Original subtitles

- TOM! I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO REDESIGN OUR PARKS DEPARTMENT LOGO.

- SOUNDS COOL SO FAR.

- RETHINK OUR VISUAL BRAND, TAKE THESE WORDS,

AND MAKE SOMETHING AMAZING.

- SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU WANT ME TO CHOOSE A NEW FONT?

- YES, ESSENTIALLY I'D LIKE YOU TO CHOOSE A NEW FONT.

JERRY, I AM MAKING YOU MY NUMBER-TWO GUY

ON THE NEW FONT PROJECT.

- COME ON, THAT'S TOO CLOSE. LET'S MAKE HIM A NUMBER-THREE.

- FAIR ENOUGH. JERRY, YOU'RE NUMBER THREE.

- THERE'S ONLY TWO OF US.

- HE HAS BEEN IN THIS DEPARTMENT A LONG TIME.

I THINK MAYBE YOU COULD LEARN SOMETHING FROM HIM.

- [laughs]

- [laughs]

- [laughs]

[laughter]

[triumphant music]

*

- OUR RESEARCH SHOWS THAT OUR PARK

WILL DRAW 5,000 VISITORS A YEAR,

AND I WANT THIS TO BE THE MOST AMAZING, AWE-INSPIRING,

FUN-FILLED PARK EVER CONCEIVED.

- NOW HOW BIG IS THE PARK, EXACTLY?

- IT IS .000003

SQUARE MILES.

RECENTLY, THE LAST REMAINING TELEPHONE BOOTHS

IN PAWNEE WERE TORN DOWN,

AND ON THAT PATCH OF CONCRETE,

I AM CREATING PAWNEE'S NEWEST TOURIST ATTRACTION:

THE SMALLEST PARK IN INDIANA.

THE TITLE IS CURRENTLY HELD

BY MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. PARK IN TERRYVILLE,

BUT GUESS WHAT?

TERRYVILLE SUCKS OLD CAR TIRES, AND SO DOES MARTIN LUTHER--

NO, HE DOES NOT SUCK OLD CAR TIRES.

HE WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST MEN IN HISTORY.

I'M SORRY. SOMETIMES I GET COMPETITIVE.

- HAS THERE BEEN ANY RESISTANCE FROM THE COMMUNITY?

- NO, NOT AT ALL.

IT'S SO SMALL WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO DO

AN ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT.

IT'S INEXPENSIVE, IT BENEFITS THE TOWN,

IT'S A TOTAL SLAM DUNK.

- YOU TWO, WHEN YOU WORK ON A PROJECT TOGETHER,

ARE SIMPLY AMAZING.

GREAT JOB, TEAM.

- MAN, ALL THESE CLASSES LOOK AMAZING.

I CAN'T CHOOSE.

- THEY DO THIS THING CALLED A "SHOPPING PERIOD,"

WHERE YOU CAN JUST SAMPLE AS MANY CLASSES AS YOU WANT.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

- SPORTS AND SOCIETY.

PHYSICAL SCIENCE.

A CRASH COURSE?

- YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

- OH.

I DID NOT GRADUATE COLLEGE, BECAUSE I DID NOT "ATTEND" IT,

BUT I'M TRYING TO IMPROVE MYSELF,

SO I'M GONNA START BY TAKING JUST ONE CLASS.

- IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A COLLEGE COURSE,

ANDREW, YOU SHOULD EXPLORE A NEW SUBJECT.

BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS. - YUP.

- HORIZONS ARE DUMB. NEVER BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS.

- YUP.

- JUST TAKE SOMETHING YOU'RE GREAT AT AND GET AN EASY A.

- NO OFFENSE, RON, BUT APRIL'S WAY SOUNDS WAY EASIER.

GUITAR FOR BEGINNERS.

- I VALUE A GOOD EDUCATION,

SO I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANDY

WASTE HIS TIME IN COLLEGE.

OF ALL MY COWORKERS, HE IS ONE OF A SMALL NUMBER

WHOM I DO NOT ACTIVELY ROOT AGAINST.

UGH, THERE I GO GETTING ALL SAPPY.

[door opens]

- HEY. - HEY.

- SO, I HAVE ABOUT NINE THINGS I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

THE FIRST IS THE RIBBON-CUTTING CEREMONY.

DO YOU KNOW WHO'S BRINGING SCISSORS?

BECAUSE I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MANY CEREMONIES GET DERAILED

WHEN PEOPLE DON'T BRING SCISSORS.

NUMBER TWO-- - RIGHT. UM, LISTEN.

I'M ACTUALLY GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

- OH, YEAH?

- AFTER THIS PROJECT FINISHES,

I'M GONNA FOCUS ON OTHER DEPARTMENTS

AND CUT DOWN MY TIME WITH PARKS AND REC.

- WHAT?

- WELL, LOOK, I MEAN, WE TRIED HANGING OUT TOGETHER,

WE TRIED WORKING TOGETHER, AND IT JUST...

BUMS ME OUT.

- NO, NO, NO. WE'RE JUST WORKING OUT THE KINKS.

YOU DON'T NEED TO DECREASE YOUR TIME WITH ME.

IN FACT, YOU NEED TO INCREASE YOUR TIME WITH ME.

YOU NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME.

THAT MAKE SENSE? I THINK IT DOES.

- NO, LESLIE, NO, LISTEN TO ME.

AFTER THE SMALLEST PARK WRAPS UP,

I AM GOING TO ASK CHRIS

TO TAKE OVER ALL PARKS AND REC BUSINESS.

OKAY?

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT.

- WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I NEED TO ASCERTAIN THE WHEREABOUTS

OF SOME OVERSIZED CEREMONIAL SCISSORS.

- I--

THOSE ARE MY PENS AND PENCILS.

- NO, SEE, I THINK THAT COMIC SANS ALWAYS SCREAMS "FUN."

RIGHT?

BUT, MAN, THOSE "R"s IN HELVETICA,

THEY'RE JUST, YOU KNOW, LIKE, REALLY POPPING FOR ME.

- I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE BORED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WHO CARES ABOUT LETTERS?

THE ONLY GOOD FONT IS THE SOPRANOS ONE,

WHERE THE "R" IS A PISTOL.

LET'S THINK BIGGER, PEOPLE, COME ON.

WHAT ABOUT A TOP-TO-BOTTOM MAKEOVER

FOR THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT?

I'M TALKING NEW UNIFORMS, NEW SIGNAGE, NEW COLOR SCHEME.

A WHOLE, NEW, SEXY VIBE.

- I DON'T KNOW.

THIS REALLY ISN'T WHAT CHRIS ASKED US TO DO.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST STICK TO THE ASSIGNMENT.

- COOL, JERRY.

I'D TAKE YOUR ADVICE IF I WANTED TO BE

A DEAD-EYED GOVERNMENT DRONE WITH NO AMBITION.

YES, TECHNICALLY MY NEW JOB IS MY OLD JOB,

BUT I'M NOT SOME BORING, JERRY GERGICH-TYPE GUY.

I'M MORE OF A STEVE HARVEY.

I DREAM BIG, I SHAKE THINGS UP, AND I ALWAYS WEAR DOPE SUITS.

- OKAY, CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THIS IS CALLED?

- UH, THAT'S A FRET. - YEAH.

- AND THAT LITTLE THING YOU GOT RIGHT THERE--

THAT'S CALLED A CAPO. CHANGES THE KEY.

- UH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE IN THE ADVANCED CLASS?

- [laughs] YEAH, MAYBE I SHOULD.

- DUDE, DUMB IT DOWN.

- BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY, BECAUSE I'M JUST A BEGINNER.

I BARELY HAVEN'T EVEN EVER SEEN A "GORTAR."

- OKAY.

WE WILL BE WORKING ON BASIC CHORDS FOR THE FIRST FOUR WEEKS.

- OH, MY GOD. FOUR WEEKS.

I'M ALREADY BORED.

- OF COURSE YOU ARE. YOU'RE NOT CHALLENGING YOURSELF.

I SUGGEST WE SAMPLE A FEW MORE CLASSES.

- FINE.

- VERY GOOD.

- [playing guitar]

GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY. GUESS WHAT.

I WAS SECRETLY AN UNDERCOVER ROCK STAR THIS WHOLE TIME.

[plucks, bends string]

- FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,

I THINK YOU WOULD MAKE AN INCREDIBLE BRUNETTE.

RON SWANSON.

- I MEAN, HE'S NOT EVEN ATTENDING

THE RIBBON-CUTTING CEREMONY OF A PARK THAT WE MADE TOGETHER.

- I'M SORRY, LESLIE.

- I'M JUST FREAKING OUT.

THE ONLY THING WE HAVE LEFT IS WORK.

AND NOW HE DOESN'T WANT TO WORK TOGETHER ANYMORE?

WHAT DOES THAT ALL MEAN?

- [sighs] I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

- YEAH.

I SHOULD JUST DRAG OUT THAT TINY PARK PROJECT

FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

SO BEN AND I CAN KEEP WORKING TOGETHER.

- THAT'S ALMOST EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I MEANT.

- NO, WHAT I'LL DO IS I'LL GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD ALL RILED UP,

AND THEN MAYBE THEY'LL ASK FOR AN ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT--

AND THEN BEN AND I WILL WORK TOGETHER

FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER YEAR.

- LESLIE, FOR GOD'S SAKES. - GOOD IDEA, ANN.

NO, ANN, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU.

WILL YOU JUST SHUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL PIE HOLE?

JUST SIT THERE, LET ME STARE AT YOU

WHILE YOU SILENTLY SUPPORT ME ON THIS GAME PLAN.

- LESLIE-- - SHH, ANN...

- LESLIE...

- YOUR QUIET SUPPORT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.

AS WELL AS YOUR TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF ALL MY BEHAVIORS.

AS A MATURE, REASONABLE ADULT,

I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS WILL BE THE LAST PROJECT

THAT BEN AND I ARE WORKING ON TOGETHER.

SO PLEASE JOIN US FOR THE GRAND OPENING

OF PAWNEE'S SMALLEST PARK ON NOVEMBER 12TH, 2070.

- THANK YOU FOR COMING TO THIS VERY IMPORTANT,

AND WHAT I SUSPECT WILL BE LENGTHY, MEETING.

THE PROPOSED PARK IS VERY SMALL,

BUT WE BELIEVE WE NEED TO INVESTIGATE EVERY DETAIL.

SO IF ANYONE HAS ANY QUESTIONS FOR ME

OR ASSISTANT CITY MANAGER BEN WYATT, GO RIGHT AHEAD.

- HI, I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THIS PROJECT.

- WHOA, WAIT. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHERE'S THE FIRE? [chuckles]

LET'S GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER FIRST.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.

- IS THERE GOING TO BE BASKETBALL THERE?

BASKETBALL COURTS ATTRACT UNDESIRABLES TO MY COMMUNITY.

- WELL, THERE'S BARELY ROOM FOR AN ACTUAL BASKETBALL,

MUCH LESS A COURT.

- BECAUSE THERE'S A DEFINITE TYPE OF PERSON

I ASSOCIATE WITH BASKETBALL,

AND I'D RATHER NOT HAVE THAT TYPE OF PERSON NEARBY.

- DON'T WORRY. YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY.

- OKAY, I'LL JUST COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TYPE OF PERSON I DON'T LIKE.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

NO, NO, NO, NO. I THINK WE GET IT.

- YEAH, WE DO, ROSE,

AND YOU BRING UP A VERY GOOD POINT.

INTOLERANCE. CAN WE BE DOING MORE?

I'D LIKE TO HEAR FROM EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

ABOUT A TIME WHEN PREJUDICE HAS TOUCHED YOUR LIVES.

- HELLO, EVERYONE.

MY NAME IS PROFESSOR BARNES.

THE CLASS I'LL BE TEACHING THIS SEMESTER

IS INTRODUCTION TO LASERS.

THE WORD "LASER" STANDS FOR

LIGHT AMPLIFICATION

BY STIMULATED EMISSION OF RADIATION.

- WHERE ARE THE LASERS?

- THIS GRAPHIC HERE REPRESENTS THE ELECTROMAGNETIC SPECTRUM

ARRANGED FROM LOW FREQUENCY...

- HE'S NOT EVEN USING A LASER POINTER.

- HE'S RIGHT. THIS CLASS STINKS.

- STICK WITH IT. YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.

- UH, EXCUSE ME.

PROFESSOR?

HI, THERE. ANDY DWYER. CURIOUS.

WHEN WILL YOU BE BRINGING OUT THE LASERS FOR ME TO PLAY WITH?

AND WILL WE START WITH THE SMALL LASERS,

OR COULD WE GO JUST STRAIGHT TO THE BIG LASERS,

IN TERMS OF PLAYING WITH THEM?

- WE WON'T BE USING ACTUAL LASERS IN THIS COURSE.

IT'S ABOUT THE THEORY THAT MAKES THEM POSSIBLE.

- ONE OF THE MOST SIGNIFICANT BUMMERS OF MY LIFETIME.

- FIRST UP, A PERSONAL FAVORITE,

THE SOPRANOS OPTION.

NOW, I GUARANTEE YOU, ANYONE THAT SEES THIS LOGO

IS NOT GONNA "FUGGHEDABOUDIT."

THIS IS OUR CURRENT COMMUNITY CENTER.

UGH.

THIS IS OUR NEW COMMUNITY CENTER!

THAT'S RIGHT, IT LOOKS LIKE AN APPLE STORE.

TODAY, I'M A BEVERLY HILLS PLASTIC SURGEON,

AND THE PARKS DEPARTMENT IS A WRINKLY OLD HOUSEWIFE

IN HER EARLY 30s.

I'M ABOUT TO WORK A MIRACLE.

- THANK YOU, MA'AM. WHAT A STORY.

ANYONE ELSE?

ANYONE...

UH, THIS GENTLEMAN WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING.

- NO, I DON'T.

- COME ON, MEL. YOU'RE ALWAYS UP IN ARMS ABOUT SOMETHING.

- NO, I'M NOT.

I'M NOT ALWAYS UP IN ARMS ABOUT SOMETHING.

- THERE WE GO. THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

TALK TO ME ABOUT WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.

- OKAY, THAT'LL DO IT. THANKS, EVERYBODY.

- I ONCE HOSTED A FORUM ABOUT A NEW BIKE RACK

THAT LASTED SEVEN HOURS.

NOW WHEN I NEED THESE PEOPLE TO COMPLAIN,

THEY'RE DONE IN 45 MINUTES?

- WHOA, CHECK IT OUT.

YOU CAN GET CREDIT FOR PLAYING INTRAMURAL FRISBEE GOLF.

- OKAY, YOU CAN TAKE A CLASS ON THE CIVIL WAR.

- WHY WOULD I TAKE A CLASS

ON SOMETHING THAT'S ALREADY HAPPENED?

LOOK, YOU GUYS HAVE ALREADY HAD YOUR SAY.

NOW I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING THAT I WANT TO TRY.

AND I'M GONNA MAKE MY CHOICE AS I ALWAYS DO,

AT RANDOM.

- AS SHE WAS BURNED AT THE STAKE,

JOAN OF ARC DID NOT COWER.

SHE DID NOT BEG FOR MERCY.

SHE SAID, IN A STRONG, CLEAR VOICE,

"I AM NOT AFRAID. I WAS BORN TO DO THIS."

- I WANT TO BE BURNED AT THE STAKE.

- MANY SOCIETAL INSTITUTIONS

WERE ESTABLISHED SOLELY TO OPPRESS WOMEN.

TO THIS DAY,

SOME FEMINISTS HAVE EVEN CONDEMNED MARRIAGE

AS A GLORIFIED FORM OF SLAVERY.

- AMEN.

- THAT CLASS WAS AWESOME.

- I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE.

IF THAT WOMAN WEREN'T SO VIOLENTLY OPPOSED TO MARRIAGE,

I THINK I WOULD PROPOSE TO HER.

- WELL, THEN, IT'S DECIDED.

ANDY DWYER WILL BE TAKING "WOMEN'S LASERS."

- "WOMEN'S STUDIES."

- SORRY. GOD, I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT LASERS.

"WOMEN'S STUDIES."

IS THERE SUCH THING AS "WOMEN'S LASERS"?

THAT'D BE MY NUMBER ONE PICK.

- EXCUSE ME, WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?

- JUST PREPARING FOR THE GRAND OPENING

OF THIS TINY BUT VERY INTRUSIVE PARK.

- WE WERE TOLD THIS WOULD HAVE

VERY LITTLE IMPACT ON THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

THIS FLYER HAS HUNDREDS OF EVENTS.

- THERE ARE FIREWORKS EVERY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT?

- THEY START AT MIDNIGHT.

WHO KNOWS WHEN THEY'RE GONNA END?

LOOK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE IMPACT OF THIS PARK,

BECAUSE THE CITY SKIPPED AN ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT.

SO WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT TRAFFIC PROBLEMS

OR SOUND OR LIGHTS OR CRIME.

I MEAN, IT'S ALL A MYSTERY.

- DON'T YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT?

- I DO, JOE. YEAH, THAT'S HOW I KNOW

JUST HOW HIGH THIS CONSPIRACY GOES.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED. I HAVE SOME IDEAS.

- THESE ARE OUR CURRENT PARK RANGERS.

WHAT ARE THEY UP TO? NO ONE CARES.

THEY'RE BORING, AND I HATE THEM.

BUT COMING THIS SPRING TO THE STYLE NETWORK...

RANGER REALITY SHOW.

- I'M SORRY, TOM, BUT CHRIS,

HE JUST WANTED US TO CHOOSE A NEW FONT.

I MEAN, REALLY, YOU'VE GONE WAY OFF TRACK.

- WELL, GUESS WHAT, JERRY? I'M A DREAMER.

OKAY? I DREAM BIG. DEAL WITH IT.

- TOM, WEEKENDS ARE FOR DREAMING.

YOU ARE A GOVERNMENT WORKER. THIS IS A GOVERNMENT JOB.

PLUS ISN'T DREAMING BIG

EXACTLY WHAT GOT YOU IN TROUBLE WITH YOUR OLD COMPANY?

- HEY, WHERE YOU GOING, JOE? - BATHROOM BREAK.

- NO, GET BACK OVER THERE.

I'LL FIND YOU A BOTTLE OR SOMETHING.

- WHERE DID ALL THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?

AND WHY DID THEY TURN SO QUICKLY ON THIS PROJECT?

- WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.

IT ONLY TAKES ONE NUT JOB TO GET PEOPLE RILED UP.

I HATE TO SAY THIS,

BUT I THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO

THAT ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT.

THEY ARE EXPLICITLY DEMANDING IT.

- HEY, EVERYBODY, LISTEN UP.

UH, IN RESPONSE TO YOUR COMPLAINTS,

WE ARE CANCELLING ALL OF THESE DISRUPTIVE EVENTS.

THIS PARK IS JUST GONNA BE

A QUIET PATCH OF GRASS, HARMING NOBODY.

EVERYBODY COOL?

GREAT.

- DREAM TEAM.

- ACTUALLY, CHRIS, I KNOW YOU THINK THAT WE'RE A DREAM TEAM--

- DREAM TEAM!

- YEAH.

BUT WE'RE NOT.

YOU SEE, LESLIE HERE IS A TEAM OF ONE.

AND THAT MIGHT BE A VERY GOOD TEAM,

BUT SHE KIND OF STEAMROLLS THE REST OF HER TEAM,

ME, TO DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

REGARDLESS OF HOW THE REST OF HER TEAM,

ME, FEELS.

SO I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD WORK TOGETHER ANYMORE.

- WOW. THAT WAS VERY HARD TO HEAR.

SO MANY NEGATIVE WORDS.

I JUST NEED TO PROCESS THIS.

OKAY, THE DREAM TEAM IS DEAD.

BUT YOU GUYS HAD A GREAT RUN.

- OH, AND THE PARK IS OPEN. YAY!

- GOOD JOB WITH THAT.

- HELLO, MA'AM, WHO IS JUST AS EQUAL AS MEN.

I WOULD LIKE ONE TICKET FOR, UH, WOMEN.

- HE WOULD LIKE TO REGISTER FOR WOMEN'S STUDIES.

- OKAY. HERE'S THE REGISTRATION FORM.

- OOH!

- AND WE'LL NEED A CHECK OR MONEY ORDER FOR $940.

- WHY?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IT WAS SO EXPENSIVE?

- I DIDN'T KNOW.

MY PARENTS PAY FOR MY CLASSES.

I'LL JUST HAVE THEM PAY FOR YOURS TOO.

- OH, GOD, NO! THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

I KNOW.

I'M GONNA BEG FOR MONEY IN THE STREET LIKE A DRUG ADDICT.

- NO. - YEAH.

- OH, MY GOD.

EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS GOING WRONG RIGHT NOW.

WHOSE FAULT IS THIS? I DEMAND TO KNOW.

- ACTUALLY--

- BEN THINKS THAT I'M A STEAMROLLER?

THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

HOW DARE HE THINK THAT I'M A STEAMROLLER?

- LESLIE, I'M JUST TELLING YOU THIS--

- I KNOW, HE'S GOING THROUGH A PHASE RIGHT NOW,

AND EVENTUALLY WE'RE GONNA BOTH BE FRIENDS AGAIN.

- NO, WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY IS THAT YOU REALLY ARE--

- WORKING TOO HARD. I KNOW, ANN,

YOU KEEP STARTING ALL THESE SENTENCES AND NOT FINISHING--

- YOU'RE A STEAMROLLER!

YOU ARE A MASSIVE, ENORMOUS, RUNAWAY STEAMROLLER

WITH NO BRAKES AND A CEMENT BRICK ON THE GAS PEDAL.

YOU MADE ME WATCH ALL EIGHT HARRY POTTER MOVIES.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE HARRY POTTER.

- THAT'S INSANE. YOU LOVE HARRY POTTER.

YOU'VE SEEN ALL EIGHT MOVIES!

- WHEN WE GO OUT TO A BAR, YOU ORDER MY DRINKS FOR ME.

- BECAUSE YOU ORDER WHITE WINE, AND IT GIVES YOU A HEADACHE.

- WELL, IT'S MY HEADACHE!

LESLIE, YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT,

YOU IGNORE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT,

AND YOU HEAR ONLY WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

- OKAY. I KNOW. I KNOW I DO THIS.

I'M THE WORST.

- NO, YOU'RE VERY PASSIONATE.

YOU JUST PUSH TOO HARD SOMETIMES.

- WELL, YOU SHOULD CALL ME A BULLDOZER

RATHER THAN A STEAMROLLER.

I'M SORRY.

- IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

- IS IT? HONESTLY, IS IT?

I MEAN, I GUESS I JUST NEED TO LEAVE BEN ALONE.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS HE WANTS.

[groans] OKAY.

WELL, THIS STEAMROLLER IS HANGIN' UP HER...

THE ROLLY THING ON THE FRONT OF THE MACHINE.

WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?

- THE ROLLER? - PROBABLY.

OKAY.

- GOT YOU A LITTLE PICK-ME-UP, TOMMY.

A TRIPLE-DECKER HAM AND CHEESE FROM THE CAFETERIA.

ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.

- TWO PATHETIC GUYS EATING PATHETIC SANDWICHES.

SOUNDS TERRIFIC.

I GUESS I'M JERRY NOW.

AFTER WORK, I'LL JUST GO HOME,

STRAIGHT TO MY BORING HOUSE,

KISS MY WIFE, AND HAVE A HOME-COOKED MEAL

WITH MY THREE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS.

WHAT A MISERABLE LIFE.

- I HAVE BEEN HERE, WELL, 30-SOME YEARS,

AND THE BEST WAY TO COPE WITH THIS JOB

IS TO DO EVERYTHING THE EXACT SAME WAY

EVERY DAY.

HECK, I STILL USE MY ORIGINAL I.D. CARD

FROM MY FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.

CHECK THIS OUT.

- OH, MY GOD.

- [giggles] - I GOT TO GO.

PUT MY SAMMIE IN THE FRIDGE.

- MOUSE RAT CD, $30.

CANDY BARS, $50. $50.

GOD, PEOPLE HERE ARE SO CHEAP.

- APRIL, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

OVER TWO PHONE CALLS CAME IN UNIMPEDED.

- WE'RE RAISING MONEY FOR MY COLLEGE EDUCATION, RON.

I TOOK A SECOND JOB BACK AT MY OLD JOB.

DO YOU WANT A SHOE SHINE?

- IT'S $100. - [chuckles]

- LAUGH ALL YOU WANT, KYLE.

I ALREADY TOOK THE MONEY OUT OF YOUR WALLET.

- OH.

- GOOD NEWS, SON.

YOU HAVE JUST WON A RON SWANSON SCHOLARSHIP.

- I DON'T THINK SO. I DON'T REMEMBER APPLYING FOR--

- NO, AN--ANDY.

RON SWANSON...

[whispers] SCHOLARSHIP.

- WAIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- STOP THIS.

- NO.

- STOP, OR YOU LOSE THE MONEY.

WHY NOT?

I LIKE THE KID, AND I HAVE THE MONEY.

ONE THING I PROMISED MYSELF

WHEN I BURIED GOLD IN MY BACKYARD

WAS THAT I'D NEVER BE A HOARDER OR A MISER ABOUT IT.

- HEY.

- OKAY, IS THIS HEALTH DEPARTMENT BUSINESS

OR LESLIE BUSINESS?

- YOU NEED TO GO TALK TO HER.

- WHY? SO SHE CAN FORCE ME

TO SPEND TIME WITH HER AGAIN?

NO. NO WAY. I'M DONE TALKING.

- LISTEN, I KNOW SHE CAN BE

STRONG-WILLED AND DIFFICULT, OKAY?

SHE ONCE MADE ME EAT AN ENTIRE CHEESECAKE

AT A POTLUCK SO SHE DIDN'T LOOK BAD.

BUT I REALLY THINK SHE'S READY TO LISTEN.

- YOU ATE AN ENTIRE CHEESECAKE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST THROW IT AWAY?

- BECAUSE WITH EVERYTHING SHE'S DONE FOR ME,

I WOULD EAT TEN CHEESECAKES FOR HER.

ALSO, P.S., IT WAS DELICIOUS AND AMAZING,

LIKE EVERYTHING SHE DOES.

WILL YOU PLEASE JUST TALK TO HER? FOR MY SAKE?

I DON'T HAVE UNLIMITED TEXTING,

AND WHEN SHE CAN'T TALK TO YOU, SHE TEXTS ME.

- SO WE TAKE THE OLD LOGO FROM THE 1970s,

AND WE MAKE LIMITED-EDITION HATS, POSTERS,

T-SHIRTS, EVERYTHING.

PEOPLE LOVE LIMITED EDITIONS,

PLUS PARENTS WILL GET SWEPT UP IN THE NOSTALGIA

AND WANT TO GO TO THE PARKS

TO RECREATE THE FUN THEY HAD GROWING UP.

- THIS...IS AMAZING.

IT IS POSSIBLY THE BEST IDEA ANYONE HAS HAD

IN THIS GOVERNMENT IN 100 YEARS.

TOM, TERRIFIC.

- THANKS, BUT MOST OF THE CREDIT GOES TO MY NUMBER-FOUR, JERRY.

HE SHARED SOME WORDS OF WISDOM WITH ME TODAY,

AND WHILE HE WAS YAMMERING ON ABOUT WHATEVER,

I HAPPENED TO SEE HIS OLD I.D. CARD.

THANKS, BUDDY.

- YEAH.

[crickets chirping]

- I WASN'T SURE YOU WERE GONNA COME.

- WELL, I GOT VERY CURIOUS

WHEN YOU ONLY LEFT ME ONE VOICEMAIL MESSAGE,

INSTEAD OF YOUR USUAL 20.

- I'M TRYING TO BE A LITTLE LESS INTENSE

AND A LITTLE MORE CONSIDERATE.

HERE, HAVE A SEAT.

BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO.

- OKAY. I WANT TO.

- [sighs]

I NEVER LISTENED TO WHAT YOU WANTED,

OR HOW YOU WANTED US TO BE WHEN THINGS...

ENDED BETWEEN US.

I JUST DECIDED WHAT I WANTED,

AND I GOT UPSET WHEN YOU DIDN'T WANT THE SAME THING.

I KNOW THAT'S NOT FAIR,

AND I'M VERY SORRY.

- WELL, THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE THAT.

- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY MORE CONTACT WITH ME,

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND.

- I--I DON'T WANT THAT.

REALLY.

BUT I JUST THINK IT'S FOR THE BEST.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

OKAY.

- THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION.

WE COULD JUST SAY "SCREW IT"

AND DO THIS THING FOR REAL.

- WHAT?

- I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY.

I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

SO LET'S JUST SAY "SCREW IT."

- NO, WE WOULD HAVE TO TELL CHRIS.

- YEAH.

- IT COULD TURN INTO A SCANDAL.

- YEAH. - IT COULD HURT YOUR CAMPAIGN.

I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU IMAGINE WE DO THIS?

- I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I--I KNOW HOW I FEEL,

AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

BUT I'M DONE STEAMROLLING PEOPLE.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL. HOW DO YOU FEEL?

- FIRST DAY. YOU READY?

- AS READY AS I'LL EVER BE.

OH, CRAP, I FORGOT MY BOOKS. AND MY COMPUTER.

- JUST PAY ATTENTION TO THE LECTURE AND ENJOY.

MY FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE, MY FATHER DROPPED ME OFF

AT THE STEEL MILL.

HE DIDN'T THINK I SHOULD GO TO COLLEGE.

BUT I HITCHED A RIDE, ENROLLED,

AND LEARNED A LOT.

I HOPE ANDY DOES TOO.

- WE NEED TO START TEACHING WOMEN FOOTBALL,

TEACHING WOMEN U.F.C.,

TEACHING THEM TO DRIVE TRUCKS WITHOUT CRASHING.

"HEY, MAYBE I'M ONLY SEXY.

"THEN--MAYBE THAT'S ALL YOU SEE,

"BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN GIVE ME EXTRA MONEY.

"TIP MONEY AND STUFF.

I'LL FLIRT WITH YOU, WRITE MY NAME ON A NAPKIN."

THEY'RE GONNA DO IT IN A RIGHT, KIND OF LEGAL WAY

THAT EMPOWERS PROSTITUTION.

WE DON'T REST UNTIL WE GET THAT.

THAT WILL BE PROGRESS.

- THAT IS EXTREMELY INCORRECT.

- I THOUGHT-- I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS

WHEN I WAS-- I, UH--

I'LL GET 'EM NEXT TIME. BACK TO YOU, PROFESSOR.

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