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1 Eh?

Mom, a tiara is a backward symbol

of how women are only valued for their beauty.

And now that I'm wearing one...

I don't care. I look awesome. And it's super sparkly!

I'm so glad you like it.

'Cause tomorrow's your quinces, and your only job is to be happy.

Listen up, grunts.

In 55 minutes, we have the final venue walkthrough.

And you hear that rumble? Oh, yeah.

That's the sound of 183 Cubans arriving in Los Angeles.

Seventeen of whom will be staying in this room.

Er... fire code-wise, I don't think that's gonna...

Shut it!

I am going on no sleep and five Cuban coffees.

Do you really want to mess with me right now?

No, ma'am.

As head of transpo you have one job.

Get the Cubans to and from the airport.

I hope you brushed up on your Spanish.

Claro que sí.

Claro que sí.

I want it on the record that your tone is very annoying.

Okay. You're kidding me, right?

The day of my quinces, you screamed at Tía Mirtha

because she brought hot pink balloons instead of fuchsia.

Fuchsia is a royal color!

Hot pink is what a girl wears on a spring break,

before flashing her tetas.

Oye, why aren't you filming this?

You want me to film you two arguing? I have hours of that. In here.

Elena, your dress is in the closet.

If you should happen to find a straightjacket there,

please bring it out here, for your crazy mami.

First arrivals are in 42 minutes.

And Schneider, I'm sorry that I'm in hyper-focused bitch mode, but really...

thank you for doing this.

Pen, are you kidding me? You guys are like family.

Tick tock.

I just...

Mami, I really need this all to go perfectly.

Elena's been through so much this year.

I mean, the divorce, she came out to us,

her creepy little goth friend moved away.

Ah, pobrecita Carmen.

So whatever Elena wants for her quinces, she gets.

Tres leches cake? I got you.

All white flowers? I got you.

Tables named after famous feminists?

I had to do a lot of Googling, but, Elena, I got you.

And look at this seating chart. What!

I mean, I'm a humble woman, but that's art there.

And that reminds me,

Victor's cousin Macho is bringing his girlfriend.

Mami, we said no girlfriends.

Apparently, they are in love.

Okay.

Fine, I got it.

We're gonna move you to the Frida Kahlo table,

and the Oprah Winfrey table will go from eight seats to ten.

You get a seat! You get a seat!

Everybody gets a seat!

So...

how are you feeling about... Victor?

Fine.

Yeah, fine, and I have you to thank for it.

Between growing up Cuban and Catholic, I've got everything pushed way down.

You're welcome, mija.

Anyway, Victor knows I don't want to see him until the quinces.

And the kids still think he's staying at Schneider's

because your bed hurt his back.

Bueno. Yo...

Ooh.

Thank you so much, Abuelita. It's beautiful.

What's wrong with it?

Nothing. I'm happy, I'm smiling.

Exactly. You are not sobbing with joy. I have failed you.

I have failed my family.

I have failed Cuba.

Everything is all set for tomorrow.

And I just want to say, you have chosen the perfect ballroom.

Penelope. This place is an acoustical nightmare.

Doc, what are you doing here?

Practicing my toast, duh.

Oh. The toast is kinda my thing. So maybe you don't speak.

Don't worry, Leslie.

Elena's quinces is going to be a very special day for everyone.

No. Don't film that.

Excuse me.

Where is the dance floor?

Um, you're standing on it.

Are you kidding me?

I have relatives who escaped from Cuba on a raft bigger than this.

Hey. Hey, Lucy. I'm sorry about her.

Let me translate. She would like a larger dance floor.

Give the lady a bigger floor.

- Papi. - Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hi. You're here.

Yeah. I asked Papi to come so we could practice our father-daughter dance.

Oh.

Yeah, we have to do something really good

to distract the audience because the song is super cheesy.

Ay, Julio.

Let them do that. You help me sneak in the booze

we bought at Costco. Come on.

Don't worry.

I found a more modern version for us to dance to.

Oh, I kinda like this one.

Me, too.

It's about, uh, how you look away for a second

and you turn back and...

your little girl's all grown up.

It's actually getting to me.

Papi, I want to tell you something.

That I'm the greatest dancer you've ever seen?

I know.

That, and...

I have grown up.

And I've learned a lot about myself since you've been gone.

And I've changed.

- Well, not changed, but, um... - Mmm-hmm.

I'm gay.

Yeah, and you're pregnant, too, right?

Let's do all the shockers.

No.

Papi, I'm... I'm serious.

I came out while you were gone

and I was just waiting for the right time to tell you.

I don't understand. Why are you doing this?

Okay, so this wasn't the right time. Just don't be mad.

No, I'm not mad. You're just confused. I mean, you're 15.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

What's going on?

I told him.

Did you know about this?

Yeah. Just give us a sec.

Are you indulging whatever this is?

Uh, you mean supporting our daughter? Yeah, I am.

No. She's not... She's not that way, okay?

I've been gone a year. What the hell's been going on here?

Wow. Okay.

Look, I didn't know she was gonna tell you, but now that she did,

you're gonna have to figure out a way to be okay with it.

No, I don't have to be okay with anything.

She's mixed up, and you're her mother.

You aren't even trying to talk some sense into her?

That's not how this works.

Oh, so we're all just supposed to pretend like this is cool?

Because it's not. All right?

It's not.

It's my fault. I kind of ambushed him and it's...

You didn't do anything wrong, baby.

Kinda worried he's not gonna come.

What? No.

No, he just needs a minute. He's not good with change.

You should have seen him the first time he saw me without makeup. Whoa!

"Who are you right now?"

"Why don't you have eyebrows?"

Gracias.

Don't freestyle. Stick with the picture.

Follow Olguitita's example.

And what the hell is a carnation doing in here?

Mami, a word?

When was the last time you slept?

Two days ago. Yeah, but don't worry.

I take little power naps when I pee.

Maybe you should lie down.

"Maybe you should lie down."

What's happening?

Sorry. There's just a lot to do.

And people say they want to help and friggin' Tina's over there

doing her own thing, like she always does.

Keep your eye on her.

Hey, guys, what's taking so long?

Oh, hi, Carmen.

Hi, Ms. Alvarez.

Uh... sorry you can't come to the quinces,

but glad you could make it to the final fitting.

Elena wanted me to weigh in on her dress>

It's gorgeous.

La Diabla lies.

I have tried everything.

I have taken away the frills, I have put on the frills,

I have made it longer, I have made it shorter.

But she is being impossible.

I told you I love every version of it

See what I mean?

Ay, Mami, we don't have time for this.

If the dress were truly perfect,

she would be so overcome with emotion, her eyes would fill with tears.

Maybe what you're picking up on, is that...

I'm not really comfortable wearing a dress.

Of course, you are not comfortable. It's called being a woman.

I am in agony all of the time, but I look amazing.

Not sure this is the lesson I want to be teaching,

but I so want to check this box.

All I'm saying is that I'm really figuring out what I am comfortable in.

Last week, I went to a thrift store

and I got some jackets, some ties, a fedora, a pinstripe suit.

What? You want to look like Al Capone?

Ooh, what about this?

What about, instead of heels... I wear my Doc Martens?

I mean, all everybody else would see is the dress,

but underneath there'd be one thing that's a little more me.

I love that.

Keeping the dress, wearing the Docs. No more changes.

You got it, okay!

You're killing me.

Tina, baby's breath?

Stop sneaking in unapproved flowers.

That's my boy.

All right, here's your last three Alvarezes.

De nada.

Can an hombre get a pastelito up in this boca?

I learned more words.

- Hola. ¿Cómo está? - Hola.

- Ay, mira el niño tan lindo. - Gracias.

I don't know these people.

- What? - Yeah.

You picked up the wrong Alvarezes.

Did you not look at the photos I gave you?

I did.

But I don't want to be racist, so let's say I didn't.

All right. Back to el Range Rover.

But first we will stop at El Pollo Loco on La Cienega Boulevard.

I'm running out of words.

Hey, Pen?

- Come here. - Uh-huh?

Just so you know, Victor's still upstairs in my apartment.

Yeah, thanks again for taking him in.

- Actually, I think he's leaving. - What?

He was packing up all his stuff while he was telling me

about Elena's crazy phase and how everyone's coddling her.

I didn't want to kill the bro vibe we got going on, so I said,

"I know, right, bro?" But what I was really thinking was,

"Hell no, bro. That's a no-go." So... you know.

Hey there.

What's up, Lupe?

I just wanted to make sure everything was cool.

You're not gonna do something stupid like not come to the quinces tomorrow?

"Yeah, cool, Lupe. I'll be there." "Oh, thanks, Victor."

Look, I know this is all hitting you fast.

I... was really thrown at first, too.

This isn't who she is, Lupe.

It's not. It's a phase. It's what kids do. It's, like, cool now to be gay.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

She wants a piece of that sweet bullying and persecution

because being a teenager's not hard enough.

You know what? I'm not joking.

And I'm not here to fight with you. Because this is not about us right now.

This is about your daughter. And I know you love her.

And you know how much it means to Elena for you to be at her quinces.

Does the whole family know?

No.

She's only told a few people.

All right. Well, that's good. Don't tell anyone else.

- I'm not gonna tell anyone else. - Good.

Because it's not up to me.

Or you.

It's up to Elena to decide who she tells and when.

But the one thing you do get to decide

is whether you're gonna be there for your daughter.

¿Un pastelito?

¿Un pastelito?

Penelope, hola. ¿Un pastelito?

Doc, I feel like I keep asking you this, but what are you doing here?

I'm not sure.

I thought I would see everyone at the quinces tomorrow but, uh...

your mom told me to come over tonight.

Don't do that.

- Mom, don't freak out. - What happened?

It's gonna be fine.

But Tía Mimi just got a call, and you know the Fajardos?

Rosita, Diana, Marta, Cristina, Juanito and Baby Juanito?

Can't come because of a baptism on Rosita's mother's side?

They're coming.

Oh, come on!

I should have known better.

The Fajardos are OG Cubans. They run on Caribbean time.

Cristina was pregnant with Baby Juanito for 11 months,

and she still thinks he was premature.

I don't know if we can fit in any more tables.

We are not adding another table.

I can make this work.

I don't feel safe.

Gracias, estoy bien.

Dr. Berkowitz, would you mind helping me pick this up?

Oh, absolutely. It would be a pleasure.

I feel like we dodged a bullet there.

Don't drag me down with you, buddy.

Oh, uh, Leslie.

Come into my room, please.

Oh, I can't deal with this right now.

No!

There's no way you're gonna be able to fix this in time.

Oh, I'm about to go A Beautiful freaking Mind up in this bitch.

I'm kinda scared of you right now, so I'm gonna leave.

Yeah, it's a Jekyll-Hyde situation, so you should run.

The Rosa Parks table should not be in the back!

Where am I? Who put a blanket on me?

Who brushed my teeth?

10:03? Oh, my God! Is it the morning?

Oh, my God!

What?

Did I die?

Is this heaven?

Open up, it's Schneider.

Oh, God, it's hell.

I got one last pickup. You.

What is going on?

The Cubans are missing, my seating chart is gone

and I'm kind of attracted to you? Nothing makes sense.

Chill, girl.

Oh, that helps when you talk. Thank you.

I am here to take you to your daughter's quinces.

So, get in that bedroom and put on all your clothes.

Whoa, I've never said that to a woman before.

Don't mess with me, weirdly sexy Schneider.

How did this happen? Who's in charge?

It's handled, boo.

Nice work, Jay.

Tina, there's no confetti on Frida Kahlo.

Ay, Dios mío.

Okay.

Now I'm in heaven.

Immigrants. We get the job done.

I can't believe you pulled this all together.

Look at the centerpieces!

Ay, Tina. Muy bien hecho.

All is forgiven.

Yeah, most is forgiven. Okay.

Have you seen your papi?

No. But I'm seeing too much of something.

Hey!

Everything looks amazing. And your papi's here.

Okay, so I have made a few adjustments to the dress.

Mami, I already checked that box. In ink.

But it's just a few tweaks. You won't even notice.

I should not have said anything.

Mira.

I...

Oh!

Now, that is the response I have been waiting for.

Next time, don't make me jump through the hoops.

Hey, everybody.

Hello?

Hey, you guys!

The room is yours.

Thank you, Mami.

Victor and I would like to thank you all for coming.

And I'm probably gonna cry, so deal with it, mi gente.

August 7, 2001.

The doctor said Elena was due August 15th,

but you know her,

she ain't lettin' no man tell her when she gonna get birthed.

Elena has always been her own girl...

and now she's becoming her own woman.

When she was in third grade,

she played the cherry tree in a school play.

And when George Washington swung his ax,

she hit him back and yelled, "Trees are people, too!"

And that's Elena.

Always sticking up for the underdog.

Whether it's a tree, an animal, a friend...

or me.

She's taught me more about being strong...

selfless and true to yourself than I could have ever taught her.

Okay, I can't hold it together anymore, so let's just bring the court out here!

And now, let's welcome the girl of the hour...

Oh, I mean, the woman of the hour...

Elena Maria Alvarez Riera Calderón Leytevidal Inclan.

Thank you. Gracias. You're welcome.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Carmen! Oh!

What are you doing here?

Schneider flew me out.

How do you know all the steps?

Your abuelita Skyped me every day for three months.

She was so mean, she made me cry.

I loved it.

Oye. Mira.

- Ah! - Wow!

What about the suit, huh? It was perfect.

And I could never have done it without Leslie.

- What? - Well, last night your mother said,

"If you can suture, you can sew."

So, I helped her make Elena's suit.

I was on a deadline. I needed his nimble fingers.

Oh, such a talent!

It's a shame you wasted your life as a doctor.

Okay.

So when you went in your room last night, you guys were...

Sewing. What else did you think we... Oh!

Qué mala. Qué sucia.

All right, all right. Ladies and gentlemen.

Please, turn your attention to the dance floor

for the father-daughter dance.

I got you.

I'm okay, you guys.

Thank you both for making me have a quinces.

I... have to admit, this is pretty great.

Oh, you are welcome, mija.

I never tire of saying...

"I told you so."

Eat it up, 'cause we're not doing this again until your wedding.

Oh, I'm never getting married, so...

I can't hear you.

The music's too loud!

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