All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s04e09 The Trial of Leslie Knope.eng

April!

Listen, I was trying to buy

this hand-crafted
mahogany wood model

of a B-25 Mitchell
Panchito aircraft.

- Aw, for me?
- Don't sass me.

And I went to this website,
and this ad popped up

that said "Hey, Ron Swanson!

Check out this great offer."

What's your question?

My question is,
what the hell?

Like, how did they know
who you are?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Um, there are these things
called cookies,

where, like you go to a site
and buy something,

it'll remember you
and then create ads

for other stuff
you might want to buy.

So it learns information?
About me?

That seems like an invasion
of privacy.

Dude, if you think
that's bad,

go to Google Earth
and type in your address.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

The point is, Ben and I have been
dating on and off for about a year.

I am, of course, shocked...

And not just because Ben
usually prefers tall brunettes.

We're very sorry

for the position
this puts you in.

What's happening?

Are you hugging me,
or are we fighting?

Are you hugging or fighting?
Let me know.

Neither of those things.

I love both of you.

You are exemplary
government employees.

"Exemplary"? That's the word
we were thinking of.

- Well, it's true.
- Isn't it?

Which makes what
I'm about to say even sadder.

Then don't say it.

I'm launching
a full investigation

into the extent
of your wrongdoing.

Please report Monday first thing
to the council chambers

for your ethics trial
and subsequent punishment.

I told you
we'd feel better.

Hey.

It's 6:30 in the morning.

Your hearing doesn't start
for another two hours.

Well, I wanted
to get here early,

you know,
get a feel of the room.

- So you got here--
- 3:00 A.M.

I couldn't sleep anyway.

Well, I wanted to sneak in
before you got here--

an absurd pipe dream
I now realize was impossible.

Is that a present for me?

Yeah.
What do you think?

Li'l Sebastian.

Yeah, I had him made for you
at the toy store.

Aw, thank you so much
for making my life so wonderful.

- You're welcome.
- I was talking to him.

- Of course.
- But also to you.

Thanks.

I wish we could go
through this together.

Look, it's going to be okay.

You're just gonna get
a slap on the wrist,

maybe a brief suspension.

That's not okay.

That's gonna go
on my permanent record.

I'm not the kind of person
that has a permanent record.

For me, a slap on the wrist
is like a kick to the nuts.

I know it is.

What's gonna happen to you?

Don't worry about me.

Well, look, I'll be outside
all day,

right on the other side
of that wall.

So, if you miss me,
you just look at this...

Wrinkled, hideous monster

and you'll know
I'm sitting there

- rooting for you, okay?
- Okay.

All right.

- Go.
- Okay.

Marcus Everett Langley
was Pawnee's greatest lawyer

at the turn of the century.

His nickname
was "Old Stone Face"

because of his steely demeanor

and because he got in
an accident at the rock quarry

and dynamite blew up his face.

Leslie Knope!
Good morning!

It is snowing outside.
Isn't that great?

You seem like
you're in a good mood.

Actually,
I'm quite miserable.

I admire and respect you,

and dragging you
through an ethics trial

is filling me with sadness.

I have never felt so low.

Well, you're radiating
pure joy.

I went to my herbalist
and got two B-12 shots.

And then I ate an unreasonable
amount of St. John's wort,

and my herbalist took
this weird bee pollen paste

rubbed it around my gums.

And now my mouth feels
like a spaceship.

This is stressful.

And stress
leads to depression.

And if I don't mantain an extremely
high dosages of herbal remedies,

I will get very depressed.

Oh, God.

It's happening right now.

We are here today to determine
whether Leslie Knope

violated any municipal rules
or laws

due to her romantic
relationship

with her superior Ben Wyatt,

whose hearing
will be held tomorrow.

Would you like to make
a statement at this time?

Yes.

I freely admit
to the relationship,

and I will not be fighting
the charges

that we violated Chris' rule.

But we did nothing else wrong
or unethical.

In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle
exposed her elbow outdoors,

which was a class "A" felony.

Although she felt
the law unjust,

she acknowledged
that she had broken it,

and she nobly accepted
her punishment--

to be set adrift
on Lake Michigan

like a human popsicle.

Look how calm she looks.
That's how I feel--

totally zen.

Ms. Knope, on what day

did your relationship
with Ben Wyatt begin?

Last May, at your request,
Ben and I drove to Indianapolis

to bid for the state
little league tournament.

The night we returned
was the first time

we kissed each other
on each other's mouths.

It was excellent.

That was unnecessary to add.
I'm sorry. I'm nervous.

Next question--

did you ever receive
special treatment

as a result of your relationship
with Ben Wyatt?

I received adorable nicknames
and amazing back rubs.

Oh, you mean professionally.
No.

And did you break any local,
state, or federal law

in an effort to cover up your
relationship with Ben Wyatt?

Absolutely not.

Thank you.
Ms. Knope, that is all.

Mr. Traeger, this says you're
gonna be calling 14 witnesses.

Is that correct?

Uh, yes, sir.

14?
Why so many?

I've already admitted
that I broke your rule.

It's not my rule, Leslie.

It is an important rule
that exists in every government.

Romantic relationships

between superiors
and their employees

lead to fraud, corruption,
and misuse of public funds.

And you think
I'm guilty of that?

I think that you began
your relationship

with Ben Wyatt
earlier than you're saying.

I believe that you certainly
received special treatment,

and I think that you may even
be guilty of bribery.

None of those things
are true.

And I will prove it,
Mr. Traeger.

Okay, ten-minute break please.

Here you go, boss.

Okay, guys, we need
to counter every charge

that Chris has leveled
against me.

- Andy, I need evidence.
- Got it!

Wait! You don't know
what evidence.

Ah, right on. Yes.
Hit me.

Next to my desk is a picture
of a female politician--

Bella Abzug.

Get the key that's taped
to the back of that picture.

It opens up
my bottom desk drawer

in there are some files--
pay attention.

Where are you looking?
Look here, focus here.

Get the files in the drawer,

and then get all the file boxes
in the office.

Put the files in the drawer.
Let's go.

- No.
- Okay, I'll go with him.

Thank you.
Ron, Chris has 14 witnesses.

I need you to talk
to all the department heads

and find out
who's gonna testify.

I don't know the names
of the other department heads.

I'll go with him. Seriously?
With the men in this office?

- Ann?
- Yeah?

I need you to text me
every 30 seconds

- that everything's gonna be okay.
- Okay.

Thanks, Ann!

I broke one rule, and I will
accept a slap on the wrist.

But when you sit back and let
your reputation be destroyed.

You go down in history
as a frozen whore.

I'm fighting.

Hey, grab my computer.
I'm all set.

- Great. You're up next.
- How is Ben? Is he sad?

- You need to cheer him up, Ann.
- Ben is fine.

He says he's sorry
he's not in here.

He said to look
at the monster.

I'm hoping you know
what that means.

There's a rumor going around
that Chris has a killer witness.

How? Why?
That makes no sense.

There's no killer witness,

because we didn't do
anything wrong--

unless someone's planning
to lie or slander us.

Okay, just to be safe, find out
who it is and silence him.

- With pleasure.
- Wait. Let me make it clear.

Don't silence him.
Just make sure he can't talk.

Okay, we're back.

Clear this chamber, please.

Ms. Perkins,
Chris Traeger has questioned

when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt began.

I'd like to direct you
to your inbox

and specifically an
email entitled "yay".

That's Y-A and 18 "Y"s
and 44 exclamation points.

Yes, it is an email
from you.

Oh, and there's an attachment.

Mm.
Intriguing.

Could you play
the attachment, please?

Sure.

In a world on the brink

of financial meltdown...

In a town
unlike any other...

An adorable man
with a cute face

and the future president
of the United States--

what?--

went from being friends

to being so much more.

Ann! Ben and I hooked up
last night! Aah!

And I learned
how to use iMovie.

Call me later! Bye!

So what was the date
you received that email?

- Uh, May 12th.
- May 12th...

The day after we returned
from Indianapolis.

Mr. Haverford,

would you consider
Leslie Knope a good employee?

Did Tom Ford turn around
the House of Gucci?

I do not know, but I'll
assume that that is a yes.

How long were you two lovers?

- Excuse me?
- Oh, God.

Last march, I witnessed

Leslie Knope
and Tom Haverford

engaged in a passionate
yet tender kiss.

It seems that Ms. Knope
has a pattern

of becoming involved
with her co-workers.

Tom, will you please tell
the committee

why we were kissing?

An online dating site
randomly paired us up.

So, as a joke,
I thought it would be funny

to pretend
you and I were dating.

And then you kissed me
as a joke...

To shut me up.

But we never had any other
romantic contact after that.

No, that would be like dating
my older sister's elderly aunt.

No, it wouldn't.

Well, we've been at it
for hours.

And I did have some problem
with my character witnesses.

I don't know why
Leslie Knope's on trial.

Ethel Beavers did it!

- Beavers did it!
- Sit down.

I will hold myself
in contempt of the court!

Is this about the laptop?
I didn't mean to steal it.

I took it home, and I spaced.
I forgot.

I'm gonna bring it back.

It totally works, but I got
spaghetti in the keyboard.

What laptop?

Objection.

But other than that,
I think I'm winning.

I've refuted every one
of Chris' claims so far.

I have here a receipt
from Pawnee Supersuites Motel.

Leslie Knope submitted
that receipt for reimbursement.

Taxpayers' money is not meant
to be spent on a romantic getaway.

Donna, will you please
describe what we were wearing

the evening you saw us?

Um, khakis
and button-down shirts--

your basic
white people clothes.

And when you walked into
the room, what did it look like?

Did it look like anything
romantic had happened?

Oh, hell, no.

I have ruined my share
of hotel rooms,

and trust me, nothing sexual
happened in that room.

It kind of looked
like an office.

Maybe because
it was an office.

City Hall
was being fumigated,

and we need to pull
an all-nighter.

The only thing
that was ravaged

were these
federal grant proposals

that Donna had dropped off
earlier.

I've seen over 200 episodes
of Law & Order,

and it's paying off big-time.

And by the way,
we got the gramps--

grants.
God! Oh.

It was gonna be
such an awesome moment.

So, Ethel, you've been to a
million of these ethics trials.

- What do you think my chances are?
- I'd say it's 50/50.

You want to put money on it,
I'll give you 60/40 against.

Is it ethical
for a court stenographer

to bet on the outcome
of a hearing?

You tell me.

You're the one on trial.

Ron Swanson
to the stand, please.

Mr. Swanson,
there has been a question posed

about when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt ended.

Can you confirm
that you own a cabin

- at 930--
- Ah!

Stop, please.

I don't like to give out
my address to anyone,

much less have it
on an official record.

Ron, don't be ridiculous.
This is very important.

- Do you own a cabin--
- Ah!

9301 Cedarcrest Dr--

- 9301 Cedarcrest Dr--
- Beep!

I didn't hear that.

9301 Cedarcrest Drive!

She's here.

Who's here?

My ex-wife--Tammy two.

I can smell the sulfur
coming off her cloven hooves.

Good nose, Ron.
Tammy Swanson is here.

She'll be my next witness.

Tammy two is
your killer witness?

Please! You're gonna have
to do better--

Actually, she is
a terrifying sociopath

who could say or do anything--

A pretty good killer witness.

Ms. Swanson, do you,
as you claimed,

have evidence linking

Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt
to law breaking?

Absolutely.

I have several photographs

that will definitively prove--

May I remind you
that you are under oath,

and if you lie, I will fire you
and have you prosecuted.

Nothing.

They will definitively
prove nothing.

You cut me off.

I don't have any evidence.

Oh, Chris-- so silly.

Okay, bye, guys.

Leslie, have fun
with this trial.

Yay!

I think I've proven that
the only rule Ben and I broke

was dating each other.

And I am very happy
that I have not uncovered

any additional evidence
of unethical behavior.

But I-I do have
one last witness--

George Williams
from Public Works.

George Williams?
Who's--

Oh, George Williams--

He's just a maintenance worker,
NASCAR enthusiast, I believe.

And, oh, interesting tidbit--

I once bribed him to keep
my relationship with Ben quiet.

You're saying that you saw
Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope

kissing at Li'l Sebastian's
memorial?

Yeah!

Can you identify Leslie Knope
in this chamber?

- She's right there.
- Right--

And what happened
after this incident?

Well, I got real nervous.

They came up to me, and they
told me to forget what I saw.

What you saw was not
what you think it is.

I have a gift certificate,
actually, for you.

Oh, my God.

And then they gave me
a $50 gift certificate

to a spa and said...

And thank you
for your discretion.

- And did you use it?
- Yeah.

I got a facial.

My wife said my skin
was luminous.

That's enough.

Now, in order to cover up
their illicit affair,

Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope
bribed a city employee.

George, I notice
that you're wearing glasses,

yet on the day in question,

I don't recall you
wearing glasses.

Could it be because
you weren't wearing glasses?

I never wear 'em
on the job.

Can you take
your glasses off, please,

and read this for us?

"I could read this
if I weren't so blind."

Well, that went terribly.

I need to check
some facts and figures.

I would like to request
a 55-day recess.

You can have 30 minutes,

but we're nearing
the end here, Ms. Knope.

Okay, guys, my only hope is
that in one of these old books,

there's some weird, arcane
statute or government rule

that helps me.

So everybody grab a volume,
and let's just read up.

Okay, mine doesn't have
any pictures.

Does anyone have anything?
Did anybody find anything good?

In 1856, the city council
banned all sexual positions

except for missionary.

And two years later,
they banned missionary.

1882, should a presbyterian
speak out of turn,

he may be caned
across the shinbone.

Oh, my God.

Black people still can't legally
use city sidewalks.

Look, I know we're not
supposed to be seen together,

but I think Ben could be
really helpful with this.

- Can somebody go get him?
- All right, I'll go.

"Any woman caught laughing
is a witch."

That's true.

Um, he's not there.

No, he said he'd just be
on the other side of that wall.

- He's probably in the bathroom.
- All right, I'll find him.

This mural is called
Bad Pawnee, Good Pawnee.

All the terrible things
that have happened

in this town's history
are on one side.

And on the other side
are all the good things

that have happened.

I'm on the bad side.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am, Ron.

I'm guilty.
I did something bad.

I'm a bad person.

It's not that simple.

You know what makes
a good person good?

When a good person
does something bad,

they own up to it.

They try to learn something
from it, and they move on.

Guys, everybody stop reading--

no more loopholes,
no more fighting.

Are you sure, boss?

Yeah.
I know I let you down.

And I just want to say
I'm really sorry.

Leslie, what are you
talking about?

Yeah, this makes me
like you more.

Bribing someone to hide
a sexcapade--

I'm proud
to call you a friend.

And I always liked you.

Okay, we're back.

Clear the chamber, please.

I think I'm about
to get fired, Ron.

Ms. Knope, unless you have
any objections,

we'll be ending
this investigation

and moving on
to the punishment phase.

I have no objections.

We hereby hand down
the following judgment.

You will be suspended
for two weeks with pay.

- Just two weeks?
- Correct.

This concludes
the investigation.

I thought
I was gonna get fired.

I should've gotten fired.
Why didn't I get fired?

Ben asked for a private
meeting with the committee,

and he took full responsibility
for the bribe

and resigned,
effective immediately.

What?
Wait. Hang on.

You can't let him resign.

I tried to talk him
out of it, but...

His mind was made up.

Look, my job is to protect
the government

from fraud and corruption.

I was just doing my job.

I hope that
you can understand that.

I do.

Honestly, I do.

'Cause your actions
wounded me to my core,

which is not easy
since the bulk of my workouts

are focused
on core strengthening.

But we will get through this.
You are...

An excellent
government employee.

And more importantly,

you're the only person
I've ever met who's worthy

of being Ben's girlfriend.

I hope that's true.

You know, the meeting
that Ben and I had--

it's on the record.

You should take a look at the
last page of the transcript.

"Mr. Wyatt:
Chris, for God's sake,

"would you mind not jumping
for a while?"

Mr. Traeger:
"Sorry, Ben, but"...

This is how
I fight depression.

Okay, fine.
I'll stop.

Thank you.

Okay, so you are prepared

to resign,
effective immediately,

and take full responsibility
for all the events

that transpired
at Li'l Sebastian's memorial.

- "Mr. Wyatt: That is correct."
- That is correct.

"Mr. Traeger:
Okay, fine.

"This makes me sadder
than I previously thought

"humanly possible,
but I accept your resignation.

Can I ask you
one more question?"

Was all of this--
all the sneaking around,

the scandal,
losing your job--

Was it worth it?

Yes.

It was.

"Because I love Leslie.
I want to be with her.

"And I don't want to hide

"the way I feel
about her anymore.

"So, yeah, it was worth it,

"because I'm in love
with Leslie Knope.

"Mr. Traeger:
That was beautiful.

"I'm literally crying
and jumping.

"Crying noise,
crying noise, nose blow.

"Mr. Wyatt:
It's gonna be okay.

Mr. Traeger:..."

Oh.

Let it out, I guess.

"End transcript."

Hi, honey,
how was your day?

Oh, I've had better.

How about you?

I can't believe
you did that for me.

Well, I was pretty sure

it was gonna happen
one way or the other.

I hope it doesn't affect
your campaign.

Don't worry about that
right now.

There was a piece of testimony
that came out during the trial

that I think
you'd be interested in.

Ethel?

Ethel, could you please read
page 132

of the official testimony?

"Ethel Beavers:
The official record

"has now annoyingly
been reopened

"so that Leslie Knope
can make a statement.

"Leslie Knope: Let the record
state that I, Leslie Knope,

"love Ben Wyatt.

"I love him
with all of my heart.

"Did you get that?

Ethel Beavers:
Yes, I got it."

Thank you, Ethel.

Can I get a ride home?
It's freezing.

Can you please state your name
for the committee?

- Gary Gergich.
- Oh, God, Jerry.

You can't even get
your own name right.

Actually,
my real name is Gary.

Gary?

On my first day here,
the old director--

he called me Jerry,

and I just didn't think
I should correct him.

That's ridiculous.
Your name is Jerry.

No.

Legally my name is Gary.

Gary Gergich?

Jerry Gergich.

Gary Gergich.
Jerry Gergich.

Gary Gergich. Jerry--
God, they're both horrible.

But Jerry's better.
I'm gonna call you Jerry.

Okay, Jerry, do you remember
a time...

I'm sorry. I can't get
over the Gary/Jerry thing.

Neither can I.
Jerry, you can go.

We need a five-minute break.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

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