Original subtitles

Good morning. Couple announcements.

As we all know, Ron is recovering from his hernia surgery,

so I got him flowers from all of us.

So everybody needs to pitch in $90.

$90?

Because I ordered a beautiful bouquet of daffodils

from a website after a few glasses of wine.

So, Tom, I think you might be getting some daffodils too.

Donna, you're definitely getting some.

Jerry, I don't know, I'm not sure. Time will tell.

Also, I'm leaving early tonight

because I am a judge in the Miss Pawnee beauty pageant.

You get to be a judge?

Yes, and it's a responsibility I take very seriously.

I want to be a judge.

I can't believe you like beauty pageants.

Whoever Miss Pawnee is,

is gonna be the representative of womanhood in our town.

And let me assure you that this year's

Miss Pawnee will be chosen for her talent and poise.

The girls from Talent and Poise are gonna be there?

- What? - Talent and Poise.

It's a strip club by the V.A. Hospital.

- I have some meetings there. - That's disgusting.

No, what's disgusting is the Glitter Factory.

Do not go to the Glitter Factory.

So I was just at the grind, and I thought you might want

an iced mocha with extra, extra whipped cream.

Oh, my. Thank you so much, April.

You're welcome.

By the way,

completely unrelated,

I just signed up for the Miss Pawnee beauty pageant.

That's wonderful.

That is why I decided to become a judge.

So that awesome girls like you,

who are not, you know, classically hot,

can be rewarded for their intelligence and savvy.

Beauty pageants are idiotic,

but I found that the winner of the Miss Pawnee pageant

gets $600.

I can be idiotic for $600.

So are you gonna vote for me, sister?

April, it's unethical for me to show you favoritism.

You and I are like family.

- The coffee's $7. - Yes, right, of course.

Just bump that clown. Tell him they already have an Asian judge.

Awesome. Thank you so much.

I owe you. A'ight, peace.

Guess who's also gonna be a judge in the beauty pageant.

- What? How? - I know a guy.

I had to call in a few favors.

But if you don't do it to look at women in bikinis

and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

What you doing in these parts?

I just... I came by to see the murals.

This one's pretty amazing.

Yeah, this one's a beauty.

In the 1880s, there were a few years

that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee.

This depicts kind of a famous fight

between reverend Bradley and Anna Beth Stevenson,

a widowed mother of seven.

The original title of this was "a lively fisting".

But they had to change it. For obvious reasons.

She's got him by the hair pretty good there.

Leslie's really cool.

And she's smart.

It's intimidating.

To tell you the truth, I didn't come here to look at the murals.

I came to ask her on a date.

I really... I really like you.

And I was wondering

if you maybe want to get a cup of coffee some time.

Okay. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, absolutely.

Let me check my schedule.

Let's see...

Is that your grandma?

It's Madeleine Albright.

That's her name?

I call mine nana.

No, that's Madeleine Albright.

First female Secretary of State.

OK, so not... That's not your grandma then.

All right. I got it.

- How's that schedule looking? - Good. A couple days are free.

Maybe we could just...

- Lock it in later? Talk later about it? - Yeah, that's a good idea.

Ladies.

Wanna hear something awful?

He didn't even know Madeleine Albright.

- Who? - Not you too.

Madeleine Albright, 1st female Secretary of State.

No, who didn't know?

Dave, that cop that I met.

I just don't know if I can date someone who doesn't share my interests.

I mean, could you date someone who doesn't

love giving vaccinations?

I've never dated anyone who loves giving vaccinations.

Weird question for you. Are you handy?

Like, can you fix things?

- What's broken? - My shower.

It's leaky, low pressure, just all around terrible.

Easy. You want me to come over after work?

Yes, amazing.

I will cook you a cheap, quick dinner

- that will be no trouble at all for me. - Great.

Well, I'll see you tonight for the weirdest second date ever.

Okay.

Hello, fellow judges.

I'm judge Leslie Knope, and this is my colleague,

Tom Haverford, who's gonna be a judge.

Hi, Jessica Wicks, miss Pawnee 1994.

I recognized you right away.

And may I say that you look more beautiful now than when you won.

I like you.

Ray Holstead, Ray's Sandwich Place.

Yes, of course, Ray. How do you do?

I'm Charles Woliner.

I've judged every Miss Pawnee pageant for the last 30 years.

I made Jessica.

Well, Tom and I are very happy to be here.

And I'm sure, between the five of us,

we will choose the most well-rounded, intelligent, modern,

and forward-thinking woman to represent our fine town.

Right, Tom?

You don't believe me? Watch.

34c, 36b,

34b, 34d.

32a? How'd you get in here?

I'm kidding.

You're perfect, each one of you. God bless.

Here they are, your candidates for Miss Pawnee.

Let's meet the girls.

First up, please welcome April Ludgate.

Hello, I'm April Ludgate.

I'm 20 years old,

I like...

People...

Places...

And things.

And Pawnee is my favorite place in the world.

Next up, please welcome Susan Gleever.

Hi, everyone, I'm Susan.

I'm a history major at Indiana state,

I play classical piano,

and I volunteer

at the children's hospital.

- She's good. - Next,

Trish Ianetta.

Hi, y'all.

I'm Trish.

I'm 22 years old.

I've been on Youtube.

I just love to hang out with my friends.

I love to laugh.

I love the summertime

and going to the beach,

and I love wearing bikinis at the beach

with everyone there.

They can't all be winners.

Are y'all having a good time?

Looks like we got a frontrunner.

And now it's time for our ever-popular talent competition

where our ladies will each demonstrate

their excellent skills.

Here we have, Leslie's custom score card

with categories such as

presentation,

intelligence,

knowledge of "herstory,"

fruitful gestures,

je ne sais quol,

and something called

the Naomi Wolf Factor.

And our first one up is Trish Ianetta,

whose talent is baton.

My girl Trish is talented.

She's not even twirling the baton.

I'm going to do impressions.

Celebrity impressions.

That's wild, wild stuff.

This is an impression of my sister.

Hi, I'm Natalie.

I love Ritalin and have low self-esteem.

This is an impression of my boss, Leslie Knope.

Women should do everything. Check out my four-color pen.

Listen up while I talk about some really important stuff.

Parks, parks... Michelle Obama, parks.

Gay penguins, parks, sugar, parks.

She got me. She got me good.

I'm texting Trish to tell her how good she did earlier.

Susan isn't a perfect 10.

But, in my mind, Susan is the perfect Miss Pawnee.

Her values are strong.

Her commitment to her job is very admirable.

She has a real sense of...

Over here.

How's it going?

I hooked your toilet up to your shower. That's what you wanted?

Excellent.

Is that Andy?

I know you're in there 'cause I can see you through the screen.

What's up? What are you doing?

Do you live down here?

What?

My God.

You live down here.

I can't believe this is happening. What?

I can't be at my house and see my ex-boyfriend

living in a hole in my backyard like a gopher.

That's so weird.

I have been trying really hard not to bother you.

When you had that barbecue,

I didn't come up, even though it smelled so good.

You've been here a whole week?

One week only.

I guess that's the office that you were telling me about

- that you go to every day. - Listen.

Are we gonna talk about anything other than the lies?

I can't do this now.

I've a guy fixing my bathroom.

I got to go.

I got to zoom out too. 'cause I have some people coming over,

so why don't you call first, next time?

You know the way out.

It's time now for the dreaded q&a.

And the first question goes to Tom Haverford.

I have one for the hot one.

First off, I just want to say I'm a little bit surprised

because I didn't think angels could fly so low.

You truly are a beautiful woman.

You're so funny.

You're funny.

Do you have a question?

I actually have a real question.

If you don't mind.

Alexis De Tocqueville called America the great experiment.

What can we do as citizens to improve on that experiment?

I think that America

is the land of the free,

which is a wonderful thing.

And also the brave,

where people can live.

And no one can ever take that away from you.

And it never gives up.

But the high birthing rate of immigrants frightens me.

No offense to anyone out there,

but if it were up to me and my family,

I would actually call it our America and not their America.

Don't applaud that.

Don't. She didn't answer my question.

You don't think it's weird

that my ex-boyfriend lives in a tent in the pit outside my house?

It's not...

Ideal.

Maybe you should try to relax, maybe...

Take one atavin I saw in the medicine cabinet.

Dude.

I peeked. I also didn't see any toothpaste.

- Do you not use toothpaste? - I always knew he was lazy,

but this is like a new low for him.

We should invite him inside.

Have you not been listening to anything?

I don't know. It's raining outside.

And he's living in a pit.

Folks, just a couple more contestants, and then the judges will decide

our next Miss Pawnee,

a winner of $600 in gift certificates

to Big Archie's Sporting Goods and Emerson Fencing Company.

What? We don't get cash? This is for a fence?

It won't cover a whole fence, but it'll defray the cost considerably.

Oh, my God.

I quit.

I quit.

Okay. I guess she really is quitting.

No, I didn't win.

But at least I didn't make any new friendships.

So how long do we have to pretend to deliberate

till we get back out there?

- What do you mean? - We're all in agreement.

- The hot one, by a landslide. - Well, her name is Trish,

and I don't think we should rush this.

What is there to talk about? I thought Trish was just adorable.

- Take Susan, for example. I think... - Susan "boring stories"?

It's Trish. Let's go back out there.

Okay, hold on, everyone.

Hold on. Everyone, wait, wait.

Look, whoever we choose is gonna represent

the ideal woman for a year.

She'll be someone that little girls in south-central Indiana look up to.

Now nobody leaves this room until we discuss all of it, okay?

Consider yourselves sequestered.

I'm a judge, so I don't want to sound partial,

but Trish will win this pageant over my dead body.

Look, I'm the only one here

who has entered and won this contest in the past.

And I think Trish is a no-brainer.

Jessica, may I ask, what was your talent?

I packed a suitcase.

I have to say, Leslie does make a good point.

Trish is not the brightest bulb in the bunch.

Ray, good. I like what you're saying. Let's keep talking.

Just stand over there, and don't drip on anything.

Is Mark the guy who's fixing your shower?

I don't know about you, Mark, but I've seen a ton of porn,

and I know what fixing your shower means.

Sorry, you are on a date. That's cool.

No, it's all right.

Don't let me interrupt your date.

- Dig in. - I already ate. I'm super full.

I don't... I didn't want any.

Okay, so it's still 3-2 for Trish.

Guys, all I ask

is that you look into your hearts

and think, really think, about what you've seen

and ask yourselves,

who is the most impressive woman here tonight?

It's the hot one, Trish ianetta.

These are amazing. Do you...

Do you put a lot of hot sauce on these or something?

A good chef never reveals her secrets.

It's hot sauce.

Ann is an extraordinary cook.

Memories.

Do you want some more? Are you hungry still?

You know what's funny?

I was sitting over here on the couch, and I was thinking

that there was once a time when Mark used to be

the stranger in the house.

And now it's me.

Excuse me, everyone.

Why don't we take a moment to give a round of applause

to all the contestants this evening?

Especially Susan.

This isn't the first time that Susans have lost to Trishes.

And it won't be the last.

Susan and I will continue on

until the women of Pawnee are judged not by the flatness of their tummies,

but by the contents of their brains.

And, Trish,

I may not have voted for you,

but now is a time

for us to come together.

I hope you honor this crown with dignity

and a devotion to...

One, two, three.

As usual, Ann, delicious meal.

Are we doing anything in the way of dessert or coffee?

We are leaving.

Okay, I get it.

Don't worry. I'm very good at picking up signals.

- Let's go, Mark. - No, dummy, just you.

Okay.

All right.

Take care of yourself.

Just don't worry about me, Ann. Okay?

I'll be fine.

That went really well!

We had dinner,

I got to see her.

Oh, God, I was so tempted to look back at her.

Was she looking?

I had to walk so slow.

A good day.

Well, well, look who's here.

It's officer John McClane.

Welcome to the party, pal.

- Who's that? - Die hard.

- Battery? - Hey, what are you doing here?

The other day I asked you if you wanted to have coffee?

You said yes.

And then afterwards, I saw you again,

you acted like you didn't want to anymore.

We left it kind of open-ended.

- And that's made me uncomfortable. - OK.

So I thought I'd come in and ask you. Just get some clearance on this.

- Dave, I like you. - I like you too.

Okay, so, we'll get coffee then.

But I'm just busy.

Right now, my schedule's just so...

Okay. Okay, I get it.

Look, I'm not a guy who plays games.

Okay, I just came to tell you that I like you, and I like coffee,

and if you want to get some coffee, just...

Here's my number.

Coming through, buddy.

I got your message.

Thanks for coming.

Look, I'd love to go out with you.

- How about Friday for dinner? - Yeah? Great.

Will Sandra Day O'Connor and Michelle Obama

and Condoleezza Rice and Nancy Pelosi...

Are they gonna join us?

No, they won't.

Good, 'cause I don't happen to agree with Miss Pelosi's views

about the troubled assets relief program.

- I looked that up to impress you. - I figured.

Use my grill, let me do you a favor.

Take a key, just come by, grill up whatever you want.

This is one of my favorite pick-up strategies.

I'm constantly giving women my keys.

- This is your house key? - I just happen to have a spare.

Come by whenever you want.

So far, none of 'em have shown up.

That's a very appealing offer. Thank you.

Matter of time.

Hey, Craig.

- 50 more copies, please. - You got it.

I have been robbed twice.

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