Original subtitles

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, ladies and gentlemen,

for the first time ever in her new part-time job

in the Public Health Department at City Hall,

it's Ann Meredith Perkins! Yay!

Oh, Leslie, this is so nice!

I put a poisonous gas in one of these balloons,

so if any of them pops, you may die.

No, April, we would all die.

Gases fill the volume

of whatever container they're in.

School.

We have activities every hour on your first day.

10:00 A.M., Ann's first day waffle explosion.

11:00 A.M., the start-paperwork jamboree.

And then 12:00 noon sharp

is the inaugural d-Ann-ce party.

Welcome to City Hall, cupcake!

How many of you are in here?

There are seven. And you have an office mate.

His name is Stuart, and he's kind of a grouch.

I have an office mate?

Get these [Bleep] balloons out of here.

Hi. I'm Ann.

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

- Hey. - Hey.

Just to let you know,

I gave the senior center project to Donna.

Sounds good. The meeting's at 2:00?

Yes. Conference room "C".

Okay. I think at some point,

you and I should probably make out with each other.

Yeah, good call.

The best part of any relationship

is the beginning.

No problems, no fights.

Just white wine, cuddling,

and crazy amounts of History Channel documentaries.

Hey, we should take separate cars

to the restaurant tonight.

Chris is deadly serious about this...

I know.

I just don't wanna talk about it, okay?

I'll see you tonight.

Okay. Oh, by the way,

I have a meeting with Marlene Griggs-Knope.

Is that any relation?

- No. - Oh, okay.

Just a coincidence. We get it all the time.

We laugh about it.

But I've never met her.

- She's Filipino. - Mm.

Okay, bye.

Why don't you ju t tell Ben she's your mother?

Because Ben and I

are in this amazing little bubble right now,

and there's no room in here

for Chris' stupid rules about us not dating

or my ball-busting mother.

Oh, Leslie, I'm sorry,

but I don't think you thought this through.

You know what I should do? I should get my mother

a one-way ticket to London, leaving today.

And that way, Ben never has to meet her

and I could visit her in London.

Everybody wins.

What if he sees a picture of her on your desk?

What if Marlene says,

"Hey, have you met my daughter Leslie?

She works in the Parks Department."

Stuart, please, could you give us like 45 minutes?

- It's my office too. - Stuart.

Boy, that guy was rude.

I feel that some structural changes

could really unlock this department's potential.

- Jerry. - Hmm?

I believe you are capable of much more.

- I'm not. - Nonsense.

- Look in the mirror. - What?

You are an intelligent, charismatic,

beautiful superhero.

I'm making you head of Public Relations,

which means you'll be leading the daily briefing sessions.

Excellent idea.

This is my favorite part

about having a new city manager.

They always try to shake things up,

and their ideas are terrible,

and it brings City Hall to a grinding halt.

I just grab a few donuts,

sit back, and enjoy the show.

April, you are too valuable

to just be Ron's assistant.

So from now on, you are a multitasking executive aide,

assisting the entire office.

Is this a nightmare?

April, wake up.

Tom, I just wanna say

that you are a wonderful employee

and a terrific human being.

Meeting adjourned!

Tom.

I enjoy you.

You know what else I enjoy? Your entrepreneurial spirit.

I did recently sell my Chronicles of Riddick DVD

on eBay for $10.

Used the profits to buy the Blu-Ray.

That's terrific. I have an amazing project

for someone of your talents.

You are going to digitize

the entire city archives up on the fourth floor.

No! I hate the fourth floor!

Last time I was up there,

I saw someone buy crystal meth out of a vending machine.

It's a bad place.

You won't be alone. Andy.

Starting now,

you are nobody's shoeshine boy.

Starting now, you are an administrative assistant.

For three weeks. Then back to shoes.

Chris!

I wasn't super paying attention

to what you just said that we'll be doing,

but I will give 110%!

Well, as soon as you repeat yourself

in a more interesting way.

- Hey, Ben. - Hey, what's up?

Nothing much. Since I'm here, I just wanted to let you know

that Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mom.

What? Wh.. why?

Also, she can be cruel and difficult,

and she make snap judgments about people

that she holds on to for a very long time.

And she's kind of a bully.

Okay! Go in there you're gonna be great.

Oh God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Here... Sorry!

Hello.

I'm Mr. Ben Wyatt.

Looks like you got some shirt on your coffee.

Yeah. You know what happened?

I spilled it, but you know how it goes.

Fun anecdote.

The County School District

needs four new school buses.

I'm being stonewalled by the board,

and I'm hoping your office can help us out.

Okay.

Really? That's it?

Yeah. Actually, no. It...

it's probably not possible.

Then I'm confused, Ben,

because you just told me it was.

Five seconds ago.

I got a second box of donuts, if anybody...

What the [Bleep] is this?

This, Mr. Director, is your new desk.

Okay...

This desk is the epitome

of the Swedish concept of Jamstalldhet,

or "equality."

Imagine someone needs your attention.

- Somebody say my name. - Chris.

Swivel!

What is it, Jerry?

You told me to say your name.

And you did a great job, superstar.

Someone else say something.

You look like a freak.

Swivel!

April, that is not a very good attitude.

I will keep my eye on you

from my circular desk where I can see everything.

Tiny swivel. See how it works?

What about my office

and its many walls?

That becomes a new public waiting room.

You're gonna be more accessible than ever.

The fourth floor... Small Claims Court,

divorce filings, state-ordered drug tests.

It's somehow both freezing and humid.

There's a whole room on the fourth floor

where they store the knives they've confiscated from people

who went to the fourth floor to stab someone.

- You from parks and rec? - Yeah.

I'm here to show you around.

Oh, nice to meet you, ma'am. What's your name?

Ethel Beavers. Follow me.

Okay, this is you.

Whoa!

Double computers?

I get my own office phone.

Hello, wall street.

Buy more stocks. Now.

This phone kind of smells like a butt.

Try not to move things around,

'cause technically speaking,

this is still a crime scene.

Oh, here's your name tags.

Here.

Ethel, this shirt is from theory.

Name tags make holes. I'm not wearing this.

Well, do what you want.

Bye, Ethel!

Damn it.

Remind me next time to ask her where she was

when Lincoln got shot.

Remind... Tom... Ask... something.

You got it, boss.

Hey! Somebody made somebody a mix!

And I definitely heard your feedback from last time,

so I only put five Sarah Mclachlan songs

- on this one. - Cool.

Should we talk about how you claimed your mom

was a Filipino woman you'd never met?

Should we?

I was just trying to delay the inevitable.

If this turns into something real,

then we are gonna have to deal with Chris' rule,

and parents, and annoying flossing habits,

and a lot of un-fun stuff.

But not yet.

I just want to enjoy the bubble for a little while.

I'm sorry.

Everything's good?

No, it's not.

I was completely flustered.

I came off like an idiot.

I mean, at one point, for no reason,

I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.

I'm gonna go ask her how it went,

and I bet she loved you.

I loved him!

He's a total pushover.

Very odd guy, though.

He's like a goofy, spineless jellyfish.

Why do you ask, sweetheart?

No reason.

Don't worry about it. It's totally fine.

No, it's not fine.

What if she starts going around telling people

I'm a pushover?

No one's gonna believe that.

When I first met you,

I thought you were a fascist hardass.

- What? - A cute fascist hardass,

but still, you give off a very...

Education department

now officially requesting ten school buses.

I thought they only wanted four.

Well, now that I'm a pushover, why not ask for 10, or 20,

or 100 new school buses and a fleet of school yachts?

- How about that? - Hmm.

Here's what we're gonna do.

You are gonna tell me

everything there is to know about your mom,

and I'm gonna have another meeting with her,

and we're gonna have it out.

Or... we could go to Belize

and go scuba diving.

And we could look at the whale sharks.

You're certified, right? Let's get you certified.

April, do you have that usage report

that I asked for?

- Anything for you, Jerry. - Thank you.

Oh, come on! Why?

Excuse me.

There's a sign at Ramsett Park

that says "Do not drink the sprinkler water,"

so I made sun tea with it,

and now I have an infection.

Sir?

Sir, are... are... are...

are you listening to me, sir?

Sir, I'm talking to you!

Sir!

Sir, are you aware

that there is waste

in your water system?

Okay, you need to be strong, powerful, decisive.

This is not a meeting. It's a battle.

Normal meeting rules do not apply.

I'll be my mom,

and I'm gonna be very harsh with you,

and it's only because I like you a lot.

- Okay. - Go!

- Hello. - Wrong.

- What? - No preambles.

No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.

I'd like to discuss the new school bus.

I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss.

And you should be sitting by now.

- Uh, what? - Just walk in and take a seat.

Um...

"Um" is the sound in "dumb."

That's what she says to people.

And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.

God! Okay, should we just start over?

No. No, we need to put a pin in this.

Here is a list

of my mother's top 100 favorite conversation topics,

starting with Persian rugs,

ending with Daniel Craig.

You have ten minutes to memorize it.

- Deliverance the movie? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, God.

So Jerry is, like, basically my boss now...

which I'm never gonna work for him...

Ron's trapped in this weird desk prison,

and I now work at this traveling IV station.

This Mort Jansen's office?

Nope.

Tell Mort I said "your move."

Oh, my God. I wanna work up here with you guys.

This is awesome.

How many more of those stupid documents do you have to scan?

Just this one,

and all the ones in those boxes.

I gotta get out of here pronto.

Time to get those old ladies to do my work for me.

How?

By shining down on 'em

with the Haverford charm ray.

Wah-wah wah-wah wah-wah...

Well, well, well,

if it isn't Ethel Beavers.

What's up, beautiful?

Julianne Moore just called. She wants her hair back.

Nobody named Julien called.

Never mind. I just need to ask you

a couple of questions.

One, can you help me out with this project we're doing?

And, two, will you please invite me

to your 30th birthday party?

What are you doing?

I'm making a test call to your phone

to make sure it's working

so you don't miss any more calls.

You know what? Don't bother.

Maybe I'll just find an open window

- and plummet to my death. - Okay.

This... isn't gonna work.

Okay, you did not just swivel away

while I was talking to you.

This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy.

I'm down to one word a minute,

and the word is "perflipitusclub,"

because I can't fly spaceships.

Donna, you know as well as I do

these city manager shakeups always Peter out.

- You just have to wait. - Usually I'm with you.

But this is Chris Traeger, the Six Million dollar Man.

He won't quit.

So you need to swivel your ass down to his office

and have a word with him.

Mommy.

Oh!

Oh, that is so thoughtful of you.

Of course!

I just figured, hey,

why not put my mother in a good mood?

So it's my understanding

that despite what I said in our meeting,

you have somehow increased your request

for more school buses.

Excuse me,

but I'm having coffee with my daughter.

Maybe we could do this another time.

No, we're gonna talk about this now.

Or if you'd prefer,

I could put a permanent freeze on the education budget.

It's your call.

Wow, maybe you should talk to him, mom.

He seems pretty self-assured.

There's nothing left.

It's over.

Hey, hey, hey, don't say that.

Now, come on.

Get yourself together

and go out there and be the woman

you always knew you could be.

Thank you so much.

Who was that?

I don't know.

I saw her crying, and so I helped.

What did you wanna talk to me about?

Look, Chris, I'm very flattered

you thought of me for this amazing opportunity,

but I don't really know if this gig is in my wheelhouse.

I tend to work best with young, attractive people.

Tom, I have made you a project leader.

This is a big deal!

You should keep an open mind.

Let your brain unlock the door to your heart's future.

I made that expression up when I was 14.

Still in use today. By me.

Gotta jam.

You know what? It's just not possible.

And don't even bother trying to outflank me either,

because you will fail.

Where did all this confidence come from all of a sudden?

Hey, guys, come on. Let's relax.

- You know, Ms. Griggs-Knope... - Marlene.

There's probably a compromise here.

"Compromise is usually a sign of weakness."

Yes, it is, according to Andrew Carnegie.

But your demands remind me of a different quote,

from the great Bill Watterson...

"you need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw."

I love Calvin and Hobbes.

Me too!

I gotta say, this is some of my best work.

This could not have gone better.

They are really hitting it off.

Thank God. Crisis averted.

Well, I am very glad you came back up here.

Oh...

Yeah, me too.

- Yeah, uh... - So you have a deal.

Well, let me mull everything over,

and then we can reconnect and hash things out.

It might get rough, but that can be fun.

- Ben can handle it. - Yup, I can.

Okay, great.

- It was a pleasure. - Oh, mm-hmm.

What's so great is she was impressed by you too.

I mean, you could tell instantly that the way you guys

were connecting was really amazing.

Now, what I'm thinking is that maybe

we should go over to her house...

you two are just the cutest things

on four legs!

- Aw. - But why so much black?

It's like you're going to a funeral.

- She's got a point, babe. - So marry her then.

I wish!

Hey, sorry to interrupt the love fest,

but can you hand me that folder there, please, Ethel?

Oh, great.

Why you gotta be like that, Ethel?

Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib.

Stop laughing, Muriel.

Stop it!

I gotta say, I'm a genius.

The only thing my mom loves more than music boxes

is McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy.

So I made her...

A McSteamy-style music box,

and I thought maybe you could give it to her.

She would love you for it.

I think maybe that's not such a good idea.

Why?

I mean, it's not the best picture of him, but...

Your mom kind of...

Um...

Made a pass at me.

So Webster's dictionary

describes a pork as a...

no, it's park... park.

I'm sorry. Geez, okay. So...

You know what, can we start over?

Let's... let's go from the first thing I said... pork...

which, by the way,

they have a great pork sandwich in the cafeteria today.

- Ron Swanson. - Chris.

You have come up with a plan

so spectacularly horrible

that it might ruin the entire department.

- Now, wait a minute. - No, I mean that

as a compliment.

SO it pains me to say this...

My department has to go back to the way it was.

Give 'em time. They'll adjust.

No, they won't. They're miserable.

Tom only performs when there's someone to impress,

so marooning him on freak island

isn't helping anyone.

And you made April assistant to everyone?

You know who April hates?

Everyone.

And Jerry can only function if no one's looking.

You shine a light on him,

and he shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum.

Well, that's very perceptive, Ron.

And... very graphic.

I understand your point,

but there's no way that I get just rolled-over on this.

Okay.

You won't ever hear me say this again,

so savor this moment.

I may have a compromise.

Look, she was just flirting a little.

I'm sure she's not really interested in me.

Oh, my God. I can't even have this conversation.

The whole thing is screwed up now.

There's so many ways to destroy a bubble,

but my mom flirting with you is number one on the list.

And I'm sorry, I have to say this...

Were you asking for it in any way?

No!

- How were you dressed? - Oh, my God.

- I was wearing this. - Here's what we do.

You issue a government-wide memo

about sexual harassment, and then you go to Mexico.

Just for a couple of weeks.

Where are you going? Ben!

Ben! Wait. Just k...

Hey. Hi, mom.

- Hi again. - Leslie and I are dating.

We haven't told anyone

because there's a rule against office relationships,

but it's happening.

I'm sorry we didn't tell you before you touched my knee,

and I trust you won't tell anyone now,

since it could get your daughter fired.

That is hilarious.

That's what we thought too.

Well...

Four buses.

- Two. - Deal.

I like this one.

Me too.

You keep your hands off him.

Margaret's pecan squares.

They are like crack. I brought you one.

How are you so happy working here?

I don't know, man. It's not that bad.

A year ago I lived in a pit.

Now I got a job, and a kickass wife,

and my band is so good,

and are you gonna eat that pecan square?

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

I read that once on a can of lemonade.

I like to think that it applies to life.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Kind of figured you'd be back in your office by now.

Well, you know how new city managers are.

Seems like everyone else is back to normal.

How long do you have to do this?

A week.

Citizen request. Swivel, swivel, swivel.

Hello. I can help you in here, sir.

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

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