All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s03e02 Flu Season.eng

There is a crazy flu going around.

Lots of miserable
dehydrated people

with high fevers and diarrhea.

And one of those

dehydrated, high-fevered
miserable people

is April...

Who hates me.

- I want another nurse.
- Well, there are none.

We're stretched pretty thin
right now.

Then I want a janitor.
They can do what you do, right?

Yep, nurses and janitors
are totally interchangeable.

Except no one dresses up
like a janitor

when they want to be slutty.

I get the sense that maybe
you're angry at me

for kissing Andy...

No, I'm not. What are you talking about?
That's crazy.

And that you think it might be
fun to take it out on me.

Please don't do that.

"Do"?
I can't do anything.

I'm sick.

My blankets are on the floor.

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

So, JJ, we wanted

to talk to you
about the harvest festival.

Yeah, I heard you were
bringing that back.

Sorry, I haven't been
feeling myself.

Well, I'm organizing
this huge harvest festival,

and I need
at least 80 local businesses

to participate.

And normally, this is
the kind of thing

I would love to do,

but I'm just feeling
really tired.

I think maybe my allergies
are acting up.

I've already vomited,
like, five times today.

We're having a meeting tonight
at the Chamber of Commerce,

and we're gonna go over
all the details,

and we'd just love if you
could come and join us.

Sure, anything
for my favorite customer.

I bet you say that
to all the girls.

Oh, no, no.
Actually, you're my favorite.

You spent over $1,000 last year
on waffles alone.

Here.

I didn't know what
to bring you,

so I just got
some magazines and lipstick...

woman stuff.

Thanks.

All my parents got me was that.

Okay, well, I'm not very good

at visiting people
in hospitals,

so I'm going to go.

Hey, if you see Andy,
will you not tell him I'm here?

- Okay.
- Because of what happened,

- I don't want him to think...
- Stop.

Don't want to know.

The less I know
about other people's affairs,

the happier I am.

I'm not interested
in caring about people.

I once worked
with a guy for three years

and never learned his name...

Best friend I ever had.

We still never talk sometimes.

Mmm.

So we've developed
a revenue-sharing formula

that will hopefully appeal
to most business owners.

Leslie!

Go home.
You're sick.

I'm not sick.
It's just allergies.

Come on, guys.
Just let me in there.

- No.
- You can't come in here.

You're not coming in.

Leslie, you look tired,
and you're all sweaty.

You look tired, and you're
all sweaty all the time.

What's your excuse?
You want to go there, Jerry?

- No.
- Fine, I'm coming in.

Donna, barricade the door, now!

Donna, come on, just let me in.

Un-uh.

Either go home,
or go back into quarantine.

I'm not going home.

Get out of here, Leslie.
Go home.

Hit the bricks.

Oh, come on.
No, no, no, no, no.

She's germing up all my stuff.

Aw, yuck.
Leslie!

- Ann Perkins.
- Hey.

How was your run?

Ended
with a 5 1/2-minute mile,

my personal low.

I think the pavement
in this town is soft.

- What's with the mask?
- Flu prevention.

My body is finely tuned,
like a microchip.

And the flu is like
a grain of sand.

It could literally shut down
the entire system.

My body's like a chip too.

Potato chip.

No.

Speaking of potato chips,

you and I are on
for dinner tomorrow, yes?

Yes, definitely.

I'm super, super excited.

Looking forward to it.

Excellent.

Way to go, buddy.
Way to go.

We've been on a couple
of dates.

I really like him.

The problem is,
he's like a perfect human man.

I can't find one flaw.

There was one time
I thought he farted.

But it was me.

I need to find someone
to fill in for April.

Now, I know I'm not
gonna find someone

who's both aggressively mean
and apathetic.

April really is
the whole package.

But I think
I might know someone

who will be
just as ineffective.

Hello, Andrew.
What's new?

Um, a whole lot.

Check this out.
I just invented it...

super straw.

Ahh.

So just sit here
and do your thing.

Do I have to tuck my shirt in?

Because, honestly,
that's kind of a deal breaker.

Let 'er fly.

Hey, wait.

Where's April?

Is she all right?

Yeah. I just gave her
the day off.

Would it be weird
if I asked for the day off?

Yeah, no. It's okay.
I didn't think so.

I'm sorry.
Are you leaving?

- I thought we had a meeting.
- No, we do.

It's just I think
it's a little chilly in here.

Are you okay?
Your eyes are glassy.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my...

Is she... is she sick?
Are you sick?

- No.
- Yeah, she's sick.

That's why I'm wearing this

and misting myself
with hand sanitizer.

I am not sick.

I just have allergies, okay?

I took a Claritin,
and I threw that up.

So I took another one.
I threw that up.

And then I took a third,
and it stayed down.

I'm getting better.

All right, you're burning up.

You're burning up.
What?

I have to get out of here.

I have 2.8% body fat.

My body's like a microchip.

A grain of sand
could destroy it.

My body's a microchip.

Leslie, go home.

No, I can't.
I can't go home.

I have to get ready
for the Chamber of Secrets.

Commerce.

If this meeting
does not go perfectly,

then the harvest festival's
gonna be over before it began.

I cannot go home.

- Okay, then who is your doctor?
- Ann's my doctor.

And she's the most beautiful
nurse in the world.

- Come on.
- Oh, God.

Now I'm hot.
Now it's really hot in here.

Okay, well, that's your fever.

Leslie, I typed your symptoms
into the thing up here,

and it says you could have
network connectivity problems.

104.1.

Leslie, you're dehydrated.
I'm admitting you.

If I was sick, could I do this?

- What are you doing?
- Cartwheels.

Am I not doing them?

- No.
- Look, don't worry.

I've done presentations
like this before,

and Tom will be with me.

So you're in good hands.

It's not
that I don't trust Ben.

It's that I don't have
faith in Ben.

And also, I'm starting
to forget who Ben is.

I'll handle the general outline
if you want to uh...

- Look.
- Just jump right in.

The worst thing you can do

with an important presentation
like this is over-prepare.

- Well...
- So...

I think it's best
if I go to the spa.

No, we promised Leslie
we'd prep for the meeting.

No, Ben, you promised Leslie.

See, I never promise
Leslie anything.

That way,
I never disappoint her.

I try to be considerate.

Well...

I am off for a soak
and a schvitz.

"Arrivederch."

Ron Swanson's office.

Yes.

I will transfer you.

I just dropped another call.

I thought you might like
a fresh set of pillows.

Are you trying to smother me?

Help!
The slutty nurse is trying

to smother me to death
with a pillow!

Okay, never mind.

Stay back, slut.

I know what she's trying to do.

She's trying to get me
to break.

And you know what?
I'm not gonna do it.

I'm gonna be professional,

and I'm gonna put on
a happy face,

and then I'm gonna
go into a supply closet

and snap a bunch
of tongue depressors.

Okay, so let's, um,
talk about your opening remarks.

Do you want me
to write you a rap?

I'll write you a rap.
No, you know what?

You're never gonna be able
to pull it off.

You're too white.

How about a show tune
or something?

I was just, uh, planning
to introduce myself...

Non-musically,

and then get everyone
to refer to their packets,

and, uh, blah, blah, blah.

No.
No "blah, blah, blah," okay?

You need to go over
every single detail with me.

Leslie, I promise you,
I won't half-ass this, okay?

Now get some rest.

I have some great news.
I think my fever just broke.

Good-bye.

This came out.

Eh.

I am starving.

I haven't had lunch
since yesterday.

So I'm gonna head over
to Callahan's.

Oh, no, no, no.
Don't go there.

They totally skimp on pickles.

Let me go
to Bighead Joe's for you.

They have
the most insane burritos.

I don't much go
for ethnic food.

No, no, no.
Trust me.

They have one that's called
the meat tornado.

Literally killed a guy
last year.

You had me
at "meat tornado."

What are you doing?

Hey, that flu medicine
really helped.

I feel
a thousand percent better.

Good as new.

Does this scarf look okay?
I don't want to look stuffy.

But I also don't want
to look too schlubby.

- Get back in that bed.
- So no to the scarf?

- Get back in the bed.
- No, I'm going to that meeting.

Either you get back in the bed,

or I will strap you down.

I've done it before.
Don't test me.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- All right.

Now, what superpower
would you rather have?

Would you rather be able to fly
or be invisible?

Ed, go first.

- Uh, fly, I guess.
- I forgot to tell you.

You can only fly five feet
above the ground.

I bring a certain panache
and spice

to the spa experience
for these guys.

Before I joined, they were just
three old white dudes

quietly boiling in hot water.

Would you rather live
in the pocket

of a giant kangaroo

or have a pocket
on your own stomach

that has a tiny kangaroo
in it all the time?

Preston.

Tiny kangaroo
in my stomach pocket.

Forgot to mention,
the tiny kangaroo is a racist.

Hey, Ann.

What happened?

I just saw you a few hours ago,
and you were fine.

Not like, "damn, you're fine,"

but fine health-wise.

My body has no fat
to protect itself from disease.

Things happen very quickly.
Listen to me.

It's very important
that you replenish my body

with electrolytes

after every involuntary loss
of bodily fluids.

- Oh, boy.
- My body tends to lose

a lot of fluids when it's sick.

My brain is on fire.
I'm dying.

Mm. Well, you definitely
have the flu.

Oh, my God.

The microchip
has been compromised.

Pierre Garcon
was a sixth-round pick.

Collie was the fourth round.

Indianapolis Colts
know how to draft so well.

They really do.

Andy, this was delicious.

It's awesome, huh?

It's a whole new
meat delivery system.

Thank you, son.

What do you say
we go out to the parking lot,

run a few pass plays
to burn off the calories?

You are an unstoppable
good-idea machine!

I like Andy.

I'm surrounded
by a lot of women

in this department.

And that includes the men.

Hup, hup, hup!

Peyton Manning
reading the defense!

Reggie Wayne, post corner!

Andy, wait up!

Hey, April.

I saw that you called for me.
What can I do for you?

- I need more flu medicine.
- Oh, an actual request.

Well, you can't have any.

That stuff is powerful...
no extra doses.

I didn't take any.

Leslie came in here
and stole it and left.

Leslie?

Leslie!

Hey, have you seen Leslie?

I had a dream

that she came into this room,

stole my flu medicine,
told me not to tell you,

and then disappeared
through that hole in the wall.

The door?

Maybe we should get
a suite here for them, okay?

Ben Wyatt!
Hello!

Uh, hi, Leslie.

- Good to see you.
- You too.

Wow, you're really burning up.

Can I get some money

for the cab that I took
over here, please?

Sure.
How much?

I'm not sure.

I looked at the meter,

and it had
Egyptian hieroglyphics on it.

- Wow.
- Do you know the exchange rate?

So should we do this?

Oh, boy.
Hold on.

- Be careful.
- What?

The floor and the wall
just switched.

Okay.

Walk very carefully.

You know, I find it a little insulting

that you don't trust me
to handle this.

It's not that
I don't trust you, okay?

It's just... This harvest festival
is my project.

It's my career on the line.

And I just need to make sure

that I've done everything I can
to make it work.

Okay.

It's showtime.

Okay.

Good evening, everyone.
I'm Leslie Monster.

And this is Nightline.

Okay, I wouldn't open
with that.

No?

- Why don't we sit down. Okay?
- Yep.

Libertarianism is all
about individual liberty,

and it should never be defined

by the terms "liberal"
or "conservative."

And communism is
no good, right?

That's right.

Big swing and a miss.

And what's the word

for when a few clerics are
in charge?

Religious oligarchy.

Holy [bleep].

- I can remember things.
- I guess.

Mm, hey, keep mine rare.

A man after my own heart.

I vomited
somewhere in this room.

I don't remember where, though.

Wait. You might want to check
that drawer.

Stop...

Pooping.

You have to get up
off the floor now.

This floor is my friend.

Nothing like a complete
physical breakdown

to make a guy seem
less intimidating.

I love the flu.

And then I said,
"uh, you know what?

I think we need to get
these bananas out of here."

Have a seat, boys.

Oh, hey, Tom,
glad you could make it.

Uh, you have a nice day
with your spa buddies?

Actually, yes, Ben, I did.

And my spa buddies own

a couple of car dealerships
in town,

and they've agreed to donate

a fleet of vehicles
for harvest festival...

25 vans for the entire event.

Okay, Tom, I'm ready.
Get up there and introduce me.

You got it.

I can't let you
do this, Leslie.

Hey, this ain't
your call, McCluskey.

Hey, Ron,
can I ask you a question?

- Sure.
- It's about April.

I don't like to get involved
in people's personal...

I hurt her feelings,
and now she's pissed at me.

I feel like
if I could just explain myself,

she'd understand,
but she's avoiding me.

It's making me miserable.

April's in the hospital,
sick with the flu.

What?

I knew it!

I didn't know that.

- Is she okay?
- Yeah, she's fine.

You can go visit her
tomorrow morning.

But don't tell her I told you.

I won't.

No, no.
Nope.

Come here.
Ugh.

Ohhh!

Before we get started,
a quick announcement...

Every Thursday night
is ladies' night

down at the Snakehole Lounge
over on Burnham Avenue.

Ladies get two drinks
for the price of one.

Oh, no, that can't be right.

That's way too good of a deal.

Nope.

That is what it says.

Wow.

That sounds like a fun time.

Anyway, uh,

it is now my great honor
to welcome to the stage

the woman responsible
for the entire harvest festival.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Leslie Knope!

Every one of you,

just by showing
up here tonight,

has already made history.

In days past,
the harvest festival

was the cornerstone

of Pawnee's
small-business community...

a weeklong showcase

for everything from textiles
to small farms.

By our estimates,
as many as 30,000 people

might attend the festival,

and the monetary value

of that kind of direct
customer-to-business exposure

is, frankly, incalculable.

What?

Three, two, one.

And my shift's over.

What the [bleep]
is your problem?

Whoa, I thought
you weren't gonna lose it.

While I was on duty, I didn't.
Now it's just me.

I get that you're mad
that I kissed Andy, okay?

But it was a moment
of confusion,

and it was a mistake.

And I'm very sorry.

You want to hate me forever?

- Okay.
- Fine!

You know what?
I don't care.

But you shouldn't take it out
on Andy,

because he really likes you,
and he did nothing wrong.

And just for the record,
I'm starting to hate you too.

That's the most
I've ever liked Ann.

The time is now.

The place is Pawnee.

Let's make history.

That was amazing.

That was a flu-ridden
Michael Jordan

at the '97 NBA finals.

That was...

Kirk Gibson
hobbling up to the plate

and hitting a homer
off of Dennis Eckersley.

That was...

That was Leslie Knope.

Thank you so much.
Any questions?

Yes, sir?

Are we going to get
the same sales-tax incentives

we used to?

That's a very good
question, sir,

and I would counter
with my own question, which is,

why is half of your face
all swirly?

Okay, um, unfortunately,

Leslie has another very
important meeting right now.

So if you have
any other questions,

you can just direct them,
uh, towards me.

Give it up, everybody,

for Scott Bakula
from Quantum Leap.

All right.
Okay, let's...

Excuse me.

Um, and to answer
your question, sir,

there will be
sales-tax incentives this year.

I think I should drive you
to the hospital.

Was I wearing a tiara
when I came in here?

Because if you happen upon it,

will you have Lady Pennyface
retrieve it

and send it posthence?

Chocolate-covered popcorn.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey, there.

I got you, uh,
some waffles here,

courtesy of JJ's diner,

and chicken soup,
courtesy of me.

- I'll take the waffles.
- Okay.

Thank you.

So how did the rest
of the meeting go?

Um, well, you said you needed

80 total businesses
to participate.

Yeah.

We have 110...

And counting.

So, uh, nice work, Leslie.

- Nice work to you too.
- Oh.

Uh, left the chicken soup there,
just in case.

It's an old family recipe.

It's not a big deal, but...

- Thank you for that.
- Okay.

Hi, April.

It's me, Andy.

Just stay sleeping.

I am going to be here
when you wake up.

I will not leave your side.

You could be asleep for hours.
Maybe I'll come back later.

Hope you feel better.
Okay.

Oh, and I know you think
that I'm a jerk,

but I hope you can forgive me.

Gross.
Your forehead is all sweaty.

That's gross.

But I still like you.

Okay.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Got your message.
What's up?

I got a call
from the boys upstairs.

And they have
a new assignment for us.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

And I feel like we should ask
for an extension to stay here.

Yes, definitely.
You know...

The festival thing's
getting pretty huge,

and, uh, couple loose ends
that need tying up.

Good, so I'll make the call,
then, to get the extension?

- Yeah, they need our help.
- For the loose ends.

- Great.
- Good.

Okay, you need
a ride back to the office?

No, no, I'm gonna go
for a light 15k.

I missed yesterday.

Way to go, buddy.
Way to go.

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