Original subtitles

Norquist properties,

Is claimg the government screwed them

By illegally seizing the land.

- Well, I know about this issue.

I caed the city attorney like 50 times.

He didn't call me back.

- Oh, do you need a lawyer?

Because my friend justin's a lawyer.

I'm sure he could help.

- Oh, that'd be terrific.

- Yeah, I'll call him.

Justin's the greatest guy ever.

- [chuckling] the greatest guy ever?

- But does he dress... This well?

Brooks brothers.

Bought it right off the mannequin.

- Ron swanson?

- That's me.

- My name is george macfayden.

I wanted to talk to you about the amou of snow

In the parks.

- I've been getting a lot of visitors recently,

Thanks to a stupid, worthless, new push

To make government offials more accessible

To the public.

- There is a disturbing of benches in ramsett park!

I want to sit more!

- And another thing I like

Is the layout of the hiking trails.

- I made this in one of your pottery classes.

It's terrible!

- This is my hell.

[triumphant music]

â™?â™?

- Leslie.

Ann's friend, justin.

- Oh, hey, yeah. Of course. Hi.

Thank you. Thank you for coming in.

- My pleasure. Not a problem.

- Have a seat. - I should warn you,

Land seizure isn't really my specialty,

But I'm gonna have to take a look.

Any friend of ann's... - Is a friend of mine.

That's my motto too.

- Hmm. [both chuckle]

- , um, what is your specialty?

Is it locking up the bad guys,

Or keeping them on the streets? - Um, neither.

It's civil litigation, mostly. - That's interesting.

- Can be...I've got this crazy case right now.

Have you ever heard of this product, fire in a can?

- Oh, I love those commercials!

?if you wanna start a fire ?

?but you have to do it fast, then-- ?

- Well, you shouldn't buy it.

It will literally burn your hand clean off.

- Oh, wow. - Mm-hmm.

It is an aerosol can with an igniter and a trigger.

It's essentially a blow torch.

And, if you can believe it,

It was invented to warm up baby bottles.

- This is my colleague, tom haverford.

- Tom, justin. - How are you?

You are wearing the hell out of that suit, sir.

Banana two-button.

- Okay, let's go into the conference room.

I got everything laid out.

- We should talk later. - Tom, stop.

- Wow, 12:15. You're early today.

- April, there's no paper in the printer.

- So?

- So that's the one thing you do.

- [sighs]

- Attention.

April, stop doing that.

- Jerry told me to, so it's super-crucial.

- More important than that,

And more important than anything in this god-forsaken world

Is finding me an assistant.

- You get an assistant now?

- Yeah, I've always been able to have one,

But ve turned it down cause it's a waste of money.

In the eight years I've been at the job,

I've saved the taxpayers of this city

More than 150 grand.

But now, I need the taxpayers' money

To save me from the taxpayers.

Post this at your college.

- This looks like an ad for nothing.

- Please be careful with it.

It's my only copy.

- You are very organized, leslie.

- Yeah, I am.

Thank you.

- I love what you do. You got the coolest job.

Let me guess. This is our park.

I want to know everything about this.

- Oh, okay.

Well, these green things represent trees.

- I come in, like, two hours late

Because I had to finish watching swimfan

Because it was...On.

And everyone, like, jumped down my throat.

- Oh, man.

- Can't wait till my internship is over,

So I can get the hell out of here.

- Well, you're all set.

Free of charge, of course.

- Hey, why don't you sell your band's cds here?

- That is a brilliant idea.

I cannot believe I didn't think of that.

I have been writing a lot of songs

About shining shoes lately.

I tend to write about what I'm doing.

â™?talkin' 'bout â™?

I think you're gonna be just fine.

- Thank you so much. I know you're really busy.

- Please, it's my pleasure.

Least this stuff is interesting, you know.

You know, it actually reminds me--

Two years ago I was in borneo, officiating a wedding,

And this enormous medicine man showed up,

And he was there to basically tell--

- Justin! - Hey, kiddo.

- Hey. - How you doin'?

- I'm good. I haven't seen you in forever.

- I know, so good to see you.

- You too. Do you want to grab some dinner?

- Uh, I would love to.

I cannot. I am swamped.

- You're always so busy.

- Yeah. Next week, I promise.

- Okay. - Hey, I'm mark.

- Oh! Sorry. Justin, this is mark.

This is the city planner. - Oh, my god.

It's such a pleasure to meet you.

- Uh, pleasure. - Pleasure.

Anyway, leslie, I have to go.

It has been a super pleasure meeting you.

I am gonna get into this over the weekend,

And I will get back to you on Monday about it.

- Okay, great. - All right.

- See you, justin. - Hey, tom, good seeing you.

- I've been thinking.

It has been a while since dave left.

And I think I might be ready to start dating again.

- That's great! Oh, my god.

I have so many ideas.

- You know, I was only with mark for one night,

And then I was hung up on him for six years.

I dated dave for three months.

So if I continue that pattern,

I won't be over him for...

500 years.

- What is your ideal man?

- He has the brains of george clooney

In the body of joe biden.

- Interesting.

Okay, just off the bat,

There is a couple of doctors I think you would love.

- What about justin?

- I mean, I feel like we kind of hit it off in there.

- Yeah, I don't...

I have to think about that.

I don't--I'm not sure that would work.

- Really? Is there something wrong with him?

- No, no, he's really, really, really great.

And you're so great, obviously.

I just do--I don't-- I don't know.

But I will find you soone. I promise.

And he'll be awesome.

I'm gonna go do it right now.

- Good, great. Yes!

Go, ann, go! Oh, just one rule.

I don't want to date a twin.

'cause I've been tricked before.

- Okay.

- Yes, I understand your complaint.

I have to go now.

Plse. Thank you.

- Ron solo. - Hello, tom.

- I want to help you with your assistant search.

- Why?

- 'cause I wan to do my boy ron a solid.

I know exactly what you're looking for,

And I will find you a reliable person.

[phone ringing]

- Now, get out there and find me an assistant.

- Okay.

- I left you three messages. Did you get them?

- No, I been running around all day.

What's up?

- I found the perfect guy to set you up with.

But he's going out of town, so he can only do tonight.

So I came over here right after work.

- Is that his blood? - What?

Oh, damn. Now I have to go back.

- Who is he? - His name is chris,

And he's an mri technician.

And he's really cute and he's very passionate about his job.

And I told him all about you and he's really interested.

So dinner tonight, and here's the info.

- Thanks. Wait!

How is he gonna know it's me?

I'll wear a red rose in my hair.

No, I'll wear a giant, red hat.

No, I don't have one of those. What should I wear?

It's gotta be red.

- I will just tell him what you look like.

- Good call.

[light piano music]

- Hi, I'm leslie.

Are you chris? - Yeah.

- Sorry I'm late. - Oh, don't worry about it.

You look beautiful. - Thank you.

- Oh, here, let take your coat.

- Oh, thanks. - Sure.

- [whispering] well done, ann.

- I actually heard that. - What?

- Well, I went to wisconsin for both undergrad

And grad school.

Go, badgers. - Boo. Indiana hoosiers.

- No, badgers.

- Oh.

It's not important.

I'm just glad that we could make this happen.

- Ann kept going on about how wonderful you are,

And I just had to see for myself.

- Well, she's my number one best friend.

- Kind of wish she'd told me that you went to indiana,

But whatever.

So you're in charge of amusement parks, right?

God, that's exciting.

- Actually, it's regular parks.

Like swings and slides and stuff.

- Strike two.

- You know, isn't it funny

How these setups are always just so awkward?

[both laugh]

- Hey, watch this.

I will now extinguish this candle

With my bare hands.

- Okay.

- Gah, [bleep]! Uhh!

That really hurts. - Are you okay?

- Oh, god, it looks so much easier on the internet.

God, I gotta borrow some of your ice.

[exhales]

- German?

[laughing] oh, my god.

All right, later.

- Ah.

Was that, um, justin?

- Yes. We are going to lunch tomorrow.

- Oh, great.

Did you guys ever date?

- No, we never did.

He's just like...

A really amazing person.

- Awesome.

- Let's do this! Marley & me.

Puppies! Puppies, puppies.

- [laughing] I know.

Let's...Watch marley & me.

- Brian.

Technically, you'd be assisting ron.

But ron really doesn't do much government work,

So you'd really be working for me.

I'm interested in real world expertise.

I got a nightclub opening to go to.

Which tie do I wear?

- I like the one on the left.

- That was a trick question.

The answer is this one.

Tell me about you. Tell me about your friends.

Be as superficial as possible.

I meet a girl at a bar.

She seems kind of into me. Could go either way.

I get her number. It's two days later.

What do I text her?

- It was nice meeting you?

- No, zack!

I don't text her, "it was nice meeting you."

I wait eight weeks,

And I text her, "what's crackin'?"

- So do you enjoy it?

Being an mri technician?

- Great question.

Someone steps into the room.

Imagine a mother of three. Maybe she's a teacher.

She knows something's wrong, but she doesn't know what it is.

She's scared.

In less than an hour, I know what it is.

- What's wrong with her?

- I don't know.

But the best part about being an mri technician is...

I can see inside everything.

See that guy over there?

Imagine being able to look inside his head.

- Wow. - I know.

Could look inside the steak or this butter or this bread.

You can look inside anything.

- Well, if you look inside this bread,

All you're gonna find is more bread.

- I don't know. I'd have to do an mri.

- Anyway, it's good that you found your calling.

I mean, I've never even had an mri before.

[sets down fork] - what?

- I don't know about this.

- Well, I'm offering you a free scan.

Usually costs up to $2,000.

I'm kind of spoiling you here.

- Well, I am a little curious.

- Good.

'cause, frankly, I don't want to invest in someone

Who only has three months to live.

- [laughs]

Oh.

I'm just trying to think of this as an adventure.

You know?

Just getting right back on that horse.

Even if that horse is crazy

And want to peer inside my body.

[snap]

How does that feel?

- Uh, weird.

- Perfect.

Oh, you're not on your period, are you?

- No. Does that matter?

- Well, not for this.

Okay, it's gonna be a little cramped in there.

Don't worry, I'll be right on the other side of that glass.

[machine whirring]

- Just your basic assistant stuff.

Taking messages, wakeup calls.

Muscle milk runs, condom runs,

Bottle service to the snakehole lounge.

That kind of stuff.

- Sorry, what do I get out of this?

- Connections. Plus 19 grand a year.

Minus my 10% headhunter's fee.

- I have to pay you two grand if I get hired?

- I have a job to offer.

In the immortal words of rob blagojevich,

It's a [bleep] valuable thing.

You just don't give it away for nothing.

- So you never told me where you're from.

- I'm from pawnee. - Keep still, please.

What kind of music do you like?

- Can I answer that?

- Sure. Keep still.

- All kinds.

- It's very important

That you keep still at this moment, leslie.

I've told you that 1,000 times.

- [grunts]

- Did you ever break your arm?

You can answer that. Here, I'll turn it off.

- One time, I was on my bike,

And some boys were making fun of me.

So I chased them and I lost control.

I'm surprised you can see that.

It was like three years ago.

- I can't believe I turned the machine off for that.

You never had any kids, right, leslie?

- No. - You should.

You've got a great oven.

- Okay...Time to go.

- You've got ample room in there.

Honestly, if you wanted to,

You could go triplets right off the bat, leslie.

You got a big, industrial-sized oven.

- So we're done, right?

[phone ringing]

- Hey, how's the date going?

- Good. We just finished the mri.

- What?

- Look, I know I said that I wanted to get back out there,

But this guy is nuts.

- I'm sorry, les.

I'll find you somebody else, okay?

Just don't let this sour you on dating.

Yeah, okay.

- Hey, no cell phones!

[phone beeps off] - what was that about?

- I set leslie up on a date.

I don't think it's going that well.

- Oh, no. With, uh, with justin?

- Oh, no, this guy I know from the hospital.

- Why not justin?

- I don't really see them together.

You know?

Plus, leslie just got out of a relationship,

So I didn't want justin to be like her rebound guy

Or anything, you know?

- Yeah, that makes sense.

Leslie is a notoriously cruel and thoughtless person.

- Why are we talking about this?

- We're not.

[dog barks on tv]

- You got a large brain.

- Thank you.

- Yeah. No, it looks pretty...

Hang on.

That's weird.

- What? What's weird?

- Your brain.

You see that shadow right there?

- What--is that bad?

- I don't know, I'd have a doctor

Look at that immediately, if I were you.

- Are you serious?

- Oh, wait.

Oh.

It was like a smudge or something.

Crazy. [chuckles]

Thank god I was here.

- Mark, I've never gone out with him!

I swear!

- I'm sorry, but there's just something weird

About the way you talk about him.

- I don't know, I mean, there was definitely times

When we thought maybe we would go out someday, but--

- That's why you didn't set leslie up,

Because you're saving him.

- No, I'm not.

- Oh, yeah, you are.

- Okay, fine, you don't have someone in your life

That you think, "I don't know,

Maybe if things were different, maybe someday--"

- You know what?

You can't save somebody for the future

While you're in a relationship.

Even I know that.

- Come on, don't go.

- I'll talk to you later.

And, by the way,

The dog dies at the end.

- So did you want to go back to your place or--

- Actually, chris, it was nice to meet you,

But I think this is gonna be our last date.

- I get it.

You get your mri and get out, huh?

- This was your idea.

- Clever lady.

Guess I'm not as good a tech as I thought I was.

Should have noticed that you're missing a heart.

- Ew.

- Good-bye, leslie.

- Right.

I drove us here.

Goody.

- Do you mind if we pick up my son nate

At his basketball game on the way back?

- Wow, this is really good.

"cease and desist; burden of proof"?

- Check out paragraph two,

Where I dropped the f-bomb.

- "frivolous."

- Definitely have the city attorney look at that.

But that should be enough to do the trick.

- Well, justin, I just-- I can't thank you enough.

- It's my pleasure.

Maybe I will see you around sometime.

- Yeah, I...

I would li--would lo-- mm-hmm.

- I'll see you. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye!

- Damn, he is all right.

Why don't you hit that?

- Well, frankly, I would like to hit that.

But ann's being a little weird about it.

- When you were dating ann,

Did you know this guy justin?

- Uck! Justin?

I hate justin.

Ann was so obviously into him. It was so annoying.

- Right.

- I would say, in terms of guys that she's in love with,

Justin's up here.

- I'm up here,

And then you're down here.

- Well, I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't crazy.

So naturally, I came to you for reassurance.

Do me a favor--

Don't tell ann that we talked about this.

- Will do.

Ann perkins,

You should be ashamed of yourself.

What you're doing to mark is not cool.

- Why are you guys talking to each other?

You know what? Forget it.

I'm not getting into this with you.

- You did something wrong? - No!

- Yeah. - I didn't do anything wrong!

Come here. This is none of your business.

You don't know what you're talking about.

- Actually, I do know what I'm talking about.

Every time I used to sit around all afternoon

Playing video games, wearing only my slippers,

All of a sudden, I would start to feel bad about myself.

And do you know why?

- Didn't you just explain why?

- I would feel bad about myself

Because I would start to think about this perfect guy.

Any time you would talk about justin,

I didn't feel very important.

That was rough.

- Well, I didn't know that.

- Maybe if you had, I wouldn't have left.

But you do know now, so you have to choose.

It's either me or justin.

- I'm not gonna choose.

Wait, I'm dating mark!

- Are you, though? - Yes!

- Ah! That close.

- Ronald...

I've done it.

I found your assistant, and he's dope.

His name is jean-ralphio.

Jean-ralphio!

- Big "t."

Mr. Swanson, two things.

One, it is an absolute honor to meet you.

Two, who is that hot intern chick out there?

Because, honestly, daaaamn!

[both laughing] - uh, take a seat.

- Right here. - Here we go.

- So, jean-ralphio...

- You got him right here.

Leave a message after the beep.

- Why do I want you as my assistant?

- For starters, access to the illest clubs.

And that's just for starters.

I will work for you. I will be on you, 24/7.

I'll be like your family.

I'm here when you get here in the morning.

Sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night.

Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?

- I think our only question is when can you start?

- Right now. Let's do it.

- Thank you for coming in.

We will talk.

- Cool. I feel good about this.

Hey, you know, you can hit me up on facebook any time,

Day or night-- you know that, right?

- Take care, buddy. - Boom.

- So what do you think of your new assistant?

- I wanna punch you in the face so bad right now.

- What?

Okay.

Message received. I'll keep looking.

- Thank you.

Bring me the opposite of him.

[rock music playing]

- What kind of music is this?

- It's rock and roll, my friend.

Fast, smooth, handsome rock.

- That band is really blowing up right now.

They're number one on itunes.

- Okay, I'll take one.

- There's your change.

You are amazing.

I like when you hang out here.

- I want to be your assistant.

- Really?

You hate it here.

- So do you.

I'll make sure you don't have to go to any meetings.

If anyone comes to see you,

I'll scare them away.

- Wait, April.

If you had to choose between these two ties...

- You're hired.

- I just figured

I might as well get paid for being here.

- Hi. - Hey, I was just calling you.

- Here.

- This is a prescription for denise dogan.

- Oh, my god, I'm sorry.

I'm so out of sorts.

Here.

- Porter's grill at 7:00.

- Justin's gonna meet you there.

I'm sorry chris was such a jerk.

You deserve way better than that.

- If this situation is weird, or if you feel weird--

- It's not weird.

You guys will really like each other.

- Thanks. - I gotta run.

I have another stop on the pride-swallowing tour

Of city hall.

- Go get 'em.

- That's where I never find things.

- Hey.

- Hi, ann.

- So I just set up justin and leslie.

And I'm sorry.

I rented district 9

If you maybe wanted to spoil that for me tonight.

- [whispering]

- Oh, my god!

- Dark ending, right.

- I'm back on the horse.

And this horse is a lawyer,

So I'm looking forward to riding him.

No, wait.

- Ten months ago, she was an intern

Who could give a c-r-a-p about local government.

Now, she's our newest employee.

To April.

All: Cheers!

- [weakly] yay.

- Jerry, come and celebrate.

- No, thanks.

- Well, everybody,

Let's get back to work.

- Where are you going?

- I want to talk to ron about the size of my desk.

- Jerry...

You have to schedule an appointment.

- Okay, how about now?

- Ron's not here. - He's right there.

I-I can see him.

- I'll let you know when he's available.

- [scoffs]

- Atta girl.

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