All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e05 Halloween Surprise.eng

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,245 --> 00:00:02,280 - Hey. - Hey. 2 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:03,887 Am I interrupting something important? 3 00:00:03,889 --> 00:00:06,940 Impossible. I work for the government. 4 00:00:06,942 --> 00:00:08,608 I just picked up the girls, thought we'd stop by. 5 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,427 How are the girls-- 6 00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:12,529 Yes, they are. 7 00:00:12,531 --> 00:00:14,030 Hello, girls. 8 00:00:14,032 --> 00:00:16,733 Diane and I have been seeing a lot of each other, recently. 9 00:00:16,735 --> 00:00:19,602 She is a sharp, confident, strong woman. 10 00:00:19,835 --> 00:00:21,402 Her children are loud. 11 00:00:23,435 --> 00:00:25,402 Kung fu! 12 00:00:25,403 --> 00:00:26,870 Here comes trouble! 13 00:00:31,076 --> 00:00:32,542 This is fun. 14 00:00:32,544 --> 00:00:33,626 Easy, girls. 15 00:00:33,628 --> 00:00:34,961 We'll be careful, Miss Lewis. 16 00:00:34,963 --> 00:00:36,296 Ow! 17 00:00:36,298 --> 00:00:37,430 I'm sorry. 18 00:00:37,432 --> 00:00:38,715 I've got it. 19 00:00:38,717 --> 00:00:40,016 We just wanted to invite you 20 00:00:40,018 --> 00:00:41,468 to come trick or treating tonight. 21 00:00:41,470 --> 00:00:42,886 I think I'm a little old. 22 00:00:42,888 --> 00:00:44,104 Can we go, Ron, please? 23 00:00:44,106 --> 00:00:46,473 - Please? - You can come, sure. 24 00:00:46,475 --> 00:00:48,441 We have to go by 7:00 or else the good candy will be gone. 25 00:00:48,443 --> 00:00:49,776 Sounds perfect. 26 00:00:50,779 --> 00:00:52,428 Come on, girls. 27 00:00:53,431 --> 00:00:54,814 Bye, guys! 28 00:00:54,816 --> 00:00:56,116 See you later, Ron! 29 00:00:56,118 --> 00:00:59,536 See you tonight! 30 00:00:59,538 --> 00:01:01,104 What the hell just happened? 31 00:01:02,107 --> 00:01:07,707 32 00:01:22,209 --> 00:01:26,396 So, three bedrooms, two baths, nice big backyard. 33 00:01:26,398 --> 00:01:28,431 But no trampoline room, correct? 34 00:01:28,433 --> 00:01:29,683 Correct. 35 00:01:29,685 --> 00:01:31,234 Like all houses in the world, 36 00:01:31,236 --> 00:01:34,104 - there's no trampoline room. - Mm. 37 00:01:34,106 --> 00:01:36,773 Ben is coming back from D.C. in ten days 38 00:01:36,775 --> 00:01:38,742 and he we are moving into a house together. 39 00:01:38,744 --> 00:01:40,110 He would move into my place, 40 00:01:40,112 --> 00:01:42,579 but it's a scary nightmare hoarder nest. 41 00:01:42,581 --> 00:01:44,564 His words. And Ann's. 42 00:01:44,566 --> 00:01:47,233 And the official report filed by the Health Department. 43 00:01:47,235 --> 00:01:50,370 I'm just so happy that Ben and I are starting our life together 44 00:01:50,372 --> 00:01:54,374 and my future's finally back on track. 45 00:01:54,376 --> 00:01:55,926 Martha, I wanna lease this house. 46 00:01:55,928 --> 00:01:58,411 Great. 47 00:01:58,413 --> 00:01:59,846 Thought it was gonna be more dramatic than that. 48 00:01:59,848 --> 00:02:00,881 Hold on. 49 00:02:00,883 --> 00:02:02,933 Okay, say it again. 50 00:02:02,935 --> 00:02:05,719 Martha, I wanna lease this house. 51 00:02:09,424 --> 00:02:12,442 Whoo! 52 00:02:15,979 --> 00:02:16,646 Parks Department! 53 00:02:16,648 --> 00:02:18,949 Chris Traeger, city manager, friend, 54 00:02:18,951 --> 00:02:21,601 aspiring life coach and recipient 55 00:02:21,603 --> 00:02:24,988 of Dr. Richard Nygard's award for Most Improved Patient 56 00:02:24,990 --> 00:02:26,573 for my psychotherapy sessions. 57 00:02:26,575 --> 00:02:28,325 Wow, that's great, Chris. Congrats. 58 00:02:28,327 --> 00:02:29,326 Thanks, Jerry. 59 00:02:29,328 --> 00:02:31,244 It's just a piece of paper 60 00:02:31,246 --> 00:02:34,464 and he only made it for me after I specifically asked for it 61 00:02:34,466 --> 00:02:37,467 while crying loudly, but... 62 00:02:37,469 --> 00:02:39,920 It sure meant a lot to receive it. 63 00:02:39,922 --> 00:02:42,088 In honor of Halloween, the city manager's office 64 00:02:42,090 --> 00:02:44,591 will be throwing a scary movie night in the courtyard. 65 00:02:44,593 --> 00:02:48,261 Tonight's film is the 1986 horror camp classic, 66 00:02:48,263 --> 00:02:51,348 - - Murder At Blood Lake. 67 00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:53,633 Seriously? That's the best one! 68 00:02:53,635 --> 00:02:56,853 I hope no one minds if I live tweet this bitch. 69 00:02:56,855 --> 00:02:58,304 I am coming dressed as my greatest fear, 70 00:02:58,306 --> 00:03:01,408 because Dr. Richard Nygard feels that I should face my fears 71 00:03:01,410 --> 00:03:02,692 instead of running from them. 72 00:03:02,694 --> 00:03:04,995 He's very wise. I see him five times a week. 73 00:03:04,997 --> 00:03:08,031 He holds my life in his hand like a fragile little bird. 74 00:03:10,033 --> 00:03:10,834 See you tonight! 75 00:03:11,586 --> 00:03:14,504 Well, Congressman Murray has an 18 point lead. 76 00:03:14,506 --> 00:03:18,324 Calloway is out of money and has stopped campaigning. 77 00:03:18,326 --> 00:03:19,376 So, congratulations! 78 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,847 - Great work, all of you! - Yeah. 79 00:03:23,849 --> 00:03:26,600 - But especially me! - Especially everyone. 80 00:03:26,602 --> 00:03:28,001 This was a team effort, really. 81 00:03:28,003 --> 00:03:29,803 But I was the best. Thank you. 82 00:03:29,805 --> 00:03:31,221 You were all fantastic. 83 00:03:31,223 --> 00:03:33,023 Most of all me, April Ludgate, the real hero. 84 00:03:33,025 --> 00:03:34,524 Thank you and you're welcome. 85 00:03:34,526 --> 00:03:35,942 Actually, April, if you want, 86 00:03:35,944 --> 00:03:37,343 you can head back to Pawnee early. 87 00:03:37,345 --> 00:03:39,029 - Wrap a few things up and-- - Great. 88 00:03:39,031 --> 00:03:40,196 Whoo! 89 00:03:40,198 --> 00:03:41,398 That's an exit. 90 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:42,849 Gone, but never forgotten. 91 00:03:42,851 --> 00:03:45,318 Who was that? I'm just kidding. 92 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:46,620 Not bad, right? 93 00:03:46,622 --> 00:03:48,121 You know, I have to say, Murray really came through-- 94 00:03:48,123 --> 00:03:49,706 Yeah, yeah, this one's over. We won. Great job. 95 00:03:49,708 --> 00:03:52,042 Blah blah blah. 96 00:03:52,044 --> 00:03:53,359 Let's talk about what you're gonna do next. 97 00:03:53,861 --> 00:03:56,029 Oh, well, I was gonna get a chicken parm 98 00:03:56,031 --> 00:03:58,048 - and watch Bladerunner. - Mm. 99 00:03:58,050 --> 00:04:01,367 Oh, are you talking about, like, job-wise? 100 00:04:01,369 --> 00:04:05,422 Yes, Ben, I am talking about, like, job-wise. 101 00:04:07,092 --> 00:04:09,059 So you're a princess too, hey? 102 00:04:09,061 --> 00:04:12,211 Oh, for the last four years everything has been princesses. 103 00:04:12,213 --> 00:04:15,682 Every book, every movie, every backpack. 104 00:04:15,684 --> 00:04:16,900 All princesses all the time. 105 00:04:16,902 --> 00:04:19,853 - Oh, that sounds fun. - It's a nightmare. 106 00:04:19,855 --> 00:04:22,405 Excuse me, I just have to file a quick report. 107 00:04:22,407 --> 00:04:24,190 I'm applying to the police academy soon 108 00:04:24,192 --> 00:04:27,610 and the manual says I have to work on my observation skills 109 00:04:27,612 --> 00:04:34,901 so...Tree, leaves, night, sky, hand. Andy's hand. 110 00:04:34,903 --> 00:04:37,203 Pfft. What else you got? 111 00:04:37,205 --> 00:04:40,090 Oh, no. Vice principal emergency. 112 00:04:40,092 --> 00:04:42,208 - What is it? - I have to leave. 113 00:04:42,210 --> 00:04:46,212 Some idiot kids were caught pooping on the soccer field? 114 00:04:46,214 --> 00:04:47,430 Oh, too bad. 115 00:04:47,432 --> 00:04:48,598 Guess trick or treating's over. 116 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,884 - No, Mommy, no! - I'm sorry. 117 00:04:50,886 --> 00:04:52,519 No, we can walk 'em around, it's no problem. 118 00:04:52,521 --> 00:04:53,586 I mean, we just got started. 119 00:04:53,588 --> 00:04:56,473 Oh, that's so sweet of you. 120 00:04:56,475 --> 00:04:58,558 Now, ladies, Princess Mommy 121 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,226 has to go take care of some bad guys, 122 00:05:00,228 --> 00:05:04,814 so you be nice to Ron and Andy, okay? 123 00:05:04,816 --> 00:05:07,567 Okay, let's go to the next house. 124 00:05:07,569 --> 00:05:10,320 I need to go to the bathroom. 125 00:05:10,322 --> 00:05:14,574 I-I have no idea what to do about that. 126 00:05:14,576 --> 00:05:16,276 Uh-oh. 127 00:05:16,278 --> 00:05:17,994 It's the death canoe. 128 00:05:17,996 --> 00:05:19,946 Get your foot out the water, dumb-ass! 129 00:05:19,948 --> 00:05:21,631 It's blood lake. 130 00:05:21,633 --> 00:05:23,967 Now, I missed the first three Death Canoe films. 131 00:05:23,969 --> 00:05:26,052 Why exactly is it a death canoe? 132 00:05:26,054 --> 00:05:28,254 - Does it tip over easily? - Read my Twitter feed. 133 00:05:28,256 --> 00:05:30,790 I live tweeted the first three this morning in preparation. 134 00:05:30,792 --> 00:05:34,427 In the fifth one, the canoe's actually the hero. 135 00:05:34,429 --> 00:05:36,012 It's a crazy twist. 136 00:05:36,014 --> 00:05:37,597 - Hey. - Hey. 137 00:05:37,599 --> 00:05:39,132 - You're the, uh-- - The lady and you're the-- 138 00:05:39,134 --> 00:05:41,101 - USA! - Cool. Great. 139 00:05:41,103 --> 00:05:43,319 So hold on, what does this mean? 140 00:05:43,321 --> 00:05:45,655 It means Jen wants me to keep working for her. 141 00:05:45,657 --> 00:05:50,493 There's a businessman in Florida who wants to run for governor. 142 00:05:50,495 --> 00:05:51,811 Florida? They have sharks in Florida. 143 00:05:51,813 --> 00:05:53,363 And swamps. And swamp sharks. 144 00:05:53,365 --> 00:05:54,480 Do you mean alligators? 145 00:05:54,482 --> 00:05:56,366 Maybe. Look, so are you gonna do it? 146 00:05:56,368 --> 00:05:58,201 I--I mean, I just applied for a lease. 147 00:05:58,203 --> 00:05:59,953 - We were supposed to-- - I know, 148 00:05:59,955 --> 00:06:02,672 and I know this makes the future a little murky, 149 00:06:02,674 --> 00:06:05,675 but right now everything's really preliminary, okay? 150 00:06:05,677 --> 00:06:07,961 We'll know more in a week or so. 151 00:06:07,963 --> 00:06:11,381 Trick or treat! 152 00:06:11,383 --> 00:06:14,184 7:34 pm. Man dressed as a nerd. 153 00:06:14,186 --> 00:06:15,334 Female dressed as crazy witch. 154 00:06:16,186 --> 00:06:17,554 Neither of us is in costume. 155 00:06:18,556 --> 00:06:20,840 Case closed. Candy, please. 156 00:06:20,842 --> 00:06:23,860 Ron, Zoe broke my tiara! 157 00:06:23,862 --> 00:06:25,478 We both have the same tiara. 158 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,313 Now she has one and I don't. 159 00:06:27,315 --> 00:06:29,348 - Okay. - I didn't mean to, Ivy! 160 00:06:29,350 --> 00:06:31,736 Okay, well, let's just even things out. 161 00:06:33,238 --> 00:06:36,372 There. Now neither of you has a tiara. Problem solved. 162 00:06:41,744 --> 00:06:43,913 - Oh! - Right in his face! 163 00:06:43,915 --> 00:06:47,250 "Sorry about your jaw, son." 164 00:06:47,252 --> 00:06:48,885 I mean, I just feel so powerless. 165 00:06:48,887 --> 00:06:51,704 Just when things start to turn around and they fall apart. 166 00:06:51,706 --> 00:06:54,591 Now I know exactly how FDR felt after Pearl Harbor. 167 00:06:54,593 --> 00:06:56,559 Look, you guys have survived this long. 168 00:06:56,561 --> 00:06:58,377 Please don't let this ruin your night. 169 00:06:58,379 --> 00:06:59,429 Let's have fun. 170 00:06:59,431 --> 00:07:00,713 It's Halloween. You love Halloween. 171 00:07:01,715 --> 00:07:03,883 Hey, I know what would cheer you up. 172 00:07:03,885 --> 00:07:05,602 Let's go wait outside the bathroom for Tom 173 00:07:05,604 --> 00:07:07,153 and scare him. 174 00:07:07,155 --> 00:07:08,721 That would cheer me up. 175 00:07:10,725 --> 00:07:12,492 Okay. 176 00:07:12,494 --> 00:07:14,060 Ready and... 177 00:07:15,062 --> 00:07:16,029 Boo! 178 00:07:19,899 --> 00:07:21,117 Jerry, God. Gross. 179 00:07:21,119 --> 00:07:23,253 Oh... 180 00:07:23,255 --> 00:07:24,704 Jerry? 181 00:07:24,706 --> 00:07:26,789 Guys, I-- 182 00:07:26,791 --> 00:07:28,374 Oh, God, I think he might be having a heart attack. 183 00:07:28,376 --> 00:07:31,044 What? Are you serious? 184 00:07:31,046 --> 00:07:32,095 Ugh. So much stuff is happening right now. 185 00:07:32,097 --> 00:07:33,930 - Okay, call 911. - Okay. 186 00:07:33,932 --> 00:07:35,882 Just breathe, okay? You're gonna be fine. 187 00:07:35,884 --> 00:07:37,967 Oh, geez! Did a dinosaur just fart? 188 00:07:37,969 --> 00:07:39,219 Jerry, get a grip. 189 00:07:39,221 --> 00:07:40,436 Sorry, guys. 190 00:07:40,438 --> 00:07:41,938 Ugh! Apology not accepted. 191 00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:43,139 Stop talking, moron. 192 00:07:43,141 --> 00:07:44,590 I wish I could stop smelling. 193 00:07:44,592 --> 00:07:46,109 Dude. 194 00:07:46,111 --> 00:07:48,811 Seriously, Jerry, did you eat farts for lunch? 195 00:07:48,813 --> 00:07:50,113 Tom! Jerry's having a heart attack. 196 00:07:50,115 --> 00:07:51,114 Oh, no, I didn't know that. 197 00:07:51,116 --> 00:07:53,149 Jerry, you okay? 198 00:07:55,252 --> 00:07:57,641 Okay, I've got some magazines 199 00:07:57,642 --> 00:07:59,843 and those boring word jumbles you like to do. 200 00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:00,927 Is there anything else you need, J? 201 00:08:00,929 --> 00:08:02,178 Maybe some Gas-X? 202 00:08:02,180 --> 00:08:03,930 Ha ha, Tom. 203 00:08:03,932 --> 00:08:05,515 How is he, Ann? Give it to me straight. 204 00:08:05,517 --> 00:08:06,533 He's great. 205 00:08:06,535 --> 00:08:08,101 He should be out of here in a day or two. 206 00:08:08,103 --> 00:08:09,269 Doctor, medically speaking, 207 00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:10,487 how would you describe what happened to Jerry? 208 00:08:10,489 --> 00:08:11,988 He had a mild heart attack. 209 00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:17,310 Yeah, but he also exhibited excessive flatulence. 210 00:08:17,312 --> 00:08:19,329 Is there a term for having a heart attack 211 00:08:19,331 --> 00:08:21,364 while releasing so much gas? 212 00:08:21,366 --> 00:08:22,866 Not really. 213 00:08:22,868 --> 00:08:25,818 Gastrointestinal distress is common during a cardiac event. 214 00:08:25,820 --> 00:08:27,253 I just want to hear the doctor 215 00:08:27,255 --> 00:08:28,654 say that Jerry had a fart attack. 216 00:08:28,656 --> 00:08:30,123 Is that too much to ask? 217 00:08:30,125 --> 00:08:31,841 Thank you so much. 218 00:08:31,843 --> 00:08:34,677 Look at all the balloons and the flowers and the food and-- 219 00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:37,213 my goodness, you're so sweet to come visit this often. 220 00:08:37,215 --> 00:08:38,965 - Well, they did cause it. - Hey. 221 00:08:38,967 --> 00:08:39,999 No. That's okay. 222 00:08:40,001 --> 00:08:41,718 I'm glad this happened. 223 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,470 I mean, I could do without the mess of hospital bills, 224 00:08:43,472 --> 00:08:45,271 but no, this was a wakeup call. 225 00:08:45,273 --> 00:08:47,357 I'm gonna make some changes. 226 00:08:47,359 --> 00:08:49,893 I want at least another 30 years with Gayle and my girls. 227 00:08:49,895 --> 00:08:51,394 Don't worry, Jerry, okay? 228 00:08:51,396 --> 00:08:54,397 You are gonna have the future that you've always planned. 229 00:08:54,399 --> 00:08:56,366 Just leave it to us. 230 00:08:56,868 --> 00:08:59,486 Okay, so I have arranged for the Parks Department 231 00:08:59,488 --> 00:09:02,355 to throw a huge garage sale fundraiser for Jerry 232 00:09:02,357 --> 00:09:04,023 to help pay for his hospital bills. 233 00:09:04,025 --> 00:09:05,742 The Pawnee municipal employee health care plan 234 00:09:05,744 --> 00:09:06,910 is kinda crappy. 235 00:09:06,912 --> 00:09:08,328 One time I sprained my wrist 236 00:09:08,330 --> 00:09:10,530 and our insurance claimed that having a wrist 237 00:09:10,532 --> 00:09:12,215 was a pre-existing condition. 238 00:09:12,717 --> 00:09:14,417 Babe, how much should I sell this hat for? 239 00:09:14,419 --> 00:09:16,202 I don't know, eight cents? 240 00:09:16,204 --> 00:09:17,554 Honey, this is the hat I was wearing 241 00:09:17,556 --> 00:09:20,039 the first time I ever heard Vitalogy by Pearl Jam. 242 00:09:20,041 --> 00:09:21,674 Oh, $900. 243 00:09:21,676 --> 00:09:23,709 Yeah, that sounds about right. 244 00:09:23,711 --> 00:09:25,545 Ron, you're not selling anything? 245 00:09:25,547 --> 00:09:27,880 I am selling this table. 246 00:09:27,882 --> 00:09:30,216 I made it. 247 00:09:30,218 --> 00:09:31,651 So when am I gonna meet your new lover? 248 00:09:31,653 --> 00:09:34,220 I'm afraid things have hit a rough patch with Diane. 249 00:09:34,222 --> 00:09:36,739 She was not pleased with my babysitting performance 250 00:09:36,741 --> 00:09:39,275 and left me a very loud message on my cell phone. 251 00:09:39,277 --> 00:09:41,161 I'm sure she'll get over it 252 00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:43,229 if you just say you're sorry though. 253 00:09:43,231 --> 00:09:45,532 I like Diane, but I'm not sure 254 00:09:45,534 --> 00:09:48,067 if I'm ready for a whole family. 255 00:09:48,069 --> 00:09:50,236 If the kids ever wanted to come to my place, 256 00:09:50,238 --> 00:09:52,222 I'd have to take a whole week off work 257 00:09:52,224 --> 00:09:54,757 just to undo the alarms and tripwires. 258 00:09:54,759 --> 00:09:57,093 Hey, that's my name. 259 00:09:57,095 --> 00:09:58,795 Yeah, that's my Chris Traeger box. 260 00:09:58,797 --> 00:10:00,797 All these boxes represent stuff 261 00:10:00,799 --> 00:10:02,748 from different eras of ex-boyfriends. 262 00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:05,685 Oh...Here are those ankle weights I bought you 263 00:10:05,687 --> 00:10:06,919 that you liked so much. 264 00:10:06,921 --> 00:10:08,605 Recently Leslie pointed out 265 00:10:08,607 --> 00:10:10,523 that sometimes when I date someone, 266 00:10:10,525 --> 00:10:14,477 I kind of adopt that person's personality. 267 00:10:14,479 --> 00:10:16,229 The evidence is fairly damning. 268 00:10:16,231 --> 00:10:18,648 Chris Traeger-- exercise phase. 269 00:10:18,650 --> 00:10:21,067 Andy Dwyer-- my grunge phase. 270 00:10:21,069 --> 00:10:23,870 Tom Haverford-- my needless shopping phase. 271 00:10:23,872 --> 00:10:25,288 Also my credit card debt phase. 272 00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:26,990 Ann Perkins. 273 00:10:26,992 --> 00:10:29,292 Thank you so much for coming. Good afternoon. 274 00:10:29,294 --> 00:10:32,245 As many of your know, Jerry Gergich, our friend, 275 00:10:32,247 --> 00:10:34,414 has suffered a devastating fart attack, 276 00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:35,999 and we are here to help. 277 00:10:36,001 --> 00:10:38,384 So there are some special auction items 278 00:10:38,386 --> 00:10:39,969 I will be dealing with. 279 00:10:39,971 --> 00:10:42,222 The first item up for bid is an inscribed autobiography 280 00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:44,224 from Pawnee newscaster Perd Hapley. 281 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:47,644 The book's entitled The Thing About Me Is I'm Perd Hapley. 282 00:10:47,646 --> 00:10:50,763 Anyway, let's start the bidding at $20. $20. 283 00:10:50,765 --> 00:10:52,599 Thank you sir, for 20. Do I see 30? 284 00:10:53,601 --> 00:10:56,019 Mr. Kurtzwilder, it might be helpful if you told us 285 00:10:56,021 --> 00:10:59,672 why you want to be governor of Florida. 286 00:10:59,674 --> 00:11:00,857 Well, I guess you could say 287 00:11:00,859 --> 00:11:03,159 mine is the classic Florida success story. 288 00:11:03,161 --> 00:11:04,777 I went to SFU law school, 289 00:11:04,779 --> 00:11:07,497 I was working at a small firm in Orlando, 290 00:11:07,499 --> 00:11:10,333 and one day, bam, just like that, gator eats penis. 291 00:11:10,335 --> 00:11:11,817 Excuse me? 292 00:11:11,819 --> 00:11:13,253 Well, that was my first high profile case. 293 00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:14,671 It was a classic Florida divorce. 294 00:11:14,673 --> 00:11:17,490 Guy cheats on his wife with Dan Marino's masseuse, 295 00:11:17,492 --> 00:11:20,009 one day she cuts his junk off, throws it in the Everglades. 296 00:11:20,011 --> 00:11:22,095 - Why not? - Damn alligator ate it. 297 00:11:22,097 --> 00:11:24,881 And that case, that case made my career. 298 00:11:24,883 --> 00:11:27,634 Now, I just wanna give something back. 299 00:11:27,636 --> 00:11:30,520 Frankly, your path to victory is narrow. 300 00:11:30,522 --> 00:11:32,555 Governor Scott might be vulnerable, 301 00:11:32,557 --> 00:11:35,441 but you have very little name recognition. 302 00:11:35,443 --> 00:11:38,444 But the Barkley Group is the best at what we do. 303 00:11:38,446 --> 00:11:41,698 We're not in the business of losing elections. 304 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,984 We can get you where you wanna go. 305 00:11:46,820 --> 00:11:48,204 I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" 306 00:11:48,206 --> 00:11:49,989 on all those Death Canoe tweets. 307 00:11:49,991 --> 00:11:51,357 Also, not safe for work. 308 00:11:51,359 --> 00:11:53,910 You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane. 309 00:11:53,912 --> 00:11:55,828 That movie's 25 years old, Morris. 310 00:11:55,830 --> 00:11:58,331 And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me. 311 00:11:58,333 --> 00:11:59,882 What are you doing now? I'm talking to you. 312 00:11:59,884 --> 00:12:02,719 I'm live tweeting this dumb-ass conversation. 313 00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,420 - You like that coat? - Yeah. 314 00:12:04,422 --> 00:12:06,872 But $200? It's used. 315 00:12:06,874 --> 00:12:10,259 I paid 150 for it, then added the scorpion. 316 00:12:10,261 --> 00:12:11,394 You can't sell clothes at a tag sale 317 00:12:11,396 --> 00:12:12,729 for more than they're worth. 318 00:12:12,731 --> 00:12:14,097 Um, watch me. 319 00:12:16,401 --> 00:12:17,567 Got a minute? 320 00:12:17,569 --> 00:12:18,568 Sure. 321 00:12:18,570 --> 00:12:20,553 I-I didn't expect to see you 322 00:12:20,555 --> 00:12:23,439 after the...yelling that occurred. 323 00:12:23,441 --> 00:12:24,724 Yeah, I was a bit stressed, 324 00:12:24,726 --> 00:12:27,026 but I'm not here to make excuses. 325 00:12:27,028 --> 00:12:30,747 I just wanted to say that I am sorry for the way I reacted. 326 00:12:30,749 --> 00:12:33,032 Apology accepted. 327 00:12:34,034 --> 00:12:35,901 Do you wanna say anything to me? 328 00:12:36,153 --> 00:12:38,538 Oh. Yes. 329 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,957 You look nice today. 330 00:12:42,459 --> 00:12:44,093 You broke my daughter's tiara. 331 00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,095 You ruined their Halloween. 332 00:12:46,097 --> 00:12:48,634 Don't you feel a little bit bad about that? 333 00:12:51,636 --> 00:12:53,269 - Okay-- - Um. 334 00:12:53,771 --> 00:12:55,304 Too late. 335 00:12:55,306 --> 00:12:59,108 Good-bye. 336 00:12:59,110 --> 00:13:00,643 Dude, you're totally blowing this. 337 00:13:00,645 --> 00:13:03,312 I'm not gonna apologize. 338 00:13:03,314 --> 00:13:05,898 It wasn't even a real tiara, for God's sake. 339 00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:08,601 Oh, well, relationship over. Too bad. 340 00:13:08,603 --> 00:13:10,436 Oh, my God, you are so sad. 341 00:13:10,438 --> 00:13:13,272 - I am not. - Ron, she's right. 342 00:13:13,274 --> 00:13:15,291 I've trained extensively in the art of observation. 343 00:13:15,293 --> 00:13:17,744 You are sad, and we know why. 344 00:13:17,746 --> 00:13:19,746 You didn't sell you table. 345 00:13:19,748 --> 00:13:22,582 And it's probably a little too expensive. 346 00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:24,917 Shh. No. 347 00:13:24,919 --> 00:13:26,952 Okay, this is our final auction item. 348 00:13:26,954 --> 00:13:28,788 It's a one-of-a-kind autograph 349 00:13:28,790 --> 00:13:31,758 from mayor Gunderson's dog, Rufus. 350 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,292 Yeah, we need some big bids-- 351 00:13:33,294 --> 00:13:34,960 Oh, excuse me one second. 352 00:13:34,962 --> 00:13:37,463 Um, can you--t--just--okay. 353 00:13:37,465 --> 00:13:39,766 Hey, how was the meeting? 354 00:13:39,768 --> 00:13:44,136 Kurtzwilder wants me to run his campaign from Florida. 355 00:13:44,138 --> 00:13:47,640 I'm not exactly sure when the job would even starts, 356 00:13:47,642 --> 00:13:49,975 but it would probably mean putting our plans on hold. 357 00:13:49,977 --> 00:13:51,310 Well, I mean, you know, 358 00:13:51,312 --> 00:13:53,312 obviously you gotta take it, right? 359 00:13:53,314 --> 00:13:54,814 No, I mean, I'm not making any decisions 360 00:13:54,816 --> 00:13:56,949 until we talk about this and everything it would mean. 361 00:13:56,951 --> 00:13:58,984 Look, I'm flying back to Washington. 362 00:13:58,986 --> 00:14:00,203 I'll call you when I get there. Okay? 363 00:14:00,205 --> 00:14:01,654 Yeah, okay. 364 00:14:01,656 --> 00:14:03,656 - Love ya. - Love you, too. 365 00:14:03,658 --> 00:14:06,793 $55. Great. Okay, come on, $60? 366 00:14:06,795 --> 00:14:08,177 $65 anybody? 367 00:14:08,179 --> 00:14:10,513 Hey, we're up to $60, not bad, right? 368 00:14:10,515 --> 00:14:11,831 Yes, Ann, bad. 369 00:14:11,833 --> 00:14:13,999 You might not care about Jerry's future, but I do. 370 00:14:14,001 --> 00:14:16,636 Okay? We need to do something very drastic so he can be happy, 371 00:14:16,638 --> 00:14:19,222 so we can all be happy. 372 00:14:19,224 --> 00:14:20,556 Uh, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 373 00:14:20,558 --> 00:14:21,607 Don't know what you're thinking, 374 00:14:21,609 --> 00:14:22,809 but I'm definitely not thinking 375 00:14:22,811 --> 00:14:24,227 - what you're thinking. - Good idea, Ann. 376 00:14:24,229 --> 00:14:26,679 Okay, we have a new item up for bid. 377 00:14:26,681 --> 00:14:28,781 A wonderful surprise item. 378 00:14:28,783 --> 00:14:31,868 An evening with sexy nurse Ann Perkins. 379 00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:33,402 - No. - Yes. 380 00:14:33,404 --> 00:14:35,521 Look at her, folks. 381 00:14:35,523 --> 00:14:36,956 One evening with the most beautiful woman in the world. 382 00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:38,541 Just dinner and dancing, nothing sexual. 383 00:14:38,543 --> 00:14:40,743 Unless she's into that, but no, she's not. 384 00:14:40,745 --> 00:14:41,994 Nothing fresh. Don't even try it. 385 00:14:41,996 --> 00:14:43,379 - But you never know, right? - No! 386 00:14:43,381 --> 00:14:44,831 No, she's not into it. Don't try anything, 387 00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:45,965 but, you know, give it a shot. 388 00:14:45,967 --> 00:14:47,366 Either way, it's for a good cause. 389 00:14:47,368 --> 00:14:50,169 Let's raise some money. 390 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,459 Please, we need to do this 391 00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:54,793 for Jerry and his future. 392 00:14:54,795 --> 00:14:56,095 This could be great, you know? 393 00:14:56,097 --> 00:14:57,513 Three out of four married couples 394 00:14:57,515 --> 00:14:59,048 have met each other at spontaneous auctions. 395 00:14:59,050 --> 00:15:00,466 I don't think that's true. 396 00:15:00,468 --> 00:15:04,203 - I d--well, I don't know, I-- - $100. 397 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,939 All right, what the hell. 398 00:15:06,941 --> 00:15:09,108 Okay, we have a $100 bid for Ann Perkins. 399 00:15:09,110 --> 00:15:11,193 - 200. - 200. Thank you so much. 400 00:15:11,195 --> 00:15:13,345 200 for the smartest, most accomplished woman I know. 401 00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:14,480 And check out that bod. 402 00:15:14,482 --> 00:15:15,514 Can I get 3? $300. 403 00:15:15,516 --> 00:15:17,349 500. 404 00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:18,650 Uh-oh. 405 00:15:18,652 --> 00:15:20,152 - $600. - 700. 406 00:15:20,154 --> 00:15:22,571 - 750. - $900. 407 00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:26,075 Wow, 900 from the man with the tank top and the tattoos. 408 00:15:26,077 --> 00:15:27,493 That's so great. Let's beat that, shall we? 409 00:15:27,495 --> 00:15:29,795 Who wants to beat it? Anybody beat it please? 410 00:15:29,797 --> 00:15:30,996 I'm sorry, I'm out. 411 00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:32,414 I wouldn't sell her to that guy, though. 412 00:15:32,416 --> 00:15:33,549 Just one man's opinion. 413 00:15:33,551 --> 00:15:34,717 Okay... 414 00:15:34,719 --> 00:15:38,337 Sir, what would you do with your $900 date? 415 00:15:38,339 --> 00:15:43,509 How would you, uh, um... What are you gonna do to her? 416 00:15:43,511 --> 00:15:44,810 I don't know. 417 00:15:44,812 --> 00:15:46,812 My cousin's got a kickass mud pit in his yard. 418 00:15:46,814 --> 00:15:48,013 She could watch me do belly flops 419 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,732 then we maybe we could get some Thai food 420 00:15:49,734 --> 00:15:52,017 and a tank of nitrous and see what happens. 421 00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:54,719 Oh, that's not as bad as I thought it would be. 422 00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:56,739 I am going to bid a million dollars on myself. 423 00:15:56,741 --> 00:15:58,776 Going once, going never, sold. 424 00:16:00,912 --> 00:16:02,911 Ladies and gentlemen, the auction closes in five minutes. 425 00:16:02,912 --> 00:16:04,413 What up, playboy? 426 00:16:04,915 --> 00:16:06,081 You like that jacket? 427 00:16:06,083 --> 00:16:07,616 It's a pretty dope cut, right? 428 00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,334 Yeah. Can I have it, Mom? 429 00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:10,536 I could wear it to homecoming. 430 00:16:10,538 --> 00:16:11,920 300 bucks for something 431 00:16:11,922 --> 00:16:14,790 you're just gonna grow out of in a month? Forget it. 432 00:16:14,792 --> 00:16:17,092 Wait, I can rent it to you. 433 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:18,877 Really? 434 00:16:18,879 --> 00:16:21,430 Yeah, it's part of a business I run. 435 00:16:21,432 --> 00:16:23,549 High end clothes rentals for teens, tweens 436 00:16:23,551 --> 00:16:25,050 and everything in betweens. 437 00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:27,219 That jacket is 20 bucks a week. 438 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:28,920 Done. 439 00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:30,606 This is a great idea. 440 00:16:30,608 --> 00:16:32,724 He grows so fast I never wanna buy him anything nice. 441 00:16:32,726 --> 00:16:34,893 What's the name of your business? 442 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,645 Rent-a-swag. 443 00:16:37,147 --> 00:16:39,815 I'm sorry, Jerry, but your future has been canceled. 444 00:16:39,817 --> 00:16:41,600 We only raised $1,200. 445 00:16:41,602 --> 00:16:43,452 Leslie, thank you. 446 00:16:43,454 --> 00:16:44,953 That is amazing. 447 00:16:44,955 --> 00:16:46,121 No, it stinks. 448 00:16:46,123 --> 00:16:47,823 It's not even close to what you need. 449 00:16:47,825 --> 00:16:49,792 With all your bills, 450 00:16:49,794 --> 00:16:51,543 and the inevitable follow-up problems, 451 00:16:51,545 --> 00:16:53,996 and the lifetime of chronic misery that awaits you. 452 00:16:53,998 --> 00:16:55,581 I mean, you had this whole plan 453 00:16:55,583 --> 00:16:57,749 for your retirement and your beach house 454 00:16:57,751 --> 00:17:01,804 and now you're future is just a huge pile of crap. 455 00:17:01,806 --> 00:17:04,089 Leslie, you can't actually plan your future. 456 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,924 You know, there's no guarantees in this world. 457 00:17:05,926 --> 00:17:09,127 As long as the people I love are a part of my life 458 00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:11,597 I will be just fine. 459 00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:14,183 You wanna stick around? 460 00:17:14,185 --> 00:17:15,484 Watch some of my stories with me? 461 00:17:15,486 --> 00:17:18,320 Tonight's strawberry Jell-o night! 462 00:17:18,322 --> 00:17:20,656 Oh, my God, your life is so depressing. 463 00:17:20,658 --> 00:17:22,774 No thank you. 464 00:17:24,662 --> 00:17:28,113 Never seen anyone more tortured over good news. 465 00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:30,032 I'm sorry, I don't mean to seem ungrateful. 466 00:17:30,034 --> 00:17:32,451 I just, you know, I have a lot to consider. 467 00:17:32,453 --> 00:17:33,502 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. 468 00:17:33,504 --> 00:17:34,986 Feelings and girlfriend and whatever. 469 00:17:34,988 --> 00:17:37,989 The point is just yesterday you said to me, 470 00:17:37,991 --> 00:17:41,126 "I'm never happier than when I'm managing a campaign." 471 00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:42,461 I don't think I said that. 472 00:17:42,463 --> 00:17:43,662 You didn't have to. 473 00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:45,180 I watched you in Florida. 474 00:17:45,182 --> 00:17:46,715 You were saying it with your heart. 475 00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:48,634 Wow, you are really good at this. 476 00:17:48,636 --> 00:17:50,385 Yes, I am. I'm amazing. 477 00:17:50,387 --> 00:17:52,804 But more importantly, so are you. 478 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,174 There aren't a lot of people that can manage a campaign. 479 00:17:56,676 --> 00:18:02,564 But you, Ben Wyatt, are one of them. 480 00:18:02,566 --> 00:18:06,151 So, just take tonight and just think about your future. 481 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,526 Hello, Diane. 482 00:18:14,528 --> 00:18:17,796 I have brought you flowers. 483 00:18:17,798 --> 00:18:20,832 Also chocolates. 484 00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,334 And some grout cleaner. 485 00:18:22,336 --> 00:18:24,703 I noticed you needed grout cleaner, so I brought that too. 486 00:18:24,705 --> 00:18:27,673 Very romantic. 487 00:18:27,675 --> 00:18:29,975 My kids are non-negotiable, Ron. 488 00:18:29,977 --> 00:18:32,227 It's a package deal. 489 00:18:32,229 --> 00:18:36,732 I know. I'm sorry, Diane. I really am. 490 00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:39,401 I've been alone most of my life by choice 491 00:18:39,403 --> 00:18:41,937 and kids-- 492 00:18:41,939 --> 00:18:45,107 this is all new for me. 493 00:18:45,109 --> 00:18:47,109 But I'd like to become familiar with it 494 00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:50,445 if you give me a chance to prove myself. 495 00:18:50,947 --> 00:18:53,249 I did bring the girls something. 496 00:18:55,251 --> 00:18:58,453 I thought I could teach 'em to saw. 497 00:18:59,873 --> 00:19:01,423 I now realize that seems dangerous. 498 00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:06,712 Well, my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while 499 00:19:06,714 --> 00:19:08,847 so I have to back out. 500 00:19:08,849 --> 00:19:11,817 Just wanted to look at it one more time. 501 00:19:11,819 --> 00:19:13,318 You know I can't give you your deposit back. 502 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,553 I know. 503 00:19:14,555 --> 00:19:16,688 - And there's a $300-- - All right, Martha. 504 00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:20,559 I get it. 505 00:19:20,561 --> 00:19:23,729 Actually, is there a way I could put down, like a-- 506 00:19:23,731 --> 00:19:25,397 - Hey. - Hey. 507 00:19:25,399 --> 00:19:26,898 I didn't know you were coming back here. 508 00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:30,619 - Oh. - What are you doing? 509 00:19:31,381 --> 00:19:33,405 Oh, my God, what are you doing? 510 00:19:33,907 --> 00:19:37,442 I'm thinking about my future. 511 00:19:40,129 --> 00:19:44,449 I am deeply, ridiculously in love with you 512 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,552 and above everything else, I just-- 513 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,338 I wanna be with you forever. 514 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,243 So, Leslie Knope, 515 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,343 - will-- - Wait. Wait. 516 00:19:54,345 --> 00:19:55,978 - Okay? - Okay. 517 00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:58,680 - Just--I need to remember this. - Sure. 518 00:19:58,682 --> 00:20:01,933 - Gimme a second. - Okay. 519 00:20:02,685 --> 00:20:05,303 - Leslie K-- - No, no, no, no, hold on. 520 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,938 Just--I need another second, please. 521 00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:13,645 I need to remember every little thing about how perfect 522 00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:17,499 my life is right now at this exact moment. 523 00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:19,534 Okay. 524 00:20:28,844 --> 00:20:29,928 Are you good? 525 00:20:29,930 --> 00:20:31,129 - Yeah. - Okay. 526 00:20:31,131 --> 00:20:32,964 I'm good. 527 00:20:32,966 --> 00:20:34,001 Leslie Knope, 528 00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:36,001 - will you-- - Yes! 529 00:20:43,692 --> 00:20:45,110 - Marry me? - Oh, yeah. 530 00:20:45,112 --> 00:20:47,029 Okay. Great. 531 00:20:48,112 --> 00:20:53,029 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 532 00:20:54,376 --> 00:20:55,877 Trick or treat! 533 00:20:56,661 --> 00:20:58,212 It's November 8th. 534 00:20:58,246 --> 00:21:00,714 Yes, well, these girls didn't get a chance 535 00:21:00,748 --> 00:21:01,781 to go trick or treating 536 00:21:01,799 --> 00:21:03,417 so somewhere in this house 537 00:21:03,451 --> 00:21:04,951 there is some candy. 538 00:21:04,969 --> 00:21:07,888 Why don't you find it and we'll get right out of your hair. 539 00:21:07,922 --> 00:21:11,975 All right, hold on one second. 540 00:21:12,510 --> 00:21:15,461 - You having fun, ladies? - Yeah! 541 00:21:15,479 --> 00:21:20,483 All right, I got some, uh, calcium chews 542 00:21:20,518 --> 00:21:22,936 and, uh, a roll of cookie dough. 543 00:21:22,970 --> 00:21:24,237 Okay, what do you say, girls? 544 00:21:24,271 --> 00:21:26,139 Thank you! 545 00:21:26,157 --> 00:21:27,907 Tremendous. 546 00:21:27,942 --> 00:21:29,776 Appreciate it. 547 00:21:29,778 --> 00:21:44,423 548 00:21:44,473 --> 00:21:49,023 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39809

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.