All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e19 Article Two.eng

Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!

Article Two, Section Two
of the Pawnee Charter reads,

"Be it decreed:
Should the taxation of tea

"rise to an unacceptable level,

citizens shall dump Ted
into Ramsett Lake."

Does anyone object?

As always, I object.

Nay, enough dithering!

Dump the miscreant!
Boo!

Today is Ted Party Day,
where we commemorate

the great Pawnee tea dump
of 1817.

Historical fun fact--

when the Founding Fathers wrote
the charter,

their old-timey script made

one of the "a"s
look like a "d,"

so "tea" became "Ted."

It's just one
of those little things

that reminds us of Pawnee's
rich and vibrant past.

Plus, we get to go find
a guy named Ted

and throw him
in a lake.

One!

I don't even go by Ted!

- Two!
- I go by Theodore!

- Three!
- Aah!

Hey, Ted.
Great job today.

You were so funny

when you were like,
"My cell phone,

I left it in my pocket."

Then you checked it, remember,
and it didn't work.

Yeah, that was hilarious.

Listen,
I am just here to say

that I am done
with Ted Party Day.

- Ha! Classic Ted.
- I'm serious.

I'm not getting dumped
in that lake anymore.

And I talked
to the other Teds in town,

and they're not doing it
either.

Come on, Ted Party Day
is protected

by Article Two
in the town charter.

And we have the right,
nay, the obligation,

to dump Ted into the lake
every year.

That's the way
it's always been done.

Okay, first of all,

"That's the way
it's always been done"

is not a good reason
to keep doing something.

Second, it was a misprint.
They clearly meant "tea."

I just think you need
to be careful

about speculating
what the Founders meant

when they were writing
the town charter.

Okay, fine.

You want to enforce
every single old law

we have on our books?

Hey, can I see your keys
for a second?

Here's a quarter.

I own your car now.

- Wha--
- Sorry.

The Pawnee Charter clearly
states that any white citizen

has the right to seize
any Indian property

for 25 cents.

That is an outdated
and racist law.

And obviously they meant
"American Indian."

Whoa, I think
we should be careful

when we speculate
what the Founders intended

when they wrote the charter.

Okay, Ted.
I know what you're doing.

You're quoting me back to me.

But I'm gonna quote me
back to you and say

that Ted Party Day
will never change.

Uhoh.

You, a woman,
just raised your voice

to a landowning male.

According to a Pawnee statute
passed in 1868,

I get to do this.

I was not aware
of that statute.

Ron, you have to help me.

Chris is making me do

some stupid management
training leadership course.

Now that you run
the Animal Control department,

you have qualified

for the Chris Traeger
Management Training Seminar

or "Ka-tumts."

It's not a great acronym,
but it is a great seminar.

Can you get me out of it?

Yes.

Normally, if given a choice

between doing something
and nothing,

I'd choose to do nothing.

But I will do something

if it helps someone else
do nothing.

I'd work all night

if it meant nothing got done.

Ron Swanson
and April Ludgate,

literally my two favorite people
in the catalogued universe.

April will not be
participating

in your pointless course

because she has
more important things to do

like not participating
in your pointless course.

I just want April
to become as great

a department head
as yourself.

Which is why
this is pointless.

I've been head of the Parks
department for 12 years,

and I never had any
"management training" course.

Ron, you've never been
"ka-tumtsed?"

I am legally required

to ka-tumts
every department head.

Otherwise, we are open
to all kinds of liability.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that tomorrow
during the seminar,

April is going to have
a classmate.

And spoiler alert--

- it's Alf.
- It's you.

This went poorly.

What, no.
Damn it!

What are you bidding on?

It better not be
Terrence Howard's tank top

from Hustle & Flow.

- It is not.
- Good.

'Cause I am bidding on it

and I am ready to spend
an amount

that my accountant calls
"Dangerous and irresponsible."

JJ's diner put an old
waffle iron up for auction.

It's the perfect breakfast
day gift for Leslie.

"Breakfast day"?

Leslie has anniversaries
for everything.

"Zoo day," first time we went
to the zoo together.

"Double date day,"

it was the first time
we went on a double date.

"Daniel Day-Lewis day.

"Talk-like-a-pirate day.

Talk-like-a-Pittsburgh-pirate
day,"

which why and how?

This calendar was last year's
calendar day present

celebrating the first time

she ever bought me
a calendar.

You have to buy a present
for every one of these?

She always tells me not to,
but then she buys me something

that's awesome and thoughtful,
and then I feel terrible.

But that's the thing.
This is the perfect present.

I just keep getting outbid
by someone named

"Tall Tie-ree-on Lannister."

What kind of name is
Tie-ree-on anyway?

You're kidding, right?
Tyrion Lannister?

Lord of Casterly Rock?
The Half-Man?

You don't watch
Game of Thrones?

- No. You do?
- Hell yeah.

Have you seen
those Dothraki dudes?

They can get it.

Everybody on that show
can get it.

I think I know
who I'm bidding against.

I now realize
that I was wrong,

and it's time
that we purged the books

of many of our town's
outdated and obscure laws.

The bill that I have written

with the full support
of the city council

will repeal 110 obsolete laws

such as all menstruating women
shall be confined

to their bathtubs

and Article Two,
aka, Ted Party Day.

The floor is now open
for public comments.

Oh, here we go.

Thank you.
My name is Garth Blundin,

and I object
to your ridiculous proposal.

The Pawnee Charter
shall not be changed.

Not today, not ever!

Wow, a lot of passion,
Mr. Blundin.

Thank you so much.

Your objection is noted
and officially in the record.

- Shall we proceed to a vote?
- No. No, we shall not.

Article Seven,
Section Three allows

for a "Citizen filibuster."

If I stand here
and refuse to yield my time,

you are prohibited
from voting on the bill.

That section defines
"Buffalo meat"

as acceptable currency.

- Is that the Buffalo meat one?
- Mm-hmm.

I meant Article Three,
Section Seven.

Let the filibustering begin.

I would now like to share

some ideas I have for
J.J. Abrams' seventh chapter

in the Star Wars' saga.

Pan down from
the twin suns of Tatooine.

We are now close on the mouth
of the Sarlacc Pit.

After a beat,

the gloved Mandalorian
armor gauntlet of Boba Fett

grabs onto the sand outside
of the Sarlacc Pit

and the feared bounty hunter
pulls himself

from the maw
of the sand beast.

Ugh, he's right.
He can do this.

This is exactly why we need
to modernize these laws.

This kind of thing made sense
when we had council in a barn

and there were
80 people in the town,

but now this is nuts.

If he holds
the reality gem,

that means he can jump
from different realities.

This will be our link

to the Marvel Universe
from the Star Wars Universe.

Imagine those who
were up against Chewbacca

'cause that's gonna happen.
After a beat, Luke says,

"Darth Vader was my father,
but Ben Kenobi was my master."

And he cuts Hannibal Lecter
in half.

Mr. Blundin,

look, the laws
I'm trying to get rid of

have no more relevance
in modern society

and they're embarrassing
to Pawnee.

Repealing them would show that
we're changing with the times.

You can't just change
the charter willy-nilly.

You start by casually repealing
a couple of "old laws,"

the next thing you know,
your jack-booted storm troopers

are kicking in my door
and arresting my wife

for no reason
if I were married.

By "jack-booted
storm troopers,"

do you mean
the Pawnee Police Department?

- Hey, Clyde.
- Hi, Leslie.

Good Danish today.

The Pawnee charter is not
a "living document," Ms. Knope.

You have no respect
for the traditions of this town.

I absolutely do.

I used to give tours
at the Pawnee Historical House.

Three times,
"Employee Of The Fortnight."

Oh, big deal, you put
on a costume for a couple hours.

By that logic, every time
I go to bed at night,

I am Wolverine.

You bought
X-Men pajamas?

I won them, madam,
in a raffle.

The point is is that
our Founding Fathers

were brilliant
and they were courageous,

but they also had
wooden teeth

and pooped in holes
in the ground.

It was a more primitive time.

It was a better time.

You wouldn't have survived
two weeks in their day.

Oh, really?
How about a little wager?

How about you and I go live
in that historical house,

no modern technology,
1817 rules.

If you last longer,
I withdraw my bill.

I win,
you stop this nonsense.

You have yourself a deal.

Please write down

what you hope to gain
from the seminar,

seal it in the envelope,

and then we'll open it
when it's over.

When is this over?

As soon as you learn
to embrace

the power
of positive motivation.

It's a nine-hour seminar
over two days.

- Whoa!
- Oh, good.

All right, let's begin.

Hop on board
"The Management Train."

First stop--
Motivation Station.

All aboard!

Stop bidding on
my waffle iron.

You're FutureMrsTigerWoods?

I made that profile,
like, ten years ago.

I don't know how
to change it.

The point is I'm getting
that waffle iron

for Leslie
for breakfast day.

Uh, no, you're not.

I'm getting it for her
for waffle day.

Wait, you have
a breakfast day too?

- Mine's in June.
- Please, Ben.

This is the celebration
of the anniversary

of the first time
we hung out at JJ's,

which she considers
the beginning of our friendship.

Well, imagine
being married to her.

It's like being smothered
with a hand-quilted pillow

filled
with cherished memories.

I can't believe
I'm complaining about

how thoughtful my wife is.

Sorry, honey.
I love you.

Look, I have known her
for longer,

I have five years' worth
of anniversaries,

so I have seniority.

Oh, God. Oh, no.

- We've lost the auction.
- What-no.

Somebody swooped in
at the last second,

- and now we're both screwed.
- No.

Okay, Tyrion Lannister,
why don't you just cast a spell

and get us
the waffle iron back?

Oh, okay.

I don't even have time to tell
you how wrong you are.

Actually, it's gonna bug me
if I don't.

The Lannisters,
while very wealthy,

do not possess
the magical abilities

of, say, the warlocks
of Qarth for example.

This is why
we don't hang out.

Think of yourselves
as engineers

steering
a locomotive of positivity

that runs on team power.

First of all, you don't
"steer" a locomotive.

The tracks do.

Second,
there are only three ways

to motivate people--
money, fear, and hunger.

Oh, I disagree.

What about encouragement,
appreciation,

and smiles.

When people feel supported,

they will literally explode
with productivity.

Can you guys just figure out
which way is better

and tell me so we can leave?

Thank you
for your input, April,

but the ka-tumts requires
that we follow

a very specific syllabus.

You're not being
very inclusive, Chris.

I feel like my input isn't
being appreciated.

You've killed my spirit.

My spirit blood is
on your hands.

My God, I've taught you
so much already.

Ron, I propose a challenge

to see whose
motivational methods

are more effective.

Challenge accepted.

I don't want to seem
overdramatic,

but this is literally
a battle for April's soul.

I don't want to seem
overdramatic,

but I don't really care
what happens here.

Oh, God.

I hate this place.

Everything is old.
Old things are dumb.

It's like, just be new.

I don't know, Tom.

I think there's some pretty
cool things from back then.

That is a dope bonnet.

Oh, just getting here,
I see.

Yikes.
Did you sleep here last night?

Indeed. I want to be here
when the cock crows

to get the chores done.

Already, I've done
the preserves

and chased off
an interloping cable installer.

Okay, well, let's put
all modern devices in this pail.

Nothing can be used
that was invented past 1817.

Andy, Tom,
you will be our referees.

Thank you for volunteering.

Definitely didn't volunteer.

I had much better things
to do.

Leslie said she'd pay me
100 bucks.

And I had nothing better
to do.

I'm doing it for free.

There's no way
I'm losing this contest.

Old-timey dress? Check.

Extensive knowledge
about early prairie life?

Right here.

Rickets? Cured.

Don't need to worry
about rickets.

Antiperspirant?
Not allowed.

Might get a little rough
in there.

I was wondering
if you could help me out.

Say no more.

Here's a bunch of guns.

Nope.

Different thing.

I saw that you recently won

an auction for
the JJ's diner waffle iron.

And I'd like to--
that's it right there.

- I'd like to buy it.
- You and everyone else.

Hello, Ben.

Seems like I love Leslie
more than you do.

- Get in line.
- Yeah.

Get in line, pal.

- Who are you?
- I'm Roz.

I'm Leslie's mailwoman,
and I need to get her

a Mail Day present
by next Wednesday.

It's the anniversary
of the first--

Time you delivered
her mail. Yeah, we get it.

Looks like
we've got ourselves

an old-fashioned pawnshop
waffle iron bidding war.

Let's start the bidding
at $650,000.

Okay, I'll counter
with 100 bucks.

200.

I'll let you take anything

- out of this bag.
- I'll tell you what, Ann.

I'll give it to you
if you go

- on a date with me.
- Oh, God.

I can't believe
I'm about to do this, but fine.

One date. But let me make
one thing perfectly clear--

- 500 bucks.
- Sold.

- What?
- You still want to go out?

I just come into some money.
$500 buys a lot of nitrous.

Yeah, nothing warms
the blood

like an old whirly-bout
with the old butter-gyre,

- eh, Leslie?
- Indeed.

Man, this guy's tougher
than I thought.

I don't know how either
of you guys are doing this.

One time my refrigerator
stopped working,

I didn't know what to do.
I just moved.

I just don't think
he's ever gonna quit.

He has that look
in his eye

that Ben gets
when he plays Risk.

Oh, wow.
That is really good.

- Andy.
- No, I'm sorry.

This tastes great.

All my favorite foods
have butter on 'em.

Pancakes, toast,
popcorn, grapes.

Butter is my favorite food.

Well, then you're gonna love
what I'm churning up.

Take a look at--

Oh, my God.
This is horrifying.

Nobody eat that.

I think I'm in over my head.

Garth really knows his stuff.

He planted
an entire field of barley.

How long is
he planning on staying here?

Hey, um, aren't we husband
and wife in this scenario?

- I mean, like, shouldn't you--
- Not a chance.

Okay.

Wait, what's that?

Do you guys feel that?

Aah!

How long was that under there?

Man, Garth is a machine.

He brought his own whale
blubber to light the lamps.

I thought he was gonna last
an hour max.

It's like he's getting stronger
the longer he stays here.

Whee!
Look at my hoop, Leslie.

Look at my hoop!

Ugh! Who could live like this?

No one.
That's why we've moved on.

It's fun to be here on,

like, a school field trip
or something.

- It's so, so, so fun.
- So, so fun.

But to live like this
is insane.

He must have cheated somehow.

I mean, there's no way a man
who's into X-Men that much

can stay away
from the Internet that long.

We should check his phone.

Jerry Gergich.

I need you to stop whatever
it is you're doing

and file as many of these
as you can.

Wow, Duraflex cut-top A350s
in deep maroon?

The honor is all mine.

Well, I knew you were
the man for the job.

You are smart and capable.

And I believe
you can accomplish anything.

Thank you so much.

You got it, champ.
Get filing.

Aye, aye, Captain.

That is
one motivated worker bee.

You guys doing experiments
on Jerry?

Yes.

Cool.

Got it.

Okay, now let's not
read anything.

That's an invasion
of his privacy.

Let's just look
at his browser history

and his inbox and his outbox
and his Facebook page.

Yeah, he doesn't
have any new emails.

Oh, my God. It's true.

He hasn't gotten an email in...

12 days!

Is he a ghost?

The only ones
he gets are spam.

And he responds to them.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, man.
This guy has no friends.

I don't know. Seems like
he's friends with that mule.

What's that?

Well,
since I can't give her

a waffle iron
for breakfast day,

I am making her
a miniature Leslie

- out of breakfast food.
- Good lord.

Well, listen,
I've been thinking.

How would you feel
about going in

- on the waffle iron together?
- Seriously?

That would be great,

but whose holiday
are we celebrating?

Well, I think
I may have a plan

that'll get us out of
breakfast day and waffle day

and all the other days
without making us

seem like ungrateful people
who are annoyed

at how amazing Leslie is.

Dude, whatever it is,
I'm in.

- Okay, great.
- What should I do with this?

Just burn it
and bury the ashes

and pray
it doesn't haunt you.

Jerry,

stop filing
those red folders at once.

Begin filing
these blue ones.

Oh. Sorry, Ron.
I promised Chris that--

This is the top priority.

I need these blue folders
done now.

You can eat
when you have finished.

File!

Oh, my goodness.

Money, fear, hunger.

Hey, there, Garth.
Whatcha whittling?

A birthing stick.

What's that?

- You do not want to know.
- Oh, my God.

You look beautiful.

I mean, you changed clothes.

Violation.
I-I challenge

- you are bonnetless!
- Yes, you're right.

I admit, I can't take it
anymore. You win.

Huzzah!
The day is mine.

- I'm gonna miss saying "huzzah."
- Yeah.

Garth,
I have another proposition.

Yes, I will go out
on a date with you,

but I realize
you're a modern woman,

so I will let you pay.

No.

I was wondering
would you like to join

the Pawnee Historical Commission?

Those clowns?
No thank you.

They haven't answered
a single one of my complaints

about their anachronistic use
of fonts in their newsletter.

Well, I'm a member,

and I think
we could really use you.

But the only problem is
there's tons of meetings,

lots of work with people
who also love history,

and many social occasions that
you're gonna have to attend,

like cocktail parties
and such.

I can understand
if it's something

you don't want
to commit to.

Just sounds like such
a big bite

out of my soap-making time.

My cousin's arraignment
is in May.

But that's a day.

I just fly out,
I come back the same day.

On a trial basis, yes.

Yes, yes.

Great.
Welcome to the team.

Garth dropped his protest,

and we were able
to get rid of

all the outdated laws
in the town charter.

I mean, the charter is
a wonderful document,

but we've had the benefit
of almost 200 years

of learning and advancing.

Seems to me
we ought to use it.

I did not change
Article Two, though.

I just couldn't vote

against a good, old-fashioned
lake dunking.

Though Garth and I did come up
with a compromise

that I think will make
everybody happy.

From this year hence,

a volunteer will represent Ted

in our town's most historic
and cherished tradition.

This year, the honor
goes to Mr. Garth Blundin!

Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted!

I'm Ted too, guys.

- Andy!
- Yeah!

He's naked, everybody!
Put that away!

- We're all Ted! Yeah!
- No, Andy!

Whoo!

Thank God.
I don't know how to swim.

Okay, final tally.

- Jerry filed 268 red files.
- Yes!

And 384 blue files.

- Yes.
- Wait a minute.

How is that possible?

Well, he was so happy

when you told him
he was doing a great job

that he spent 20 minutes
on the phone

telling Gayle about it.

- And the prosecution rests.
- Not so fast.

He may have filed
more blue ones,

but they're almost
all filed wrong.

Not surprising
since he was a mess

after you talked to him.

Another fascinating edition
of "ka-tumts."

We may never know conclusively
which way works better.

But I do know this--

When we first started
the seminar,

I hoped to be able to engage you
in the process.

And by that measure
I succeeded.

And I predicted that
I would learn nothing

from this process.

Mission accomplished.

What did April write?

Where is April?

"I will pit Ron and Chris
against each other.

They'll argue about dumb stuff

that doesn't matter,
and I will bail.

Then I'll steal $20
from Chris's wallet

and buy pizza with Andy.

Oh, and I'll also steal
Ron's watch, just for fun.

I think April will be
a fine manager.

I agree.

It's my favorite kind
of battle--

Two men enter,
one me leaves.

- Happy waffle day.
- Happy breakfast day.

Oh, my God!

You guys,
this is the best

Breakfast Day/Waffle Day
joint present

I have ever received.

Wow.
Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

But Ann and I wanted
to tell you

that this is the last
Breakfast Day and Waffle Day

we'll be celebrating.

Wait, what?

Oh, my God.
You're both dying.

No, no. We just can't keep up
with all the anniversaries.

It's too much, especially 'cause
you're so good at them.

I'm no better at them
than you are.

That's ridiculous, I'm so
much better. Point taken.

But we have a compromise.

Every year, there will be
one day, "Ann Day,"

where you can celebrate
all of Ann's holidays

and "Ben Day" where we can
celebrate all of ours.

What about
Ann Month and Ben Month?

How about a week?

Fine.

We went in with a day,

figuring she'd counter
with a month.

We were fine with a week.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But there will be
a third week.

It will be called Friend Week.

It will be commemorating
this week,

the week that
my two best friends

became each other's
best friends.

I have a Friend Week present
for you right now.

Here you go.

How did you already
have these?

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

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