Because I no longer trust
anything

other than my own two hands.

It is debilitating,
but exciting.

Okay, we'll go to my woodshop
at lunch.

Wonderful.
Look at us--

both standing
on the cusp of fatherhood.

I know we haven't spent
a lot of time together,

- but--
- 100.

All right, so, in conclusion...

fluoride, chemical,

tiny genitals, misinformation,

panic, death, Jenny McCarthy.

Well, I don't know, councilman.

That was a little dry.

What do you say
we have some fun, huh?

Check this.

Plain water?
Yuck.

I'm bored.

Then try this.

[Hip-hop music]

What the--

what just happened?

That water contains
teeth dazzler,

which makes your teeth stronger

and starts a party
in your mouth.

What?
Fluoride's boring, guys.

Boo!

Welcome to T-dazzle.

It's not a chemical.

It's an aquatic-based
social-media oral experience.

Everyone who tweets
at T-dazzle in the next hour

will be entered to win
an exciting plain blue T-shirt.

I say "T,"
you say "dazzle."

"T."
All: Dazzle.

"T."
All: Dazzle.

"T."
All: Dazzle.

Thank you for
the woodworking lesson, Ron.

This whole crib-recall thing
has got me

literally rethinking everything

I thought I knew
about parenting.

What sleep method
will you be using--

Ferber, Sears?

Swanson method,

where you close
your eyes and fall asleep.

I really wish Ron would engage,

but he exudes so much wisdom
that I can learn parenting tips

simply by being
in his presence.

Someone like Ron is teaching
even when they're not teaching.

Does that make sense?

My anxiety has kept me up
for over 50 hours.

[Laughs]

Our polling shows
that 72% of citizens

are in favor of adding
T-dazzle to their water,

effectively killing
Councilman Jamm's so-called

Clean Water Bill.

Eat it, Jamm.
I won.

Apology accepted.

You know, I've actually
come around

to your way of thinking
on this.

My only thought is,
why stop here?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sweetums president
Jessica Wicks.

[Applause]

Whoo!

Look, we all love T-dazzle.

But we can do more to improve
our drinking supply.

Sweetums is excited
to propose an alternative

to boring municipal water.

We call it "Drink-ems"!

Whoo!

Sweetums is prepared
to take over

the management
of Pawnee's water.

This is gonna save this town
beaucoup bucks.

Take a sip
of this delicious water

and imagine it coming
out of your faucets at home.

This water is filled
with sugar.

There's absolutely no way
we are doing this.

Checkmate.

Did you bring those with you
just to do that?

- Maybe.
- Damn.

It is a baller move.

What are we gonna do now,
Leslie?

Hey.

Okay, are you still mad at me
about the poodle thing?

It was just a dumb game.

I can pick another dog.

I'm not mad about the choice.

I'm mad about your reasons.

"Pretty," "makeup"--
is that all you know about me?

We don't hang out that much.

It's not like you know
a ton about me.

You're beautiful,
yet cold and aloof.

You pride yourself
on being a loner.

You do not obey,
you choose to cooperate.

And when you stop baring
your fangs to pick a mate,

it's for life.

And you're fiercely loyal
to your pack,

which makes you
a rare black Siberian husky.

That was so spot-on,
it was scary.

I need to go lie down
for 45 minutes.

No, an hour...

a full hour.

Good morning.

This won't take long.

Simply put, it would be madness

to let Sweetums take over
our water supply

and pump it full of sugar.

What's next--

cookie dough toothpaste?

Bad example.
That would be amazing.

My point is, Sweetums is an
evil, profit-hungry corporation

that is ruining our health.

Ever since Sweetums
opened its doors,

obesity is up 100%.

It's unacceptable.

Down with that poison-peddling
corporate monster.

Down with Sweetums!

[Reporters chattering]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Heard about your speech.
Sounded great.

I wish you could've seen it.
It felt so good.

I love loose cannon-ing.

You know, I love the power
of no consequences.

Well, unfortunately,
there has been one consequence.

I just got fired from Sweetums.

Because you were embezzling...

I hope.

Hey, Jessica!

Did you do something
to your hair?

Because, sister,
you look good enough to eat.

Num num num num num.

What do you want, Leslie?

You can't punish Ben
for something I did.

It's not fair.

I love him,
and I will do anything

to help him get his job back.

What do you want?

I want you
to formally apologize

for what
you said about Sweetums.

I want you to say
that we're a moral,

upstanding corporation that
you're proud to have in Pawnee.

And when you make your apology,

I want you to wear
a lime-green pantsuit

because it will look horrible
on you.

You are such an autumn.

Did you need me for something?

Yes, I want to figure out
your spirit dog,

and I'm going to do that

by learning everything there is
to know about you.

All right. Game on.

Okay, what's
your favorite color?

For cars, it's gold.
For shoes, it's red--

unless it's the weekend,
then reverse them.

- Favorite music?
- 1970s funk and 1770s opera

and Sugar Ray,
post Mark McGrath

after he left
for Entertainment Tonight.

- Favorite book?
- Downton Abbey.

- That's not a--
- Downton...Abbey.

Okay.

Um, describe
your perfect Sunday.

Church,

do the Harper's Magazine
Acrostic,

play my oboe in the jacuzzi

while the sun sets
over puget sound.

Favorite movies?

In order--
Natural Born Killers,

Remains of the Day,

and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.

Excellent.

Thank you very much
for your time.

I will have
your answer shortly.

No idea.

If a joint is
properly fashioned,

all you need to do
is guide it into place.

"All you need to do
is guide it into place."

What I get from that is,
when parenting,

sometimes a subtle hand
is more effective

than a strong one.

This is already
so much more helpful

than the last book
on parenting I read--

Rad Dads by Apolo Anton Ohno
and Shaun White.

Nah.

Ron, why did you throw
that wood away?

It's unstable.
It's no good.

I just don't understand

"the throwing away the wood"
metaphor.

What's the lesson?

Oh, I know!
It's potty-training.

That trash can is the toilet,
and the wood was the feces.

Chris, I'm not teaching you
anything.

We're just building a crib.

No, I know you're not

consciously teaching me
anything.

I'm trying to siphon off

some of your calm,
centered wisdom

through metaphors.

Metaphors?

I hate metaphors.

That's why my favorite book is
Moby Dick--

no froufrou symbolism,

just a good, simple tale
about a man who hates an animal.

That's enough for today,
I think.

- An organized child is a--
- No.

[Sighs] Okay, I've been
working on this for three hours,

and I know your spirit dog.

You are a Nova Scotia toller,

because you're
outgoing and adventurous.

And you love Canada?

- No, that's not right.
- No, it isn't.

But I appreciate the effort.

We're good.

And don't beat yourself up.

You'll probably never guess
what kind of dog I am.

You're right. I'll never guess
what kind of dog you are,

because you're not a dog.

You're a cat.

You're temperamental.

You're unpredictable, complex,
and hard to read.

You make people work
before you let them in.

But if they put the time in
and prove that they care,

then you open yourself up
to them.

Right?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hmm.
[Purrs]

"So let's all raise a glass,

"full of delicious,
sugary drinking water,

to Sweetums--
a Pawnee Institution."

Leslie, don't do this.

I have to, Ben.
We can't both be out of a job.

What will we do--
sleep all day,

take cooking classes together,

sit on a couch
and watch movies?

- God, that sounds horrible.
- There's more at stake here.

I mean, you apologize,
it'll be an endorsement

- for the Drink-ems plan.
- I know that, but--

And everything you said
about Sweetums was right on.

I mean, 90%
of the charity work I did

was to compensate
for messes they caused.

And I don't want to work
for them anymore.

Are you sure?

Yeah, just go up there,
stick to your guns.

It's not gonna make
a difference.

I can't beat them.

All I have on my side is
facts and science,

and people hate
facts and science.

Wait.
I have an idea.

Go get Tom.
Run! Get Tom!

Yesterday I said some pretty harsh things

about Sweetums
and their great new product.

But when I looked
at the research,

I found some pretty compelling
facts about Drink-ems

that made me change my tune.

Each Drink-ems is packed
with 35%

of your daily monopotassium
phosphate requirement.

MPP is an emulsifier as well
as a plus-7 PH buffer.

Now, I know
what you're thinking--

what about its molar mass?

How does 136.086 grab you?

[Hip-hop beat]
What the--

I don't know about y'all,

but Drink-ems seems
pretty boring to me,

not like H-2-flow.

Excuse me.

I have several binders
with very important data

that I need to get through.

Well, miss, I think
we'd all appreciate it

if you just swallowed
a teaspoon of hush.

Think of H-2-flow
as an app for your teeth.

The more flow you take in,
the more sparkle points you get.

Get enough sparkle points,

and you're on your way
to your first aqua badge!

Collect enough aqua badges,

and we'll welcome you
to the H-2-flow Platinum Club.

I'm great at business,
and I'm great at parks stuff.

I'm like Picasso meets
Michael Jordan.

I can paint,

but, uh, I can also be
a world-class gambler.

Ron, what's this?

The crib I built.

I'm giving it to you and Ann.

It's perfectly safe.

I tested it by hitting it
with my truck.

Well, Ron, I can't accept.

This is for your baby.

There's more than
one crib tree in a forest.

That's not a lesson,
by the way,

just a comment
on lumber availability.

It's beautiful.
Thank you.

Nobody has
all the right answers

in parenting, including me.

And that toxic crib you bought

won't be the last mistake
you make.

But a man who's this worried

about making
all the right choices

cares very much.

That's all that matters.

You'll be a great father.

Thank you, Ron...

for the crib and the advice.

It's much better
than any metaphor.

Does the white whale
actually symbolize

the unknowability
and meaninglessness

of human existence?

[Chuckles] No.

It's just a [bleep] fish.

Hey, good news.

Drink-ems is dead.

As of tomorrow,
every Pawnee resident

will have H-2-flow
in their drinking water.

That's great news.

H-2-flow is fluoride, right?

I think so.

I'll double-check with Tom,
but I'm, like, 95% sure.

Wow.
Look at us.

Two people, who are about
to have zero jobs.

Weird, huh?

And you and I--

we always land
on our feet, right?

- Yeah.
- Uh-oh!

Guess who won
that plain blue T-shirt?

No way!

Look how blue it is.

Wow. Things are
already looking up.

Yeah!

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