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1
00:00:00,634 --> 00:00:03,037
- TOM!
I WOULD LIKE YOU
2
00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,672
TO REDESIGN
OUR PARKS DEPARTMENT LOGO.
3
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,140
- SOUNDS COOL SO FAR.
4
00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:09,677
- RETHINK OUR VISUAL BRAND,
TAKE THESE WORDS,
5
00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:12,413
AND MAKE
SOMETHING AMAZING.
6
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,182
- SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU WANT ME
TO CHOOSE A NEW FONT?
7
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,484
- YES, ESSENTIALLY I'D LIKE
YOU TO CHOOSE A NEW FONT.
8
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,119
JERRY, I AM MAKING YOU
MY NUMBER-TWO GUY
9
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:19,587
ON THE NEW FONT PROJECT.
10
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,755
- COME ON, THAT'S TOO CLOSE.
LET'S MAKE HIM A NUMBER-THREE.
11
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,257
- FAIR ENOUGH.
JERRY, YOU'RE NUMBER THREE.
12
00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:25,226
- THERE'S ONLY TWO OF US.
13
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:28,362
- HE HAS BEEN
IN THIS DEPARTMENT A LONG TIME.
14
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,064
I THINK MAYBE YOU COULD
LEARN SOMETHING FROM HIM.
15
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:33,567
- [laughs]
16
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:34,568
- [laughs]
17
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,604
- [laughs]
18
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,706
[laughter]
19
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,709
[triumphant music]
20
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:49,750
*
21
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,362
- OUR RESEARCH SHOWS
THAT OUR PARK
22
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,697
WILL DRAW
5,000 VISITORS A YEAR,
23
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,800
AND I WANT THIS TO BE
THE MOST AMAZING, AWE-INSPIRING,
24
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,536
FUN-FILLED PARK
EVER CONCEIVED.
25
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,204
- NOW HOW BIG
IS THE PARK, EXACTLY?
26
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:15,476
- IT IS .000003
27
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:16,744
SQUARE MILES.
28
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,746
RECENTLY, THE LAST REMAINING
TELEPHONE BOOTHS
29
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,481
IN PAWNEE WERE TORN DOWN,
30
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:21,749
AND ON THAT
PATCH OF CONCRETE,
31
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:24,485
I AM CREATING PAWNEE'S
NEWEST TOURIST ATTRACTION:
32
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,587
THE SMALLEST PARK
IN INDIANA.
33
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,189
THE TITLE
IS CURRENTLY HELD
34
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:30,124
BY MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. PARK
IN TERRYVILLE,
35
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:31,359
BUT GUESS WHAT?
36
00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:35,263
TERRYVILLE SUCKS OLD CAR TIRES,
AND SO DOES MARTIN LUTHER--
37
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,232
NO, HE DOES NOT
SUCK OLD CAR TIRES.
38
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:40,234
HE WAS ONE OF
THE GREATEST MEN IN HISTORY.
39
00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:43,604
I'M SORRY.
SOMETIMES I GET COMPETITIVE.
40
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,873
- HAS THERE BEEN ANY RESISTANCE
FROM THE COMMUNITY?
41
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:47,241
- NO, NOT AT ALL.
42
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:48,509
IT'S SO SMALL
WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO DO
43
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,311
AN ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT.
44
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:53,181
IT'S INEXPENSIVE,
IT BENEFITS THE TOWN,
45
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:54,548
IT'S A TOTAL SLAM DUNK.
46
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,650
- YOU TWO, WHEN YOU WORK
ON A PROJECT TOGETHER,
47
00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:58,752
ARE SIMPLY AMAZING.
48
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,688
GREAT JOB, TEAM.
49
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:02,423
- MAN, ALL THESE CLASSES
LOOK AMAZING.
50
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,824
I CAN'T CHOOSE.
51
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,493
- THEY DO THIS THING
CALLED A "SHOPPING PERIOD,"
52
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,461
WHERE YOU CAN JUST SAMPLE
AS MANY CLASSES AS YOU WANT.
53
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:08,662
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
54
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:10,231
- SPORTS AND SOCIETY.
55
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:12,566
PHYSICAL SCIENCE.
56
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:13,934
A CRASH COURSE?
57
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,503
- YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT
WHAT YOU THINK.
58
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,438
- OH.
59
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,840
I DID NOT GRADUATE COLLEGE,
BECAUSE I DID NOT "ATTEND" IT,
60
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,575
BUT I'M TRYING
TO IMPROVE MYSELF,
61
00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:24,478
SO I'M GONNA START
BY TAKING JUST ONE CLASS.
62
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,779
- IF YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE A COLLEGE COURSE,
63
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,815
ANDREW, YOU SHOULD
EXPLORE A NEW SUBJECT.
64
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:30,484
BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS.
- YUP.
65
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:31,885
- HORIZONS ARE DUMB.
NEVER BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS.
66
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,086
- YUP.
67
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,256
- JUST TAKE SOMETHING YOU'RE
GREAT AT AND GET AN EASY A.
68
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:39,360
- NO OFFENSE, RON, BUT APRIL'S
WAY SOUNDS WAY EASIER.
69
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,196
GUITAR FOR BEGINNERS.
70
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:43,197
- I VALUE A GOOD EDUCATION,
71
00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:44,398
SO I DON'T WANT
TO SEE ANDY
72
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,600
WASTE HIS TIME IN COLLEGE.
73
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,370
OF ALL MY COWORKERS,
HE IS ONE OF A SMALL NUMBER
74
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:51,372
WHOM I DO NOT
ACTIVELY ROOT AGAINST.
75
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:55,543
UGH, THERE I GO
GETTING ALL SAPPY.
76
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:56,610
[door opens]
77
00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:59,247
- HEY.
- HEY.
78
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,549
- SO, I HAVE ABOUT NINE THINGS
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
79
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,251
THE FIRST IS
THE RIBBON-CUTTING CEREMONY.
80
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:04,818
DO YOU KNOW WHO'S
BRINGING SCISSORS?
81
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:07,421
BECAUSE I CANNOT TELL YOU
HOW MANY CEREMONIES GET DERAILED
82
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:08,722
WHEN PEOPLE DON'T
BRING SCISSORS.
83
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:09,957
NUMBER TWO--
- RIGHT. UM, LISTEN.
84
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,325
I'M ACTUALLY
GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
85
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,493
- OH, YEAH?
86
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,794
- AFTER
THIS PROJECT FINISHES,
87
00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,396
I'M GONNA FOCUS
ON OTHER DEPARTMENTS
88
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,398
AND CUT DOWN MY TIME
WITH PARKS AND REC.
89
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:18,799
- WHAT?
90
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:22,336
- WELL, LOOK, I MEAN,
WE TRIED HANGING OUT TOGETHER,
91
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:26,274
WE TRIED WORKING TOGETHER,
AND IT JUST...
92
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,541
BUMS ME OUT.
93
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:29,710
- NO, NO, NO. WE'RE JUST
WORKING OUT THE KINKS.
94
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,579
YOU DON'T NEED
TO DECREASE YOUR TIME WITH ME.
95
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,581
IN FACT, YOU NEED
TO INCREASE YOUR TIME WITH ME.
96
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,516
YOU NEED TO SPEND
MORE TIME WITH ME.
97
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:36,750
THAT MAKE SENSE?
I THINK IT DOES.
98
00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:38,018
- NO, LESLIE,
NO, LISTEN TO ME.
99
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,388
AFTER THE SMALLEST PARK
WRAPS UP,
100
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:41,622
I AM GOING TO ASK CHRIS
101
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:44,458
TO TAKE OVER
ALL PARKS AND REC BUSINESS.
102
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:46,994
OKAY?
103
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,263
- OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT.
104
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:50,664
- WELL,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
105
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,666
I NEED TO ASCERTAIN
THE WHEREABOUTS
106
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,903
OF SOME OVERSIZED
CEREMONIAL SCISSORS.
107
00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:57,505
- I--
108
00:03:57,538 --> 00:04:01,642
THOSE ARE
MY PENS AND PENCILS.
109
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:05,279
- NO, SEE, I THINK THAT
COMIC SANS ALWAYS SCREAMS "FUN."
110
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:06,113
RIGHT?
111
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,549
BUT, MAN,
THOSE "R"s IN HELVETICA,
112
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,950
THEY'RE JUST, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
REALLY POPPING FOR ME.
113
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:12,353
- I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE BORED
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
114
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:13,621
WHO CARES ABOUT LETTERS?
115
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,789
THE ONLY GOOD FONT
IS THE SOPRANOS ONE,
116
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,291
WHERE THE "R" IS A PISTOL.
117
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,327
LET'S THINK BIGGER,
PEOPLE, COME ON.
118
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,061
WHAT ABOUT
A TOP-TO-BOTTOM MAKEOVER
119
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,763
FOR THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT?
120
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:25,699
I'M TALKING NEW UNIFORMS,
NEW SIGNAGE, NEW COLOR SCHEME.
121
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,335
A WHOLE, NEW, SEXY VIBE.
122
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:28,302
- I DON'T KNOW.
123
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:29,437
THIS REALLY ISN'T WHAT CHRIS
ASKED US TO DO.
124
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:31,905
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST
STICK TO THE ASSIGNMENT.
125
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:32,806
- COOL, JERRY.
126
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:33,841
I'D TAKE YOUR ADVICE
IF I WANTED TO BE
127
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,877
A DEAD-EYED GOVERNMENT DRONE
WITH NO AMBITION.
128
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:39,347
YES, TECHNICALLY MY NEW JOB
IS MY OLD JOB,
129
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,316
BUT I'M NOT SOME BORING,
JERRY GERGICH-TYPE GUY.
130
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,817
I'M MORE OF A STEVE HARVEY.
131
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:48,689
I DREAM BIG, I SHAKE THINGS UP,
AND I ALWAYS WEAR DOPE SUITS.
132
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:52,092
- OKAY, CAN ANYONE TELL ME
WHAT THIS IS CALLED?
133
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,093
- UH, THAT'S A FRET.
- YEAH.
134
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,962
- AND THAT LITTLE THING
YOU GOT RIGHT THERE--
135
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,998
THAT'S CALLED A CAPO.
CHANGES THE KEY.
136
00:04:58,031 --> 00:04:59,833
- UH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE
IN THE ADVANCED CLASS?
137
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,702
- [laughs]
YEAH, MAYBE I SHOULD.
138
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,504
- DUDE, DUMB IT DOWN.
139
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:07,007
- BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY,
BECAUSE I'M JUST A BEGINNER.
140
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,811
I BARELY HAVEN'T EVEN
EVER SEEN A "GORTAR."
141
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,547
- OKAY.
142
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:15,849
WE WILL BE WORKING ON BASIC
CHORDS FOR THE FIRST FOUR WEEKS.
143
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:18,085
- OH, MY GOD.
FOUR WEEKS.
144
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,020
I'M ALREADY BORED.
145
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,490
- OF COURSE YOU ARE.
YOU'RE NOT CHALLENGING YOURSELF.
146
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,892
I SUGGEST WE SAMPLE
A FEW MORE CLASSES.
147
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,460
- FINE.
148
00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:27,728
- VERY GOOD.
149
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:31,131
- [playing guitar]
150
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,299
GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY.
GUESS WHAT.
151
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,469
I WAS SECRETLY AN UNDERCOVER
ROCK STAR THIS WHOLE TIME.
152
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,638
[plucks, bends string]
153
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:38,839
- FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,
154
00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:41,675
I THINK YOU WOULD MAKE
AN INCREDIBLE BRUNETTE.
155
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:45,646
RON SWANSON.
156
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,515
- I MEAN,
HE'S NOT EVEN ATTENDING
157
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:50,150
THE RIBBON-CUTTING CEREMONY
OF A PARK THAT WE MADE TOGETHER.
158
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,719
- I'M SORRY, LESLIE.
159
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,421
- I'M JUST FREAKING OUT.
160
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,556
THE ONLY THING
WE HAVE LEFT IS WORK.
161
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,858
AND NOW HE DOESN'T WANT
TO WORK TOGETHER ANYMORE?
162
00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,427
WHAT DOES THAT ALL MEAN?
163
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,862
- [sighs]
I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
164
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,798
- YEAH.
165
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,600
I SHOULD JUST DRAG OUT
THAT TINY PARK PROJECT
166
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:07,468
FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE
167
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:08,602
SO BEN AND I CAN
KEEP WORKING TOGETHER.
168
00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:11,171
- THAT'S ALMOST EXACTLY
THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I MEANT.
169
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,507
- NO, WHAT I'LL DO IS I'LL GET
THE NEIGHBORHOOD ALL RILED UP,
170
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:16,510
AND THEN MAYBE THEY'LL ASK FOR
AN ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT--
171
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:17,745
AND THEN BEN AND I
WILL WORK TOGETHER
172
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:18,746
FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER YEAR.
173
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,147
- LESLIE, FOR GOD'S SAKES.
- GOOD IDEA, ANN.
174
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,114
NO, ANN, PLEASE,
I BEG OF YOU.
175
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,783
WILL YOU JUST SHUT
YOUR BEAUTIFUL PIE HOLE?
176
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:25,185
JUST SIT THERE,
LET ME STARE AT YOU
177
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,655
WHILE YOU SILENTLY SUPPORT ME
ON THIS GAME PLAN.
178
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:28,956
- LESLIE--
- SHH, ANN...
179
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,591
- LESLIE...
180
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,460
- YOUR QUIET SUPPORT
MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.
181
00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:35,796
AS WELL AS YOUR TACIT
ENDORSEMENT OF ALL MY BEHAVIORS.
182
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:37,531
AS A MATURE,
REASONABLE ADULT,
183
00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:39,500
I UNDERSTAND THAT
THIS WILL BE THE LAST PROJECT
184
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,535
THAT BEN AND I
ARE WORKING ON TOGETHER.
185
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,804
SO PLEASE JOIN US
FOR THE GRAND OPENING
186
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:47,975
OF PAWNEE'S SMALLEST PARK
ON NOVEMBER 12TH, 2070.
187
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,880
- THANK YOU FOR COMING
TO THIS VERY IMPORTANT,
188
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,716
AND WHAT I SUSPECT
WILL BE LENGTHY, MEETING.
189
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,819
THE PROPOSED PARK
IS VERY SMALL,
190
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,888
BUT WE BELIEVE WE NEED
TO INVESTIGATE EVERY DETAIL.
191
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:03,491
SO IF ANYONE
HAS ANY QUESTIONS FOR ME
192
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:07,661
OR ASSISTANT CITY MANAGER
BEN WYATT, GO RIGHT AHEAD.
193
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:08,462
- HI, I HAVE A QUESTION
ABOUT THIS PROJECT.
194
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:09,663
- WHOA, WAIT.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
195
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:11,164
WHERE'S THE FIRE?
[chuckles]
196
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:13,667
LET'S GET TO KNOW
EACH OTHER FIRST.
197
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,202
TELL ME
ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.
198
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:17,505
- IS THERE GOING TO BE
BASKETBALL THERE?
199
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:21,875
BASKETBALL COURTS ATTRACT
UNDESIRABLES TO MY COMMUNITY.
200
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:23,977
- WELL, THERE'S BARELY ROOM
FOR AN ACTUAL BASKETBALL,
201
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,245
MUCH LESS A COURT.
202
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,848
- BECAUSE THERE'S
A DEFINITE TYPE OF PERSON
203
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,817
I ASSOCIATE
WITH BASKETBALL,
204
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:32,085
AND I'D RATHER NOT HAVE
THAT TYPE OF PERSON NEARBY.
205
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,521
- DON'T WORRY.
YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY.
206
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:35,523
- OKAY, I'LL JUST
COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.
207
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,157
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TYPE
OF PERSON I DON'T LIKE.
208
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,258
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
209
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:39,960
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I THINK WE GET IT.
210
00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:41,161
- YEAH, WE DO, ROSE,
211
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:42,896
AND YOU BRING UP
A VERY GOOD POINT.
212
00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:45,633
INTOLERANCE.
CAN WE BE DOING MORE?
213
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,501
I'D LIKE TO HEAR
FROM EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
214
00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:50,103
ABOUT A TIME WHEN PREJUDICE
HAS TOUCHED YOUR LIVES.
215
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,639
- HELLO, EVERYONE.
216
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,173
MY NAME
IS PROFESSOR BARNES.
217
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:55,108
THE CLASS I'LL BE
TEACHING THIS SEMESTER
218
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,777
IS INTRODUCTION TO LASERS.
219
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,647
THE WORD "LASER"
STANDS FOR
220
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,714
LIGHT AMPLIFICATION
221
00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:03,517
BY STIMULATED EMISSION
OF RADIATION.
222
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,152
- WHERE ARE THE LASERS?
223
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:08,188
- THIS GRAPHIC HERE REPRESENTS
THE ELECTROMAGNETIC SPECTRUM
224
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,657
ARRANGED
FROM LOW FREQUENCY...
225
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:11,792
- HE'S NOT EVEN
USING A LASER POINTER.
226
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,193
- HE'S RIGHT.
THIS CLASS STINKS.
227
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,563
- STICK WITH IT.
YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.
228
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:16,630
- UH, EXCUSE ME.
229
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:18,065
PROFESSOR?
230
00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,800
HI, THERE.
ANDY DWYER. CURIOUS.
231
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,770
WHEN WILL YOU BE BRINGING OUT
THE LASERS FOR ME TO PLAY WITH?
232
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,738
AND WILL WE START
WITH THE SMALL LASERS,
233
00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,707
OR COULD WE GO
JUST STRAIGHT TO THE BIG LASERS,
234
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,208
IN TERMS OF
PLAYING WITH THEM?
235
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,210
- WE WON'T BE USING
ACTUAL LASERS IN THIS COURSE.
236
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:33,847
IT'S ABOUT THE THEORY
THAT MAKES THEM POSSIBLE.
237
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:38,318
- ONE OF THE MOST SIGNIFICANT
BUMMERS OF MY LIFETIME.
238
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,287
- FIRST UP,
A PERSONAL FAVORITE,
239
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,289
THE SOPRANOS OPTION.
240
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,792
NOW, I GUARANTEE YOU,
ANYONE THAT SEES THIS LOGO
241
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:47,294
IS NOT GONNA
"FUGGHEDABOUDIT."
242
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,329
THIS IS OUR CURRENT
COMMUNITY CENTER.
243
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,964
UGH.
244
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:53,133
THIS IS OUR NEW
COMMUNITY CENTER!
245
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,803
THAT'S RIGHT,
IT LOOKS LIKE AN APPLE STORE.
246
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,337
TODAY, I'M A BEVERLY HILLS
PLASTIC SURGEON,
247
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,673
AND THE PARKS DEPARTMENT
IS A WRINKLY OLD HOUSEWIFE
248
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,208
IN HER EARLY 30s.
249
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,176
I'M ABOUT TO WORK
A MIRACLE.
250
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,912
- THANK YOU, MA'AM.
WHAT A STORY.
251
00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:06,113
ANYONE ELSE?
252
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:07,781
ANYONE...
253
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,282
UH, THIS GENTLEMAN
WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING.
254
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:10,517
- NO, I DON'T.
255
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,120
- COME ON, MEL. YOU'RE ALWAYS
UP IN ARMS ABOUT SOMETHING.
256
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:14,321
- NO, I'M NOT.
257
00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:16,089
I'M NOT ALWAYS
UP IN ARMS ABOUT SOMETHING.
258
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,658
- THERE WE GO.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
259
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:18,859
TALK TO ME
ABOUT WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.
260
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:22,596
- OKAY, THAT'LL DO IT.
THANKS, EVERYBODY.
261
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,231
- I ONCE HOSTED A FORUM
ABOUT A NEW BIKE RACK
262
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,833
THAT LASTED SEVEN HOURS.
263
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:28,068
NOW WHEN I NEED
THESE PEOPLE TO COMPLAIN,
264
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,003
THEY'RE DONE
IN 45 MINUTES?
265
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:31,138
- WHOA, CHECK IT OUT.
266
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:35,643
YOU CAN GET CREDIT FOR PLAYING
INTRAMURAL FRISBEE GOLF.
267
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:38,011
- OKAY, YOU CAN TAKE A CLASS
ON THE CIVIL WAR.
268
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:39,146
- WHY WOULD I TAKE A CLASS
269
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:40,714
ON SOMETHING THAT'S
ALREADY HAPPENED?
270
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,382
LOOK, YOU GUYS HAVE
ALREADY HAD YOUR SAY.
271
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,352
NOW I WANT TO TRY
SOMETHING THAT I WANT TO TRY.
272
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:48,155
AND I'M GONNA MAKE MY CHOICE
AS I ALWAYS DO,
273
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:51,191
AT RANDOM.
274
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,629
- AS SHE WAS
BURNED AT THE STAKE,
275
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:56,830
JOAN OF ARC DID NOT COWER.
276
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:59,366
SHE DID NOT
BEG FOR MERCY.
277
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,769
SHE SAID, IN A STRONG,
CLEAR VOICE,
278
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:04,705
"I AM NOT AFRAID.
I WAS BORN TO DO THIS."
279
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,239
- I WANT TO BE
BURNED AT THE STAKE.
280
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,908
- MANY SOCIETAL
INSTITUTIONS
281
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,711
WERE ESTABLISHED
SOLELY TO OPPRESS WOMEN.
282
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:12,145
TO THIS DAY,
283
00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:15,215
SOME FEMINISTS HAVE EVEN
CONDEMNED MARRIAGE
284
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,751
AS A GLORIFIED FORM
OF SLAVERY.
285
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,953
- AMEN.
286
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,122
- THAT CLASS WAS AWESOME.
287
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,224
- I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE.
288
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,694
IF THAT WOMAN WEREN'T SO
VIOLENTLY OPPOSED TO MARRIAGE,
289
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:29,262
I THINK I WOULD
PROPOSE TO HER.
290
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:30,998
- WELL, THEN,
IT'S DECIDED.
291
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:33,834
ANDY DWYER WILL BE TAKING
"WOMEN'S LASERS."
292
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,235
- "WOMEN'S STUDIES."
293
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:38,205
- SORRY. GOD, I CANNOT
STOP THINKING ABOUT LASERS.
294
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:39,372
"WOMEN'S STUDIES."
295
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,407
IS THERE SUCH THING
AS "WOMEN'S LASERS"?
296
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,374
THAT'D BE
MY NUMBER ONE PICK.
297
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:44,812
- EXCUSE ME,
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
298
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,213
- JUST PREPARING
FOR THE GRAND OPENING
299
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:49,082
OF THIS TINY
BUT VERY INTRUSIVE PARK.
300
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:49,983
- WE WERE TOLD
THIS WOULD HAVE
301
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,885
VERY LITTLE IMPACT
ON THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
302
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:53,787
THIS FLYER HAS
HUNDREDS OF EVENTS.
303
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,123
- THERE ARE FIREWORKS
EVERY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT?
304
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,224
- THEY START AT MIDNIGHT.
305
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,826
WHO KNOWS WHEN
THEY'RE GONNA END?
306
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,460
LOOK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
THE IMPACT OF THIS PARK,
307
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,764
BECAUSE THE CITY SKIPPED
AN ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT.
308
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,465
SO WE DON'T KNOW
ABOUT TRAFFIC PROBLEMS
309
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,901
OR SOUND OR LIGHTS
OR CRIME.
310
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,102
I MEAN,
IT'S ALL A MYSTERY.
311
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:10,337
- DON'T YOU WORK
FOR THE GOVERNMENT?
312
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,205
- I DO, JOE.
YEAH, THAT'S HOW I KNOW
313
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:14,074
JUST HOW HIGH
THIS CONSPIRACY GOES.
314
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,909
WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
315
00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:18,011
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.
I HAVE SOME IDEAS.
316
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,913
- THESE ARE
OUR CURRENT PARK RANGERS.
317
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:22,082
WHAT ARE THEY UP TO?
NO ONE CARES.
318
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,951
THEY'RE BORING,
AND I HATE THEM.
319
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:27,120
BUT COMING THIS SPRING
TO THE STYLE NETWORK...
320
00:11:27,154 --> 00:11:28,756
RANGER REALITY SHOW.
321
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:29,689
- I'M SORRY, TOM,
BUT CHRIS,
322
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,925
HE JUST WANTED US
TO CHOOSE A NEW FONT.
323
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,761
I MEAN, REALLY,
YOU'VE GONE WAY OFF TRACK.
324
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:35,328
- WELL, GUESS WHAT, JERRY?
I'M A DREAMER.
325
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,930
OKAY? I DREAM BIG.
DEAL WITH IT.
326
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:39,066
- TOM, WEEKENDS
ARE FOR DREAMING.
327
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:42,035
YOU ARE A GOVERNMENT WORKER.
THIS IS A GOVERNMENT JOB.
328
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,370
PLUS ISN'T DREAMING BIG
329
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:46,339
EXACTLY WHAT GOT YOU IN TROUBLE
WITH YOUR OLD COMPANY?
330
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,482
- HEY, WHERE YOU GOING, JOE?
- BATHROOM BREAK.
331
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:56,817
- NO, GET BACK
OVER THERE.
332
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,318
I'LL FIND YOU A BOTTLE
OR SOMETHING.
333
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,754
- WHERE DID
ALL THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?
334
00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:02,823
AND WHY DID THEY TURN
SO QUICKLY ON THIS PROJECT?
335
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:03,891
- WELL,
YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.
336
00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:06,226
IT ONLY TAKES ONE NUT JOB
TO GET PEOPLE RILED UP.
337
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,494
I HATE TO SAY THIS,
338
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,829
BUT I THINK
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO
339
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:10,831
THAT ENVIRONMENTAL
IMPACT REPORT.
340
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:14,234
THEY ARE EXPLICITLY
DEMANDING IT.
341
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,403
- HEY, EVERYBODY,
LISTEN UP.
342
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:19,172
UH, IN RESPONSE
TO YOUR COMPLAINTS,
343
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:22,375
WE ARE CANCELLING
ALL OF THESE DISRUPTIVE EVENTS.
344
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,011
THIS PARK
IS JUST GONNA BE
345
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:26,479
A QUIET PATCH OF GRASS,
HARMING NOBODY.
346
00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:29,082
EVERYBODY COOL?
347
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:31,484
GREAT.
348
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,486
- DREAM TEAM.
349
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,889
- ACTUALLY, CHRIS, I KNOW YOU
THINK THAT WE'RE A DREAM TEAM--
350
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,157
- DREAM TEAM!
351
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:38,158
- YEAH.
352
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,527
BUT WE'RE NOT.
353
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,230
YOU SEE, LESLIE HERE
IS A TEAM OF ONE.
354
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,966
AND THAT MIGHT BE
A VERY GOOD TEAM,
355
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:49,002
BUT SHE KIND OF STEAMROLLS
THE REST OF HER TEAM,
356
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:51,839
ME,
TO DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS.
357
00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:54,307
REGARDLESS OF HOW THE REST
OF HER TEAM,
358
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,944
ME,
FEELS.
359
00:12:56,977 --> 00:13:01,381
SO I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
WORK TOGETHER ANYMORE.
360
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:05,118
- WOW.
THAT WAS VERY HARD TO HEAR.
361
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,987
SO MANY NEGATIVE WORDS.
362
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:11,591
I JUST NEED
TO PROCESS THIS.
363
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:12,893
OKAY,
THE DREAM TEAM IS DEAD.
364
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,361
BUT YOU GUYS
HAD A GREAT RUN.
365
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:16,930
- OH, AND THE PARK IS OPEN.
YAY!
366
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:19,499
- GOOD JOB WITH THAT.
367
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:25,238
- HELLO, MA'AM,
WHO IS JUST AS EQUAL AS MEN.
368
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:30,077
I WOULD LIKE ONE TICKET
FOR, UH, WOMEN.
369
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:33,413
- HE WOULD LIKE TO REGISTER
FOR WOMEN'S STUDIES.
370
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:35,248
- OKAY.
HERE'S THE REGISTRATION FORM.
371
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:36,917
- OOH!
372
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:40,487
- AND WE'LL NEED A CHECK
OR MONEY ORDER FOR $940.
373
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,955
- WHY?
374
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,057
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
IT WAS SO EXPENSIVE?
375
00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:45,325
- I DIDN'T KNOW.
376
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:46,860
MY PARENTS
PAY FOR MY CLASSES.
377
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:48,128
I'LL JUST HAVE THEM
PAY FOR YOURS TOO.
378
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:51,865
- OH, GOD, NO!
THAT'S EMBARRASSING.
379
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:53,533
I KNOW.
380
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:55,568
I'M GONNA BEG FOR MONEY IN
THE STREET LIKE A DRUG ADDICT.
381
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,037
- NO.
- YEAH.
382
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,471
- OH, MY GOD.
383
00:13:58,505 --> 00:13:59,973
EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE
IS GOING WRONG RIGHT NOW.
384
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:02,642
WHOSE FAULT IS THIS?
I DEMAND TO KNOW.
385
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,611
- ACTUALLY--
386
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:05,612
- BEN THINKS
THAT I'M A STEAMROLLER?
387
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:06,546
THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
388
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:08,315
HOW DARE HE THINK
THAT I'M A STEAMROLLER?
389
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,582
- LESLIE,
I'M JUST TELLING YOU THIS--
390
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:11,251
- I KNOW, HE'S GOING THROUGH
A PHASE RIGHT NOW,
391
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,186
AND EVENTUALLY WE'RE GONNA
BOTH BE FRIENDS AGAIN.
392
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,188
- NO, WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY
IS THAT YOU REALLY ARE--
393
00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:16,423
- WORKING TOO HARD.
I KNOW, ANN,
394
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:18,358
YOU KEEP STARTING ALL THESE
SENTENCES AND NOT FINISHING--
395
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:19,960
- YOU'RE A STEAMROLLER!
396
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:23,363
YOU ARE A MASSIVE,
ENORMOUS, RUNAWAY STEAMROLLER
397
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:27,234
WITH NO BRAKES AND A CEMENT
BRICK ON THE GAS PEDAL.
398
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:30,103
YOU MADE ME WATCH ALL EIGHT
HARRY POTTER MOVIES.
399
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:31,371
I DON'T EVEN
LIKE HARRY POTTER.
400
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,406
- THAT'S INSANE.
YOU LOVE HARRY POTTER.
401
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,242
YOU'VE SEEN
ALL EIGHT MOVIES!
402
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,477
- WHEN WE GO OUT TO A BAR,
YOU ORDER MY DRINKS FOR ME.
403
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:39,479
- BECAUSE YOU ORDER WHITE WINE,
AND IT GIVES YOU A HEADACHE.
404
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:40,914
- WELL, IT'S MY HEADACHE!
405
00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:43,516
LESLIE,
YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT,
406
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,118
YOU IGNORE
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT,
407
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:47,054
AND YOU HEAR
ONLY WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.
408
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:51,658
- OKAY. I KNOW.
I KNOW I DO THIS.
409
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:54,027
I'M THE WORST.
410
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,963
- NO, YOU'RE
VERY PASSIONATE.
411
00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:57,397
YOU JUST PUSH
TOO HARD SOMETIMES.
412
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,698
- WELL, YOU SHOULD
CALL ME A BULLDOZER
413
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,168
RATHER THAN
A STEAMROLLER.
414
00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,036
I'M SORRY.
415
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,204
- IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
416
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:08,408
- IS IT?
HONESTLY, IS IT?
417
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:11,578
I MEAN, I GUESS I JUST
NEED TO LEAVE BEN ALONE.
418
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:15,648
THAT'S WHAT
HE SAYS HE WANTS.
419
00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:19,219
[groans]
OKAY.
420
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:23,190
WELL, THIS STEAMROLLER
IS HANGIN' UP HER...
421
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,325
THE ROLLY THING
ON THE FRONT OF THE MACHINE.
422
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,659
WHAT DO YOU--
WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?
423
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,962
- THE ROLLER?
- PROBABLY.
424
00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:31,131
OKAY.
425
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,166
- GOT YOU A LITTLE
PICK-ME-UP, TOMMY.
426
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,203
A TRIPLE-DECKER HAM AND CHEESE
FROM THE CAFETERIA.
427
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,270
ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
428
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:40,673
- TWO PATHETIC GUYS
EATING PATHETIC SANDWICHES.
429
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:41,674
SOUNDS TERRIFIC.
430
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:42,742
I GUESS I'M JERRY NOW.
431
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,544
AFTER WORK,
I'LL JUST GO HOME,
432
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,379
STRAIGHT TO MY BORING HOUSE,
433
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:48,982
KISS MY WIFE,
AND HAVE A HOME-COOKED MEAL
434
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:52,552
WITH MY THREE
BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS.
435
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:54,254
WHAT A MISERABLE LIFE.
436
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:57,290
- I HAVE BEEN HERE,
WELL, 30-SOME YEARS,
437
00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:58,691
AND THE BEST WAY
TO COPE WITH THIS JOB
438
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,294
IS TO DO EVERYTHING
THE EXACT SAME WAY
439
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:03,496
EVERY DAY.
440
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,332
HECK, I STILL USE
MY ORIGINAL I.D. CARD
441
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:06,333
FROM MY FIRST DAY
ON THE JOB.
442
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:09,202
CHECK THIS OUT.
443
00:16:09,236 --> 00:16:10,303
- OH, MY GOD.
444
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:11,438
- [giggles]
- I GOT TO GO.
445
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:14,474
PUT MY SAMMIE IN THE FRIDGE.
446
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:20,447
- MOUSE RAT CD, $30.
447
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,716
CANDY BARS, $50.
$50.
448
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,485
GOD, PEOPLE HERE
ARE SO CHEAP.
449
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,619
- APRIL, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
450
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,556
OVER TWO PHONE CALLS
CAME IN UNIMPEDED.
451
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,025
- WE'RE RAISING MONEY
FOR MY COLLEGE EDUCATION, RON.
452
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:34,661
I TOOK A SECOND JOB
BACK AT MY OLD JOB.
453
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,296
DO YOU WANT A SHOE SHINE?
454
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,098
- IT'S $100.
- [chuckles]
455
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,099
- LAUGH ALL YOU WANT, KYLE.
456
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:41,101
I ALREADY TOOK THE MONEY
OUT OF YOUR WALLET.
457
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,337
- OH.
458
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,539
- GOOD NEWS, SON.
459
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:51,678
YOU HAVE JUST WON
A RON SWANSON SCHOLARSHIP.
460
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:54,114
- I DON'T THINK SO.
I DON'T REMEMBER APPLYING FOR--
461
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:55,115
- NO, AN--ANDY.
462
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:57,284
RON SWANSON...
463
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:59,219
[whispers]
SCHOLARSHIP.
464
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:02,555
- WAIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
465
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,394
- STOP THIS.
466
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:08,761
- NO.
467
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:11,098
- STOP,
OR YOU LOSE THE MONEY.
468
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:12,499
WHY NOT?
469
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,767
I LIKE THE KID,
AND I HAVE THE MONEY.
470
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,669
ONE THING
I PROMISED MYSELF
471
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,471
WHEN I BURIED GOLD
IN MY BACKYARD
472
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:21,641
WAS THAT I'D NEVER BE A HOARDER
OR A MISER ABOUT IT.
473
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:22,575
- HEY.
474
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:24,777
- OKAY, IS THIS
HEALTH DEPARTMENT BUSINESS
475
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,113
OR LESLIE BUSINESS?
476
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,580
- YOU NEED TO GO TALK TO HER.
477
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:28,581
- WHY?
SO SHE CAN FORCE ME
478
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:30,717
TO SPEND TIME
WITH HER AGAIN?
479
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,120
NO. NO WAY.
I'M DONE TALKING.
480
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:33,953
- LISTEN,
I KNOW SHE CAN BE
481
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,123
STRONG-WILLED
AND DIFFICULT, OKAY?
482
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,790
SHE ONCE MADE ME EAT
AN ENTIRE CHEESECAKE
483
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,526
AT A POTLUCK
SO SHE DIDN'T LOOK BAD.
484
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:42,762
BUT I REALLY THINK
SHE'S READY TO LISTEN.
485
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,797
- YOU ATE
AN ENTIRE CHEESECAKE?
486
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,866
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST
THROW IT AWAY?
487
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,501
- BECAUSE WITH EVERYTHING
SHE'S DONE FOR ME,
488
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,803
I WOULD EAT
TEN CHEESECAKES FOR HER.
489
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,140
ALSO, P.S.,
IT WAS DELICIOUS AND AMAZING,
490
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:54,641
LIKE EVERYTHING SHE DOES.
491
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,776
WILL YOU PLEASE JUST
TALK TO HER? FOR MY SAKE?
492
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:57,777
I DON'T HAVE
UNLIMITED TEXTING,
493
00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,613
AND WHEN SHE CAN'T TALK
TO YOU, SHE TEXTS ME.
494
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:08,355
- SO WE TAKE THE OLD LOGO
FROM THE 1970s,
495
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:10,157
AND WE MAKE LIMITED-EDITION
HATS, POSTERS,
496
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,524
T-SHIRTS, EVERYTHING.
497
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:12,792
PEOPLE LOVE LIMITED EDITIONS,
498
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:15,462
PLUS PARENTS WILL GET SWEPT UP
IN THE NOSTALGIA
499
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:16,396
AND WANT TO GO TO THE PARKS
500
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,198
TO RECREATE THE FUN
THEY HAD GROWING UP.
501
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,467
- THIS...IS AMAZING.
502
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,802
IT IS POSSIBLY THE BEST IDEA
ANYONE HAS HAD
503
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,637
IN THIS GOVERNMENT
IN 100 YEARS.
504
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,306
TOM, TERRIFIC.
505
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:30,277
- THANKS, BUT MOST OF THE CREDIT
GOES TO MY NUMBER-FOUR, JERRY.
506
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,844
HE SHARED SOME WORDS OF WISDOM
WITH ME TODAY,
507
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,580
AND WHILE HE WAS YAMMERING ON
ABOUT WHATEVER,
508
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,382
I HAPPENED TO SEE
HIS OLD I.D. CARD.
509
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,217
THANKS, BUDDY.
510
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,418
- YEAH.
511
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,520
[crickets chirping]
512
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,293
- I WASN'T SURE
YOU WERE GONNA COME.
513
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,428
- WELL, I GOT VERY CURIOUS
514
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,263
WHEN YOU ONLY LEFT ME
ONE VOICEMAIL MESSAGE,
515
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,665
INSTEAD OF YOUR USUAL 20.
516
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,401
- I'M TRYING TO BE
A LITTLE LESS INTENSE
517
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,536
AND A LITTLE MORE
CONSIDERATE.
518
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:57,837
HERE, HAVE A SEAT.
519
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,539
BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO.
520
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:02,475
- OKAY.
I WANT TO.
521
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:03,343
- [sighs]
522
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:05,945
I NEVER LISTENED
TO WHAT YOU WANTED,
523
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:09,249
OR HOW YOU WANTED US TO BE
WHEN THINGS...
524
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:10,350
ENDED BETWEEN US.
525
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,285
I JUST DECIDED
WHAT I WANTED,
526
00:19:12,319 --> 00:19:14,787
AND I GOT UPSET WHEN
YOU DIDN'T WANT THE SAME THING.
527
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,689
I KNOW THAT'S NOT FAIR,
528
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,625
AND I'M VERY SORRY.
529
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,794
- WELL, THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE THAT.
530
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,864
- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE
ANY MORE CONTACT WITH ME,
531
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,933
I FINALLY UNDERSTAND.
532
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,935
- I--I DON'T WANT THAT.
533
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,703
REALLY.
534
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:34,641
BUT I JUST THINK
IT'S FOR THE BEST.
535
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,676
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
536
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,181
OKAY.
537
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:47,587
- THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION.
538
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,389
WE COULD JUST SAY "SCREW IT"
539
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:51,558
AND DO THIS THING
FOR REAL.
540
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,426
- WHAT?
541
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:54,827
- I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY.
542
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:57,964
I THINK ABOUT YOU
ALL THE TIME.
543
00:19:57,997 --> 00:20:00,700
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
544
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:04,304
SO LET'S JUST
SAY "SCREW IT."
545
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,438
- NO, WE WOULD HAVE
TO TELL CHRIS.
546
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:06,606
- YEAH.
547
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:07,707
- IT COULD TURN
INTO A SCANDAL.
548
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:08,641
- YEAH.
- IT COULD HURT YOUR CAMPAIGN.
549
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:10,477
I MEAN, HOW WOULD
YOU IMAGINE WE DO THIS?
550
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:11,544
- I DON'T KNOW.
551
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,946
BUT I--I KNOW HOW I FEEL,
552
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:17,016
AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
553
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,719
BUT I'M DONE
STEAMROLLING PEOPLE.
554
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:22,855
THIS IS HOW I FEEL.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
555
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:34,000
- FIRST DAY.
YOU READY?
556
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,868
- AS READY AS I'LL EVER BE.
557
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:38,705
OH, CRAP, I FORGOT MY BOOKS.
AND MY COMPUTER.
558
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,007
- JUST PAY ATTENTION
TO THE LECTURE AND ENJOY.
559
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,476
MY FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE,
MY FATHER DROPPED ME OFF
560
00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,445
AT THE STEEL MILL.
561
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,680
HE DIDN'T THINK
I SHOULD GO TO COLLEGE.
562
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:49,982
BUT I HITCHED A RIDE,
ENROLLED,
563
00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:52,352
AND LEARNED A LOT.
564
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:53,620
I HOPE ANDY DOES TOO.
565
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,355
- WE NEED TO START
TEACHING WOMEN FOOTBALL,
566
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:56,923
TEACHING WOMEN U.F.C.,
567
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:58,858
TEACHING THEM TO DRIVE TRUCKS
WITHOUT CRASHING.
568
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:00,693
"HEY, MAYBE I'M ONLY SEXY.
569
00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:01,661
"THEN--MAYBE THAT'S
ALL YOU SEE,
570
00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,396
"BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN GIVE ME
EXTRA MONEY.
571
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:04,464
"TIP MONEY AND STUFF.
572
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:06,499
I'LL FLIRT WITH YOU,
WRITE MY NAME ON A NAPKIN."
573
00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:08,768
THEY'RE GONNA DO IT
IN A RIGHT, KIND OF LEGAL WAY
574
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,903
THAT EMPOWERS PROSTITUTION.
575
00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:12,339
WE DON'T REST
UNTIL WE GET THAT.
576
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:14,040
THAT WILL BE PROGRESS.
577
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:17,043
- THAT IS EXTREMELY INCORRECT.
578
00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:18,878
- I THOUGHT--
I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS
579
00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:19,879
WHEN I WAS--
I, UH--
580
00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:23,583
I'LL GET 'EM NEXT TIME.
BACK TO YOU, PROFESSOR.
581
00:21:23,633 --> 00:21:28,183
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