All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e01 Ms. Knope Goes to Washington.eng

Washington, D.C.

Take a deep breath, Andy.
[Breathes deeply]

I mean, you can practically
smell the bills becoming laws.

Yeah.

You can taste the sweet sugar
of bureaucracy at work.

That building
looks like a boob.

- Yeah, well, it's not.
- Oh, yeah, I know.

- It's the white house.
- No. It's the Capitol.

My amazing lover, Ben Wyatt,
is here

working on
a congressional campaign.

And he took April with him
as his intern.

I'm here to visit,
but I am also here to work,

because I have
a very important meeting

where I am going to try to get
federal funding

so we can clean up
the Pawnee river.

It's a bit of a fixer-upper.

Romantic reunions,
government meetings,

self-guided museum tours--

I mean, am I living the dream?
I don't know.

Did I also just walk
past a food truck

and buy myself a waffle sundae?
Yes.

Now take out your guidebook.

Oh, I didn't bring
a guidebook.

- Oh, I brought you one.
- You did?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Now throw it away, 'cause
Leslie Knope is your guidebook.

I didn't--

I didn't mean literally.
There were some notes in it.

Okay, grab the book,
and let's hit the National Mall.

There's a mall?
That's awesome.

I need to get some flip-flops.

[Triumphant music]

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Why are we having
a conference-room meeting?

Leslie's gone.

Ron has taken initiative,
and he is leading the meeting.

[Laughter]

He's not joking.

I wanted to let you all know
that I will be throwing

the annual Parks Department
employee-appreciation barbecue.

You're going to throw
the Leslie Knope

Employment Enjoyment Summerslam
Grill Jam Fun-splosion?

That's right.

You are gonna oversee
the Popsicle-eating contest,

the slip'n slide-a-thon,

the watermelon carving,
the gazpacho-off,

and star in a one-woman show

about parks rules
and regulations?

"Parks and Dolls."

♪ I got your park right here,
its name is Ramsett Park. ♪

All: ♪ and its gates are open
from dawn till dark. ♪

I am not doing any of that,
which is the point.

Every summer
Leslie throws a barbecue

to thank the Parks
and Maintenance staff.

It's horrifying.

Barbecues should be
about one thing--

good, shared meat.

There will be
no froofy desserts.

There will be
no giant-soap-bubble guns.

There will be
no adult men in costumes.

And most of all,

there will be
no [Bleep]ing vegetables.

Well, Ron, can we at least
have corn on the cob?

No.

"In this temple,

"As in the hearts of the people
for whom he saved the Union,

the memory of Abraham Lincoln
is enshrined forever."

Andy, what are you doing?

Have you ever seen any
of the National Treasure movies?

Everything in this city
is a clue.

Nothing in that movie
is accurate.

Aha! A clue!

Check it out.

I think that's just gum.

How do I know this isn't
a treasure map

just waiting to be unfurled?

- Because it's gum.
- That's gum.

Yeah.

So you can see
that the color changes

about 1/3 of the way up,
and it's when construction

was actually halted
on the monu--

Leslie, this is
a really cool penis,

but Ben and April
are meeting us

at the Smithsonian
in 10 minutes.

Let's talk on the way.
1776, a nation was born.

Which nation?

I offered Ron
a job last month,

and he turned me down.

And it literally
broke my heart.

But now I see that
this is truly where he belongs.

Way to be, Ron!

You're really
getting it done, man!

He can't hear me.

Okay, let's begin
the barbecue.

Oh, hey, little guy.

What are you doing?
Oh, no.

Everyone, meet your meat.

All: No!

Why are you doing this to us?

Well, in my opinion,
not enough people

have looked their dinner
in the eyes

and considered
the circle of life.

This is your dinner.
His name is Tom.

[Laughs]
Burn.

Seriously?

I understand
that it's hilarious,

but that is
his given, Christian name.

Tom is very smart
and incredibly loyal.

He's basically a dog.

A dog we're going to cook,
chew, and swallow.

Dude, there's kids
around here.

Good point.

Which one of you youngsters

wants to help me drain the blood
from this animal?

If you do a good job,
I'll give you the bladder.

You can blow it up
for a fun play ball.

Hey, Ron.

You're not going to slaughter
that pig here, are you?

Not to worry.
I have a permit.

This just says,
"I can do what I want."

I am the director
of the Parks Department,

and this is a park.

It's not a Parks thing.

It's against, like, three laws
and a dozen health codes.

Fine.

Barbecue is postponed

until I can go pick up some meat
from the Food 'n' Stuff.

Let's go, Tom.

No, pig Tom.

[Laughing]

So I want to see
the history of the girl scouts

and then Lincoln's pocket watch
and the First Ladies exhibit

and everything--
I want to see everything.

Andy, get down from there.

Hey, Leslie. Is this the train
from Back to the Future III?

- Get down from there.
- I think it is.

Hey, buddy.

Come on down from there
for me, please.

Sir, you protect
our nation's history,

and you're a hero.

Yeah,
a hero with something to hide,

like probably a treasure map.

Oh, hey.
It's so good to see you.

It's so great to see you too.

Yeah.

Yikes.

Okay, uh, guys,
let's motor.

Guys. Guys.

Let's go get some astronaut
ice cream or something.

We were thinking
about maybe just--

uh, we--
maybe we were gonna go back to--

We're gonna have sex.

Okay.
You look great, April.

Sorry, hon.
I actually have to go too.

Oh, really? I thought maybe
we could sightsee together.

I know.
I have, like, 1,000 meetings.

But I just wanted to come
wish you luck

before your presentation.

Oh, but you know
what you should see

while you're here
is George Washington's fare--

Farewell address candle stand.

That was the first thing
I was going to see.

God, I love you so much.

Come to my office
as soon as you're done, okay?

Okay.

And it was nice
to see you again.

Are you talking to my butt?

- [Giggles] Yes.
- Okay.

Where is Swanson?

Man, I'm hungry.
My legs are tired.

It feels like
I just exercised.

Just sit on the ground.

No, Jerry.

It's dirty, and I'm wearing
my summer linens.

God, you're such a baby.

Look, I brought a picnic blanket
from your house.

That's not a picnic blanket.

That's a Merino wool throw
for my Eames chair!

Uh-oh.
Do I sense trouble

in the Haverford-Perkins
household?

No such luck, Donna.

Ann and Tom, aka Haverkins,
are stronger than ever.

Everyone said it wouldn't last.

And it didn't.

Shocking that our drunken plan
to move in together

wasn't a success.

- Let's move in together.
- Totally.

No take-backs when we
sober up, though, partner.

No take-backs, partner.
[Both laugh]

After the first day, we realized
we had made a huge mistake.

Huge.

However, everyone was being
so smug about it,

saying there's no way
it would last,

so we're pretending
to still be together.

That way, no one gets
the satisfaction of being right,

even though they are,
but still.

More importantly,
I bet Donna $1,000

that we'd be together
for another month.

I can't stress this enough.

If she finds out
that we broke up,

I'll go bankrupt.

Oh, my God.
Food. Food.

Yes, I am returned.

No.
Not so fast, Shirley.

I just have to thaw the meat,
season it, and grill it up.

So it's going to be a few hours.

[All groan]
No, Ron.

My tummy's rumbling.
It's scary.

Tommy's got the tum-rums.

Ron, Chris Traeger
feelings update--

I'm now feeling that your guests
are getting a little antsy.

Fine. I'll skip a few steps
and speed things up.

There you go.

Is there at least
something to drink?

There's beer in the cooler.

What about for the children?

You can get water
from that water fountain

and use it
to water down the beer.

Why don't you just
give the kids water?

I suppose you could do that.

Now, would everyone
please back off

and just let me cook in peace?

These people are soft.

They're grill virgins.

But by the time
this day is over,

they'll have been
taken by the grill

and delicately and tenderly
shown the ways

of flavorful meat love.

Mmm...

The first time
is so beautiful.

Ben and I are a power couple,

like the Roosevelts
or the Clintons.

I've got a big meeting here.

Ben is off running
a congressional campaign.

I mean, the only way
we could be more awesome

is if we had our own
signature dance move.

Oh, wait.
We do.

Three, four.
[Scatting]

[Door slams]

I'm Leslie Knope.
I have a 3:00 with Mr. Jepson.

What's this in reference to?

I'm here to present
my application

for the Federal Riverbed
Preservation Grant.

Oh. Most people just mail
their applications in.

[Chuckles]
I'm not most people.

Mr. Jepson actually had
to step out for the day.

You can just add your proposal
to that pile there.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

I was told I would have
a face-to-face meeting with him

so I could make my case
for my town.

Does he have office hours?

He's unavailable
for the rest of the week.

But you can just add
the proposal.

- He'll get to it.
- Oh...

Okay.

It's kind of
a special application.

Uh, you know,
there's a-a CD inside

that, uh, plays the sound
of a babbling river,

and I was going to play that
while I gave my presentation.

I was also going to show a DVD

that had some images
of frolicking river otters.

You know what?
I-I'll make sure he reads it.

What city is it for?

Pawnee.

Is that Pawnee, Illinois,
Indiana, Iowa,

Kansas, Missouri,
Nebraska, Oklahoma,

or Texas?

- (Softly) Indiana.
- Okay.

This is amazing.

Look at this.

This whole place is your office.

Nope.
This is my office.

Ben, you're fired.
It's my office now.

Boom.
You heard the boss.

Scram, Wyatt.

- Hey.
- Hey. How'd it go?

Um, I think okay.

- Yeah?
- Okay, I think.

Well, I have a surprise
for you.

Uh, there's a swanky D.C.
Cocktail party at the Hay-Adams,

and I got us all on the list.

Wow, look at you.
You're a big shot.

Hey, uh, Benjamin,
how fancy is this party tonight?

I mean, is this, like, a shorts
or a pants kind of gala?

- Pants.
- Great.

Could we just real quick stop
at the nearest place

that has free pants?

I know that Ron
doesn't want us to eat anything

before the meat,
but I smuggled in some candy.

Oh, thank God.
I'm starving.

Raisins?

It's nature's candy.

Now, they're basically grapes.

So remember to pace yourself.

I can't even follow
my own advice.

It's too delicious.

Oh, my God.

Did you put glitter
in the laundry detergent?

Oh, yeah.

I'm experimenting with some
new entrepreneurial ideas.

That one's called "Sparkle Suds."

Dress loud.

Will you stop putting
glitter in everything?

This morning
you put glitter in the butter.

"Disco Dairy."
Spread the party.

No, that's not a good idea.
That's terrible.

Well, the target demographic
isn't angry, middle-aged nurses.

- Oh--shh, stop it--hey.
- Wait--

Hey.

I'm going to get in line
for some food.

Y'all want anything?

- We're good. We're really good.
- Nope.

Just spending a little time
with my baby girl.

Ew.

Get off me.

There's so much free food
at this party, honey.

I love politics.
Look, I made a shrimp claw.

I'm really proud
of you, babe.

Now put your used plate
in my purse.

I almost have a complete set.

Really? Oh, my God.
You're so smart.

They say it will pass,
but we'll only get $400 million

instead of $900 million.

Kate works at the Pentagon
and Lacey works for Eric Cantor.

What do you do, Leslie?

I was just recently elected.
I'm a councilwoman.

Local government
is so important.

My grandma's on the city council
in her town.

Gives her a reason
to leave the house.

Oh.

Where did you say
you were from?

It's called Pawnee.

Pawnee, Missouri?

Oh, my--
that is so random.

I've been there--
totally cute.

Pawnee, Indiana.

Pawnee, Missouri,
is a total craphole.

Ben and I both did
some amazing things today.

He scored a victory
for the congressional campaign

he's working on.

And I was mistaken
for Beverly D'Angelo

by a Japanese tourist.

So, pretty big day
for both of us.

Ron, can I have a burger?
I'm hungry.

For the last time,
no burgers yet.

I've got ribs,
and I've got beef cheek.

Ron, where are
my vegan soy patties?

Oh, I gave them to the kids.
They love them.

They're skipping them
across the pond.

Donna, I got to go
to the boys' room.

- Can I have a ride in your car?
- Absolutely not.

This barbecue stinks.
I'm saying it. It stinks.

Do you have any plates
or anything?

I mean, how are we supposed
to eat these rumps?

Ron, if no one takes me
to the bathroom,

I'm just going to have
to go in the trees.

All right.
Forget it.

You have ruined
a perfectly good barbecue

with your demands and chatter.

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Does anybody feel
like they can't breathe?

- I think I need some fresh air.
- We're outside.

God, these women--

they're so smart
and accomplished and pretty.

And they're tall.

Why are they all so tall?

It's like C-Span
and Neiman Marcus had kids

or something.

Hey, so there's a couple more
people I want you to meet.

Great. I can't wait to meet,
like, five more tall women.

Excuse me, Senators?

Ben Wyatt, from
Congressman Murray's campaign.

Ben, I remember you
from the Kennedy Center.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

I wanted to introduce
my friend Leslie Knope--

Senators Barbara Boxer
and Olympia Snow.

- A pleasure to meet you.
- How do you do?

So, Leslie, what do you do?

I am a city councilwoman
from Pawnee, Indiana.

But you've probably
never heard of us.

We're small and unimportant.

- I'm sure that's not true.
- But it is.

We've got tons of problems.

We're overrun with raccoons
and obese toddlers.

Anyway,
I'm probably boring you.

I just wanted to say
that you are my role models,

and, uh, you are
incredibly amazing women,

and it is an honor to meet you,

and I really respect
your grace under pressure,

[voice breaking]
And thank you for your time.

Excuse me, Senators.

Uh, Leslie?

Hello?

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

I'm just tired, okay?

I saw 24 historical sights
in a day,

and it's 120 degrees out
with 200% humidity,

'cause this is
a stupid swamp town.

Okay, that would make
anyone cranky.

- I'm not cranky.
- Okay.

I thought you'd enjoy meeting
numbers 4 and 26

on Leslie's list
of amazing women.

I do. I did.

You're the most amazing
boyfriend ever.

And if you don't get
out of here soon,

I'm going to punch you
in the face.

Journal needs a quote
for the profile.

It's fine.
Just go.

I'll see you
at your apartment later.

This is Ben Wyatt.

Excuse me.
I just need to get my coat here.

Could you give me
a minute here, please?

Are you--
are you okay?

Can I get you anything?

I-I would like you
to just leave

and give me
a little privacy here, please.

All right.

I'm sorry.
I hope everything's okay.

[Scoffs]

Nosy people have no respect
for personal space.

Ann... what the hell?

[Laughs]

I put glitter in all
your moisturizers and lotions.

I'm calling it
"Sparkle Skin", by Annie.

Twinkle, twinkle,
big star.

Ann!
That is an amazing idea,

and I will buy it from you,
but never do that again.

That was really
expensive moisturizer.

Yeah, well,
you ruined all of my clothes.

Well, then, I did you
a huge favor, 'cause they stink.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

Oh, hello, lovers.

- Oh.
- Tom!

You're amazing!
Kiss me more!

- Uh-huh.
- All right. Enough of this.

Y'all broke up a long time ago,
didn't you?

No. We're stronger
than ever, so...

It's all right.

I'ma let y'all have this one.

As someone who has lied a lot

about various aspects
of a myriad of relationships,

I respect the effort
you've gone to.

Let's call off the bet.

Thanks, Donna.

No problem.

- I guess that's it.
- Yep.

The end of a relationship.

And the beginning
of a partnership.

Let's talk "Sparkle Skin."

Do we know anyone

in product development
over at Sephora?

Good-bye, Tom.

Here's a picture
of me and April

making out in her apartment.

- Oh.
- Here's a picture of us

making out in Ben's office.

This is a picture--
oh, this is us making out--

I don't know where that is,

but you can tell
that she's sucking on my lip.

[Laughs]

Traveling.

Making out--
are you okay, boss?

No.
Not really.

I know I should be focusing
on this river cleanup,

but all I keep thinking about
is Ben laughing in a helicopter

with Hot Rebecca.

- Who's Hot Rebecca?
- [Sighs]

She's just this
jealousy amalgam I created.

I combined all
of the giant, dark-haired,

smartphone power goddesses
into one woman

called Hot Rebecca.

- Ah.
- I mean, Ben's life is filled

with senators and briefings
and Super PACs.

I can't even get a meeting
with some bureaucrat.

[Laughs] I don't even know
what a bureaucrat is.

Everything's going to be fine
with you and Ben,

because if I know Ben,
he, too, is an amalgam.

- No.
- Yeah.

Point is, you're better
than Hot Rebecca.

You're kickass Leslie.

Long-distance relationships
are never easy,

but you never, ever
give up on stuff.

Thanks.

- That's what makes you...
- Nope.

An amalgam.
Nailed it.

Ron, a word?

Are you aware of what's going on
out in your department?

I am.

My department is pouting

because I didn't put on
a puppet show

based on the funniest
email chain of the year.

I would have liked
to have seen that show.

My nomination was

Jerry accidentally forwards
his bank statement to everyone.

[Laughs]
Classic...

And depressing.

The point of a barbecue
is not to do

hokey, office joke theater.
The point is--

The point of the barbecue
was to thank the department.

It was an employee-appreciation
barbecue.

Ron, I gave you the chance

to become assistant
city manager.

And you chose to stay here,
which is fine.

But if you're going
to lead the department,

you occasionally
have to lead the department.

And I say that as one
of your closest colleagues

and dearest friends...

But also as your boss.

I went to our nation's capital
this weekend

in order to apply
for a federal grant

to clean up our city's river.

But things move pretty slow
in Washington,

and I'm not going
to wait around.

Now, I was recently reminded
by someone

that I'm not the type of person
to shy away from hard work.

What?
Did I--

Do you need something
from me right now?

No, no, no.
Never mind.

Point is, I'm going to clean up
this river by myself.

Every Saturday
from 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m.,

I will be here.

Those are my office hours.

If you want to come
and talk to me

or ask me questions
or raise an issue,

this is where I'll be.

Let's get to work, Pawnee.

[Applause]

Oh, my God.

The smell is so much worse
when you get up close.

Yeah.
Oh, look, a handgun.

I call it.

- Holy--
- Whoa!

Everyone, get in here now!

Your work is appreciated.

Eat some corn.

- Wow. Thank you, Ron.
- Thanks, boss.

- Thanks, Ron.
- Thanks, Ron.

Also, here's Tom.

Aah!

It actually smells
really delicious.

It really does.

Give me some of Tommy's ribs.

- Oh, heck, yeah.
- Sorry, Tom.

Oh, my God.
That's good.

I mean, if I'd known
it didn't go well

with the guy from Interior, I--

No, no, no.
You did nothing wrong.

I'm so happy for you

and how much everyone loves you
and how great you're doing.

I just freaked out.
I'm sorry.

Long distance sucks.

It does.
But we can do this, right?

Yeah, definitely.

Can you come visit next month?

We can take a proper tour
of the sights.

There's only one sight
I want to see right now.

All right,
I mean, this is getting weird,

but, uh, there it is.

I meant
the Jefferson Memorial,

you perv.

Right. Sorry.

Sorry, I-I don't, uh--

I'm--I'm just--

Wait.
No, you didn't.

No, I didn't.
[Both laugh]

- Spin it around and back it on up.
- All right.

The White House--
America's most whitest house--

most notably is
where Sinbad lived

in the film First Kid.

Sinbad, wow.

The other tour guide
never said anything about that.

Do you know why
it's called the Oval Office?

No.

Because of a man--
Oval Redenbacher...

- What?
- Popcorn inventor.

He used to hang out
with John F. Kennedy.

Excuse me.
Attention, everyone.

This tour guide

is the most amazing tour guide
there ever was.

Please, step up.

$200 cash up front.

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