Original subtitles

Britain and America - two great nations standing side by side.

We've been allies, we've been friends, we've been lovers.

Britain was even going to get married to America,

but then it discovered America was gay

and secretly having it off with Brazil.

But what about the people of our two countries?

What do we share, apart from a paranoid distrust of all things foreign?

Come with me as we finding out in Little Britain USA.

One thing that's very popular with both the British and the Americans

People love the feelings of melancholy and insignificance that it provides.

This church in Mississippi is playing host to British tourists, Lou and Andy.

- I don't wanna go to church. - I thought you liked going to church.

I'd rather watch Dukes Of Hazzard.

I've been praying and praying for a miracle, and this might be the day.

* ...In the blood of the Lamb... *

* Flintstones, meet the Flintstones

* They're the modern Stone Age family

* From the town of Bedrock

* They're a page right out of history Let's ride

* With the family down the street

* From the... da-da-da-da-da-da-da... *

Praise be to Jesus!

- Praise Jesus Christ! - I need to use the toilet.

- I'll take you in a minute. - Wanna go now.

And now, dear friends,

it's time for me to invite

any of you good folk who are sick and lame up to the altar for healing.

Who would like to be first?

How about you, poor, legless child?

Er...no, thanks.

Oh, yes, please, Pastor.

Could you help me, please, friends?

Just get him up on the stage.

Bit of a kerfuffle.

Thank you, thank you, members of the Christian brotherhood. Thank you.

Pastor.

What is your name, son?

Andy Pipkin.

And you've no feeling in your legs whatsoever?

No.

???

Jesus Christ, have pity on this mongoloid boy and make him walk!

Make him walk!

- Rise up! - Rise up!

- Rise up! - Rise up!

Let us try one more time, friends. Please join me in prayer.

I need to use the toilet.

No, not now.

Dear Saviour and Lord, we ask for a miracle today

to help this child walk.

We ask you to bring life to his fat and useless limbs.

Thank you, Lord, for your kindness this day.

We love you lots and lots and please say a quick hello to the baby Jesus.

Amen!

Amen!

Oh! Oh, good God Almighty!

He walked to the bathroom. It's a miracle!

- Praise be to God! - It's a miracle! Thank you!

Praise to Jesus! Praise be!

- Praise be to the Lord! - Oh, Lord!

He wouldn't let me go to the toilet.

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'In Britain, if children are rude to their parents,

'they are put up for adoption.'

In America, children are generally better behaved.

"...All the baby rabbits went to sleep. The end."

Yeah. I like that story. Again! Again!

Oh, no, Ellie Grace. It's sleepy time.

Good night.

Good night, Mommy.

I love you more than rainbows.

I love you more than...teddy bears.

I love you more than sunshine.

I love you more than chocolate milk.

I love you more than Disneyland.

I love you more than penises.

I love you more...

What? What did you say?

I love you more than penises or, to use the right term, penii.

Ellie Grace! Where did you learn that kind of language?

The big girls in the playground said it.

Well, don't say that word. It's not a nice word.

Sorry, Mommy.

That's OK.

Now, good night, Ellie Grace.

Good night, Mommy.

I love you more than seashells.

I love you more than cookie-dough ice cream.

I love you more than the whole wide world.

I love you more than scrotums!

'It's night-time at this boot camp in Utah.

'A boot camp is a wonderful place for those young criminals

'hoping to graduate to adult prison.'

Come on, girls.

Lights out in five. We've got a ten-mile hike tomorrow.

Somebody's smoking.

Are you smoking?

No.

I just saw you. You know you're not allowed to smoke cigarettes here.

No, but yeah, but no,

but yeah, but no, but yeah, but oh, my God, that is so unfair!

Everybody knows I gave up smoking when I was like nine.

Anyway, if anybody's been breaking the rules, it's Harmony Butler,

because she stole Shanita's eyeliner pencil

and drew a picture on the dormitory wall

of a fat woman with a penis and wrote your name on it.

I'm not saying you're a fat woman with a penis,

I'm just saying what she did.

I don't know what you're talking about, Vicky,

but your cigarette is still lit.

You calling me a liar? You'd better watch out.

The last person to call me a liar was Bethany Ray

and she got stabbed in the arm with a pencil,

but I never done it cos I would so never do that.

Anyone who says I did, I'll stab in the arm with a pencil.

Vicky, there is smoke coming out of your hair.

So what if there is? Stop getting involved.

Oh, my God, this is so unfair.

Everyone picks on me cos they're jealous.

It's not my fault I'm beautiful.

So I look like a thin Jessica Alba. Don't blame me.

Your hair's on fire!

Oh, my God! Is that Shelley Cayman's towel?

Ow! Stop! That is actually my head! Ow!

Are you OK?

Oh, thanks very much(!) Now I look like a lesbian.

'British viewers may be surprised to learn

'that America actually has some almost high-class people.'

our 35th wedding anniversary, don't we, darling?

Isn't it amazing? And our kids are all grown up now.

- They both went to college, didn't they? - One at Harvard, one at Yale.

- Well, of course! - We're so proud of them.

- More champagne? - Oh, thank you.

No, thank you.

Have I met you before?

I, erm...don't think so.

I'm sure I have. Your face is very familiar.

I don't know.

I've definitely seen you someplace before.

I really don't think so.

Darling, I don't think you know the man.

Uh-uh. I never forget a face. Come on, where do I know you from?

I do a lot of hardcore gay porn movies.

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'British receptionist Carol Beer

'has brought her own unique sense of fun in the workplace

'to this hospital in Pennsylvania.'

Good afternoon.

I'm on lunch break till two.

Sorry.

Sorry.

So...

That clock is ten seconds fast.

I had a pretty bad accident this morning.

I was just crossing the road

and I tripped on the kerb and fell flat on my face.

- Rita! - Uh?

- Can we get a tissue? - Uh.

Oh, thank you.

Bit snotty.

Look, I just came from the emergency room

and they told me to come here and get my arm X-rayed.

Computer says no.

Is there a problem?

No appointments today.

- Oh, dear! - I can do you an appointment in March.

Would you prefer morning or afternoon?

Well, I can't wait that long.

My wrist might be fractured, or even broken.

We're all booked up.

You should have really called us before you had your fall.

- How was I supposed to know? - I don't appreciate your tone, madam!

- I'm just trying to help. - Sorry.

Do you suppose you could ask one of the doctors

if he could possibly fit me in at some point?

I could, but...

I'd like to make a complaint. Do you have any complaint forms?

I've run out.

St John's Hospital.

Oh, you'd like to cancel your X-ray.

Dr Chang at five. Thanks for letting us know.

You're in luck.

I found a complaint form.

'A significant proportion of Americans have anuses.

'And those who do often have to use products like this one.'

The market research tells us

is that customers were uncomfortable with the name Anusol.

People with haemorrhoids were embarrassed to ask for it.

They didn't like having it on the shelf at home.

So I've been working with our marketing division here at MBST

to come up with some alternatives.

Ass Ointment. We felt this was a little softer than Anusol.

Itchy Butt Balm is another option we workshopped for a few weeks.

Tush Juice had an excellent approval rating, as did...

...Sore Asshole Relief.

But in the end, I'm pleased to announce we made a decision.

Gentlemen. Thoughts?

'In Britain, there is no crime.

'Someone once had a bit too much to drink and shouted at a policeman,

'but they wrote a letter of apology and all was forgotten.

'In America, however, crime is a way of life.'

OK.

You walk in, nice and easy.

You go to the counter. You fill up the bag with cash.

No-one needs to get hurt. OK?

You got it.

OK.

What have we got?

What's this?

Erm...it's one of those pens on the chains.

I can see what it is. Where's the money?

I got kinda scared, so I just took the pen and ran.

Jesus! Do I have to do everything myself?!

OK.

I can see your point. You get in and you...you get kinda jumpy.

But we'll get something for this. You know, you can't buy these.

This is the White House, home of the American President.

If you were extremely wealthy

and your father or husband was President,

you might like to have a go too.

This has been an historic day, Prime Minister.

It certainly has, Mr President.

This treaty will bring harmony between China and the West.

I do hope so, darling.

I'm sorry. Mr President.

Come in.

Ah, yes.

I've asked my secretary to frame a photo of us all

to commemorate this day.

Oh! Thank you.

It's a shame about her, but it's a nice one of us.

You don't want to keep your jet waiting.

I'll see you next month at the summit.

I've got a present for you.

Oh. What is it?

Close your eyes.

- What are you...? - Ssh!

You can open your eyes now, Mr President.

It's a...diamond necklace.

You look beautiful.

Right.

I wanted to give you a pearl necklace.

Really?

Yeah, well, I thought that one was nicer.

I got you the earrings, too.

- No. - They go with the necklace.

- No, thank you. - Look. They're gorge!

this is ridiculous,would you get the damn thing off?

Mr President, Prime Minister, I just came to say goodbye.

Mr President Prime Minister I just came to say goodbye

- Yes. Goodbye, President Yung. - Yeah. Goodbye, dear.

On behalf of the People's Republic of China I thank you

On behalf of the People's Republic of China I thank you

HE MUTTERS IN CHINESE - They look like a pair of fruits.

Oh, no, don't translate that bit.

Unlike Americans,

British couples rarely divorce,

instead preferring to live out their days in unimaginable misery.

Rain.

Shame, you know. Came all this way.

Still, happy memories, eh?

Forty years ago, we come here on our honeymoon. Think of that.

It rained then.

Oh.

It's 10.30. We could have our lunch now, but probably best to wait.

Do you want the radio on at all, or...?

So...

Oh, got a...a leaflet here amongst all me gubbins.

Local attractions/places of interest.

Oh, they're mostly closed on a Monday.

Yeah. Pencil Museum closed today.

The arts and crafts fair, closed today.

Oh, the Parrot Zoo is open, but you don't like parrots, do you?

Nor birds of any kind. The doctor said you were...

- Ornithophobic. - Ornithophobic. Yeah.

What are the odds?

So...

Tea.

Yeah, a nice cup of tea. Eh?

Nice cup of the hot beverage, tea. There we are.

Just poured the hot tea in your lap. Still nothing?

So...

You've ruined my life.

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'Retirement age in Britain is now 100, whereas old people in America

'are free to enjoy more time with their family.'

Can I help you with those, Grandma?

Eh? Oh, no, I'm just fine.

I made some of them oatmeal and raisin cookies you like.

Thank you, Grandma. I'll have one in a minute.

You know, next time I come and visit you, I may bring a friend.

Oh, sure.

A GIRL-friend?

Erm...no. His name's Stevie,

and he's actually gay.

Oh, gay, is he?

Oh.

We didn't know what gay was when we were young.

- I guess not. - No. Back then, "gay" meant happy.

A man could wake up, turn to his wife and say,

"Honey, I'm feeling gay today."

And he could meet a gay man in a gay bar, buy some gay porn magazines

and have gay sex and there were no homosexual connotations whatsoever.

- Really? - Oh, yeah. These were innocent times.

Me and, erm...you know Edith from the farm?

- Aunt Edith? - That's the one.

We used to get in the bathtub together

and play with each other's mutton flaps.

Didn't mean we were no lesbians.

What about Grandpa? Didn't he mind?

Mind? No, he didn't mind at all.

In fact, every Sunday, we'd get out of church, he'd say to me,

"Mildred, you go and put the dinner on.

"I'm gonna head on down to the men's room at the train station

"and get me some prime keister."

Grandpa said that?!

Sure he did.

He even drilled his own glory hole in the cubicle wall

so he could invite gentlemen to stick their pee-pees through.

And he'd take himself a pee-pee and guide it into his poop-chute.

Well, Grandma. I'm glad we had this little talk.

I've got something to tell you about my friend Stevie.

He's not just my friend.

He's my boyfriend.

I'm gay.

Faggot!

'British weight-loss instructor Marjorie Dawes

'is giving advice to these American pig people.'

Okey-dokey. So...let's have a look here. And...

Oh, not looking good, is it?

- Oh, no. - Oh, dear. Oh.

Oh, you've put on two pounds.

Oh, and I tried so hard this week, Marjorie!

- Oh, it's not easy, is it? - No, it's not.

Oh, dear! And how old are you, my love?

65.

Oh, dear. She's 65, she's obese and...

- There's no husband, is there? - No, he left me at Christmas.

Do you ever think, "What's the point?"

- No! - I would, if I was you.

Do you wanna waddle back to your seat, my love? Thank you, sweetness.

Oh, dear!

OK, who's next?

Yes! Jenny. Jolly Jenny.

Jolly, fat Jenny.

OK. If you want to pop up onto the scales.

Easy, now.

And...let's have a look.

So you were...280 pounds.

You are now... Oh, dear!

- Oh. 275 pounds. - Yes!

Five pounds.

- Wow! - Yeah.

- That's a lot to lose in a week. - It sure is, Marjorie.

Well, you must have really been following the Fatfighter diet.

Actually, I've been coming here for years

and I've never lost any weight before.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

So my doctor advised me to get the gastric band fitted,

and the weight has just been DROPPING off.

You cheated.

Well, the doctor told me to have it fitted.

You cheated, Jenny. You're a cheat.

- I don't see how that's cheating. - Back to your seat, please.

You know, I try really hard here at Fatfighters.

Week in, week out. I'm here, not just as a course leader,

but also as a friend.

No, more than a friend. A lover.

I try to help you .And what do you do, Jenny?

You turn round and slap me in the face!

She's just trying to lose weight.

In English, please, if you are going to chip in.

Jenny, you've let me down, you've let the group down,

but most of all, Jenny, you've let yourself down.

Well, I'm sorry, Marjorie.

The doctor said I should have it done.

There's nothing I can do about it now.

- Well, you can have it taken out. - It's not as easy as that.

Well, how hard can it be?

Well, it's surgery. I mean, you know...

- You gotta make an appointment... - Hold still.

What? Aargh!

It must be in here somewhere.

You can have that back at the end.

OK. So...who's next for the weigh-in?

'Meanwhile, a concert is taking place

'by the lead singer of popular British band The Cops.'

That's right - it's Stonk.

Thanks, everyone.

For this next song, I normally invite a young lady to be with me on stage.

- Would anybody like that today? - Oh, me, me! I'm a lady!

Yes, you.

Hello...hello, sir.

Madam.

It's Emily - Emily Howard.

Emily. And where are you from, Emily?

The olden days. From Britain, like yourself.

But I'm staying here at Le Marriott.

Room 442. Knock three times and I'll know it's you.

OK. And what do you do, Emily?

- I'm a lady. I do ladies' things. - Like what?

Well, I bathe in rose petals. I skip through meadows. I play the harp.

That sort of bollocks.

- Do you know this song? - Oh, yes.

May I just say, I've been a fan of yours

ever since I was a little boy.

A little girl! Girl, yes.

I'm definitely a girl. I don't have male genitalia.

I'm sure you don't.

* You'll remember me

* When the west wind moves

* Upon the fields of barley

* You'll forget the sun

* In his jealous sky As we walk in fields of gold

* So I took my love for to gaze awhile

* Among the fields of barley

* In your arms I fell

* As me 'air came down

* As we walked through fields of gold

* Will you stay with me? Will you be my love?

* Among the fields of barley

* Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth

* Among the fields of gold. *

Right. Thank you. Thanks, everybody.

Thank you! Thank you so much.

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you, Sting...

Thank you, Emily.

Erm...thank you.

* See the west wind move... *

'And so our bicultural examination is over for another week.

'If you have been watching this evening's programme in Britain,

'it's time for you to finish your cocoa and retire for the evening.

'If you have been watching in America,

'put your Uzi back in the drawer,

'take one last hit from the crack pipe

'and then straight to bed, please. Goodbye.'

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