All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e03 Law.eng

Hey, there you are.

- I miss you.
- I miss you, too.

Where are you?

I'm in my new
city council office.

- No way.
- I know, do you like it?

I love it.

I love it, too.
Check this out.

Here is my wall
of inspirational women.

Ah.

Is that a picture of you?

Yes.
I am big enough to admit

that I am often inspired
by myself.

Here are my clocks.
Pawnee and Washington D.C.

Same time zone.

Oh, this is
the coolest part ever.

I have my own
private bathroom.

Occupied!

- Oh my God.
- Ugh.

Councilman Jamm.

What are you doing in my bathroom?

I don't known if i would call it
your bathroom.

Its only door
is in my office.

I think it is crazy that
the most junior city councilor

gets a private bathroom
just because she is a girl.

- Excuse me?
- Let's solve this.

Tell you what
I'm going to do.

I'm going
to drop my liquids in here,

take my solids
down the hall.

- Deal?
- No. No deal.

Fine.
Your loss.

How?

Fun fact about me.

I recently began
intensive psychotherapy.

I may have mentioned that
to you already.

Several times.

Well,
like my therapist says,

"You can't share too much
or too often."

You know, Gayle and I,
we saw a couples therapist

for a little while.
That's too much, Jerry.

For real.
Keep us out your bedroom.

It used to be,

when I was down,
I called my mother.

When I lacked self-confidence,
I called my running coach.

And now, no matter
what emotion I'm feeling,

I call one number--
my therapist.

I want to do the same thing
for the city.

A psychotherapist
for the city.

No, Andy.

- No.
- A 311 line.

Citizens will call 311
for whatever problem they have.

Uncollected garbage,
broken streetlight,

and we will direct them
to the proper department.

Chris, great idea.

Thank you, Andy.
I agree.

I love this idea.

And I love me
for thinking of it.

My therapist said that
I need to be more vocal

about appreciating myself.

Thank you, Chris.

You're welcome, Chris.

I sound insane.

I'm going to go talk
to my therapist.

Welcome to Pawnee Today.

I am first-rate newswoman
Joan Callamezzo.

Pawnee's City Council
approval rate is at a dismal 3%.

That's an all-time low.
Yuck.

Leslie, the city council
has done very little

over the past few years,

and what they
have accomplished,

in my opinion,
has been embarrassing.

And that is a fact.

No, that's your opinion.

That's the definition
of an opinion.

Well,
that's your opinion.

The city council
has some political gridlock

and some partisan bickering,

but we're actually
about to pass a bill--

my bill--

the Leslie Knope
Fun In The Sun Act,

which will extend
public pool hours citywide.

Can you say, "big whoop"?

Recently, the Captain of
the Pawnee Porpoises swim team

asked me if we could keep
the public pools open longer

so they could log
more practice time,

and I said, "Absolutely."

Because not only am I
a city councilor.

I'm a city councilor
with porpoise.

By passing the bill,
and extending pool hours,

we are saying to our citizens
that this City Council

is determined
to better our town.

Okay, Pawnee Porpoises
youth swim team,

I have a question for you.

What is your
greatest accomplishment?

We came in fourth

in the County swim meet
last year.

Wrong,
your greatest accomplishment

is happening in two hours
when this bill becomes law.

Yay.

I just want you to be
very proud of yourselves,

because this bill is going
to start a long romance

between the city
and its government.

Porpoise call!

What are you doing?

I'm doing a porpoise call,
which we used to do

when I
was part of your group,

but it seems like
you don't do it any more

and that's fine.

I'm not weird.
Okay, everybody leave.

I'll see you
at the city council meeting.

Hey, are you busy?

And writing Star Trek
fan fiction does not count.

Ha ha ha.

I... finished it last week.
What's going on?

Um, I miss Andy.

And you probably miss
your lover, Chris.

Leslie.

I had an idea.
It's Friday.

Pawnee's only a ten-hour drive.
Road trip?

Oh, I don't know,
I was going to try to get a jump

on some work this weekend.

Dude, 30 years from now,

when you're on your deathbed,
what are you going to remember?

Organizing files or taking
a spontaneous road trip

to surprise Leslie?

Yeah, you know what?
All right, I'm in.

You know, we might be able
to sneak out early.

You get snacks.
I'll bring music.

We'll jam out
to some sweet tunage.

You know what?
This is awesome.

Actually, no.
I don't want to go any more.

Oh. Okay.

Just kidding.
See you in ten minutes.

Okay.

Just kidding.
We're not going.

Road trip!

So we're going?

Yes!

Oh, I'm excited
to bond a little with April.

She's like the little sister
I never had.

Because the little sister
I do have

is normal
and not terrifying.

- 311.
- Well, Diane, for potholes,

you want to speak
with Public Works.

I understand
you've tried them four times.

Government is inefficient
and should be dissolved.

Please hold
while I transfer you.

Donna, can you help me?

I got a 311 call,
but it was all static.

That sounds like
an I.T. Problem.

Well, how do I
get I.T. Here?

Call 311.

311, how can I--

Oh, hello again, Diane.

Nobody answered?

Okay, you know what?

Someone will be there shortly.

Andrew, get your lunch,
some water,

and a 40-pound bag
of asphalt.

Okay, boss.
What are we doing?

- We're fixing a pothole.
- Hey!

Pawnee 311.
How can I help--

Oh, no.
No, this is not 911.

No, no.
This is 311.

Donna, they switched my phone
with 911.

What do I do?

I don't know.
Try to help.

Now hush.

It is heating up
in this piece.

Oh, that sounds awful.

Good lord,
it is hot.

Yes, mercy me.

Living in this town's
like living

in the devil's butt crack.

Almost out of gas.

I'll wait
till we're on the highway.

Now, the GPS says
we should take 495 to 270,

but check out this
cool alternate route I fou--

Oh, my God,
that is so interesting to me

because I'm a map salesman.

Why aren't we moving?

Because.
Other cars.

Will you not do that?
Please don't.

That's what you do
when you--

Please don't do--
Oh, great, here comes a guy.

- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm?

- Why aren't we moving?
- Exit's closed for a bit.

Presidential motorcade.

I'll just shut off the car
till it opens up.

Holy [Bleep], it's hot.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Beautiful, Tom.
Beautiful.

- Dynamite gums.
- Aw, thanks.

Tom, do you want to know
why I moved to Pawnee?

Sure.

It's because
the two leading industries here

are corn syrup
and rubber nipples.

It is a dentistry jackpot.
It's genius, right?

Well, D.D.S. Doesn't stand
for "dumb, dumb, stupid."

I like that.

I'm going to steal it.
That's mine now.

All right. Cool.

Councilman Jamm and I
have gotten pretty tight.

And I'm hoping to parlay this
into a membership

at the Pawnee Smokehouse,

Pawnee's most exclusive
cigar club.

Overstuffed leather chairs,
top-shelf brandies.

And that stale tobacco stench
that says,

"Welcome to the top."

You're a member
of the Pawnee Smokehouse, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Man, I love a good stogie.

I actually just had this
personalized cigar cutter made.

Whoa.

Real nice.

Not my initials,
but thank you so much.

Oh, well, it's not--

Okay.

Hey, so, uh,
we're still all good

on Leslie's bill, right?

Actually, Tommy,
we need to talk.

I have wanted this perm
since middle school.

I could not be
more excited about this.

- Are you excited, Autumn?
- Yeah, definitely.

Do you ever give a perm
to someone and ever regret it?

Uh...

Ann has told me repeatedly
not to get a perm.

But Ann's not here.

So when the Ann's away,
the mice get perms.

Councilman Jamm
changed his vote.

He's voting no
on fun in the sun.

What? Why?
He promised me.

He just said
that he changed his mind.

Then he told me some veneers
could really make my smile pop.

Thoughts?

Oh, my God.
The vote is in an hour.

Okay, we need to have an
emergency strategy session now.

- What about the perm?
- The perm must wait, Autumn!

The perm must wait.

Wait... So this means the bill
isn't going to pass?

My parents said that you guys
can't get anything done.

Now, wait, okay, hold on.

This isn't over
by a long shot.

But it's three to two
against us.

Yeah, I know
how to do math, Mason.

Okay, don't be an alarmist.

It's very important
that we stay positive.

Our positive attitude
is our greatest asset.

- Tom, a word, please.
- Mm-hmm.

The bill is dead,
the Porpoises are doomed,

and democracy is over.
Oh, my God.

I can't believe
I decided to get a perm.

Ann should have never
let me do this.

Look, Jamm saw you
on Pawnee Today.

He knows how much
you want this.

He's just trying to get
something in return.

This is a bargaining tool.

You know, this is why
people hate the government.

'Cause just when we're about
to do something really good,

it all falls apart
due to some stupid,

selfish jerk butt.

You know, screw Jamm.
Screw Jamm.

I'm just going to try
to get Councilman Milton's vote.

Milton?
He's, like, 150 years old.

Yeah.
He's got grandkids, okay?

And--and kids love to swim.

And he'll give us his vote.

He's an old person,

and I'll talk to him
really slowly.

He won't even know
what he's doing.

I just need to hurry up.
How do I look?

I don't know
how to answer that.

Hi, I'm Andy.
I really like your dress.

- I'm a princess.
- I'm a mermaid.

I'm the director
of Parks and Recreation.

I'm here to fix that hole.

This is our kingdom.
You have to ask permission.

Excuse me?

Your highnesses,

we do humbly request
thine permission

to befix doth holes yonder.

Only if you can tag us.

Come here.

Your tax dollars at work.

Soundtrack
to Pulp Fiction,

soundtrack to Singles,

soundtrack
to Grosse Pointe Blank.

Why do you have
so many soundtracks?

Oh, well, uh,

I kind of look at it like

it's your favorite directors

making a mix tape
just for you.

Eww.

Oh, here's something.

"Benji's Cool Times
Summer Jamz Mix."

Oh, no, I--you probably
don't want to listen to that...

- Yes, I want to listen to it.
- Just 'cause--no, listen, it--

- I want to listen to it.
- We don't--we don't--

- I wanna hear what's on it.
- We don't need to--

April...

Don't judge me.

Councilman,
I'd like to talk to you

about the Fun
In The Sun bill,

and I don't mean to rush you,
but the vote is in an hour.

When I'm done eating,
we'll talk.

I've eaten the same lunch
for 58 years.

Caesar salad,
extra dressing,

extra croutons,
and extra anchovies.

Mmm.

Councilman Milton was first
elected as a city councilor

in 1948, as a member
of the Dixiecrat Party.

Their platform?
"De-integrate Baseball."

The secret
is in the dressing.

Try it.
It's an aphrodisiac.

You too,
my strange, foreign friend.

- No, thank you.
- Tom, eat some.

I'm not eating
racist salad.

The more we eat,
the faster we talk.

Mmm.

You can really taste
the ignorance.

It's pronounced
"anchovies."

Hi.

Diane Lewis.

I own this pothole.

Ron Swanson.
I'm here to fix it.

Oh, seaweed choke! Ugh!

That large boy
is my colleague.

We work
at the Parks Department.

Oh, you're not even from
the Public Works Department?

Look, it appeared that no one
from the proper channels

was gonna fix this,
so I decided to do it myself.

Do you know
what you're doing?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, I do.

Councilman,
you have grandchildren--

And seven great-grandkids.

Tim, Mary, Jack,

uh, Tim, Marie,
Tim, and Mary.

Don't forget about Tim.

Right, Tim.

How many is that?

You know,
it's very hard to tell.

This might not work.

Let me find Jamm,
see if he'll bargain.

Mm-hmm.

What country is he from?

Iceland.

"Data had never felt
this way before.

"Of course, data had never
felt anything before.

"But Captain Picard
couldn't help but note

"the smile that crept over

his mechanical
but lifelike face."

I'm gonna murder you.

I understand.
Just one second.

"As they walked down the hall
into the bridge--"

Lemonade?

Please and thank you.

Hey, I'm sorry
if I was curt earlier.

I'm a single mom,
and sometimes things

get chaotic around here.

When you showed up
from the Parks Department--

No need to apologize.
I understand completely.

This is delicious.

Well, I got it
from Food and Stuff, so--

That's where
I got these gloves.

Right?

So, how exactly are you
gonna fix this hole?

Just for my own edification.

Uh, I dug the loose gravel
out of the hole.

Now I'm using a jackhammer
to remove the larger pieces,

then I'll spray down
the hole to settle the dust

and fill it
with cold patch asphalt.

Well, thank you.

Now I can fix
the next one myself.

Do you hear that bird?

Jamm!
What do you want?

Support of one of your bills?
Committee chairmanship?

- I want your toilet.
- What?

Your office,
with the private bathroom?

He wants your office.

Yeah, I don't mean
to brag, but, uh,

I've got
Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

This isn't even
about policy?

Absolutely not.
- This is a no-brainer.

Just make the trade,
everyone's happy.

I'm not happy.

He shoots down
a very helpful bill

'cause he doesn't get to poop
wherever he wants?

No, I'm gonna get
Councilman Milton,

and you can put your butt
back in your pants, sir.

Yeah, well,
love the hair!

Andy, come help me
tamp this down.

For the last time,

Ron, it's
princess rainbow sparkle.

Holy Moses.

Can we turn you
into a princess?

No.

I think it would
really make Diane happy.

Why would that matter?

Shut up.

Ooh.

Would you please
come help me tamp this down?

It's a job
that requires two men.

Or does it require
two princesses?

- Please?
- Please? Please?

Oh.

This is impressive.

You remind me of a young,
beautiful Strom Thurmond.

Yes, I've been saying that
for years.

Councilman Milton,
do I have your vote?

- Yes, indeed.
- Oh.

Oh, there's a lot of
salad dressing on your hand.

Shall we kiss?

Huh? No. No!

- Aah! Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh.
- Oh, my God, are you okay?

Please be okay.

Please,
still be able to vote.

We can kiss if you want to.

With tongue?

Hey! No.

She tried to kiss me.

She was insatiable.

Well, I don't know,
maybe we should, you know,

postpone the vote

until the councilman
gets better, you know?

Uh, yeah, we're not
postponing anything, okay?

I'm pushing the vote through
and it won't pass.

Complimentary toothbrush?

You're missing the backs
of your upper canines.

Sloppy technique.

Excuse me?

I have excellent
toothbrush technique.

Just give him what he wants.
Take the easy way out.

I always do.
It's so easy.

I do not negotiate
with dentists.

I'm trying to tell everybody
that the government is great,

and I think it stinks.

I hate it.
I hate the government.

- You don't mean that.
- You're right, I don't.

I take it back.
Why did I say that, Tom?

God, you know me so well.

More Rouge!

Everything going good?

I came here
to fix a pothole,

not be mocked.

I'm sorry, it's just--
your face is ridiculous.

Thank you for the lemonade.

The asphalt will bear weight
in an hour.

- Time to go, Andrew.
- No!

Wait, but we were gonna make
a sparkle palace!

Ron, you're walking
across hot lava!

- Oh!
- Oh, no!

Whoa, it's moving.

- It's moving.
- What?

- Yes!
- Finally.

No.
No, no, no, no, no.

- What?
- No!

We're out of gas.

Aah!

Aah!

Next order of business,

the Fun In The Sun Act,

introduced
by Councilwoman Knope.

Councilman,
I move that the bill

be read
in its entirety.

- Ms. Beavers?
- Fine.

Pawnee Municipal Code
Amendment, 217-426...

Buying time, I see.
What's up?

You can have my office.

Okay, why don't you, uh--
why don't you sweeten the pot?

You can have
my parking space.

And?

And I will get Invisaligns
from you.

And?

And, that is enough.

And shut up.
And I hate you.

We got a deal.

Can't wait to drop
my kids at the pool.

- By "kids," I mean turds.
- I get it.

Yeah.

Then Ana asks Grey
to punish her.

Donna, please,
can you keep it down?

Or at least research

how to deliver a baby
that's coming out face up.

Lay the mother on her side

and try to move the baby
in a corkscrew fashion.

Diane is awesome
and she likes you.

And you like her.
I can tell.

"A," I don't recall
inviting you in here,

and "B," I did not like her.

She's not my type.

Her life is messy.

Ron, messy is fun, okay?

My whole life
is a giant mess

and I love it.

I mean, look at my hair.

I have gum in my hair.

Listen,
I will not pursue Diane.

End of story.

- Please, just steer.
- Be stronger.

Ow.

That was a great road trip.

We made it 40 feet.

Yeah, well, at least
it took a million hours,

and it was 180 degrees,

- and we starved to death.
- So fun.

Hey, how about next weekend
we fly to Pawnee?

- Tickets are on me.
- Really?

That would be awesome.
Definitely.

Nah, never mind.
I don't feel like it.

What?
Oh, my God.

See how it feels?

Excellent work, everyone!

Particularly you, Ron.

You have one
very satisfied citizen.

What did you do for her?

I fixed her pothole.

Is that a euphemism?

- No.
- Then great work.

In fact,
she's out in the hallway

and wants
to thank you herself.

If you're here
to complain about the pothole,

I guarantee
I did it correctly.

Actually, I'm here
to ask you out for dinner.

Really?

Well, I hope you're not
the kind of man

who needs to ask
the lady out.

I'm a middle school
vice-principal.

I don't screw around.
Does that freak you out?

No, on the contrary.

So, dinner?

Please and thank you.

Well, it'll be casual.

No need to wear makeup.

I begrudgingly admit

that the 311 program
is a moderate success.

I'm still not sure why

the citizen decided to come
speak with me in person,

but I'm just happy to see

a government program
finally work.

Okay, so let's get ready
for the photo, guys.

I want you
to arrange yourselves

from most excited about
democracy to least excited.

Wait a minute.
Everybody's excited?

I bet you are!

Because your bill
just became law.

Boy, you know, I can't believe
you traded your office

to keep
this craphole pool open

for a couple more weeks
a year.

Hey, can you not say that
in front of the kids, please?

I'm trying to teach them
how great government is.

Oh, this is
a teaching moment?

Great.
Hey, uh, kids?

Would you like to learn
how Leslie got your bill passed?

Councilwoman Knope
traded my vote for her--

What the hell, man?
Why'd you do that?

Um...

Um, because
it's fun in the sun!

Everybody in the pool!

Yay, pool!

Yay, democracy!

Oh, no, my perm.

Ta da.
What do you see?

- Your new city council office.
- Yes.

And it is
across the courtyard

from your office,
so we can wave at each other.

But it is also Pawnee's
newest and most exclusive

cigar club,
Tom's Smokehouse.

Whoa! "Smoke Dog."

And the Tommy Haverford
member's chair.

Now you're talking.

Man, Jamm's
gotta be pretty mad at us.

I ain't scared of him.

He's a punk.

To making things happen.

I'll puff to that.

I do not like this.

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