All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e16 Bailout.eng

Rent-A-Swag shareholders:

As you can see,
your store is hoppin'.

These kids are renting
my old clothes

like they're going
out of style.

Which they never will.

Yeah, it's a lot
of foot traffic, Tommy.

I like it.

Oh, "day-yay-yam,"

it is kind of
a sausage party in here.

For the record,

would hit it, would hit,
would hit.

Hard pass.

Tom, who is this... person?

This is
Mona-Lisa Saperstein,

my new sales associate.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein?

- Does that mean--
-
Oh, yeah

she's my sister.

My twin sister,
from the same mister.

Thank you so much
for hiring Mona-Lisa.

It means so much to me.

Even though,
honestly, she's...

She is the worst person
in the world.

Huge skank.
Terrible.

But thank you.
It means a lot.

Of course. Got to keep it
in the family.

Yeah, but does it have to be
this family?

Actually, that reminds me,

Ba-ba-ba-boss man...

I need to leave early today

because my shrink
got me and him tickets

to a Pitbull concert.

And I already committed
to that.

And so if you say
that I can't go,

it's like you're taking
something away from me.

Um, store's really busy.

- I kinda need you to stay.
- Mmhmm.

I totally hear you.

Um, I also don't like
what you're saying.

So if you say no,

I will start a fire
in the bathroom.

Okay, I guess you can go.

Yeah, I know I can.

What did I tell you, huh?

She's the worst
in the world.

Jean-Ralphio.
How are you?

Hello.

Welcome to Pawnee Videodome.

Today we'll be screening

Stanley Kubrick's 1957 classic
Paths Of Glory.

It's about three men who refuse
to go on a suicide mission

and are executed for cowardice.

Or we could, you know,
maybe screen a different movie.

One that's
a little bit more upbeat.

Like Finding Nemo or...

I could do, uh,Shoah.

Okay,Paths Of Glory it is.

This is the Pawnee Videodome.

And we are here

because I started a program
to help local business.

This is a Pawnee institution.

This is the place
where Perd Hapley

shot his movie review show
Lights, Camera, Perd.

It's a heartwarming story,
but it's just not believable.

Which is why
I give E. T. 1 1/2 stars.

Andy, it's over.

Get up, Andy.

What are you doing?

What's everybody--
where are we?

The reason I love that film

is that it's really depressing.

Speaking of which, sadly,
next month,

Pawnee Videodome
will be closing its doors.

- Forever.
- No!

For those of you that
have attended our screenings,

I want to thank you
for your patronage,

though I wish you would have
rented more movies.

Guys, we have to help out
Dennis and his business.

Everybody rent something,
so we can help Dennis.

Sir, will you rent something?

Why would I do that?

All movies are online
for free.

I'm watching Iron Man 2
on my phone right now.

Okay, you're not helping.

I, for one, am going to rent
Finding Nemo.

Ooh, we don't carry cartoons.

But if you want a film
about the ocean,

we have a documentary

about the brutality
of Japan's whaling industry.

It's called
Tears Of My Blowhole.

And it's--it's nauseating.

I'll just buy
some red vines.

Oh, we only have
Japanese slime candy

and, um, Bulgarian wheat balls.

Leslie, seriously,
where are we?

All these kids
have fathers

and mothers
who have birthed them

and are guiding them
through life.

Yep, that's how it works.

How are you feeling?

Did you make
your dad-cision yet?

I am 100% certain

that I am 0% sure
of what I'm going to do.

Ann Perkins asked me
if I would like to donate sperm,

so she can have a baby.

It's a battle
between my primal desire

to bring a child
into this world

and my paralyzing fear

of negatively affecting
any living thing.

There's $60 missing
from the register.

I think Mona-Lisa's
stealing from me.

Yeah, it is
absolutely Mona-Lisa.

100%.
She's a total klepto.

And nympho and pyro--
all those things.

Okay, as your CFO,

I recommend getting rid
of her immediately.

I'm throwing
a huge cocktail party tomorrow

for all my best clients.

I don't have time
to find someone new.

This sucks.

You know,
when I was in high school,

we had to spend a week

carrying around
a sack of flour,

pretending it was a kid.

Why don't you
make Tom your sack of flour,

see how it feels
to parent him a little?

Ben, that is literally

the greatest idea
in human history.

I heard "sack of flour"
and "high school."

Are you dingdongs making
fake drugs for sophomores?

Because if true,
this guy wants in.

Yeah, just have Mr. Traeger
call me when he gets back in.

Actually, you know what?

Don't tell him that I called.

Just when he gets there,
can you text me

and tell me he's back?

You know what?

Let's just pretend
this didn't happen, okay?

This is Jerry Gergich calling.
Bye.

I have to tell you
a secret.

But if you tell anyone,

I will kill you slowly
with a giant syringe.

Good morning, April.
What's your secret?

I'm thinking about applying
to veterinary school

in Bloomington.

Oh, my God, April,
that's great!

Whoa!
Where'd you get that?

The Internet.

So I really need
a letter of recommendation.

And since you work
in a hospital,

- as a janitor...
- Nurse.

I was wondering if maybe
you would write one for me?

Really?

Generally, between us,

April always has
the upper hand.

And that hand
is usually giving me the finger

or pouring honey
in my purse.

But now I have
the upper hand.

And I'm going to use it

to crush her...

Into being nice
to me.

I would be happy
to write you that letter.

I actually know
the guy who runs

the veterinary program
over there.

Because you hooked up
with him?

I don't hook up
with everyone I know.

Although, yes,
we did hook up.

But before I write you
that letter,

you have to spend
the next week with me

and do everything I say.

So I have to be your slave
or something?

No, you have to be
my friend.

No, that is
so much worse.

Don't do that.

I think I have a plan
of how to save your store.

If we get
the Pawnee Historical Society

to declare your store
as a historical landmark,

then you might get enough
of a tax break

to keep your business afloat.

That sounds
like the government

meddling
in private enterprise.

Well, Ron, we all know

how much you love
the free market.

But the Pawnee Videodome
is the only place in town

where people gather
to do something intellectual.

That and the slam poetry nights
at Beanie's Coffee.

But I do not count those

because those poems
do not rhyme.

Anything can be a slam poem

if you say it like this.

It's pointless.

This man is a failure.

He is not up to snuff.

His business is failing,
and you're bailing it out.

This is a bailout,
and I don't like it.

And there are some pretty
intellectual conversations

down at Barrett's Hardware.

You may get
a little heat for this, okay?

So use
your money wisely.

Get popular films
that people wanna see.

Like, uh,

get the Tarkovsky movies
with the subtitles.

No. Like Pixar.

Reese Witherspoon.

I know this is gonna hurt,

but maybe some Michael Bay.

What? No, no.
No.

Tom, I have something
I need to talk to you about.

- Do we need to sit like this?
- Yes.

Mona-Lisa's taking advantage
of you.

And I'm sure
that it's not easy

when it's the sister
of a dear friend.

Oh, no, it's not that.

She scares the crap
out of me.

I once saw her punch
a police horse in the face.

Speak directly to her

and tell her,
"I will not be disrespected."

You're Tom Haverford.

You're a smart,
successful young man

with an adorable,
little belly.

Stand up for yourself.

Yeah, I'll talk to her
before the party.

And if she murders me,

tell Jean-Ralphio
to clear my browser history.

Thanks for the advice, man.

You're welcome.

Son.

What's that?

- Nothing.
- All right.

Pawnee Videodome

is where I rented
my first Bruce Lee movie.

And my second Bruce Lee movie.

And when I was
in seventh grade,

I went out back
in the alley behind the store,

and there was
a giant hornet's nest.

And I threw a rock at it,
and it exploded.

- And hornets came out.
- Andy-

The point is,

obviously,

you do not throw rocks
at a hornet's nest.

And the point is also

that the Pawnee Videodome
is a place

with tremendous community value,

where people gather
to expand their horizons.

Any other comments here
before we vo--

Ron?

What are you doing
at a city council meeting?

Are you lost?
Are you hurt?

No, I am here
to express an opinion.

This action
by Councilwoman Knope

is nothing more

than a thinly veiled
government bailout.

And I, for one, refuse
to let her turn this town

into a socialist hellscape.

Allow me to elaborate.

The government should not
prop up a failed business.

That would be like giving food
to a mortally wounded animal

instead of slitting
its throat

and properly utilizing
its meat and pelt.

Please stop talking
about wounded meat.

Pawnee needs a place
where the community can gather

to discuss
and appreciate art.

A place where you can rent
such films as Cinema Paradiso

or Rashomon.

You rented Rashomon?

What was your favorite part
of that?

I haven't rented it,
actually, yet.

But I like the idea
that there is a place

where I could rent Rashomon.

Uh, you can
just watch it online,

for free,
whenever you want.

Bailiff!

Thank you, Mr. Swanson,

for your absurd opinion,
which is shared by no one.

Now, are there
any more public comments

before we vote?
Mm.

How much to rent
this jacket?

Oh. Curly Sue,
that jacket is so ugly.

You should just take it.

It's 15 for the day,

40 for the week.

Thank you.

We appreciate your business.

Mona-Lisa!

Did you order the champagne
for the client party tonight?

Did I order the what
for the what-what what, what?

What are you even talking about
right now?

Okay, we need
to discuss your work habits.

Okay, sure,
but after I take a quick nap

because ecstasy takes

No. We're doing this now.

You need to start putting in
more of an effort

and start respecting
my authority around here!

Or else what?

Or else I'll fire you.

What did you just say?

I said, if you don't shape up,
I'll fire you.

Do you understand?

You are so freaking sexy
right now,

I could crap my pants.

Ugh.

What are you doing?

I guess
it would have to be

Channing Tatum's body,

Ryan Gosling's face,

and Michael Fassbender's...
sense of humor.

What about you?

Build your perfect guy.

Um...

Yao Ming's torso,

Napoleon's brain,

and The Hunchback
of Notre Dame's hunchback.

Do you like my nails?

Even though she hides it

underneath layers of sarcasm,
resentment, and grumpiness,

I know,
deep down somewhere,

April likes me.

I'm kind of just fracking
for friendship.

Gene Strackwell,
owner of Strackwell Hardware.

Is there a form I need
to fill out for the bailout?

We're not bailing anyone out.

Pawnee Videodome is receiving
historical landmark status.

We've been around
way longer

than that stupid
art house movie bullcrap.

And people need places
to buy tools.

Uh, you can
just buy tools online.

Bailiff, why is he back
in here?

How did you get back in here?

I'll see myself out.
Don't worry about it.

I heard you were giving out
free money.

I need $3,000.

Minimum.

Mr. Fantringham,
the city of Pawnee

is not gonna give you
a personal loan.

What would you do
if one of your citizens

was about to come into
some serious physical harm...

Unless he got $3,000?

I'd call the police.

You cannot call
the police.

Wilson Gromling
of the "Liberty or Die" party.

These government handouts
are deplorable.

You're just handing out
blank checks.

I was on food stamps.

I was on Welfare.

And nobody ever helped me.

This is not
a blank check.

I have given
specific instructions

to the Pawnee Videodome

about how they are going
to spend their money.

In a few days,
Dennis will reopen.

The store will serve
a wider range

of Pawnee's citizens,

and a Pawnee cultural
institution will be saved.

- Are there any other comments?
- Yes.

The Pawnee chapter
of the "Liberty or Die" party

has hit some hard times.

We were wondering

if maybe the town
could loan us some money.

Mmhmm.

Tom, how did it go
with Mona-Lisa?

I told her she needed
to change her attitude,

or I was gonna have
to fire her.

Well, that is very responsible
and mature.

She took it well?

Um... yeah.

For some reason,
she got super turned on.

We started making out.
Hard.

Next thing you know,
we're back at my place,

having sex.

We're together now.

Hey, bitch, I need
to borrow some money

to do something that
is none of your damn beeswax,

namely, I need to wax my bee.

Here you go.

I'd still hit it.

I'm coolin' on you.

See? Perfect!

Okay,
you have to choose one.

I can't think.

These braids you did
are making my brain hurt.

Fine. Miranda.

No, I think
you're a Charlotte.

You're like
a scary Charlotte.

Hey.

Hey, you.

What's--
what's up?

Nothin'.

This is weird.

- No, it's not.
- Yeah, it is.

- Why is it weird?
- It's not weird.

Do you want
to talk in private?

No, anything you can say
to Ann, you can say to me

because we're best friends
this week.

Ccan we talk later?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Why don't you talk now?

- No, talk to you later.
- Chris, we can talk now.

- What's going on, best friend?
- Nothing, never mind.

- Tell me.
- Nothing's happening.

Back to forced friendship.

Hey, let's go
put on our pj's

and make White Russians.
So fun.

Councilwoman.

I just came down

to see the effects
of your government intervention,

and I've got to hand it
to you--

You really turned
this place around.

Really?

Oh, my God,
this is amazing, Dennis.

- Hey.
- You did it!

We did it!
I did it.

- This is me.
- Yes, it was.

I took your advice.

Got rid of all
those dusty, old foreign films

and used the money
for the part of our business

that's always done
pretty well for us.

Give the people
what they want, right?

This isn't
what people want.

It's definitely
what that guy wants.

I like this store now.

Do you realize
what you have done?

The Pawnee government now
effectively owns a porn shop.

You have made us
porn peddlers!

Hello everyone,
I'm Brandi Maxxxx.

Let's give a big round of
applause to Councilwoman Knope

for keeping this store
in business!

No.
Everyone stop applauding.

For the record, I was
just trying to help a place

that had
tremendous cultural value.

Leslie, you've always been
a huge supporter of my work.

No, no, I haven't.

So I'm thrilled
to tell you

that I'm playing Leslie Knope

in the porn version
of the story

of this government bailout!

Please don't do that.

- Oh, we already filmed it.
- Oh!

The porn industry in town
was really faltering.

But now we're back.

You're our hero!

Oh!

Okay.
Are you ready?

For you to tell me
what's going on with Chris? Yes.

No.
To sing.

No, tell me about Chris.

Tell me about Chris,
or I'm leaving,

and I don't care
about the letter.

I wanna have a baby,

and I asked Chris
to donate his sperm.

And he's taking
a really long time

to make up his mind,
and it's really freaking me out.

And I can't stop thinking
about it,

and I'm obsessing
about it,

and I want to think
about anything else but that,

but it's making me crazy.

- You know this song already?
- Of course I do.

Everyone knows this song.
It's amazing.

This never happened.

I made everything worse.

If Tom were a bag of flour,

that flour would never grow up

to be a happy,
well-adjusted loaf of bread.

Much less
a bran muffin,

which is the highest honor
that flour can achieve.

Okay, so you're
really gonna say no to Ann?

I care about Ann very deeply,
but...

I just don't know
if I'm cut out to be a dad.

You know, Chris,
every parent makes mistakes.

I mean, lord knows
I've made plenty.

But it's the small victories
that keep you going.

When you see your little one
take her first step

or--or graduate college,

oh, my God, it just makes it
all worth it.

And another thing is if--

If, like--

If I--

You know,
and then your kid's--

because you're like--vrrrr--
I don't know.

And everyone's like,

"Oh."

Oh, I'm sorry, guys.

I--no one ever lets me
talk this long.

I just got lost.

It was a beautiful point.

And very well said,
right up until that moment

that you started babbling
incoherently.

And I'll have
the number eight.

That's a party platter.
It serves 12 people.

I know
what I'm about, son.

Go ahead, Ron.
Let me have it.

Oh, wait,
I'll do it for you.

I told you so, Leslie.

This is what happens

when the government interferes
with business.

Government is bad,
business is good.

Free market.

Capitalism
is the only way, Leslie.

It moves
our country forward.

It's what makes
America great.

And England okay
and France terrible.

I like capitalism.
I love competition.

I'm more competitive
than you.

- I don't think so.
- I think so.

- Settle down.
- No, settle up.

'Cause the bill's been paid,
and I've paid it,

and I've won.

Look, the point is
there has to be a way

for the government
to help places

that add community value

but don't necessarily
rake in the money.

There is not.

The free market is a jungle.

It's beautiful and brutal
and should be left alone.

When a business fails,
it dies,

and a new, better one
takes its place.

Just let business be business
and government be government.

Here you go.

And one number eight.

All right, party time.

I would suggest sticking
around and watching him eat it

'cause it only takes
four minutes,

and it's pretty amazing.

These will not
be necessary.

Here is your letter
of recommendation,

so you're off the hook.

No need to pretend
to be my friend anymore.

Thank God.

I can't tell
if you actually hate me

or if this
is just how you are,

but I had fun hanging out
with you.

So I don't care what you say,
you're my friend.

And I hope you get
into veterinary school

because I like you,
so there.

I got you something too.

A baby-naming book.

I hope it works out
with Chris.

And if it doesn't, I hope
it works out with someone.

We're gonna hug now.

- No.
- Yeah.

Ow! You're hurting me!

Mm! Lot of hot "D"
in here tonight.

Ooh, look
at that chunky hunky.

Go over there
and talk to him

and find out
what his deal is.

No, I'm not gonna talk
to some other guy.

When we're together,
you can't check out other guys.

That's the deal.

Or else it's over between us,
you understand?

Mm! Tommy laying down the law.
A little feisty.

I like that, okay?
I'ma go get a soda.

Do you want
to have sex somewhere

after I do that?

- Sure.
- All right.

Well.

Looks like things
with Mona-Lisa are...

Continuing.

Yeah. I think
I'm gradually transforming her

from truly terrible
to only kinda terrible.

It's the small victories,
you know?

Indeed.

The small victories.

I know
she's kind of a monster,

but whatever.

I'm young.
She's sexy.

I'm just gonna see
where this roller coaster goes.

Fair enough.

Is there anything else
you need help with?

Have you learned
how to ride a bike yet?

Yeah.
I'm 28 years old.

I'm proud of you, bud.

Thanks!

Ann Perkins.

Is that
a happy "Ann Perkins,"

or is that
a bad-news "Ann Perkins"?

Oh, happy.
Obviously.

The bad-news one
sounds like this.

"Ann Perkins."

Oh.

Well, I've thought about it.

And I'm in.

I want to be a parent.

I want to raise a child,

with all the ups and downs

and challenges
that comes with it.

Chris, this is so great.

- I'm so happy.
- Me too.

Well, I guess your uter-you
and my uter-me

are now our uter-us.

Don't make me change my mind.

Although we are all sad
and deeply grossed out

that the Pawnee Videodome

is turning
into a porno palace,

I am happy to announce
that the Pawnee government

will be hosting
a weekly movie night

here at the Community Center.

There will be free screenings
followed by a discussion

led by local film buff
Dennis Lerpiss.

Tonight's film is...

The Sound Of Music.

And... action.

I'm glad you're here,
Dong Swanson.

The local video store's
about to go under.

We have to save it.

Oh, this is the wrong movie.

We ne--
shut this down, please.

- Shut it down.
- Sorry, Leslie.

I'm a strict libertarian,

and I don't believe in bailouts.

This is not how it happened.

_

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