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1 Is it weird that we're sneaking around to make out like kids

when our actual kids are waiting at home?

Yeah.

Before I left the house, my 15-year-old told me

to tone down the makeup and be home by 11:00.

Ah, screw her. She's so lame.

That's weird. My daughter said, "Fifth date, Dad."

Don't bother coming home unless you get some."

She's three.

Hmm.

I hate to let her down, but I'm more of a seventh-date kind of girl.

Unrelated, do you want to go on two dates tomorrow?

Actually, my friends are having a dinner party.

Do you want to come?

Ay!

- Yeah, you're right. It's too soon. - No, I wanna come.

This "ay" was for my mom.

My ex is coming back from Afghanistan for Elena's quinces,

and she keeps texting me.

"Pick up his favorite soda. Pick up his favorite potato chips.

Take him back, so I can die a happy woman."

Hmm.

So your mom's really into your ex. That's... great.

Victor's in the past.

And I'm putting my phone on silent.

Mmm.

That's me.

"Dear Lupe's friend. Is her phone on silent, or did you kidnap her?"

How does your mom have my number?

I don't know.

That really happened. I'm not kidding.

Ay, qué bueno, you are home.

We are Skyping...

a handsome, available man in Afghanistan.

It's Victor.

Your husband?

- Is that your mami I hear? - Yeah, she wants to say hi.

Hi, Victor! Everything good? Great. See you next week.

Mami, I need some help in the kitchen.

In a minute. Victor is showing us a picture of a funny camel.

It is very tiny.

It has no humps.

And... it is a dog.

So... quick question.

When Papi's here next week, do I have to, like, hang out with him?

The whole reason he's coming home is for your quinces.

Plus, we haven't seen him in over a year.

I love Papi, but we have nothing in common.

Every time we Skype, we just stare at each other

until one of us thinks the screen froze. And sometimes I just pretend it...

Look, I get it,

but it's only for a few days.

And, uh, where are we with the idea of telling him?

Oh, who thinks it's a good idea to greet my Latino veteran dad with,

"Hey, I like girls!"

You'll finally have something in common.

So, Lupita, aren't you going to talk to Victor?

No.

Right, not the way you look. Here, you need a lipstick.

Oh, thank you.

I am telling you, he is back to how he used to be.

I know he says he's sober, which is great, but he needs to get actual help

or the drinking and the pills could start all over again.

Plus, he's not even dealing with his PTS.

Oh, but he looks so healthy. His skin is glowing.

Hashtag, no filter.

Victor and I are not a thing anymore.

- Okay? You got it? - Of course.

Oh, give him a chance.

Remember how you two used to sing the karaoke?

And dance into the night?

And remember your wedding day?

God, I looked beautiful.

Ooh, what are you doing, papito?

Since Papi can't be here for my cello recital tomorrow,

I'm gonna play my part of the quartet for him.

My God, he is a genius.

It makes more sense when the other three people are playing.

I wish you could be here.

Oh, yeah.

Wouldn't it be cool if I could do that Star Trek thing

where I could just transport there?

I'd be all, "Oye, Scotty, beam me up, yo."

Whoa, it worked.

I was aiming for the living room. I just missed.

Papi!

You grew!

Papi!

Okay. Wow, look at you. Beautiful, huh?

You must be breaking all the boys' hearts.

Looking good, viejita.

Vente pa' ca. Dame un beso.

Okay, let's break it up.

Everyone has told everyone they're attractive.

Hiya, Lupe.

Hi.

Well, this is a surprise, because it's not a week from now.

But it's all good, 'cause I got your many messages and texts

telling me you were coming early. Oh, wait.

- None of that happened. - Yes.

I know, I'm early, but I really wanted to surprise

papi chulo over here and see his cello show.

Awesome.

Qué nice, qué thoughtful...

Kay Jewelers. They sell engagement rings.

- And anyway, Lupe, I booked a hotel. - Okay, that sounds good.

That sounds outrageous.

He is family. Family doesn't stay in a hotel.

Would you want me to live in a hotel?

- Hello? - No, no, no.

Exactly.

You understand. You know, we weren't expecting you for another week,

and if you just drop in out of the blue like this,

you can't really expect us to be ready for you, it's...

Ready.

Wow. Is that a pillow mint?

Can't Papi stay here, Mami?

Yeah, sure.

¡Perfecto!

You can have my bed. I will sleep with Lupe.

Unless...

- No, it's fine. - He can stay out here.

- Ay, qué cosa linda. Gracias. - Claro.

Victor made breakfast.

He told me to relax. Isn't he marvelous?

Someone should take him off the market.

- Toma, Lupe. - Oh.

- Good morning, Elena. - Morning.

Hey, I made your favorite.

Clown face pancakes. Huh?

Let me guess, you don't like clowns anymore.

Or faces.

I just like to start with a protein because studies show

it's better for developing brain...

Clown pancakes, what?

It's about to be a circus in my stomach.

That's what I meant to say.

Yeah. Oh, uh... Quick, before you go to school,

I have something for you guys.

I didn't get a chance to do this last night.

But, uh, I hope you like it, papito.

Oh, maybe you can open that after... Okay.

Dang! A new PS4! Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God. Thanks.

Of course you can't play it unless your homework's done

and only when Mami says it's okay.

And I'm just realizing I should've asked her before I even gave it to you,

so now I'm just gonna stare this way and you tell me what her face is doing.

- You can keep it. - Yes.

But if you mess up, it goes up on the shelf no one can reach.

RIP Super Soaker.

And for Elena...

I know that you're a little too old for it.

But hear me out, okay? She's a princess.

But a Latina princess.

Yeah. And she's all, like, empowered.

Yeah, she don't need no prince.

- Okay. - Okay.

Thank you.

Hi, princess. I'm Elena.

"Hi. My body proportions aren't representative"

"of a typical girl my age."

At least you know.

Yeah. And... and she comes with a purse, and, uh, pajamas...

and, um, a receipt.

Solid effort. Come on, you guys. Let's go. You gotta go.

We'll see you after school at the recital.

- Can't wait. - I'm going to go, too.

I will leave you two alone.

- Where are you going? - Grocery shopping.

At 7:00 in the morning?

I like to beat the traffic.

- You're walking. - Foot traffic.

It must be nice to have someone to help out,

go grocery shopping.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Without her list or her purse.

Or leaving.

So...

You're making breakfast, you're being thoughtful.

What are you doing?

Just trying to be a decent dude.

I'm not the same person I was before I left.

I mean, I'm still crazy cute.

But, uh, I'm off the pills. I'm sober now. Been working a program.

- That's great. - Yeah.

And the other stuff, the PTS? I'm dealing with it.

I'm in a good place, Lupe. I'm a new guy.

Trying to be, anyway.

Good.

Good. I'm in a good place, too.

Which...

Ay, so, look. So I'm just gonna put it out there. I'm seeing somebody.

What? Who is he? I'm gonna kick his ass.

Is what the old Victor would have said.

Right? Yeah.

But the new Victor says, "Get it, girl."

- Okay. - It's all good.

I'm just telling you because I don't want it to be weird.

Although it was weird that you told me to get it.

But, uh, tonight, me and him have a thing.

- Okay. - So you're cool?

Well, I don't love it.

I mean, who is this guy? Is he a big part of your life?

Hey, Pen!

Which shirt do you think is better for the cello recital?

I feel like the green one really brings out my eyes.

But then I thought it might be fun if we did

a "the whole family wears blue" thing.

Hi, I'm Victor.

Is this the guy you're seeing?

Oh, my God!

- You think he and I? - Like we would ever!

Oh, my. Whoo! I needed that.

Oh, man. Me, too. That was funny.

Oh, hey, man. I'm Schneider, by the way.

She never told me you were so funny.

So you're just the guy who takes my son out to baseball

and does all that dad stuff?

Are we still laughing?

- I'm not. - I am.

'Cause I'm afraid to stop.

You know what, I gotta be honest,

I think I was happier when I thought you were sleeping with my wife.

Oh, sure, yeah.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Uh...

I never come down here shirtless or pantsless.

I never come down here. How did I get here? I'm gonna go.

Okay. But we'll see you at Alex's recital, right?

Oh...

Yeah, I just remembered I double-booked with another middle school concert.

Recital season, am I right?

Schneider. Come on, don't be ridiculous. Of course you're coming.

You'll both be there, and it'll be a good chance to get to know each other.

Yeah. Come on, man.

You should come. I insist.

Sounds fun.

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Wondering in the night ♪

♪ What were the chances ♪

♪ We'd be sharing love ♪

Oh, man. These people really need better entertainment.

Or worse hearing aids.

Look at you two,

all over each other like the old days.

Remember, love is the thing that keeps you warm in the night.

It is the quilt of passion.

Keep walking, viejo.

What...

What happened to love is the quilt of passion?

Yeah, that quilt is too old.

Are you okay there, buddy?

Yep, yep, yep.

Glad to be here as a family acquaintance to support your son.

What's his name? Alvin? I don't know. We're not that close.

Hey, great job coaching Alex's swing this season.

Widening his stance really made him a monster at the plate.

You must be so proud.

He lives here.

Early onset dementia. Sad.

Listen, man, relax. It's good, what you're doing for Alex.

I'm not around. You should keep doing it.

Although I won't be over there much longer.

- You won't? - Nah.

Private security in Afghanistan?

I mean, it's not exactly the kind of job you can grow old in.

Yeah, I know. That's what I said when you went over.

Yeah. You were right.

- Mom. - What? What's wrong?

Mrs. Aaron's van got a flat, and she was moving all the instruments.

I don't have my cello.

I don't have my Jell-O either.

This sucks.

Bad news, everyone.

No recital today.

I really wanted to show you in front of everybody.

You never get to be here for my stuff.

- We have to do something. - What do you mean?

We gotta stall. I didn't come all this way to not hear my boy play the cello.

Schneider, I have a mission for you.

I need you to locate and recover that

van, and retrieve those instruments ASAP.

You got it, Dad. I mean, dude.

I mean... I'm not looking for a father figure.

All right, we need a diversion until they get back.

Are you in, Sergeant Alvarez?

What do you have in mind, Sergeant Alvarez?

All right, everyone, uh, before you all leave,

I happened to notice your karaoke machine.

And we have a very special guest who's played...

showers from Echo Park to Afghanistan,

Penelope Alvarez!

You got this. Let's give them a show.

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then I get a little bit lonely ♪

♪ And you're never coming round ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

You know, I should be embarrassed, but Mom and Dad are kinda cute up there.

- I did this. - ♪ Turn around ♪

♪ A total eclipse of the heart ♪

♪ Turn around bright eyes ♪

♪ Turn around bright eyes ♪

Whoo-hoo! Thank you, active seniors of Silver Lake!

Do you want to hear it a fourth time?

I didn't hear it the first three times.

Oh, and now, I couldn't be prouder to introduce

the St. Bibiana String Quartet, starring cello superstar, Alex Alvarez.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

You glad you came back early for this?

We messed up on a lot, but, uh...

I know a couple of things we got right.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh!

We were so awesome!

Wow. Yeah.

I mean, we probably added five years to those old-timers' lives.

And papito, you were the best one in that quartet.

I mean, that's why they gave you the biggest violin.

Thanks. Can we set up the PS4 now?

I don't know. What do you say, Mamita?

- Yes. - Great. Oh, uh, but first...

I have something for Elena.

- Ooh. - Um, yeah, I'm sorry about the doll.

Uh, I know sometimes I still think

that you're a little girl. But you've changed.

And I haven't been so good at keeping up. But I want to.

A donation to Kiva... in my name!

Why are you giving money to a guy named Kiva

when you could be giving money to a guy named Alex?

Oh, Kiva is an organization that gives a loan to a small business

in a developing nation. They're amazing!

How did you know I would like this?

Well, I did a little research.

And, uh, well, somebody told me you were... What was it?

Annoying.

A... a social justice warrior.

Same thing.

Anyway, I don't know exactly how this works,

but if we're ever in Tibet, we can visit a kickass yak dairy.

Thanks, Papi!

But we're still sharing that PS4.

I like video games, too. Girls like video games, too.

Don't you even.

I'm in, too. I wanna Dance Dance Revolution.

Don't you have a dinner thing?

Oh, that's right.

Aw, it's true love.

I'm sure Juliet forgot her date with Romeo.

Aw.

Okay. Let me get outta here.

- And I'll see you guys later. - Bye, Mom.

- Bye. - Okay, let's do it.

I'm gonna beat you, Papi.

Just like I used to beat you in Connect Four.

Ooh.

Tough talk, huh, papito?

I actually got called to duty, so there's

no way you can beat me at this game.

And Elena, you can't cheat in this game like you do in Scrabble.

For the last time, seax is a real word.

It's a Scandinavian roofer's tool.

Wow. You make Papi feel real dumb sometimes.

All right, let's set this thing up, guys.

Lupe, one sec.

Tonight was fun, right?

Yeah. It was nice to have someone to share the load.

Listen, I... I hope we're on our way to being good, you know,

which is why I got a present for you, too.

- The divorce papers. - Yeah.

I know you've been after me to sign them, so I did.

Once you do, it'll be official.

Ay. Wow.

Thank you.

Have fun at your thing.

- That was great, wasn't it? - Oh, so great.

I absolutely loved your friends.

I can't believe that Emily and I went to the same grade school.

And we both mistrust the balloon guy at the farmer's market,

'cause that guy is full-on sketchy.

Sebastian and Peter are so cute. Their wedding pictures were so romantic.

Love wins! We have to break up.

Are you intimidated by Sebastian and Peter?

They have their problems, too, you know.

I've seen Peter fat-shame Sebastian. It's not pretty.

It's not that.

I just have a lot going on right now, you know.

Between the quinces, my family coming into town,

my ex being back...

It's not fair to you.

If I can't be here, I shouldn't be here.

Yeah. Yeah.

And your ex being back.

It's okay.

I get it.

So... we're stopping after six dates.

Perfect!

You watching me sleep, creepy lady?

I should've known something was up. You weren't snoring.

How was your thing?

It was fine.

Home by 11:00? I don't think so.

Why are you with such a snooze, huh? We know you have good taste.

Ay.

Well, if you must know, I broke up with him.

Oh, no.

Stop smiling.

Was I smiling? You better look closer.

No, no, no, no. Come on, no. None of that.

Come on, I swear, I just wanna spoon.

Oh, yeah.

You just wanna spoon?

I invented that move.

Come on, let's just cuddle, naked.

Nothing can happen.

And then nothing turned into Elena.

Come on. Just for a minute.

So, thanks for the divorce papers.

Yeah, I can't wait to get you outta my life.

Oh, God, it's just so weird.

Mami's convinced that we should get back together.

Ah, that viejita's no dummy.

- What? - Why do you smell like beer?

Oh, uh, I had a few before bed.

Okay.

Uh, I mean, what do we do? We call your sponsor, right?

I mean, is he in Afghanistan? Here? What? Where is he?

- No. No, no, no, no. - Yeah!

'Cause that's part of working the program, right?

Look, it's not that kind of program. All right?

What the hell kind of program is it, Victor?

Okay, look, you're gonna have to trust me on this.

All right? I'm doing my own thing. And it... And it's working. I promise.

Yeah, it seems like it's working.

Uh, listen, Penelope. Okay, look, I'm off the pills, all right?

And honestly, if I feel like having a couple of Coronas

at the end of the day to take the edge off, that's...

that's a hell of a lot better than when I'd pop a fistful of Vicodin

and watch 17 hours of HGTV.

Though I now know what a sconce is.

Don't joke about this! You lied to me!

No, I didn't lie, okay? I told you that I'm better and I am.

You're not gonna give me credit for that?

No, I'm not.

No. Not with your history, and not what we've been through.

You need to be in a real program.

Oh, what, at the VA?

So I can wait a month to talk to some comemierda

who's never even seen a second of combat?

No, I don't think so. I'm not doing that.

Oh, so... so just to be clear...

you're not seeing anyone about your PTS?

Look, I'm doing stuff, okay? Look, I'm keeping busy. I'm working out.

- Oh, God. - All right?

I can't believe I let you do this to me again.

Stop! Stop overreacting over a few beers.

- Overreacting? - Please!

How many beers was it when you punched a hole in the wall above the bed, huh?

How many beers was it

when you woke the kids up in the middle of the night

to say goodbye 'cause Daddy was gonna kill himself?

Huh?

I'm not saying this to hurt you.

I am saying this because I love you...

and I know who you are in here.

I remember who you were.

You've been through some hard stuff, babe,

and... and that's not your fault, but you need real help.

I'm helping myself!

I'm doing what I'm doing, okay?

And if you don't like it, well, then, that's your problem.

Yeah, you're right. That is my problem.

And I can't have that problem here with the kids. So, you gotta go.

Stay at that hotel.

And the next time I see you is gonna be at Elena's quinces.

- All right. Hey, look, I'm... I'm sorry. - No!

- Come on, Lupe. - Please!

Just go.

Okay.

Lydia. Lydia, háblale. Por favor.

Huh?

No, Victor.

Go.

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