All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e01e02 London.eng

Wait, I forgot!

- Who the hell is pregnant?
- What?

I found a pregnancy test at your cabin
and I checked with all the girls over there

and wasn't any of them.

Hello, darling, what a surprise.

Hey. Can we talk?
Maybe in private.

You and me?

I believe
she's referring to me, son.

- Please excuse us.
- [Clears throat]

So I...am pregnant.

- [Chuckles]
- I see.

I don't understand how.
We were so careful.

I warned you about this.

Standard birth control methods

aren't usually effective
against a Swanson.

I got about a million thoughts
running around in my head,

but I really just want to know
what you're thinking.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

I was gonna wait
until our anniversary,

take you somewhere romantic,
perhaps in a canoe--

most likely in a canoe.

I actually built a canoe
for that purpose,

but given the news, and given

my significant feelings
for you,

now seems as good a time
as any.

Ron Swanson.

Diane Lewis...

will you marry me?

Yes.

- On one condition.
- Anything, my love.

Ask me for anything
in the world,

and I'll give it to you,

except a destination wedding.

Just the opposite.
We've both been married before.

I don't want anything big
or elaborate.

In fact,
the smaller the better.

I assume
you can deal with that.

Are you kidding?

As far as I'm concerned,

we could go up
to the fourth floor right now.

Well, hello there.

Hey, Leslie.
What's with the getup?

We're coming back from
cleaning up the Pawnee River.

There's nothing I love more
than squeegeeing slime

off a highway underpass.

Where are you guys going?

The fourth floor,
getting married.

Okey-dokey.
Well, catch you later.

What? Wha--
[Gibberish]

What--who's--
what the--

Are you dead?
You look like you're in rictus.

I just--I'm having
so many thoughts and feelings

that I'm paralyzed right now.

Would you ladies like to come?

- Can I be the best man?
- Why not? Let's go.

Ron is getting married,
and I love him,

and I care about him, and this
is the greatest day ever,

and I do not have time
to talk about this!

Wait!

[Elevator bell dings]

If you would just
slow down a little,

then I could arrange balloons
or a flower cake

- or a bouncy castle--
- Ah!

Ethel Beavers, we would like

a marriage license,
please and thank you.

What's the date of the wedding?

- Today.
- It's a bit unusual,

- but we both--
- Don't care.

Leslie Knope, would you please
be my matron of honor?

Diane, you have no idea
what that means to me.

She gets it.
Let's go.

Well, this is like
a waking nightmare...

of happiness.
I need to get some flowers.

Why don't you hold this colorful
bouquet of highlighters?

Rice, I need to find some rice,
I need to throw some rice.

Why is there no rice in this
municipal government building?

I found a justice guy.
These are the marrying people.

- This is Carl.
- Hello, Carl.

My fiancee and I
would like to get married

right now, right here.

Haven't I done a quickie
wedding for you before?

It's certainly possible,
but this one's going to stick.

I need your full names
for the license.

- Ronald Ulysses Swanson.
- Diane Tammy Lewis.

Tammy?

- Your middle name is--
- Just kidding, it's Elizabeth.

- Let's go, Carl.
- Hey, hey.

Let's pump the brakes,
Carl, okay?

Belay that order, Carl.
Shortest possible ceremony.

I'm tired of not being married
to this woman.

Do you, Ron Swanson,
take Diane to be your wife?

Ooh, it's going to start!
Ooh, it's happening!

- I certainly do.
- Oh, my God!

- And do you, Diane, take--
- Yes!

- Yes, I do.
- She said yes!

- Okay.
- Wait!

- By the power vested in me--
- Before you--

Carl, just one second.

I would just like to give
a short speech, if I may.

You have ten seconds.

[Sighs]
At first glance, it may seem

as though Ron Swanson and I
have nothing in common,

but Webster's dictionary
defines "friend--"

- Time.
- It's--ugh!

Thank you, Leslie.

I could tell
where you were going with that,

and it was gonna be beautiful.

- I now pronounce you...
- Oh!

man and wife.

Hooray!

[Clapping]
Yay!

Great job, everyone.

The reception will be held

in each
of our individual houses, alone.

Pretend this is rice!

[Sighs]
That was beautiful.

[Triumphant music]

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

The people who want
to boot me from office

have been viciously attacking me
for weeks.

All: Recall Knope!
Recall Knope!

Legalize weed!

Last week, I was an answer

in the Pawnee Journal's
Crossword Puzzle.

The clue--"Who's the worst,"
but you know what?

We're fighting back.

I've broken my defense
initiative into 40 phases.

We are currently in phase 26:
"No problem too small."

Anyone can come to me any time
with any problem,

no matter how petty or small,

and I will fix it personally,
and let me tell you,

some of these complaints
are pretty damn petty and small.

Okay, Gretel,
how can I help you today?

There are slugs everywhere
on the sidewalk

in front of my house.

I want them gone
but not killed--I love animals.

But get rid of them.
They're gross.

But make sure they're happy
but not too happy.

Well, we're on it,
because "No problem too small."

So what now?

Well, I have
about 30 more people

who want to come into my office
and complain to my face.

- Leslie Knope!
- Oh!

Ann Perkins. Mm.

How's the recall fight going?

This person-to-person
campaigning

is kind of wearing me down.

Well, as a wise woman
once said to me,

"Ann, you cunning, pliable,
chestnut-haired sunfish,

phase 26
is the key to my plan."

Good memory, sunfish.
Let's press on.

I have to come up with some
solution for this slug problem.

Someone has a slug infestation?

Boy, oh, boy,
we live interesting lives,

filled
with unexpected challenges.

Life is precious, and every day

is a miracle.

Okay.

What a freak.

Things with me and Chris
are going really well.

We spend every day together,
and we're having so much fun.

And check this out.

Oh, no, there's no ring.

We just had manicures
together recently.

Sorry, that was misleading.

Ah, Mr. Haverford,
back again, I see.

What the hell, man?

This looks
exactly like my store!

I know.

My client is
a very determined businessman.

When he rips someone off,
he goes all the way.

You see, you are Hydrox,
Mr. Haverford.

We are Oreo.

Your mysterious, unnamed client

seems like
a pretty intense guy.

I am impressed by how quickly
he was able to move

such a large amount
of merchandise.

- Mm.
- He must be

one heck of a transporter.

My client is not Jason Statham,

if that's what you're thinking.

Some mysterious
big shot investor

has opened up a store
directly across the street

from rent-a-swag to try
to put me out of business.

I'm not worried, though.

I've poured my heart and soul
into my store.

I'm sure this guy's just looking
for a place to store

all his NBA championship
trophies.

- It's not Lebron James.
- Damn.

Well, I hate to say this, gang,

but I don't think "No problem
too small" is working.

I mean, there's been
no press coverage,

no change in my poll numbers.

I agree, we need something
massive and attention-getting,

something that will
grab people by the ears,

yell at them
through a bullhorn,

and hit them
like a bolt of lightning.

- I got it!
- What is it?

Oh, no, I just--
I got a fly.

I have something.

Remember phase 13,
"Think outside of the box"?

Of course.
It was an amazing phase.

Easily a top five phase.

Well, I thought
outside of the box,

and I nominated you
for this big award.

It's called

"The International Coalition
of Women in Government,"

and you won.

There's, like, five winners,

and you get a big trophy
or something.

Oh, my God, this is real.
I just assumed you were lying.

Thank you, but yeah, it's real.

Ann Richards won it once,
and Janet Napolitano, I think.

Janet Napoli-fraking-tano?
Oh, my God.

This is amazing and perfect.

This is exactly
the kind of big, splashy thing

that's gonna get
the voters' attention.

When is the ceremony?

- Next month...in London.
- London?

- London?
- We're going to London?

We're going to London,
you guys!

I can't believe we're at Hogwarts!

No, that's Buckingham Palace.

Hogwarts is fictional.
Do you know that?

It's important to me
that you know that.

Okay, guys, we are going to be
sightseeing today.

Andy and Ben are gonna go
to their meeting,

and then we're gonna go
back to the hotel for lunch,

and I will spend the day getting
to know London's history.

History began on July 4, 1776.

Everything before that
was a mistake.

Diane suggested we "tag along
to London" for a honeymoon.

I agreed,
because my love for her

trumps my hatred for Europe.

Then she hit
a phase of morning sickness

that knocked her for a loop
and decided to stay home,

but she insisted I go
and take pictures for her.

All of this
could have been avoided

if we'd followed my plan
for a honeymoon:

a steak dinner,

a glass of Lagavulin whiskey,

then vigorous lovemaking
for two hours,

and we're both asleep
by 8:30.

Hey, Leslie, we're gonna
head to the meeting.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I know it's weird,

but I kind of feel bad
about leaving Pawnee.

It's like leaving my kid at home
without a babysitter.

Leslie, you're in London.

You're 4,000 miles
away from home.

- Try to enjoy this, okay?
- Yeah, you're right, as usual.

Good luck.

[Hip-hop music]

Ooh, hey...

boss man,
I want to go home early.

Ooh, hold on, actually.

Hang on.
Yeah, no.

I want to quit
and never come here again.

[Laughs]
Okay, bye.

I can't believe
I used to date you!

Tommy Pickles!

You see
there's a better version

of your store
across the street?

And those guys are giving out
free pizza with "papperonas."

I know, man.
That's my competition.

They're trying to put me out
of business, and it's working.

Three weeks ago,
this place was hopping.

My clothes were flying
off the rack.

I was spreading swag around town
like a killer swag virus.

Now, look at this place.
It's dead!

What am I gonna do?

It's like I always say, okay?

When life gives you lemons,

you sell
some of your grandma's jewelry,

and you go clubbing.

That's not
a good piece of advice.

So I'ma throw up.
I ate too much cheese.

I'll talk to you!

[Sighs]
I need some better friends.

So the only thing you did
was stop drinking beer?

Yeah, I lost 50 pounds
in one month.

How much beer
were you drinking?

[Laughs]
I know, right?

Probably too much.

Andy and I are meeting with
an English charity foundation

to expand
our after-school music program,

and British people love me.

There was this British kid
in my high school

who always called me "Big Ben"

and would punch me really hard
on the arm,

and go, "Bong! Bong! Bo--"

Oh, he might have hated me.

Real quick,
should I do a British accent?

- Um, I'm gonna say no.
- You sure?

- Yeah.
- I can do one.

It's not very good,
but I think I could pull it off.

I just feel like
he's gonna get upset

when he finds out
that we're American.

He knows we're American.

Ugh, great.
All right, well,

I guess we'll take
the meeting anyway.

[Bad British accent]
After all,

we did come all the way
down under.

No.

Lord Covington, I'm Ben Wyatt.

This is Andy Dwyer, and it is
an honor to meet you, sir.

Well,
it's nice to meet you too.

However, the proper mode
of address would be

"Your Royal Excellency,
Lord Edgar Darby Covington,

"14th Earl
of Cornwall-upon-Tthames,

29th Baron
of Hertfordshire."

No, no, no, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

- Oh!
- Please, call me Eddie.

Oh, thank God.
[Laughter]

I knew that other name
must have been a stupid joke.

- [Laughs]
- Andy--

No, no, no, no,
he's absolutely right,

it's an absurd name.

Well, I'm excited to hear
about your musical charity idea.

- Shall we?
- Yeah.

The Notting Hill bus tour
starts at 2:00,

the Love Actually bus tour
starts at 2:30,

and--oh, the Bridget Jones
bus tour starts at 2:30 also.

What do we do?
Ron, your pick.

Look, a clock.
We don't have that in America.

You call that a tower?

Try the Sears Tower, friend.

"London at night."

[Laughs]
That is very funny.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes.
I will take this.

We don't accept
American currency, sir.

Of course you do.

That's the most wonderful piece
of paper in the world.

Accept it.

Very sorry, sir.

Fine.

Enjoy the fact
that your royal overlords

are a frail, old woman
and a tiny baby.

[Sighs]

You really think
this will work, Donna?

Why wouldn't it?

We just pull
the business license--

it's public information--

and then at least
you'll have an address.

Ooh, here.

Hmm, some kind of shady,
fake shell corporation

- called "Open 4 Business, LLC."
- Thanks, Donna.

Hey, if it's Akon
and y'all become best friends,

I want a ride on his plane.

- Done and done.
- Nice.

"1020 Maple Street."

Ann and Chris?
What are they doing here?

Sir, you can't go in there!

Aha!
I caught you!

- Hey, it's Tom!
- What the hell are you doing?

What am I doing?
What are you doing here?

Dr. Saperstein
is giving me a sonogram,

in his doctor's office,
for women, because I'm pregnant!

Oh, my God.

- You're Jean-Ralphio's dad!
- Mm-hmm.

You're the one that's trying
to put me out of business!

Well, look at that,
Mr. Haverford.

You tracked me down.

Looks like your detective skills
are a lot better

than your tween,
high-end fashion rental skills.

Ann, Chris,
can we have the room, please?

No, you certainly cannot.

Dr. Saperstein,
why are you doing this?

What did I ever do to you?

You know exactly
why I'm doing this.

You destroyed my family.

First, you screwed my son
out of your business,

and then you stole
my daughter's virginity.

[Laughter]

Wait, you're serious?

Deadly serious.

According to my daughter,
you broke her heart.

Then you smashed up her BMW.

I had to buy her a new one,

so she could drive
to Divinity School.

Let me tell you something,
mister.

You attack a Saperstein,
you face my wrath.

Be so sure about this,
Tiny Tom,

that I will crush you
like the bug you are...

[Heart beating]
[Gasps]

And there it is, the heartbeat.

- Ohh.
- Everything sounds perfect.

Ohh.

This is the moment
we were dreaming of:

you and me and our baby.

And Tom and his weird feud
with our doctor.

So this after-school
music program

has been really successful
in Pawnee,

and we've expanded it
to eight other towns in Indiana,

but we feel with your help,
we can--

Whoa! Are those--
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Are those
remote control helicopters?

- Yeah.
- What?

I got them as a gift.

I bought them
for one of my nephews,

- and then I decided to keep them.
- Yeah.

Would you like to play
with them?

Oh, would I?
I call blue one!

I call the--
oh.

Okay, you get the blue one.

Andy, we are guests
of Lord Covington.

Maybe you should let him...

play with the blue helicopter.

What are you talking about,
dude?

- I called it.
- He called it.

- That's the rule.
- That's the rule.

Anyway,
the orange one's better.

- What?
- Come on.

[Helicopters buzzing]
Aah!

[Laughs]

Hey, get off!

Okay, watch out!
Watch out!

- Agh!
- Ohh!

Dude, awesome.
I think I broke mine!

- Oh, bummer.
- So, like, you...

your family
owns all this stuff?

Well, no, not everything.

We own that building,

that one, that house,
that round thing,

that one.

We don't own that.

Oh, no, actually,
we do own that.

What else does your family own?

Well, um, have you heard
of Scotland?

As I was saying,

we've really made
this music program work

in Indiana, and we think,

with your help,
we could turn this

into a wide-reaching
international program.

Oh, you know what I want?

Ice cream. Do you guys
have that here, ice cream?

Oh, it's so good.
You have to get it.

It's, like, scoops,
and it comes on a cone.

- Yeah.
- Do you have that here?

- We have it. Of course we--
- You have it?

Where do you think you are,
the moon?

[Both laugh]

- That'd be awesome if we were.
- Yeah.

Can we get some?
Could we...

do--could we have some?

Could we?

Sure.

[Laughter]
Yeah.

- Let's go.
- Just what do I do with this?

Just throw it there.
Roger will pick it up.

Oh.

"So I long for a day

"when women in government
will simply be seen

"as people in government,
but until then,

"I will work to make Pawnee,
my wonderful hometown,

as good as it can be."

What do you think?

I think you should lose
the first line

and the last line
and all of the other lines,

and instead,
just walk up to the mic

and meow really loudly
for eight minutes.

Okay, this trip is amazing,

but I miss Pawnee, you know?

I want to know
what's happening there.

One little news blast
wouldn't hurt.

[Upbeat music]

Welcome
to The Final Word With Perd.

Ms. Pinewood,
there is a thing you are doing,

and that thing is
you are leading a recall vote

against Councilwoman Knope,
and you say you have

new, shocking allegations
about her.

What? What now?

Perd, I take no pleasure
in reporting this,

but it must come to light.

We are here,
trying to make Pawnee better,

and where is Leslie Knope?

She's gallivanting around Europe
like some kind of European.

How--how did they get
that picture so...

Facebook.

- But I just put--
- Facebook.

- But isn't it a--
- Facebook.

Apparently, she can't be
bothered to stay here in Pawnee,

not when there's Europe
to gallivant around in.

Well, we conducted

a Perd poll
and asked this question:

48% said she should
not be in Europe,

17% say it's okay,

and 35% said

they were confused by the way
the question was posed.

Oh, my God.

You're leaving tonight?

I can't believe there's even a flight?

Well, not to Indiana,

but there's a 9:00 red-eye
to Lisbon,

and then I can catch
the 4:30 A.M.

back to Edinburgh,
connect through Houston,

head on up to Cincinnati
and then rent a car,

drive around 90,

and I'll be home
two hours earlier

than if I flew home as planned.
Easy breezy!

Leslie, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but I do not think you should
leave Europe right now.

You flew all this way.
Have some perspective.

You have some perspective!

I'm sorry.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm stressed.

Okay, I need to calm down.

Let's go walk
past Colin Firth's house again.

Ugh, who is that?

Hold up.
My dad said that?

Yeah, Jean-Ralphio.

He told me
that I had screwed you

- out of my business...
- What?

So he was gonna screw me back.

Any idea why he'd believe
such a thing?

That is so weird.

That is so--
oh, you know what?

Honestly, now that I'm thinking
about it, this may be it.

I actually told him
that Rent-A-Swag was my idea

and that you had
stole it from me.

Why would you say that?

Because my dad
is always riding me

for never having a job,

and I just didn't want to show
that I blew it again.

Oh...and I don't know
if this is relevant...

- Hmm.
- But I told him

that you made me sign up

for a bunch of credit cards
and then max them out

by buying illegal
white jaguar fur coats.

[Laughing] That's probably
not relevant, though.

It's probably not relevant,
though.

- I don't know--
- I guess--

All this lying about me
stops now!

Both: Hmm.
- This is my life.

Please, one of you
has to tell him the truth.

- Not it!
- Not it!

Ooh, you got me!
Whoa ho!

Uh-oh, uh-oh!

Both: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.

Okay, fine.
You know what?

I'm gonna do the unthinkable.

I'm gonna have a short,

honest conversation
with my father.

Thank you.

[Jazz music]

[Cheers and applause]

Oh, that's
a big cheering section.

Okay, that's Khongordzol,
from Mongolia.

She grew up in a hut that was
entirely made of ice and mud,

then she became their mayor,
then their police chief

and their best
Wolverine Wrangler.

I love her.

Oh, hi.
You must be Leslie Knope.

I'm Ulee Danssen.
I'm one of the honorees.

Wow, look at your face.

What?

- It's just so symmetrical.
- Oh, thanks!

You know, we all have that
in Denmark.

Oh, you're from Denmark,
of course.

Wow, what part of Denmark
are you from?

I'm from Silkeborg.
You know.

It's not one of the most
perfect places in the world,

but I love it, and it loves me.

And look
what they've done for me.

- They made a statue of you!
- Yes.

Wow.
Is that goat cheese?

Good cheese eye, Leslie.

It is made out of goat cheese.

We have a lot of it,
and after tonight's event,

they're going to consume me
with crackers.

They just love me.
What about your town?

Well, Pawnee, Indiana,

is a wonderful town,

and I love it,
but they hate me.

And they're trying
to kick me out of office.

One time, they made a pinata
of my face,

and then everybody
in the town came

and took turns hitting it
with a stick,

and they filled it
with broccoli,

just to add insult to injury...

[Laughter]
but politics...

you know what I mean, right?

I don't, no.

[Laughter]

So you're from Mongolia?

[Speaking Mongolian]

Will you take me with you
when you go back there?

I love you.

Hmm.

Did you understand that?

Did you bring any wolverines?

[Laughter]

Say it again.
Say it again.

Alu-min-ium.

- [Laughing hysterically]
- Okay, okay.

You say it. You say it.
You say it.

It's "alumilum."

- "Alumilum"?
- Okay.

- Alumilum!
- Uh, Eddie...

if you'd like me to talk more
about the program,

- I would be happy to...
- Mm-hmm.

But my wife is receiving
an award in just a few minutes,

and I really need
to get over there.

Yes, of course.

The thing is,

I don't know what I'm doing.

- Me neither.
- I'm sorry?

My family has
a huge amount of money.

We live in a castle
that has 1,000 acres of land.

Our hedge maze is so vast,

once, I got lost in there
for two days.

What?
That's awesome.

It was awesome.

There was a statue
of a lion inside,

and I found a yo-yo.

Well, do you--
do you have it here?

- Guys--
- The point is,

I started this foundation
in order to do something good

with our money,

and I've heard hundreds
of charity pitches,

and I honestly don't know
whether they're good or bad.

If I may, ours...
is great.

Brilliant!
I'm in.

What?
Are you serious?

Yeah.
I like you, I like music.

On one condition:

I want you to stay here
in London with me

for no more than three months,

to help me get it up
and running

and tell me what to do.

Oh, well,
that actually may be tough.

I mean,
my wife is in the middle

of this recall fight,
and I really need to--

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, I meant Andy.

I want Andy to stay.

Is that a goose
that just flew by the window?

Oh, it's a plastic bag.
Did you see that?

Wait, did I interrupt?

What are you guys
talking about?

Let's see if it was a goose.

I think it could have been,
honest to God.

Silkeborg is wonderful,

and I am very supported
and loved.

Once, on my birthday, the town

trained a reindeer
to do a dance for me.

It was beautiful,
and the reindeer was delicious.

[Applause]

- Hey.
- Hey!

[Kiss]
How was your meeting?

Good.
I'll fill you in later.

Are you ready for your speech?

Uh...yeah.
Yeah.

Thank you, Ulee.

It is so inspiring to hear
stories of powerful women

who are held in high esteem
by their hometowns.

Now, from the hometown
of Pawnee, Indiana,

in the United States,

Leslie Knope.

[Applause]

First let me say,

it is a true honor to be here
among these amazing women.

You all inspire me
with your accomplishments

and the things you have done
for your hometowns

and the things your hometowns
have done for you.

I mean, they're just truly...

You know, I've been a public
servant for a long time.

And you know
how I spend my days?

Cleaning slime out of rivers

and removing slugs
from people's front yards.

And I love my town,
but you know how they repay me?

By hating me.

They hate me.
They want to recall me.

I wish I could move
to Silkeborg

and dance with a reindeer.

You're always welcome
in Silkeborg!

Olga, let's start
a statue of Leslie.

See? They like me
in Silkeborg

more than my own hometown,
and I've never even been there.

I love Pawnee,
but sometimes it sucks.

The people can be very mean
and ungrateful,

and they cling

to their fried dough
and their big sodas,

and then they get mad at me
when their pants don't fit.

You know, I'm sick of it.

Pawnee is filled
with a bunch of pee-pee-heads.

Thank you very much
for this amazing award.

I'm sorry
I said "pee-pee-heads."

[Laughs]

[Applause]
Whoo!

That's my boss!

That speech was a little rough,
don't you think?

Whatever, it's how I feel.

Stupid, ungrateful town.

Plus, you said it yourself:

We're 4,000 miles away.

[Cell phone chiming]

- Hello.
- Leslie, it's Jerry.

Jerry who?

Gergich.

Jer--oh, Jerry.

Jerry, why are you calling me?

I don't want to waste
my international minutes.

Leslie, your speech
was webcast, here in Pawnee.

Everyone saw it.

What do you mean, "everyone"?

I had organized
a big viewing party,

you know, to support you,

and, well,
now that Kathryn Pinewood lady,

she's already pounced.

She's calling it the...
"Pee-pee-head" speech.

- Bloody hell, Jerry!
- So how's Lond--

[Phone beeps]

I just never thought
that I would get

to make this announcement.

It's a very special day.

Okay.

Hi, Donna.

So...

You're pregnant.

Oh, man, Tom told you.

Nope.

You're drinking decaf coffee,

which you usually only do
in the afternoon,

you're wearing
an empire-waist dress

and loose shoes 'cause your feet
are already swelling.

I'd put you at nine,
maybe ten weeks.

My goodness, you're observant.

Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.

Hmm. When did you make
the switch to boxer briefs?

Yesterday.

Okay, please stop
looking at him.

Why are we here?

Just thought you needed
some fresh air,

even if that air is filled
with the foul stench

of European socialism.

You know, I know
I am supposed to feel bad

about what I said,
but I do not.

Pawnee has really been
pissing me off lately.

Leslie, for God's sake,
you're the adult here.

When your kid screams
"I hate you,"

you don't sink to his level
and yell "I hate you" back.

You have to be the grown-up.

[Sighs] You're right.
I know.

I have to be the grown-up.

[Whining]
But it's so hard! Ron!

God!

And nobody ever thanks you.

You choose a thankless job,

you can't be upset
when nobody thanks you.

And by the way,
April thanked you.

She nominated you
for this award.

Well, April does that
all the time.

She nominated Ann for Motocross
Driver of the Year award

just so she could
get a rejection letter.

April respects you,

and so do many others.

Don't start chasing applause
and acclaim.

That way lies madness.

[Sighs]

Oh, I almost forgot.

I finally got you
a proper wedding gift,

part one of many.

A train ticket?

You think I want
to extend my stay

on this godforsaken continent?

Yes, you do.

If you follow that itinerary
to the letter,

I promise you,
you will not be disappointed.

Well, I would offer
to buy you a drink,

but where the hell
would that even happen?

This is London, Ron.

There's a pub over there,
there's a pub over there,

there's a pub
between those two butcher shops.

Let's go to that one,

but we'll be stopping in
those two butcher shops first.

Hey, Jerry.

I didn't know
you were working today.

Yeah, Ron asked me
to come in while he's away.

Of course, I had to cancel
my cardiologist appoint--

That's great.

Now, here's a piece of
information that is interesting.

Ann is pregnant,
and it's my baby.

Oh, my God,
that's wonderful news!

Oh, there's so much
in front of you.

I mean,
soon you're gonna start showing,

and then your clothes
will feel tight, and then,

oh, people are gonna start
rubbing your tummy all the time!

[Laughs]
That sounds terrible.

Well, Gayle,
she got really queasy,

and I gained a lot
of sympathy weight.

Yeah. You know, actually,
before my kids,

I looked a lot like you, Chris.

I'm very sad.
Please stop talking.

And, of course,
pretty soon, Ann,

your milk is gonna come in.

- Ohh.
- That is exciting.

Mmm.

[Gulping]

Yep, and it happens sooner
than you'd think.

The babies can sense it.

You would be shocked,

'cause they are rooting around
for that nipple.

[Smacking lips] Mm, mm.
Gimme, gimme. Mm, mm, mm.

I want milk!
Mm, mm, mm, mm. Ohh.

Life is a miracle.

Mm, mm, mm.

So it's kind of awesome
that the Lord Fancyface Guy

wants you to stay.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, I can't do it,
obviously.

Why?

I don't even know
what I would be doing.

I mean, besides,
this is England.

Everything is so weird.
It's all different.

Yeah, like how they drive
on the other side of the road.

Do they?

I'll be damned.

Yeah, like that.

That's what I'm--
exactly what I'm talking about.

Or like the Piccadilly Circus
we went to?

Not even a circus.

There's no elephants,
there was no cotton candy,

there's no clowns.

One bearded lady.

She got all rude
when I marveled at her.

Do you like
the Lord Fancyface Guy?

Oh, he's awesome.

He's everything
you would want in a boss.

I mean, remote control
helicopters, talks funny.

Total package.

I think you should do it.

When are you gonna have
another opportunity like this?

- I mean--
- And, plus,

we can deal
with the distance, okay?

Remember, I was
in Washington last year.

He said he wanted me
to head up the company.

I have no idea
how to run a nonprofit.

Hey.

You shined shoes

for over two years
and never made a profit.

Come on, you can hack this.

I believe in you.

But to replace you,
I am going to have to build

a scarecrow replica of you
and take it to the movies.

Seems like
the only logical solution.

My point is, Ethel, that

Ann's pregnant.

And I'm the baby daddy!

How wonderful for you.

You don't seem
very excited for us.

I barely know you,

and I don't have

to talk to you
unless it's about work.

Man, I thought
this would be more satisfying.

I agree.

Wait a minute, what time is it?

Has she landed yet?

Oh, I'm so happy for you guys!

Ohh, this is the greatest day
in the history of days.

This day,
a thousand years from now,

will be celebrated
as the beginning

of a new and better human race.

I am so happy for you,
I'm never letting you go.

I am not gonna let you go.

Oh, oh, oh, eventually,

she's going to have to go
back to work.

Are you sure
you should be working?

I mean, you should be resting
and getting fluids and--

and cold compresses
and greasy foods.

That's for a hangover.

Right, yeah, of course.

I'm so goofed-up
right now.

I'm so jet-lagged.

I took a sleeping pill
on the plane,

and then I changed my mind,

so I took this thing
called "Zapvigil,"

which, apparently, is what

Israeli fighter pilots
use to stay awake.

So right now, it looks like
I'm talking to a giant crab.

Stay away from me, crab!

[Laughter]
I'm just kidding.

I know it's Ann.

We are so glad you're back.

We talked to, like, 50 people,
and, frankly,

not one of them gave us

the reaction
that we were hoping for.

And your reaction,

from someone we love so much,

I mean, it just makes up
for all the other ones.

- Ohh.
- Anyway, welcome home!

Don't pinch me!

Thank you all for coming,
and let me just say

how truly, deeply trill it is

to be standing in this dope-ass
conference room,

addressing a group of people
in a business meeting.

It's really a dream come true.

Right now, I want to turn
the floor over to Jean-Ralphio,

who has something to say.

Tom, lawyer guy...

daddy...

Tom did not screw me
out of the company.

He gave me every opportunity
to jump in

at the ground floor,
and I said no,

not because I thought
it was a bad idea,

but because--
and this is very important--

I really didn't care
about what was happening.

So why, exactly, did you lie

when I asked you
what had happened?

Daddy-D! Daddy, come on,
I lie to you all the time!

All those math camps
I said I went to?

I don't even know
what a math camp is!

So all those postcards
that you sent me,

all those trophies
that you'd won...

[Giggles]

I also have something to say.
[Sighs]

I have done nothing wrong,

ever, in my life.

I know this...

and I love you.

I love you too, daddy.

Money, please!

My money.

Dr. Saperstein,
your son is my best friend.

- Yeah.
- He's like a brother to me.

But he's a disaster,

and your daughter
seriously needs to be locked up

in some sort of insane asylum.

- Mm.
- On an island...

- Ooh.
- In space.

These two have been
huge disappointments to me.

Come on, you love us.

Tell me you love us,
and then admit this guy

looks like Beaker
from the Muppets.

[Laughter]
Dad!

[High-pitched]
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

But seriously,
what are we doing here, though?

- What are we doing here, dad?
- Like, what is this?

- Why are we here?
- So...

[Shouts] So...

now you know the truth.

Will you back off?

No, I will not stop.

Yes, this all started
as vengeance for my children,

but the company
is making money now.

Why would I back off
just 'cause these nincompoops

lie to me all the time?

No, I'm not gonna back off.

I'm gonna continue,
and I'm gonna crush you!

All right, you two,

are you in for dinner
tomorrow night?

- Yes!
- Yes, daddy.

Huh?
Blow me a kiss.

Both: Mwah!

- Mwah.
- Caught it.

I love you, daddy!

- Me too.
- I love you, daddy!

Hey, are you gonna be okay
with Andy gone?

Yeah, we'll be fine.

Are you gonna be okay
with Ben still here?

- April...
- What?

I don't trust him.
I never have.

- He's after your money.
- Hey, Gretel!

Hello, it's me,
City Councilwoman Leslie Knope.

And me, Odie the dog,
Garfield's enemy.

Now, we have some great news:
we were in London,

and we met a wonderful woman
from Mongolia.

Yeah, her name was Khongordzol,

and I love her more
than anything in the world.

Khongordzol and...
Odie, here, were emailing,

and she recommended
a very humane way

to get rid of slugs.

You sprinkle coffee grounds
on the affected area,

and it drives the slugs away.
Isn't that great?

I didn't want
all the slugs gone.

I wanted most of them gone!

Sorry.
Well, we'll put one slug back.

Either way,
your problem is solved.

Oh, my God,
that lady is the worst.

She didn't even say thank you.

That's not why
we do this, April.

We do it because it's good
and it helps people,

not to get the applause.

Yeah, but doesn't that
bum you out?

Well, sure, it would be nice
if just one person

appreciated my work, at all.

But that's the job--

wiping slime
and shoveling slugs.

All right.
On to the next complaint.

[Indistinct P.A. announcement]

[Train horn blows]

Where the hell
are you sending me, Knope?

Morning, cutie.

Morning, Jessica.

Whoa.

These were a gift
from your British friend,

Lord Edgar Covington.

He was very impressed
with you two.

He sounded rich on the phone.

I think he was calling me
from a helicopter.

Could be.
He owns two.

[Sighs blissfully]

So Andy's gonna stay there
for three months.

I hope he's okay.

He sent me an email
this morning.

I guess he got
on the wrong train

on the way to work
and got lost.

Yeah, this isn't right.

None of this looks familiar.

Eddie?

Uh-oh, Spaghettios.

Oh, don't worry,
I'm sure he'll adjust.

No, I named that dog
Spaghettios,

and he just pooped
in your briefcase.

[Laughing] Oh, my.
Okay.

Come on, Sugarbutt!

Oh, which one's Sugarbutt?

That's you!
Come on.

We got a board meeting,
Sugarbutt.

[Laughs]

Wildly inappropriate.

Do you think there's any
chance your dad will give up?

I doubt it.

He never gives up on anything,

except for my mom.

When she turned 30,
he was like, "Get out!"

[Sighs] Maybe I should just
throw in the towel.

Your dad'll destroy me.
I'll be left with nothing.

Thought I was a better-looking
version of Zuckerberg.

Turns out I'm the better-looking
version of the Winklevoss twins.

First of all,
unbelievable analogy.

Second of all, what are you
talking about, man?

You're Tommy Haverford!
You're an idea man.

When Babyface was your age,

he hadn't even signed
Toni Braxton yet,

let alone Usher.

You're right.
I mean, I'm basically Babyface.

You're basically Babyface!

Okay, I'm gonna keep going,
and I'm gonna beat your dad.

That's what I'm talking about!

And for me, it's a win-win
either way.

Either my best friend
emerges triumphant,

or my dad beats you, and I get
all that money when he dies.

I'm actually getting dinner
with my dad right now.

- You want to come?
- No!

[Sighs]
I mean, this is all

pretty overwhelming, you know?

You know what I just read?

Right now, our baby is the size
of a green olive.

- [Chuckles]
- Isn't that wild?

It is.

A green olive.

A little high in sodium.

I would have preferred
a chickpea or a cherry tomato.

- Our baby's not a salad.
- Yes, right.

It's just weird, you know?

I mean, for so long,
this little green olive

was just our thing,

and now it's everyone's thing.

Every time Jerry looks at me,

he's thinking about...
the milk in my boobs.

It's still just our thing.

It'll always be just our thing.

That's why it's so wonderful
and why we'll love it so much.

You know, Olive's kind of
a cute name, if it's a girl.

I prefer "Chickpea."

Because it's lower in sodium?

- Yes, exactly.
- Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Are you leaving?

Well, I just have to get
a jump start on my next phase.

Let's see, it is
"48-Hour Roadkill Scrape-athon."

Oh, brother.

Okay, well, before you go,
I have something for you.

I feel like you're getting sad

about how stupid
and lame people are,

and that is my job, not yours.

So I'm gonna read
this letter to you, out loud,

but if you hug me afterwards,

I swear to God, I'll scream

and pull my hair out
and maybe punch you in the face.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Please sit.

[Clears throat]

"Dear award committee
members..."

[Sobbing]

Leslie, I didn't even start.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

"Dear award committee members,

"where I live, there are
a lot of apathetic people,

"people who don't care at all
about what they do

"or how they do it.

"They let the world
wash over them

"and barely notice
anyone else is even there.

"Leslie Knope is not
one of these people.

"She cares about everything
and everyone in our town.

"I don't know how she does it.

"People come to her
with the pettiest,

"stupidest problems,

"and she cares--
like, really, actually cares--

"what happens to them.

"And if you're lucky enough
to be her friend,

"your life
gets better every day.

"She spends every waking moment
thinking

"of new ways
to make her friends happy.

"There is something wonderful
about seeing someone

"who has found
her true purpose on earth.

"For some people, I guess
that's being an astronaut

"or a hot dog-eating champion.

"For Leslie, her true purpose
on earth, her true meaning,

"is making
people's lives better.

"That's what I love about her,

"and that's why she deserves
this award.

"Sincerely...

Satan."

You're getting hugged
right now.

No, I told you not to.

- I'm giving you a hug.
- No! Stay away! No!

All my life I've avoided Europe

and its multitudes of terribleness.

But it turns out,
much to my surprise,

there is actually
one place in Europe

that is worth seeing:

these tiny islands
off the coast of Scotland,

where God's chosen elixirs
are distilled,

barreled, and prepared
for consumption.

This is worth the trip.

"Dear Ron,

"you have now
reached the cliffsides

"overlooking the islands.

"As you sit here
and gaze upon the waters,

"please read out loud the poem

"by the great Scotsman
Robert Burns.

Love, Leslie."

"Oh, were my love
yon lilac fair,

"with purple blossoms
to the spring,

"and I,
a bird to shelter there,

"when wearied
on my little wing,

"how I would mourn
when it was torn

"by autumn wild
and winter rude,

"but I would sing
on wanton wing,

when youthful may
its bloom renewed."

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

I don't know what she thought
I'd get out of that.

- Nice to be home.
- It is.

But I mean, I love Pawnee,
I will always love Pawnee,

but London is amazing.

And Silkeborg sounds amazing,

and Mongolia sounds amazing.

Their mayor is a professional
Wolverine Wrangler.

Fine, Mongolia
sounds terrifying,

but the world
is a very big place,

and I've seen
very little of it.

Maybe we should travel more,
expand our horizons.

You know, I've had
the same kinds of thoughts.

We should keep that in mind,
see where it leads us.

Yeah.

Oh, there's one more thing
I want to try.

Mm.

I got you something in London:

a traditional barrister's wig.

- Oh.
- Wear it for me.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

All right.

[Seductively] What's up?

No, not sexy.

Failed experiment.
Take it off.

- Okay, just--okay.
- Just take it off. No.

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