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1 - Who is it? - It's Penelope. Open up.

One in the morning, eh?

Okay. Either something happened in your apartment,

or something's about to happen in mine.

Ugh!

You'd be surprised how many of my hookups started with "Ugh!"

Elena...

just came out to me.

Finally!

That is a load off my mind.

- You knew? - Yeah.

It's been super tough keeping it from you.

That's why I've been hanging around so much less.

You've had dinner with us four times this week.

Crazy, right? I'm like a ghost.

Anyway, she never actually told me. Alex did.

- Wait, Alex knows, too? - Yeah.

But it hasn't affected him at all.

And I walked him through everything I know about lesbians.

Don't worry. I barely know anything.

So, Alex is cool, Elena is cool. Great. Great, great, great.

- You don't sound great. - I'm not great.

Can I admit something dark to you?

When you eat sushi, you sometimes imagine the fish screaming?

I feel really weird about all this Elena stuff.

Whoa. Are you homophobic?

No!

I would never judge anyone based on their sexual orientation.

Some of my best friends are gay.

Yeah, that's actually not something...

I know you're not supposed to say that!

It's just that now that it's my daughter, it's different.

I hate that I feel weird about it, but I do.

Well, what does your mother think?

When she finds out, you'll know,

because she'll be on the roof

with a Bat-Signal shaped like the pope's hat.

He does have a popemobile.

And a cape.

Huh.

Focus, Schneider.

Okay, hey, sit down.

My advice?

If you're feeling weird... hide it.

When I was 15, I told Father I wanted to be a professional tap dancer.

He laughed.

It was that lack of support that...

contributed to my drinking and drug problem.

Professional tap dancer?

Oh, do you find that amusing?

Because 15-year-old Schneider's drinking peach schnapps

out of an unused tap shoe right now.

Oh, God, you're right.

My reaction could really affect Elena for the rest of her life.

She needs to think that I'm cool with everything

because I don't want her to turn out like, no offense, you.

Schneider, you coming back to bed?

Yeah, I do all right.

You have a girl over here and you were offering to have sex with me?

Yes, Penelope. That's the kind of friend I am.

Hi, Mami. She can't hear me.

There's my perfect daughter who I love so much,

but won't call beautiful because she doesn't like it

when people emphasize the importance of physical appearance.

Uh, good morning to you, too.

Hey, last night I did a little reading on Autostraddle,

the lesbian lifestyle and pop-culture website?

- Really? - Yeah!

I learned a ton of interesting stuff.

Fun fact, did you know monocles had a huge following

in the stylish lesbian circles of the early 20th century?

If this is your way of telling me

that you're getting me a monocle for my birthday,

I'm gonna be really upset.

Or we could talk about Gaga instead.

- Lady Gaga? - Yeah.

Is she a gay icon, or just a publicity monger?

I don't know, she's, like, a thousand years old.

So you're probably not interested in what

I found out about Eleanor Roosevelt?

Tons of monocles.

Mom, I get it. You're aggressively okay with my sexuality.

Of course! Who wouldn't be?

DJ Abuelita over there?

Oh, all right.

I'm worried about coming out to her.

Oh, really?

You're not ready to have her follow you in the streets,

ringing the shame bell?

I think I'm gonna wait until after my quinces.

All she's talked about the past two weeks is my stupid dance with Josh.

Right. Ay.

Poor Josh. How's he gonna handle this?

I bet he's gonna feel really weird about it.

But that's understandable, right?

No, I already told him and he's totally cool.

I mean, he insisted on being my dance partner to show his support.

Awesome!

I'm glad everyone is so cool and doesn't feel weird in any way at all.

You go, Josh!

Ah! There are my beautiful niñas.

Elena, I'm doing the final tweaks on the quinces choreography,

so I really want you to concentrate on your posture.

Head high, shoulders back.

Straighter.

Straighter.

Be as straight as you can be!

Oh, my God, you guys.

I just got an e-mail from my baseball coach and...

I made the travel team!

Him. He made the travel team.

Oh!

Oh, man.

All those practices I took you to finally paid off.

I did it! Him. He did it.

I'm so pumped.

Travel team is the first step toward the big leagues.

Mom, when I get there, I'm buying you a house.

Aw. So sweet, honey.

But it won't be near my mansion.

No one wants their mom around when they're dating models.

Just being real with you.

You still have Spider-Man sheets.

Just being real with you.

But congratulations, papito!

That's great news!

- That's terrible news. - Huh?

There is no way he can join that team.

- What? - Why?

Those games are so far away, you have to spend the night.

I can't miss that much work.

Well, I probably can. Let me just check with my boss.

Schneider? You do you.

We're good.

So... how about I take Alex to travel games?

- What? - Just it's...

You don't get it. It's not about you.

We're Cuban. We don't trust anyone,

outside of blood, to look after our kids.

You want to take him on a trip overnight to a strange city?

Jajaja. Qué funny.

Sorry, Schneider. Look, I barely trust her with the kids.

And I'm offended, but I get it.

Come on. I think you're being a little unfair.

I can take care of Alex as well as you can.

All right. You think you got what it takes?

Bedtime?

9:00 p.m. weekdays. 10:00 p.m., weekends.

- Blood type? - O positive.

Wrong. Red.

Mami, I got this.

Preferred sandwich, tuna or turkey?

Trick question. He's allergic to tuna,

and as for a turkey sandwich, he would quote, "Rather drink a cup of barf."

Look, I can send constant updates, drop GPS pins of his location.

I know a guy at the pet store, we could chip him.

Okay, fine.

You can take him.

But if my son comes back with even a little scratch on his head...

I was in the army.

I don't know how to waterboard, 'cause they don't teach it...

except they do.

And... one, two, three, four...

five, six, seven, eight.

Point that toe... Move the hips...

- Not like that. - Oh.

Arms up...

and pull her close.

Closer.

Closer.

Closer.

Ay, qué bien.

And this would be the moment when you would kiss, but you shouldn't.

Unless I look away right now.

Oh... is that Andy Garcia?

Oh, you are exchanging secret looks.

How am I going to keep you two lovebirds apart?

Oh!

Oh, whoa!

This is giving me flashbacks of Tiana's quinces/baby shower.

She is jealous.

Josh, you will be the envy of every boy at the quinces.

And, Elena, all of the girls will wish it

was them inside your dress.

Dare to dream.

Uh-oh...

Why are you calling, Schneider? Is Alex hurt?

You might have a two-hour head start, but I will hunt you down.

Relax, everything is great.

I was calling to let you know we checked into the hotel

twelve minutes ahead of schedule. Hey, Ron.

Hey, Nikki.

Finn's mom is, what she calls, out-of-town single.

But don't worry, I got my eye on the ball.

How's the hotel?

"His room is close to a fire escape

and the nearest elevator was inspected on April 17th by an S. Balaban."

Ooh, I gotta run.

Walk carefully. I mean, walk carefully. No one's running.

Ay, mi niña preciosa.

What's happening?

I just came out to Abuelita.

You did?

And I think it's beautiful.

You do?

Claro. And I accept it immediately, no questions asked.

Well, that is great.

Ms. Alvarez, you have the coolest family.

I'm gonna call my grandma.

Maybe she's finally ready to hear that I'm a vegan.

I'm gonna Skype Carmen and tell her the awesome news.

I love my family!

We love you, too.

I told you.

Wait, so you're not okay with it?

No, I am very upset.

Oh, thank God. I mean, thank God, Mami,

that you're so honest with your feelings.

Yeah, I know you don't agree with them,

because you are so liberal...

and I'm just a narrow-minded homofallopian.

- You mean you're homophobic? - Ha! There is the judgment.

Look... I know you are cool with this,

but you have to understand.

I am a religious woman.

I know, Mami.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but I have a problem with Elena being gay.

It goes against God!

Although, God did make us in his image.

And God doesn't make mistakes.

Clearly.

And when it comes to the gays, the pope did say, "Who am I to judge?"

And the pope represents God.

So what, am I going to go against the pope and God?

Who the hell do I think I am?

Okay. Okay, I'm good.

What?

You just worked that out in ten seconds?

Sí.

Because she is my granddaughter and I love her no matter what. Ya.

So, tell me, when is the parade?

Okay, you guys wait here.

I'll check for intruders,

put a safety lock on the toilet seat, and sweep for tuna.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Okay, guys. Guys, slow down. - This room is awesome!

- Ow! Okay. - Dibs on this bed.

- No, this bed! - Guys.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Stop, wait. Okay, stop. Stop!

So, you're obviously tired from the game.

Maybe it's time for bed.

It's six o'clock.

Yeah, Mr. Schneider, don't you wanna go hang out with the other parents?

Finn, you little rascal that I don't trust.

- Who wants to play a game of I Spy? - This guy!

When I was three.

Jajaja. Qué funny.

Okay, I'll start.

I spy, with my little eye,

something... that is clearly a fire hazard!

Hey, Mr. Schneider, can you go get us some ice?

What? Is someone injured? Oh, my God. Is it Gordon?

Yeah, he does not look well.

I'll be back in a jiff. Everybody, stand under the sprinklers.

Ramona, thank you, thank you for meeting me!

So great to see you.

So, uh, a gay bar, huh?

Immersion therapy.

You gotta get used to being around gay people,

now that I know you hate us.

I don't hate gay people!

No, I don't. You heard that "I don't" part, right?

Ay, next round's on me.

Okay, I'm a mess.

I need some gay guidance.

- Let's just call it guidance. - Okay. That's good.

That's what I need, already. Okay?

I'm feeling weird.

I am.

I'm feeling like if I knew more, I might feel better.

I don't know. Does she all of a sudden think all boys are disgusting?

No! She always thought they were disgusting.

Okay.

How will I know...

if a girl she brings home is a friend or more?

Oh...

You ask her.

Is she gonna tell me the truth?

- Probably not. - Ay, Ramona!

Well, what are you asking me? How to spot a lesbian?

I mean, do some of us have short hair? Sure.

Do we sometimes prefer practical, gender-neutral clothing?

I guess.

Does a perfect day involve going to candle-making class in our Subaru

with a roof rack full of antiques?

That's just solid American fun.

Okay. Now, I'm definitely more confused.

Look, you are raising a smart girl

who will be a productive member of society.

She's gonna have a full life and be okay.

- Thank you. That's good. - Good.

- Great. Mmm-hmm. - Great.

- You still feel weird. - I still feel weird!

Mmm.

You know what might help you?

To see me in action.

- How would that help? - Honestly, I don't think it would,

but I'm getting some serious eyes from that guapa over there.

I thought you were here to give me guidance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They can both wear dresses to the wedding,

- it'll be fine. - Ramona!

- Uh, you wanna go over there? - No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

But just out of curiosity... what is that girl doing right now?

She's looking at you and biting her lower lip.

I gotta go.

Hey, parents.

I don't want to alarm you, but the kids may already be dead.

- What the hell you talking about? - What? What are you...

I got locked out of the room and they're up there jumping on the beds.

Don't worry. The boys are fine.

Yeah, that's the magic of hotel rooms.

All they want to do is hang out in there.

Yeah, they get excited by tiny soaps and sewing kits.

Kids are so stupid.

Well, maybe I am overreacting.

Yes.

Maybe just for a minute.

Oh, sorry. What can I say...

Cubans are crazy about family.

Oh, you Cuban?

Not by birth, but spiritually, I identify as Cuban.

That's why I've been so overprotective. It's what we do.

I think we have some trust issues because Castro and all of that.

You know.

But it's good to get an outsider's perspective.

You guys have calmed me down.

Maybe I was being a little suffocating.

I need to talk to you about your kids.

Ay, Dios mío.

Don't mess it up. Oh, and you know it.

Drinking alone?

This is a gay bar.

That's what regular bars are for.

Yeah, but regular bars don't have $7 Queen-a-Coladas.

Mmm, tell me about it. This is my third Bloody Gary.

Anyway...

I'm drinking alone 'cause I'm a monster...

and monsters drink alone.

My daughter came out to me...

and I am not totally okay with it.

And I hate myself for it.

Keep the Queen-a-Coladas coming.

All right, all right.

This is a subject that I know a thing or two about,

so talk to me.

It's just that I'm ruining everything.

I want her to have the most perfect coming-out story.

You know, where I'm cool and supportive and...

we high-five and ride unicorns down a rainbow together.

Okay, so, gay people aren't magic.

But it's a common misconception, so...

I should be feeling really happy...

that she feels comfortable enough to come out to me.

But I just keep thinking...

It's not the way I pictured it.

I always imagined that we would...

bond over boy stuff.

How hot they are, how dumb they are.

The pregnancy scare.

I hold her hand while she pees on a stick.

We don't trust that stick, so she pees on a second stick.

It's negative and we go get sushi.

You know, you can still get sushi without peeing on something.

It's not the same.

How long ago did your daughter come out?

Thirty-six hours ago.

Thirty-six hours and you're not leading a pride parade?

No, but my mom is.

Let's get real.

Do you love her any less?

No, of course not.

So you're just not there yet.

This is a complete readjustment of how you see your daughter.

Trust me, she's been thinking about this for months or years.

You just found out.

Your heart is okay.

You just need a little time... for your head to catch up.

I feel a thousand times better.

Thank you! Oh!

Oh, my God, you smell so good.

Oh, this means so much coming from a super-hot gay guy.

Oh, thank you!

I'm not gay.

Well, you're at a gay bar.

And you're super hot.

Again, love what you're saying, but, uh,

I'm here with my brother. He's gay.

And to your point, it took me some time to wrap my head around it.

But now I'm good. And you will be, too.

Thank you.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize

for the smelling and the groping.

Somehow when I thought you hated the touch of women...

I assumed it was okay.

Luckily, I was too distracted by how cute you are

to hear anything you just said.

What? Shut up.

Can I see you again? Like, over dinner?

Okay.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I'm sorry, I think this is the first time

I've ever been asked out in a gay bar.

- Really? - Yeah.

I've been asked out, like, nine times in the past hour.

Hi, Mom.

Hi! Wait.

It's 11:00 at night. You're supposed to be in San Diego. What happened?

Okay, first of all, I wanna point out that Alex is 100% okay.

So there's absolutely no need to panic.

What happened?

Nothing.

Nothing?

The boys stole two maid's carts and were racing them down the hallway!

And I won!

Not the point. I get it.

Fortunately, security found me before anything else happened.

Found you? You weren't with them?

Get the water boards.

Wait, I don't understand. If he's okay, why didn't you just call?

Because there's, like, a zero percent chance

you would believe Alex was all right

unless he was standing right in front of you.

You guys, I'm so sorry.

I mean, a maid's cart? More like death wagon.

Tiny soaps you can choke on.

Shower caps that can fly off into your face and suffocate you.

And is that a clean toilet brush? I think not!

Anyway, now you're gonna yell at me

and tell me I'm never allowed near your family.

Just make it quick.

Aw...

I got in your head.

What?

I made you as overprotective and crazy as I am.

You proved I can trust you.

- Really? - Yeah, you're Cuban now.

¡Azúcar!

But we only forgive once.

God, I feel so much better.

And that is the last time I listen to a bunch of gringo parents.

They do not share our values.

- It sounds like Texas isn't that bad. - I love it.

I'm really getting into saying y'all.

I'm like a little southern belle.

Hi, Elena. Hi, Carmen!

Hi, Ms. Y'alvarez.

Can I just give you props for being hella cool about Elena coming out?

Thank you, Carmen.

I'm just happy that Elena is such a strong young woman

with a clear sense of herself.

And she has excellent taste in friends.

Compliments make me kind of queasy, so I'm gonna bounce.

I'm going to the rodeo tomorrow.

Hopefully, one of the clowns will get gored.

I love that little weirdo.

Whoo!

You're in a good mood.

- Am I? - Yeah, why?

Okay, I met a guy.

- What? - Yes.

Dish. Tell me everything!

Okay, his name is Ben. I met him at a gay bar.

What? That's right, I'm cool.

He was there with his brother, and he was super cute and easy to talk to,

and then he wasn't gay. And then he asked me out!

- Shut up! - I mean, who knows if he'll even call,

but it was just exciting, you know, meeting someone new and...

flirting, making a connection.

I can't wait for that.

It'll happen.

And I hope you'll keep me in the loop when it does.

Are you kidding? I'm going to tell you everything.

Mmm.

So, here's a question. You and Carmen?

Oh, no! We're just best friends.

I mean, she says...

"All love is a selfish sickness."

Her boyfriend is miserable.

Oh, my God!

It's Ben!

"It was so great meeting you. Best part of my night."

- Should I text back? - No, no. Play it cool.

You play it cool. I'm texting back.

No, no, Mom, you have to play hard to get!

No, I don't wanna play hard to get!

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