All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e13 Emergency Response.eng

If I could sum up
the Pawnee Commons

in one word, it would be:

Dynamite.

"Dynamite" stands for
daring, youth-friendly,

natural, amazing, merry,
inviting,

tourist attraction-y,
and eco-friendly.

Thank you,
Councilwoman Knope--

very, very thorough

- and so many acronyms.
- I know.

Councilman Jamm?

Thank you, Bill.

No, please,
everyone be seated.

Let the record show
there was a standing ovation.

- No, there wasn't.
- There was not.

History will decide.

My plan
for lot 48 is simple.

But why read it

when you can shove it
right in your face?

I want to sell this lot
to Paunch Burger.

Here's why.

We make money.
They make money.

They make burgers.
We eat burgers.

Mmhmm.

That's a win-win-win-win.

Presentation over.
Jamm out.

Oh, man.

Are there curly fries?
I love their curly fries.

Ann.

Well, the planning commission
has a week to decide

if they want a beautiful,
innovative community park

or a bunch
of greasy lard bombs.

I'm not editorializing.

Paunch Burger's
number-one-selling burger

is the greasy lard bomb.

Just give me a hint as to
which way you guys are leaning.

Off the record?
We're leaning towards Jamm.

Why? You know my plan
is better for the community.

Oh, it's way better,
but you're also short $50,000.

We can't approve
an underfunded project.

Hey, get the rest
of the money,

you get your park.

You only have a week.

What are we going
to do, guys?

How are we going
to get that money?

Hey, come on.
Cheer up, little pups.

Registering
for your wedding

is the most important moment
of your lives.

Love--
love fades away.

But things...

- Things are forever.
- That's beautiful.

Did the Dalai Lama say that?

Ooh!
A citrus reamer!

Oh, this is the only way
to ream citrus.

You're gonna need
two of these.

I don't want
a citrus reamer.

I don't want
any of this stuff.

Look, all I want is
to be married to you

and to somehow get $50,000.

Hey, hang on.

What if we register for the park
instead of the stuff?

We could organize
a black-tie gala

with food and music

and maybe a silent auction
to raise money.

Yeah,
and people could donate,

or they could bid
to put their names

on everything
in the park,

like benches,
cobblestones,

trees, ants, air.

Right, some of that
is possible.

- You are a genius. Let's go.
- Okay.

Hey, guys.

I'm really feeling
these sheets--very cozy.

I just want
to say thank you

for all your hard work
this week.

Give yourselves a hand.

But your applause
is premature.

You just told us
to applaud.

Well, if I told you to jump
off a bridge, would you do it?

I hope so,
because the only way

that this gala
is going to happen

is if you do
everything I say.

Tom, I need you
to contact

three more food vendors
on this list,

and they need to do it
for free.

I'm omelet.

Get it?
"I'm on it," "I'm omelet"?

I get it, and I love it,

but I don't have time
for food puns right now.

Okay, I'm heading out.
Good-pie.

Go.

Gurt. Go-gurt.
I'm incredible.

See you guys.

Okay.
Donna, Jerry--

Leslie!

Leslie, we need you back
at the command center right now!

We have a class-one
city emergency.

Oh, my God.
Gayle.

My girls!

What's the emergency?

Oh, this is just a drill,

but I am having so much fun
pretending it's real.

Are you kidding me?

The disaster-preparedness people
picked today?

Each year every city
in Indiana is reviewed

by the Department
of Emergency Preparedness.

And Pawnee has failed
12 years in a row.

On last year's report,
they stated,

"Every time it so much
as drizzles in Pawnee,

"the town is in danger
of collapsing

into Thunderdome-style,
post-apocalyptic mayhem."

Okay, we don't know how long
Leslie's going to be gone,

so let's just knock
some of this stuff off.

Should someone
stop Jerry?

Gayle!

Eh, he'll figure it out
eventually.

First, we do
the written exam,

and then we do
the personality evaluation,

which I feel like I'm gonna
nail, 'cause people always say,

"But he's got
a great personality."

Okay, quiz me.

Okay, what does it mean
when an officer calls in a 3542?

Assault and battery.
The way I remember that,

I picture 35 a-salt shakers
and 42 batteries.

Great. What is
the criminal code for arson?

Arson is 533.

You know how
I remember that?

I picture 533
salt shakers and batteries

lighting a building
on fire.

Oh, I'm nervous.

Babe, look at me.

You are going
to pass this test,

and you are going
to become a cop.

And if you don't,
I'll just divorce you

and marry someone else

and then cheat on them
with you.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Also, I got you
a lucky charm.

I found a dead rabbit
on the side of the road,

and I cut its feet off
and made it into a lucky charm.

Baby, you are so creepy.

Thank you. I love it.

Dwyer, you're up.

My name
is Leonard Tchulm.

I'm head
of the Indiana Department

of Emergency Preparedness.

And today
I'm going to bring

death and destruction
to your town.

I am Leslie Knope.
I am the Pawnee Emergency Czar.

And this year, we are more
than prepared for your test,

but, um, it just so happens,
today is a little inconvenient.

Good, because
the best day for a drill

is when it's inconvenient
for everyone.

My mother is getting
a colonoscopy today.

I'm not even sure there's
anyone there to drive her home,

so we're all making sacrifices,
Ms. Knope.

Well, I'm very sorry
to hear about your mother.

Mm, we're not that close.

Oh. Good.

Okay, volunteer victims,

please put your
identification placards on now

and go to your designated areas
throughout town.

First Responders,
return to your stations,

and the simulation
begins...

N-n-n...

Went past the zero.

I got to wait till it goes...

Okay, now.

All right, officers,
bolt the doors.

We are officially
in lockdown mode.

The doors will not open

until Leonard announces
that this drill is complete.

The most important event

that I have ever organized
in my entire life

is happening in eight hours,
and I am stuck in this room.

This is a nightmare.

Wait.
Maybe this is a nightmare.

Nope, can't fly away.

This is real life.

And now, I'm going to open
one of these ten envelopes at random

to determine
your simulated disaster.

Pawnee
has been hit by...

A strain of avian flu.

Yes! Avian flu!
Jackpot.

This is a simple one, guys.

Everybody
open their binders, okay?

- "The Knope Protocol"?
- Uh, correction.

That's "Mission Im-Pawnee-able:
Knope Protocol."

Now, if everyone just
follows my instructions,

we will ace this test, and
we will be done in 90 minutes.

"Step one--
insert the DVD scenario."

Hmm, what could be on this?

Good evening,
this is Channel 4 lead anchor

Willow Tremaine,
with breaking news.

Avian flu has just
hit the town of Pawnee.

We go live now
to St. Joseph's Medical Center

for an update.

Hello, my name is

Donatella Breckinridge, M.D.
I graduated

first in my class
from Harvard Medical School,

so I know
what I'm talking about.

This is the avian flu,
or we call "H5N1."

Donna, are we on schedule
for the tent setup?

The tables showed up,
which is good,

but there are no chairs,
which is bad.

Okay, well, get some chairs
from somewhere.

Great leadership--
inspiring.

Oh, God. Leslie was gonna
go on Pawnee Today

- to promote the gala.
- I'll do it.

No offense, Ron, but I don't
think you'd be great on TV.

I can speak in full sentences,
and I won't cry.

Fair point.
I did cry last time.

Godspeed.

Mmm! Smells amazing, Chef.
What you cooking?

Little coq au vin?
Little bouillabaisse?

You can stop
the ass-kissing, Haverford.

I know why you're here.
I cannot do the gala.

It doesn't make
business sense

to cater something that big
for free.

Please. If the gala
doesn't go perfectly,

the lot could become
a Paunch Burger.

Doesn't that offend your refined
Parisian sensibilities?

I'm from Orlando.

And I don't care
about the Paunch Burger.

If it was another French
restaurant, maybe I'd worry.

Hey!
Well, you know what?

What? What?

What you got for me?
Get out of my kitchen!

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

Pardon! Pardon!

Hey,
can you hear me?

Oh!
Leslie, you on the TV!

Well,
you're on mine, Brett.

- We're having a video conference.
- Oh, okay.

Pawnee has been hit
with the avian flu.

- Tight.
- No, this is bad news.

I need everyone there
at Animal Control

to eradicate
all the infected birds in town.

"Kill all birds."

- This is for the drill, right?
- Yes.

But I'm actually gonna kill
these birds for real?

No.
No, just pretend.

Right. So how do I kill 'em--
like, with a gun?

No.

I could fill up a bathtub and
just drown 'em one at a time.

Okay, let's forget
we ever talked.

Got it. Kill 'em.

Okay, casualty update--
only four dead,

two of whom were already
gravely ill and brothers.

That family
took a terrible hit.

Well, that's great news.

Not so fast.
I regret to inform you

that someone in this room
has begun exhibiting symptoms--

- Christopher Traeger.
- What?

A few months ago, the thought
of an infectious disease,

even hypothetical,
would have sent me

careening
towards Bummerville,

but now I am infected
with a killer virus,

and I feel fine.

Therapy!

This is
highly irregular.

We have followed protocol
to the letter.

No, you did not.

Unfortunately, no one contacted
the transit department

to shut down bus service.

So you rode a bus
with a contagious man,

and he infected you
and 39 others.

That is impossible.
I do not ride the bus.

I ride my bicycle behind the bus
as a windbreak.

Doesn't matter.
Prepare for the diarrhea.

Okay, who was supposed to deal
with Transit?

My bad, guys. That's my bad.
Chris, very sorry.

Damn it, Jamm.

I should've had animal control
kill you.

- Oh, who you want me to kill?
- No one.

I'll kill him...

As soon as I'm done
with these birds.

Hello.

I'm here for the interview
about tonight's gala.

Yeah, listen, I'm a little
under the weather.

I went on a booze cruise
last week.

It just finished up
an hour ago.

On a completely unrelated note,
I have horrible allergies.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.

But I do need
to promote this event.

Don't worry about me.
I'm a true professional.

The show must go on.
In five, four, three...

Two...

Hello.
I'm Joan Callamezzo.

Today's show will not go on.

It seems like her allergies
are kicking in.

My name is Ron Swanson.

I am here to tell you

about a black-tie gala
fund-raiser for Pawnee Commons

happening tonight.

All proceeds will go
toward building a park.

It will be enjoyable.

Take a--
take a phone call.

Now I will take your calls,
apparently.

Yes?

Hey, Joan,
settle a bet for me.

Who's the sexiest couple
in history?

R-Patz and K-Stew,
or Bieber--

Hey, how's it going?

Uh, well, this simulated
disaster is a total disaster.

How are you?

Ron subbed for you
on Pawnee Today.

Ron who? Ron Swanson?
On television?

You know we want
people to come, right?

Donna still can't find
any chairs.

We don't know where Jerry is.

And now some firemen are using

the lot as a triage center
for the emergency drill.

Okay, here's what you do.
Listen to me caref--

Attention.
Panic from the outbreak

has overloaded
cell phone towers.

Please deposit your phones
into this box.

Oh, my God,
this drill will never end.

- Okay, tell the firefighters...
- All phones.

To set up triage
at the high school...

- All phones.
- And then to--

but I'm talking
to someone important.

- All phones.
- Let me tell him

something important.
Fix it, Ben! Fix it!

Okay.

What?

I found one chair,
got a lead on a second.

Keep me posted.

So this test will determine

whether you have
the right personality profile

to be a police officer.

Just to make sure
the machine is working,

is your name Andy?

I don't know
how to answer that.

- A simple "yes" or "no."
- Well, everyone calls me Andy,

but my full name is Andrew,
I think,

so...

No?

Wait. Yes.

Let's move on.

Scenario--
a high-school-aged child

asks to hold
your service revolver.

What do you do?

Yes, I give it to him.

When I was a kid, I always
wanted to hold a cop's gun.

To make that dream come true
for another kid--

Well, that's what being a cop
is all about.

Scenario--you pull a car over
for speeding.

You find out
that it's your father.

- How do you handle the situation?
- Ooh.

Well, first,
I would be like,

"Dad...

"You're alive?
What the hell?

Also, do you know
where my catcher's mitt is?"

Shouldn't you be taking her
to lie down somewhere?

Oh, no. If she ever found out
that we took her off camera,

we'd all be fired.

So just, uh, keep taking calls.
You're doing great.

Three, two...

Hello, again.

I'm Ron Swanson,

and I am still taking
your calls--

hopefully,
about tonight's gala.

You're on the air.

Hi, uh, what's wrong
with Joan?

She has a bad hangover,

which she is pretending
is allergies.

Is she gonna be okay?

Wouldn't know--
never been hungover.

After I've had
too much whiskey,

I cook myself
a large flank steak,

pan-fried
in salted butter.

I eat that,
put on a pair of wet socks,

and go to sleep.

- That works?
- It does.

Please call now if you have
questions about tonight's gala

or one of my other
interests--

Woodworking,
uh, novels about tall ships,

meat,
that sort of thing.

I'm afraid
I have some very bad news.

"I, Chris Traeger, after several
sustained hours of diarrhea,

"combined with violent coughing
and a devastating fever,

"followed
by even more diarrhea,

have succumbed
to the avian flu."

I'm dead.

I got to say, Leonard,
it kind of feels

like you're putting us
through the ringer here.

Can you us an idea
how long this is gonna take?

Uh...

Probably
six to eight more hours.

- Eight more hours?
- Nine.

Are all state emergency drills
this intensive?

Oh, no, hardly ever.
Councilman Jamm requested it.

Oh, really?

Specifically asked
that the drill to be done today

and said I should give you
everything I got.

Mmhmm.

Guys! Come here.

The game is rigged.

Jamm invited Leonard here,

and he screwed up the bus thing
on purpose to slow us down.

It is with a heavy heart
that I say,

"We have been jammed."

God, that guy is the worst!

Look, we are stuck in this room
until the drill is over.

What are we gonna do?
The only thing we can do.

In order
to save our park...

We have to destroy
the entire town.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are making some changes
to the Knope Protocol.

Ann, how much flu vaccine
does the hospital still have?

Enough for 2,000 people.

Great. Why don't you tell
the hospital director

- to flush them down the toilet.
- You got it.

Chief Fugleberg, I want you
to order your officers

to find all the infected birds
in the area and perform CPR.

Sorry.
Won't they become infected?

That's a risk
we're gonna have to take.

Our top priority is now
saving all the birds.

And you know what? Why don't we
just kick this up a notch?

Oh, no!
Pawnee has been hit with...

A tornado quake!

This is Ron.
Go ahead, caller.

Hi.

My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed
up the legs on my kitchen table.

Is there a cheap way
to repair that?

Great question.

Take a walnut and rub it
into the legs of your table.

That'll mask the scratches.

Next thing you want to do
is ditch the Terrier

and get yourself
a proper dog.

Any dog under 50 pounds
is a cat,

and cats are pointless.

Come to the gala.
Next caller.

Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip
ice cream, and Johnny Cash.

Don't trust big banks
or small banks.

Banks are Ponzi schemes
run by morons.

Your house isn't haunted.
You're lonely.

Whatever happened to,
"Hey, I have some apples.

Would you like to buy them?"
"Yes, thank you."

That's as complicated
as it should be

to open a business
in this country.

I've seen three movies
in my life--

Bridge on the River Kwai,
Patton,

and Herbie Fully Loaded.

My girlfriend's kids love it.

It's pretty funny.

Next caller.

Good morning.

And... it is a wrap.

Everyone in Pawnee
is dead.

Including
Councilman Jamm.

What?
No, no, you can't do that.

It says right there,
you're dead,

so is everyone
you care about.

Oh, well,
joke's on you.

I don't have anyone
I care about.

Ms. Knope, I'm afraid

I have to once again
give Pawnee a failing grade.

This was bad--
Fort Wayne bad.

Bummer.
Thank you for your time.

I think we're done here.

I will see everyone at the gala,
and I will see you in hell.

Yeah, you're too late, Knope.
That lot is mine.

I can't hear you.
I'm a ghost.

Yeah, well, so am I,
so you can hear me!

Ghost jammed!

We got all the way
to Muncie

before we realized
that it was just a drill.

I mean, all I'm saying is
you could've called.

No one had your cell number, Big "J."

I find that hard to believe.

Oh, my God,
why is everyone standing around?

We have work to do.
Status report.

- Status report!
- Well--

Nope, we don't have time for that.

We're gonna
have to postpone the gala,

but we can't, because
the deadline is tomorrow.

Oh, my God, I destroyed
the entire town for nothing.

Leslie, it's okay.

Oh, my God.
You did all this?

How did you get food?

I had a classic stroke
of Haverford genius.

Who has the most to lose
from a new Paunch Burger?

Their competitors.

I got all the other
fast-food places in town

to donate food.

I know black tie and chicky
tenders isn't the best mix,

- but--
- No, Tom, I love it.

And more importantly, so will
all of our more ample citizens.

How did you
get the word out?

Well, Ron went on Joan's show
and kicked ass.

I also helped a child
perform a tracheotomy

on his elderly uncle.

It's been
a very rewarding day.

Also, I told the firemen they
should use the lot as triage

and then gave them
and all the dead and wounded

- two free drink tickets.
- Wow.

This is great.
Thank you so much.

Let's start the gala.

Oh, and thanks
for dressing up, Jerry.

- Hello, Chief Fugleberg.
- Hey.

That's your buddy Andy Dwyer
over there, isn't it?

-Such a shame.
- Oh, no.

- Did he fail his test?
- It's weird.

He got 100%
on his written test--

first guy in history
to do it--

but he failed
his personality examination.

He's a sweet kid--

just doesn't have
what it takes to be a cop.

Oh, Andy.

Too bad. He's certainly
something of a genius.

We could use his brains
on the force.

Official police wrist lock.
You can't hit me. Try to hit me.

Or here, no, try--
it's this hand.

Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain,
you can't even hit me.

Try to hit me.

If I had my gun, you wouldn't
try to hit me, though,

is the thing.

Uh, if I could have
everyone's attention please?

I am so happy to announce
that as of one minute ago,

we have reached
our fund-raising goal.

Every dollar spent here tonight
by you, the community,

will be poured right back
into this wonderful project.

And speaking of community,

I'd like to thank my community--
my friends.

It's a lesson that I have
learned over and over again,

but it bears repeating--

No one achieves anything alone.

Without further ado,
the best band in Pawnee--

Mouse Rat.

Thank you.

I thought you should see
why Leslie tanked the drill.

Councilman Jamm used you
as a stalling tactic,

hoping it would kill
Leslie's park project.

If the test were any other day,
Leslie would have aced it.

I believe you.

Maybe I'll find my way back here
in a month for a re-do.

I appreciate it.

Have you ever thought
of being a sperm donor?

I'm impotent.

Yeah, I don't need
to know that.

This is
the best wedding present ever.

This is
the best night ever.

I wish we were getting married
tonight.

Well, we only have
three more months.

I can't wait
three more months.

God, I just hate the feeling
of not being married to you.

Well...

Let's just do it, then.

Let's get married...
Here, tonight.

I mean,
we're all in black tie.

We've got plenty of food
and entertainment...

And you did want to invite
the whole town

to the wedding, right?

Leslie...

Let's get married...
Tonight.

_

Breaking news--
I've just been handed this.

Pawnee has been hit
by a devastating earthquake.

We go to our reporter, live,

Winnifred Makepiece,
for the story. Winnifred?

Thanks, Jessica. I'm here
at the Pawnee Weather Center

with celebrated geologist
Isabella Winchester.

Isabella, can you tell us more
about this killer earthquake?

That's right, Winnifred,

the earthquake registered
an 8.5 on the Richter scale.

That's correct.
It was a large one.

Thank you so much,
everyone.

From all of us here
at Channel 4 News,

I'm Jessica Rabrit.

Have a good evening
and be safe out there.

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