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(Orchestra tunes up)

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(Drum roll)

(Applause)

(Tom Baker) Britainl Britainl Britainl

The best goddarn, cotton-pickin', rootin'-tootin'...

- No, no, please, no! - (Cheering)

Please, please!

Please! Please!

Please, no!

Come on, now, please.

I'm sorry to interrupt the show.

But I just lost my friend.

I was picking up the tickets in the box office and I turned round and he'd gone.

Oh, it's a right kerfuffle.

His name's Andy, Andy Pipkin.

Um, how can I describe him?

Glasses, brown hair. Not conventionally attractive.

Often seen eating from a large bag of crisps.

- Anyone seen him? - (Audience) No!

I'm worried sick. I'm on pills anyway.

If you see him, let me know cos he's probably crawling along on the ground.

He doesn't have the use of anything below the waist.

- The legs just sort of flap about if anything. - (Cheering)

It's a very sad state of affairs.

You'd say if you could see him, wouldn't you?

- What's that? Where is he? - (Audience) Behind you!

Behind me? He's not here.

People of Blackpool, playing tricks on my mind.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

This is a man in a wheelchair we're talking about. It's not a laughing matter.

- Oh, Andy, where are you? - Right here.

Oh! There you are. I was worried sick.

Yeah, I know.

I'm actually quite surprised you agreed to come here to Blackpool tonight.

- Why's that? - You always said you hated Blackpool.

(Light jeering)

You always said it was nothing more than a pus-ridden carbuncle.

- That it ought to be bulldozed over. - No, I never.

You did, and you went on to say that the people who lived here

are, in a word, scum.

Maybe we should move on.

So, you looking forward to the show?

Yeah. Is it Monster Trucks?

No, I did say in the van on the way here.

This is Little Britain Live.

Who?

You know, the one where they're always dressing up as women and acting gay.

- I don't like it. - Well, it's just about to start.

Did you remember to do toilet before we came out tonight?

- Yeah. - What was it? Numbers ones or twos?

One and a half.

Right, well, let's find our seats.

- Hey, do your impression. - They don't want to see my impression.

- It's brilliant. Do it, do it, do it! - They don't want to see it.

Impression! Impression! Impression!

- Impression! - All right, all right.

- Impression! - All right...

(Lou's normal voice) Hello, Rodney and Uncle Albert.

This is Del Boy here from Only The Fools And The Horses.

Lovely jubbly, you plonker.

- Next bit? - This time next year.

This time next year, we will be very rich millionaires.

Finished.

(Applause)

That was crap.

- I never said it was good. - Why did you do it?

- You told me to. - You've humiliated yourself.

- Yeah, I know. - In front of that one, that one...

- that one, that one... - Thank you. Come on, let's find our seats.

- Want sweets. - It's just about to start.

- Want sweets, though. - No, there isn't time.

We are Z101 and Z102, restricted view.

We've got A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, j...

All the way up there. I think I'm going to have to carry you up.

Like when we went to see Balamory Live.

Yes, that is gonna be quite a kerfuffle getting you up there.

And quite a kerfuffle getting you down.

We should have the St john's Ambulance on standby, that would be the wisest thing.

Righty-ho, no time like the old present.

- Oh, you've got some sweets. - Yeah, I know.

- Cheerio! - (Cheering)

Britainl Britainl Britainl

The best goddarn, cotton-pickin', rootin'-tootin' country in the world.

Yee-hahl

But how was this great land created?

Well, Spain had a party.

Poland had sex with Belgium in the upstairs loo.

And nine months later, Britain was born.

And what a fandabi-double-dozi country it is.

But what makes this country so quite nice?

Why, it's the people of Britain.

The men, the women,

and the tree people, who populate this caramel-centred isle.

And it is them ones what we look at over the next seven hours.

So sit back, relax,

and enjoy Little Britain...

Livel

We begin our journey in the delightful seaside town of Oldhaven,

home of unconvincing transvestites Emily and Florence.

- Morning! - Afternoon!

- Two ladies on a bicyclette. - Not men!

- Definitely not men. - Pay no heed.

- Oh! What a delightful afternoon. - Oh, yes, Florence.

There's nothing I enjoy more than cycling along the prom,

wearing our ladies' dresses and booties and lace gloves, and...

shit.

I must say, I'm feeling rather naughty today.

What say we invite another rough handyman round?

Oh, no, not today, Florence, I've got one of my heads on.

- You go off and have your bath. - Couldn't we just call one, Emily?

- No, no, no, no, no. - Very quickly.

(Gruffly) No!

Hello, is that the plumber? Would you come straight round? Thank you so much.

- (Doorbell) - Oh! That was quick.

What do you want, to wait for an hour until he comes?

Come in!

Ah! Mon-sieur le plumber.

- Is the lady of the house in? - Yes, that is me. I'm a lady.

You said you had a problem with your plumbing.

Oh, you wicked boy!

We must get to know each other first before you take a look at my pipes.

Come through to my boudoir.

This way.

(Laughter and applause)

Nearly there.

Ah, yes, do take a seat.

So, are you courting?

- Er, yeah, I've got a girlfriend. - Ha!

I bet you wish your girlfriend was hot like me, hm?

I bet you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.

- Dontcha? - Hang on.

Emily!

Florence, do you mind? I was rather hoping to be sexually violated.

- I think I'd better go. - Oh, you've ruined everything.

He was about to propose. Well, you know where we are.

Yeah, thanks. By the way, I do like your dress.

- Do you? - Yeah, you look lovely.

Oh, he said I look lovely.

(Giggles)

- You all right? - That's got it, yeah.

just flob it out. Good man.

- Pardonnez-moi. - Look, guys, it's all right.

- I know the game. - I'm sorry?

Well, I like to wear women's clothes now and again.

I'm wearing some now. What do you reckon?

If you enjoy waiting in airports for 18 hours,

contracting food poisoning and having meaningless sex with a filthy foreigner,

then why not go on holiday?

(Cheering)

(Shop bell)

- Hello. - Hello. Welcome to Sun Seekers.

- My name is Carol. - Hi, Carol.

- Do you want a coffee? - No, I'm all right, thanks.

Sue, can I have no coffees, please?

Do you want anything? Like a Sun Seekers lolly?

Oh, yes, she would. Thank you.

Haven't got any.

I ate 'em all!

Now, Rachel hasn't been very well recently. In fact she's just come out of hospital.

So I promised her a trip to Disney World for Christmas.

- Right... - She wants to meet Mickey Mouse, don't you?

It'll just be a man in a suit.

But it that's what you want.

So you need flights to Florida.

Computer says no.

All the flights are booked?

I can get you some seats on Air Zimbabwe.

Well, I'm sure that would be OK.

To Zimbabwe.

You would then need to make your way to Disney World on foot.

Maybe not.

- Does it have to be Disney World? - What do you mean?

I could do you a week in PC World.

No, thank you.

- Got a flight to Miami. - Oh, that could work.

It leaves in ten minutes. If you run, you might just catch it.

Obviously not.

- Got a flight to Preston. - No.

- (Cheering) - It's a shithole!

(Applause)

So, there's no flights at all to Florida?

Computer says no.

You didn't even type anything in that time.

Computer says no!

Well, is there anywhere else fun we could go, like Disney World?

Boots.

- Come along, Rachel. - Oh, hang on a sec, hang on a sec.

(Coughs)

Little girl!

Mm?

(Applause)

(Phone)

(Shop bell)

(Laughter)

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I would like to book...

We're closed.

Hospitals in Britain are where people go to contract the popular superbug MRSA.

Here at St Christ's Hospital, Bruise,

Dudley Punt is waiting for a visit from his wife.

- Mr Punt, your wife's here to see you. - Thank you.

About bloody time.

Hello, Mr Dudwey.

(Wolf-whistles)

Hello, Ting Tong. I'm starving.

- Did you bring some Thai food? - Yes, Mr Dudwey.

- That's Typhoo. - Yes.

Oh, Thai food!

Sorry, Mr Dudwey, I thought you said Typhoo!

Oh, Mr Dudwey, your accent so funny, I can't always understand what you saying!

- How your leg today? All right? - Ow, it still hurts!

You shouldn't have been so clumsy, Mr Dudwey.

If your cousin hadn't been sleeping in the hallway, I wouldn't have tripped over him.

Where else is Wing Wong supposed to stay?

In the lounge we got Ping Pong, the bathroom, Ling Long,

in the kitchen we've got Ding Dong, in the guestroom, we've got Dave.

- Dave? - Yeah, Dave Macadangdang.

I want them all out by the time I get home, do you hear?

Don't worry, Mr Dudwey, they only stay for few year.

- No... - You little bit stressed up, in't you?

Let Ting Tong Macadangdang soothe you with relaxing Thai song.

(Screeches)

Let do the timewarp again

- (Applause) - Thank you. Thank you very much.

- That has just made things worse. - I know what relax you, Mr Dudwey.

- Ancient Thai massage. - That's more like it.

- Not here! - Ting Tong?

Hello, Mr Alfred, I did not see you there.

- You know her? - Know her? I'm married to her.

- What? - Sorry, Mr Dudwey, I forgot to tell you.

- I'm married to this man also. - What?

And to the man down there with the glasses. You all right?

Come see me later, I show you good time.

Get out! Get out!

Sorry, Mr Dudwey, I was gonna tell you.

- When? - After you die.

- You jezebel. - Please forgive me, Mr Dudwey.

Please, Mr Dudwey, forgive me! Forgive me! Please!

Oh, please, please, please! Please!

Maybe we should give it one more go, hmm?

It's half past telly and in this jeweller's in Little Gumbo,

a shameless double entendre is about to take place.

Yes, and you say it's your 30th anniversary?

Well, may I suggest you give your wife a pearl necklace?

Seeing little white beads glistening on her chest will give you so much pleasure.

Oh, go on, sir, splash out on her!

- Goodbye. - (Shop bell)

Ah, good afternoon. How can I help you?

Good after...

(Applause)

Eyes.

Good afternoon, yes. I should like to purchase an engagement ring, please,

for my beautiful fianc�e, standing just a couple of paces to my left.

Congratulations. I believe I have just the thing.

Oh! Oh, it's stunning.

- The diamond's beautiful. May I? - Oh, go ahead.

- Fits perfectly. - How much is this?

L5,000, sir.

Look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes.

You're under. Look, love, you're not Mariah Carey, you're a sales rep from Croydon.

There's no way I'm coughing up five grand on an engagement ring just for you.

Yeah, if you were prettier and had bigger tits, sure,

I'd be straight on the phone to Ocean Finance, but you're not.

So three, two, one, you're back in the room.

Actually, I think it's a big over-the-top.

- Yeah. - This might be better.

Yeah. Have you got one of those without the diamond?

May I have a word, sir? An engagement ring isn't something that should be...

Look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes.

You're under. Listen, mush.

When I click my fingers, I want you to sell me a ring so cheap, it gives her a rash.

Three, two, one, you're back in the room.

Erm, madam, can I show you our budget range? These are all under L20.

- Excellent. - They're not quite as nice, are they?

No, madam, in fact I wouldn't recommend them.

Look into my eyes, the eyes, you're under. An expensive ring wouldn't suit her.

Look at her, she's so plain, I have to have sex with her from behind. Hold the thought.

Look into my eyes, look into my eyes. You're under.

Forget about that ring. And the honeymoon's not in Barbados, it's in Fleetwood.

Hold the thought. Look into my eyes, you're under.

During the interval, you will head down to the merchandising stand

and purchase a Kenny Craig t-shirt.

They've not been selling as well as I'd hoped and are currently selling in all sizes.

You're back in the auditorium. You're back in the room.

This is lovely. How much is it?

- It's 9.99. - We got there!

Thanks. Oh, those earrings are beautiful. I would love a pair of those.

Look into my eyes, look into my eyes. You have no ears!

- Three, two, one, you're back in the room. - Pardon?

For God's sake, come on. Thank you.

Britain is made up of five countries.

England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales...

and Barbara.

But it is Scotland that we visit now.

Deep in the Low Highlands lies this charming hostelry.

Oh... Mr McCooney.

- Mr McCooney! - Yes?

(Cheering)

Hello, fans! Yes, I'm back!

- Mr McCooney. - Do excuse me.

I must attend to a guest.

- Yes? - At last!

- (Phone) - Look, I have to get out of here quickly.

What devilment is this?

- Well, it's the phone. - Ah, yes, the sprites are calling.

Are they for ye? Are they for me? We shall never know.

Oh, just answer it, man.

Hark, Squire McCooney. Yes!

When the cock doth crow and wee jack Frost makes merry with his dance,

I shall conjure thee from thy slumber.

Wake-up call, room six, 8:00.

- Look. I have a flight. I need to pay my bill. - Yes, I have it right here.

- I trust everything is in order. - I just need to check.

While you do, I shall provide thee with some soothing tones.

(Taped Highland jig)

Look, enough.

Thank you.

(Fiddle plays)

(Fiddle)

- This bill seems rather a lot. What's this? - Erm...

Let me just put my glasses on.

You called upon the spirits to carry forth words through the air.

Remembering first to dial 9 for an ootside line.

- What's that? - Ye made a phone call.

- What's this, then? - Partook of a measure

of Apothecary Schweppes's magical bubble potion.

- Oh, yes, I had a lemonade. - Ye know too much.

And did ye procure anything else from the miniaturised in-room alehouse?

- (Swanee whistle) - The what?

The mini bar!

Er, yes, a packet of Pringles.

What is this devilmentry of which ye speak?

Pringles, the crisps in the red tube.

Ah, yes.

Once ye pop,

ye cannae stop.

Ye cannae stop! Ye cannae stop!

- Ye cannae stop! - (Thunder and lightning)

Apart from the sour cream and onion flavour, which I find a trifle bland!

- (Applause) - All right, then.

- What's this thing here? - Oh!

Spied upon unbeclothed lady sprites on the electric telebox,

whilst a-playing with ye magic wand.

Yes, I think we know what that is.

Yes.

(Countdown tune)

At this comprehensive school in Darkly Noon,

the pupils have taken time out from happy-slapping to go to assembly.

( Piano... All Creatures Great And Small)

Thank you, Miss Posner. Right. Settle down.

- Today's assembly will be taken by Mr Collier. - Thanks, Steve!

Hiya, gang. Now, for today's assembly, I've arranged something a little bit special.

What I've done is, I've invited a former pupil along here today

to come and talk to you guys

about her experiences.

Now, she used to be a bit of a tearaway.

But she's turned her life around.

And I think her story is gonna be an inspiration to all of us.

So, please, a very warm welcome for Victoria Pollard.

(Cheering)

- Er, a lot of babies, Vicky. They all yours? - Yeah, I got six kids by seven different men.

(Laughter)

Don't go givin' me evils!

Yeah, I see you down Grange Park with your fanny out!

(Laughter and applause)

- Interesting start. OK. - (Laughter continues)

OK, first of all, thanks ever so much for coming along here today.

- You were supposed to be here last week. - No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.

This thing happened what I don't know nothing about.

Because I was gonna come last week but I never cos I had to go down Broadmeads

because I had an audition for X Factor, yeah.

I done really well cos I got through to the last 100,000.

I sung this song that was like...

You raise me up or something or nothing... Yeah!

I was amazing but then Louis Walsh said I was a bargain-basement Kerry McFadden.

I was like, ''I can't believe you just said that, Louis Walsh.

''You are well gonna get beatings, Louis Walsh,'' but it didn't matter

cos I ended up doing it with Simon Cowell.

Yeah. He was well a dirty bastard, yeah.

I had his baby, only I can't prove it cos it came out black.

- Really? - Yeah!

I swear on Preston and Chantelle's life.

It was one of those where you don't even know you're pregnant till it comes out.

I had it in the middle of Top Shop. It was well graphic.

OK, well, let's start at the beginning. Now, when I first met you,

you were a pupil at this school, you struggled a little academically, didn't you?

I can't read or write but it's not my fault because I'm like, totally lexdyxlic.

- (Laughter) - Ooh, fuck off.

So you started skipping lessons, or bunking off,

and you'd go to the Broadmeads Centre and get into trouble.

In fact, you were arrested for shoplifting 37 times.

No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.

What happened was something what I don't know nothing about.

I did shoplift but I didn't shoplift, but I did shoplift,

but I did shoplift, but I didn't shoplift, but I did,

but this whole thing happened because you know Trish?

- No. - Trish!

Trish. Trish.

Trish. Michelle and Trish.

Trishy. The Trishmeister. Patriciatola.

Big Trish. Little Trish.

(Screeches) Trish!

- No. - She ain't got nothing to do with it.

just leave her out of it. Stop getting involved!

This other thing happened. We was all at Paperchase sniffing highlighter pens.

Louise Fallon came in, who I completely hate.

She wrote in the bogs I gave Craig Herman a hand job.

She was well out of order to do that. I would so never do that.

- It was actually a blowie. - Right.

Yeah, but then this whole other thing happened,

because we was all at McDonalds because jade fancies this bloke there, Lee Cherry.

He used to go to this school and he's done the best out of his year

because he's got two stars on his name badge, yeah.

One for slicing gherkins and the other for mopping up piss.

Shanita told Lee that jade really fancied him,

then jade took Lee round the back of the fryers and showed him her Egg McMuffins.

- And it was around this time... - What you looking at, bitch?

I remember you. You used to teach me shemistry, or something.

Oh, my God, you had well better watch her.

She is such a lez. She will well try and gay you up.

Cos one time, this whole thing happened, or something or nothing.

We was all in PE and we was playing Murder Ball.

I threw the ball at Michaela Conway's head.

As a joke! And it like, completely broke her face.

Afterwards, we was all in the showers and she came in to tell me off

and she spent the whole time totally staring at my Dawson's Creek.

Yes, we have had a few complaints about that.

Now, it was around this time

you were summoned to court and given Anti-Social Behaviour Orders.

Yeah, I'm like, ASBOtastic!

You went to Borstal and even in Borstal, you got into trouble.

No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no. No, but yeah, but no, but yeah!

(Changes voices) No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.

(Speeds up) Yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but...

(Slows down) But yeah...

But no, but yeah, but no, but yeah

(Starts to sing) But no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no

Come on! No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but, no but yeah but no but yeah but

No?

But yeah. Mais non, mais oui.

Aber nein, aber ja. (Northern accent) But no, but yeah.

Oh, my God, but something happened because one time,

we was all round the back of the dorms and Colleen McGovern was there.

She's got a nut allergy. I gave her a peanut Revel, only I told her it was a coffee one.

She ate it and nearly died. And she had to go to hospital. She well blamed me for it.

I'm like, ''It's not my fault you're so gay, you can't eat a peanut.''

A lesson for us all, I feel. So what can we take away from today?

Well, I think a message of hope,

because this young lady has turned her life around.

You're at college doing a BTEC in?

Hollyoaks.

Hollyoaks. And do you enjoy college?

Oh, my God, it's like a total doss, cos we never even go into lessons, anyway.

Last week, we all skived off to go down Weston-Super-Mare

to the T4 Party On The Beach because I really, really wanted to meet McFly.

- And did you? - No, I just got fingered by Darius.

- Thank you very much, Victoria Pollard. - Don't go givin' me evils!

Poor people in Britain - or vermin, as they are known -

cannot afford trips abroad.

And so they are rounded up, put on National Express coaches,

and sent to holiday camps, like this one.

- (Children) Hello, Uncle Des. - Hello, gang, you all right?

Come on, then! Everybody!

Climb on board the fun bus

Come on and take a ride

It's Uncle Des's fun bus

Always room for a little one inside

How you doing? You all right? Who would like a lolly?

Where do I hear a wicky-woo? Where have we got a wicky-woo?

Wicky-woo over there. A couple of wicky-woo fans over there!

I've gotta hear your wicky-woos.

Over there. Lollies over there.

Yeah. Lollies. Yeah, lollies. Yeah? Lollies.

It's all you want from innit, bloody lollies!

(Laughter)

Keep it together, Des.

OK, I have a funny joke for you. Knock, knock.

- (All) Who's there? - Wicky.

- Wicky who? - Wicky-woo, it's me, Des Kaye.

Let me in. I don't want to hurt you.

Right. Now, we are going to play a game tonight called Hide The Sausage.

What I need is two contestants.

I need one little boy. And one little... boy.

So, who would like to play Hide The Sausage with me tonight?

Where are my lucky boys a-lurking?

I think I see my first lucky boy right here please.

Up onto the stage, my friend. Squeeze through. There we are.

Up you get onto the stage. And my second lucky boy is right here.

A round of applause for our contestants.

Come on, you. Come on, you.

Eh? Come on, up you go. Onto the stage, come on.

Eh? Come on, you. Eh? Eh?

There we are. There we are. Yes...

Mmm... Hello, there!

Hello, there.

- Lovely skin. - I try.

Yes, it's beautiful. You must moisturise.

- And, um, your name is? - jamie.

- jamie. How old are you, jamie? - 25.

He's a big boy, in't he?

And, er... Oh, God, yes.

And, um...

- Whereabouts are you from, jamie? - Blackpool.

- (Cheering) - Mmm, that's do-able.

Very do-able, yes.

Come on, jamie, relax. Yeah?

You're with your Uncle Des.

See? He's nice, in't he? Eh?

You relaxed now, jamie?

OK, well, tell me this, jamie.

Don't act the giddy goat. Tell me this. Do you have a favourite colour?

- Purple. - Oh!

I like pink.

But sometimes I go for brown. So...

Come on, jamie!

What's the worst that could happen?

It's going to happen.

OK, and your name is?

Graham.

OK, so...

It's time to play Hide The Sausage.

Now, I have a sausage here, and I'd like one of you two to hide it...

Ooh, your face has lit up, hasn't it?

I want one of you two to hide it upon your person but don't tell me who's got it.

So you put your hand out, jamie, to take it.

Are you looking forward to it? Yes?

Here it comes. Feels nice, doesn't it, jamie? Eh?

You ever tried with two hands, jamie?

Like that. just like the real thing, in't it, jamie, eh?

OK, you know what you've got to do.

Hide the sausage somewhere upon your person. Don't tell me who's got it.

So you're hiding the sausage.

Have you hidden the sausage? Is the sausage hidden?

OK, now it's time to Find The Sausage.

OK, is it over here? Probably not.

Has jamie got it? Is it here? We don't know.

Is it? Probably not. Has jamie got it? Is it up there? We don't know.

Is it? Probably not. Is it down there? Has jamie got it?

Is it? Probably not.

Hey, give it to me, jamie! Give it to me! Give me the sausage!

Give it to me! Give me the sausage!

Give me the sausage! Give it to me!

Give me the sausage! Give me the sausage!

- (Klaxon) - Oh!

Oh, dear, we're out of time.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry, jamie, I'm sorry.

I accidentally kissed you. I'm sorry.

Up you get. Come on.

(Laughter and applause)

OK.

OK.

They liked that, jamie, didn't they?

OK, who had the sausage? Who had it?

Did you have the sausage? Did you have the sausage?

Right, you can go, ugly boy. Go.

Quickly, fat boy, run!

Right!

Oh, yes.

You are the winner and you have won yourself a Des Kaye fun sack.

Oh, I've just remembered, I've left it in my dressing room.

You're gonna have to come backstage with me and get it.

See you later, folks, wicky-woo! Come with me, jamie.

Kiss me. Lick me. Let's get these down! Get these down!

Today, in Pox, the locals are enjoying their annual village f�te.

Good afternoon, one and all, and welcome to the Pox village fete.

It's wonderful to see so many of you here this year.

I'm delighted to be able to tell you

that the winner of the children's fancy-dress competition

is eight-year-old jessica Meadows,

who came dressed as a turd.

(Smattering of applause)

And now it's time to find out who has won the cake competition.

Will you please welcome this year's judge, she's a real old friend of mine.

Ms Margaret Blackamoor.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, judy. Mmm!

Thank you so much.

Now, it hasn't been easy this year. There's been an unusually high standard.

We've had some very tasty, moist, almost wet offerings this year.

Four cakes were entered. I managed to whittle those down to a final three.

I'm delighted to announce that the winner is this charming Victoria sponge.

Oh, yes, and it really was exquisite, wasn't it, Maggie?

Oh, yes, judy, let me just take a little... Mm! Cake perfection.

- Indeed. - And the name of the winner, judy?

And the name of the winner, Maggie, is...

Oh, shit.

Mrs Indira Patel!

Are you all right, Maggie?

Is there something wrong, Mrs Blackamoor?

(Shrieking)

Um, I must just go...

No, Maggie, no, please. Your old, dearest friend. Maggie!

Hello, and welcome to the grand final of Stars In Their Eyes.

Now, last week, she wowed us all with her uncanny performance as Celine Dion.

Tonight she's back.

Please welcome Anne.

(Cheering)

Anne, welcome back to the show.

(David's normal voice) Thank you.

Last week you were Celine Dion. This week, you're going to be somebody different.

So, tell us who you're going to be. Give us your clues.

Well, she was originally a gospel singer.

She co-starred in the film The Bodyguard.

And she now spends her days off her nut on crack.

So tell us, who are you going to be tonight?

Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Whitney Houston.

Ladies and gentlemen, singing live, Anne is Whitney Houston.

( The Greatest Love Of All)

Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh-eh!

Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!

Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!

(Mouths)

Eh-eh-eh-ehhh!

Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh!

Eh-eh-eh!!

Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh!

Eh-eh-eh!

Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh!

Eh-eh-eh!

Eh-eh-eh!

Eh-eh-eh!

Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh!

Next we meet this bank manager who works at this bank in Kuntington.

Spelt with a K, thank you.

- (Intercom buzzes) - Your 10... 00 appointment has arrived.

- Send her through, Miss Kenton. - Yes, Mr Purves.

(Sighs) Oh, God.

Hello, darlings!

(Cheering)

- Good afternoon, Mrs De Vere. - Call me Bubbles, darling, everybody does.

Would you like to take a seat?

Oh, take a seat, huh? (Cackles)

Oh-oh-oh

No, no, no, no.

Oh-oh-oh-oh

No, no.

- In the chair, please. - He wants me in the chair, darlings!

Can I offer you a drink?

Yes, darling I'll have some champagne. Champagne for everyone!

No, it's just tea or coffee, I'm afraid.

Oh. I'll have a coffee, please, darling.

- Do you take anything in it? - Yes, champagne!

- Please, Mrs De Vere, take a seat. - Yes.

Now...

I've asked you here because you have been overspending on your account.

Oh, darling, what a bore!

And as of today, you are currently overdrawn by L180,000.

Well, I have very expensive tastes, darling.

Why eat at McDonald's when one can afford Wimpy?

Look at me, darling, I'm a beautiful woman.

I deserve only the finest clothes.

Which is why I always shop at George at Asda.

Yes, but...

You owe the bank a lot of money, Mrs De Vere. How do you intend to pay us back?

- Do you have a job? - International glamour puss.

How will you pay us back?

Oh, darling, this is total tediosity.

- Why don't you put it on one of my cards? - All right, what have we got?

- Here. - Thank you.

- No, this is your Boots Advantage card. - Ah...

This is your Blockbuster Video card.

This is a Polaroid of a man's penis.

Ah, Prince Philip! Happy days!

Please, Mrs De Vere, pay attention.

I think the first thing we need to do is to cut back on your spending.

Wonderful, we've found a solution. Let's celebrate with some champagne!

- Champagne for everyone! - I don't think you understand.

- You cannot afford champagne any more. - Ah...

Happy Shopper Cola! Happy Shopper Cola for everyone!

No, Mrs De Vere, the question remains, how are you going to pay your debt off?

I think we both know how, don't you, darling?

- I'm sorry? - In your office. That's very dangereux.

- (Stammering) I don't follow you. - I see the way you look at me.

I know what you're thinking.

''I'll cancel that little debty-webty right now

''if only she lets me make mad, passionate love sex with her.''

- I'm not thinking that. - You naughty, naughty boy.

( Hums burlesque tune)

What are you doing? Please, Mrs De Vere!

I think you better leave now.

Mrs De Vere!

Da-da, da-da

Da-da, da-da

Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da

Da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da!

(Cheering and applause)

In the little village of Stumpycock,

Sir Norman Fry MP is once again facing the press.

l-I have a statement I would like to read.

On Tuesday night, after a late-night session at the House of Commons,

I decided to take a stroll...

on Hampstead Heath.

Whilst there, I met a young, blond-haired man who had lost his dog.

I offered to go into the bushes with him to help him look for it.

Unfortunately, the animal in question was nowhere to be found,

so I gave him L50 so that he might buy another one.

At that point, my clothes accidentally fell off.

Soon after, I lost my footing and slipped on a wet blade of grass.

As I fell, I inadvertently pulled down the young man's trousers and pants.

In the mel�e, I reached out and grabbed what I thought...

was a branch.

In order to help myself up, I repeatedly tugged on it...

until my face was covered in what I assumed...

was sap.

As far as I'm concerned, that is the end of the matter. Thank you.

It's a quarter to Prunella

and shop owner Roy is rushed off his feet.

(Cheering)

(Mouths)

(Bell)

(Cheering)

- Hello. How can I help you? - I am just looking, thank you.

(Laughter)

If there's anything I can help you with.

Yes, please, I'd like to buy a pot of paint, please.

Oh, right! Any particular colour?

No.

- Well, we could be here all night, then. - Yes, we could.

- Well, which colours do you like? - I don't really like any colours.

I find them unnecessary.

Right. Well, in that case, may I suggest white?

Yes, I'll have a pot of your white paint, please.

Right.

With a hint of black.

- So, grey? - Yes.

Right.

But with a bit of bluey redness.

One moment.

Margaret! Margaret!

(From audience) Yes?

- That wasn't the right Margaret. - (Laughter)

- That was a group of pissed-up northerners. - Right.

(Laughter)

(Light jeering)

- We may get lynched now, I don't know. - Yes, we may.

But I can run a little bit faster, so...

- Yes, I've got short legs, I'm fucked. - (Laughter)

(Margaret) Yes?

- That was the right Margaret. - Right, OK.

There's a... There's about eight people here who want to know

if we've got any paint that's grey but with a bit of bluey redness.

(Margaret) I don't think so.

I think the grey that we stock is quite grey.

She says she doesn't think so, she says she thinks the grey we stock is quite grey.

- Oh. - Oh.

(Margaret) Oh, I've had an idea. Roy?

Ro-o-oy?

- Yes? - Does he like maroon?

She says, do you like maroon?

I find maroon lacks maroonity.

He... What?

Says he finds maroon lacks maroonity.

(Margaret) A lot of folk do say that.

- Well, I don't know what to suggest. - (Margaret) Oh, I know!

She says, oh, she knows!

(Margaret) Why don't you show him the colour chart?

Oh, Margaret, that's a good idea. I'll show him the colour chart.

Here is the chart of colours.

I'll take that one, please.

- What, the brown? - Yes, the brown.

Right. OK. The brown.

(Strains) Ohh.

(Strains) Ohh.

(Laughter)

In pink.

I hate you so much.

If you live on Cup-A-Soup and marijuana,

and haven't attended a lecture for over two years,

chances you are a student and go to a university.

Mmm. Lovely biscuit.

- (Knocking) - Come in.

- Hello, Linda. - Ah, hello, Patricia, take a seat.

Oh, my word... What can I help you with today?

When is the deadline was for the essay on gender roles in the work of George Eliot?

I'm not sure. Martin'll know.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got a student here. Wants to know when the deadline is for the Eliot essay.

Patricia. You know Patricia.

Black boots, dungarees, hat.

When she waves at you, looks like she's got a tarantula under her arm.

Looks like she's got Brian May and Anita Dobson in a headlock.

That's right. Chewbacca. Yeah.

OK.

He says it's Thursday.

- Goodbye. - (Roars like Chewbacca)

- (Knocking) - Come in.

- Ah, hello, Dave. Take a seat. - All right? Thanks very much.

- What can I help you with today? - I'm not very happy in my tutorial group.

I was wondering if I could change.

And who's in your group at the moment?

It's me, joanne, Chao-Yun, Ranjit and Paul.

So it's you, Big Fat Lesbian, Ching Chong Chinaman,

Ali Bongo and the Oompa-Loompa.

I'll just ring Martin and find out.

Martin, it's Linda.

I've got a student here. Wants to know if he can change tutorial groups.

Dave.

You know Dave.

Colourful T-shirts, always smiling.

Wears sunglasses but not in a cool way.

Would get money off his TV licence.

Would be last to be picked for a darts team.

You could go like this to him.

And he wouldn't realise.

That's right, Blind Dave.

- He says that's fine. - Oh, right, thanks very much.

Right, right, right, right, right, left, left, left, left, left.

Right, right, right, left, left, left.

Don't milk it.

- (Knocking) - Come in.

Fiddler On The Roof.

Meanwhile in Sneddy, Dennis Waterman is off to see his agent, Jeremy Rent.

- Dennis Waterman here to see you. - Lovely. Send him in.

Woof woof woof! Good boy, Wolfit.

- Hello. - Dennis, lovely to see you, dear heart.

Come in. Take a seat. just pop you in your basket, Wolfit.

- Stay. - jeremy! Help! Help!

He's just being friendly.

- I don't like it. - Here, give him this doggie biscuit.

- Sit. - I'll just get up on my chair.

Right.

- Whoa! Tired. - Now, first things first.

- This letter came for you. - Is it from Rula?

No, it's from a fan. Here, have a look.

Thank you.

And, er...

Let's see if this one works. These were in the envelope as well.

Here, catch!

Whoa!

- She's a big girl. - Yes.

- Pungent? - Spicy.

Now, I'm glad you've stopped by. I've just had a phone call from Channel 4.

They're making a new series of Celebrity Big Brother.

- They want you to be in it. - Oh!

They've got a good line-up this year, actually.

So far, they've got Su Pollard, Peter Stringfellow and Colonel Gaddafi.

- (Buzzing) - Is there a buzzing in here?

It's just a bee. Don't let it bother you.

(Gasps) jeremy! Help! It looks angry. It's gonna sting me!

Here, swat it with this script of Holby City

that has been sent to my client, Lynda Bellingham.

Get you away with you, bee! You naughty bee! Away with you, sir! Away!

Away!

Phew!

- What a big, fat bee. - Yes.

It's funny, actually, cos the bee is bigger than the dog.

It must be some sort of breed of genetic super-bee, mustn't it?

Either that or they haven't really thought it through.

So they want you to be...

It's never really been explained why I'm small.

- What? - Why am I small?

- Why are you small? - Why do I speak in this silly voice?

I don't know.

It's nothing like him, Matt. I don't get it.

(Cheering)

Do you think if we met the real Dennis Waterman, he'd kick the shit out of us?

- (Laughter and applause) - Yes, I think he probably would.

- They like that idea. - They went for that, didn't they?

Can you remember where we are in the sketch?

No, I cannot.

We may be fucked, then.

- You did the thing about Celebrity Big Brother. - Yes!

Yes! Because you've been offered this part in Celebrity Big Brother.

That's nice. So they want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune.

No, they just want you to be in this one.

What, no singing at all?

I have to do the theme tune. I always do the theme tune.

Sorry, Den. In fact, they specifically said they didn't want to hear you sing.

- (Audience) Aw! - Don't patronise me!

Now, come along, Dennis.

There was a show called Celebrity Big Brother

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

They ask you on it when you're no longer famous

Doo-doo-doo-doo

They deprive you of food and sleep

And film everything you do

They even film you having a poo

I'll tell them you're busy.

Hello, fatties.

- (Cheering) - Hello!

Hello, yes! Yes!

Lovely to be here, yes.

Blimey, they told me Blackpool was full of fat people. They were not wrong!

Look at you, you are grotesque, aren't you?

Have we got a lot of new members in?

Hands up if you're a new member.

Who here is a new member?

Ho ho! We've got a new member down here.

What's your name, sweetness?

No, I can't. Do it again.

No, do it again.

Sarah! Hello, Sarah.

You are big, aren't you?

How did you get into the theatre? Were you airlifted in?

Oh, she walked? She walked. Very brave. Who else is a new?

Ho ho! There's a new member down here. What's your name, my friend?

lan. We've already got an lan, haven't we?

Do you mind if we call you Fat lan?

No, our lan is big but you are something else, I tell you!

(Screeches with laughter) Bloater. OK!

OK, because we've got so many new members in tonight,

I thought it might be quite nice to have a sort of game.

So what I've got is three pieces of card and on each card is a food,

and I'm going to ask you something about each food.

So, first up we've got lettisssssssss...

Lett-isssssss...

Sssss...

You know lettuce, lan. Comes in the burger between the pattie and the Swiss cheese.

Lettuce. Now!

I want you to tell me if you think lettuce is high in fat or low in fat.

- What do we think, high or low? - (All) Low!

Some say low. Some say high.

Very interesting. Lettuce is actually very high in fat, yes.

Yes, indeed. Lettuce is very high in fat and is to be avoided.

Much like the dreaded salade.

OK. OK. So, this is the next one.

This is a magnifying glassssss...

Ssss... And if you look very closely, you can see a bit of, that's right, dust.

- So, high in fat or low in fat, dust? - Low!

- Anybody? - Low!

- No? - Low!

Dust.

Anybody? No? Dust.

Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust.

(Shrieks) Dust!

Is actually very low in fat. So you can have as much dust as you like.

Yes. So we'll put dust there, just above sticks.

OK.

OK, so this is the last one.

This is a cake...

Ooh, I love a bit of cake, though!

I do!

OK, this is a ca...

Oh, I do like cake! I do, actually, funnily enough, as it goes.

So, OK. This is a cake.

Cake!

This is a...

Cakey-cakey-cake-cake. Ooh, the cake! Ooh, the cake! Gimme the cake!

OK, come on, please. Seriousness, now, actually, thank you, please.

So, this is a c...

Cake! Gimme the cake! Come on, please.

So is this cake high in fat or low in fat? What do we think, fatties?

- High or low? - (All shouting out)

Mostly lows, a few high.

It's very interesting, cake is usually very high in fat.

But I find if you take a slice of cake...

Oh, man, I love the cake!

And you put it on a slice of Ryvita, it's actually very low in fat. Yes.

Yes.

So cake goes there.

OK, so now it's time for the weigh-in.

We're gonna get a new member onto the stage and weigh them. Yes, we are.

So hands up if you are a new member and you'd like to come up and be weighed.

Hands up. But you will need to be a little bit chunky.

(Nervous laughter)

Oh, hello, who we got here?

No, we need a fatty not a twatty.

Oh, my word, are you wedged in or will you be able to?

You will? Who's gonna come up?

Round of applause for our new member. Yes!

Yes!

Yes! You have to get up as well. That wasn't easy, was it? OK.

Make your way to the stage. New member, ladies and gentlemen.

Up you get. She's taking her time, in't she?

I should have put a biscuit on each step, that would have...

The stairs held. That's good. I wasn't expecting that.

OK! Dark colours are the slimming ones, dear.

- (Laughter) - No, come on, please!

If you'd like to step up to the scales. You come up here by me.

You come up here by me. just get my microphone. Lovely.

OK, lovely to see you. What's your name, my sweetness?

- Donna. - Donna.

She got a pretty face, hasn't she?

In the middle there.

- (Laughter) - No! That is cruel. Do you mind?

So... No, cos we've got... this thing up here and that is not fair.

So you're Donna. Donna, Donna.

- What do you do? - I'm an account manager for IT solutions.

Really? You're an account manager.

- I thought it was a job one does sitting down. - (Laughter)

That is unfair. That is very cruel, Blackpool.

OK, so you're Donna, you're an account manager.

- Who are you here with tonight? - My sister Dawn.

Really? And she was willing to be seen out with you in public? How about that?

Very brave. Very progressive.

OK, Donna. If you just wanna waddle over to the scales.

Up you pop. Pop being the operative w... No, that's cruel.

Oh, Donna! Oh, Donna!

Donna! Donna! Donna!

48 stone!

Ooh, it's not easy, is it?

Come on, sweetness and light.

Well, sweetness, at any rate.

48 stone in front of all these people, Donna.

Can I give you a bit of advice, because Marjorie does care.

Next time you're in the kitchen, late at night, and you're feeling a bit peckish, yeah, Donna?

And you think, ''Ooh, I'll open up a cupboard and take out a little snack,'' will you remember...

you is fat! Oh, man, you fat!

Fat cow! Fat cow! Fat cow!

You're a fat cow, love! you're a fat, love!

Ooh, man, you fat! You da fatty-fatty-boom-boom.

Will you remember that for me?

Yeah? You just wait there, Donna.

We got something for you to say thank you for being such a marvellous sport.

It's a Fat Fighters T-shirt.

- (Laughter) - There you go.

There you go! Yes!

That's for you, yes!

Yes.

What's that? It might be a bit snug? Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Donna. She's been fantastic.

Thank you so much. She really was fantastic.

There you go, Donna!

Donna...

Ooh, she stank an' all.

(Laughter)

They often do, though, don't they, the fatties.

She came, she weighed 48 stone, she stank the place out.

I think we better leave it there. See you next time, Blackpool. Thank you, Donna.

This shop sells fruit and vegetables.

People in the north of England may be interested to learn of their existence.

What was it you wanted, love?

- Pound of carrots. - Pound of carrots, coming up.

(Applause)

- Hello, Mrs Emery. - Oh, hello, dear.

It's Vanessa, Moira's daughter.

Oh, yes, haven't you grown?

And she told me you'd had a baby.

Oh, he's lovely, in't he? What's his name?

- Alfie. - Hello, Alfie.

- How have you been, Mrs Emery? - Quite well, thank you, dear.

Though we did have a very rainy April and that laid me low, gave me a chesty cough.

How's your mum? She had her varicose veins done yet?

She's... she's still on the waiting list.

All waiting lists these days. You've got to drop down dead before they do anything.

Yeah, well, I'll give her your love.

If you would. Cheerio.

Oh, I forgot to say, Renee is 80 Sunday and she's having a bit of a do.

I know she'd love to see your mum there.

- Will you tell her for me? - I better go. Alfie's got a bit of a cold.

I got a hanky here.

There we are.

Bye-bye.

Can I get you anything, love?

No, thanks, stinks of piss in here.

Our final stop on our journey tonight is Number 10, Downing Street,

where the Prime Minister is having a difficult conversation with his wife.

(Cheering and applause)

So the plan is to release the press statement at noon.

And it's not going to mention divorce?

No, just that it's a trial separation and that you will be moving out of Number 10.

I'm going to take the kids to Spain. We'll stay at my parents' place for a couple of weeks.

- I think that's a good idea. - I'll call you when we get there.

Sarah, I'm so sorry that it's come to this.

Morning!

(Cheering and applause)

- Morning. - Good morning, Sebastian.

Whatever!

just to remind you, Prime Minister, the Dalai Lama will be here in ten minutes.

Thank you. Now, Sebastian, I need you to draw up a press statement for us.

- Of course, Prime Minister. - Announcing that Sarah and I are separating.

Oh, no...

- It's very sad. - Oh, that is terrible news...

- Well, I'd better go and pack. - Yeah...

- Goodbye, Michael. - Goodbye, Sarah.

Let me see you out, hm?

There you go.

- It's me, isn't it? - What's that?

I'm the reason you're separating.

No, of course not, we've just grown apart.

She thinks we're having an affair, doesn't she?

- No. - I bet she thinks,

as soon as she's out of the room,

you're having me up against the wall, like this.

(Grunts) Give it to me, Prime Minister.

Or does she think you have me over the desk?

Oh, yeah. Ooh! Spit on it! Spit on it! Ooh!

(Laughter)

No, she does not.

Or does she think you pin me to the sofa like this?

Oh! Oh, that's deep!

Oh!

- Is that what she's thinking? - No, it is not!

Now, please, Sebastian, get up. I don't have time for this today.

- Sorry. - Now, look.

Sebastian, I need your support right now.

- Of course, Prime Minister. - I'm very upset about this separation.

- I know something that will cheer you up. - Please, not now.

I have to read this before the Dalai Lama arrives.

No, it's really funny. I'm always doing it in the Commons bar. It's hilarious.

Please, Sebastian.

(Wolf-whistles)

- Are you ready, Prime Minister? - Ready for what?

Look, Prime Minister, I'm a woman!

That is totally inappropriate.

Sebastian, I can't believe you're behaving like this.

Sorry, Prime Minister. just trying to cheer you up, what with the divorce.

It's not a divorce. It's a trial separation. I'm hoping we get back together.

What?

- For God's sake, put your clothes back on. - Sorry, Prime Minister.

- Quickly! - I can't find my pants.

- They must be in there somewhere. - Help me.

Prime Minister!

Your Holiness!

Michael!

Sarah!

Ooh, how embarrassing.

We do, of course, have one last place to visit,

the Welsh mining village of Llanddewi Brefi,

home of bum troubler Dafydd Thomas.

(Cheering and applause)

Yes, I love you too, Rhiannon.

Oh, better go. Miss you.

Miss your minge.

Ta-ta.

- Evening, Sergeant Davies. - Hello, Myfanwy. I'll have a pint of Wet Valley.

Coming right up.

(Cheering and applause)

Good evening, Myfanwy.

Evening, Dafydd. Bacardi and Coke?

No, thank you, Myfanwy, I'm here to see Sergeant Davies.

Oh. Hello, Dafydd. What can I do you for?

I've come to hand myself in.

- I see. Have you committed a crime? - Yes, Sergeant Davies.

For I am a gay.

Oh, here we go.

As we all know, it is a shameful fact that being gay in this country is still a crime.

- I don't think it is. - No, it definitely isn't.

Well, it should be.

I can't charge someone with being gay.

You've got to break the law. Like gross indecency.

Have you been hanging round the lavvies having cock and bum fun?

Don't be disgusting!

People actually do that?

Oh, yes, or up the woods or down the park.

In fact, there's a wonderful spot round the back of the police station.

just make sure your little Tom jones don't get cold.

Let me assure you, Sergeant Davies, that I have only had sex once,

in the privacy of my own home.

And I was quite alone.

Then I can't think of anything to charge you with.

Hang on a minute. Did you just say there are people here in Llanddewi Brefi

indulging in activities of an homosexual nature?

- Of course, lad. - Yes! I'm always drinking from the furry cup.

I'm a fully qualified muff diver.

Yes, that's just lezzie stuff, not proper gay.

Well, I was just in my panda car, enjoying a spot of fisting.

I was at a party last night

and I ended up rimming Shakin' Stevens.

But I thought...

Centre stage! Centre stage!

I am the only gay in the village!

(Cheering)

- No, you're not. - For goodness' sake, stop going on about it.

- Well, can't you just arrest me anyway? - No, now, come on, let me finish my pint.

Well, thank you very much! You've ruined my whole plan!

I had it all worked out. I was going to become a martyr for the cause.

Like a modern-day Graham Norton.

Will Young was going to stand outside the prison gates

and sing a song just for me.

( Piano introduction)

Poor little poofter

Alone in his cell

Spare a thought for the woofter

His life now a hell

This beautiful bum boy

Is now doing time

Is burgling turds

Such a terrible crime?

So you guardians up here

Who are you to judge?

Who cares if he's up all night

Packing fudge?

Open your hearts

Open your eyes

Stand proud and tall, Dafydd

Sing to the skies

I'm gay

Get over it!

I'm gay

Get used to it!

Yes, wake up, you old codgers

For I like to hold men's todgers

I also like men's bottoms

I'm not afraid to say that I'm a gay

A proper gay

I'm gay

So live with it!

I'm gay

So deal with it!

I'm a member of a flock

Who prefers a bit of cock

Yes, whenever I feel glum

I think of Nigel Havers' bum

Because I'm gay

A proper gay

Yes, I'll say it loud

I'll sing from the roof

I'm Llanddewi Brefi's number one poof!

I'm gay

A real-life gay!

I'm gay

Did I mention I was gay?

Although I'm short and stocky

I'm a first-class sausage jockey

I've only got a maggot

But I'm proud to be a faggot

Yes, I'm gay

A big, fat gay

He's gay

A homosexual gay

He's gay

A friend of Doro-thay

Is it really all that heinous

To gobble on a penis?

Though I haven't tried it yet

But I planning to one day

Because I'm gay

A big, fat gay

A proper gay

The only gay!

(Cheering and applause)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0