All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s02e07.eng

Greg Pikitis.

- You're the parks lady, right?
- That's right. I'm the parks lady.

And I'm here to tell you
that this year, it ends.

This kid makes me crazy.

We got a history, Greg and I.

He absolutely terrorizes
the park system.

Every halloween
someone defaces the statue

of mayor Percy in Ramsett park.

And I know it's Greg Pikitis,
but I've never been able to prove it.

He's like an invisible,
adolescent James Bond

super-villain criminal mastermind.

Or maybe someone else is doing it.
But I really feel like it's this kid.

Got the entire parks department
watching you,

my boyfriend's a cop.

So don't even try it.

- I don't understand.
- I think you do.

It ends today.

It ends...

to...

day.

Thanks for stopping by.
You look great.

Thank you.

Ends today.

- Feygnasse Team -

.:: La Fabrique ::.

Episode 207
Greg Pikitis

mpm

lestat78

Hey, parks department.

Ann's here.

Just to remind you...

Tonight, 7:00, my house,
in costume.

Everybody in?

Halloween is my favorite holiday.

It's just the best.
And I don't have to work.

Hey, slutty teenage girls
dressed as sexy kittens,

pump your own stomachs this year.

One thing.

The people in this room now
are the people I invited.

Plus Leslie and Donna,
so don't tell anybody.

- Who's not invited, then?
- What's going on, cupcake?

Excited about the party tonight.

You're coming.
I was just about to tell you.

Jerry already told me.

Can't wait to see
how tiny your costume is.

- What time does it start?
- 7:00.

Perfect.

Yeah, it's perfect.

Check this out.
These are all the possible routes

from Greg Pikitis' house
to the statue.

That looks like something you would find
on the wall of a serial killer.

In a way that's a compliment.

Shows dedication.

What's the big deal anyway?
I mean, a kid TPs some statue.

And all the trees
and all the benches.

It takes us, like, ten days
to clean his mess up.

But more importantly, Pikitis sucks,
and I want to destroy him.

If you destroy him early,
please come by.

I will.

How is someone gonna be able
to get through that door?

What the...

Are you kidding me?

Jerry, relax. Here.

William Percy.

One of Pawnee's greatest mayors,
and a true hero.

During the Pawnee bread factory
fire of 1922,

he ran back into a burning building

and saved the beloved secret recipe
for Pawnee pumpernickel.

Didn't 30 people die in that fire?

He wasn't superman.

He looks like Ron Swanson.
Is that who this is based on?

No, it's based on William Percy.

Were you listening?

Okay, Andy. Good news.

You're officially
on the parks department payroll.

$8 an hour.

Commit this to memory.

You see him,

you stop him.

- Knock his head off if you have to.
- Don't do that.

But I give you permission
to use excessive force.

- Don't use excessive force.
- Don't go overboard.

Just stop him.
By any means necessary.

Just stop him.
You know what I mean.

A week ago, I had nothing.

Now I have a part-time job,

I'm gonna make 32 bucks tonight.

I owe Leslie everything I have.

Which after tonight
will be 39 bucks.

- Am I early?
- Nope, you are right on time.

I like your costume.

Thanks.
Raggedy Ann.

One of my favorite books
when I was a kid.

- I'm a pirate.
- Right.

Dr. Harris, how are you?

This is Ron Swanson
from the parks department.

I know him from that thing
that I'm doing.

This is Dr. Harris.

- You're a doctor.
- Yeah.

- I meant your costume.
- I got it.

Worlds colliding.

Always awkward.

8:22 p.m.

Suspect still with friends
in parking lot.

He looks obnoxious and irritating

even from a great distance.

Confirmed.

Normally I hate working
on halloween, but...

it's nice hanging out with Leslie.

You know, she's focused,
she's committed,

and she made out with me
in my cop car.

It was pretty neat.

I shouldn't have said that.
That's clear to me now.

Remember my boyfriend, Derek?

And his boyfriend, Ben?

It's totally okay
that you didn't wear a costume.

I did.
I'm a straight person.

- Sorry I'm late.
- See?

Sorry it's a little bit lame right now,
but we'll get it going.

I passed up a gay
halloween party to be here.

Do you know how much fun
gay halloween parties are?

Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers
make out with three Robert Pattinsons.

It was amazing.

So you're the Mark
that Ann is dating.

I suppose that I am.

- We're very protective of Ann.
- We look out for her.

So you kind of dropped the ball
with Andy, then, didn't you?

I loved Andy.
Oh, such a sweetheart.

- Is Andy coming tonight?
- You should get back with Andy.

Who needs a drink?

I do.

Suspect laughing with friends

and playing
with his stupid skateboard

in a snide, turd-ish manner.

"Turd-ish"?

Like a turd.

Like a little turd.

Hey, listen.
Your scare tactics clearly worked,

you got Andy guarding the statue,
why don't we go to Ann's party?

Have a little fun.

We wanted to cover that block anyway.
Wanted a police presence, so that's...

This is within the bou...
confines of...

Let's go.

- Let's pick up my costume at my office.
- Got it.

Can't we fire a warning shot
over his head?

No, babe, don't touch that.

Leaving location.

Look at stupid suspect.

I hate suspect.

- Where are my keys?
- Looks like it's open.

Really?

We've been tailing
that kid for a couple hours.

It must've been somebody else.

It was Pikitis.

Believe me now.

That doesn't mean anything to me.

This is a peach pit.

He was eating a peach
when I went to go talk to him.

This is his ace of spades.
This is his calling card,

this is what he leaves all his victims.
And it's still warm.

Go and arrest him
and send this to the lab.

We don't have a lab.

You're underage.

You're not.

I'm gonna leave.

- This isn't that fun.
- Didn't need to tell me that.

I take this home.

Nobody was drinking it,
so I'm gonna take it.

Gonna take this too.
Been meaning to read it.

This isn't strictly legal.

We consult him for an hour,
and I got to let him go.

You talk to him first.
You have a scary face.

No, in a good way.
Scary cute.

Go talk to him.

I didn't do this, man.
I promise.

Son, I'm a police officer,
okay, you shouldn't lie to me.

I'm not.

I've never been here before.
And why would I do this?

Because you've had run-ins
with Miss Knope in the past.

A second.

Ask him about the peach pit.

This isn't one-way glass, you know.
I can see you.

You know, I like Knope.

I screw with her
'cause she gets all riled up.

And her face
gets all scrunched up like this.

But I like her.
She's all right.

You see?

What?

I spent the whole day
decorating this place,

and everybody's in the kitchen.

- Why is everyone always in the kitchen?
- I think it's going fine.

It's so quiet.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

This is a total failure.
This party is a failure.

Oh, my God.

No, it's not a failure, come on.

Do you have any mounds?

Because all I can find
are almond joys.

And almonds give me the squirts.

I'm here.

Statue's fine.

"Crappy hallowieners".
That's hilarious.

- Where's the kid?
- In the conference room,

trying to hide his obvious guilt.

I don't know what to tell you.
I don't think he did it.

Yeah, he did,
and we need a confession.

Andy and I are going to take a walk.

And it's gonna be just you,
Pikitis, and these pliers.

I'm not gonna torture this kid.

Nobody said torture.

Let me take a run at him, boss?

In order to think
like one of these guys,

you have to think like them.

Yeah, he's never seen you before.

So imply that you're
someone very important,

and that you can make his life hell.

Would you like
some boiling hot coffee?

In the face?

My name is Bert Macklin.

I'm with the **** FBI.

Are these the same kind of chips?

- What's up, gorgeous?
- Perfect.

Get your raggedy ass
over here, girl.

Mad hatter?

T- pain, baby.

She poppin', she rollin'

She rollin'

She climbin' the pole

And I'm in love with the stripper

this isn't a stripper, it's my wife.
You remember her.

- Thank you so much for inviting us.
- Sure.

She's a surgeon at county general.
And she's super hot.

Well, thank you for being a doctor
and not coming dressed as a doctor.

Oh, my God, who'd be boring enough
to do that?

What happened?
Did you tell everyone

they're gonna have to get
a bone marrow transplant?

They look miserable.
This party's a disaster.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

- Don't worry. We can fix this.
- Totally.

Give us a second.

Looks like Andy's wearing him down.
I'm gonna go finish him off.

That is the dumbest thing
I have ever heard.

Why don't you shut up?

- What's going on in here?
- He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk!

That's an awful thing
to say to a human being!

- Are you crying?
- No, I'm... I am not crying, okay?

- I'm allergic to jerks!
- Okay, Andy, out.

Fine! I don't even care!

It's stupid!

The gloves are coming off.

- What's that?
- I think you know what that is.

When I came to visit you at the school,
you were eating a peach.

Then my office gets vandalized and
somebody leaves a peach pit on my desk.

I don't think that's a coincidence.

You nailed me.

There is no way
that two different people could've eaten

the same fruit, in the same day,

in the same area of Indiana.

Never mind that I was

actually eating a plum

when you saw me earlier.

I know you did this.
I don't care what you say.

You were in the parking lot
all night,

- you found a way to get in here.
- Wait.

How did you know that?

Because I followed you, genius!

If you followed me all night,

then you know that it wasn't me!

What is your problem?

I've been very civil,
but I will waterboard you.

Nope.

I don't think she would make a good cop.
I would be

frightened to live in a town
that she's the cop of, frankly.

What are you doing?

- Do you want me to liven things up?
- Of course I do.

Then relax. Turn off all the lights
that don't have colored bulbs.

All right, y'all.

Take the pigs in a blanket
and put them to sleep,

it's time to get wild!

Get this furniture out of here,
we're making a dance floor.

Come on.

Put the turkey wraps down.
We're about to get wild.

Ron Swanson in the building!

His mom's gonna be here soon.
Please, Dave, arrest him.

- On what charge?
- Handcuff him to something.

Greggy?

Gregsy.

Mrs. Pikitis.

Hi, I'm Leslie Knope.
This is officer Sanderson.

- Bert Macklin. F.B.I.
- What do you think you're doing?

You can't just hold a 16-year-old kid
against his will.

We were questioning him
about this vandalism.

- Do you have any evidence?
- Yes. Two words.

- No, we don't...
- Peach pit.

- His D.N.A. is all over it.
- We don't know that.

We can get it tested,
and if it matches your D.N.A.,

- you're going away for a long time.
- Is this a joke?

I'm calling your shift commander.

Monday morning,
I am calling your boss.

I don't know
who to call about you...

- President of the U.S.A.
- Fine!

If you ever come near my son again,

I will sue you
and everyone in this building.

Come on, honey.

Let them think they've lost us.
Then...

- Where you going?
- I got to tell my boss

why I illegally detained a teenager.

I shouldn't have gotten involved
with this. It's just...

Just bad police work.

It was bad F.B.I. work too.

My bad.

Tonight the "t" in T-pain
stands for "Tom Haverford"!

Nurses versus doctors.

On my Mark.

Three,

two,

one,

Vodka!

Son.

That is one hell of a costume.

Damn, that's good.

Nice party.

Why would anyone do this?

Kids are kids.

Everybody does stupid stuff
like this in high school.

I didn't.

But you were probably a nerd?

I mean that in a good way.

Look at you.
You're the coolest person I've ever met.

I even met John Mellencamp.

Why don't you go home?
I'll finish cleaning this up.

No way.

You got me a job.
You're helping me turn my life around.

I go home when you go home.

It's city planning.

It's mostly regulating things
and just making sure

people obey the city code.

You want to get out of here?
Go back to my place?

What?

I'm dating Ann.

Good. That was a test.
You passed.

Let's celebrate you passing the test,
over a drink at my place.

No. Still no.

You passed a second test.

But we're still watching you.

So you want to get out of here,
go back to my place?

You and Tom really
turned the party around.

We have a good time together.

Tom told me

that you know
about our green card marriage,

and I just want to say thank you

for not telling anyone.

No worries.

I'd hate for you
to have to go back to Canada.

All that socialized medicine
up there.

Wendylicious, where you been?

I was just thanking Ron for,

not telling anyone.

That was cool of you.

You won't have to keep it
a secret much longer

because in a few months we can split up
without raising any eyebrows.

And we'll invite you
to the divorce party.

Maybe Greg is innocent.

If that's the case, there's another kid
out there who's tormenting me.

Maybe.

I believe that you're innocent
until proven guilty in this country.

That's the cornerstone of democracy.

Sure.

On the other hand,
Greg Pikitis is a little punk.

I want to TP his house.

Let's do it.

Wait, this is fun, what do I do?

You just grab the toilet paper,
unroll it a little bit,

throw it over the tree.

This is for mayor Percy,
this is for the Parks Department Office,

this is for pooping
on the handball court!

This is really fun,
but I don't condone it!

Bye, guys.
You're the man, Swanson.

Thanks for coming.

Thank you so much.
I don't even know what to say.

- Don't mention it.
- Also, Tom,

your wife is super cool.

So well done.

She's pretty great.

I don't know
how you landed that chick,

but she's awesome.
Nice work.

- You're lucky.
- You ready to go?

Thank you so much.
We had so much fun.

About to head home
and have crazy sex.

That's cool. I don't...

Five-0!

I see you in there, Andy.

What are you doing?

That's them, officer.
Right there.

My God.

I'm so sorry.
We have the wrong house.

Why are you doing this?

It's hard to explain,
but we were getting revenge

on this kid,
and we thought this was his house,

- but I guess we got the address wrong.
- I'm Greg's mom.

You are?

Did he hire a fake mom again
to get him out of trouble?

What?

Whenever he gets in trouble
he goes on craigslist

and hires a woman to play his mother

and bail him out.

That little s-o-b.

I knew it!

My God.

That kid is amazing.

He's not in his room.

I don't know where he is.

I do.

Make sure you get that.

Let them go!
Stay on the leader!

I am gonna wring your neck!

How did you get into
the Parks Department? I have to know.

Maybe the F.B.I. can figure it out.

I'm not even in the F.B.I., stupid.

- You're amazing.
- You're going to jail for a long time.

He's not gonna go to jail,
he's a minor.

We'll let the jury decide.

- It's not gonna be a jury, it's his...
- The judge will decide where he goes.

- He's gonna do probation, he's a minor.
- Just let me have this.

Nice work, Knope.

That is amazing.

But the thing that's driving me nuts is,
how did he do it?

Halloween Day.
3:45pm

If you destroy him early,
please come by.

I will.

How is someone gonna be able
to get through that door?

What the...
Are you kidding me?

We were here all th afternoon.
How did he get in?

We always lock the doors

when we leave.

And Dave and I tailed Pikitis

from the moment
he left his house at 7:00 p.m.

to the moment we came back here.

Does he have a look-alike?

Did he have an accomplice?
Did he have help?

How did that little turd do it?

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