All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e05 Halloween Surprise.eng

- Hey.
- Hey.

Am I interrupting
something important?

Impossible.
I work for the government.

I just picked up the girls,
thought we'd stop by.

How are the girls--

Yes, they are.

Hello, girls.

Diane and I have been seeing
a lot of each other, recently.

She is a sharp,
confident, strong woman.

Her children are loud.

Kung fu!

Here comes trouble!

This is fun.

Easy, girls.

We'll be careful, Miss Lewis.

Ow!

I'm sorry.

I've got it.

We just wanted to invite you

to come trick
or treating tonight.

I think I'm a little old.

Can we go, Ron, please?

- Please?
- You can come, sure.

We have to go by 7:00 or else
the good candy will be gone.

Sounds perfect.

Come on, girls.

Bye, guys!

See you later, Ron!

See you tonight!

What the hell just happened?

So, three bedrooms,
two baths, nice big backyard.

But no trampoline room,
correct?

Correct.

Like all houses in the world,

- there's no trampoline room.
- Mm.

Ben is coming back
from D.C. in ten days

and he we are moving
into a house together.

He would move into my place,

but it's a scary
nightmare hoarder nest.

His words.
And Ann's.

And the official report
filed by the Health Department.

I'm just so happy that Ben and I
are starting our life together

and my future's
finally back on track.

Martha, I wanna
lease this house.

Great.

Thought it was gonna be
more dramatic than that.

Hold on.

Okay, say it again.

Martha, I wanna
lease this house.

Whoo!

Parks Department!

Chris Traeger,
city manager, friend,

aspiring life coach
and recipient

of Dr. Richard Nygard's award
for Most Improved Patient

for my psychotherapy sessions.

Wow, that's great, Chris.
Congrats.

Thanks, Jerry.

It's just a piece of paper

and he only made it for me after
I specifically asked for it

while crying loudly, but...

It sure meant a lot
to receive it.

In honor of Halloween,
the city manager's office

will be throwing a scary movie
night in the courtyard.

Tonight's film is
the 1986 horror camp classic,

- - Murder At Blood Lake.

Seriously?
That's the best one!

I hope no one minds
if I live tweet this bitch.

I am coming dressed
as my greatest fear,

because Dr. Richard Nygard feels
that I should face my fears

instead of running from them.

He's very wise.
I see him five times a week.

He holds my life in his hand
like a fragile little bird.

See you tonight!

Well, Congressman Murray
has an 18 point lead.

Calloway is out of money
and has stopped campaigning.

So, congratulations!

- Great work, all of you!
- Yeah.

- But especially me!
- Especially everyone.

This was a team effort, really.

But I was the best.
Thank you.

You were all fantastic.

Most of all me,
April Ludgate, the real hero.

Thank you and you're welcome.

Actually, April, if you want,

you can head back
to Pawnee early.

- Wrap a few things up and--
- Great.

Whoo!

That's an exit.

Gone, but never forgotten.

Who was that?
I'm just kidding.

Not bad, right?

You know, I have to say, Murray
really came through--

Yeah, yeah, this one's over.
We won. Great job.

Blah blah blah.

Let's talk about
what you're gonna do next.

Oh, well, I was gonna
get a chicken parm

- and watch Bladerunner.
- Mm.

Oh, are you talking about,
like, job-wise?

Yes, Ben, I am talking about,
like, job-wise.

So you're a princess too, hey?

Oh, for the last four years
everything has been princesses.

Every book, every movie,
every backpack.

All princesses all the time.

- Oh, that sounds fun.
- It's a nightmare.

Excuse me, I just have to
file a quick report.

I'm applying
to the police academy soon

and the manual says I have to
work on my observation skills

so...Tree, leaves, night, sky,
hand. Andy's hand.

Pfft. What else you got?

Oh, no.
Vice principal emergency.

- What is it?
- I have to leave.

Some idiot kids were caught
pooping on the soccer field?

Oh, too bad.

Guess trick or treating's over.

- No, Mommy, no!
- I'm sorry.

No, we can walk 'em around,
it's no problem.

I mean, we just got started.

Oh, that's so sweet of you.

Now, ladies, Princess Mommy

has to go take care
of some bad guys,

so you be nice
to Ron and Andy, okay?

Okay, let's go
to the next house.

I need to go
to the bathroom.

I-I have no idea
what to do about that.

Uh-oh.

It's the death canoe.

Get your foot
out the water, dumb-ass!

It's blood lake.

Now, I missed the first three
Death Canoe films.

Why exactly is it a death canoe?

- Does it tip over easily?
- Read my Twitter feed.

I live tweeted the first three
this morning in preparation.

In the fifth one,
the canoe's actually the hero.

It's a crazy twist.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You're the, uh--
- The lady and you're the--

- USA!
- Cool. Great.

So hold on,
what does this mean?

It means Jen wants me
to keep working for her.

There's a businessman in Florida
who wants to run for governor.

Florida?
They have sharks in Florida.

And swamps.
And swamp sharks.

Do you mean alligators?

Maybe.
Look, so are you gonna do it?

I--I mean,
I just applied for a lease.

- We were supposed to--
- I know,

and I know this makes
the future a little murky,

but right now everything's
really preliminary, okay?

We'll know more
in a week or so.

Trick or treat!

7:34 pm.
Man dressed as a nerd.

Female dressed as crazy witch.

Neither of us is in costume.

Case closed.
Candy, please.

Ron, Zoe broke my tiara!

We both have the same tiara.

Now she has one and I don't.

- Okay.
- I didn't mean to, Ivy!

Okay, well,
let's just even things out.

There. Now neither of you
has a tiara. Problem solved.

- Oh!
- Right in his face!

"Sorry about your jaw, son."

I mean, I just feel
so powerless.

Just when things start to turn
around and they fall apart.

Now I know exactly how FDR
felt after Pearl Harbor.

Look, you guys
have survived this long.

Please don't let this
ruin your night.

Let's have fun.

It's Halloween.
You love Halloween.

Hey, I know
what would cheer you up.

Let's go wait outside
the bathroom for Tom

and scare him.

That would cheer me up.

Okay.

Ready and...

Boo!

Jerry, God. Gross.

Oh...

Jerry?

Guys, I--

Oh, God, I think he might be
having a heart attack.

What? Are you serious?

Ugh. So much stuff
is happening right now.

- Okay, call 911.
- Okay.

Just breathe, okay?
You're gonna be fine.

Oh, geez!
Did a dinosaur just fart?

Jerry, get a grip.

Sorry, guys.

Ugh! Apology not accepted.

Stop talking, moron.

I wish I could
stop smelling.

Dude.

Seriously, Jerry,
did you eat farts for lunch?

Tom!
Jerry's having a heart attack.

Oh, no, I didn't know that.

Jerry, you okay?

Okay, I've got some magazines

and those boring
word jumbles you like to do.

Is there anything else
you need, J?

Maybe some Gas-X?

Ha ha, Tom.

How is he, Ann?
Give it to me straight.

He's great.

He should be out of here
in a day or two.

Doctor, medically speaking,

how would you describe
what happened to Jerry?

He had a mild heart attack.

Yeah, but he also exhibited
excessive flatulence.

Is there a term
for having a heart attack

while releasing so much gas?

Not really.

Gastrointestinal distress is
common during a cardiac event.

I just want
to hear the doctor

say that Jerry
had a fart attack.

Is that too much to ask?

Thank you so much.

Look at all the balloons and
the flowers and the food and--

my goodness, you're so sweet
to come visit this often.

- Well, they did cause it.
- Hey.

No.
That's okay.

I'm glad this happened.

I mean, I could do without
the mess of hospital bills,

but no, this was a wakeup call.

I'm gonna make some changes.

I want at least another 30 years
with Gayle and my girls.

Don't worry, Jerry, okay?

You are gonna have the future
that you've always planned.

Just leave it to us.

Okay, so I have arranged
for the Parks Department

to throw a huge garage sale
fundraiser for Jerry

to help pay
for his hospital bills.

The Pawnee municipal employee
health care plan

is kinda crappy.

One time I sprained my wrist

and our insurance claimed
that having a wrist

was a pre-existing condition.

Babe, how much
should I sell this hat for?

I don't know, eight cents?

Honey, this is the hat
I was wearing

the first time I ever heard
Vitalogy by Pearl Jam.

Oh, $900.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Ron, you're not selling
anything?

I am selling this table.

I made it.

So when am I gonna meet
your new lover?

I'm afraid things have hit
a rough patch with Diane.

She was not pleased with
my babysitting performance

and left me a very loud message
on my cell phone.

I'm sure she'll get over it

if you just
say you're sorry though.

I like Diane,
but I'm not sure

if I'm ready
for a whole family.

If the kids ever wanted
to come to my place,

I'd have to take
a whole week off work

just to undo the alarms
and tripwires.

Hey, that's my name.

Yeah,
that's my Chris Traeger box.

All these boxes represent stuff

from different eras
of ex-boyfriends.

Oh...Here are those ankle
weights I bought you

that you liked so much.

Recently Leslie pointed out

that sometimes
when I date someone,

I kind of adopt
that person's personality.

The evidence
is fairly damning.

Chris Traeger--
exercise phase.

Andy Dwyer--
my grunge phase.

Tom Haverford--
my needless shopping phase.

Also my credit card
debt phase.

Ann Perkins.

Thank you so much for coming.
Good afternoon.

As many of your know,
Jerry Gergich, our friend,

has suffered
a devastating fart attack,

and we are here to help.

So there are some special
auction items

I will be dealing with.

The first item up for bid
is an inscribed autobiography

from Pawnee newscaster
Perd Hapley.

The book's entitled The Thing
About Me Is I'm Perd Hapley.

Anyway, let's start
the bidding at $20. $20.

Thank you sir, for 20.
Do I see 30?

Mr. Kurtzwilder, it might
be helpful if you told us

why you want to be
governor of Florida.

Well, I guess you could say

mine is the classic
Florida success story.

I went to SFU law school,

I was working at a small firm
in Orlando,

and one day, bam, just like
that, gator eats penis.

Excuse me?

Well, that was my first
high profile case.

It was a classic
Florida divorce.

Guy cheats on his wife
with Dan Marino's masseuse,

one day she cuts his junk off,
throws it in the Everglades.

- Why not?
- Damn alligator ate it.

And that case,
that case made my career.

Now, I just wanna
give something back.

Frankly, your path
to victory is narrow.

Governor Scott
might be vulnerable,

but you have very little
name recognition.

But the Barkley Group
is the best at what we do.

We're not in the business
of losing elections.

We can get you
where you wanna go.

I'm just saying, you should
have put "spoiler alert"

on all those Death Canoe tweets.

Also, not safe for work.

You know, a lot of what you
wrote was really profane.

That movie's 25 years old,
Morris.

And if you don't like how I
tweet, don't follow me.

What are you doing now?
I'm talking to you.

I'm live tweeting
this dumb-ass conversation.

- You like that coat?
- Yeah.

But $200?
It's used.

I paid 150 for it,
then added the scorpion.

You can't sell clothes
at a tag sale

for more than they're worth.

Um, watch me.

Got a minute?

Sure.

I-I didn't expect to see you

after the...yelling
that occurred.

Yeah, I was a bit stressed,

but I'm not here
to make excuses.

I just wanted to say that I am
sorry for the way I reacted.

Apology accepted.

Do you wanna
say anything to me?

Oh. Yes.

You look nice today.

You broke
my daughter's tiara.

You ruined their Halloween.

Don't you feel
a little bit bad about that?

- Okay--
- Um.

Too late.

Good-bye.

Dude, you're totally
blowing this.

I'm not gonna apologize.

It wasn't even a real tiara,
for God's sake.

Oh, well, relationship over.
Too bad.

Oh, my God, you are so sad.

- I am not.
- Ron, she's right.

I've trained extensively
in the art of observation.

You are sad, and we know why.

You didn't sell you table.

And it's probably
a little too expensive.

Shh. No.

Okay, this is our
final auction item.

It's a one-of-a-kind autograph

from mayor Gunderson's dog,
Rufus.

Yeah, we need some big bids--

Oh, excuse me one second.

Um, can you--t--just--okay.

Hey, how was the meeting?

Kurtzwilder wants me to run
his campaign from Florida.

I'm not exactly sure when
the job would even starts,

but it would probably mean
putting our plans on hold.

Well, I mean, you know,

obviously you gotta
take it, right?

No, I mean,
I'm not making any decisions

until we talk about this
and everything it would mean.

Look, I'm flying back
to Washington.

I'll call you when I get there.
Okay?

Yeah, okay.

- Love ya.
- Love you, too.

$55. Great.
Okay, come on, $60?

$65 anybody?

Hey, we're up to $60,
not bad, right?

Yes, Ann, bad.

You might not care
about Jerry's future, but I do.

Okay? We need to do something
very drastic so he can be happy,

so we can all be happy.

Uh, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Don't know
what you're thinking,

but I'm definitely not thinking

- what you're thinking.
- Good idea, Ann.

Okay, we have a new item
up for bid.

A wonderful surprise item.

An evening with sexy nurse
Ann Perkins.

- No.
- Yes.

Look at her, folks.

One evening with the most
beautiful woman in the world.

Just dinner and dancing,
nothing sexual.

Unless she's into that,
but no, she's not.

Nothing fresh.
Don't even try it.

- But you never know, right?
- No!

No, she's not into it.
Don't try anything,

but, you know, give it a shot.

Either way,
it's for a good cause.

Let's raise some money.

Please, we need to do this

for Jerry and his future.

This could be great, you know?

Three out of four
married couples

have met each other
at spontaneous auctions.

I don't think that's true.

- I d--well, I don't know, I--
- $100.

All right, what the hell.

Okay, we have a $100 bid
for Ann Perkins.

- 200.
- 200. Thank you so much.

200 for the smartest,
most accomplished woman I know.

And check out that bod.

Can I get 3? $300.

500.

Uh-oh.

- $600.
- 700.

- 750.
- $900.

Wow, 900 from the man with
the tank top and the tattoos.

That's so great.
Let's beat that, shall we?

Who wants to beat it?
Anybody beat it please?

I'm sorry, I'm out.

I wouldn't sell her
to that guy, though.

Just one man's opinion.

Okay...

Sir, what would you do
with your $900 date?

How would you, uh, um...
What are you gonna do to her?

I don't know.

My cousin's got a kickass
mud pit in his yard.

She could watch me
do belly flops

then we maybe we could
get some Thai food

and a tank of nitrous
and see what happens.

Oh, that's not as bad
as I thought it would be.

I am going to bid
a million dollars on myself.

Going once, going never, sold.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the auction closes in five minutes.

What up, playboy?

You like that jacket?

It's a pretty dope cut, right?

Yeah.
Can I have it, Mom?

I could wear it to homecoming.

300 bucks for something

you're just gonna grow out of
in a month? Forget it.

Wait, I can rent it to you.

Really?

Yeah, it's part
of a business I run.

High end clothes rentals
for teens, tweens

and everything in betweens.

That jacket is 20 bucks a week.

Done.

This is a great idea.

He grows so fast I never wanna
buy him anything nice.

What's the name
of your business?

Rent-a-swag.

I'm sorry, Jerry, but your
future has been canceled.

We only raised $1,200.

Leslie, thank you.

That is amazing.

No, it stinks.

It's not even close
to what you need.

With all your bills,

and the inevitable
follow-up problems,

and the lifetime of chronic
misery that awaits you.

I mean,
you had this whole plan

for your retirement
and your beach house

and now you're future
is just a huge pile of crap.

Leslie, you can't actually
plan your future.

You know, there's no guarantees
in this world.

As long as the people I love
are a part of my life

I will be just fine.

You wanna stick around?

Watch some of my stories
with me?

Tonight's strawberry
Jell-o night!

Oh, my God, your life
is so depressing.

No thank you.

Never seen anyone
more tortured over good news.

I'm sorry, I don't mean
to seem ungrateful.

I just, you know,
I have a lot to consider.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.

Feelings and girlfriend
and whatever.

The point is just yesterday
you said to me,

"I'm never happier than
when I'm managing a campaign."

I don't think I said that.

You didn't have to.

I watched you in Florida.

You were saying it
with your heart.

Wow, you are
really good at this.

Yes, I am.
I'm amazing.

But more importantly,
so are you.

There aren't a lot of people
that can manage a campaign.

But you, Ben Wyatt,
are one of them.

So, just take tonight and
just think about your future.

Hello, Diane.

I have brought you flowers.

Also chocolates.

And some grout cleaner.

I noticed you needed grout
cleaner, so I brought that too.

Very romantic.

My kids are non-negotiable, Ron.

It's a package deal.

I know.
I'm sorry, Diane. I really am.

I've been alone
most of my life by choice

and kids--

this is all new for me.

But I'd like to become
familiar with it

if you give me a chance
to prove myself.

I did bring the girls
something.

I thought I could
teach 'em to saw.

I now realize
that seems dangerous.

Well, my boyfriend might not
be moving back for a while

so I have to back out.

Just wanted to look
at it one more time.

You know I can't give you
your deposit back.

I know.

- And there's a $300--
- All right, Martha.

I get it.

Actually, is there a way
I could put down, like a--

- Hey.
- Hey.

I didn't know you were
coming back here.

- Oh.
- What are you doing?

Oh, my God, what are you doing?

I'm thinking about my future.

I am deeply,
ridiculously in love with you

and above everything else,
I just--

I wanna be with you forever.

So, Leslie Knope,

- will--
- Wait. Wait.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Just--I need to remember this.
- Sure.

- Gimme a second.
- Okay.

- Leslie K--
- No, no, no, no, hold on.

Just--I need another second,
please.

I need to remember every little
thing about how perfect

my life is right now
at this exact moment.

Okay.

Are you good?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I'm good.

Leslie Knope,

- will you--
- Yes!

- Marry me?
- Oh, yeah.

Okay. Great.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Trick or treat!

It's November 8th.

Yes, well, these girls
didn't get a chance

to go trick or treating

so somewhere in this house

there is some candy.

Why don't you find it and we'll
get right out of your hair.

All right, hold on one second.

- You having fun, ladies?
- Yeah!

All right, I got some,
uh, calcium chews

and, uh, a roll of cookie dough.

Okay, what do you say, girls?

Thank you!

Tremendous.

Appreciate it.

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