All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s03e09 Andy.eng

We're asking everyone
to do street parking.

I'm not street parking
my Mercedes.

Well, everyone is.
I'm doing it.

'Cause nobody wants
to steal a Saturn.

All right, uh,
moving on to recycling.

- You okay, Ron?
- Just a little tooth pain.

I'm fine.
Continue.

Okay, each department
will be getting blue bins...

Do you need to go
to the dentist, Ron?

I don't like dentists.

Just a second.

- Hey.
- No, no.

No!

No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no!

Aah!

- Oh!
- What the?

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry, everybody.
What were we talking about...

Recycling?

Dentist pulled
the tooth out yesterday.

But it's always a good idea
to demonstrate

to your co-workers
that you are capable

of withstanding
a tremendous amount of pain.

Plus, it's always fun
to see Tom faint.

Corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Attention, everybody!

Everybody, listen up.

You are all officially invited
to a dinner party,

7:00 P.M. tonight
at our home,

which is officially
my friend Burly's home,

because I don't have a home.

That's it.
There's no more left.

Give it to him.

We've been dating
for almost a month,

so we just decided

that we wanted to do
something special.

And dinner parties do combine
two of our favorite things...

dinner and parties.

- Parties.
- Yeah.

It's like if you could have
a Xbox pancake.

Your invitations
include requests

for each of you to bring stuff,

'cause we don't have
a whole lot.

- Don't be late.
- Watch out.

"Dearest Tom,
please bring silverware."

- "Please bring cooked steak."
- This is ridiculous.

They're young.
They're in love.

They're ready to show it
to the world.

It's very sweet.

- And we're all going.
- What?

There's a boy's sale
at Dillard's today.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

You going tonight?

Yeah. Apparently they want me
to bring Avatar

and 50 pairs of 3-d glasses
and a 3-d-capable television.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

Well, I will see you there,
with all of those things.

I was actually coming
to see you.

I wanted your advice
on something.

- Oh, yeah?
- My boss in Indianapolis...

He wants me back on the road
in a week.

But then this morning
Chris offered me a job

to stay here in Pawnee
and work for him.

- Do you want to do that?
- Well, I don't know.

I've been moving around so much
the past few years,

it might be nice to stay
in one place for a while.

- What do you think?
- Well, this is a great city.

You know, it's definitely
the best city in Indiana,

probably America,
possibly the world.

Sure.

But on the other hand,
you've put in 12 years

with the state government.

So you think
I should say no to Chris

and head back
to Indianapolis or...?

It's a tough call.
You know what I would do?

You should make
a pros and cons list.

- That always works for me.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, maybe I'll do that.

Excellent.
Nice talking to you.

- Good stuff.
- Yeah.

Okay.

So how does this work?

All right, you just fill out
your name tag,

- and you're all set.
- Okay.

But I-I mean, do I just go up
and talk to anyone,

or do I wait for them
to talk to me, or...?

Are you asking me
how to flirt with men?

Okay.
All right.

It's a whole new Ann Perkins.

I'm putting myself out there,
meeting some new people,

having some casual fun,

and it is...awkward.

Gayle went out and got me
this new party shirt.

So be honest...
What do you guys think?

You know what, Jerry?

I make fun of you a lot,
but credit where credit is due.

You know, I like how the...

Damn it. I was so close.
It's a terrible shirt.

Hey, guys.
Okay, everybody listen up.

April's friend Orin is here.

He's very intense
and very weird.

So if you end up
talking to him,

just make sure you don't reveal

anything personal
about yourself.

- Hey, gang.
- Hey.

- What'd you bring?
- I was in charge of the cake.

To be fair, it's not a cake so
much as it is a vegetable loaf.

You got your mushrooms,
your alfalfa sprouts,

your spinach, and I had it
sweetened with fruit reduction.

But did they ask you to bring
a vegetable loaf or a cake?

No, a cake,
but this is so much healthier.

So not only
does this thing exist,

but now you have deprived
everyone of cake.

- Take a walk, Ron.
- Yep.

Donna.
Oh, my God.

I am so excited to see you here.

These things are horrible
when you're by yourself.

What?

Do you know
where you are right now?

We're in the jungle.
There are no friends here.

It's every woman for herself.

- You're joking, right?
- Do I look like I'm joking?

Dating is a zero-sum game.

If you get a man,
I don't get that man.

I'm here because of advice
that you gave me

to be more adventurous
in my life.

Here's some more advice...
Beat it.

Hey.

Ben, heard you
might be leaving Pawnee.

I don't know.
I'm thinking about it.

Well, you are a huge nerd.

But I'd be sorry
to see you go, man.

Thanks, Tom.

Okay, this party needs
a little help.

I'll be right back.

So are you going on, like,
a year-long walking tour

of the set
of The Lord of the Rings

in New Zealand?

To be honest with you,
I wasn't a fan

of, uh, Peter Jackson's
interpretation.

So you can put that one away.

Andy, I think you maybe
should put some more food out.

Totally agree. Just firing up
the bagel bites now.

- Hey.
- Oh, my God.

What do you think?

April, you're not supposed
to let me see you.

No, come on.
You have to look.

This is important. You have
to tell me if I look good.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Uh, it's supposed to be
a big surprise.

But tonight

me and April
are getting married...

To each other.

- Are you pregnant?
- Yes.

- Yes?
- No.

Are you sick?
Are you terminal?

Is it like that movie
A Walk to Remember?

- Yes.
- What?

- No. God.
- Oh, God.

Why are you doing this?

Why is this great thing
happening?

Well, I mean, it's actually
a really funny story.

We were hanging out.

And suddenly, I was like,

"What if we got married
tomorrow?"

And she was like...

"Fine."

- She's fine.
- That is a great story.

But you guys haven't been
together very long,

and you have no place to live.

We've been together
long enough,

and we'll find a place to live.

Yeah.

Like, a house
or, like, a condo or something.

Probably a condo.

It's... you can't just get
a condo.

No, you're right...
house.

I love Andy and April
as a couple.

I want them
to stay together forever.

But relationships
need planning.

You just can't jump
into something without thinking.

It took me four years
to find the right hairdresser,

and we still fight
all the time!

Andy and April
are gonna surprise people

with a secret ceremony.

Whoa.
Secret wedding.

Julia Roberts
pulled the same move.

Is that that toothy girl
from Mystic Pizza?

Ron, please, I need you
to help me knock some sense

into them.

It's not really my place
or yours.

- Hi. I'm Ann.
- Brian.

What's your occupation?

I'm a manager
at a sporting-goods store.

- No way. Me too.
- Seriously? Which one?

No, I'm not.
Um, I-I was just ribbing you.

- What are you drinking?
- Yeah.

- What?
- Oh, I don't know.

I-I couldn't hear you.

So you just laughed
and said, "Yeah"?

- Yeah.
- Excuse us.

That was the worst thing
I've ever seen in my life.

Did you grow up in the woods?

Are you Nell
from the movie Nell?

I told you I'm rusty.

All right, come with me.

- Hey, Andy.
- Yeah.

I know what's going down,
and I'm so happy for you guys.

Thank you, Tom.

Hey, something
just occurred to me.

- Can I be your best man?
- Yeah, dude, totally.

- Thank you.
- My best man.

One of my life goals
is to be a best man.

It's a baller position.

You get drunk.
You make speeches.

And you make love
to the prettiest bridesmaid,

usually standing from behind.

Look, I know that
I cannot tell you what to do.

I know it doesn't work...

From all the times I've tried
to tell you what to do before.

But you know what would be fun?

Maybe we should make
a pros and cons list.

Let me take you home, and then
we'll go do that together.

It'll be a blast.

- Leslie, relax.
- You relax.

You relax all the way home
and get into bed.

- You need to go to bed.
- April.

Girl talk.

Hey, uh,
what's your middle name?

The justice of the peace lady
needs to know.

You don't know
each other's middle names?

I don't want to say it
out loud.

- Ew!
- Shut up.

- Roberta!
- Such a loser.

- Can't believe I'm marrying him.
- You don't have to.

I'm going to.
And then I'm gonna divorce him.

Then I'm gonna marry him again.

One time, I fell madly in love
with a Civil War reenactor

that I had only known
for six hours.

And then I found out
he wore those clothes

all the time.

And he was married.

But the clothes thing
really bothered me.

You always want
to scribble the name.

Make them read.
Draw them in.

- Make them work for it.
- Right.

Two shots of Jameson.

Don't make
too much eye contact.

You want to seem available,
but not too available.

Oh, thanks.
I think I'm good for now.

- I'm not gonna...
- Yeah.

All right...
Let's do this.

Ron, you are so amazing

with me and April, stuff.

I love you, man.

Would you be one
of my best men?

I'd be honored to, son.

Chris, you helped me
get April back.

Would you be my best man?

Nothing else in my entire life

would make me happier
as long as I live.

Jerry. Ah, I'm so glad
you made it.

This shirt is hilarious.

Derek and Ben,
will you be my best men?

Got a little competition
for the best man, huh?

Well, you know what the best
best man does.

Excuse me!

Are there any strippers here?

Former strippers?

Non-dancers but you're feeling
a little bit drunk?

What are you doing?

I'm throwing Andy
an impromptu bachelor party.

It's my duty as best man.

The wedding's in four minutes.

It's that kind
of negative thinking

that makes you
a less good best man.

Hello?

Hi, Ann, it's Leslie...

Leslie Knope
from the Parks Department.

Yeah, I know.
Where are you?

April and Andy
are getting married tonight.

- What?
- Yeah, I know.

I need you
to get down here, Ann.

I need you to kiss him again
or kiss her or kiss somebody.

I don't know, Ann!
Help me, please!

Relationships
are like scuba diving.

If you come up too fast,
you get the bends.

And the reason why I know this

is because I was dating
a guy once,

and we were scuba diving,

and I told him
that I loved him underwater,

and he shot up really fast,
and he got the bends.

No, Orin, I don't know
how I'm going to die.

Wait. Are you asking me
or telling me?

Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?

Yes, please.

April and Andy
are about to get married.

Wow. My Brita filter is older
than their relationship.

Wait a second.
Should I change my Brita filter?

I don't know. It depends
on how frequently you use it.

- It's true.
- Stay focused, okay? Please.

The point is two boneheads
whom I love dearly

are about
to sacrifice their future

'cause they haven't thought
this thing through.

And nobody seems concerned
about this.

Attention, everybody.
Madames and...

Mis...Wahs.

If you would do me
the obligation

of having your honor heretofore
in the room

doth right over there,
uh, hence.

What?

Big event in that room,
15 minutes.

Oh, my God.
This is really happening.

I love April and Andy.
I want them to stay together.

And that is why I have to stop
their wedding.

Remember how I told you
there was going to be

a surprise later?

Well, the surprise is you're not
actually at a dinner party.

You're at our wedding.

All right.
Uh, let's do this.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here today

to marry Andrew Maxwell Dwyer
and April Roberta Ludgate.

I guess I kind of hate
most things.

But I never really seem
to hate you.

So I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

- Is that cool?
- Yes.

- Is it my turn?
- Yes.

"April, you're the most
awesome person I have ever known

"in my entire life.

"I vow to protect you
from danger.

"And I don't care
if I have to fight

"an ultimate fighter
or a bear or him,

"your mom...
I would take them down."

Andy.

I'm getting mad right now
even thinking about it.

- I'm telling you.
- It's okay.

I want to spend the rest
of my life...

every minute...
with you.

And I'm the luckiest man
in the galaxy.

And now the rings.

By the power vested in me
by the state of Indiana,

I now pronounce you husband
and wife.

- Go fly away.
- Fly. Fly.

- Wings of love.
- Oh.

Okay. All right.

So that one is dead.
We know that.

You wouldn't have been able
to stop it, you know.

I could've yelled something
or tackled someone.

But you didn't,
because deep down,

you knew
it wouldn't have mattered.

Those kids are gonna do
what they want to do.

They may have just ruined
their lives

on an impulse decision.

Leslie, I got married twice.

Both times, I was a lot older
than those two.

And both marriages ended
in divorce...

And a burning effigy.

Who's to say what works?

You find somebody you like,
and you roll the dice.

That's all anybody can do.

Wait. Weren't you married
three times?

Oh, my God, you're right.

I get to burn another effigy.

The key to burning
an ex-wife effigy

is to dip it in paraffin wax

and then toss the flaming bottle
of isopropyl alcohol...

From a safe distance.

Do not stand too close

when you light
an ex-wife effigy.

My sister is lame,
but Andy's sort of cool.

I guess I kind of see
why he'd marry her.

Also, if anyone finds
my gray hoodie, I lost it.

Thanks.

That was beautiful.

You two remind me
of me and my husband, George.

I got to nail the speech.

So I brought in an expert...
Jean-Ralphio.

Can I throw something on you,
see if it feels good?

Sure.

Okay, this is what I would do.
I would start with a joke.

Joke, Vince Vaughn quote,
obviously.

Swingers Crashers?
Fred Claus.

Talk about
Andy's ex-girlfriends.

Quote from Love Actually.
Hold back your tears. Pause.

Drop the microphone.
Get out of that bitch.

I wish you the best of luck,
to both of you.

Aw, thank you, grandma.

How can anyone
ever possibly top that?

Am I right?

So thank you all
for all the talking.

Let's just get
back to dancing, huh?

Cool.
See you around maybe.

- That went better, right?
- Yes, it did.

However, he proudly told me
that he "beat herpes."

I'm sorry, Donna.
I'm gonna go home.

I just found out
Andy's getting married.

- So?
- So that's my ex-boyfriend.

We were together
for a really long time.

- All right.
- What?

What? Listen, you are a hot,
young doctor.

- I'm a nurse, actually.
- Okay, I don't know you.

But I do know
that you can fix your attitude.

Do you want to go home
and feel sorry for yourself

about a man you didn't want
to marry?

Or do you want to go talk
to that cute boy

who has been looking at you
and give him your number

before I throw him in my Benz
for myself?

All right.

I just want to thank
my family, my friends,

most importantly,
my best best man,

Mr. Tom Haverford.

Oh!
Coolest guy I know.

And, ladies, he's single,
I think.

You're not still married,
are you?

- No.
- But you... you're straight?

- Yes.
- Jean-Ralphio's just a friend?

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

Anyways, oh, my God,
I'm married!

This is crazy.
What happened?

But, seriously,
life is short, right?

Uh, just... I really think
you should just do

whatever makes you happy.

That's what April and I did.

We are in love.

So we didn't overthink it.

I mean, seriously,
I cannot emphasize

how little we thought
about this.

Am I right?

All right, well, this is a song
I wrote for you,

April Roberta Ludgate.

I love you.

Exactly. Mortality.

See, I like to take each day
at a time.

There's nothing in the world
we can't accomplish if we try.

I have to go.

It's been great talking to you.

- Hey.
- Don't worry.

I'm not gonna say another word.

This is your day.

I just wanted to say that...

I'm really glad you're here.

I think you're awesome,
and I love you.

Oh.

What's the deal
with that hot girl, April?

- What's the deal with her?
- Yeah.

Like, she good to go?
Like, she down to clown?

She's married.

She got married,
like, 20 minutes ago.

Oh, my God. That's the same
girl from the thing.

From the wedding ceremony,
yeah.

All the good ones
are taken, huh, bro?

Yeah.

Hey.

You should stay.

Don't go back to Indianapolis.
You should stay here.

- You think?
- Yeah. Yes.

It's a great city here,
you know?

And there are great people.

And you've made a lot
of friends.

And what are you gonna do...

Go back to your old job
and hack up people's budgets?

Stay here.
Help us build something.

I already accepted the job.

- I'm, uh... I'm staying here.
- That's good.

Yeah, I think so.

- Orin's behind me, isn't he?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- So just keep your eyes on me.
- Okay.

Don't panic,
'cause he can smell fear.

Just keep talking to me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- Good. How are you?

- How was the wedding...
- Run.

"Hope we can get
together soon."

Okay, now you write,
"Who is this?"

Ah.

Hey, you guys, we got a video
from April and Andy.

- Oh. Okay.
- Whoo!

Yeah!
How you guys doing?

- Hey, we're on our honeymoon.
- It is awesome.

We're at Burly's family
vacation house on Lake Michigan.

We're having so much fun,

except for, uh, Roberta here

turns out sucks
at water-skiing so bad.

I'm gonna divorce you.

Andy sucks at driving a boat.

And I'm gonna divorce him,
probably right now.

Well, they're still together.
You owe me 20 bucks.

Corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

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