Original subtitles

- IT'S MY NEW INTERVIEW OUTFIT.

LIKE, "HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.

CAN'T WAIT FOR THE INTERVIEW."

- UM, I--MAYBE THE H--

MAYBE THE HAT. - YEAH.

- LOSE THIS?

TO WIN AN ELECTION, YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD,

AND YOU HAVE TO BE LUCKY.

BUDDY WOOD HOSTS THE NUMBER-ONE MORNING SHOW

IN INDIANAPOLIS,

AND HE WANTS TO INTERVIEW ME FOR A SERIES HE'S DOING

ON LOCAL ELECTIONS.

AND LAST YEAR THE FIVE PEOPLE THAT HE PROFILED ALL WON.

THIS IS A HUGE BREAK FOR US.

- UM...HEY.

M-MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT A PAUSE ON THE FASHION SHOW.

WE HAVE TO GO OVER YOUR TALKING POINTS.

- KEEP GOING. I CAN STILL HEAR YOU.

- UM, OKAY, MS. KNOPE, WHAT IS GOING TO BE

YOUR FIRST MAJOR PUBLIC WORKS PROJECT?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I BET THESE PANTS WILL WORK FOR THE PUBLIC.

- WHOO! - YEAH, THOSE PANTS LOOK DOPE!

- RIGHT? - OH, MY GOD, THOSE LOOK GREAT.

AND I BET THEY LOOK EVEN BETTER ON BEN'S FLOOR.

- OH! - ARE YOU HITTING ON LESLIE...

FOR ME?

- WAIT A SECOND.

JUST TURN AROUND.

- WHAT?

- OH.

- IT SAYS "NYMPHO" ON THE BUTT

IN SILVER, SPARKLY LETTERS.

NYMPHO MEANS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO SEX,

AND SINCE IT'S ON THE BUTT,

THERE'S OTHER IMPLICATIONS AS WELL.

SO THOSE ARE A MAYBE.

[upbeat music]

*

- WHO WAS LAURA MULVEY?

- LAURA MULVEY WAS...

A GUY... - GIRL.

- RIGHT. WOMEN'S STUDIES.

THEY'RE ALL GIRLS.

LAURA MULVEY WAS A FEMINIST FILM CRITIC WHO...

WROTE A MAJOR ESSAY THAT HELPED SHIFT

THE ORIENTATION OF FILM THEORY

TO THE PSYCHOANALYTICAL FRAMEWORK!

TREAT, PLEASE.

I'M ABOUT TO TAKE MY FIRST-EVER FINAL

FOR MY WOMEN'S STUDIES CLASS.

TREAT!

- USUALLY, TESTS SCARE ME,

BUT THIS IS AN ORAL EXAM.

UH, AND IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW IS--

MY FANTASTIC-- IT'S TALK.

GOD, I DON'T KNOW. MAN, I'M SO NERVOUS.

I KNOW--I'M JUST GONNA CALL THE PROFESSOR,

AND THEN I'M GONNA GET ON THE PHONE

AND MAKE SOME FAKE BARFING SOUNDS,

AND THEN I'M JUST GONNA BAIL, SO GIVE ME MY PHONE.

- NO! ANDREW...

THAT'S NOW HOW GROWN-UPS HANDLE TOUGH SITUATIONS.

- WELL, I-- - WE FACE OUR FEARS HEAD-ON.

- TOLD YOU--IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT SOME WOMAN DID,

JUST TEAR UP AND SAY, "SHE CHANGED MY LIFE."

- AH, THAT'S A GOOD CALL.

- I THINK THIS IS IT.

BUT DO I NEED A HAT, LIKE A BOWLER,

OR AN EDGY SCARF?

NO, THOSE ENDLESS SCARVES

THAT COME OUT OF YOUR SLEEVES LIKE A MAGICIAN.

- UM...I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST GO WITH SOMETHING BASIC--

NO NONSENSE.

[cell phone rings]

MR. WOOD, HELLO.

- GOD, HE IS MORE TIGHTLY WOUND THAN EVER.

- MAYBE WE SHOULD SEE IF HE CAN PULL THAT ROD OUT OF HIS BUTT

AND WE CAN HANG SOME OF THOSE OUTFITS ON IT.

- [giggles]

- ANN AND I HAVE THE OCCASIONAL ROUGH PATCH

IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

BUT RIGHT NOW, WE'RE REALLY IN A GROOVE.

WE'VE GONE 30 HOURS WITHOUT BREAKING UP.

OUR PERSONAL BEST IS 47 HOURS.

IT HAPPENED WHEN SHE WAS OUT OF TOWN FOR TWO DAYS

AND SHE FORGOT WE WERE DATING.

- WELL, LET ME KNOW IF ANYTHING CHANGES.

THANK YOU.

[sighs]

INTERVIEW'S OFF. all: WHAT?

- BUDDY HAS TO FLY BACK TO INDIANAPOLIS EARLY--

SOMETHING ABOUT A FACTORY EXPLOSION.

- COME ON, DID ANYONE EVEN GET HURT?

SORRY.

- FIRST STROKE OF LUCK WE'VE HAD, AND IT'S GONE.

OKAY, WELL, WE JUST HAVE TO WORK HARDER.

I MEAN, GOOD NEWS IS, WE CAN CALL IT A NIGHT

AND GET A SUPER-EARLY START ON OUR DOOR-TO-DOOR TOMORROW.

- OOH, THAT IS GREAT NEWS.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE MIGHT EVEN BE ABLE TO MAKE IT BACK

IN TIME FOR BORING CLUB.

DO YOU KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT OR BORING CLUB IS?

- ME?

- NOPE... YOU LOST THE ELECTION

'CAUSE YOUR SPEECH WAS TOO BORING.

- HEY, WHY DON'T WE ALL GO GET A DRINK,

BLOW OFF SOME STEAM?

EVERYBODY'S BEEN WORKING SO HARD.

- UM...WELL, WE'RE IN THE HOMESTRETCH HERE,

AND LOSING THAT INTERVIEW DIDN'T HELP.

I'M GONNA GO OVER SOME POLLING NUMBERS

AND TURN IN EARLY.

I SUGGEST YOU DO THE SAME.

- HEY, LESLIE, GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME?

- AH, SCREW IT.

I GOT A NEW OUTFIT. MY HAIR LOOKS AMAZING.

AND I HAVE A SERIOUS EXCESS OF PRE-INTERVIEW ADRENALINE.

WHO'S GONNA DRINK WITH ME?

- OOH... - OH...

- SUSAN BRONWELL, OR B., ANTHONY--

WAS BORN IN ADAMS, MASSACHUSETTS, IN 1820,

AND SHE PLAYED A PIVOTAL ROLE

IN THE INSTITUTION OF WOMEN'S SUFFRAGE.

TREAT, PLEASE. - ANDY--ANDY, SLOW DOWN.

YOU'RE TAKING THIS CLASS PASS/FAIL.

SO I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A FREEWHEELING DISCUSSION

ABOUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU GOT FROM THE CLASS.

- OH. OKAY.

[chuckles] I WOULD SAY WHAT I FIND VERY COOL

ABOUT SUSAN B. ANTHONY IS...

HOW...

SHE WAS BORN IN ADAMS, MASSACHUSETTS,

IN 1820.

YOU KNOW?

JUST ONE MAN'S OPINION.

I PASSED! I GOT A "P"!

- CONGRATS, BABE. - YEAH! MMM!

I WAS HOPING FOR A P-PLUS, BUT THAT DOES NOT EXIST.

RIGHT? - RIGHT.

- YES, SO, BASICALLY, BEST GRADE IN THE CLASS--

TIED FOR THE BEST GRADE IN THE CLASS.

RON, I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE NOW.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT. - I'M A COLLEGE COURSE...

GRADUATE, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.

- IT'S MY PLEASURE, SON.

I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU.

HOW ABOUT A STEAK?

- YEAH! - YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD TIME.

- OH, PROFESSOR, WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US?

IS THAT COOL? - SURE.

- WE'LL LET YOU PAY FOR YOUR OWN FOOD,

BECAUSE OF EQUALITY.

- I GUESS NOW THAT THE CLASS IS OVER,

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

- ARE YOU GONNA WEAR THAT?

- OKAY, I'M CALLING IT.

I HAVE A DATE WITH MY BATHTUB,

A GLASS OF RED WINE,

AND A GIGANTIC FIREMAN NAMED MARCUS.

- I'M GONNA KEEP PLUGGING AWAY FOR A BIT.

- YOU DON'T MIND THIS WORK, DO YOU?

- UH-UH. I LIKE IT.

IT MAKES SENSE TO ME.

- MMM. THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

SHOULD WE GET ANOTHER ROUND?

- UM... I THINK WE SHOULD GET

A MORE BASIC, NO-NONSENSE BEVERAGE.

[laughter]

- UH...MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL JUST DRINK

SENSIBLE PORTIONS OF MILK.

- I MEAN, I LOVE HIM. IT'S JUST...

THIS CAMPAIGN HAS TURNED FUN, DORKY BEN

INTO GRUMPY, STRESS-BALL BEN. - MM.

- IT'S LIKE DEALING WITH A STRICT MOTHER

WHO I AM CONFUSINGLY ATTRACTED TO.

- MM. - BEN IS LIKE A MILF.

- YOU JUST NEED TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM.

HE SHOULD JUST GET THAT. - YEAH.

- YOU'RE LESLIE KNOPE! - RIGHT!

- NO ONE TAKES THIS MORE SERIOUSLY THAN YOU DO!

- TELL ME ABOUT IT! - YES!

- TEQUILA SHOTS? all: OHH!

- TO KNOPE 2012.

- MM.

- AHH.

- DING-DONG.

[cell phone rings] OH.

HELLO. LADY KNOPE.

I MEAN LESLIE KNOPE.

- HEY. - OH, HEY, BEN.

- WHERE ARE YOU?

- I'M IN, UH, THE HOUSE WATCHING TV RIGHT NOW.

I'M WATCHING, UM... - MURDER SHE WROTE.

- MURDER SHE WROTE. I'M WATCHING MURDER SHE WROTE.

- AMAZING NEWS--BUDDY WOOD'S FLIGHT WAS DELAYED.

SO, IF WE CAN GET TO THE AIRPORT RIGHT NOW,

THE INTERVIEW'S BACK ON.

- WHAT? WOW!

WHAT COULD BE WRONG WITH THAT?

NOTHING.

ANYWAY, HERE COMES ME...

TO THE AIRPORT. - GREAT.

I'LL SEE YOU THERE... AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

- OKAY, BYE.

THE INTERVIEW IS BACK ON!

- WHOO! YES! - I KNOW!

WE ARE SO "DRUCKY." I MEAN "LUNKY."

- OKAY, BOTH THE CABS IN THIS TOWN ARE BUSY.

BUT I STILL HAD EIGHT HOURS RENTAL TIME

ON THAT HOT-TUB LIMOUSINE THAT I GOT FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN EVENT,

AND IT'S ON ITS WAY. - THAT'S SMART.

YOU'RE SMART.

both: DIDDLY DIDDLY DIDDLY DIDDLY SWAG.

- YOU DID IT RIGHT! - I DID IT RIGHT.

- AH! - HA HA!

- 33 HOURS.

- OKAY, LOOK, THIS INTERVIEW IS A BIG DEAL, YOU GUYS.

THIS IS A GAME CHANGER, OKAY? I HAVE TO DO WELL.

- LISTEN, LET'S DO PRACTICE INTERVIEW...

- BIG IDEA, ANN.

- AND SEE HOW YOU DO. - LET'S GO.

- [Russian accent] LESLIE, IN YOUR HUMBLE OPINION...

- [laughing] - WHAT?

- WHY ARE YOU FROM RUSSIA? - I DON'T KNOW.

- HEY, RON IS THE GUY I WROTE ABOUT

FOR THAT PAPER ON POSITIVE MALE ROLE MODELS.

- OH, YEAH, THAT WAS ONE OF YOUR MOST READABLE PAPERS.

ACCORDING TO ANDY, YOU'RE QUITE THE FEMINIST.

- I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF AN ANYTHING-IST,

BUT MY LIFE HAS BEEN SHAPED BY POWERFUL WOMEN.

MY FATHER ONCE TOLD MY MOTHER

THAT WOMAN WAS MADE FROM THE RIB OF ADAM,

AND MY MOM BROKE HIS JAW.

MY UNCLE LON ONCE TRIED TO...

- IS THAT CHRIS?

- YOU KNOW, IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE HIM.

BUT THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE.

WE SHOULD ASK HIM TOMORROW.

- HEY.

- APRIL LUDGATE.

- WHY ARE YOU HERE EATING ALONE?

- I'M NOT. I'M SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS...

FRIENDS I DON'T KNOW YET.

AND I'M ENGROSSED IN THIS BOOK.

IT'S THE TRUE STORY OF A WOMAN BORN

WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS

WHO ATTEMPTED TO SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL.

- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. - OH, SHE DROWNED IMMEDIATELY.

IT'S KIND OF A SAD STORY.

- COOL.

I'M OVER THERE WITH PEOPLE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW...

IF YOU WANT TO COME JOIN US.

- THANK YOU.

BYE, FRIEND.

- BYE.

- I'M SORRY, MARCUS, I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL OUR BATH.

SOMETHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING.

I WANT TO WATCH IT.

I DON'T KNOW, MARCUS.

I'LL HIT YOU UP WHEN I HIT YOU UP.

- WOW, I FEEL TOTALLY NORMAL. I'M READY TO DO THIS.

- THANK YOU FOR ACCOMMODATING US ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

- HEY, FOR LESLIE KNOPE, ANYTIME.

JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE, ALL RIGHT?

- THANKS, PAUL. HEY, YOU GOT THOSE NEW I.D. BADGES.

- THEY FINALLY UPGRADED US--

SECURITY SWIPE AND EVERYTHING. - WOW, LOOK AT THAT.

- [laughs] YEAH. - SORRY.

- HEY, THANKS AGAIN FOR FIGHTING FOR THEM.

- "HELPY" TO HOP OUT.

- LESLIE KNOPE. BUDDY WOOD.

- BUDDY WOOD. - GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

- GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE,

AND WELCOME TO THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD.

- OH. [laughs]

OH, I'M SORRY. YOU'RE BEING SERIOUS.

WE'RE SETTING UP OVER THERE, FOUND A SMALL PIECE OF CARPET

WITHOUT A HORRIFYING SMELLSCAPE.

- I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

HEY, DO I SEEM NORMAL TO YOU?

LIKE, DOES EVERYTHING SEEM FINE?

- YEAH, YEAH--YOU SEEM FINE. - I SEEM OKAY?

- UH-HUH. - I DON'T SEEM DISTRACTED

OR BABBLY OR ANYTHING?

- NO, IT'S GREAT. SO YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.

- YOU'RE GONNA DO SMART. - WHAT'S THAT?

- LOOK WHO I FOUND. - HI.

- PROFESSOR LINDA, THIS IS CHRIS.

CHRIS, THIS IS... - PROFESSOR LINDA?

IT IS A GENUINE PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

- OH, YOU AS WELL. - HI, THERE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OUR SPECIALS?

- NO NEED.

PORTERHOUSE, RARE, QUICKLY.

- SAME.

- I'LL HAVE THE, UH, SPINACH SALAD.

WHAT KIND OF DRESSINGS DO YOU HAVE?

- OH! LINDA, IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED,

I BROUGHT MY OWN DRESSING.

- YOU REALLY CAN'T BE DOING THAT.

- WELL, THIS IS THE LAST TIME. I PROMISE.

IT CONTAINS EXTRA-VIRGIN OLIVE OIL,

A LITTLE BIT OF LEMON, AND HINT OF TURMERIC.

- SOUNDS GREAT.

- PAWNEE, INDIANA,

HOME TO THE SWEETUMS CANDY CORPORATION,

19 TOXIC-WASTE REPOSITORIES, AND NOT MUCH ELSE.

THIS SLEEPY MINI-METROPOLIS

IS THE SITE OF A FASCINATING CITY COUNCIL RACE.

JOINING US TODAY IS ONE OF THE CANDIDATES, LESLIE KNOPE.

LESLIE, WELCOME... TO GOOD MORNING.

- IT'S MY PLEASURE.

THANK YOU FOR BEING ON MY SHOW.

- LESLIE, WE'RE HERE AT THE PAWNEE MUNICIPAL AIRPORT,

WHICH I MUST ADD IS... RATHER DECREPIT.

- WELL, I'M GLAD YOU MENTIONED IT.

IT IS IN DESPERATE NEED OF REFURBISHMENTS.

AND THAT IS WHY I'M GOING TO MAKE IT A CENTERPIECE

OF MY PLATFORM. - OKAY.

- TAKE, UH... JOE APPLEDEMAS OVER THERE.

JOE, SAY HI.

- HELLO.

- JOE HAS BEEN WORKING HERE SINCE 1996,

AND HIS SALARY HAS NOT BEEN RAISED A NICKEL.

I AM GONNA WORK VERY HARD TO CHANGE--

- OKAY, THIS AIRPORT SEEMS TO ME LIKE A METAPHOR.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM?

PAWNEE'S AIRPORT IS SYMBOLIC OF THE TOWN--

OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF DATE, PERHAPS,

LOST, INSIGNIFICANT,

AND SAD.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

- WELL, GRANTED,

WE DON'T HAVE BIG-CITY AMENITIES,

BUT I THINK WE MORE THAN MAKE UP FOR IT

WITH FRIENDLY FACES AND HAND-WORKING HARDS--

HARDWORKING HANDS.

- IF YOU SAY SO. I SAY IT'S SAD.

MOVING ON...

- OH, MY GOD.

IF THEY GOT TOGETHER,

THEY WOULD MAKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SUPER BABY.

IT WOULD RULE US ALL.

BUT WHAT IF SUPER BABY BECAME TOO POWERFUL?

- I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TAKE THAT CHANCE.

CHRIS GOT DUMPED BY JERRY'S DAUGHTER.

HE NEEDS THIS.

PLUS, IF THEY GET MARRIED,

HE'LL SPEND ALL HIS TIME WITH HER,

AND I MIGHT NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN.

HMM.

PROFESSOR LINDA, YOU HAVE...

REALLY NICE ARMS.

- OH? - DO YOU WORK OUT?

- I WAS GONNA SAY THE EXACT SAME THING.

BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT I WAS OBJECTIFYING YOU

WITH MY MALE GAZE.

MAY I SEE?

- OH, SURE.

- OH, MY GOOD GRACIOUS. YOU HAVE...

EXTRAORDINARY CAPUT LATERALE. - THANK YOU.

- THERE'S NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN PHYSICAL HEALTH.

- I AGREE. - KENDRA?

- YES? - YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AM GONNA HAVE THAT THIRD STEAK AFTER ALL.

GO AHEAD AND PUT THAT ORDER IN NOW, PLEASE, AND THANK YOU.

- YOUR CAMPAIGN HIT A SNAG OF SORTS,

WITH THE REVELATION THAT YOU AND YOUR BOSS, BEN WYATT,

WERE HAVING UNE AFFAIRE DE COEUR--

AFFAIR OF THE HEART.

- WELL, I'VE DISCUSSED THAT MANY TIMES,

AND THERE'S REALLY NOTHING MORE TO SAY.

I WOULD RATHER TALK ABOUT THE WAYS

TO SOLVE PROBLEMS IN THIS TOWN.

- [chuckles] GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

BUT GETTING BACK TO YOUR AFFAIR WITH BEN WYATT,

WHO'S NOW YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER...

- BUDDY, FRANKLY, I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS THAT.

BUT IF YOU'D LIKE, WE CAN TALK ABOUT WAYS

THAT I CAN IMPROVE THE AIRPORT OR OUR MANY WONDERFUL PARKS.

- I DON'T.

I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT YOU AND BEN WYATT.

- UH-OH. I KNOW THAT LOOK.

- SHE'S GOT THE CRAZY EYES. - YEAH.

- WELL, LIKE I SAID,

I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS IT, BUDDY,

AND, FRANKLY, I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR CONDESCENDING TONE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE HAD A COUPLE DRINKS, SO WHAT THE HELL?

BEN AND I FIRST...

- I'M SORRY, MS. KNOPE,

ARE YOU INEBRIATED?

- WHAT? NO. PREPOSTEROUS.

ARE YOU INE-- [hiccups]--EBRIATED?

THAT WAS BAD TIMING.

THIS IS A BUDDY WOOD FIRST-- AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

WITH POTENTIAL CITY COUNCILWOMAN LESLIE KNOPE,

WHO APPEARS TO BE DRUNK RIGHT NOW ON CAMERA.

- I AM NOT DRUNK.

YES, WHEN YOU HAVE A JUMBO MARGARITA

AND SOME FLAMING TEQUILA SHOTS, YOU CAN GET DRUNK.

- IS IT THIS SAD, PATHETIC TOWN

THAT MAKES YOU DRINK THIS WAY?

- THISINTERVIEW IS OVER. - OKAY, MS. KNOPE.

[chuckles] OH--

- THIS--THIS IS NOT BECAUSE I'M DRUNK.

THIS IS BECAUSE OF THE WIRE.

- A FITTING END TO A BIZARRE INTERVIEW

AND A SAD MOMENT

IN A DEPRESSING CITY WITH NO HOPE,

IN THE WANING MOMENTS OF THE BITTER SAGA

THAT HAS BEEN A CONTENTIOUS CAMPAIGN.

- COME ON, BUDDY, YOU CANNOT AIR THAT TAPE.

- ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS IS AS GREAT FOR ME

AS IT IS TERRIBLE FOR YOU.

THE SHEEP THAT WATCH MY SHOW

ARE GONNA EAT THIS UP LIKE TIRAMISU.

TIRAMISU IS AN ITALIAN DESSERT OFTEN--

- I KNOW WHAT TIRAMISU IS, OKAY?

AND SHEEP DON'T EAT IT. - SORRY, BUT...

TOMORROW MORNING THIS GETS BROADCAST

AROUND THE ENTIRE INDIANA-SPHERE.

- THANK YOU FOR CELEBRATING

THE MOST ULTIMATE TRIUMPH OF MY LIFE.

I'M VERY PROUD OF ME, AND YOU ARE TOO.

AND, PROFESSOR, I'M TAKING YOUR CLASS AGAIN NEXT SEMESTER.

AND I'M GONNA LOCK DOWN THAT P-PLUS.

- IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

- YOU AND THE WOMEN TAUGHT ME THAT NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

- I BETTER BE GOING.

I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY. - GOOD-BYE.

- I'M TEACHING A MORNING ZUMBA CLASS FOR RETIREES.

- [clears throat]

- BEFORE I DO,

LINDA, DO YOU ENJOY LAND KAYAKING?

IT'S QUITE FUN.

WELL, IT'S MORE GRUELING THAN FUN.

BUT I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE YOU.

- I'M REALLY FLATTERED,

BUT I JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP,

AND I THINK I NEED A LITTLE MORE TIME

BEFORE I JUMP INTO ANYTHING.

- OF COURSE. I UNDERSTAND.

- I'M SORRY. - I APPRECIATE YOUR CAUTION.

- THANK YOU. - I HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

GOOD-BYE, EVERYONE.

- ANYBODY WANT TO GO TO JJ'S FOR SOME AFTER-DINNER OMELETS?

- OR HOW ABOUT YOU AND I GO BACK TO MY PLACE?

- YES.

- WOW!

- BEN, I AM SO SORRY.

- LET'S JUST FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM.

NOW, IF WE DON'T STOP THAT INTERVIEW

FROM AIRING IN THE MORNING, THIS CAMPAIGN IS DEAD.

SO...

WE HAVE TO GO TO INDIANAPOLIS.

- AND DO WHAT? - I DON'T KNOW, TOM.

I GUESS WE'LL JUST SET FIRE TO THE STUDIO OR SOMETHING.

- AH, THAT'S SO SWEET-- I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND

THREATEN TO COMMIT ARSON FOR ME BEFORE.

- AH, IT GETS OLD.

- WE STILL HAVE SIX HOURS OF RENTAL TIME

ON THE HOT-TUB LIMO.

WE COULD TAKE THAT.

NO ONE WOULD HAVE TO DRIVE ALL NIGHT.

- THAT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD IDEA.

- PLUS, IT ALLOWS FOR THE POSSIBILITY

OF HIGH-SPEED SKINNY-DIPPING.

- UGH. [scoffs]

- ANN, I WAS JOKING. COME ON, IT WAS A JOKE.

- [chuckling] IT WAS FUNNY.

- WHERE WE GOING, FOLKS--

DRIVE AROUND, HIT THE STRIP CLUBS?

- YEAH! - NO.

WE'RE GOING TO THIS ADDRESS IN INDIANAPOLIS.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

- YOU KNOW, NO ONE EVER USED THIS HOT-TUB LIMO

FOR ACTUAL TRANSPORTATION.

AND I CAN'T TAKE THIS THING ON THE HIGHWAY,

SO IT'LL TAKE A FEW EXTRA HOURS.

- [grunts]

- HEY, IS THIS A SEVEN OR A ONE?

- [sighs]

- JERRY.

JERRY!

MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRAP IT UP. IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

- IS IT REALLY?

[laughing] OH, MY GOSH.

WOW. WELL, THAT FLEW BY, HUH?

I WILL JUST TAKE THESE DOWN TO THE POST OFFICE

AND, UH, PUT THE, UH...

OH, JEEZ. OH, NO.

I PUT THE HANDOUT FLYERS IN THE MAILING ENVELOPES,

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO PUT THESE FLYERS IN THE ENVELOPES.

- OH...

MY GOD.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY.

IT AIN'T GOVERNMENT WORK IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT TWICE.

HERE WE GO!

[whistling]

I'LL MAKE SOME COFFEE.

- HEY, YOU'RE BLOCKING MY DRIVEWAY.

[knocking on glass]

LESLIE KNOPE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - HI, UM...

MR. WOOD, I'M SO SORRY.

WE--OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T SEE. IT'S SO BRIGHT OUT HERE.

- OHH. - WE DROVE HERE TO ASK YOU--

NO, TO BEG YOU TO PLEASE DESTROY THAT TAPE.

- YEAH, I GOT YOUR 50 MESSAGES.

- LESLIE WAS JUST OUT WITH HER FRIENDS BLOWING OFF SOME STEAM.

- WHAT? - PLEASE. PLEASE.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

THAT'S FIVE PLEASES.

- AS MUCH AS I ENJOY THE GROVELING,

I CAN'T DESTROY THE TAPE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE IT,

BECAUSE YOUR SAD, TINY BACKWATER AIRPORT

LOST MY BAGS.

- OH, REALLY?

- YOU'D THINK A COMMUTER AIRPORT

COULD HANDLE THE LUGGAGE OF 11 PEOPLE AT ONCE,

BUT APPARENTLY NOT.

COMPLETELY RUINED A GREAT STORY.

THANK GOD FOR THAT MITTEN FACTORY TRAGEDY.

- YEAH. - MM.

- GOD, THAT'S... - OKAY.

- GREAT. UH... - WE SHOULD--YEAH.

- WE'RE GONNA GO. - GOOD-BYE.

- AH, SCREW IT.

- YAY! [all cheer]

FUN BEN LIVES.

[all cheer]

- [whistling]

APRIL, ANDREW...

GOOD MORNING TO YOU BOTH.

DOUGHNUTS-- GO NUTS.

[Ron and Andy laughing]

HEY, YOU KIDS NEED ANY MONEY?

- NO. - GO BUY YOURSELF A WALKMAN.

HOW MUCH IS A WALKMAN NOWADAYS?

PROBABLY MORE THAN $20. HERE'S $25.

- HI, GUYS, I JUST WANTED TO COME BY

AND THANK YOU FOR A PHENOMENAL EVENING.

- YEAH, SEEMS LIKE WE ALL HAD A PHENOMENAL EVENING.

- AND I SHOULD PROBABLY THANK YOU

FOR INTRODUCING ME TO LINDA.

I THINK WE HAD A DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

THAT IS VERY WORTH EXPLORING.

SO I'M GONNA ASK HER OUT AGAIN...

WHEN SHE'S EMOTIONALLY READY.

- HMM. - HEY, RON...

GREAT RED SHIRT.

- DUDE, RON...YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED.

- WHY? IT'S NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.

- BECAUSE HE'S BEEN SUPER SAD LATELY.

IT KIND OF SEEMS LIKE YOU SHOULD AT LEAST GIVE HIM A HEADS-UP

SO HE DOESN'T GET REJECTED AGAIN.

- I LIKE TO NOT GET INVOLVED IN THESE MATTERS

OR ANY MATTERS OF ANY NATURE.

- UH, YOU KNOW, RON, SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME

THAT THIS IS NOT HOW GROWN-UPS DEAL WITH TOUGH SITUATIONS.

WE FACE THEM HEAD-ON.

- [groans]

FINE.

- OH, MY GOD, RON...

IT WAS YOU WHO TOLD ME THAT.

THAT'S CRAZY.

[knock at door]

- THERE'S THAT SHIRT.

- LOOK, CHRIS...

AFTER THE BAR LAST NIGHT,

I...

ENGAGED IN CONSENSUAL ACTIVITIES WITH LINDA.

- I SEE. - I DIDN'T PLAN IT.

BUT IT OCCURRED.

NOW YOU KNOW.

- WELL, THANK YOU FOR BEING FORTHRIGHT AND TELLING ME.

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, RON.

- [grunts]

- I'M QUITE LONELY.

- AH, [bleep].

- THEY SAY TO WIN AN ELECTION,

YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD, AND YOU HAVE TO BE LUCKY.

I GOT PRETTY DAMN LUCKY WHEN I MET BEN.

AND I'M LUCKY THAT ANN AND TOM

AND ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS VOLUNTEER TO HELP ME OUT.

AND I'M SUPER LUCKY THAT THAT TAPE DISAPPEARED.

I THINK WE MAY HAVE USED UP ALL OUR LUCK TONIGHT.

ACTUALLY, NOT ALL OF IT.

HE'S ABOUT TO GET LUCKY.

IT'S--IT'S ON.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT YET.

- HEY. - HEY, SWEETHEART.

I'M NOT SURE YOU'RE EVEN AWARE OF THIS,

BUT WE HAVE NOW GONE 48 HOURS WITHOUT BREAKING UP,

SHATTERING OUR PREVIOUS RECORD.

- THAT'S NOT BAD.

- TO CELEBRATE... - OH, PLEASE, DON'T.

WHATEVER THIS IS, I DON'T WANT IT.

- JUST A LITTLE 48-HOUR ANNIVERSARY GIFT.

- [sighs]

CONDOMS. - 48 OF 'EM.

DIFFERENT FLAVOR FOR EACH HOUR.

- YEAH, WE'RE NOT DATING ANYMORE, OKAY?

GET OUT. - NO, WAIT. DON'T PUNISH ME.

I TOOK A RISK. - YEAH. BYE.

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