All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s04e20 The Debate.eng

Okay, everybody,
latest poll is

Newport, 40%,
Leslie, 32%,

with everyone else way back.

Now this debate is our best
chance to close that gap.

Chris, Ann, and Tom, you guys
will be talking to reporters,

providing facts, general spin.

- Spin team!
- Spin team!

This is the best
possible job for me.

I can literally make
anything sound positive.

Your house just burned down,

and you lost all your money
in the stock market.

It's a chance to start over.

Fire is cleansing,
and true wealth

is measured by the amount
of love in your life.

If I had to have anybody
tell me that I had cancer,

I would want it to be me.

Ron, April, and Andy,
you'll be throwing

a party
for our biggest donors.

Ooh,
I can't believe our house

is going to be full
of rich people

named Dottie
and Todd and Rick.

Is the menu all set?

Yes, I will be providing
several slabs

of my world-famous
Swanson ribs.

And I will be providing
my world-famous $100 lap dances.

- Sweet!
- No.

Okay.

The election
is in two weeks.

The debate
is in nine hours.

Let's get to work.

Wow.

Can't believe
we're doing this here.

Seats, like, 800 people.

Well, that's what you get
when your opponent's

the most famous person
in town.

This is a lot bigger than my
high school debate auditorium.

4 feet.

Exact same size
as the podium you use

in the Parks department.

Opening statement.

I am Leslie Knope.

I love this town,

and I've worked my whole life
to make it great.

I believe that
I've earned your vote.

Bobby Newport believes
he can buy it.

- You got this.
- I got this.

You could debate Newport
in your sleep.

I have.

I know.
We sleep in the same bed.

It's been hell.

I finally get
a chance to stand

in front of everyone and talk
about the town that I love.

What if the town loves Bobby
more than me?

There's no way.
You're going to destroy him.

I'm going to wipe the floor
with his face.

You're going to rip out
his spine with your teeth

and then chew it up
and gargle with it.

I love it when
you're needlessly disgusting.

I'm trying to clean up
for the party,

but I swear to God,
my arms can't move that way.

Leave it messy.
It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.
Life is garbage.

What happened?

Ann broke up with me.
For reals this time.

And all I did was call
into this radio station

and give her a sweet
little shout-out.

So we're up in the club.

It's me!
We're dancing.

We're sweating.

Let's just say we got
to second that night.

Kind of.
Me so horny.

This chick's
name is Ann Perkins.

Look her up
on the government website.

She is crazy hot.
Isn't that great?

Come here.
Aah!

I complimented you.

I guess she's just afraid of
how powerful her feelings are.

Dude, that's not why
she broke up with you.

You have to stop
your stupid swagger

and just tell her in a normal
voice that you care about her.

What do you know?
You don't care about things.

Yes, I do,
I care about...

Andy...
And champion.

And I want Leslie to win,
and I like sleeping.

So everybody has things
they care about.

If Ann is yours,
you need to tell her.

Okay, Chris,
hypothetical crisis.

Leslie just tried
to answer a question

and audibly farted
then threw up. Spin.

Leslie Knope
is literally overflowing

with ideas for this town.

And speaking of methane,
have you heard about her plan

to limit greenhouse
gas emissions?

- Wow.
- Nice.

- Spin team!
- Spin team!

Ann and I make
such a great team.

It's silly that we're not
a team in real life.

I just heard those words
come out of my mouth,

and I have made a decision.

I've heard that you
and Tom Haverford

are no longer
romantically involved.

Is that true?

Yes, we broke up.

And I honestly can't believe
we ever dated.

Does defy logic.

Okay, I still have
feelings for you.

Strong feelings.

Emotional, primal feelings.

And I would like to give
our relationship another try.

Chris, we dated for, like,
three months a year ago.

I honestly think
that you've built this

into something
that it wasn't.

And according to your rule,

we can't date
because you're my boss.

Maybe not for long.

If Newport wins,
the city council may replace me.

But it would open it up
for us to be together.

Would you like that?

Don't answer.
Just think about it.

Come on.
Let's spin.

So you do a lot
of investing?

- We like to dabble.
- Mm-hmm.

I recently invested

in some shirts I got
at a garage sale.

Left those at Wendy's
on the way home.

So...

The economy.

Hello.

You are here

because you gave us money.

Now we will give you ribs.

Also you will watch
the debate.

If you like the debate,
you'll give us more money.

That is all.
Ron Swanson.

Uh-oh. Somebody forgot
to pay the cable bill.

Am I right?

It was me.

Do it.

Fierce. Power.

Pump it up.
2012.

Nothing gets me more amped
than Sarah McLachlan.

Opening statement.

I am Leslie Knope.
I love this town.

I've worked my whole life
to make it great.

I believe
I've earned your vote.

Bobby Newport believes
he can buy it.

I have the best campaign manager
in the world.

I wouldn't say that.
Jen's a killer.

You can beat Newport.
I don't know if I can beat her.

Here's what I know.

I love you,
and I like you.

I love you,
and I like you.

Your boy looks
a little lost out there.

Oh, he'll be fine.

Expectations are crazy low.

If he puts
two sentences together

without crying,
the press is going to say

he's doing surprisingly well,
and if he falls to pieces,

he's going to look sympathetic.
It's a win-win.

So do you have any idea how long
this is going to take?

Good evening, everyone,
and welcome to the event

we are doing tonight, which is
a city council candidate debate

that we're going to start now.
I'm Perd Hapley.

And I am legendary newswoman
Joan Callamezzo, newly single.

It's time
for opening statements.

I am Fester Trim.

Many of you know me as the man
who sells you your guns

at the gun-believable
Gun Emporium.

Whoo!

I want to tell you
about my idea

for assault rifle
vending machines.

You might be thinking,
"what does an adult film star

know about politics?"

Well, I've produced
and starred in

over 400 adult films
this year alone.

- Whoo!
- Thank you.

And just like Leslie,
I know

what it's like to be the only
woman in a room full of men.

I am Manrico Della Rossa.

I believe animals are
as important as people.

And if elected,
I will fight for them

as if they are
my own children.

I am Leslie Knope.

I love this town,

and I've worked my whole life
to make it great.

I believe that
I've earned your vote.

Bobby Newport believes
he can buy it.

And maybe that's because he's
never earned anything

his entire life.

That--that hurt my feelings.
Hurt my feelings.

You're supposed to be
this positive person.

Can't we just talk
about things we like?

Well said.

Uh, just a reminder
to our candidates

to keep it civil.

Looking at you, Leslie.

Ah, that's okay, Joan.

I'm okay. I'm just--

I'm nervous, man.
I'm nervous. Gah.

I guess I want
to do a good job

because, um, I like it when
people think I do a good job.

And I want your vote
because I want Pawnee and my dad

to see what I'm made of.

So let's do this.

The wrecking crew.

Who let you guys in?

Hey, Jason.

Ease back.

This question
about public safety

comes from Twitter
because apparently,

that's something
that happens now.

@munchmeat2015 asks,
"Pawnee used 2 b safe.

"Some1 stole my car.

"What will u do

"2 make Pawnee safe

& can u help me
find my car?"

I can assure you,

if you had a gun
mounted on the dashboard,

which automatically shot people
trying to break into it,

you would still have your car.

You know, I guess I would like
to tell Mr. Munchmeat

that I think that stinks
that happened to him.

You know, one time
a guy stole

some downhill skis
out of my jeep.

And I was so mad,
I punched a mailbox.

I'm against crime,
and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I can't get through
to the cable company.

Can you do something?

- Like what?
- Anything.

Andy's just acting out scenes
from his favorite movies.

So Swayze runs,
boom!

Tackles the guy
off the motorcycle.

Dude's like, "you're dead, bro!"
Comes at him.

Swayze ducks, scissor kick.
Sha!

The guy has Swayze's head.

And he says, "I used to [Bleep]
guys like you in prison."

By the looks
of this guy,

this is not consensual sex
we're talking about.

We see bad guy

had a gun
the whole time.

He's like, "I'ma kill you
the old-fashioned way."

Swayze's like,
"not this time."

That's subtext.
He doesn't say that.

Bypasses the gun,
hooks the arm.

Back to the secret move
he used before

to kill somebody,
he feels so bad about it.

But this time he has to do it
because it's self-defense.

K-k-k-kah!

Takes the esophagus
out of the neck area.

You can't eat.
You'll starve to death.

And that is Road House.

What should I do next?

Leslie Knope.

This question is about
Pawnee's park system.

Why is Ramsett Park
so filthy and awful?

It's difficult to get
into the complicated problems

with Ramsett Park in such
a short amount of time.

- You have 20 seconds.
- Oh, my God, okay.

I will say that the parks
in Pawnee--

I do have an update
on your time allotment,

and that update is that
your time is almost gone.

I have no more time left?

Well, you had some time
when I started talking,

but by the time I finished,
your time was up.

Thank you very much.

- She's off her game.
- She's fine.

Mr. Newport, rebuttal.

I know this. If something is
dirty, we should clean it up.

Let's start there.

Right?

You know what, I had this
cleaning lady named Yolanda

who was very wise.

She basically raised me.

And one day she said,
"little Bobby,

I'm not going to clean
your room no mas."

And from that day on,
my room was gross.

Really bummed me out.

I think we should make
our parks

look like my room

after Yolanda
finally, you know,

gave in and cleaned it up
for me.

If I may, Joan.

That's a very sweet story,
Bobby,

but not all of us
have Yolandas

who can clean up
our room for us.

Some of us believe

that you need to roll up
your sleeves

and do the hard work
yourself.

I'd just like to say that,
like Leslie,

I don't have people
do my work for me.

Leslie and I do
our work ourselves.

My work, of course,
is having sex

with men and women
on camera.

Once again, Brandi and Leslie
are essentially the same person.

But Bobby Newport is
super handsome and charming,

so that means people
will probably vote for him

because there's no justice
in the world.

How do you respond
to Newport's claim

that the city parks
need to be cleaned up?

Leslie Knope works tirelessly
every day,

so our parks can be
the best they can be.

78% of Pawneeans label
our parks "pristine."

And we all know
the better-looking a park is,

the more attention it will get
from lady parks

who want to have sex
with it.

Excuse us.

What the hell is wrong with you?

We're fighting
for our lives out there.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe the fact
that we just broke up,

and you're already riding
the Traeger train.

What are you talking about?

I saw you guys getting back
together. What about us?

What about us, Tom?

We're not together
any more

because you keep acting
like an ass.

I'm sorry.

I just act that way
sometimes...

Because I'm nervous,
and...

I feel like
you're out of my league.

But I'd do anything to get back
together with you.

Please.

Vote for me to be
your boyfriend.

Ben, he's winning.
How is he winning?

Everything he's saying
is nonsense,

and he's fooling them.

Okay, you're doing fine.

I need to go back
on the attack.

No! No, no, no, no, no.
See, okay.

When you attacked, you kind of
came off like a bully,

and he looked sympathetic,
so, you know,

y-you did a really good job
of easing off.

- Leslie, this is fun, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Well, there's no reason
on earth that I can think of

that we shouldn't have
concussion grenades

in our nation's
movie theaters.

By the year 2013,
we will have

a fully functional mall
on Jupiter.

Sure, I agree that movies
should be more faithful

to the books that
they are based on,

but what does that have
to do with this election?

All my movies
are based on books.

And anyone who even
rubs their hands

on a leather jacket

should be tried for murder.

I'm an American.
My father is an American.

My mother is an American.

My godfather is the viceroy

of the principality
of Liechtenstein.

Once again, people,
grenade launcher.

Daniel Craig.

No...
Timothy Dalton.

I was in favor of closing
the borders bookstore,

not the border to Mexico.

I guess my thoughts
on abortion are...

You know, let's just all
have a good time.

I don't care about that issue.
Just ask someone else.

For the record,
I'd appear in a film

with any
of my fellow candidates.

- Anteaters.
- Kill shot.

- Money shot.
- Fudgsicles.

Let's spend our money
on what matters.

Police, fire,

parks, and schools.

After a rough start,
your girl's doing okay.

Um, I think she's doing
a little better than okay.

Or did you miss
the applause

she got on
the raccoon safety question?

Oh, that was great.

That probably pulled her even
with Bobby.

I can't believe you're
so casual about this.

Don't you even want
to win the debate?

Oh, we're gonna win
the debate.

Got an ace in the hole.

- Little surprisey-wisey.
- What?

Oh, you'll see.
Hey, quick question.

Does that guy Chris Traeger
have a girlfriend,

and is his penis normal?

Stop talking.

You guys, uh, know anything
about a guy named John Rambo?

Open on villagers being
thrown out into a rice field.

Land mines blowing them up
into pieces.

After I steal
this cable feed,

I will repay the cable company
for the service we used.

This last question
before the break

is for Mr. Newport.

Uh, some--not me--have
criticized your involvement

with your father's
candy company Sweetums.

Would your affiliation
with big business

affect your decisions
as a city councilor?

I want to run this town
like a business.

My opponent, Leslie Knope,

has a very
anti-business agenda.

Recently, my dad told me
that if Leslie Knope

wins the election,

they'll probably have to
move Sweetums to Mexico.

That would be terrible,
of course.

Thousands of people
in this town

would lose their jobs,
and we all wouldn't have candy.

Now, I'm not saying
that is gonna happen,

but I do know this.

If I win...

I bet I could
get them to stay.

Wow. Shocking stuff.

We're gonna be back
with our closing statements

right after a word
from our sponsor, Sweetums,

Pawnee's biggest supplier
of candy and jobs.

Stick around.

So Sweetums is gonna
move to Mexico

if Bobby doesn't win?

How could they do that
to this town?

- What a crappy stunt to pull.
- One minute back.

What do we do?
I think we attack him.

He's more confident now.
I have to attack him.

And say what?
We didn't plan for this.

- What would you even say?
- I don't know.

I'll figure out
as I'm saying it.

Just let me attack him.
I want to attack him.

No, no, no, no.
It's too risky.

Just go with the closing
statement we rehearsed.

Add a line at the end
about how you're pro business,

and we'll deal with
the fallout tomorrow, okay?

What?
What's the matter with you?

I can do it.
I can crush him.

I promise.

Ah, screw it.
Go get him.

- Really?
- Kick his ass.

The final thing
these candidates will say

are their closing statements.

We will begin with our first
candidate to go, Bobby Newport.

How do we fix this town?
I have no idea.

You tell me.

That's what I'm counting on.
You telling me.

And that's how it ends.

I loved it.
It's called Babe.

And I know it sounds corny.
Talking pig. Whatever.

You should all see it.

I feel like I just did.

It's on.

And, Leslie Knope,
closing statement?

I'm very angry.

I'm angry
that Bobby Newport

would hold this town hostage

and threaten to leave

if you don't give him
what he wants.

It's despicable.

Corporations are not allowed
to dictate what a city needs.

That power belongs
to the people.

Bobby Newport and his daddy
would like you to think

it belongs to them.

I love this town.

And when you love something,
you don't threaten it.

You don't punish it.
You fight for it.

You take care of it.
You put it first.

As your city councilor,

I will make sure that no one
takes advantage of Pawnee.

If I seem too passionate,
it's because I care.

If I come on strong,
it's because I feel strongly.

And if push too hard,

it's because things aren't
moving fast enough.

This is my home.
You are my family.

And I promise you...

I'm not going anywhere.

Holy [Bleep], Leslie,
that was awesome.

Thanks, Bobby.

Yeah!
Play it. Woo-hoo!

Knope 2012!

Hyah! Hyah!

Ron!

What the voters
saw tonight

is an undeniable fact.

That one of these candidates
is right for this town,

and one of them is not.
Thanks, guys.

Ann Perkins!
Uh-oh.

I'm sorry, Chris.

It's very flattering.
I just--

I just don't think
it's a good idea.

It was worth a shot.

Well, I hope that
whoever you end up with

treats like you like
the amazing person that you are.

Thank you.

And I am going to go
run some stairs

and work through
these feelings.

- Is he sad?
- Oh, my God.

He looks sad.

I'm not going out
with Chris again.

Does that mean we're
getting back together?

No. I don't know.

No, not right now.

There's a chance
I'm never

gonna date anyone
ever again.

I'll take it.
And you know what else?

I'm coming for you, girl...

Just...Like...You...Want.

Just get out there
and spin, man.

You got it.

Leslie Knope is scrappy
like a terrier.

She's smoooooth
like a blended whiskey.

My girl has big ideas
and big feelings,

and she's not afraid
to express 'em.

- Was I too mean?
- No, you were perfect.

- Leslie!
- Hey!

- Oh, it was amazing.
- Oh, thank you.

Hey, how was the spin room?

It was a lot.
We'll talk about it.

Woo! We did it!
We did it!

Oh, my God, I was so nervous,
but we completely go through it.

I haven't felt this good
since I scored

that lacrosse goal
at state, seriously.

Hey, party at my dad's
lake house.

Bring whoever you want.

Scrawny Christians,
missionaries,

come to him, and they're like,
"Are you John Rambo?"

He's like, "yeah."

And they're like, "we need you
to take us upriver."

And he's like,
"it's a war zone up there."

And they're like,
"yeah, we know.

We're gonna change things."

And he's like, "you bringing
any weapons?"

They're like, "of course not."

"Then you're not
changing anything.

Go home."

And then they come back
in a rainstorm.

This time he says,
"nope. Go home."

They go home again.

Bottom line, they go upriver.
Does not go well.

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