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1
00:00:00,710 --> 00:00:05,930
Britain and America - two great
nations standing side by side.
2
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:11,340
We've been allies, we've been
friends, we've been lovers.
3
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,430
Britain was even going
to get married to America,
4
00:00:14,540 --> 00:00:17,080
but then it discovered
America was gay
5
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,760
and secretly having it off
with Brazil.
6
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:23,230
But what about the people
of our two countries?
7
00:00:23,450 --> 00:00:28,250
What do we share,
apart from a paranoid distrust of all things foreign?
8
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:35,500
Come with me as we finding out
in Little Britain USA.
9
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:42,110
One thing that's very popular
with both the British and the Americans
10
00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:47,120
People love the feelings
of melancholy and insignificance that it provides.
11
00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:52,650
This church in Mississippi
is playing host to British tourists, Lou and Andy.
12
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,320
- I don't wanna go to church.
- I thought you liked going to church.
13
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,160
I'd rather watch Dukes Of Hazzard.
14
00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:02,120
I've been praying and praying for
a miracle, and this might be the day.
15
00:01:07,790 --> 00:01:12,480
* ...In the blood of the Lamb... *
16
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:14,690
* Flintstones, meet the Flintstones
17
00:01:14,850 --> 00:01:17,650
* They're the modern Stone Age family
18
00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:19,900
* From the town of Bedrock
19
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,420
* They're a page right out of history
Let's ride
20
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:26,460
* With the family down the street
21
00:01:26,580 --> 00:01:28,660
* From the...
da-da-da-da-da-da-da... *
22
00:01:28,770 --> 00:01:31,620
Praise be to Jesus!
23
00:01:31,810 --> 00:01:35,810
- Praise Jesus Christ!
- I need to use the toilet.
24
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,830
- I'll take you in a minute.
- Wanna go now.
25
00:01:38,630 --> 00:01:40,370
And now, dear friends,
26
00:01:40,490 --> 00:01:42,410
it's time for me to invite
27
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:47,850
any of you good folk who are sick
and lame up to the altar for healing.
28
00:01:48,130 --> 00:01:50,630
Who would like to be first?
29
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:53,820
How about you, poor, legless child?
30
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:55,790
Er...no, thanks.
31
00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:58,000
Oh, yes, please, Pastor.
32
00:01:58,130 --> 00:02:00,100
Could you help me, please, friends?
33
00:02:00,270 --> 00:02:02,130
Just get him up on the stage.
34
00:02:02,270 --> 00:02:03,950
Bit of a kerfuffle.
35
00:02:04,110 --> 00:02:08,640
Thank you, thank you, members of
the Christian brotherhood. Thank you.
36
00:02:09,140 --> 00:02:10,240
Pastor.
37
00:02:11,390 --> 00:02:13,150
What is your name, son?
38
00:02:13,380 --> 00:02:15,260
Andy Pipkin.
39
00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:18,820
And you've no feeling
in your legs whatsoever?
40
00:02:18,980 --> 00:02:20,160
No.
41
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:28,200
???
42
00:02:30,790 --> 00:02:36,230
Jesus Christ, have pity on
this mongoloid boy and make him walk!
43
00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:37,980
Make him walk!
44
00:02:39,190 --> 00:02:43,230
- Rise up!
- Rise up!
45
00:02:45,780 --> 00:02:48,820
- Rise up!
- Rise up!
46
00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:56,810
Let us try one more time, friends.
Please join me in prayer.
47
00:02:57,709 --> 00:02:59,722
I need to use the toilet.
48
00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:01,520
No, not now.
49
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,060
Dear Saviour and Lord,
we ask for a miracle today
50
00:03:05,170 --> 00:03:06,310
to help this child walk.
51
00:03:06,550 --> 00:03:11,050
We ask you to bring life
to his fat and useless limbs.
52
00:03:11,210 --> 00:03:13,850
Thank you, Lord,
for your kindness this day.
53
00:03:14,050 --> 00:03:19,770
We love you lots and lots and please
say a quick hello to the baby Jesus.
54
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,165
Amen!
55
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,220
Amen!
56
00:03:30,650 --> 00:03:34,350
Oh! Oh, good God Almighty!
57
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,000
He walked to the bathroom.
It's a miracle!
58
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,920
- Praise be to God!
- It's a miracle! Thank you!
59
00:03:42,070 --> 00:03:46,760
Praise to Jesus! Praise be!
60
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,910
- Praise be to the Lord!
- Oh, Lord!
61
00:04:12,850 --> 00:04:15,284
He wouldn't let me go to the toilet.
62
00:04:16,050 --> 00:04:19,585
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63
00:04:21,086 --> 00:04:24,552
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64
00:04:24,670 --> 00:04:27,880
'In Britain, if children
are rude to their parents,
65
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:29,600
'they are put up for adoption.'
66
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,980
In America, children
are generally better behaved.
67
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,650
"...All the baby rabbits
went to sleep. The end."
68
00:04:36,730 --> 00:04:39,350
Yeah. I like that story.
Again! Again!
69
00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:41,860
Oh, no, Ellie Grace.
It's sleepy time.
70
00:04:42,340 --> 00:04:43,280
Good night.
71
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:45,950
Good night, Mommy.
72
00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,480
I love you more than rainbows.
73
00:04:48,860 --> 00:04:51,790
I love you more than...teddy bears.
74
00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:53,850
I love you more than sunshine.
75
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,570
I love you more than chocolate milk.
76
00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:58,780
I love you more than Disneyland.
77
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,690
I love you more than penises.
78
00:05:02,050 --> 00:05:03,760
I love you more...
79
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,080
What? What did you say?
80
00:05:06,270 --> 00:05:10,610
I love you more than penises or,
to use the right term, penii.
81
00:05:10,730 --> 00:05:14,780
Ellie Grace! Where did you learn
that kind of language?
82
00:05:14,990 --> 00:05:16,930
The big girls in the playground
said it.
83
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:19,490
Well, don't say that word.
It's not a nice word.
84
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:21,850
Sorry, Mommy.
85
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,790
That's OK.
86
00:05:24,270 --> 00:05:26,540
Now, good night, Ellie Grace.
87
00:05:27,730 --> 00:05:29,150
Good night, Mommy.
88
00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:31,430
I love you more than seashells.
89
00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:34,420
I love you more
than cookie-dough ice cream.
90
00:05:34,770 --> 00:05:37,730
I love you more than
the whole wide world.
91
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,880
I love you more
than scrotums!
92
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,390
'It's night-time
at this boot camp in Utah.
93
00:05:51,630 --> 00:05:54,990
'A boot camp is a wonderful place
for those young criminals
94
00:05:55,210 --> 00:05:57,730
'hoping to graduate to adult prison.'
95
00:05:57,900 --> 00:05:59,260
Come on, girls.
96
00:05:59,470 --> 00:06:03,410
Lights out in five.
We've got a ten-mile hike tomorrow.
97
00:06:05,430 --> 00:06:07,370
Somebody's smoking.
98
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,490
Are you smoking?
99
00:06:15,850 --> 00:06:17,139
No.
100
00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:21,818
I just saw you. You know you're not
allowed to smoke cigarettes here.
101
00:06:21,818 --> 00:06:24,364
No, but yeah, but no,
102
00:06:24,364 --> 00:06:28,485
but yeah, but no, but yeah,
but oh, my God, that is so unfair!
103
00:06:28,485 --> 00:06:31,090
Everybody knows I gave up smoking
when I was like nine.
104
00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:33,470
Anyway, if anybody's been breaking
the rules, it's Harmony Butler,
105
00:06:33,470 --> 00:06:35,720
because she stole Shanita's
eyeliner pencil
106
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,380
and drew a picture
on the dormitory wall
107
00:06:37,380 --> 00:06:39,750
of a fat woman with a penis
and wrote your name on it.
108
00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:41,430
I'm not saying you're a fat woman
with a penis,
109
00:06:41,430 --> 00:06:42,554
I'm just saying what she did.
110
00:06:43,010 --> 00:06:45,090
I don't know what you're talking
about, Vicky,
111
00:06:45,220 --> 00:06:46,890
but your cigarette is still lit.
112
00:06:46,890 --> 00:06:48,940
You calling me a liar?
You'd better watch out.
113
00:06:48,940 --> 00:06:51,240
The last person to call me a liar
was Bethany Ray
114
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,300
and she got stabbed in the arm
with a pencil,
115
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:55,570
but I never done it
cos I would so never do that.
116
00:06:55,570 --> 00:06:58,160
Anyone who says I did,
I'll stab in the arm with a pencil.
117
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:01,040
Vicky, there is smoke
coming out of your hair.
118
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,750
So what if there is?
Stop getting involved.
119
00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:04,520
Oh, my God, this is so unfair.
120
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,830
Everyone picks on me
cos they're jealous.
121
00:07:06,830 --> 00:07:08,080
It's not my fault I'm beautiful.
122
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,330
So I look like a thin Jessica Alba.
Don't blame me.
123
00:07:11,090 --> 00:07:12,470
Your hair's on fire!
124
00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:14,920
Oh, my God!
Is that Shelley Cayman's towel?
125
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,690
Ow! Stop!
That is actually my head! Ow!
126
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:22,780
Are you OK?
127
00:07:24,290 --> 00:07:27,200
Oh, thanks very much(!)
Now I look like a lesbian.
128
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,620
'British viewers
may be surprised to learn
129
00:07:34,780 --> 00:07:38,300
'that America actually has
some almost high-class people.'
130
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,650
our 35th wedding anniversary,
don't we, darling?
131
00:07:43,650 --> 00:07:46,860
Isn't it amazing?
And our kids are all grown up now.
132
00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:50,470
- They both went to college,
didn't they? - One at Harvard, one at Yale.
133
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,280
- Well, of course!
- We're so proud of them.
134
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,040
- More champagne?
- Oh, thank you.
135
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,300
No, thank you.
136
00:07:56,670 --> 00:07:58,350
Have I met you before?
137
00:07:58,610 --> 00:08:01,310
I, erm...don't think so.
138
00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,910
I'm sure I have.
Your face is very familiar.
139
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,330
I don't know.
140
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,100
I've definitely seen you
someplace before.
141
00:08:09,290 --> 00:08:11,320
I really don't think so.
142
00:08:11,510 --> 00:08:13,160
Darling, I don't think
you know the man.
143
00:08:13,270 --> 00:08:17,040
Uh-uh. I never forget a face.
Come on, where do I know you from?
144
00:08:18,650 --> 00:08:21,769
I do a lot
of hardcore gay porn movies.
145
00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:30,525
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146
00:08:33,530 --> 00:08:35,980
'British receptionist Carol Beer
147
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,450
'has brought her own unique
sense of fun in the workplace
148
00:08:39,610 --> 00:08:41,630
'to this hospital in Pennsylvania.'
149
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:47,320
Good afternoon.
150
00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:49,270
I'm on lunch break till two.
151
00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:50,450
Sorry.
152
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:52,790
Sorry.
153
00:08:58,800 --> 00:08:59,380
So...
154
00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:02,280
That clock is ten seconds fast.
155
00:09:11,390 --> 00:09:13,970
I had a pretty bad accident
this morning.
156
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,800
I was just crossing the road
157
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:24,490
and I tripped on the kerb
and fell flat on my face.
158
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,310
- Rita!
- Uh?
159
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,260
- Can we get a tissue?
- Uh.
160
00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:32,530
Oh, thank you.
161
00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:47,550
Bit snotty.
162
00:09:50,140 --> 00:09:52,840
Look, I just came
from the emergency room
163
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:55,680
and they told me to come here
and get my arm X-rayed.
164
00:09:57,710 --> 00:09:59,710
Computer says no.
165
00:10:01,170 --> 00:10:02,240
Is there a problem?
166
00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:03,790
No appointments today.
167
00:10:03,950 --> 00:10:07,040
- Oh, dear!
- I can do you an appointment in March.
168
00:10:07,180 --> 00:10:09,310
Would you prefer
morning or afternoon?
169
00:10:09,730 --> 00:10:11,940
Well, I can't wait that long.
170
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,140
My wrist might be fractured,
or even broken.
171
00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:16,790
We're all booked up.
172
00:10:16,830 --> 00:10:19,380
You should have really called us
before you had your fall.
173
00:10:20,710 --> 00:10:23,900
- How was I supposed to know?
- I don't appreciate your tone, madam!
174
00:10:23,900 --> 00:10:27,150
- I'm just trying to help.
- Sorry.
175
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:33,900
Do you suppose you could ask
one of the doctors
176
00:10:33,970 --> 00:10:37,010
if he could possibly fit me in
at some point?
177
00:10:37,140 --> 00:10:39,200
I could, but...
178
00:10:42,930 --> 00:10:46,750
I'd like to make a complaint.
Do you have any complaint forms?
179
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,160
I've run out.
180
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,770
St John's Hospital.
181
00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:59,330
Oh, you'd like to cancel your X-ray.
182
00:10:59,620 --> 00:11:02,450
Dr Chang at five.
Thanks for letting us know.
183
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,580
You're in luck.
184
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,050
I found a complaint form.
185
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,220
'A significant proportion
of Americans have anuses.
186
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:19,120
'And those who do often have to use
products like this one.'
187
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:20,340
The market research tells us
188
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:24,070
is that customers were
uncomfortable with the name Anusol.
189
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,370
People with haemorrhoids
were embarrassed to ask for it.
190
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,320
They didn't like having it
on the shelf at home.
191
00:11:28,450 --> 00:11:31,780
So I've been working with
our marketing division here at MBST
192
00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:33,670
to come up with some alternatives.
193
00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:41,210
Ass Ointment. We felt this was
a little softer than Anusol.
194
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:48,300
Itchy Butt Balm is another option
we workshopped for a few weeks.
195
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:56,130
Tush Juice had an excellent
approval rating, as did...
196
00:11:57,330 --> 00:11:59,360
...Sore Asshole Relief.
197
00:11:59,620 --> 00:12:03,750
But in the end, I'm pleased to
announce we made a decision.
198
00:12:07,540 --> 00:12:10,070
Gentlemen. Thoughts?
199
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,520
'In Britain, there is no crime.
200
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:17,050
'Someone once had a bit too much to
drink and shouted at a policeman,
201
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,920
'but they wrote a letter of apology
and all was forgotten.
202
00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:23,440
'In America, however,
crime is a way of life.'
203
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:24,640
OK.
204
00:12:24,810 --> 00:12:27,390
You walk in, nice and easy.
205
00:12:27,490 --> 00:12:31,010
You go to the counter.
You fill up the bag with cash.
206
00:12:31,170 --> 00:12:33,550
No-one needs to get hurt. OK?
207
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:35,120
You got it.
208
00:13:33,350 --> 00:13:34,550
OK.
209
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,700
What have we got?
210
00:13:41,490 --> 00:13:43,140
What's this?
211
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:46,560
Erm...it's one of those pens
on the chains.
212
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,280
I can see what it is.
Where's the money?
213
00:13:49,210 --> 00:13:51,920
I got kinda scared,
so I just took the pen and ran.
214
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:55,080
Jesus! Do I have
to do everything myself?!
215
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,000
OK.
216
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:40,190
I can see your point. You get in
and you...you get kinda jumpy.
217
00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:43,320
But we'll get something for this.
You know, you can't buy these.
218
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:52,200
This is the White House,
home of the American President.
219
00:14:52,390 --> 00:14:53,910
If you were extremely wealthy
220
00:14:54,130 --> 00:14:56,390
and your father or husband
was President,
221
00:14:56,610 --> 00:14:58,690
you might like to have a go too.
222
00:15:00,210 --> 00:15:02,600
This has been an historic day,
Prime Minister.
223
00:15:02,630 --> 00:15:04,340
It certainly has, Mr President.
224
00:15:04,390 --> 00:15:07,750
This treaty will bring harmony
between China and the West.
225
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:09,060
I do hope so, darling.
226
00:15:09,190 --> 00:15:10,680
I'm sorry. Mr President.
227
00:15:12,450 --> 00:15:13,590
Come in.
228
00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:15,510
Ah, yes.
229
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,050
I've asked my secretary
to frame a photo of us all
230
00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:19,920
to commemorate this day.
231
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,300
Oh! Thank you.
232
00:15:28,170 --> 00:15:31,030
It's a shame about her,
but it's a nice one of us.
233
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,610
You don't want
to keep your jet waiting.
234
00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:36,260
I'll see you next month
at the summit.
235
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,960
I've got a present for you.
236
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:41,800
Oh. What is it?
237
00:15:42,210 --> 00:15:43,560
Close your eyes.
238
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,330
- What are you...?
- Ssh!
239
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,470
You can open your eyes now,
Mr President.
240
00:16:07,380 --> 00:16:09,470
It's a...diamond necklace.
241
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,150
You look beautiful.
242
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:14,580
Right.
243
00:16:14,830 --> 00:16:16,720
I wanted to give you
a pearl necklace.
244
00:16:16,830 --> 00:16:17,860
Really?
245
00:16:18,130 --> 00:16:21,020
Yeah, well, I thought
that one was nicer.
246
00:16:21,250 --> 00:16:23,310
I got you the earrings, too.
247
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,920
- No.
- They go with the necklace.
248
00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:28,260
- No, thank you.
- Look. They're gorge!
249
00:16:28,844 --> 00:16:31,332
this is ridiculous,would you get the damn thing off?
250
00:16:34,797 --> 00:16:39,029
Mr President, Prime Minister,
I just came to say goodbye.
251
00:16:39,029 --> 00:16:42,174
Mr President Prime Minister
I just came to say goodbye
252
00:16:42,174 --> 00:16:45,767
- Yes. Goodbye, President Yung.
- Yeah. Goodbye, dear.
253
00:16:45,767 --> 00:16:48,881
On behalf of the People's Republic
of China I thank you
254
00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:52,558
On behalf of the People's Republic
of China I thank you
255
00:16:52,558 --> 00:16:56,972
HE MUTTERS IN CHINESE
- They look like a pair of fruits.
256
00:16:58,330 --> 00:17:01,620
Oh, no, don't translate that bit.
257
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,280
Unlike Americans,
258
00:17:07,470 --> 00:17:09,690
British couples rarely divorce,
259
00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:13,830
instead preferring to live out
their days in unimaginable misery.
260
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,140
Rain.
261
00:17:18,510 --> 00:17:21,720
Shame, you know. Came all this way.
262
00:17:22,130 --> 00:17:24,760
Still, happy memories, eh?
263
00:17:25,060 --> 00:17:28,730
Forty years ago, we come here
on our honeymoon. Think of that.
264
00:17:30,420 --> 00:17:31,830
It rained then.
265
00:17:32,770 --> 00:17:34,310
Oh.
266
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:40,900
It's 10.30. We could have our lunch
now, but probably best to wait.
267
00:17:42,550 --> 00:17:45,380
Do you want the radio on at all,
or...?
268
00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:50,690
So...
269
00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:55,040
Oh, got a...a leaflet here
amongst all me gubbins.
270
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,390
Local attractions/places of interest.
271
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:01,060
Oh, they're mostly closed
on a Monday.
272
00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:04,910
Yeah. Pencil Museum closed today.
273
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,200
The arts and crafts fair,
closed today.
274
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:13,240
Oh, the Parrot Zoo is open,
but you don't like parrots, do you?
275
00:18:13,580 --> 00:18:17,130
Nor birds of any kind.
The doctor said you were...
276
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,340
- Ornithophobic.
- Ornithophobic. Yeah.
277
00:18:20,950 --> 00:18:22,260
What are the odds?
278
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,440
So...
279
00:18:26,970 --> 00:18:28,630
Tea.
280
00:18:29,460 --> 00:18:31,900
Yeah, a nice cup of tea. Eh?
281
00:18:32,130 --> 00:18:35,320
Nice cup of the hot beverage, tea.
There we are.
282
00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:46,460
Just poured the hot tea in your lap.
Still nothing?
283
00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:50,960
So...
284
00:18:54,430 --> 00:18:56,130
You've ruined my life.
285
00:18:57,410 --> 00:18:59,633
������Ӣ�����Ʒ
-==http://www.ragbear.com==-
286
00:19:00,090 --> 00:19:05,060
'Retirement age in Britain is now
100, whereas old people in America
287
00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:08,490
'are free to enjoy more time
with their family.'
288
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,130
Can I help you with those, Grandma?
289
00:19:10,330 --> 00:19:13,180
Eh? Oh, no, I'm just fine.
290
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,500
I made some of them
oatmeal and raisin cookies you like.
291
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,800
Thank you, Grandma.
I'll have one in a minute.
292
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:24,750
You know, next time I come
and visit you, I may bring a friend.
293
00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:26,260
Oh, sure.
294
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,480
A GIRL-friend?
295
00:19:28,770 --> 00:19:31,730
Erm...no. His name's Stevie,
296
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,650
and he's actually gay.
297
00:19:35,490 --> 00:19:37,480
Oh, gay, is he?
298
00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:39,270
Oh.
299
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,390
We didn't know what gay was
when we were young.
300
00:19:42,610 --> 00:19:46,200
- I guess not.
- No. Back then, "gay" meant happy.
301
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,850
A man could wake up,
turn to his wife and say,
302
00:19:48,930 --> 00:19:51,480
"Honey, I'm feeling gay today."
303
00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:55,510
And he could meet a gay man in a
gay bar, buy some gay porn magazines
304
00:19:55,600 --> 00:20:00,230
and have gay sex and there were no
homosexual connotations whatsoever.
305
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:02,950
- Really?
- Oh, yeah. These were innocent times.
306
00:20:03,170 --> 00:20:05,960
Me and, erm...you know Edith
from the farm?
307
00:20:06,230 --> 00:20:07,680
- Aunt Edith?
- That's the one.
308
00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:09,880
We used to get
in the bathtub together
309
00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:11,560
and play with each other's
mutton flaps.
310
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,480
Didn't mean we were no lesbians.
311
00:20:13,990 --> 00:20:16,420
What about Grandpa? Didn't he mind?
312
00:20:16,570 --> 00:20:18,790
Mind? No, he didn't mind at all.
313
00:20:18,890 --> 00:20:21,740
In fact, every Sunday, we'd get
out of church, he'd say to me,
314
00:20:21,830 --> 00:20:23,650
"Mildred, you go
and put the dinner on.
315
00:20:23,850 --> 00:20:26,690
"I'm gonna head on down to
the men's room at the train station
316
00:20:26,770 --> 00:20:28,470
"and get me some prime keister."
317
00:20:29,490 --> 00:20:30,900
Grandpa said that?!
318
00:20:31,110 --> 00:20:32,230
Sure he did.
319
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,530
He even drilled his own glory hole
in the cubicle wall
320
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,600
so he could invite gentlemen
to stick their pee-pees through.
321
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:43,430
And he'd take himself a pee-pee
and guide it into his poop-chute.
322
00:20:44,690 --> 00:20:47,490
Well, Grandma.
I'm glad we had this little talk.
323
00:20:48,450 --> 00:20:50,690
I've got something to tell you
about my friend Stevie.
324
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:52,630
He's not just my friend.
325
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,260
He's my boyfriend.
326
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:56,580
I'm gay.
327
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,410
Faggot!
328
00:21:01,690 --> 00:21:04,460
'British weight-loss instructor
Marjorie Dawes
329
00:21:04,590 --> 00:21:07,390
'is giving advice
to these American pig people.'
330
00:21:07,510 --> 00:21:11,910
Okey-dokey.
So...let's have a look here. And...
331
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,500
Oh, not looking good, is it?
332
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,120
- Oh, no.
- Oh, dear. Oh.
333
00:21:16,450 --> 00:21:18,580
Oh, you've put on two pounds.
334
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,650
Oh, and I tried so hard this week,
Marjorie!
335
00:21:21,750 --> 00:21:24,400
- Oh, it's not easy, is it?
- No, it's not.
336
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,660
Oh, dear! And how old are you,
my love?
337
00:21:26,820 --> 00:21:27,830
65.
338
00:21:27,940 --> 00:21:31,220
Oh, dear. She's 65,
she's obese and...
339
00:21:31,310 --> 00:21:34,390
- There's no husband, is there?
- No, he left me at Christmas.
340
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,290
Do you ever think,
"What's the point?"
341
00:21:37,490 --> 00:21:39,640
- No!
- I would, if I was you.
342
00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:43,300
Do you wanna waddle back to your
seat, my love? Thank you, sweetness.
343
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,670
Oh, dear!
344
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,890
OK, who's next?
345
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,860
Yes! Jenny. Jolly Jenny.
346
00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:56,050
Jolly, fat Jenny.
347
00:21:56,310 --> 00:21:59,670
OK. If you want to pop up
onto the scales.
348
00:21:59,730 --> 00:22:00,650
Easy, now.
349
00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:02,600
And...let's have a look.
350
00:22:02,710 --> 00:22:06,840
So you were...280 pounds.
351
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:10,640
You are now... Oh, dear!
352
00:22:10,890 --> 00:22:15,380
- Oh. 275 pounds.
- Yes!
353
00:22:19,130 --> 00:22:20,350
Five pounds.
354
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,270
- Wow!
- Yeah.
355
00:22:22,530 --> 00:22:25,760
- That's a lot to lose in a week.
- It sure is, Marjorie.
356
00:22:25,950 --> 00:22:29,100
Well, you must have really been
following the Fatfighter diet.
357
00:22:29,420 --> 00:22:31,500
Actually, I've been coming here
for years
358
00:22:31,630 --> 00:22:33,640
and I've never lost
any weight before.
359
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,300
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
360
00:22:36,450 --> 00:22:39,710
So my doctor advised me
to get the gastric band fitted,
361
00:22:39,850 --> 00:22:42,720
and the weight
has just been DROPPING off.
362
00:22:50,380 --> 00:22:51,530
You cheated.
363
00:22:51,790 --> 00:22:55,400
Well, the doctor told me
to have it fitted.
364
00:22:55,580 --> 00:22:57,680
You cheated, Jenny. You're a cheat.
365
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,510
- I don't see how that's cheating.
- Back to your seat, please.
366
00:23:05,660 --> 00:23:10,170
You know, I try really hard
here at Fatfighters.
367
00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:14,510
Week in, week out. I'm here,
not just as a course leader,
368
00:23:14,750 --> 00:23:16,750
but also as a friend.
369
00:23:16,910 --> 00:23:19,130
No, more than a friend. A lover.
370
00:23:19,330 --> 00:23:23,770
I try to help you .And what do you do, Jenny?
371
00:23:24,010 --> 00:23:26,990
You turn round
and slap me in the face!
372
00:23:27,630 --> 00:23:30,600
She's just trying to lose weight.
373
00:23:30,780 --> 00:23:33,550
In English, please,
if you are going to chip in.
374
00:23:33,790 --> 00:23:36,750
Jenny, you've let me down,
you've let the group down,
375
00:23:36,890 --> 00:23:39,380
but most of all, Jenny,
you've let yourself down.
376
00:23:39,550 --> 00:23:41,820
Well, I'm sorry, Marjorie.
377
00:23:41,930 --> 00:23:43,940
The doctor said
I should have it done.
378
00:23:43,940 --> 00:23:46,050
There's nothing
I can do about it now.
379
00:23:46,290 --> 00:23:49,640
- Well, you can have it taken out.
- It's not as easy as that.
380
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,920
Well, how hard can it be?
381
00:23:52,150 --> 00:23:54,660
Well, it's surgery. I mean,
you know...
382
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,410
- You gotta make an appointment...
- Hold still.
383
00:23:57,410 --> 00:23:59,320
What? Aargh!
384
00:24:01,010 --> 00:24:02,960
It must be in here somewhere.
385
00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:19,110
You can have that back at the end.
386
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,770
OK. So...who's next for the weigh-in?
387
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,610
'Meanwhile, a concert is taking place
388
00:24:26,740 --> 00:24:30,130
'by the lead singer
of popular British band The Cops.'
389
00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:32,500
That's right - it's Stonk.
390
00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:38,430
Thanks, everyone.
391
00:24:38,770 --> 00:24:43,360
For this next song, I normally invite
a young lady to be with me on stage.
392
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:47,220
- Would anybody like that today?
- Oh, me, me! I'm a lady!
393
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,440
Yes, you.
394
00:24:52,670 --> 00:24:54,350
Hello...hello, sir.
395
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:55,890
Madam.
396
00:24:56,020 --> 00:24:57,730
It's Emily - Emily Howard.
397
00:24:57,910 --> 00:24:59,790
Emily. And where are you from, Emily?
398
00:24:59,940 --> 00:25:03,660
The olden days.
From Britain, like yourself.
399
00:25:03,780 --> 00:25:05,790
But I'm staying here at Le Marriott.
400
00:25:05,970 --> 00:25:09,730
Room 442. Knock three times
and I'll know it's you.
401
00:25:10,030 --> 00:25:12,171
OK. And what do you do, Emily?
402
00:25:12,171 --> 00:25:15,970
- I'm a lady. I do ladies' things.
- Like what?
403
00:25:16,180 --> 00:25:20,830
Well, I bathe in rose petals. I skip
through meadows. I play the harp.
404
00:25:21,020 --> 00:25:22,900
That sort of bollocks.
405
00:25:24,030 --> 00:25:26,300
- Do you know this song?
- Oh, yes.
406
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,370
May I just say,
I've been a fan of yours
407
00:25:28,450 --> 00:25:30,260
ever since I was a little boy.
408
00:25:30,380 --> 00:25:32,030
A little girl! Girl, yes.
409
00:25:32,180 --> 00:25:35,520
I'm definitely a girl.
I don't have male genitalia.
410
00:25:37,630 --> 00:25:38,740
I'm sure you don't.
411
00:25:39,650 --> 00:25:41,750
* You'll remember me
412
00:25:41,890 --> 00:25:43,680
* When the west wind moves
413
00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:47,410
* Upon the fields of barley
414
00:25:47,660 --> 00:25:49,390
* You'll forget the sun
415
00:25:49,650 --> 00:25:55,250
* In his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold
416
00:25:55,460 --> 00:25:59,660
* So I took my love
for to gaze awhile
417
00:26:00,050 --> 00:26:03,460
* Among the fields
of barley
418
00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:05,350
* In your arms I fell
419
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,540
* As me 'air came down
420
00:26:07,710 --> 00:26:10,960
* As we walked through fields of gold
421
00:26:11,620 --> 00:26:15,230
* Will you stay with me?
Will you be my love?
422
00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:18,750
* Among the fields of barley
423
00:26:18,980 --> 00:26:23,280
* Feel her body rise
when you kiss her mouth
424
00:26:23,470 --> 00:26:26,540
* Among the fields of gold. *
425
00:26:26,670 --> 00:26:29,569
Right. Thank you.
Thanks, everybody.
426
00:26:29,570 --> 00:26:30,710
Thank you! Thank you so much.
427
00:26:30,970 --> 00:26:32,780
Thank you! Thank you!
428
00:26:33,020 --> 00:26:34,460
Thank you, Sting...
429
00:26:45,660 --> 00:26:47,530
Thank you, Emily.
430
00:26:47,790 --> 00:26:49,030
Erm...thank you.
431
00:26:49,830 --> 00:26:51,800
* See the west wind move... *
432
00:26:51,930 --> 00:26:55,630
'And so our bicultural examination
is over for another week.
433
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:59,150
'If you have been watching
this evening's programme in Britain,
434
00:26:59,390 --> 00:27:02,860
'it's time for you to finish your
cocoa and retire for the evening.
435
00:27:03,070 --> 00:27:05,200
'If you have been watching
in America,
436
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,370
'put your Uzi back in the drawer,
437
00:27:07,420 --> 00:27:09,430
'take one last hit
from the crack pipe
438
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:14,360
'and then straight to bed, please.
Goodbye.'
439
00:27:16,770 --> 00:27:23,878
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-==http://www.ragbear.com==- ��ӭ����
440
00:27:23,928 --> 00:27:28,478
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