Original subtitles

And a personalized 5,000-word essay

Of why you're all so awesome.

What's galentine's day?

Oh, it's only the best day of the year.

Every February 13th,

My lady friends and I

Leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home,

And we just come and kick it, breakfast-style.

Ladies celebrating ladies.

It's like lilith fair,

Minus the angst.

Plus frittatas.

So to conclude our galentine's day breakfast,

It is time for the greatest story ever told.

[applause]

What's the story?

It's the most romantic story ever.

It makes the notebook look like saw v.

Go, mom, go.

It was 1968.

I was 18, and our family went on a vacation to bermuda.

And on the first day, I went for a swim

In the ocean, and I got caught

In a very strong current.

[gasps]

You've heard this story before, right?

Yes, but the drama.

The next thing I felt were two very powerful arms

Whisking me to safety.

And he looked down at me, and he said,

"are you okay?"

And I looked up at him, and I said,

"I am now."

So they sneak out to meet each other

And walk on the beach,

And, two weeks later, he asked her to marry him

And move to illinois.

But her parents thought she was too young,

So she said no.

And then they lost touch,

And, a few years later, she met my dad.

I got to take one of those lifeguard courses.

Those guys get all the action.

Am I right, justin?

- We got to find this guy. - Frank?

He's probably married. Or dead.

[scoffs] what's the difference?

Am I right, justin?

At least let me try and find him.

Imagine how much better that story would be

If we actually reunited them.

I think justin's right. You should let him do this.

Okay. Do it.

But if you find him and he's weird,

Like a ventriloquist or a puppeteer

Or anyone who pretends toys are people,

Then abort the mission.

Both: Absolutely. - [laughs]

[triumphant music]

Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

You. You're the best girlfriend ever.

Oh. Happy valentine's day.

I knew, eventually, somehow,

Being in a relationship with you would totally pay off.

I bought him some actual towels.

He was using a bathrobe.

And I bought him some other things that humans usually use,

Like shampoo.

Troops, gather around.

Great news.

The senior center valentine's dance is tomorrow

From 5:00 to 9:00.

Are we talking a.M. Or p.M.?

Those people are old! Am I right, justin?

Oh. Justin's not here.

It isn't just a job, gang.

We're gonna learn a lot from these seniors.

Some of them have been married for half a century.

And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love.

Divorced, dating a gay guy, divorced twice,

Jury's still out on you two.

Oh.

And, jerry, who knows?

I've been happily married for 28 years.

You've met my wife gayle many times.

Whatever. Finally, ann and mark are our special volunteers,

And they will be available whenever needed.

I didn't volunteer.

Yeah, too bad. You got drafted.

[imitating jfk] ask not what

Your old people could do for you.

Ask what you could do for your old people.

Terminator.

What? No. Jfk.

[imitating schwarzenegger] this meeting

Has been terminated.

[regular voice] that is the terminator.

- Nice. - Where am I going?

- Well, hello there. - Well, hey.

I got your message.

You wanted to talk?

- Yes, I do. - Oh.

[romantic music plays] - have a seat.

¶ ¶

Some champagne?

Uh, no, thanks.

Come on. This is armand de brignac.

Jay-z drinks this. Yeah, well, jay-z doesn't have

To perform surgery in an hour.

- You don't know jay-z's schedule.

He's a renaissance man.

[laughs]

Okay, fine.

Well, this is for you.

Oh.

Well, it's almost valentine's day,

So I thought it would be a good day to tell you...

Okay, let me just stop you right there.

Look, tommy... [music stops]

I-I just want you to know I'm so grateful

For everything you did for me.

But I only see us as friends.

For now.

But think about how much better our friendship would be

If we added doing it.

Seriously.

I know our marriage was fake,

But there's something between us,

And I think we should give it a shot for real.

I just don't feel that way about you.

I'm sorry.

¶ each time I do ¶

¶ just the thought of you ¶

¶ makes me stop before I begin ¶

¶ ¶

¶ I got you ¶

¶ under my skin ¶

So there's that one, I guess.

All right. You guys sound ready for the dance tomorrow.

I don't know about these old fogey songs, leslie.

Why can't we just do our originals?

I just wrote a new song, okay.

Bottom line: It's called sex hair.

It's about how you can tell when someone's just had sex

'cause of how their hair gets matted up in the back.

It's awesome.

Think of it this way.

These song are exactly like the songs you usually play,

Except instead of modern rock, they're old jazzy standards

From the '40s.

Okay. Yeah. You got a point.

Yeah. You're gonna do great.

- All right, guys. - Hey, andy.

I've been here for a half an hour. Can I get my shoeshine?

Dude, kyle, I'm gonna lose my [bleep] on you

If you ask me one more time.

I found him.

Frank beckerson.

63, lives in a little town called bridgeport.

Illinois.

Divorced, no kids, worked as a lifeguard when he was 20.

Ron, I need a half a day off

For a secret mission of love.

You're asking my permission to take a nooner?

Sure. Well, I don't know.

Maybe. Justin and I need to go

On a romantically inspired road trip.

So it is a nooner.

Well, we're planning

To leave around noon, so I'm not quite sure--

Leslie, it's not a nooner.

I tracked down this old flame of leslie's mom.

We're gonna go pick him up.

We're gonna reunite them on valentine's day.

A great story or what?

Yeah, great story indeed.

Enjoy your half day off. - Thank you.

Pick you up tomorrow around noon.

For our nooner, which is a cute word.

Explain it to her later.

Explain what?

Happy valentine's day.

First off, a bear in a paper bag and a heart-shaped balloon.

I love bears and bags.

Well, you'll like this then,

Because this is a giant teddy bear

Holding a red heart.

- Ohh. - Festive.

What's this? Oh, I don't know.

It's a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

That's a dozen red roses in a hear t-shaped arrangement.

See that. Perfume.

- Ooh. - For the lady.

- Ooh. - Oh, yeah.

i>- Yearning,

By dennis feinstein.

Mm. Ooh.

Dennis, no. No, dennis.

Finally, the heart of the ocean.

[gasps] gorgeous.

Oh. [laughs]

You know, I never had a chance to get a girl

A cliched valentine's day gift before,

So I got you all of 'em.

Thank you. That was very sweet.

Do you think they'll get married?

Oh, my god. What if they get married?

That would be amazing.

[laughs] would I call him dad then?

- Yeah. - No, that'd be too much.

Maybe I'll call him pappy. Pop.

Poppy. Papa.

Oh, look at me, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hey, you never know.

- I'm gonna call him poo -paw.

How often do you get to reunite soul mates?

What if I told you that you could reunite romeo and juliet?

Or brad pitt and jennifer aniston?

Oh, jen, I really want you to be happy.

Stay away from john mayer.

[doorbell rings]

I cannot believe I'm gonna meet frank beckerson.

I feel like I've known him my whole life.

Frank?

My god!

Marlene. - Oh, no, poo-paw. Poo-paw, no.

I'm not marlene.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I should really wear my glasses.

Come on in.

Frank, I was wondering,

My mom always said that you wanted to be a lawyer.

Did that work out?

No. Never did.

Though I did once act as my own lawyer.

Oh, you know what,

I found some old pictures of marlene and me.

Look. - [gasps]

Look how young she is.

These are amazing.

Probably shouldn't show you this one.

Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la.

No, thank you.

You mom was such a firecracker.

Smart, funny, sharp as a tack.

Such firm breasts.

Oh, that was inappropriate.

Oh, wow, I'm just, all of a sudden,

So nervous to see her again. [exhales]

I'm gonna throw up real quick,

And then we can leave.

- Hi. - Hi.

Valentine's bash at the bulge tonight.

We can get you a drink bracelet.

I can't. I've got to work

At this senior center valentine's day dance thing.

That sounds amazing. Can we come?

I guess. I don't know why you would want to.

Because old people are funny.

i>- Yeah. It'll be like the golden girls.

I have to go get ready.

So, frank, where have you been for the past 40 years?

Oh, you know, here and there.

You know, grenada for a while.

Then panama. Then afghanistan.

So you were in the military?

Nope.

You know, I always wonder how different

My life would have been if your mother had married me.

It would have been better.

I'll tell you that much.

[hyperventilates]

Frank? Frank, are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm good.

Oh, I am just so nervous

To see her.

There is nothing to be nervous about.

Oh, have you got a bag or something?

- Do you have a bag? - I have a purse.

Well, give him your purse.

All right.

[breathing calms]

- ¶ you like pot -ay-to ¶

¶ and I like pot-ah-to ¶

¶ you like tom-ay-to ¶

¶ and I like tom-ah-to ¶

¶ pot-ay-to, pot-ah-to ¶

¶ tom-ay-to, tom-ah-to ¶

¶ let's call the whole thing off ¶

Uh, I mean, that sucked, didn't it?

Maybe if you sang it like louis armstrong?

Maybe. Yeah.

I mean, here's the thing, though.

Who is that?

My problem is I don't know

How to tell if we're doing good

Because, when you play a rock show,

It's really easy to know if you're doing great

Because chicks will flash their boobs at you

When you're up on stage.

You're like, oh, that must have sounded pretty good.

But I can't-- if that happens here,

My eyes will fall out of my head, and I'll die.

Frank? Frank, are you okay?

- Maybe we should-- - yeah.

- Frank! - Frank!

- Frank! - Frank!

¶ I can't see anybody but you ¶

¶ zip flop ¶

You know, I might be crazy,

But I have this weird suspicion

That things are going well with us.

You know, I have that same suspicion.

But, you know, having never been in something

Like this before, I feel the need to ask,

How am I doing?

Oh, come on.

No, I'm sort of serious.

All right, fine. Forget it.

I'm just saying, you know,

It seems to me on paper

That this thing we have is pretty great.

Yes, nerd, on paper,

This thing we have is pretty great.

Mark is a great boyfriend.

I have no complaints at all.

Everything is good.

I don't know. I don't feel right about this.

Are you kidding me? This is so much fun.

Look, we took a road trip today.

We chased your mom's lon g-lost love down a freeway.

He's a loon, justin.

So he freaked out a little bit.

He got nervous. I mean, you would too.

And he was fine by the time we got him back inside the car.

Yeah, well, he cried himself to sleep.

I mean, I don't know why you're pushing.

Why do you want him to spend time with my mom?

How would that help her?

I don't like this. I don't think this is gonna work.

I'm calling this off. - Come on. No, no, no.

Look, we're here. Just see what happens.

What happens is I drive him home.

Now, look, you need to breathe.

I'm breathing, okay--

Mom. - Oh, there you are.

So what's the big surprise?

You gonna try to check me into an old folks' home?

It's a long story.

One that we'd love to tell you over a cup of coffee

Somewhere far from this place.

Frank.

Hello, marlene.

My god.

I can't believe it's really you.

Want to catch up?

Sure.

¶ we're less than perfect ¶

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Do you think we should stand by--

Shh. Shh. Shh.

She's fine.

Let's just let this unfold.

[as an old person] come here, sonny.

Let me tell you about the civil war.

Grandpa, leave me alone. You smell like death.

[chuckles]

¶ your funny face ¶

I'm gonna get some punch.

¶ we're less than perfect ¶

Excuse me. You guys are really adorable.

That's really nice.

So leslie's like, "that's it.

I'm taking him home."

So we look over, and he's not even in the car anymore.

- You're kidding. - No. It's insane.

What does leslie think about all this?

Oh, god, leslie, I don't even know.

I think I just lost track of her in all the chaos.

Anyway, so now he and marlene are off somewhere,

Doing god knows what.

[laughter] - I don't want to know.

¶ ooh ¶

You're suing me for alimony?

Yes.

When we were married, I got accustomed

To a certain lifestyle, and I'm entitled

To money to maintain that lifestyle.

This is insane.

Yeah, it's insane, but it's all I got.

And you could make it all go away

If you just gave me a chance.

- What? - Three dates.

One date.

Coffee?

So your plan was to sue me

And then to use that to blackmail me

Into falling in love with you?

Yeah.

[scoffs]

Hey, you guys sound good.

You really think so?

I-- it's impossible to tell.

It's like bizarro land out there.

As soon as we finish a song, it's dead silence.

Well, what do you expect, you know?

They're like a million years old.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

You were always a big supporter of the band.

Hey, break's over.

Ludgate, cracking the whip.

Yeah, well, these old bags paid for some entertainment,

So get...

- No, you're right. - Up there.

Hey, you should play that song,

The way you look tonight.

- Mm. - That's a good one.

Next one's going out to a special little lady

Named April ludgate.

¶ ¶

¶ some day ¶

¶ when I'm all alone ¶

Are you guys--

Never mind.

- Why do you care? - I don't.

¶ of you ¶

¶ and the way you look ¶

Now what about you?

What do you do for a living?

Well, it's been an interesting ride.

- Yeah. - Got a job at a grocery store

Right out of college.

Just for a way to make money.

Here I am, 40 years later,

Completely unemployed.

Wow.

What do you say we pick up where we left off?

You're not serious, right?

Serious as a heart attack.

Of which I've had four.

¶ and the world is cold ¶

¶ I will feel a glow ¶

¶ just thinking of you ¶

¶ and the way you look ¶

¶ tonight ¶

¶ ¶

Hey, mom,

Are you okay?

Did frank leave? - Uh, yeah, he just stepped away

For a second.

I'm so sorry we brought him here.

Oh, it's okay.

It was very thoughtful, sweetheart.

It's not your fault that he turned out to be--

Excuse me.

Hi. Excuse me, hi.

[clears throat]

My name is frank beckerson.

Marlene, you...

Blew it.

Take one last look, marlene,

Because you'll never see this body again.

Marlene, what happened between you two?

Tell me everything. I want every detail.

Hey, we're almost done, so we can leave soon.

(as an old person) yes, I'll take you

For an ice cream malt, and then we can go choose our caskets.

God, why does everything we do have to be cloaked

In, like, 15 layers of irony?

Here's something unironic.

Ever since you've been hanging out with that meathead,

You've become completely lame.

You know what, we're breaking up.

Fine.

Then you can't make out with me when you're drunk anymore.

Fine. Then I'll make out with ben.

- Pass. - No, he's my boyfriend.

You can either make out with both of us or none of us.

Fine. None of you.

Fine.

¶ I've got you ¶

¶ under my skin ¶

[grunts]

Everything okay, knope?

My boyfriend is a lawyer,

And he's smart and interesting,

And there's a lot of things about him I like.

But he acted like a real jerk today.

I don't know. There's something about the way

He treats people or something.

He's a tourist.

He vacations in people's lives,

Takes pictures,

Puts 'em in a scrapbook, and moves on.

All he's interested in are stories.

Huh.

Basically, leslie, he's selfish.

And you're not.

And that's why you don't like him.

I told you so.

It's duke silver.

Duke, can I have your autograph?

I love your music.

You're mistaken, ladies.

Move along.

¶ under my skin ¶

Whoo!

Yeah, go mouse rat!

Whoo!

I thought you were just terrific.

Seriously?

You sound like dean martin.

If I were 50 years younger... - Ew.

[laughs]

Wait, who's dean martin?

If I'm not mistaken, that was

The old lady version of flashing.

Nailed the gig.

Look, it's sad. I know.

But we'll still be friends.

We're gonna see each other all the time.

I come into town, like, every other weekend.

No. You guys can't break up.

We can fix this. Let me talk to leslie.

Tom, it's over.

She doesn't want to see me anymore.

Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong?

No. Seriously, this has nothing to do with you.

- Can we still go suit shopping? - Of course.

Armani's having a sale right now.

Time to get you a pocket square.

All right.

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