Original subtitles

Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

[laughter]

- You are getting a rare glimpse

At this exclusive, government-only event.

Each December, one department puts on a show

That spoofs what happened in our town.

Prepare to laugh your asnov!

[chuckles]

Sid asnov is a former city councilman.

Some of the jokes are sort of inside.

- Councilman dexhart,

You're involved in yet another scandal?

That's crazier than mayor gunderson's dog rufus.

[laughter]

- Yes, there is a new one, and it's a doozy.

I don't want to go into the details,

But let me just say that it involves multiple women,

A love child, nurses, rabbis, priests.

[laughter]

Well, I hope you can all join me

At my fundraiser tonight.

I am being supported, of course,

By the glitter factory and 1-800-mattress.

[laughter]

Ha ha ha ha! Classic.

- ♪ pawnee is a city that ain't very pretty ♪

♪ and good government is our goal ♪

- ♪ we may not be big and our mayor wears a wig ♪

♪ but at least the raccoon infestation ♪

♪ is under control ♪

- [all] ♪ it's the most wonderful time ♪

♪ in pawnee ♪

[cheers and applause]

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

- Lot 48 was once a horrible and disgusting pit.

And now it's the site of pawnee's winter wonderland.

This could not be more perfect if I had planned it myself.

Which I did. And it's awesome.

So let's talk schedge, guys.

The kids are gonna come at 9:00 a.M. On Saturday,

And everyone's gonna do santa for two hours.

So I would just advise everyone

Before you get in your costume

To go to the bathroom so we can avoid what happened last year.

- It was just farts.

- 6:00 p.M., caroling with the youth choir.

And I am proud to announce, for the first time ever,

This year our tree-lighting ceremony

Will be simulcast on internet radio.

Thank you.

- That's a really big deal. - It is. Thank you.

- Listening to that tree lighting's gonna be dope!

- Okay, any questions, direct them to me--dismissed.

- Hey, uh, there was a message for you

On the work voicemail.

Councilman dexhart wants to meet with you

At 9:00 p.M.-- The boardwalk lounge.

- Shut up. - No.

- I'm not scared. I got nothing to apologize for.

I could have been a lot harder on him.

He got off easy.

And often.

[chuckles]

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

- You gotta tell me about him. I don't know anything about him.

- Okay, he's 23, he's kinda my boyfriend.

He's gay.

Last year we got drunk and he took me to the ice capades,

And I didn't get him anything.

And he's gay? - Yeah.

- Brokeback mountain dvd.

- No. - Fellas love that.

- No.

- Does he already have, like, chaps?

Like, assless chaps? - You know what, forget it.

- Okay, uh, why are you asking me?

- Because, I don't know, there's no one else to ask.

And at least you're kind of young.

- All right, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna think about it.

Through the course of all day I'm gonna mull it over.

It's all I'm gonna think about. But you're in good hands.

I'm gonna come up with something really, really good.

- Really? - Yeah.

- All right. - You got that?

- Yeah. Thanks.

- Councilman dexhart, I'm leslie knope.

- Thank you for meeting me. - It's my pleasure.

I am assuming this is about my performance

In the government follies last night.

I'd just like to say that I have nothing to apologize for.

Except for perhaps being too incisive.

- I don't want you to apologize.

I want to know who told you.

- Who told me? - Mm-hmm.

- Nobody. Nobody told me nuttin'!

What are we talking about?

- Well, based on that skit,

I know you've heard about the new scandal

That's about to break.

Who told you?

Was it the babysitter?

Was it the nurse who delivered our love child?

- What? - Oh, stop playing dumb.

You know damn well what happened.

I got the babysitter pregnant.

Then, when she was in the delivery room,

I had sex with not one

But four nurses in a supply closet.

As well as a woman whose husband

Was getting a liver transplant.

Hmm.

Now, which one of them told you?

Was it the liver lady?

- Well, I--no one-- I haven't--

I haven't heard any of this ever in my whole life.

- Oh.

- Believe me, I would have remembered this.

- Okay. Well, in that case,

Everything I just told you was just a funny prank.

[chuckles]

- Oh, hi. How was your meeting?

- It was fine.

Pretty straightforward.

Short meeting. You know, he's a busy guy.

- Yes, very busy. Look at this article.

- No!

What the--

- The story of this story is that it won't stop developing.

The mystery woman who met with councilman dexhart last night

Appears to be a government employee named leslie norp.

- Oh, my god. Oh, god.

- According to unconfirmed reports in the pawnee sun,

The two bent an elbow at this local watering hole.

And although they left separately,

No one knows where they woke up together.

Perd hapley, channel 4 news.

- All I did was write and perform in one amazing skit.

- Leslie, it's the pawnee sun.

It's a tabloid.

Nobody else has written about it.

- Yeah, no one believes that garbage.

Nobody even reads that thing.

- Leslie, what? Nice work, girl.

- Oh, god.

How do I fight back? Give me some options.

- Do you want me to seduce perd hapley?

- How would that help?

- I don't know.

I just want to see if I can do it.

- April, I appreciate that, but I don't think it's something

Worth losing your virginity over.

- Leslie, I don't know if this is important or not,

But I have heard a lot of very, very interesting chatter

Around the shoeshine stand today.

- Oh, my god, really?

What have you heard? - A lot of things.

Uh, like, "can you believe it?"

And "the parks lady boned dexhart."

And "of course she did. She's totally good to go."

And one guy was like, "I wouldn't hit that."

And the other guy was like, "me neither."

Then this third guy was like, "I would."

So I don't know if that's helpful at all.

- Well, keep your ear to the ground.

- Okay. I'll just--

- I'm not gonna let these people intimidate me.

I'm gonna do my job.

I would be lying if I said that I never thought

I would be involved in an incident like this.

Except I always assumed that I would be the politician,

And the man would be accused of sleeping with me.

And that man would be the vice president.

And I would be the president.

Okay, all right, well, you look good.

You need to put some tights on, though.

And I want you to make sure you keep your neckline

Nice and high.

- Leslie knope? Alexa softcastle, pawnee sun.

Can I ask you a few questions?

- Don't say anything.

- I'm not afraid to say anything, okay?

I have nothing to hide.

I've never even met councilman dexhart before yesterday,

And that's all I want to say about the matter.

- Some people are saying this isn't the first time

That you've had sex with a married councilman.

- Who's saying that?

- Some people.

- Okay, this interview is over.

- Go home, lay low, the truth will come out.

- I can't. I have too much work to do.

This department is not gonna deputy-direct itself.

- I think we can manage.

Just give me your schedule and we'll cover for you.

Okay, I've made copies of leslie's daily work schedule.

So we'll just split into teams,

And each team will take... [muttering]

Damn, ten items... And we'll knock this out.

- I swear to you, I never even met the guy

Before last night.

- It's okay. I believe you.

- You do? - Of course.

I think I know you pretty well.

That doesn't sound like you.

- Thank you.

- If I ever see that guy,

I'm gonna punch him right in the face.

- Yeah, that's sweet. Use your night stick.

- Which meeting is this?

- The organization of local auditing systems.

- Kill me.

- All right, first order of business...

Uh, leslie-- where's leslie?

- Um, I gave her the day off, paul.

I thought that was best. - Oh, yeah. That's good.

So you'll be making the presentation then, ron.

- Yep. Yes.

- Hey, so, uh... [clears throat]

That kind of brings us to what I wanted to talk to you about.

I, uh--

You know, my-- [clears throat]

Army reserve unit---

We got called up to active duty.

I ship out in four days.

- Oh, my god. Where are you going?

- San diego.

- Oh, my god!

- It's not dangerous.

It's mostly maintenance.

But I'm going for, like, a year.

Maybe 18 months.

And I was kind of hoping that maybe

You'd want to come with-- with me.

Like on a permanent-type basis.

I don't know, it's--

It's kind of a weird question.

I mean, I joined to put myself through college,

And, uh, it's, you know, I'm just a desk jockey,

But it's-- it's rewarding.

So yeah, I guess I'm in love with the army.

Oh, leslie. Well, yeah.

Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.

Yeah, I'm definitely in love with leslie.

It's--it's affirmative.

I--I know this seems kind of fast,

But I feel like we--

I feel like we got something here.

- I do too.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Well, you don't have to answer right away.

But you kinda do. I mean, I need to know...Soon.

[clears throat]

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Are you gonna go?

- This whole dexhart thing is not making me feel

Very attached to pawnee right now.

- San diego, jeez. - Yeah.

- You could learn how to surf.

- I know how to surf.

I took lessons when I was a kid.

I'm actually pretty good. - I bet you are.

I would miss leslie like crazy.

- Aww...

- All right, sorted out that payroll issue--this is done.

- "bring a case of beer to sanitation." why?

- Let's skip that one. They can buy their own beer.

I'm getting hungry. Let's get something to eat.

Hey, have you figured out

What you're getting ann for christmas?

- Oh, I got her a pretty great computer bag.

- Yeah? That's a terrible gift.

- No, no, tom, she needs one.

She mentioned it to me two months ago,

And I wrote it down.

That's what's called being an amazing boyfriend.

- Have you seen ann? You know how hot she is?

Men give women of that caliber speed boats,

Private jets... Not computer bags.

- Okay, what do you think I should get her?

- Diamonds. Can't go wrong with diamonds.

- Diamonds?

- There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love diamonds.

Even the super-left-wing chicks

That saw blood diamond and cried...

When they get a diamond, they're, like,

"yeah, bitch, gimme more of them blood diamonds!

Make 'em extra bloody."

Trust me.

- We are here looking at a videotape.

This is back in April, 2005.

We see here we're looking at councilman dexhart.

- Leslie, you should see this.

- And he's now about to shake hands

With leslie knope, the alleged sex toy.

- Oh, for cripes sake.

- Look at the way she's smiling at him.

And then almost unconsciously

Touching her hands to her hips.

See that? Right there.

It's like she's sending him a message

That she's ready for childbearing.

- Wow. - In a 24-hour news cycle,

The tiniest story gets dissected over and over again.

In 2004, a kid from pawnee went to the olympics,

And it was reported on for over a year.

He wasn't even competing or anything.

He just was going, literally, to watch the olympics.

- It was way too easy to get this guy here.

- Councilman dexhart, this has gone far enough.

I want you to hold a press conference

And clear my name.

- Mmm, no, thanks. - Why not?

What's in it for you?

- Well, to be honest, being linked to leslie

Is a lot less damning than the real story.

You're like a glass of whole milk.

What are you, lutheran? I love lutherans.

- Councilman, with all due respect, get a grip.

If you don't hold a press conference,

I'm gonna come forward and tell the whole story.

- It won't do you any good.

Take it from me, denying only makes things worse.

Listen, I gotta go.

I'm expected at two different maternity wards.

But before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask--

Should we?

- Oh, my god!

- People already think we did it.

You've got nothing to lose.

I'm very good. - Get outta here!

- All right, fine.

- Shoe shine. Shoe shine.

Oh, hey. - Hey.

- I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day.

I have got some awesome ideas.

- Okay.

First idea: Spray tan gift certificates.

- Uh...No.

- Trip to germany. Germany is awesome.

- And expensive.

- Good call. I didn't think of that.

- Okay, you know how people say

That you should give gifts that you would want to get yourself?

What would you want?

- Easy. Indianapolis colts reggie wayne jersey--

Number 87, double-xl, home blue,

Signed by reggie wayne right after he catches a touchdown

To win the super bowl.

- Okay, never mind. - No?

Hip-hop abs dance fitness dvd.

- We just received these exclusive photos.

We have pictures of city councilman dexhart...

- Oh, my god! I cannot believe it!

- The big issue now is who is this mystery woman?

She and knope are standing very close to each other.

And anytime you see two women

Standing very close to each other,

You immediately assume... - No, no, don't say it.

Please don't say it. - Lesbian.

- Oh, of course. - What?

- It is a veritable storm of information

Coming in to the studios here today.

- Hi, this is leslie knope, and I would like joan

To clear all of her guests tomorrow

Because I'm coming on the show.

If you think that you can drag me and my friend

Through the mud, then you've got--

Yes, I'll hold.

- It's unbelievable. - Hey.

- What happened?

- Got a call from some panicky morning joggers.

Apparently sanitation didn't empty this dumpster,

To the raccoons' delight.

- I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.

- Not in this town, sweetheart.

In this town, they're 24/7.

We can't have raccoons for the christmas thing.

They'll hunt the kids for sport.

Fess up, guys. Who dropped the ball?

- Bring a case of beer to sanitation.

- Bring a case of--

Yeah, this one's our fault, ron.

And we will take care of this for you.

- Okay good, because I have to run a public forum,

Supervise the maintenance crews,

And teach crafts at the senior center.

Simuaneously.

- Joan, I just wanted to say thank you

For letting me be on your show.

I'm really happy that I have the chance to clear my name.

- Sure. I see you brought your girlfriend for support.

That's nice. - What?

Oh, no, she's not-- - and in five, joan...

- She's a--we're-- - four, three...

- You've got it wrong.

- Sex. Drugs, possibly. Rock and roll?

We'll find out on pawnee today's

Exclusive interview with the woman

At the center of the dexhart sex scandal, leslie knope.

Leslie, my first question has to be

When did the affair start?

- Joan, I spoke with councilman dexhart

For the first time that night.

We met for about 15 minutes,

And then I went home alone, and that's the whole story.

- Well, leslie, we all saw the tape

From four years ago,

And you were flashing some serious "do me" eyes.

That's just my opinion.

- I don't understand why I'm on trial here.

You should be grilling councilman dexhart.

- Oh, you know what, that's a really good idea.

Uh, let's bring him out. Councilman, come on out.

- Hi, sweetie.

- Why didn't you tell me he was gonna be here?

- I thought it'd be more exciting.

- You look great.

[joan laughs]

- It's like I'm invisible.

- Okay, my name is ron.

You don't need to know my last name.

Whoever wants to talk, go ahead,

And we'll be out of here in a tight 15.

- I found a sandwich in one of your parks,

And I want to know why it didn't have mayonnaise.

What's so funny? - Oh.

- Yeah, I don't think kids should be allowed

On the playground equipment.

- Okay, we've been over this.

If you're worried about swine flu,

Use hand sanitizer--

- I'm not worried about swine flu.

I already had the swine flu.

I'm worried about the turtle flu!

- The turtle flu... - Turtle flu.

- Turtle flu.

- Joan, this whole pawnee sun story

Is "gotcha journalism" at its worst.

Honey, let's just keep our private life

In the bedroom where it belongs.

- We do not have a private life.

Stop saying that we have a private life.

The fact is we never slept together.

And if we did, you would have proof.

And we would have seen it by now.

- Councilman?

- I can prove it.

She has a mole on her right buttock.

- What? That is a total lie.

You've never seen my butt. What are you talking about?

He has never seen my butt.

- [chuckles]

- Well, I guess it's your word against his.

I mean... - That's right.

[joan laughs]

- Fine.

Here, joan, why don't you look for yourself?

- Is this happening?

Wait...There's no mole.

There is no mole!

This exclusive story--

There is no mole on miss knope!

- I can't believe it's come to this.

This is utterly humiliating.

- Well, councilman, care to make a comment

About no-mole-gate?

- Yes.

I really didn't think that miss knope would

Pull down her pants on tv.

But since she did,

I will admit that the rumors of our affair

Are indeed false.

- Thank you. - However...

I have no plans to resign.

- Oh, great. Okay, councilman,

You know what, you're a class act.

- Thank you.

- I thought you did great.

When you get all feisty like that,

It gets my heart racing.

Like I'm on a stairmaster.

Except more like in a sexual...Context.

- I can't go to san diego with you.

My life is here. My friends, my career.

- I guess I just thought, with everything that happened,

You'd want a fresh start.

- I know, I-- I really care about you, dave.

I just--

I love this town.

I'm sorry.

You want your ticket back?

- No. You know what, keep it.

You may want to come visit me, right?

There's a $75 change fee,

But I could pay you that, or I could reimburse you.

There's a lot of ways we could handle that.

- Oh, ho, that's, uh... [chuckles]

- Hey. Sorry I'm late.

- Hey!

- Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.

That took guts, mooning joan callamezzo.

Aww, honey... - Thanks, mom.

Oh, my god, is something wrong with the tree?

- No, nothing wrong.

- But it's almost 9:00. It should have been lighted up

An hour ago.

- We waited for you.

Okay, everybody, countin' down!

- [all] five, four, three, two,

One.

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ joy to the world the lord is come ♪

♪ let earth receive her king ♪

♪ let every heart... ♪

- It's gotten a lot harder to work in government.

You think winston churchill ever had to pull his pants down

And show his butt?

No. But would he have?

Yes.

Now, could he have?

Maybe not towards the end of his life,

But he would have.

Because he loved his job.

- Ho ho! Reggie wayne!

- Dude!

You remembered me complaining about my computer bag.

- Do you like it? - Yeah, it's perfect.

It's way better than the gift that I got you.

It's pacers tickets.

- Oh... - They're not even good seats.

Achh! - This is awesome.

- It's not awesome.

- I actually got you a second gift.

You don't have to come to this game with me.

You don't have to.

- That's the nicest gift... - Is that good? Is that good?

- Anybody's ever gotten me in my life.

- Oh, thank god.

There's a bunch of messages waiting for you

About a bunch of things I don't understand.

Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

- [sighs]

- Hi, this is leslie knope in the parks department.

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