All language subtitles for Mom S05 E07_EN

Somebody smells nice.

I pretended to buy makeup...

...so I could swipe perfume samples
at Macy's.

Looks like the forecast
is cloudy with a chance of doing it.

Can you guys go somewhere else...

...to talk about Christy
banging my brother?

No one's banging anyone.

We decided to get
to know each other first.

I'm sorry, but having sex...

...is how you get to know each other.

If I could carry the TV
into the kitchen, I would.

All I'm saying is...

...there's a real danger
in waiting, Christy.

You could develop serious feelings
for Patrick...

...and then find out
he's got a crooked unit.

Well, that wouldn't matter to me.

All right. It's already too late.

Help us out here, Adam.

You guys grew up together.

Bathing, skinny-dipping...

Is there anything exotic
or unorthodox in the swimsuit area?

If death took me right now,
I would not hate it.

So, where are we going?

Well, Christy, as you may have gleaned,
I am something of a planner.

So I made two dinner reservations...

at equally fine restaurants,
and you get to pick.

You made reservations,

you're not married,
you're not wearing cargo shorts.

I'm getting a little dizzy.

Well, before you pass out,
here are your choices.

Steak house known for their prime rib,

seafood place known for their lobster.

Steak house.

Lobster freaks me out.

It's a giant sea bug
and I'm not having it.

Right?

Sometimes they make
you pick out your own.

I don't want to decide which one dies.

Who made me lobster God?

Speaking of giant sea bugs, it's my mom.

Watch. This is my most favorite thing
in the world.

Ignore.

Really? Most favorite?

Mine's water slides.

Oh, for God's sake, Mom.

Sorry, I better take this.

I'm on a date, which you know.
Why are you calling?

Oh, okay.

I'll be right there.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna need a rain check.

My friend Marjorie's husband
had a stroke.

He just collapsed,
right there in the hall.

Well, you got him
to the hospital right away.

That's always the most important thing.

Yes. That's the important thing.

That and life insurance.

Mom.

He can't get coverage now.

A word.

We'll be right back.

What is wrong with you?

What? That's a legitimate question.

Have you priced a casket lately?

Have you?

Yeah, when you had that cough
that wouldn't go away.

Okay, from now on,

if you have the urge
to say something, don't.

So I'm just supposed to sit there?

No. Try to be helpful.

Offer her a cup of tea or something.

I'll try, but I know a thing or two...

...about freezing a dead guy's head,
so if there's a lull...

...I might bring it up.

Wendy, how is he?

He's out of surgery and stable.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, that's great news.

Stable is good.

Can I see him?

In a few hours, when we move him to ICU.

Oh, so I guess what Victor's saying is,
"I-C-U in a few hours."

Would you like some tea?

Pass me the popcorn.

You ate it all.

Why would you hand me an empty bowl?

'Cause I wanted you
to know that I ate it all.

Well, to that I say,
why are you hitting yourself,

why are you hitting yourself?

Quit it!

What a...?

So, what are we supposed to do?

Stay up all night? What's the plan?

-Plan?
-Yeah.

Dude, you're in Plunkettville.

There are no plans.

What does that mean?

This is how it works when you date
an aggressively sober woman.

They have a lot of friends
with a lot of problems...

...and they show up
for everything together.

When there's a crisis,

they shine the AA signal on a cloud.

And then they're gone for hours.

So they're like superheroes
with a weakness for gin?

Pretty much.

AA is kind of Bonnie
and Christy's whole life,

but I found a way to work around it.

I got Bonnie to do her meetings
on Monday night,

Thursday night and Sunday night.

You found a way
to watch prime-time football...

...and make it look like a favor.

I told my buddies at the sports bar.

They're thinking of building me a shrine.

You deserve one.

Yeah, and I always have
a designated driver,

but I'm not supposed to be
too happy about it...

...or it's a red flag.

Bonnie.

She says that Victor's stable,

but that they're gonna spend the night
in the hospital with Marjorie.

Oh, well, maybe I should go over there
and bring Christy a change of clothes.

Oh, no, no, no.

-No way.
-Well, why not?

Because if you bring Christy something,

I got to bring Bonnie something
or I look like a tool.

You are a tool.

Sneak attack.

Hey, how's Victor doing?

I thought you were on a silent retreat.

I am.

But I'm worried about Marjorie
and I'm dying to talk.

My thoughts have been
all bottled up in my head...

...and it's making me.

Jill?

Sorry.

Shaman Gary came into the Zen garden.

He is such a narc.

Victor is stable. That's all we know.

Oh, thank God.

Is that a vending machine behind you?

Do they have Funyuns?

Last night I dreamed about Funyuns.

Except they were six feet tall
and kissing me.

I'm telling you,
nothing's getting satisfied here.

Oh, Gary's back.

I got to hide you in my bra.

Is it just me or does it look
like she hasn't lost a pound?

If anything, her face looks rounder.

Hey, I'm still here.

Hey, Marjorie, what'd they say?

They told me to hope for the best
and prepare for the worst.

Might not be able to walk or talk.

Oh, my God.

Well...

...whatever happens,
you won't face it alone.

You have friends you can count on.

Thanks, Christy.

I'll be happy to help, too.

I'm actually quite good
at taking care of sick people.

Since when?

I thought I could just say it
and you'd believe me.

Sometimes it works 'cause I'm tall.

-Hey.
-Hi.

-Patrick.
-What are you doing here?

Oh, he wanted to bring Christy
some clothes...

...and I didn't want to show up
empty-handed,

so here's that Sudoku
you've been working on...

...for the last year.

Really sorry to hear about your husband.

Thank you.

This is Adam's brother, Patrick.

Hi. I wish we were meeting
under better circumstances.

Thanks.

And I'm sorry I ruined your evening.

You know, why don't you two go down
to the cafeteria...

and grab a bite to eat?

-You sure?
-I'm sure.

Okay.

If you made reservations
at the cafeteria,

I'm gonna be so impressed.

I called. They don't take 'em.

Couldn't have grabbed a pencil?

It's never enough, is it?

I bet that fancy steak house
didn't serve egg salad...

...with an ice cream scoop.

Well, I think it'll pair nicely
with your Mr. Pibb.

Hospital sushi.

I see you have a taste for adventure.

And our five minutes of peace are over.

Don't mind me. I'm not here to spy.

I just had to get Marjorie another tea.

Oh, God, what did you say?

I just asked hypothetically
if Victor died,

did she think she would die
very quickly afterward?

-Seriously?
-Drop the eyebrow, Missy.

It's a thing, like penguins.

Anyway, you kids have fun.

Thank you for being so understanding...

...through all of this.

No problem.

Okay.

Something really sexy
is about to happen right now.

Oh, that, salmon roll
tasted like a penny.

Would you like some room-temperature
egg salad?

No, thanks. I'm really just here
for the company.

So...

...can we go
to a real dinner tomorrow night?

Well, I'd love to, but I actually have
to get back home tomorrow.

Well, I...

You know, I knew that eventually,
you would have to get back, but...

...I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too, but...

...it's not like I live in Australia.

That's true.

Santa Cruz is only
a three-hour-and-12-minute drive.

I might have Googled us door-to-door.

Yeah. Did I give you my address?

Look, a lot of Googling has gone on.

Well, I'm in no position to judge.

I've Googled you, too.

Oh, yeah, by the way, nice mug shot.

Was my hair in a ponytail or down?

Ponytail.

Yeah, that's the good one.

So...

...do you think we should try
the long-distance thing?

I'm game.

But while I've got you here...

You do kind of taste like a penny.

There is literally no way out of here.

Ten minutes, and we're out of...

Hey!

Is this a good time?

Sure. Come on in.

We know you've got your hands full,
so we brought you dinner.

And a card, from everyone
at the Monday night meeting.

Pardon my "happy birthday."
I didn't know what I was signing.

Thank you for this.

And for dinner.

I haven't been able to leave the house
since Victor came home.

How's he doing?

Sleeping now.

This is when I catch up on everything
I can't do when I'm with him.

So, how's it going with you ladies?

I could really use
something else to think about.

Well, I know we're supposed
to keep it anonymous,

but Rod Stewart came to our meeting.

It was not Rod Stewart.

It was a woman with a bad haircut
and an English accent.

And you just described Rod Stewart.

Christy, how's it going with Patrick?

Oh, we've been texting
the past couple weeks,

but it's hard.

Well, one way or another,
love is always hard.

Why are you pretending
to be a pharmacist...

...from the 1850s?

Because he's still having trouble
swallowing,

...so I have to crush up his meds
and give them to him...

...through the tube in his stomach.

It's gonna get better.

I hope so.

You need to get out of here for a while.

Yeah. A meeting and a pedicure, stat.

Boy, that sounds so good.

I can't leave him.

You have to take care of yourself, too.

Yeah, it's like that whole thing
on the airplane...

...when you got to put your mask on first
before you put it on the kid.

But you're supposed
to put it on me eventually.

You made it to Orlando. Let it go.

Okay, here's the plan.

You take Marjorie out,
I'll hold down the fort.

Oh, boy.

Maybe you're right,
I could use a change of scenery.

Are you sure you can handle Victor?

Of course.

Okay.

He's gonna wake up soon.

These are the doctor's instructions.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. You got this, Christy.

I can't believe you left me there
all afternoon.

Hey. My day wasn't exactly
a picnic, either.

You're seriously trying to compare...

...caring for a stroke victim
to a Mani-pedi?

Have you seen Marjorie's feet?

I've never even seen her
in open-toed shoes.

Well, there's a reason.

Yikes.

This must be so hard for her.

One minute you're in love,
you've got a partner,

and the next you're caring
for somebody...

...who's completely helpless.

It's so sad.

She has one toenail that looks
like the roof of a shed.

I just want to take
a nice, hot Purell bath...

...and look at those otters
holding hands on YouTube.

My favorite part
is when they get separated,

then they reach back for each other.

Right? They're making a choice.

Hey.

Oh, my God, Patrick!

-Hi.
-Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, I realized something
I didn't like about Santa Cruz.

Too many hippies?

Not enough hippies? What?

You weren't there.

Oh, what a cheeseball.

Maybe, but I like it.

You know, I wouldn't mind
a little cheese every now and then.

Go away for two weeks,
let's see what happens.

Hey, so, how about I finally take you out
to that fancy dinner?

Give me time to take a shower
and make myself pretty.

Oh, well, you're already pretty.

See? That right there, be like that.

Hey.

Hey.

Didn't expect you home tonight.

Yeah. If you'd have been
ten minutes earlier,

you would have seen...

Anyway, welcome home.

Would it kill you to throw down a towel?

Why aren't you back
at Patrick's hotel room...

...throwing down your own towel?

After dinner, things got kind of awkward.

Then he said he was tired
and dropped me off.

What happened?

It's not that big a deal.

We were talking,
he asked me about my day,

and I told him
about taking care of Victor.

What's wrong with that?

Then I mentioned...

...that I could see myself
taking care of Patrick...

...if he has a stroke when he's old.

Yikes! What...?

What is wrong with you?

I thought you liked him.

And I may have used the word "diaper."

Oh, my God!

But this is all 30 years from now!

You said 30 years?

Wow, I don't usually think of you
as stupid.

We've been together two years,
and we're engaged,

and we don't talk about the future.

Six hours in advance, that's our max.

Yeah.

Watch. What are we doing tomorrow night?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

Do you think I scared him?

Like a clown in a sewer.

Thanks, Mom.

Our little girl's gonna die alone.

Hey.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I intercepted your room service order.

I didn't order anything,
so you better come in quick.

So, you're probably wondering
why I'm here.

Oh, you mean you didn't just come by
to steal some...

What is that? Huevos rancheros?

I just wanted to apologize
for last night.

I was trying to tell you about my day,

and suddenly,
I was 30 years in the future...

...and kind of dragging you along
with me.

Well, I have to admit,
it did freak me out a little bit.

I know.

I'm so sorry.

Well, you got to understand, I'm just...

...getting out of a long marriage,

and I haven't been alone since I was 19.

-I get it. I get it.
-Yeah.

You want to play the field.

You want to see what's out there.

You want to cross some things off
your sex bucket list.

I don't know what a sex bucket is...

...but yeah, that was basically the plan.

And then I met you, and...

I guess what really scares me

is that you weren't the only one thinking
about the future.

I wasn't?

No. I mean, I mean...

We haven't even slept together.

I saw this cute little beach house,
and I thought to myself,

"Maybe Christy and I should live there."

Your fantasy has a beach house.

Mine has you in a diaper.

Yeah, mine's better.

But equally terrifying.

You're as crazy as I am and...

...that's kind of reassuring.

You know what? I'd better go.

I don't want to wreck this relationship.

Yeah. Me neither.

Maybe we just should...

...take it slow.

-Probably a good idea.
-Yeah.

So, this beach house...

...is it big enough for my mom and Adam?

If there's a guest room,
I'll board it up.

Oh, God, that's hot.

-All right.
-All right.

-Okay, I'm gonna go, yes.
-Yes. Okay.

All right. I'll see you.

Okay.

Goodbye.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Thanks for being here,
Bonnie, you're a big help.

You're welcome.

And I want you to know...

...I'm really working on saying
appropriate things when I'm here.

Good for you.

In fact...

I've even written some down
that I think are not only positive,

but hopefully of some comfort.

"Despite your crushing exhaustion,
you don't look that bad."

Thank you.

"Now you have a built-in excuse
to avoid unappealing events,"

"like children's birthday parties."

I'll keep that in mind.

Here's a good one.

"I was at first frightened
when I looked at Victor,"

"but now I am less so."

You know what? I'm just gonna focus...

...on the fact that you cared enough
to write a list.

I have four more.

-Just make me some tea.
-Okay.