All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e03 Classic.eng

Okay, here's the text
I added a few more jokes,

slamming Eagleton at the end.

Mmm.
That's the sexiest thing

you've ever said to me.

I'm so glad you're on my team.

Are you sure you wanna
attack 'em

at this press conference?

It's a friendly wager

on a high school
basketball game.

I'm losing
the recall election, Ben.

Slamming Eagleton
is the easiest way

to score some points.

Look. Am I proud of it?
Yes.

Because Eagleton sucks.

But is it the classiest move?

Yes, because Eagleton sucks.

Would I do it again?

Yes, because Eagleton sucks.

This year, we get to host

the Pawnee-Eagleton
tip-off classic.

That awful human being
is Ingrid de Forest.

She's a city councilor
from Eagleton.

She thinks she's so great
because she won

the Miss Indiana
Beauty Pageant.

Last year.
While she was in office.

And pregnant.

As always,
we would like to make

a friendly wager with Eagleton.

If you beat us this year,

we will give you
a basket of apples

from our Pawnee orchard.

Ew, pesticide.
Yuck.

Oh, no, these
are pesticide-free.

I ate one of these
for breakfast this morning,

and I found a worm in it.

So, I bet somebody feels
pretty stupid right now.

Well, Leslie, I think
we had similar ideas.

If you win,
Eagleton will give you

this basket of oranges.

[Chuckles]

Of course,
it's silly to compare

apples and oranges,
but what the heck.

These are made
of Swarovski crystal,

and they're worth $700,000.

Leslie, you're down 15 points

in the latest poll
for the recall election.

What can you do
to make up the deficit?

I'll tell you what I'd do
if I was an Eagletonian.

I'd pop a Xanax

and ask my butler
to help me out.

[Laughter]

I mean, I'm not saying
that Eagletonians

are out of touch.

But when you tell 'em it's time

to change their oil, they ask,

"Extra virgin
or white truffle?"

[Laughter]

Thanks, guys.
I'll see ya at the game.

Unless, of course,
you're an Eagletonian,

and then you'll be too busy
polishing your monocle

at the caviar store.

Knope out.
[Microphone feedback]

[Laughter]

Yeah.

[Triumphant music]

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Who or what is Penny Saver?

It's a free circular
with a bunch of coupons in it.

This was sent to Ron Swanson

at Diane's address,

where I've lived
for less than a month.

How is that possible?

This is an extreme invasion
of privacy.

The right to privacy
is very important to me.

My family has had
a single P.O. box

for several generations.

We only ever subscribe
to two magazines,

Reader's Digest and Ebony.

Ebony was due
to a clerical error,

but it ended up being
an interesting year of reading.

I don't know how this
was delivered to me,

but it cannot happen again.

How can I stop it?

Mm. Donna is great
with this sort of thing.

She got me off the
Williams-Sonoma mailing list,

but then I just
signed back up again.

Hooked on their oven mitts.

I need my mitts on those mitts.

Let me know the second
Donna returns.

According to her Twitter feed,

she got coffee
five minutes ago.

Wait, now she's Ustreaming
her walk back.

She should be here
in three, two, one.

Both: Hey, hey.

Hashtag quest for coffee,
blowin' up my timeline.

You get my snapchat about it?

- No.
- What?

There it is.

- Hey, you wanted to see me?
- I did.

- Think fast.
- Oh, my God.

Hey, Dr. Buttons--

I mean, my old calculator.

It doesn't have a name.

Why did you throw this at me?

I just got off the phone
with our old boss

from Indianapolis,

and apparently there may be
some sort of

a budget problem in Eagleton.

He asked if maybe you and I

wouldn't have a look.
You in?

Butch Count-sidy
and the Sum-dance Kid,

together again.

Both: Hmm.
- Auditing bros!

Yeah, and auditing sistah.
Let's do this.

Oh, you're coming?

If there's a problem
with Eagleton,

I wanna be there.

That's like a dream come true.

Besides, I have a new routine
I'm working on.

Kind of like
a Jeff Foxworthy-type thing,

but about Eagleton.

[Southern accent]
If you make your omelet

out of Faberge eggs,

you just might...
Both: Be an Eagletonian.

Yippee! Road trip!

Who's excited to go
to Bloomington?

Is that where you're gonna sit?

I'm driving.
Where else would I sit?

Trunk.

I helped April get
into vet school in Bloomington

and today's her orientation,

so we're taking
a little road trip.

While I'm there,
I'm also gonna pick up

an organic baby blanket.

I would get one in Pawnee,
but fun fact--

our only baby store is attached
to a chemical refinery.

I made a special road trip
mix CD for us.

- I hope you like Tori Amos.
- Oh, cool.

It really is a pleasure
to see you

in this context, Ingrid.

Say cheese.

Damn it.
You look beautiful.

Can you give us
a little more information

surrounding the deficits
that you're running this year?

Ooh, gosh.

We don't really like
to talk about

[whispers]
money.

We find a little gauche.

This is a budget meeting.

Well, most of our files
are in these boxes

if you really wanna take a look

at how much that we've spent.

Why don't we just dig in

and see what we're up against?

Yes. And thank you.

We really appreciate your help.

Are you tipping me?

Is that 100...Euros?

People ought to have
the right to be left alone.

I wanna get completely
off the grid.

That's crazy talk.

I live for the grid.

It's where I meet
40% of my jump-offs.

And if you're off the grid,

how are you gonna post photos

of the dope food
at restaurants you're at

and all the cool places
you're stuntin' in?

Food is for eating.

Places are for being.
End of discussion.

Don't leave the grid, Ron.
The grid is the best.

If anything, you need
to get more on the grid.

Both: Grid, grid, grid,
grid, grid, grid, grid--

If you help me
get off the grid,

I will let both of you
go home early.

Both: No grid, no grid,
no grid, no grid.

All right, so you have

everything you need
for orientation?

Yeah, an empty Sprite can,

an old man's fingernail
in my pocket,

and a picture of Patrick Ewing

on a roller coaster.

- I'm all set.
- Great.

Hi. My friend here
is enrolling

in the vet school next month,

and she would like
to be shown around.

Totally, happy to.
I'm Laura.

I'm April Ludgate Kevorkian.

So you go with Laura,
who seems really nice

and does not deserve
to be tortured.

And I will come
meet up with you

after I finish
at the baby store.

Sure you wanna
leave me here with her?

What if I'm a murderer?

[Laughs]
Oh, that's funny.

This is worse
than I could've imagined.

Their debt-to-equity ratio
is ridonkulous.

[Laughs]
What a hilarious word.

It reminds me
of a ridiculous donkey.

He's the best.

What does this mean for them?

They were in financial trouble

a few years ago,
like Pawnee was,

but their government
just kept borrowing money.

Eagleton is on the brink

of an epic financial disaster.

Ahh.

Now that is the sexiest thing
you've ever said to me.

Really, that?

This is gonna hand me
the recall election.

I saved Pawnee from bankruptcy.

Now I get to remind people
of that fact

as we watch our worst enemy

collapse into bankruptcy.

Plus, guess what I get
to do after the game now.

You pretend you're Ingrid.

Let's pretend this box

is the basket of apples
I bet them on the game.

I see where
you're going with this.

- No, you don't.
- Yeah, you're gonna ask me

- if I like apples--
- Do you like apples?

We just watched this movie
two nights ago, so--

- Do you like apples?
- I don't wanna do this.

How about them apples?
[Laughs]

Paul, if you ever see
another one of these

with my name on it,

I want you to drive
into the woods and bury it.

I don't decide
who gets mail, sir.

I just deliver it.

Passing the buck--

the last refuge of the cowardly
and black-hearted.

- That seems harsh.
- Get out.

We got rid of your cell phone.

This is your last credit card.

Are you sure you want me
to cut up this card?

It gets you into
the parking garage.

I'll be taking the bus now,

and I'll be paying in cash.

What other traces of me
exist in the world?

Think, people.

Isn't there a photo of you
up at JJ's Diner,

from that time when you--
aah!

Come on, Tom!

This place is unbelievable.

It has everything I need:

Video monitors,
lead-free pacifiers.

These are the first bibs
I've ever seen

without Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s
face on them.

Really?

April?

Excuse me, sorry.

April, why aren't you
at orientation?

Um, I was at orientation,

but it was lame, so I left.

And then I kept walking,
and now here I am.

We are going back there
right now, young lady.

- Mm-mm.
- Come on.

God, get off me, stranger.

I'm so sorry we're late.

We came from
our bankruptcy brunch.

And Michael Buble played,
but he ran a little long.

I love Michael Buble.

Was a bankruptcy brunch
the best idea?

Sure, let's not have brunch...

[Chuckles]
like animals.

Well, um, some of
these expenditures

are questionable.

Uh, you filled the public pools
with bottled water?

Total body hydration.

What is this here?

This massive expenditure
from public works?

Ah, yes. Well, yes.

We purchased HBO
for the whole town.

I'm sorry.
You spent government money

on a TV subscription?

It's not TV.

Al right.
Uh, Leslie's put together

a presentation
for a financial recovery.

Great.

You may find it
very informative.

Let's get started
with our first slide.

"Well, well, well..."

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

JJ, a few months ago,
I came in here

and began eating eggs.

They were delicious,
so I ordered more.

Before long,
I believe I had eaten--

51 eggs in 20 minutes.

Couldn't cook 'em fast enough.

The last ten were still
in the shell.

It was a JJ's Diner record,
and you took his picture.

Now, we need that picture,
for privacy reasons.

Okay, but I don't know

how anybody
would know it's you.

We followed your instructions.

That's too much information.

Let's go.

Where are we going now?

I've eaten a lot of food
in a lot of restaurants.

Why is everyone else
so bad at eating?

I only agreed to come back here

because of our deal.

Do you promise to play along?

- Yes.
- Do you?

- Yes.
- Hi, you're back.

Hello again.

As you remember, I'm April,

and this is Ann,
my 65-year-old grandmother.

Yes, that's who I am.
Anyway,

we'd love to
hear about Bloomington.

It seems like a real hip
kind of college town.

Mee-maw, God, no one uses
the word hip anymore.

Sometimes I wish you
went down on the Titanic

with all your sorority sisters.

I would be happy
to show you guys

around the campus.

Is there anything in particular
that you wanna see?

How are your local graveyards?

[Whispers]
I have some planning to do.

"You blew it.

"Super hard.

"Complete buffoonery.

It's hilarious."

And "You deserve it."

Hey, you think you might wanna

take it easy on them
a little bit?

Oh, like they
took it easy on us

when they stole all our money

and seceded from our town?

That was 200 years ago.
Cool it.

Fine. I'll skip ahead.

Do you have a plan
that will help us or not?

We have borrowed absolutely

everything we can
from the state.

And really,
Pawnee is our only hope.

We do have a plan.

We are willing to provide
a bridge loan for $50,000.

25% interest
compounded monthly.

And you need to release
a statement that says

that Pawnee rules
and Eagleton drools.

Well, now you're just
being nasty.

I understand that our towns
have a complicated history,

but we have
a saying in Eagleton...

"You don't kick
a dressage horse

after a failed
pas de deux."

Whatever, blondie.

Your butler made your bed,
now you gotta lie in it.

And if you walk out that door,

none of us here,
and I repeat, none of us

will ever help you again.

Oh, my God.

They have Michael Buble
on retainer.

Okay, all public photos
of me recovered.

Nameplate removed
from my office door.

Pediatrician files confiscated
and destroyed.

- Anything I'm missing?
- Great news, Ron.

Jean-Ralphio
loves your shirt.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Oh, I've been taking pictures
of you all day

for my new Facebook album:

"Ronswan: Gettin' off the grid."

Tom, do you maybe see a problem

with what you've done?

I do now.
Yes, sorry.

Erase.

Erase. Erase.

Erase all pictures of Ron!

Erase all pictures of Ron!

Erase all pictures of Ron!

What the hell is happening?

I think you accidentally
opened up vine.

You just vined
your first selfie, Ron.

And I'm vining you
vine your selfie.

The world is a nightmare.

[Both laughing]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Erase all pictures of Ron!

All: Erase all pictures
of Ron!

[Laughs]

The B-line
is a cool outdoor trail

that cuts
right through downtown.

She said the B-line
is cool, Mee-maw.

Cool means good.

Thank you, Laura,
for showing us around.

Sure.

See you
in a couple weeks, April.

See?
This place is great.

Aren't you glad we came back
and talked to her?

No. It was pointless.

I'm not going to school here.

April, don't flake out on this.

You're gonna love it here.
Bloomington is great.

It's got culture and music
and tons of youngsters.

Youngsters?
Am I 65 years old?

Yeah, I'm not going here.
I don't want to.

Let's leave.

- Think fast.
- Oh!

Why do people keep assuming
I'm ready to catch things?

"Eagleton:
No money, mo' problems."

Fantastic, right?

I made enough of them
for everybody

to wear at the game.

I do like
a good internal rhyme.

Ben, you ready for dinner?

We can go over
the poll numbers.

Oh...you know,

I've got a few phone calls
to make.

Can you give me an hour?

I can meet you there.

Oh, my God.

- What is she doing here?
- I'm sorry, Leslie,

but you didn't really
help them very much,

so we volunteered to give them

a little financial advice.

You didn't actually
help us at all.

- Just one second.
- Yeah.

I'm just gonna
help them out, okay?

- Mm.
- Just for an hour.

He's just being
a good neighbor.

We're in a lot of trouble,
Leslie.

I don't need
any lip from you, okay?

You're in trouble because
of your own stupidity.

[Scoffs] I have a PhD
from the Sorbonne.

For what?
Wearing Chanel suits?

There was
a fashion component, yes.

I'm not mad
that you're doing this.

Yes, I am mad
that you're doing this.

But even worse,
I'm mad that you just

- lied to me about it.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

We all swore
that we weren't gonna

ever help her again, ever.

I never said that.
You did.

I speak for all of us
in all matters.

That is what you
tacitly agreed to

- when you married me.
- What?

Yeah, let's go.
You've changed your mind.

You're not gonna
help her anymore.

Leslie, I just wanna

borrow your husband
for the evening.

Can we please talk about what happened
back there?

What, Ann? I just stole your phone

and texted every guy
in it that the baby was theirs.

It's not that big of a deal.

Listen, I know
you don't believe this,

but I care about your future.

And I'm just
a little disappointed

that you're just not
following through with this.

Yeah, it's not about
following through, okay?

I was on the fence about
whether I wanted to do it.

And as soon as I got there,
I just had a gut feeling

that it wasn't right for me,
that's all.

So, just like that,
boom--huge life decision made?

That's how I make
all my life decisions.

My gut is always right, okay?

It was right about
marrying Andy,

and it was right
when it told me

that you would be
the worst person

I would ever meet in my life.

And I've met Guy Fieri, Ann.

[Chuckles]

So gross!

How do you get your gut
to talk to you?

You don't get your gut
to talk to you.

You just listen
when it says something.

Well, right now
my gut is saying

that we are going to listen
to Mariah Carey

the whole way home.

[Vocalizing over radio]

- Good.
- [Ann vocalizing]

[Whistle blows]

[Cheers and applause]

Whoa.
Wow, I'm really surprised

you're sitting on this side
of the bleachers

and not on the Eagleton side
with your new girlfriend Ingrid.

Leslie, I'm just
trying to help them.

Why?
They wouldn't help us

if the tables were turned.

I mean,
they're 50 points ahead,

and they're still dunking.

I mean, look at this guy.

There's no way
he is in high school.

And I'm better
at French horn too, Eric.

[Whistle blows]

[Crowd booing]

People are gonna
lose their jobs, Leslie.

And the recovery
will take years.

Deep down, I think
you feel bad for them.

Okay, I do a little, yes.

And I'm sorry that I blew up
at you yesterday.

With all the recall stuff
happening,

I just really need to feel
like you're on my team,

and seeing you with them

made me feel like you weren't.

I'm always gonna be
on your team.

You never have to worry
about that.

[Crowd chanting]
Defense!

All: Oh!

Eagleton player number seven,
injured on the play.

Official time-out.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna say something.

And if I throw up on you
after I say it,

just know that
you've been warned.

I know how we can
help Eagleton.

I don't see
what the problem is.

I will give you
a certain amount of gold

in exchange for
a recreational vehicle.

I still need an address
for insurance purposes.

This will be my new home.

The address is wherever
it is parked.

Where have you been?

I had a flat tire,
and I've been trying

to get in touch with you
for hours.

Sorry, darling.

I've been busy destroying
most of my personal effects

and threatening
a postal worker.

Ron, I know you value
your privacy,

but you are a husband
and a father now.

You can't just
roam the streets in an RV

and be impossible to find.

I'm on a mission
to get off the grid.

Well, you don't have to be
entirely on the grid,

but have to be on our grid.

I suppose you wouldn't
consider moving.

I've heard the school system
in the tunnels

beneath Yucca Mountain
is adequate.

I love you, but your solution
to every problem

is to live inside a mountain.

I love you too.

Okay, one more time.

Are you absolutely sure

you wanna go through with this?

A lot of people
are gonna get angry,

and you might lose
the recall election.

Or, if I pull it off,
I just might win.

Plus, a very smart member
of my team

pointed out
it's the right thing to do.

Good morning.

After an all-night
strategy session,

the towns of Pawnee
and Eagleton

have come up
with a potential solution

to Eagleton's budget crisis.

The town of Eagleton
will be dissolved

and re-absorbed
into Pawnee.

[Exclamations]

Pawnee will provide
some government services,

as well as taking on
some of Eagleton's debts.

[Murmuring, commotion]

I understand.

Look, I hate Eagletonians
as much as you do.

I hate their stupid
beautiful faces

and their stupid shiny hair.

We looked at every alternative.

This is the only scenario

that prevents
Eagleton's financial crisis

from spiraling throughout
the entire region.

Eagleton is terrible!

Why should I bail them out
with the hard-earned money

from my unemployment check?

All: Yeah!
- Because they are our neighbor

and they've
sprained their ankle.

And when your neighbor
sprains his ankle,

you help him off the court.

I understand you have concerns
and questions,

and we are here
to listen to them.

[Overlapping chatter]
I got something to say.

One at a time, please.

I hate
the one-at-a-time system!

Why should we bail them out?

No one bailed me out
when I got arrested for arson.

You can't just merge two towns.

It's against the rules
of nature.

What's next--
merging a man with his dog?

I live in Eagleton.

And frankly,
I don't like the idea

of living in Pawnee.

They're a little--
oh, what's the word?

Have-no-money.

[Exclamations]

Bertram, that's enough.

First of all,
Eagleton has no money.

Second of all,
they are gracious enough

to throw us a lifeline,

and we should be
eternally grateful

for their generosity.

They're a town of angels--

greasy, denim-clad angels,

but angels nonetheless.

Yeah, we'll take it.

I mean, did you steal this
from a museum?

Maybe find it frozen in ice?

It looks like
the original phone

from the movie Wall Street.

I think it's just
the original phone, period.

Ew, gross,
it has "buttons."

Okay, girls,
this is a magic phone, okay?

Only you and I
have got the numbers.

So if you ever need Ron
for any reason,

you just call and
he'll be there in a flash.

Yes, I will.
I'll keep it right here.

It snaps right in,
snug and secure.

A cell phone belt clip?

No, Ron.
Oh, my God!

Yeah, I can't be seen with you.

Travelin' Ann Perkins!

How was Bloomington?

It was amazing.

They had all the baby
supplies we need,

and they had all this
other cool stuff.

They had
a bike-sharing program

and a vegan
Afghan restaurant and--

Oh, my God.
I'm having one.

- I'm having one right now.
- A contraction?

No. Dude, I'm, like,
three months pregnant.

I-I know.
I'm just so excited.

The thing I'm having
is a gut feeling.

What would you think about
raising our child

somewhere other than Pawnee?

Thank you, Leslie,

from all of us in Eagleton.

Our citizens owe you
a debt of gratitude.

Well, I think
at the end of the day,

everybody realizes
it's something we have to do.

On the bright side,

we did win the basketball game.

I think you owe us some apples.

- You better pay up.
- Oh, you don't want them.

All of Pawnee's apples
have been recalled--

- g. Coli.
- You mean e. Coli?

I wish.

Way easy to treat.

Welcome to Pawnee!

Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0