Original subtitles

I would totally shine his little shoes for free.

- Aw. - I do say the cutest stuff.

Look, I love a good dog as much as the next guy,

But this building doesn't allow animals.

Andy, take him outside. And shoot him?

- No. Just keep him outside. - Oh, come on, Ron.

I'm just a little puppy. I ain't done nothing wrong.

I'm just a puppy. Mm. I like your mustache.

I wish I could have one, but I can't.

'cause I'm just a little puppy. Mm, mm, mmm.

Okay, take him out and shoot him.

Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

- Fire! Fire! Fire! - What? Where?

In my belly.

Because the "24-hour Pawnee cares diabetes telethon"

Starts tonight.

Goodie. Let us know how it went.

Every year, Pawnee cares teams up

With the local cable access station

To raise money for diabetes research.

And it's important,

Because Pawnee is the fourth fattest town

In the u.S.

Goes us, uh, Dallas, Tulsa,

And certain parts of the mall of America.

Well, this year,

I get to program my own four-hour block.

I know. Exciting.

So, um, I've signed you all up for multiple shifts.

Yeah. Just to answer phones and provide moral support.

- From when to when? - Tonight.

From 2:00 am to 6:00 am.

- What? - What?

Leslie, please. Tonight's kind of a big night.

You know, all my kids are away and...

Gross! No! It's jerry's sex night!

That ruins sex and tonight.

- Look, why don't you put on one of these t-shirts?

It'll get you in the mood.

I stayed up all night last night making these.

You stayed up all night

The night before an all-night telethon.

Yes. And here's why. Boom.

- "diabetes. Let's dia-beat-this."

Yeah. Four hours to come up with the slogan.

Four hours to embroider them.

- Time well spent. - Salad sucks.

There. I said it. Feel better?

- Yeah. - I've been doing some thinking.

I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with me.

Why? Is something wrong?

No. I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

I love her.

And, uh, I want a partner. Horseback.

You should ask her on horseback.

No. You should ask her in a hot air balloon.

No. She should be on a hot air balloon

And you should ride up on horseback.

Oh, wait. She's in a balloon.

You ride up on horseback. You point to the sky.

Up there, skywriting "marry me, Ann."

I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.

How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal.

I mean, they have to repeat that story

For the rest of their lives.

So you think I should do it, though?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely.

Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.

- Leslie. - No, it's you're life.

Get as many eagles as you want.

So, tom, you're in for tonight, right?

I forgot to tell you

I can't make it to the telethon tonight

Because I have no interest in being there.

Okay, you're in charge

Of the v.I.P. Special telethon guest.

And you're never gonna believe who I got.

People are gonna freak out.

- Rihanna. - No.

- Dr. Oz. - No. You're never gonna guess.

- Justin Bieber. - No.

Ex-Indiana pacers small forward Detlef Schrempf.

The Detlef Schrempf?

I know! So it's really exciting.

And I need you to be his body man.

Pick him up at the airport at 7:00 pm and then, you know,

Just entertain him because he doesn't need

To be in hair and makeup until 2:00 am.

Does Pawnee cable access even have hair and makeup?

Well, they have a communal lipstick

And a box of combs.

As a nurse and as your friend,

I highly suggest you don't try to stay up

For the next 24 hours.

I can definitely do it.

I've already been up for 24 hours.

But I have a secret weapon.

Nutriyum bars? Leslie.

I know. I know. They're terrible.

But they give me an insane 15-minute burst.

Plus my Nana used to tell me "you'll sleep when you're dead."

My Nana, she used to say the best stuff.

"don't work yourself into a lather."

"look where it is and you'll find it."

"don't put me in a home."

"tell the truth and shame the devil."

"the devil knows where you're hiding."

"if you take enough rides with the devil,

Pretty soon he's gonna drive."

She was really into the devil.

I have not checked in with you lately.

I'm randomly and casually asking

How are things going with mark?

- Things are good. - Do you think he's the one?

The one? I don't know. Maybe.

- Good. - I'm here.

What do I have to do?

Um, I have you on phone answering duty

From 4:00 to 6:00 am.

That's horrible. I have to nap up.

If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Got enough leg room back there?

Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to sit so far up.

Yeah, I do.

So...Detlef Schrempf...

Three-time NBA all-star.

Two-time six-man award winner.

Must've been pretty cool to be traded to the pacers

In exchange for veteran center herb Williams.

So you looked me up on Wikipedia, huh?

No. Everybody knows that.

Just like everybody knows you appeared in two episodes

Of the German soap opera gute Zeiten, schlechte Zeiten.

What, you a big fan of that show?

Huge fan.

Huh? Oh, 6'10".

- I'm 5'6" and three-quarters.

All right, team, you guys psyched?

Just remember, all you need to do

Is take down everybody's name and address

And ask them how much they want to donate.

Hey, do these phones dial out?

- Yes. Why? - No reason.

Leslie, you know what, my phone has 25 lines.

I think it might be a switchboard.

Congratulations then. You got the most lines.

Figure it out, jerry. Come on, jerry.

Everyone else has one line.

Oh, so, Leslie,

I hear you're gonna be in front of the camera this year.

- Yeah. It's exciting. - Cut the chatter.

Telehosting not as easy as it looks, okay?

This isn't c-span. This is local access 46.

Don't blow it.

Good evening and welcome

To the 10th annual Pawnee cares diabetes telethon.

I'm Pawnee today's Joan Callamezzo.

And I am not a crook. Brr.

No, he's not.

What time is it? I'm tired already.

It's 8:03.

Your shift doesn't start for another six hours.

Ugh.

Diabetes. Yuck.

Tonight we're hoping the people of Pawnee

Dig their big, chubby hands into their plus-sized pockets

And donate generously.

We're wacky stuff.

Stop it.

Coming up, a very special video presentation

Called "even my tongue is fat: The story of Pawnee."

But right now, to begin with,

Let's start things off on our telethon with a song.

From Pawnee's most bookable personality, Denise Yermley!

sweet dreams of made of this

Pawnee cares.

Hello. Hello. Here we go.

Head up there. Thank you. Yeah, $50 is great.

- Hello. Who--Pawnee... - Pawnee cares.

Who's next? I feel great. Everything is running smoothly.

some of them want to use me

some of them want

Clipboard mouth. Clipboard mouth.

There's some secret ingredient in these nutriyum bars

That make me feel so good.

Sugar. It's a block of sugar.

Aah!

Leslie.

Leslie! Tigers.

Hey, you told me to wake you up at 1:45.

- Yeah. - It's 1:45 now.

I'm up.

Oh, I need to pull it together. My slot's coming up.

Hey, before you go on,

Can I just talk to you about something?

Uh, wait a minute. Sorry.

It's tom. He may have a Schrempf problem.

- Okay. - You understand.

- I do. Take it. - Okay. To be continued, Ann.

I promise. We'll talk later.

- Yes. - Okay.

Hey, hi. Are you on your way?

The snakehole is booming!

People are loving Detlef Schrempf.

I had no idea professional athletes

Were so popular.

That's awesome.

But you promised to get him here.

Get him here. Don't worry.

We're leaving soon, all right? Bye.

Whoa, you can't leave.

Tommy, this is the most business the club's done in months.

But I got to get him to the telethon.

He's not going anywhere.

Okay. Oh, god. Problem!

Um, Andy, I know I told you that you were going on

At 3:00 am after the Detlef Schrempf

Interview and career retrospective,

But you're going on now.

You're kicking things off.

Whoa. Sweet. Headlining.

Yeah, at 2:00 on cable access.

Yeah. Let's go.

So how are things going with you two?

They're going really well. We're gonna get married.

And I'm pregnant with his child.

Thank you, Joan.

There are two types of diabetes,

But only one type of caring.

Type-1 caring.

And tonight, god willing,

We will all be stricken with that.

There's a lot of fun stuff coming up.

Indiana pacers legend Detlef Schrempf

Will be joining us in the studio later on.

Uh, but until then,

I would like to introduce

One of the hottest bands in Pawnee.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you mouse rat.

I know that life is crazy

Well, okay, slight hiccup, but we're back on track.

See the board?

When my shift is done,

That board is gonna read $20,000.

Pawnee cares.

Hi, yes, I'd like to donate $50, please.

- Mm-hmm. Leslie?

you got sex hair

you got it from me, girl

sex hair

God, we're not getting any donations coming in.

I'm tired of waiting for people to call us.

Let's call them. Everybody call somebody.

Leslie, it's the middle of the night.

Well, then good. They'll be home.

Donna, someone good? No.

I'm talking to my brother George.

You're not supposed to receive personal phone calls.

Oh, I called him.

He's in Liberia visiting my uncle.

Wants to know what happened on lost.

- Oh, thank god. - There you go.

Thank you.

Did you put cream in this?

- Uh, yeah. Did I screw up? - No. I can drink it.

Guys, has anyone seen tom?

The ultimate celebrity, I think, to hang out with

For a night would be criss angel.

Like, you'll be talking to him

And then he would just turn into fire. Ha ha ha!

Brooks brothers boys is, like, the cuts are slimmer

And it's cheaper.

Win, win.

You ever talk to someone and you're just, like,

"oh, we're gonna be best friends"?

I'm getting that, like, right now.

He had two beers. Light beers.

I need you to make that out to Wendy.

"tom is an amazing guy.

"you never should have left him.

"you made a huge mistaken in your life.

"and you're probably gonna die alone.

Love, Detlef."

Do you know what,

I think we should be heading to that telethon.

Yes. We will definitely go to the telethon soon.

After this song!

hopped up out the bed

turn my swag on

took a look in the mirror, said "what's up?"

Ron. Ron, wake up.

Ron, wake up. It's Leslie.

Ah! Gah!

Were you having a bad dream?

No. I suffer from a disorder called "sleep fighting."

- Wow, that must be terrible. - Only when I'm losing.

Look, I'm freaking out, okay?

Tom is not here. And he's got Detlef Schrempf.

And I have three hours to fill.

I'm sure you'll figure something out.

Don't go back to sleep, okay? I need you to wake up!

Ron, come on! Help me!

Attaboy.

I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors.

I'm not big on charities.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Don't teach a man to fish and you feed yourself.

He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Okay, that was the national anthem of Canada.

And now I'm going to see how long I can hold a d-chord.

April, will you call some of the rec center teachers

And see if they want to come on down

And show off their special skills?

Yes. Nod your head "yes."

I can do magic.

Egg, milady?

Jerry, that's disgusting and fake!

Oh, my god. It's real. Go up there and do that.

- I--you broke my egg. - You don't have a second egg?

No, but I'm a very good piano player.

I'd be happy to go up there and give it a shot.

Why are you wasting my time? This is really serious!

You go keep your eye out for tom.

I got this covered.

When re-caning an old chair,

One needs to make sure that one has all the right elements

In place.

Over. Under.

And...You guessed it. Over.

God, he's actually losing money.

Over. Under. This chair's almost caning itself.

- No, sir. If you want to make a donation, you have to--

Yeah, that sounds really cool.

You sound cool. You sound really strong.

Hey, why don't you forget about the donation

And just come down here and meet me in person.

What? Oh, my god.

You're so...Funny and you're--funny. Bye.

Hi. Hey.

Funny girl you were talking to?

When it comes to preparing taxes...

Oh, my god. This is a disaster.

The only thing that's taxing

Is deciding which software to buy.

I am completely screwed.

I have no Schrempf, no backup plan,

No more nutriyum bars.

What do people want to watch? Cute animals on a bike?

No time to train one.

Hot people kissing?

I don't know, maybe mark and Ann would...

Have you ever seen this man sleep?

It's like underwater ballet.

- I have a great idea. - Uh, what's that?

- I think you should propose to Ann tonight--today--

Whatever it is-- on camera for diabetes.

- Really? - Yes. I would be so cool.

Don't you remember when Ahmad Rashad proposed

To Mrs. Cosby on TV?

- No. - I do. And most women do.

- On television though. - Yes, but...

Oh, my god.

We talked about it being something big.

Right.

And I don't think we can get a hot air balloon

This time of night.

I have my grandma's ring.

I guess I could go home and get it.

Is there a story behind it? Was she on the titanic?

Was she on the titanic?

No. She was just my grandma.

It would make a great story. I trust Leslie.

I don't know. What do you think I should do?

And that concludes a quick look

At quickbook--s pro.

- Quickbook--s!

Okay. Thank you so much, Barney, for...That.

Thank you. Um...Go.

We'd like to make a quick announcement.

Detlef Schrempf is temporary, um, delayed.

But, uh, coming soon, a really amazing thing

Is going to happen.

So get your wallets out

Or get your handkerchiefs out.

Or get your tissues out if you're like me

And think handkerchiefs are gross.

For now, please, let's take a look at this moving video

The widening of America.

No. Ann. Wait. Ann. Ann! Where are you going?

Just stay a little while longer.

Leslie, I'm so beat.

I'm so sorry that I've been crazy.

What did you want to talk to me about?

Oh, no worries. It can wait.

No, no. What is it?

I think I need to break up with mark.

I've just been feeling for a while

Like something's missing.

And I kept thinking about the question

You asked me today about whether or not he's the one.

And he's not. Mark really loves you.

I think he's ready to take this to the next step.

He doesn't know what he's ready for,

But I think I do.

Guess you're just gonna have to marry him

And figure it out.

- No. - No. No.

Why would you do that? No. No.

No. No. Good for you, Ann.

Hey, mark, it's Leslie. Um, change of plans.

Can you call me back? Tom, get here! Now!

Call me! Bye! Hey, Leslie, it's Leslie.

Hang in there. I love you. Bye.

- Please be April. April? - Yeah?

It's Joe. From the phone. I made you laugh.

You said come down.

Listen, my van's out back. Let's roll.

- Ew. No. Please leave. - Where you going?

- Hey. What's up? - Is this guy bothering you?

No. I'm bothering you for bothering her.

Are you her bodyguard?

I mean, she's an adult.

I think she can decide on her own

What train she wants to ride.

- It's time to go. - Whatever, man.

I work for the sewage department.

I'm up to my waist in hot snizz.

- Take a walk. Bye-bye.

Okay. Heads.

Oh, boy. What is gonna happen next?

Okay, my second favorite episode,

Monica's making dinner.

And joey is mad at chandler

Because chandler made out with his girlfriend.

So joey says, "get in the box."

I forgot to tell you there's a box.

Oh, and it's thanksgiving day.

So they get ready to eat. What is Ross and Rachel doing?

Oh, they're fighting.

So Ross, Rachel, joey, chandler,

Monica, and phoebe are all together.

Although is phoebe there?

Yes. So...

I will now drink eight glasses of milk

In three minutes.

No. No, you won't. No, you won't.

Because if you do that, you will die.

Oh.

All right. Okay. Enough of that racket.

Um, well, Pawnee, it's, um, almost 6:00 in the morning.

And, uh, we need to keep those donations coming in.

I know we promised a special event coming up and...

- Leslie. - No.

Should I come up now?

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No.

No. What we're gonna do is we're gonna pull

Our pants down.

That's what we're gonna do.

Everyone's gonna pull their pants down

For diabetes, okay? On 1, 2.

tall and tan and young and lovely

turn my swag on

took a look in the mirror, said "what's up?"

Detlef, are you sure you don't want me to drive?

I'm good to drive.

You want to come over and play video games?

Oh, pull over, man. That place has good chicken.

I'm hungry.

You just love flashing your ass, don't you?

When it's for a good cause, Joan.

- what's up?

- Hey, look who's here.

Wake up, Pawnee, Tommy Timberlake's in the house.

And you know who else is with me?

Detlef Schrempf!

Tell them what they won, son!

Hey, thanks, tom.

Well, on behalf of the Detlef Schrempf foundation,

I'd like to present this check for $5,000

For diabetes research.

Oh, man! Yeah.

Thank you very much. Wow. Wow. Big man, big check.

By the way, I'm drunk!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I don't understand what happened.

I'm sorry.

I think I was a little tired when I told you

That you should do that.

I don't think that that's something Ann wants.

Not on TV.

So that's why you pull your pants down.

Yeah. Wait. What did I do?

It's 6:04 am and I'm Perd Hapley

Of channel four eyewitness news.

And the story of this next dance

Is that it's called "the worm."

- Good morning, Knope. - Morning, Ron.

Everything running smoothly?

You know, I'm happy to go back out there

And demonstrate more of my skills.

How to start a fire without matches.

How to build a cribbage board.

- No. I'm okay. Thanks. - Get some sleep.

Aye, aye, captain.

What the [bleep] are you doing, Perd Hapley?

Hey.

Leslie, what are you doing here?

Why aren't you sleeping?

- I just--I thought maybe you'd want to talk more

About all the crazy stuff going on.

I do. I really do. Thanks.

Yeah.

I just got to tell you I'm a little tired.

Okay.

So I may have parked on your front lawn.

- Oh, you did. - I did.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

Just come in before anybody, um...

Leslie and I had an amazing talk.

It was so great of her to come over here.

Even though she was exhausted beyond belief.

Anyway, after we talked, she fell asleep on my couch.

And she's been asleep for 22 hours.

It's amazing what she slept through.

At one point, I thought she was up...

Hold on. Hi. Hey.

But then she went right back to sleep.

I've been monitoring her vital signs.

She's totally fine.

I love her so much.

But I think I'm gonna draw a mustache on her face.

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