Original subtitles

- EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU LESLIE KNOPE? - YES.

- WE ARE PART OF A GROUP

THAT TRIES TO IDENTIFY POTENTIAL CANDIDATES

FOR POLITICAL OFFICE HERE IN TOWN.

ARE YOU THEORETICALLY INTERESTED IN RUNNING FOR OFFICE?

- ABSO-TOOT-LY I AM.

VERY SORRY THAT I JUST USED THAT WORD.

- BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I NEED YOU TO TELL ME

IS THERE A SCANDAL OUT THERE?

IS THERE ANYTHING AT ALL YOU NEED TO TELL US ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

- NOPE.

- WHO WERE THE SUITS?

- THEY WANT ME TO RUN FOR OFFICE.

- OH, MY GOD! LESLIE, YEA!

- I KNOW, RIGHT? YEA.

- YEA! - YEA!

- YEA! - YEA!

- WAIT, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ABOUT YOU AND BEN?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE REALLY BAD.

- UH-OH. YOU JUST WANNA GO BACK TO SAYING "YEA"?

- YES, PLEASE.

- OKAY, YEA. - YEA. YEA.

- KNOPE, FOLLOW ME. - JUST ONE SECOND.

- NOW! - RON, HEY!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! RON! RON, RON, RON, RON, RON!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- MY EX-WIFE TAMMY IS BACK.

- YEAH, I SAW HER IN THE COURTYARD.

- NO, MY OTHER EX-WIFE TAMMY. TAMMY ONE.

I HAVE ACCRUED 228 PERSONAL DAYS.

STARTING RIGHT NOW, I'M USING ALL OF THEM.

[grunt]

WHILE I'M GONE, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

- AH! [metal clanging]

- ALSO, I KEEP A SIZABLE SUPPLY OF GROUND CHUCK IN MY DESK.

REMOVE IT OR IT WILL BEGIN TO SMELL.

GODSPEED.

- HI, RON. - MOVE!

- WHOA!

AH, GEEZ.

[triumphant music]

*

- WARNING! HIGH LEVELS OF SWAGGER COMING THROUGH.

TOMMY HAVERFORD BACK IN THE PARKS DEPARTMENT.

ENTERTAINMENT720 HOCKEY JERSEY, ANYBODY?

BRANDED MOUSE PAD?

ENTERTAINMENT720 IS JUST A LITTLE MULTI-NATIONAL

ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY THAT I STARTED WITH MY BOY

JEAN-RALPHIO.

WHAT EXACTLY DO WE DO?

LET'S JUST SAY IT'S TOO HARD TO EXPLAIN.

DONNA, YOU LOOK AMAZING. HOW ARE THE KIDS?

- I DON'T HAVE KIDS. - WOW.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN? - THREE WEEKS.

- [sigh]

- SO DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO LOOK

AT MY SAMPLE POSITION PAPERS?

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MY STANCE ON EGYPTIAN DEBT RELIEF?

- UH, WELL, IT PROBABLY WON'T COME UP

IN A LOCAL CITY COUNCIL ELECTION.

BUT YOUR THOROUGHNESS, AS ALWAYS, IS IMPRESSIVE.

- THANK YOU.

- NOW, WE HAVE THREE MONTHS.

I THINK WE SHOULD START TALKING STRATEGY.

- MY STRATEGY IS TO WIN.

I'VE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT RUNNING FOR PUBLIC OFFICE MY WHOLE LIFE.

WHILE OTHER GIRLS WERE PLAYING WITH BARBIES,

I WAS PLAYING WITH A GERALDINE FERRARO ACTION FIGURE

THAT I MADE MYSELF FROM A PICTURE OF HER THAT I GLUED

ONTO A POPSICLE STICK.

- SEE YOU NEXT WEEK?

- OKAY, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

HEY! WHAT--

- WHO WAS THAT? - UH...

LADY--JUST LADIES.

MEETING FOR THE LADIES' YACHT CLUB.

ANCHORS AWAY, LADIES. - WHAT?

- JUST DON'T--

- LADIES' YACHT CLUB?

- I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HIM YET.

- AFTER I TELL HIM, I'M RUNNING FOR OFFICE,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO BREAK UP.

- WHY CAN'T YOU JUST KEEP SNEAKING AROUND?

- ANN, YOU BEAUTIFUL, NAIVE, SOPHISTICATED, NEWBORN BABY.

- WHAT?

- BEFORE, IF PEOPLE FOUND OUT, WE WOULD MAYBE LOSE OUR JOBS.

NOW, IF PEOPLE FIND OUT, IT'S GONNA BE A MAJOR SCANDAL.

MY CAMPAIGN WILL BE OVER BEFORE IT BEGINS.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? - I HAVE A PLAN.

AND IT'S REALLY GOOD.

I'M GONNA POSTPONE TELLING HIM

UNTIL YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO.

SO GET CRACKIN'.

- HOW IS THIS ON ME? [cell phone chimes]

- FINE! I'LL DO IT. GOD, WHO KEEPS EMAILING ME?

A PENIS. - WHAT?

[cell phone chimes] OH, MY GOD.

OH--

IT'S EMAILING ME TOO.

- WHOEVER THIS IS SENT IT TO EVERY WOMAN

IN THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT.

- OH, MY GOD.

HE'S GONNA BE SO EMBARRASSED. I MEAN, THAT'S A CRAZY ACCIDENT.

- NO, ANDY, HE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? RESPECT. THAT'S A BALLER MOVE.

PUN INTENDED.

- EXCUSE ME.

- CHRIS, JERRY'S MAKING US LOOK AT DIRTY PICTURES

ON HIS COMPUTER.

- IT IS EXACTLY BECAUSE OF THAT LEWD PHOTO

THAT I AM HERE.

BEN AND I ARE LAUNCHING A FULL INVESTIGATION.

AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL THE WOMEN...

AND JERRY.

IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME, AND CUT YOUR EYEBALLS OUT,

I WOULD.

- WOW, THAT IS SO SWEET. - THANK YOU.

- WE ARE GETTING A LOT OF MEDIA REQUESTS ABOUT THIS.

SO LESLIE, CAN YOU DO PERD HAPLEY?

- HO! SHE CAN DO PERD HAPLEY.

- HI-OH!

- SERIOUSLY, CAN YOU DO HIS TV SHOW?

- OH, YEAH.

- ANDREW MY MAN-DREW, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

- I'M ABOUT TO DO AN EXPERIMENT WHERE I HUCK THIS AT THE WALL

AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

BUT THAT CAN WAIT. SHOE SHINE?

- ANDY, I'M GONNA BE HONEST.

I CAME HERE TODAY TO TALK TO YOU.

NOW LOOK, YOU'RE ENTHUSIASTIC. YOU'RE HARD-WORKING.

YOU CAN LIFT HEAVY THINGS.

I THINK THERE MIGHT BE A PLACE FOR YOU

OVER AT ENTERTAINMENT720.

- OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS THAT?

- IT'S MY COMPANY!

- I DON'T KNOW, TOM.

I MEAN, I'M JUST NOW GETTING REALLY GOOD AT SHOE SHINING.

AND I MEAN, I'M STILL PRETTY BAD AT IT.

- LET ME ASK YOU THIS. ARE YOU LIVING YOUR DREAMS?

- I DON'T KNOW, TOM. - WELL, I'M LIVING MINE.

AND IF YOU WANNA LIVE YOURS, HERE'S MY CARD.

- IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO READ. - BLACK PRINT, BLACK BACKGROUND.

IT'S THE COOLEST POSSIBLE COLOR SCHEME.

- YEAH. - IT'S ALSO A STRONG MAGNET.

SO DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR WALLET. IT WILL ERASE YOUR CREDIT CARDS,

GUARANTEED.

- DESTROY MY CREDIT CARDS. DEBT AND EVERYTHING?

- MR. MAYOR, I PROMISE YOU THAT WE WILL FIND THE OWNER

OF THAT WEINER

AND WE WILL PUNISH HIM. GOOD-BYE.

ANN PERKINS! - HEY.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHO TO COME TO WITH THIS,

BUT THAT PICTURE, UH--THERE'S SOMETHING VERY DISTURBING

ABOUT THE TESTICLES.

- I'VE ALWAYS FELT THE SAME WAY MYSELF.

THE TESTICLES ARE LIKE THE EARS OF THE GENITAL SYSTEM.

THEY SERVE A VERY IMPORTANT FUNCTION,

BUT THEY'RE NOT THAT GREAT TO LOOK AT.

- OKAY, WOW. NO, I WAS SPEAKING MEDICALLY.

THEY'RE ENLARGED.

I THINK THAT MAYBE THAT GUY IS SICK WITH SOMETHING--

PERHAPS, A HERNIA, OR MUMPS.

- ANN PERKINS! YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR TESTES.

- THANK YOU?

- FOR A FEMALE PERSPECTIVE ON THIS SCANDAL,

WE TURN TO A WOMAN, LESLIE KNOPE.

I'M ABOUT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION RIGHT NOW

AND THAT QUESTION IS THIS.

THE LEWD PHOTO-- JUST HOW BIG A DEAL IS IT?

- WELL, FRANKLY, PERD, IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- [laughing heartily] I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

BUT IT HAD THE CADENCE OF A JOKE.

- WHEN MEN IN GOVERNMENT BEHAVE THIS WAY,

THEY BETRAY THE PUBLIC'S TRUST.

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR MORE WOMEN TO BE IN CHARGE.

- THERE YOU HAVE IT, WHERE "IT" IS THE THING

LESLIE KNOPE JUST SAID ABOUT THIS SITUATION.

PERD HAP--

- HOW WAS THAT? WAS THAT OKAY?

- AMAZING. THAT SOUND BITE IS GOLD.

- YOU'RE GONNA GET GREAT FEEDBACK ON THIS,

AND WE THINK WE CAN CAPITALIZE.

YOU'RE GONNA ANNOUNCE YOUR CANDIDACY ON FRIDAY.

- FRIDAY. IN THREE MONTHS.

- NO, THIS FRIDAY. IS THAT OKAY?

- NO, YEAH. YES, IT IS GREAT.

OKAY, WE'LL DO THAT THEN NOW SOON.

AND, UM, I JUST HAVE SOMETHING I'VE BEEN POSTPONING FOR A WHILE

THAT I NEED TO DO, BUT I'LL DO IT NOW.

- GREAT. - GREAT.

YEA.

- I KNOW IT. HA HA. OKAY.

- BEN? I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

- THAT WAS MY BROTHER. HE JUST HAD A BABY GIRL.

- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S HORRIBLE. OR GOOD--FULL DISCLOSURE.

I DIDN'T LISTEN TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING--

- OKAY, WELL, BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,

LET ME JUST SHOW YOU WHAT I GOT AT DOUG'S DONUTS.

IT'S AN L-SHAPED ECLAIR!

THE "L" IS FOR LESLIE... FOR YOUR NAME.

[knocking] - HEY.

HOW ARE YOU? - BAD, REALLY BAD.

- OH, GOD. HOW DID THE BREAKUP GO?

- WELL, I STARTED CRYING BECAUSE HE GAVE ME AN ECLAIR.

AND THEN WE MADE OUT AND SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER.

BUT THIS MORNING IN THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY,

I COOKED BREAKFAST AND WE MADE OUT SOME MORE.

- WOW, YOU OPPOSITE-OF-BROKE-UP WITH HIM.

- HE GAVE ME AN ECLAIR, ANN!

- JOE, I'VE DETERMINED THAT THE LEWD PICTURE WAS SENT BY YOU

BECAUSE YOU SENT IT FROM YOUR PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS,

STINKMASTER69@ALUMNI. SARAHLAWRENCECOLLEGE.EDU.

REALLY? SARAH LAWRENCE?

- YEAH. I WANTED A SMALL COLLEGE EXPERIENCE.

- YOU ALSO BRAGGED ABOUT IT TO MANY OF YOUR CO-WORKERS.

- THERE'S AN OLD SEWAGE DEPARTMENT SAYING.

"IF YOU'VE GOT A NICE DRAINPIPE,

THERE'S NO REASON TO HIDE IT."

- I DOUBT THAT'S A SAYING.

WE ARE TERMINATING YOU EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

- IS THIS BECAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS?

- NO. IT'S BECAUSE YOU BROKE THE LAW.

- THE LAW OF HAVING AN AMAZING PACKAGE.

- BEFORE WE HAVE HIM FORCIBLY REMOVED,

YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS, THAT ONE OF OUR FEMALE EMPLOYEES,

A NURSE, EXAMINED THE PHOTO YOU SENT HER--

- I BET SHE DID.

- AND YOU HAVE THE MUMPS.

YOU MIGHT WANNA GET THAT CHECKED.

- SWEET.

SOMEONE'S GOT MUMPS ON HIS LUMPS.

UP HIGH. ANYONE?

- RON ISN'T HERE.

HIS EX-WIFE TAMMY CAME, AND HE GOT SCARED AND RAN AWAY.

WELL, AS ACTING MANAGER OF THE PARKS DEPARTMENT,

I DECLARE THAT EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING IS STUPID.

I LOVE YOU.

- HEY, SO TOM OFFERED ME A JOB AGAIN.

AS MY MANAGER, WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?

- I THINK IT'D BE KINDA COOL TO WORK FOR TOM.

- SO TAKE IT.

- BUT WORKING AT A START-UP CAN BE KIND OF RISKY.

- SO DON'T TAKE IT.

- BUT TOM TOLD ME TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS.

- SO TAKE IT.

- BUT THIS ISN'T MY DREAM. - SO DON'T TAKE IT.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. - ME NEITHER.

- YOU GIVE SUCH GOOD ADVICE.

BABE, I LOVE YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

[cell phone chimes]

[cell phone chimes] - ANN PERKINS!

- HEY. DID YOU MAYBE TELL PEOPLE

THAT I DIAGNOSED THAT GUY WITH MUMPS BASED ON HIS PORN PHOTO?

- I DID! I WAS SO PROUD OF YOU.

- OKAY, BECAUSE NOW I HAVE EVERYONE IN CITY HALL

SENDING ME PICTURES OF THEIR JUNK,

ASKING ME IF THEY HAVE MUMPS.

- OH, MY GOD.

YOUR INBOX IS LITERALLY FILLED WITH PENISES.

- MM-HMM. - I AM SO SORRY.

[cell phone chimes]

- OH, LOOK. ED MILLER FROM PAYROLL.

- BEFORE I DO THIS, IS THERE ANY POSSIBLE WAY THAT

WE COULD STILL KEEP DATING? [cell phone chimes]

- WE'VE ATTACKED THIS FROM ALL ANGLES.

EITHER YOU DON'T RUN FOR OFFICE--

- WHICH IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.

- OR YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM AND AVOID A POTENTIAL SCANDAL.

[cell phone chimes]

- DO YOU NEED TO GET THAT? - NO, IT'S JUST PENISES.

LESLIE, I DON'T WANT YOU TO BREAK UP WITH HIM EITHER.

THERE'S JUST NO OTHER WAY. - YEAH.

- JUST BE DIRECT AND HONEST.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

HMM.

IT'S THE ENTIRE SANITATION DEPARTMENT FOR MUNCIE.

OOH.

- WOULD YOU LIKE ANY WINE TO START?

- YES, AND I'M GONNA BE DIRECT AND HONEST WITH YOU.

I WOULD LIKE A GLASS OF RED WINE

AND I'LL TAKE THE CHEAPEST ONE YOU HAVE

BECAUSE I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

- I'LL HAVE THE SAME. - GREAT.

- OKAY. HERE'S THE DEAL. - OKAY.

- I REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU. - I LIKE YOU TOO.

AND I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

- I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT. - I THINK I DO.

- OH, I DON'T. - AND, UM...

I GOT YOU SOMETHING. - NO. WHAT IS THIS?

IS THIS JEWELRY? - IT'S NOT, JUST OPEN IT.

- NO. OH, I NEED TO GO TO...

ANOTHER PLACE.

I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM-- THE WHIZ PALACE,

AS WE LIKE TO CALL IT HERE--

AND I'M GOING TO BE BACK AND I'M NOT GONNA SPLIT.

I'M HERE FOR YOU BECAUSE WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT STUFF.

OKAY? - ALL RIGHT.

- WAIT--

RON. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- RUNNING AWAY FROM MY PROBLEMS.

- COME ON IN.

[door slams]

- OKAY, SO HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

- I DIDN'T ASK.

- FRIDAY, I'M SUPPOSED TO ANNOUNCE THAT I'M RUNNING

FOR CITY COUNCIL, AND I HAVEN'T TOLD BEN YET.

I KNOW I SAID THAT WE BROKE UP, BUT WE COULDN'T.

WE'RE STILL DATING.

BUT NOW I HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR REAL,

BUT I DON'T WANNA BREAK UP WITH HIM

BECAUSE HE'S SO CUTE. HE'S SO NICE.

- IF YOU'RE GONNA STAY HERE, THERE ARE THREE RULES

YOU NEED TO FOLLOW.

ONE, NO TALK ABOUT TAMMY ONE. TWO, NO TALK ABOUT BEN.

THREE, NO TALK.

- I DIDN'T EVEN ASK YOU LAST NIGHT.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH TAMMY ONE?

- YOU JUST VIOLATED RULES NUMBER ONE AND THREE.

YOU LOSE YOUR COFFEE PRIVILEGES.

- OH.

- OH, YOU CHOOSE, KNOPE-- HUNTING, FISHING, OR DRINKING?

- I'D REALLY LOVE TO SHOOT A GUN RIGHT NOW.

- FISHING IT IS.

- AND SO EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, ALL MALE EMPLOYEES

MUST STOP SENDING EXPLICIT PHOTOS TO MS. PERKINS.

- IF I MAY, WHAT IF BASED ON EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE,

I TRULY BELIEVE THERE'S A GRAVE AND IMMEDIATE MEDICAL EMERGENCY?

WERE THAT THE CASE, COULD I THEN SHOW YOU MY DONG?

- NO.

- THAT WOULD BE HARASSMENT. - FAIR ENOUGH.

NOW COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCENARIO.

LET'S SAY I'VE BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF WOMEN'S GOLF

AND I'VE HAD SOME WINE--

- HOW ABOUT THIS?

I'M GONNA GET A MALE DOCTOR TO COME IN AND DO SOME SCREENINGS.

- PERFECT.

JUST AS A BACKUP, I'M SENDING YOU SOME PHOTOS.

- THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY. - THAT'S ME.

[cell phone chimes]

- BRAND-NEW DAY, BRAND-NEW MERCH.

I GOT YOU GUYS SOME AWESOME ENTERTAINMENT720 STUFF.

DONNA, THIS IS FOR YOU. ENTERTAINMENT720 UMBRELLA.

ENTERTAINMENT720 FLY SWATTERS. RUBIK'S CUBE WITH MY FACE ON IT.

* BREATH MINTS

FIREPLACE BELLOWS.

AND...DRUM ROLL PLEASE.

[drum roll sound]

DRUM ROLL SOUND EFFECT KEY CHAIN.

- SHOULDN'T YOU BE WORKING AT YOUR NEW COMPANY, TOM?

- I AM WORKING, APRIL.

I'M MAKING HIGH-LEVEL NETWORK CONTACTS.

YOU THINK BETHENNY FRANKEL SITS BEHIND A DESK ALL DAY?

SHE MAKES $100 MILLION A YEAR. HOW MUCH YOU MAKE A YEAR?

- $101 MILLION.

- WELL, I, FOR ONE, AM HAPPY TO SEE TOM.

- THANKS, JERRY!

HERE. HAVE AN UMBRELLA AND SOME BREATH STRIPS.

- WHOA.

- ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH CHITCHAT, EVERYONE.

PLEASE GET BACK TO WORK. - YOU'RE NOT OUR BOSS.

- WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY TO ME? - MA'AM.

- SO...DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO THINK ABOUT MY OFFER?

- YEAH, I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.

I WANNA DO MY DREAMS, BUT I JUST DON'T THINK MY DREAM

IS WORKING FOR A COMPANY THAT PUTS LOGOS ON STUFF.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT MY COMPANY DOES.

ALTHOUGH, MAYBE WE'LL START.

- HEY, WHAT YOU THINK?

- DONNA...THAT LOOKS GREAT.

- I COULD DO WITHOUT THIS ONE.

- [grunts]

- SO RUNNING FOR OFFICE.

NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO FIND A REPLACEMENT FOR YOU.

- I MIGHT NOT WIN. - YOU'LL WIN.

- I MIGHT NOT RUN. - YOU SHOULD.

WHAT'S OUR PLAN HERE, KNOPE?

- I FIGURE WE BUILD A FIRE, ROAST THE FISH WE SHOT,

AND MAKE S'MORES.

- I DON'T HAVE THE MATERIAL FOR S'MORES.

- I DO.

I ALWAYS CARRY EMERGENCY S'MORE RATIONS IN MY CAR.

GIVEN YOUR HUNTING ABILITIES

AND MY CHOCOLATE SUPPLY,

I FIGURE WE COULD STAY UP HERE FOR TWO...THREE YEARS.

- YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS 12,

MY BROTHER SHOT ME IN THE PINKY TOE WITH A NAIL GUN.

GRANTED, IT WAS A HILARIOUS PRANK,

AND WE ALL HAD A GOOD LAUGH.

- THAT'S AWFUL.

- BUT I AVOIDED GOING TO THE DOCTOR.

I HATE PAPERWORK.

AFTER A FEW WEEKS, THE TOE JUST KINDA FELL OFF.

- YOU ONLY HAVE NINE TOES?

- I HAVE THE TOES I HAVE.

LET'S JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT.

THE POINT IS THE DOCTOR SAID IF I HAD COME IN RIGHT AWAY,

THEY MIGHT'VE SAVED THE TOE.

YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS.

- ESPECIALLY IF YOU ONLY HAVE NINE TOES.

SORRY. THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.

- I'M RON SWANSON. AND YOU'RE LESLIE [bleep] KNOPE.

YOU WITH ME?

- WELL, WHAT IS YOUR DREAM?

- IT'S TO BE THE BIGGEST ROCK STAR ON THE PLANET OBVIOUSLY.

BUT THAT COULD TAKE ANOTHER 3-5 YEARS.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

SHOE SHINING HAS BEEN A... BEEN A PRETTY WILD RIDE.

BUT IS IT POSSIBLE THERE'S SOMETHING MORE OUT THERE FOR ME?

- ANDY, THERE'S TONS OF STUFF YOU CAN DO.

I'LL HELP YOU FIGURE IT OUT.

- REALLY? - YES.

ONE YEAR FROM NOW, YOU, ANDY DWYER, WILL NO LONGER BE

A SHOE SHINIST.

- KYLE, BEAT IT.

I WANNA MAKE OUT WITH MY WIFE NOW.

- BUT YOU'VE ONLY DONE HALF OF ONE OF MY SHOES.

- HERE. NOW I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING.

SCRAM, KID. - [grunts, laughs]

- HELLO. - HEY, RON! WELCOME--

- STOP. FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS.

I PROMISED LESLIE I'D HIRE HER A NEW ASSISTANT

SO THE DEPARTMENT DOESN'T COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN

WHILE SHE RUNS FOR OFFICE.

- YOU'RE RUNNING FOR OFFICE? - YEAH, CITY COUNCIL.

- LESLIE, THAT IS GREAT. - THANK YOU.

- WILL YOU PLEDGE RIGHT NOW NOT TO RAISE TAXES?

- I THINK THAT'S PREMATURE. - NO PLEDGE, NO VOTE.

- THE POINT IS SHE NEEDS AN ASSISTANT.

START ASKING AROUND-- - HIRE ANDY.

ANDY CAN DO IT. - SURE, YEAH.

- DONE.

ANDY, YOU ARE NOW LESLIE'S ASSISTANT.

- HONEY.

- NO--

- LESLIE, I'M GONNA WORK MY ASS OFF FOR YOU.

I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU ASK ME. I WILL PROVE MYSELF.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY ME.

- NO, HONEY, NO.

- TOMORROW, THERE WILL BE A 300-PAGE ORIENTATION BOOKLET

AS WELL AS A DOZEN HOMEMADE COOKIES

IN THE SHAPE OF YOUR FACE.

BUT TODAY...

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE TO DO.

- IF ANY OF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL, TOO BAD.

DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS YOURSELVES LIKE ADULTS.

I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE, WAITING FOR TAMMY ONE.

- YOU WANT ME TO FIND HER?

- THERE'S NO NEED. SHE'LL FIND ME.

SHE HAS THE TRACKING ABILITY AND BODY ODOR OF A BLOODHOUND.

- OKAY, SO NOW YOU'RE SURE THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY, YOU KNOW,

DOWN THERE?

- YOU'RE PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

THAT MAN HAS THE LARGEST PENIS I HAVE EVER SEEN.

I ACTUALLY DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE HAS MUMPS.

FORGOT TO LOOK.

I WAS DISTRACTED BY THE LARGEST PENIS I HAVE EVER SEEN.

- I KNOW I'VE BEEN ACTING REALLY WEIRD LATELY,

AND, UM, I REALLY LIKE YOU.

WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY IS GONNA CONTRADICT THE IDEA

THAT I REALLY LIKE YOU, BUT THAT WON'T CHANGE--

- SO JUST OPEN THE BOX.

- PLEASE STOP BRINGING OUT THE BOX, OKAY?

- LESLIE-- - YOU'RE BEING REALLY NICE,

AND WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY IS GONNA MAKE YOU HATE ME.

- OKAY, THEN I'LL JUST OPEN THE BOX FOR YOU.

- WOW.

YOU KNEW?

- I FIGURED IT OUT A WHILE AGO.

I'M SORRY. I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU I KNEW.

BUT I JUST--I WANTED THIS TO LAST AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

WE HAVE TO BREAK UP.

- WHY? WHY DO WE HAVE TO BREAK UP?

- WELL, LESLIE, EVERYTHING YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED,

YOU HAVE EARNED AND YOU HAVE WORKED FOR.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO THINK THAT YOU GOT WHERE YOU ARE TODAY

BY SLEEPING WITH YOUR BOSS.

- BUT I REALLY LIKE SLEEPING WITH MY BOSS.

- YEAH...YEAH.

OKAY, LOOK. I'M GONNA MAKE THIS REAL EASY FOR YOU.

UM, IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME. I'M NOT READY FOR A COMMITMENT.

I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE.

I KNOW IT'S HARD TO HEAR THAT, BUT...

YOU'RE BORING, AND FRANKLY YOU DISGUST ME.

ECHH!

- HOW DID YOU FIGURE IT OUT?

- LESLIE, THERE WAS A DUDE IN THE LADIES' YACHT CLUB.

- YEAH, BUT I COVERED THAT PRETTY WELL.

- ALSO, YOU'VE BEEN MAKING CAMPAIGN SPEECHES IN YOUR SLEEP.

GRANTED, YOU ALWAYS DO THAT, BUT THEY GOT REALLY SPECIFIC

AND MOVING.

- DID I HAVE A GOOD OPENING LINE?

- IT WAS SIMPLE, BUT I LIKED IT.

- FRIENDS, HONORED GUESTS, PAWNEEANS.

I AM LESLIE KNOPE, AND I AM RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL.

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

- HELLO, TAMMY. - RONALD.

- THAT'S ENOUGH SMALL TALK. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- YOU REMEMBER WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING, I TRUST?

- YES. YOU RUIN PEOPLE'S LIVES.

- YOU'RE BEING AUDITED, RONALD.

- I DON'T CARE.

- THEN WHY IS YOUR MUSTACHE TREMBLING?

I'M HERE AS A FRIEND.

CALL IT NOSTALGIA.

OR PERHAPS GUILT FOR ALL THE TIMES

I TRIED TO SMOTHER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.

- I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP. - WRONG. YOU DO.

BUT AS YOU'RE SO FOND OF SAYING, IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.

GOOD LUCK.

I HOPE YOU DON'T GO TO JAIL.

SIT UP STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR BREASTS ANY FAVORS.

- THANK YOU.

- HI. YOUR BREASTS LOOK AMAZING.

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