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Pawnee is, as you all know,
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00:00:02,502 --> 00:00:04,269
the fourth most obese city
in America.
3
00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:05,738
Soon to be number three.
4
00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:07,673
We're coming for you, San Antonio.
5
00:00:07,707 --> 00:00:09,341
No, we are not.
6
00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:11,076
We are slimming down...
7
00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:12,978
Starting right here at City Hall.
8
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,113
I am implementing
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00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:16,415
a government-wide health initiative.
10
00:00:16,449 --> 00:00:18,584
We could have
a City Hall dodgeball league.
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00:00:18,618 --> 00:00:20,152
I have first pick, and my pick is Ron.
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00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:22,187
Great idea. Keep 'em coming.
13
00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:23,722
Now, if anybody would like to join me,
14
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,391
I will be running backwards
up the big hill
15
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:26,425
behind the Wal-Mart.
16
00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:29,228
Don't freak out,
17
00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:32,431
but Joe from sewage just
unhooked your bra with his eyes.
18
00:00:32,465 --> 00:00:35,567
What? Oh, boy.
19
00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:37,536
Hi, Joe. What's up, Knope?
20
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:39,038
Looking good these days.
21
00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:42,074
What do you say? Van's out back.
22
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,375
Let's roll.
23
00:00:43,410 --> 00:00:45,010
- Where's this coming from?
- I don't know.
24
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,545
You're putting out some vibe today.
25
00:00:46,579 --> 00:00:47,880
It's just driving me crazy.
26
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:50,049
Listen, if you're looking
for a good time,
27
00:00:50,083 --> 00:00:53,385
why don't you come on down
to the toilet party?
28
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:54,820
That's what we call
the sewage department.
29
00:00:54,854 --> 00:00:57,790
Great. Okay.
30
00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:59,158
Liking the view.
31
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:02,628
- Still got it, Joe.
- No, you don't.
32
00:01:02,662 --> 00:01:12,265
Corrected by www.addic7ed.com
33
00:01:23,716 --> 00:01:25,918
Christopher, got a second?
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00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:27,252
Oh, hey, Ron.
35
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:29,288
Listen, I've eaten
a commissary hamburger
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00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:31,090
for lunch every day for 12 years.
37
00:01:31,124 --> 00:01:32,624
I just wanted to make sure
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00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:34,159
this pointless health crusade
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00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:37,196
won't affect the only part
of my job that I like.
40
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,831
Oh, no, those hamburgers are gone.
41
00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:40,332
Red meat can cause sluggishness,
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00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:41,867
heart disease, even impotence.
43
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,470
Has the opposite effect on me.
44
00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:46,105
You ever tried a turkey burger?
45
00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:49,041
Is that a fried turkey leg
inside a grilled hamburger?
46
00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:50,776
If so, yes. Delicious.
47
00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:53,745
A turkey burger--you take
lean ground turkey meat,
48
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,814
and you make that into a
burger, instead of red meat.
49
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,483
Why would anyone do that
to themselves?
50
00:01:57,517 --> 00:02:00,352
What if I told you that
I could make a turkey burger
51
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:03,956
that tastes better than any
other burger you've ever had?
52
00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:06,458
Challenge accepted--
53
00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:08,894
Cook-off later today in the courtyard.
54
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:11,964
If I win, hamburgers remain
in the commissary.
55
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,799
What do I get if I win?
56
00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:15,367
The rarest jewel of all--
57
00:02:15,401 --> 00:02:18,003
Victory over me, Ron Swanson.
58
00:02:18,037 --> 00:02:20,539
I like that. We're on.
59
00:02:20,573 --> 00:02:22,141
You know, I can't
believe I'm saying this,
60
00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:25,144
but I actually checked out that,
uh--that snow globe museum
61
00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:27,579
that you recommended,
and it was pretty awesome,
62
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:28,714
I have to say.
63
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:30,315
I mean, I did get in trouble
for shaking one.
64
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,151
Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.
65
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:33,919
So I have some ideas
for the health initiative.
66
00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:36,655
Okay. How about I swing by later,
67
00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:38,690
and we'll just, you know,
maybe go over everything?
68
00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:41,260
Or we could go out after work--
69
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:44,530
You know, go to JJ's
or something, grab a bite.
70
00:02:44,564 --> 00:02:46,765
Um, I-I don't think I can.
71
00:02:46,799 --> 00:02:48,267
But why don't we just talk
about it later
72
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:51,503
in this building?
73
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:53,038
Okay? All right.
74
00:02:53,072 --> 00:02:55,741
But, uh, you're great,
and you have great ideas,
75
00:02:55,775 --> 00:02:57,676
and...
76
00:02:57,710 --> 00:03:01,013
Um...
77
00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:02,214
Uh, bye.
78
00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:07,286
Bye, babe.
79
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,421
Hey, I brought
this cholesterol-testing kit
80
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:11,190
for the health thing.
Okay, let's do it.
81
00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:14,893
So I asked Ben out to dinner,
and he said no.
82
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,196
What? He seemed really into you.
83
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:18,530
What did he say exactly?
84
00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,933
He was like, "huh? What?
Huh? Oh. Bye."
85
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:23,101
And then he walked into an
office that wasn't his.
86
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,536
Oh. You know what?
87
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:26,071
If he doesn't want to go out
with you, he's nuts.
88
00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:28,540
You're awesome, and there's a
million other guys out there.
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00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:31,610
I have been having so much fun
just dating a bunch of people.
90
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,745
I know. Who was that guy
you were talking to out there
91
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,614
and then also kissing? I was--
92
00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:37,583
Crap on a crayfish.
That really stings.
93
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:38,884
I haven't pricked you yet.
94
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,552
Oh, sorry. I was just picturing it.
95
00:03:40,587 --> 00:03:42,654
You know what?
Maybe you need to cast a wider net.
96
00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:44,056
Have you thought
about Internet dating?
97
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,457
Really? I don't think that's for me.
98
00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:47,559
Aah! You're a monster.
99
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:49,328
Still haven't done it yet.
You know what?
100
00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:50,929
I'll help you set up a profile.
It'll be fun.
101
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,764
All right, yeah, let's do it.
Okay, good.
102
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,299
- I'm glad that's over.
- Oh, it's not.
103
00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:57,302
You, Ann!
104
00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:00,372
Who the hell is "Forp"?
105
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:02,774
I don't know.
I couldn't really hear him.
106
00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,610
It sounded like his name was Forp.
107
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:06,511
- You get his number?
- No.
108
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:09,414
Good girl.
109
00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:10,916
Ron Swanson.
April Ludgate.
110
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,951
Hey, I'm just gonna pop over
to grain 'n simple
111
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,020
to get the very best
ingredients for my burger.
112
00:04:15,054 --> 00:04:17,856
- Do you want to come?
- What is grain 'n simple?
113
00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:19,658
It's a health-food store.
114
00:04:19,692 --> 00:04:21,260
Pawnee doesn't have
a health-food store.
115
00:04:21,294 --> 00:04:23,962
No, but Snerling does, and
it's only a 40-minute drive.
116
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,330
What are you doing, Andy?
117
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,499
I'm getting healthier snacks
for the shoeshine stand.
118
00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:29,001
Chris is a food genius.
119
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,702
Did you know that the food
you eat becomes energy?
120
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:34,439
Yeah. Boom! That's spaghetti.
121
00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:36,308
Nachos.
122
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,176
That's a cookie.
123
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,379
That's my husband.
124
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:42,648
- See you tomorrow?
- Okay.
125
00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:44,383
Is that a different guy from earlier?
126
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:46,385
- What?
- Never mind.
127
00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:47,919
You ready to rock this profile?
128
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:48,987
All right.
129
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,689
Yellow-haired female
130
00:04:50,723 --> 00:04:53,959
likes waffles and news.
131
00:04:53,993 --> 00:04:55,861
Sexy, well-read blonde
132
00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:57,829
loves the sweeter things in life.
133
00:04:57,864 --> 00:04:58,964
Much better.
134
00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:01,266
- Hobbies?
- Organizing my agenda.
135
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,534
Wait, that doesn't sound fun.
136
00:05:02,568 --> 00:05:05,337
Um, jamming on my planner.
137
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:06,638
Favorite place?
138
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:09,508
Upstairs there's this mural
of wildflowers,
139
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:11,209
and I like to sit on a bench
in front of it.
140
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,577
Really?
141
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:13,945
It could be anywhere in the world--
142
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,248
Paris, Hawaii,
the Grand Canyon.
143
00:05:16,282 --> 00:05:18,684
No, just the bench
in front of the mural.
144
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:19,951
What about, like,
an actual meadow
145
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,320
- where wildflowers are?
- Ew, Ann.
146
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,422
I'm scared of bees. Mural.
147
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:24,756
Okay, what do you think of dogs?
148
00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:25,824
Love.
149
00:05:25,858 --> 00:05:26,892
- Cats.
- Love.
150
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,493
- Fish.
- Love.
151
00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:30,128
Turtles.
152
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,964
No opinion.
153
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,499
They're condescending.
154
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:37,202
Describe your ideal man.
155
00:05:37,236 --> 00:05:40,238
He's dark and mysterious,
156
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:43,108
and he can sing,
and he plays the organ.
157
00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:45,944
I think you just described
the Phantom of the Opera.
158
00:05:45,978 --> 00:05:47,879
Mm.
159
00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:51,550
Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.
160
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:52,684
Hey, Chris.
161
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,086
Amber, Annie, Bill, Johnny.
162
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:58,390
No, I don't plan to buy anything here.
163
00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:01,460
I buy my burger ingredients
at food and stuff,
164
00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:03,962
a discount-food outlet
equidistant from my home
165
00:06:03,996 --> 00:06:05,297
and my work.
166
00:06:05,331 --> 00:06:09,134
I came here for the same
reason people go to the zoo.
167
00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:11,770
Shh.
168
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:15,707
Look at that thing.
169
00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:18,543
Nature is amazing.
170
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:20,879
Okay. Oh, my God.
171
00:06:20,913 --> 00:06:23,415
A 98% match.
172
00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:24,783
That's a soul-mate-level match.
173
00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:26,718
I've never seen anything
this high before.
174
00:06:27,753 --> 00:06:29,554
Awesome.
175
00:06:29,589 --> 00:06:31,623
Okay. I know what you're thinking.
176
00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:33,792
And you know what?
You have to forget about Ben.
177
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:35,660
He had his chance, and he blew it.
178
00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:39,398
This computer could have found
the future Mr. Leslie Knope.
179
00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:41,666
Yeah. Okay...
180
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:44,069
Entire universe of guys
I might date,
181
00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:46,304
let's see what you got.
182
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:47,472
Ah!
183
00:06:50,339 --> 00:06:52,435
This is Craig at hoosiermate.com.
How can I help you?
184
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,613
Craig, your service is crap.
185
00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:56,615
- Can you be more specific?
- Yes.
186
00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,083
Your soul-mate match
was totally wrong for me.
187
00:06:58,117 --> 00:06:59,851
I mean, I like him as a friend
and everything,
188
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:00,986
but I'd never go out with him.
189
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:02,454
He's like a little sister to me.
190
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:03,822
We have a very sophisticated algorithm
191
00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:05,791
that's paired up thousands of couples.
192
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,259
I actually met my wife on the site.
193
00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:08,593
Really? Well, that's not gonna last.
194
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:09,761
- Excuse me?
- You heard me.
195
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:11,797
Your marriage is a sham.
Good-bye, Craig.
196
00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:15,467
See you, sweetheart.
197
00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:16,868
Wow, he seems nice.
198
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,870
Eh. He kind of lives in a barn.
199
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:20,005
- What's up?
- What's wrong with me?
200
00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:22,707
Why do good guys hate me
and gross guys love me?
201
00:07:22,742 --> 00:07:23,942
Diagnose me.
You're a nurse.
202
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:25,777
There's nothing wrong with you.
203
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:28,780
You are an intelligent,
classy, attractive woman.
204
00:07:28,815 --> 00:07:31,216
But for whatever reason,
right now
205
00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:33,785
only douche-y guys are buying
what you're selling.
206
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:37,689
So I should go and ask them
what they think I'm selling.
207
00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:40,192
A douche-vestigation.
208
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:41,226
Nice.
209
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:42,994
Hi, Joe.
210
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,729
I know you're gonna take this
the wrong way,
211
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,131
but can I talk to you
for a second?
212
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:49,134
You can do anything to me
for any number of seconds.
213
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:50,702
- Hmm.
- Would you like to talk outside
214
00:07:50,736 --> 00:07:52,804
- in my van?
- No. Here's fine.
215
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:56,908
I was flattered
by what you said earlier.
216
00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:59,878
And I was just wondering, what
do you look for in a woman?
217
00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:02,914
She can't be in a wheelchair,
218
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:04,683
no canes, no gray hair.
219
00:08:04,717 --> 00:08:06,017
So basically
you're just attracted to me
220
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:07,319
because I'm not an elderly person.
221
00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:08,587
Yeah.
222
00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:10,822
And as I aforementioned,
223
00:08:10,857 --> 00:08:12,891
you have a killer dumpster.
224
00:08:14,927 --> 00:08:17,562
What does this do?
225
00:08:23,402 --> 00:08:25,937
Would you like to sample
our vegan bacon?
226
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:27,439
100% meatless.
227
00:08:27,473 --> 00:08:29,474
Yes, please.
228
00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:35,614
Another, please.
229
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:39,618
Sure.
230
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,219
S-sir, is there a problem?
231
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:44,422
I'm just making sure
no one ever has to eat this.
232
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,725
I-I don't think
I can give you anymore.
233
00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:47,993
I want one.
234
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:54,566
Yeah, I'm calling to lodge a complaint
235
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,302
about the seaweed and almond
under-eye cream
236
00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:58,937
I purchased from you guys.
237
00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:01,206
Oh, my problem is it smells terrible.
238
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,441
Yeah, I even mixed it
with another under-eye cream,
239
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,044
and it still smelled,
so I ruined two eye creams.
240
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:09,414
Yes, I will hold.
241
00:09:09,448 --> 00:09:11,883
Forever young
242
00:09:11,918 --> 00:09:13,385
I want to be
243
00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:15,787
forever young
244
00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:17,622
do you really want to live
245
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:18,790
forever?
246
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:21,960
What's this?
247
00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:23,929
Dragon fruit.
248
00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:25,897
What's this?
249
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,966
A kiwano or horned melon.
250
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,735
- What's this?
- A peach.
251
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,438
I knew that.
252
00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:34,739
Wow.
253
00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:38,243
Fresh lettuce
is my all-time favorite food.
254
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:39,244
What's your favorite food?
255
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:40,612
Oh, I take skittles,
256
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:43,281
and I put it between
two starbursts.
257
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,483
- You know what I call it?
- Skittle sandwich.
258
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:47,185
That's pretty good.
259
00:09:47,219 --> 00:09:50,121
No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.
260
00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:54,326
It's nice because the flavor
of the starbursts
261
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,427
really bring out
262
00:09:55,461 --> 00:10:00,999
a similar flavor in the skittles.
263
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:02,500
Forever young
264
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:05,103
- * I want to be forever young *
- Hey, Tom.
265
00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:07,138
Um... What's up?
266
00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:10,208
Do you want to go to lunch?
267
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:12,477
Uh, no, I don't really feel
like going to JJ's.
268
00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:13,545
We can go anywhere.
269
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:15,180
Your choice. I'm buying.
270
00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:17,616
Can I get apps and 'serts?
271
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:19,551
'Serts are what I call desserts.
272
00:10:19,585 --> 00:10:21,052
Tray-trays are entrees.
273
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:24,456
I call sandwiches Sammies,
Sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers.
274
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:27,225
Air conditioners
are cool blasterz, with a "z."
275
00:10:27,259 --> 00:10:28,793
I don't know where that came from.
276
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:30,729
I call cakes big old cookies.
277
00:10:30,763 --> 00:10:32,897
I call noodles long-ass rice.
278
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:35,300
Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick.
279
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:37,369
Chicken parm
is chicky-chicky parm-parm.
280
00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:39,738
Chicken cacciatore-- Chicky catch.
281
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:42,540
I call eggs pre-birds or future birds.
282
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,576
Root beer is super water.
283
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:46,411
Tortillas are bean blankies.
284
00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:48,680
And I call forks...
285
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:50,215
Food rakes.
286
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:53,585
Yeah, you can get
as many 'serts as you want.
287
00:10:53,619 --> 00:10:55,820
Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.
288
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:57,222
Car.
289
00:10:57,256 --> 00:10:58,890
This'll be fun.
290
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:01,059
Let's say you rub a bottle
and a genie comes out
291
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:03,194
and gives you three wishes--
What would those wishes be?
292
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:05,030
- Come on, Leslie.
- This'll be a fun game.
293
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:06,164
Three wishes. Go.
294
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:08,700
Okay, first wish,
I have a huge house
295
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:10,068
with a ton of balconies.
296
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:11,603
Yeah, okay.
297
00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:13,438
And I would just stand out
there observing my empire,
298
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:15,073
like a drug dealer
in a Michael Bay movie.
299
00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:18,443
And I'll just spend my time
out there reading my iPad
300
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:20,845
and drinking espressos
in a terrycloth robe.
301
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:22,781
Wish number two.
302
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:27,085
Okay, I'm the CEO
of the Spike TV Network.
303
00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:29,721
And my best friend / personal assistant
304
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,090
is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.
305
00:11:32,124 --> 00:11:34,826
And we create
a raunchy animated series
306
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:39,097
based on our friendship called
Tommy and the Foxx.
307
00:11:39,131 --> 00:11:41,132
Okay, we don't have
to do this anymore.
308
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:42,233
No, no, I'm into it now.
309
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,435
Wish number three--
310
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:45,003
They remake Point Break.
311
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:46,971
I play both roles--
312
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,940
Keanu and Swayze.
313
00:11:48,974 --> 00:11:51,042
I think if you continue
cross-training the way you have,
314
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:53,378
you're gonna--
315
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:54,879
I don't see any ingredients.
316
00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:57,348
- Have you bought ingredients?
- Nope.
317
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,818
- Do you need help shopping?
- No.
318
00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:01,252
Are you hurt?
Can you move?
319
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:02,454
Never felt better.
320
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:04,889
Chris!
321
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:06,257
Can I get these?
322
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,559
I said one thing.
323
00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:09,661
Eh. Honey?
324
00:12:09,695 --> 00:12:11,162
Pinwheel.
325
00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:14,766
Let's play a different game.
326
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,568
I'm gonna say stuff about me,
327
00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:17,902
and you say,
on a scale from one to ten,
328
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:19,671
how interested in
that thing you are.
329
00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:21,673
Ready? Okay.
330
00:12:21,707 --> 00:12:24,142
I love sunshine and fresh
air and early-morning walks.
331
00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:25,176
- One.
- I have read
332
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,511
five biographies
of Eleanor Roosevelt.
333
00:12:26,545 --> 00:12:27,879
- One.
- I work
334
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,247
- at the parks and recreation...
- One.
335
00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:30,615
- That's what you do.
- One.
336
00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:32,150
I once kissed
a girl in college...
337
00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:33,752
Eight.
338
00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:35,386
Where I graduated
Summa Cum Laude in history.
339
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:36,588
One, zero, negative a billion.
340
00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:38,857
Don't talk about it
anymore, please.
341
00:12:41,626 --> 00:12:44,963
I love food and stuff.
342
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:48,433
It's where I buy all of my food...
343
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:51,603
And most of my stuff.
344
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,171
Hey, can I get these?
345
00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:54,539
How much are they?
346
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:56,474
Two bucks apiece.
347
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,676
Good deal.
348
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,478
Anything else?
349
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:04,382
Nope. Just the crows and the beef.
350
00:13:04,416 --> 00:13:06,718
So the only thing that's
important to you is hotness?
351
00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:09,487
Wendy, Lucy. All you cared about
was the shape of their boobs?
352
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:10,955
No. I really liked them,
353
00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:13,191
and they happened
to have nice breasts.
354
00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:14,392
You're acting really weird.
355
00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:15,794
W-what'd you even
buy me lunch for--
356
00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:17,896
Just so you could yell at me
for what I like about women?
357
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:19,798
Okay.
358
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:21,132
Promise not to tell anyone?
359
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,001
- Sure.
- This is insane.
360
00:13:23,035 --> 00:13:26,604
But you and I got matched up
on hoosiermate.com.
361
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:29,674
98% match.
362
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:34,145
Soul-mate-level match.
363
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:36,214
You want to date me.
364
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:37,348
This is a date.
365
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,983
This is not a date, okay?
366
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,985
Uh, you took me to a
fancy restaurant.
367
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:42,587
You paid for my meal.
368
00:13:42,621 --> 00:13:44,189
And you're trying to get
to know me better.
369
00:13:44,223 --> 00:13:45,590
I was just trying to figure out
370
00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:47,926
why only sleazy guys
are into me right now.
371
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,228
Nice try. You love me.
372
00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:53,264
Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford
373
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:56,167
dating in the day,
dating in the night
374
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:58,903
dating all day
'cause he's keeping it tight
375
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:00,205
All right, Tom, enough.
376
00:14:00,239 --> 00:14:02,240
Dating in the car,
dating on the floor
377
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:05,009
dating everywhere,
'cause she wants some more
378
00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:12,383
Hey, Tom, I'm just printing
out these health tips.
379
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:14,552
- Can you grab them for me?
- One second.
380
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:17,055
I'm just looking
at some real-estate listings.
381
00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:18,957
Oh, this is perfect for us--
382
00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:22,393
Three bedroom,
and, oh, God, Les,
383
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:25,530
it has that dream closet
you've always wanted--
384
00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:27,932
- A walk-in closet.
- Oh, God.
385
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,801
Hey, hey, Boo.
386
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:33,471
What's wrong? Where'd you go?
387
00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:35,406
- Come back to me.
- Stop it.
388
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:37,775
Don't disappear on me.
I need you, Boo.
389
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,880
All right.
Uh, let's get into it.
390
00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:44,883
What do you guys have
for health tips?
391
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:46,117
Ben, if it's okay with you,
392
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:48,286
Leslie and I are gonna lead
the meeting today
393
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,622
because of our deep
spiritual connection.
394
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:52,690
Oka-- All right.
395
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,492
Is everything okay?
396
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:55,660
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
397
00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:56,961
Everything is great, Ben.
398
00:14:56,996 --> 00:15:00,098
Les and I just had
something magical happen today
399
00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:01,599
at lunch.
400
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,168
There is some weird juju
in this room right now.
401
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:06,604
Office yoga.
We do stretches at our desk
402
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,273
or next to our desk
or in a chair--
403
00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:09,841
always good for you.
404
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:11,242
Um...
405
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,778
We give everyone pedometers,
406
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:15,013
and we have a contest--
407
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:17,982
Whoever takes the most steps
wins a prize.
408
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:20,184
You know, anything to get
their heart rate up.
409
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,787
You know what else
gets people's heart rate up?
410
00:15:22,821 --> 00:15:24,689
Doing it.
411
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:27,659
Talking about sex with my boss.
412
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,828
Can you excuse us for a second?
413
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:31,863
Yeah.
414
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:33,231
Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?
415
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,666
Ow! Let me get out of the chair!
416
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,601
Hey! What is wrong with you?
417
00:15:36,635 --> 00:15:38,303
Leslie, it's the workplace.
418
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:39,804
You're being a little bit
too feisty right now.
419
00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:42,006
You are being a little bit
too much of an ass right now.
420
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:43,474
Okay? Knock it off.
421
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,877
I can't fight this feeling anymore.
422
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:47,478
You and I--
423
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:50,648
We're dating.
424
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,053
You should be so lucky.
425
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:56,187
- Leslie.
- Huh?
426
00:15:56,221 --> 00:15:59,424
Tom.
427
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,495
They should fix that.
428
00:16:05,128 --> 00:16:07,495
It was all-- just a joke.
429
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,334
I can assure you, there's
nothing romantic going on
430
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,102
- between me and Tom.
- I have a very strict policy--
431
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,570
No office relationships,
432
00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:15,273
particularly between
a supervisor and an employee.
433
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,641
The taxpayers pay us,
434
00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:18,209
so we can't have anything
435
00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:19,777
appearing even
remotely scandalous.
436
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,579
I'm just saying, if you can't
keep your mouth to yourself,
437
00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:24,682
- I'm gonna have to suspend you.
- I understand.
438
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:27,352
Look. Cucumber flower.
439
00:16:27,386 --> 00:16:29,520
Wow. That's so cute.
440
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:31,589
Wait, that's a garnish.
You're not supposed to eat that.
441
00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:32,991
What?
442
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:34,659
So just type up
those ones we talked about,
443
00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:36,260
and we'll get it
finalized tomorrow.
444
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,062
Yep.
445
00:16:38,097 --> 00:16:39,397
- Hey, Tom.
- Yep.
446
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:41,499
Um...
447
00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:44,402
What was all that stuff
with you and Leslie?
448
00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:47,005
Girl likes Indian food.
What can I say?
449
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:48,406
Fine.
450
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,708
We got matched up
on an online dating site.
451
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:53,044
And I was messing with her.
She got pissed.
452
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:55,380
So she took me out
in the hallway and kissed me
453
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:57,415
- out of revenge.
- Really?
454
00:16:57,449 --> 00:16:59,584
And as much as it pains me
to admit this,
455
00:16:59,618 --> 00:17:01,019
it was not disgusting.
456
00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:03,287
Okay, well,
I don't need the details.
457
00:17:03,322 --> 00:17:05,223
I'm just saying,
she knows what to do.
458
00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:07,859
- All right.
- Like, I was impressed.
459
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:09,927
- Yeah.
- It was stirring.
460
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,429
- Good-bye.
- It felt like--
461
00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:12,864
- Can-- Yep.
- All right.
462
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:15,566
- Just-- All right.
- Anyway, like I was saying...
463
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,635
I humbly place before you
464
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,438
my east meets west patented
Traeger turkey burger--
465
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:21,939
An Asian fusion burger
466
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:24,342
made with Willow Farms
organic turkey,
467
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:26,044
a toasted tallegio-cheese crisp,
468
00:17:26,078 --> 00:17:28,946
papaya chutney,
black truffle aioli,
469
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,382
and micro-greens
on a gluten-free brioche bun.
470
00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:33,418
- Enjoy.
- Mmm.
471
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:35,853
This tastes as delicious
as Beyonce smells...
472
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,121
I'm guessing.
473
00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:39,323
What is this in here-- Saffron?
474
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,492
Wow, somebody's got a sharp palate.
475
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:43,594
I love the umami flavor.
476
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,663
Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.
477
00:17:45,697 --> 00:17:47,565
- Sorry.
- Here's mine.
478
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:51,469
It's a hamburger
made out of meat on a bun
479
00:17:51,503 --> 00:17:53,004
with nothing.
480
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:54,806
Add ketchup if you want.
481
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,575
I couldn't care less.
482
00:17:57,609 --> 00:18:00,011
Ron, I'm so disappointed.
483
00:18:00,045 --> 00:18:02,280
I thought that you and I were
gonna have a real challenge.
484
00:18:02,314 --> 00:18:03,948
Never mind. This is better.
485
00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:05,850
- Way better.
- Mmm. Yep.
486
00:18:05,884 --> 00:18:06,851
Mm-hmm.
487
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:08,152
Kyle?
488
00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:09,987
Sorry, Andy. Ron's is better.
489
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:12,590
Damn it, Kyle.
490
00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:14,959
Oh, my God, it's so much
better, it's crazy.
491
00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:17,662
Turkey can never beat cow, Chris.
492
00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:19,163
Sorry.
493
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:20,998
I don't understand.
494
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,501
I-I-I've tinkered
with this recipe for years.
495
00:18:23,535 --> 00:18:26,237
Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had hamburger.
496
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:34,779
This is better.
497
00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:36,280
The commissary will
continue to serve
498
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:38,816
horrifying,
artery-clogging hamburgers.
499
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:46,224
Man, we spent, like, 50 hours
working on those burgers.
500
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:48,493
I know. Hard work never pays off.
501
00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,962
Cooking is dumb.
502
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:53,364
I swear on this dead crow
503
00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:55,700
that I will never cook for you.
504
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:59,470
I love you.
505
00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:01,439
I just wanted to make sure that
there were no hard feelings
506
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:02,807
after I forced you
to break up with Tom.
507
00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:05,676
Oh, we weren't-- No.
508
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:07,011
No hard feelings.
509
00:19:07,045 --> 00:19:08,613
'Cause it's just
a real bugaboo of mine.
510
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,081
And it applies to everyone.
511
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:11,949
Just the other day, Ben told me
512
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,518
that he might want to
socialize with somebody
513
00:19:13,552 --> 00:19:15,119
from the government,
and I said, "I'm sorry"...
514
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,155
- "Not possible."
- Really?
515
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:18,723
Did he say who?
516
00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:21,159
No, and I didn't ask,
'cause it's irrelevant.
517
00:19:21,193 --> 00:19:22,693
He oversees every department.
518
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:24,228
It simply can't happen.
519
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:26,564
This is literally the best
thing I've ever eaten.
520
00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:28,866
Mmm. And it's so bad for me.
521
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,434
I'm gonna have to jog
while I digest this.
522
00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:33,671
Excuse me.
523
00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:35,039
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.
524
00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:38,242
Well, uh, I think
I'm allergic to chutney.
525
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,077
Also, what's chutney?
526
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,779
- No clue.
- Yeah.
527
00:19:41,813 --> 00:19:43,281
Hey, I never got to tell you
the rest of my ideas.
528
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:45,416
You want to go somewhere
and talk about 'em?
529
00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:46,951
Yeah. Yeah,
I'd love to.
530
00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:48,920
Um, let me get some actual food
531
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:51,122
and then-- do you know
532
00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:53,925
that wildflower mural
up on the second floor?
533
00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:56,394
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
534
00:19:56,428 --> 00:19:57,461
You want to meet there?
535
00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:59,297
- Yeah.
- Okay.
536
00:19:59,331 --> 00:20:00,798
Sounds good.
537
00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:02,900
I don't know
if the online thing is for me.
538
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,970
I prefer to meet people in person.
539
00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:07,939
It's like door number two
540
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:10,741
on Let's Make a Deal.
541
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:12,310
Do you want the thing that you have,
542
00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:13,744
that you know you like
543
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:16,380
but isn't perfect,
544
00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:21,252
or do you give it up for
what's behind door number two?
545
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,655
I think I like what I have.
546
00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:27,325
I'm gonna try to make it work
with Tom.
547
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:28,926
I'm kidding.
548
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,564
How did you and I get matched up?
549
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:35,032
I made 26 profiles,
550
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,201
each designed to attract
a different type of girl.
551
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,137
Tom A. Haverford,
sporty and sexy.
552
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:42,640
Tom B. Haverford,
smooth and soulful.
553
00:20:42,674 --> 00:20:44,275
Which letter did you get?
554
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:46,210
"N." Tom N. Haverford.
555
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,080
The "N" stands for "Nerd."
556
00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:50,181
I never even check that one,
557
00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:51,382
'cause no one ever responds to it.
558
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,617
Okay, well, whatever.
559
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:54,885
Tom N. Haverford collects globes.
560
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,120
Great. That's enough.
561
00:20:56,154 --> 00:20:58,055
His favorite movie is books.
562
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,123
Donna.
563
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:06,998
Every time I want you
to shut up from now on.
564
00:21:07,010 --> 00:21:17,010
Corrected by www.addic7ed.com
565
00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:21,610
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