Original subtitles

And it's because of you, our teachers,

that everyone of this recreation, classes in this catalog,

Shines like a jewel

In pawnee's beautiful crown.

[light applause]

Unfortunately, due to budget constraints,

This year we will have to remove

Five jewels from that crown.

- Excuse me?

Are you cutting our classes?

- Yeah.

The city, um, took away $1,000 from our budget.

So I'm very sorry.

- How will you decide which classeto cut?

- By attendance. And student evaluations.

So just make sure your students leave with a smile.

- My class is called "coping with terminal illness."

- Hopefully, your attendance is good.

Actually, no.

Hopefully, it's bad.

Nobody's more upset about this than me.

I've been taking these rec center classes

Since I was in high school.

It's where I learned hair braiding

And how to make biscuits, french kissing.

The french kissing was just from a boy in my biscuits class,

But either way, lesson learned.

[triumphant music]

- I wanna go.

- We have to get tickets in February

To go to rio de janeiro, leslie knope.

- Okay.

I am on a date with justin in indianapolis.

We've only been out a few times,

But every one of them has been amazing.

- Cheers.

- Last time, we had a private tour and cocktails

At the indianapolis aquarium.

That fish over there kind of reminds me of my mom.

- Why?

- It's... Just being really withholding.

Justin is definitely the most interesting guy

I've ever dated.

- All I did was a little paperwork.

- Hmm. He's being modest.

It is thanks to him my family remains in this country.

And it was all pro bono.

- Oh, justin.

- You have got to try this.

- Oh, that's really good.

- Isn't it great? - Mm-hmm.

- It's camel stomach. - Is it?

- I'm teasing, I'm teasing. It's chicken.

[chuckling]

- Would you like to try the camel stomach?

- No.

[laughing]

- Oh, this is me.

- So when am I gonna see you again?

Oh, you know what?

I'm gonna be near pawnee on Tuesday.

- Excellent, yeah.

I'll plan something exciting.

- Mm. - In fact...

Our date in pawnee

Is gonna blow indianapolis out of the water.

- All right. I'm gonna hold you to that.

- Good, you better.

- I will.

- I've racked my brain

And I can't come up with one exciting idea.

I mean, he once ate fried cockatoo

With a member of the thai royal family.

- Well, maybe just have him over

And cook him some chicken

And tell him it's pawnee cockatoo.

- A dinner party. That's genius.

I'll invite all my most interesting friends over,

We'll have this big rambling party--

- No, I actually meant more of, like, a one-on-one thing.

- I know what you meant,

But I took your idea and made it better.

It's called a think tank, ann.

- What is? - Our lunches.

Our lunches are like think thanks.

Okay, I want you to come over to my house at 2:00

And help me get ready.

Oh, and make sure that mark is coming.

Oh, so much work to do. You're my best friend.

Now get out of here!

- How many courses will there be?

- Three. - Mm.

- Four. - Mm...

- Not including dessert. - So five courses.

- Yes. Now it will be five courses.

- If I wanted to bring

A large number of deviled eggs

But I didn't want to share them with anyone else,

Can you guarantee fridge space?

- Just be there at 8:00.

Oh, hey, tom.

I'm having an a-list dinner party for justin

And you, out of all my friends,

Come from the most distant and exotic land.

- South carolina?

- [laughs] save it for the party.

Can you make it?

- For justin, are you kidding? I'm there.

Just don't invite any boring people like jerry.

- What are you guys talking about?

- Nothing. - Don't worry about it.

- What?

- [humming] [approaching footsteps]

- Leslie, hey. - Hi.

- Check it out. Just practicing.

- Isn't that polish gonna get on people's butts

When they sit down?

- [scoffs] no.

- Okay, listen. I'm having a party.

- Mm-hmm.

- And, um, I thought maybe you could help me with serving

And taking people's coats.

I'd pay you, like, ten bucks an hour.

- My guardian angel, I would love to.

Who's gonna be there? - Really fun people.

Ron, tom, mark and ann.

- [clears throat]

That's great. What's the occasion?

- Justin's coming to town.

- Hah...

Hey, it's me justin.

Take my coat, but please be careful.

I got it from the king of africa

When we were walking on the-- the berlin wall together.

Really, justin.

What instruments do you play?

Actually--

Actually, he's a pretty sick keyboardist.

Oh, great, I'm good to go. That sounds great.

- Great. - I'll see you there.

- All right.

- Afternoon, andy.

- [laughs nervously] hi, hi, kyle.

You know, right before you sat down,

I noticed, did you have some kind of stain on your ass

Or something, what was that?

- What?

- Oh, no, no, no. You're good.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey, ann. - Hey.

- Welcome to my house for the very first time.

- I know, I can't believe you've never had me over.

- [laughs]

- Now I can believe it.

- I know, I know. It's a little messy.

But I have a system.

So I just need you to help me

Put the finishing touches on everything.

- This newspaper's from November 1986.

- Oh, the first rumblings of iran contra.

Don't throw that out.

- I think I need to call child services

And have leslie taken away from herself.

[groans]

Leslie, don't take this the wrong way,

But your house is like a crazy person's garage.

What do you need this birdhouse for?

- Ah--

- Can we get rid of it?

- Ah--oh-- I might need it.

- What about this one?

- Well, if two birds come along.

- Leslie.

- Andy's gonna come over soon.

He can help us with all this stuff.

- Andy? No. No, no, no.

You need a team of professionals to help.

- I have an idea.

Hi, is this maria portlesman

From organize your life with maria portlesman?

- April, come here!

- What? - Shake my hand.

- Why?

- I can't tell if I've exfoliated too much.

I don't wanna creep justin out.

I want him to respect my handshake.

- Why do you care about him?

- Justin is hip.

Pawnee is the opposite of hip.

People in this town are just now

Getting into nirvana.

I don't have the heart to tell them

What's going to happen to kurt cobain in 1994.

Hey, justin.

- Ew.

It's like touching raw chicken.

- Damn it.

Gonna have to re-foliate 'em.

- Um, I'll need some help moving the boxes,

But it's doable.

- Oh, thank god. How much do I owe you?

- Oh, please. No charge.

I just appreciate the chance to demonstrate

How valuable my class is to the rec center.

And I hope you'll keep that in mind.

- Oh, no, no. I insist on paying.

- Oh, no, no. I insist on demonstrating.

- This is not going to affect my decision at all.

- Oh, of course not.

- Stop winking.

- Hey, leslie, I forgot to ask you.

What are you cooking? - Five courses.

- Of what? - Huh?

- Of what? - Oh, god.

[chopping vegetables]

So how's it looking? It smells great.

- Okay, the appetizers are almost ready.

And I think that they are a very good sampling

Of what my level one class does.

Which I hope you'll keep in mind

When you're making your decisions.

- Tania, like I said over the phone--

- I know.

It won't influence your decision.

It's just that learning to cook

Is very important in this day and age.

- Is it?

- Hey, andy. - Hey.

- Are you gonna be all right tonight?

- What? 'cause of mark and justin?

They are just guests at a really awesome dinner party

And I will treat them as such.

- That sounds very professional.

- Thank you.

I promise I will not spit in anyone's food,

Unless they should request that I do.

- Good. - Did I do this right?

- I don't know.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hey, mark.

Welcome to my humble abode.

- Well, thank you. Wha--oh.

This is way cleaner than the last time I was here.

- You've been here?

Right.

- When was mark here before?

- Oh. Sex.

- I can't wait to talk to justin again.

Last time he told me about

How he snorkeled with whale sharks in madagascar.

That was after I told him

That I sometimes go swimming at the "y."

- Oh, thank you, son.

Leslie knope.

I believe you've arranged accommodations for these.

- Yes, I have.

- Uh, hey, ron swanson, you didn't happen to hear about

The incident with mayor gunderson's dog, did you?

- Oh, my god, it was a blood bath.

- No, no, no. No talking.

Everybody stop talking... Until justin gets here.

Don't use up your stories.

- Well, I think somebody from animal services

Is gonna get canned.

- Oh, my god, what part of not talking

Do you not understand?

Please have a good time and shut your mouth.

I just want this dinner party to go well.

There are very few things I've asked for in this world:

To build a new park from scratch,

To eventually become president,

And to one day solve a murder on a train.

I think it's fair to add this to the list.

[overlapping conversations]

[doorbell rings]

- Guys, justin's here. That's justin.

Everybody. Start talking.

[silence]

Wow...

Oh...

Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Sorry I'm a little bit late.

- Oh, that's okay.

Welcome to my very interesting party.

- Andy dwyer.

Can't wait to catch up with this guy.

- All right, justin, may I take your coat, sir?

- Why, yeah. Thank you.

Can't wait.

I finally get to hang out with all your friends tonight.

- I know, it's gonna be super fun.

It's gonna be a blast.

Really, really, really, just, like, the best

And most exciting night of your life.

I cannot overhype it enough.

- All right, let's get started.

- What's up, j? - How are you doing, man?

How are you? Justin. - I have the swine flu.

- Oh, I'm sorry-- - no, she doesn't.

- [knocking on door] yo.

- Yo.

- Is that justin's coat?

- Oh, yeah. Isn't it awesome?

He got it in cambodia

When he was hiking mount everest.

- Let's put chewed up gum in his pockets.

- That's genius. But I can't.

Leslie's being super cool to me.

I can't screw over her boyfriend's jacket.

- I'll do it when you're not in the room then.

- That would be terrible.

I'm being sarcastic. That would be awesome.

- God, india is so amazing. Let me tell you something.

That is my absolute favorite place to travel.

Where did you say your parents were from?

- Um, the south part.

- Oh, the southern part's always the best part of anything.

- Have you ever been to the kanmian mosque,

Down in tamil nadu?

- Are you kiddin

My uncle practically runs the place.

I've prayed there. It's sick.

- Tell me everything, right now.

- One sec, I just gotta hit the loo,

As those bastard british imperialists would say.

[laughter]

Last time I was in india, I was eight years old.

And I stayed inside the whole time playing video games.

I gotta bone up.

Fourth largest coal reserves in the wld.

- This is the best old fashioned I have ever had.

Where did you find this bartender?

- Oh, ah, I think, I don't know.

Like maybe the yellow pages?

- There's no way that you're paying him enough.

- Well, if you want, I could teach you the secret to great--

- Shh!

- Leslie. - Ann, get over here.

- I'm here, already. - Good.

Okay, do you think this party's going well?

I mean, can you see justin? Is he having fun?

- Justin is over there talking to mark happily.

- Okay, good. Yeah, good.

I'm just gonna casually make my--

- So my face is literally on fire,

But it's this weird chemical

So no one can see the flames.

Um, I'm dancing around, freaking out.

I end up having to dunk my face

Into a bucket of sand.

- Unreal. - Unreal?

- Oh, my god. That is unbelievable.

- Oh, my god, that's-- isn't it, ann?

Unbelievable.

- It didn't happen to me.

It was a kid I knew from camp.

But a great story is a great story.

Well, plus the kid can't tell it.

His mouth melted.

[overlapping conversation]

- Dinner is served.

- Oh. Excellent.

- Hi. Oh.

I'm sorry, are we late?

- What the hell are you doing?

How could you invite wendy when ron's here?

He's gonna wrap her up in his moustache

And take her home.

- We agreed that we should invite

Interesting people for justin,

And wendy is an interesting person.

And I've been telling you for weeks

That you should tell her how you feel.

Now's your chance.

- Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

No, it doesn't!

Not cool. At all!

- He'll get over it.

- No, I won't!

- The first course is a mexican bean soup.

- Ooh. Dios mio.

- Are these peppers for consuming?

- Uh, I wouldn't. They're very hot.

- I'm gonna give it a try.

Mm. Hot.

- You're very brave.

- Please. That was one of the tiny ones.

â™?this is how you eat it â™?

- Don't do that, tom.

- Mm. [bleep]!

- Uh, um, uh--

This is something.

Justin, derek and ben are gay.

But often on occasion,

April will have relations with derek.

Right? Crazy stuff. Discuss that.

- There's not much more to discuss.

You kind of explained it all.

- [sighs]

Who else is gay?

Tom, I need your help. There was a lull.

I saw justin yawn.

Please tell me that yawning is a sign of excement

In india or something.

Tom, focus. - Ah!

- God, you're no help.

Yes, just to be clear, um,

This will in no way influence me.

It won't affect my decision

And it has no bearing on the future of your class.

- Hey, little buddy.

Everything okay?

That took a long time.

- Mm, poor tommy. He has a very frail colon.

- I feel your pain, brother.

Hottest thing I ever put into my mouth

Was in this remote village in southern brazil.

- Ooh, this sounds good. - Yeah.

They take a little bit of scorpion poison

And they serve it to you-- [doorbell rings]

- I wonder who that is. - Oh.

- Who could that be? - More people.

- A belly dancer?

[laughs] what?

It's weird, but, uh,

She just showed up.

I mean, I'm not the kind of person

That's gonna throw someone out or, you know,

Not let them in if they randomly show up.

I--I don't know how they all got here.

You know, people hear about a killer party

At knope's house, they all come a-runnin'.

- You don't do origami every day, do you?

- They brought in a little entertainment,

Thank god.

'cause that justin is so boring.

- What are you talking about? He's incredible.

- Yeah, he's not gay, but if he were,

I would totally break up with ben for him.

- Yeah, I would understand.

He's amazing, right, April?

- Right, April? Don't we love him?

[chuckles]

- Yeah, he's actually kind of awesome.

- You're underage.

I could lose my liquor license, I'm sorry.

- Andy.

- Hey, are you having fun?

- All I can say is this is not what I was expecting.

[bell rings]

I cannot believe there's more. - There's not.

- Miss knope.

I understand that you're currently evaluating

The rec center teachers.

- You're doing what, leslie?

- I demand an evaluation.

- Okay. What course do you teach?

- When it comes to choosing accounting software,

There's no accounting for taste.

[chuckles]

- [laughing]

- The advantage of quickbooks pro is that

It's easy to assemble a list of vendors--

- Well, this is great.

I'm heading home,

So as not to have to be here anymore.

My office first thing tomorrow.

- Yeah, I think we're probably gonna take off too.

- The--the demonstration takes another 45 minutes.

- Yeah, guys, please.

Everybody, can you just stay, okay?

Justin, would you--

Oh, my god.

- I promise you, miss knope,

This disciplinary committee

Will go over every detail of what happened last night

And we will determine whether you are guilty

Of abusing your power.

Do you have anything to say before we begin?

- Just that I'm looking forward

To the truth coming out.

- I would like to say that leslie

Is incapable of using people for her own gain.

- Thank you, tom.

- But I can't because

Leslie loves using people for her own gain.

- If I may, phil,

I'd like to say something to tom on the record.

- This has all been on the record.

- I'm very sorry that I invited wendy to the party.

- Is wendy one of the teachers?

- No, she's my soon-to-be ex-wife.

- And hopefully then-to-be future wife.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I put a new romance in front of an old friendship.

- Okay.

- I put a beautiful man

In front of an adorable man child.

- You're ruining it.

- I put a big white stallion

In front of a little brown pony.

- Totally uncalled for.

- Ron swanson will be next.

- When it comes to government hearings,

The only type of witness I enjoy being

Is a hostile one.

That's why I intend to answer

Every one of their questions with a question.

- Were you aware that all of the entertainment and food

Was provided by rec center teachers?

- Would I have stayed if I knew that?

- I don't know. Would you have?

- Would you have?

- No, I wouldn't have.

Did you hear leslie make any promises?

- What constitutes a promise?

- A quid pro quo.

- Oh. Do you know latin?

- Okay. Thank you, ron.

- Are we done?

- Can I get a shine?

- Oh, no, I'm sorry. We're closed.

Due to betrayment.

- Well, I'm sorry.

But I don't know what you're talking about.

- Why don't you ask your new best friend?

Whose name is justin. - Justin?

- Yes.

- I would,

But he's probably too busy...

Cleaning gum out of his coat pockets.

- Wow. Unbetrayed.

- So you don't work for the government,

And you had no idea that these people

Were teachers from the local rec center.

- No.

I was simply attending a dinner party at my friend's house.

- Why is he here, ms. Knope?

- That will become clear.

Mr. Anderson, could you please describe that evening?

- Well, I had a very pleasant time.

And from my perspective, there was no abuse of power

With respect to ms. Knope and any of her various guests.

- Could you define pleasant?

Did you have a good time? Did you have a great time?

Be specific, and do you remember that you're under oath?

- Mm-hmm. I had an amazing time.

- But you fell asleep.

- Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

No--look, I, uh, you know,

I'd been given a case the night before.

So I had to stay up all night working on it.

I didn't want to cancel.

- You should have told me, I would have rescheduled.

- Are you kidding me? I was looking forward to it.

I had an awesome time.

Which had nothing to do with the rec center teachers.

- No further questions.

- Okay.

We're going to take a break,

And we'll let you know what we decide

In about an hour.

- Great.

I will, uh, see you later.

- I'm in the middle of official business

So I can't talk about it right now.

- Okay. - But yes, yes, you will.

- Great.

- [clears throat]

So did you get that? He said "amazing" and "awesome."

So I'm gonna drive up and see him next weekend.

There's some kabuki theater festival happening.

- Great.

You're so relaxed.

You're not freaking out about this at all?

- Okay, leslie.

We've reached our decision.

We're not going to take

Any further action at this time.

- Thank you.

- It really helped that you asked for this hearing yourself

And that you made financial restitution

Out of your own pocket.

But I think we both know you skirted a line here.

- You turned yourself in? Why?

- Well, I did something wrong and I felt bad.

So this morning, I donated $1,000 to the rec center

So everybody could keep teaching their classes.

- Okay, so why did you ask for the hearing?

- Are you kidding, ann?

It's every girl's dream to ask a dude

How their date went under penalty of perjury.

I'm not proud of my actions,

But the most important thing is there is now

An official government document

That proves my dinner party kicked ass.

- Tommy hav. - J-train.

- What's up, buddy?

This might be none of my business, but...

You need to ask wendy out.

For reals this time.

- Did leslie tell you?

- No. She didn't need to.

I saw it.

- I'm not gay,

But you're the most incredible man I've ever met.

- That doesn't sound gay at all.

See you later.

- Take care. - Bye, brother.

- You sure you don't wanna come hang out for a minute?

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