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(Orchestra tunes up)
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00:00:03,495 --> 00:00:06,665
www.opensubtitles.org
subs by W-O-R-S-T
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00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
4
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:18,958
(Drum roll)
5
00:00:19,007 --> 00:00:21,362
(Applause)
6
00:00:21,407 --> 00:00:25,446
(Tom Baker) Britainl Britainl Britainl
7
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The best goddarn, cotton-pickin',
rootin'-tootin'...
8
00:00:28,927 --> 00:00:31,236
- No, no, please, no!
- (Cheering)
9
00:00:31,287 --> 00:00:33,437
Please, please!
10
00:00:33,487 --> 00:00:36,240
Please! Please!
11
00:00:36,287 --> 00:00:38,198
Please, no!
12
00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:40,238
Come on, now, please.
13
00:00:41,327 --> 00:00:44,842
I'm sorry to interrupt the show.
14
00:00:44,887 --> 00:00:47,082
But I just lost my friend.
15
00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:51,925
I was picking up the tickets in the box office
and I turned round and he'd gone.
16
00:00:52,647 --> 00:00:55,241
Oh, it's a right kerfuffle.
17
00:00:55,287 --> 00:00:58,996
His name's Andy, Andy Pipkin.
18
00:00:59,047 --> 00:01:02,244
Um, how can I describe him?
19
00:01:03,287 --> 00:01:08,042
Glasses, brown hair.
Not conventionally attractive.
20
00:01:09,087 --> 00:01:12,284
Often seen eating from a large bag of crisps.
21
00:01:12,727 --> 00:01:16,117
- Anyone seen him?
- (Audience) No!
22
00:01:16,927 --> 00:01:19,395
I'm worried sick. I'm on pills anyway.
23
00:01:20,087 --> 00:01:24,797
If you see him, let me know cos he's probably
crawling along on the ground.
24
00:01:24,847 --> 00:01:27,680
He doesn't have the use of anything
below the waist.
25
00:01:27,727 --> 00:01:30,764
- The legs just sort of flap about if anything.
- (Cheering)
26
00:01:30,807 --> 00:01:34,038
It's a very sad state of affairs.
27
00:01:35,247 --> 00:01:37,397
You'd say if you could see him,
wouldn't you?
28
00:01:37,447 --> 00:01:40,519
- What's that? Where is he?
- (Audience) Behind you!
29
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,240
Behind me? He's not here.
30
00:01:44,207 --> 00:01:47,643
People of Blackpool,
playing tricks on my mind.
31
00:01:47,687 --> 00:01:50,076
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
32
00:01:50,127 --> 00:01:54,405
This is a man in a wheelchair we're talking
about. It's not a laughing matter.
33
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:57,678
- Oh, Andy, where are you?
- Right here.
34
00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:03,237
Oh! There you are. I was worried sick.
35
00:02:03,287 --> 00:02:04,686
Yeah, I know.
36
00:02:05,687 --> 00:02:09,441
I'm actually quite surprised you agreed
to come here to Blackpool tonight.
37
00:02:09,487 --> 00:02:13,639
- Why's that?
- You always said you hated Blackpool.
38
00:02:13,687 --> 00:02:15,678
(Light jeering)
39
00:02:18,647 --> 00:02:22,765
You always said it was nothing more
than a pus-ridden carbuncle.
40
00:02:22,807 --> 00:02:27,358
- That it ought to be bulldozed over.
- No, I never.
41
00:02:28,927 --> 00:02:32,442
You did, and you went on to say
that the people who lived here
42
00:02:32,487 --> 00:02:34,523
are, in a word, scum.
43
00:02:36,127 --> 00:02:37,958
Maybe we should move on.
44
00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:41,561
So, you looking forward to the show?
45
00:02:41,607 --> 00:02:43,757
Yeah. Is it Monster Trucks?
46
00:02:44,687 --> 00:02:47,838
No, I did say in the van on the way here.
47
00:02:47,887 --> 00:02:49,559
This is Little Britain Live.
48
00:02:49,607 --> 00:02:51,438
Who?
49
00:02:52,287 --> 00:02:56,246
You know, the one where they're always
dressing up as women and acting gay.
50
00:02:57,007 --> 00:03:01,159
- I don't like it.
- Well, it's just about to start.
51
00:03:01,207 --> 00:03:04,358
Did you remember to do toilet
before we came out tonight?
52
00:03:04,407 --> 00:03:08,320
- Yeah.
- What was it? Numbers ones or twos?
53
00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:10,085
One and a half.
54
00:03:11,287 --> 00:03:14,597
Right, well, let's find our seats.
55
00:03:14,647 --> 00:03:19,357
- Hey, do your impression.
- They don't want to see my impression.
56
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:23,116
- It's brilliant. Do it, do it, do it!
- They don't want to see it.
57
00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:26,318
Impression! Impression! Impression!
58
00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:28,927
- Impression!
- All right, all right.
59
00:03:28,967 --> 00:03:32,118
- Impression!
- All right...
60
00:03:37,607 --> 00:03:39,996
(Lou's normal voice)
Hello, Rodney and Uncle Albert.
61
00:03:40,047 --> 00:03:44,598
This is Del Boy here
from Only The Fools And The Horses.
62
00:03:44,647 --> 00:03:47,115
Lovely jubbly, you plonker.
63
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:49,203
- Next bit?
- This time next year.
64
00:03:49,247 --> 00:03:53,001
This time next year,
we will be very rich millionaires.
65
00:03:54,967 --> 00:03:57,401
Finished.
66
00:03:58,807 --> 00:04:00,126
(Applause)
67
00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:02,203
That was crap.
68
00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:05,478
- I never said it was good.
- Why did you do it?
69
00:04:06,527 --> 00:04:10,406
- You told me to.
- You've humiliated yourself.
70
00:04:11,007 --> 00:04:14,317
- Yeah, I know.
- In front of that one, that one...
71
00:04:14,367 --> 00:04:18,280
- that one, that one...
- Thank you. Come on, let's find our seats.
72
00:04:18,327 --> 00:04:21,637
- Want sweets.
- It's just about to start.
73
00:04:21,687 --> 00:04:24,406
- Want sweets, though.
- No, there isn't time.
74
00:04:24,447 --> 00:04:29,760
We are Z101 and Z102, restricted view.
75
00:04:29,807 --> 00:04:34,642
We've got A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, j...
76
00:04:34,687 --> 00:04:37,759
All the way up there.
I think I'm going to have to carry you up.
77
00:04:37,807 --> 00:04:40,241
Like when we went to see Balamory Live.
78
00:04:40,287 --> 00:04:43,120
Yes, that is gonna be quite a kerfuffle
getting you up there.
79
00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:44,964
And quite a kerfuffle getting you down.
80
00:04:45,007 --> 00:04:49,603
We should have the St john's Ambulance
on standby, that would be the wisest thing.
81
00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:53,485
Righty-ho, no time like the old present.
82
00:04:54,087 --> 00:04:57,875
- Oh, you've got some sweets.
- Yeah, I know.
83
00:04:57,927 --> 00:04:59,963
- Cheerio!
- (Cheering)
84
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:08,042
Britainl Britainl Britainl
85
00:05:08,087 --> 00:05:13,480
The best goddarn, cotton-pickin',
rootin'-tootin' country in the world.
86
00:05:13,527 --> 00:05:16,166
Yee-hahl
87
00:05:16,207 --> 00:05:19,358
But how was this great land created?
88
00:05:19,407 --> 00:05:22,683
Well, Spain had a party.
89
00:05:22,727 --> 00:05:26,356
Poland had sex with Belgium
in the upstairs loo.
90
00:05:26,407 --> 00:05:31,242
And nine months later, Britain was born.
91
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:35,439
And what a fandabi-double-dozi
country it is.
92
00:05:35,487 --> 00:05:38,559
But what makes this country so quite nice?
93
00:05:38,607 --> 00:05:41,997
Why, it's the people of Britain.
94
00:05:42,047 --> 00:05:44,003
The men, the women,
95
00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:48,563
and the tree people, who populate
this caramel-centred isle.
96
00:05:48,607 --> 00:05:53,044
And it is them ones what we look at
over the next seven hours.
97
00:05:53,087 --> 00:05:56,204
So sit back, relax,
98
00:05:56,247 --> 00:05:58,920
and enjoy Little Britain...
99
00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:00,958
Livel
100
00:06:03,087 --> 00:06:08,241
We begin our journey in the delightful
seaside town of Oldhaven,
101
00:06:08,287 --> 00:06:13,281
home of unconvincing transvestites
Emily and Florence.
102
00:06:13,327 --> 00:06:15,397
- Morning!
- Afternoon!
103
00:06:15,447 --> 00:06:18,439
- Two ladies on a bicyclette.
- Not men!
104
00:06:18,487 --> 00:06:21,126
- Definitely not men.
- Pay no heed.
105
00:06:21,167 --> 00:06:25,285
- Oh! What a delightful afternoon.
- Oh, yes, Florence.
106
00:06:25,327 --> 00:06:28,603
There's nothing I enjoy more
than cycling along the prom,
107
00:06:28,647 --> 00:06:32,083
wearing our ladies' dresses and booties
and lace gloves, and...
108
00:06:32,127 --> 00:06:33,526
shit.
109
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:37,444
I must say, I'm feeling
rather naughty today.
110
00:06:37,487 --> 00:06:40,763
What say we invite
another rough handyman round?
111
00:06:40,807 --> 00:06:44,322
Oh, no, not today, Florence,
I've got one of my heads on.
112
00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:47,803
- You go off and have your bath.
- Couldn't we just call one, Emily?
113
00:06:47,847 --> 00:06:49,917
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Very quickly.
114
00:06:49,967 --> 00:06:51,719
(Gruffly) No!
115
00:06:55,327 --> 00:07:00,526
Hello, is that the plumber? Would you
come straight round? Thank you so much.
116
00:07:00,567 --> 00:07:03,400
- (Doorbell)
- Oh! That was quick.
117
00:07:04,407 --> 00:07:07,444
What do you want,
to wait for an hour until he comes?
118
00:07:08,087 --> 00:07:10,123
Come in!
119
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:12,886
Ah! Mon-sieur le plumber.
120
00:07:12,927 --> 00:07:17,045
- Is the lady of the house in?
- Yes, that is me. I'm a lady.
121
00:07:17,087 --> 00:07:19,282
You said you had a problem
with your plumbing.
122
00:07:19,327 --> 00:07:22,205
Oh, you wicked boy!
123
00:07:22,247 --> 00:07:26,286
We must get to know each other first
before you take a look at my pipes.
124
00:07:27,007 --> 00:07:28,963
Come through to my boudoir.
125
00:07:29,007 --> 00:07:30,998
This way.
126
00:07:31,047 --> 00:07:33,561
(Laughter and applause)
127
00:07:33,607 --> 00:07:35,359
Nearly there.
128
00:07:36,087 --> 00:07:38,601
Ah, yes, do take a seat.
129
00:07:40,887 --> 00:07:43,401
So, are you courting?
130
00:07:43,447 --> 00:07:46,564
- Er, yeah, I've got a girlfriend.
- Ha!
131
00:07:46,607 --> 00:07:51,123
I bet you wish your girlfriend
was hot like me, hm?
132
00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:54,523
I bet you wish your girlfriend
was a freak like me.
133
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:56,080
- Dontcha?
- Hang on.
134
00:07:56,767 --> 00:07:58,519
Emily!
135
00:07:58,567 --> 00:08:02,765
Florence, do you mind?
I was rather hoping to be sexually violated.
136
00:08:02,807 --> 00:08:05,685
- I think I'd better go.
- Oh, you've ruined everything.
137
00:08:05,727 --> 00:08:09,879
He was about to propose.
Well, you know where we are.
138
00:08:09,927 --> 00:08:13,920
Yeah, thanks.
By the way, I do like your dress.
139
00:08:13,967 --> 00:08:16,640
- Do you?
- Yeah, you look lovely.
140
00:08:16,687 --> 00:08:18,962
Oh, he said I look lovely.
141
00:08:19,007 --> 00:08:20,998
(Giggles)
142
00:08:25,607 --> 00:08:27,404
- You all right?
- That's got it, yeah.
143
00:08:27,447 --> 00:08:30,200
just flob it out. Good man.
144
00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:33,080
- Pardonnez-moi.
- Look, guys, it's all right.
145
00:08:33,127 --> 00:08:35,004
- I know the game.
- I'm sorry?
146
00:08:35,047 --> 00:08:37,925
Well, I like to wear women's clothes
now and again.
147
00:08:37,967 --> 00:08:40,003
I'm wearing some now.
What do you reckon?
148
00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:51,203
If you enjoy waiting in airports for 18 hours,
149
00:08:51,247 --> 00:08:56,401
contracting food poisoning and having
meaningless sex with a filthy foreigner,
150
00:08:56,447 --> 00:08:58,802
then why not go on holiday?
151
00:08:59,447 --> 00:09:01,438
(Cheering)
152
00:09:06,287 --> 00:09:08,278
(Shop bell)
153
00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:12,120
- Hello.
- Hello. Welcome to Sun Seekers.
154
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:15,079
- My name is Carol.
- Hi, Carol.
155
00:09:15,127 --> 00:09:18,164
- Do you want a coffee?
- No, I'm all right, thanks.
156
00:09:18,207 --> 00:09:20,846
Sue, can I have no coffees, please?
157
00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:25,404
Do you want anything?
Like a Sun Seekers lolly?
158
00:09:25,447 --> 00:09:27,915
Oh, yes, she would. Thank you.
159
00:09:28,687 --> 00:09:30,484
Haven't got any.
160
00:09:31,367 --> 00:09:33,722
I ate 'em all!
161
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:40,115
Now, Rachel hasn't been very well recently.
In fact she's just come out of hospital.
162
00:09:42,527 --> 00:09:45,678
So I promised her a trip to Disney World
for Christmas.
163
00:09:45,727 --> 00:09:49,436
- Right...
- She wants to meet Mickey Mouse, don't you?
164
00:09:50,247 --> 00:09:52,363
It'll just be a man in a suit.
165
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:56,445
But it that's what you want.
166
00:09:56,487 --> 00:09:58,443
So you need flights to Florida.
167
00:10:12,007 --> 00:10:14,521
Computer says no.
168
00:10:15,207 --> 00:10:17,323
All the flights are booked?
169
00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:20,635
I can get you some seats
on Air Zimbabwe.
170
00:10:21,607 --> 00:10:23,677
Well, I'm sure that would be OK.
171
00:10:23,727 --> 00:10:25,922
To Zimbabwe.
172
00:10:25,967 --> 00:10:28,845
You would then need to make your way
to Disney World on foot.
173
00:10:31,007 --> 00:10:33,396
Maybe not.
174
00:10:33,447 --> 00:10:35,961
- Does it have to be Disney World?
- What do you mean?
175
00:10:36,007 --> 00:10:37,998
I could do you a week in PC World.
176
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,365
No, thank you.
177
00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:45,516
- Got a flight to Miami.
- Oh, that could work.
178
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:49,116
It leaves in ten minutes.
If you run, you might just catch it.
179
00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:51,317
Obviously not.
180
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:56,279
- Got a flight to Preston.
- No.
181
00:10:56,327 --> 00:10:58,761
- (Cheering)
- It's a shithole!
182
00:11:00,287 --> 00:11:02,278
(Applause)
183
00:11:06,047 --> 00:11:09,323
So, there's no flights at all to Florida?
184
00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:11,437
Computer says no.
185
00:11:11,967 --> 00:11:14,003
You didn't even type anything in that time.
186
00:11:18,447 --> 00:11:20,961
Computer says no!
187
00:11:21,007 --> 00:11:24,841
Well, is there anywhere else fun
we could go, like Disney World?
188
00:11:25,247 --> 00:11:26,805
Boots.
189
00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:31,203
- Come along, Rachel.
- Oh, hang on a sec, hang on a sec.
190
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,239
(Coughs)
191
00:11:36,847 --> 00:11:38,405
Little girl!
192
00:11:38,847 --> 00:11:40,246
Mm?
193
00:11:44,807 --> 00:11:46,798
(Applause)
194
00:11:58,167 --> 00:12:00,158
(Phone)
195
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:09,960
(Shop bell)
196
00:12:25,127 --> 00:12:27,402
(Laughter)
197
00:12:47,327 --> 00:12:49,318
Oh, for fuck's sake!
198
00:13:02,967 --> 00:13:04,366
I would like to book...
199
00:13:04,407 --> 00:13:05,601
We're closed.
200
00:13:10,287 --> 00:13:15,680
Hospitals in Britain are where people go
to contract the popular superbug MRSA.
201
00:13:17,847 --> 00:13:20,839
Here at St Christ's Hospital, Bruise,
202
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:24,516
Dudley Punt is waiting for a visit from his wife.
203
00:13:24,567 --> 00:13:27,525
- Mr Punt, your wife's here to see you.
- Thank you.
204
00:13:27,567 --> 00:13:29,398
About bloody time.
205
00:13:29,447 --> 00:13:31,756
Hello, Mr Dudwey.
206
00:13:32,527 --> 00:13:35,325
(Wolf-whistles)
207
00:13:38,407 --> 00:13:40,523
Hello, Ting Tong. I'm starving.
208
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:43,365
- Did you bring some Thai food?
- Yes, Mr Dudwey.
209
00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:50,765
- That's Typhoo.
- Yes.
210
00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:53,765
Oh, Thai food!
211
00:13:53,807 --> 00:13:57,197
Sorry, Mr Dudwey,
I thought you said Typhoo!
212
00:13:57,247 --> 00:14:02,605
Oh, Mr Dudwey, your accent so funny,
I can't always understand what you saying!
213
00:14:02,647 --> 00:14:05,923
- How your leg today? All right?
- Ow, it still hurts!
214
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:08,925
You shouldn't have been so clumsy,
Mr Dudwey.
215
00:14:08,967 --> 00:14:13,165
If your cousin hadn't been sleeping in
the hallway, I wouldn't have tripped over him.
216
00:14:13,207 --> 00:14:15,641
Where else is Wing Wong supposed to stay?
217
00:14:15,687 --> 00:14:18,076
In the lounge we got Ping Pong,
the bathroom, Ling Long,
218
00:14:18,127 --> 00:14:22,166
in the kitchen we've got Ding Dong,
in the guestroom, we've got Dave.
219
00:14:22,207 --> 00:14:25,165
- Dave?
- Yeah, Dave Macadangdang.
220
00:14:25,687 --> 00:14:28,485
I want them all out by the time
I get home, do you hear?
221
00:14:28,527 --> 00:14:32,281
Don't worry, Mr Dudwey,
they only stay for few year.
222
00:14:32,327 --> 00:14:36,286
- No...
- You little bit stressed up, in't you?
223
00:14:36,327 --> 00:14:41,447
Let Ting Tong Macadangdang soothe you
with relaxing Thai song.
224
00:14:42,407 --> 00:14:45,046
(Screeches)
225
00:15:02,807 --> 00:15:05,719
Let do the timewarp again
226
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:09,362
- (Applause)
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
227
00:15:13,727 --> 00:15:18,881
- That has just made things worse.
- I know what relax you, Mr Dudwey.
228
00:15:18,927 --> 00:15:22,522
- Ancient Thai massage.
- That's more like it.
229
00:15:25,807 --> 00:15:28,162
- Not here!
- Ting Tong?
230
00:15:28,207 --> 00:15:31,995
Hello, Mr Alfred, I did not see you there.
231
00:15:32,047 --> 00:15:34,607
- You know her?
- Know her? I'm married to her.
232
00:15:35,327 --> 00:15:38,524
- What?
- Sorry, Mr Dudwey, I forgot to tell you.
233
00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:41,206
- I'm married to this man also.
- What?
234
00:15:41,247 --> 00:15:44,603
And to the man down there
with the glasses. You all right?
235
00:15:44,647 --> 00:15:47,445
Come see me later, I show you good time.
236
00:15:48,807 --> 00:15:50,638
Get out! Get out!
237
00:15:50,687 --> 00:15:53,076
Sorry, Mr Dudwey, I was gonna tell you.
238
00:15:53,127 --> 00:15:55,561
- When?
- After you die.
239
00:15:55,607 --> 00:15:58,360
- You jezebel.
- Please forgive me, Mr Dudwey.
240
00:15:58,407 --> 00:16:01,763
Please, Mr Dudwey, forgive me!
Forgive me! Please!
241
00:16:01,807 --> 00:16:04,765
Oh, please, please, please! Please!
242
00:16:07,927 --> 00:16:10,487
Maybe we should give it one more go, hmm?
243
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:18,085
It's half past telly and in this jeweller's
in Little Gumbo,
244
00:16:18,127 --> 00:16:21,563
a shameless double entendre
is about to take place.
245
00:16:22,327 --> 00:16:25,763
Yes, and you say it's your 30th anniversary?
246
00:16:26,687 --> 00:16:29,963
Well, may I suggest you give your wife
a pearl necklace?
247
00:16:31,127 --> 00:16:35,837
Seeing little white beads glistening on her chest
will give you so much pleasure.
248
00:16:36,887 --> 00:16:39,606
Oh, go on, sir, splash out on her!
249
00:16:40,727 --> 00:16:43,287
- Goodbye.
- (Shop bell)
250
00:16:43,327 --> 00:16:45,966
Ah, good afternoon. How can I help you?
251
00:16:46,007 --> 00:16:47,599
Good after...
252
00:16:47,647 --> 00:16:50,400
(Applause)
253
00:16:52,207 --> 00:16:54,596
Eyes.
254
00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:59,357
Good afternoon, yes. I should like
to purchase an engagement ring, please,
255
00:16:59,407 --> 00:17:03,286
for my beautiful fianc�e,
standing just a couple of paces to my left.
256
00:17:03,327 --> 00:17:07,400
Congratulations.
I believe I have just the thing.
257
00:17:07,447 --> 00:17:10,086
Oh! Oh, it's stunning.
258
00:17:10,127 --> 00:17:13,005
- The diamond's beautiful. May I?
- Oh, go ahead.
259
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,682
- Fits perfectly.
- How much is this?
260
00:17:17,727 --> 00:17:19,638
L5,000, sir.
261
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:25,799
Look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes,
not around the eyes, look into my eyes.
262
00:17:25,847 --> 00:17:29,920
You're under. Look, love, you're not Mariah
Carey, you're a sales rep from Croydon.
263
00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:34,119
There's no way I'm coughing up five grand
on an engagement ring just for you.
264
00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:37,364
Yeah, if you were prettier
and had bigger tits, sure,
265
00:17:37,407 --> 00:17:41,082
I'd be straight on the phone
to Ocean Finance, but you're not.
266
00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:43,925
So three, two, one, you're back in the room.
267
00:17:43,967 --> 00:17:46,242
Actually, I think it's a big over-the-top.
268
00:17:46,287 --> 00:17:48,278
- Yeah.
- This might be better.
269
00:17:48,327 --> 00:17:52,002
Yeah. Have you got one of those
without the diamond?
270
00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:56,245
May I have a word, sir? An engagement ring
isn't something that should be...
271
00:17:56,287 --> 00:18:00,997
Look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes,
not around the eyes, look into my eyes.
272
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,844
You're under. Listen, mush.
273
00:18:02,887 --> 00:18:07,438
When I click my fingers, I want you to sell
me a ring so cheap, it gives her a rash.
274
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,047
Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
275
00:18:10,087 --> 00:18:14,797
Erm, madam, can I show you our budget range?
These are all under L20.
276
00:18:14,847 --> 00:18:18,362
- Excellent.
- They're not quite as nice, are they?
277
00:18:18,407 --> 00:18:20,921
No, madam, in fact I wouldn't recommend them.
278
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:26,087
Look into my eyes, the eyes, you're under.
An expensive ring wouldn't suit her.
279
00:18:26,127 --> 00:18:30,518
Look at her, she's so plain, I have to have
sex with her from behind. Hold the thought.
280
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:33,445
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes.
You're under.
281
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:38,402
Forget about that ring. And the honeymoon's
not in Barbados, it's in Fleetwood.
282
00:18:38,447 --> 00:18:42,679
Hold the thought.
Look into my eyes, you're under.
283
00:18:42,727 --> 00:18:45,639
During the interval, you will head down
to the merchandising stand
284
00:18:45,687 --> 00:18:47,723
and purchase a Kenny Craig t-shirt.
285
00:18:47,767 --> 00:18:52,204
They've not been selling as well as I'd hoped
and are currently selling in all sizes.
286
00:18:52,247 --> 00:18:55,637
You're back in the auditorium.
You're back in the room.
287
00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:01,438
This is lovely. How much is it?
288
00:19:01,487 --> 00:19:03,717
- It's 9.99.
- We got there!
289
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:08,522
Thanks. Oh, those earrings are beautiful.
I would love a pair of those.
290
00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:11,525
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes.
You have no ears!
291
00:19:12,887 --> 00:19:16,323
- Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
- Pardon?
292
00:19:16,367 --> 00:19:18,562
For God's sake, come on. Thank you.
293
00:19:22,567 --> 00:19:25,081
Britain is made up of five countries.
294
00:19:25,127 --> 00:19:28,324
England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales...
295
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:29,880
and Barbara.
296
00:19:29,927 --> 00:19:32,964
But it is Scotland that we visit now.
297
00:19:33,007 --> 00:19:37,603
Deep in the Low Highlands
lies this charming hostelry.
298
00:19:38,647 --> 00:19:40,763
Oh... Mr McCooney.
299
00:19:42,727 --> 00:19:45,560
- Mr McCooney!
- Yes?
300
00:19:45,607 --> 00:19:47,245
(Cheering)
301
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:50,165
Hello, fans! Yes, I'm back!
302
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:56,558
- Mr McCooney.
- Do excuse me.
303
00:19:56,607 --> 00:19:58,404
I must attend to a guest.
304
00:20:01,927 --> 00:20:04,157
- Yes?
- At last!
305
00:20:04,207 --> 00:20:07,119
- (Phone)
- Look, I have to get out of here quickly.
306
00:20:07,167 --> 00:20:09,601
What devilment is this?
307
00:20:09,647 --> 00:20:13,606
- Well, it's the phone.
- Ah, yes, the sprites are calling.
308
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:17,037
Are they for ye? Are they for me?
We shall never know.
309
00:20:20,967 --> 00:20:23,037
Oh, just answer it, man.
310
00:20:25,527 --> 00:20:28,564
Hark, Squire McCooney. Yes!
311
00:20:28,607 --> 00:20:33,283
When the cock doth crow and wee jack Frost
makes merry with his dance,
312
00:20:33,327 --> 00:20:35,761
I shall conjure thee from thy slumber.
313
00:20:37,407 --> 00:20:40,001
Wake-up call, room six, 8:00.
314
00:20:40,047 --> 00:20:44,802
- Look. I have a flight. I need to pay my bill.
- Yes, I have it right here.
315
00:20:44,847 --> 00:20:48,317
- I trust everything is in order.
- I just need to check.
316
00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:52,485
While you do, I shall provide thee
with some soothing tones.
317
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:57,201
(Taped Highland jig)
318
00:20:58,287 --> 00:20:59,686
Look, enough.
319
00:21:00,127 --> 00:21:01,765
Thank you.
320
00:21:05,727 --> 00:21:07,558
(Fiddle plays)
321
00:21:12,247 --> 00:21:14,238
(Fiddle)
322
00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:18,841
- This bill seems rather a lot. What's this?
- Erm...
323
00:21:18,887 --> 00:21:20,878
Let me just put my glasses on.
324
00:21:22,927 --> 00:21:27,000
You called upon the spirits to carry forth
words through the air.
325
00:21:27,047 --> 00:21:30,039
Remembering first to dial 9
for an ootside line.
326
00:21:30,087 --> 00:21:32,362
- What's that?
- Ye made a phone call.
327
00:21:32,407 --> 00:21:35,365
- What's this, then?
- Partook of a measure
328
00:21:35,407 --> 00:21:39,161
of Apothecary Schweppes's
magical bubble potion.
329
00:21:39,207 --> 00:21:43,644
- Oh, yes, I had a lemonade.
- Ye know too much.
330
00:21:44,927 --> 00:21:49,364
And did ye procure anything else
from the miniaturised in-room alehouse?
331
00:21:49,407 --> 00:21:52,001
- (Swanee whistle)
- The what?
332
00:21:52,047 --> 00:21:54,277
The mini bar!
333
00:21:54,327 --> 00:21:56,602
Er, yes, a packet of Pringles.
334
00:21:56,647 --> 00:21:59,480
What is this devilmentry of which ye speak?
335
00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,643
Pringles, the crisps in the red tube.
336
00:22:01,687 --> 00:22:03,643
Ah, yes.
337
00:22:03,687 --> 00:22:05,757
Once ye pop,
338
00:22:05,807 --> 00:22:07,604
ye cannae stop.
339
00:22:08,367 --> 00:22:11,882
Ye cannae stop! Ye cannae stop!
340
00:22:12,527 --> 00:22:18,159
- Ye cannae stop!
- (Thunder and lightning)
341
00:22:19,607 --> 00:22:26,319
Apart from the sour cream and onion flavour,
which I find a trifle bland!
342
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:33,361
- (Applause)
- All right, then.
343
00:22:33,407 --> 00:22:35,204
- What's this thing here?
- Oh!
344
00:22:35,247 --> 00:22:40,002
Spied upon unbeclothed lady sprites
on the electric telebox,
345
00:22:40,047 --> 00:22:42,766
whilst a-playing with ye magic wand.
346
00:22:42,807 --> 00:22:45,526
Yes, I think we know what that is.
347
00:22:45,567 --> 00:22:47,364
Yes.
348
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:49,523
(Countdown tune)
349
00:22:57,607 --> 00:23:00,599
At this comprehensive school in Darkly Noon,
350
00:23:00,647 --> 00:23:05,767
the pupils have taken time out from
happy-slapping to go to assembly.
351
00:23:05,807 --> 00:23:08,037
( Piano... All Creatures Great And Small)
352
00:23:15,367 --> 00:23:19,679
Thank you, Miss Posner. Right. Settle down.
353
00:23:19,727 --> 00:23:25,484
- Today's assembly will be taken by Mr Collier.
- Thanks, Steve!
354
00:23:25,527 --> 00:23:32,603
Hiya, gang. Now, for today's assembly,
I've arranged something a little bit special.
355
00:23:32,647 --> 00:23:36,959
What I've done is,
I've invited a former pupil along here today
356
00:23:37,007 --> 00:23:40,363
to come and talk to you guys
357
00:23:40,407 --> 00:23:42,443
about her experiences.
358
00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:46,719
Now, she used to be a bit of a tearaway.
359
00:23:46,767 --> 00:23:49,201
But she's turned her life around.
360
00:23:49,247 --> 00:23:54,924
And I think her story
is gonna be an inspiration to all of us.
361
00:23:54,967 --> 00:23:58,721
So, please, a very warm welcome
for Victoria Pollard.
362
00:23:58,767 --> 00:24:01,679
(Cheering)
363
00:24:10,527 --> 00:24:15,442
- Er, a lot of babies, Vicky. They all yours?
- Yeah, I got six kids by seven different men.
364
00:24:15,487 --> 00:24:16,761
(Laughter)
365
00:24:16,807 --> 00:24:19,526
Don't go givin' me evils!
366
00:24:19,567 --> 00:24:23,003
Yeah, I see you down Grange Park
with your fanny out!
367
00:24:23,047 --> 00:24:25,402
(Laughter and applause)
368
00:24:35,967 --> 00:24:39,277
- Interesting start. OK.
- (Laughter continues)
369
00:24:43,807 --> 00:24:47,766
OK, first of all, thanks ever so much
for coming along here today.
370
00:24:47,807 --> 00:24:52,756
- You were supposed to be here last week.
- No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.
371
00:24:52,807 --> 00:24:55,446
This thing happened
what I don't know nothing about.
372
00:24:55,487 --> 00:25:00,083
Because I was gonna come last week
but I never cos I had to go down Broadmeads
373
00:25:00,127 --> 00:25:02,641
because I had an audition for
X Factor, yeah.
374
00:25:02,687 --> 00:25:05,520
I done really well cos I got through
to the last 100,000.
375
00:25:05,567 --> 00:25:07,285
I sung this song that was like...
376
00:25:07,327 --> 00:25:12,879
You raise me up
or something or nothing... Yeah!
377
00:25:12,927 --> 00:25:17,045
I was amazing but then Louis Walsh said
I was a bargain-basement Kerry McFadden.
378
00:25:17,087 --> 00:25:20,318
I was like, ''I can't believe you just said that,
Louis Walsh.
379
00:25:20,367 --> 00:25:23,677
''You are well gonna get beatings,
Louis Walsh,'' but it didn't matter
380
00:25:23,727 --> 00:25:26,116
cos I ended up doing it with Simon Cowell.
381
00:25:26,167 --> 00:25:29,443
Yeah. He was well a dirty bastard, yeah.
382
00:25:29,487 --> 00:25:32,285
I had his baby, only I can't
prove it cos it came out black.
383
00:25:34,247 --> 00:25:35,646
- Really?
- Yeah!
384
00:25:35,687 --> 00:25:37,803
I swear on Preston and Chantelle's life.
385
00:25:37,847 --> 00:25:41,965
It was one of those where you don't even
know you're pregnant till it comes out.
386
00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:44,760
I had it in the middle of Top Shop.
It was well graphic.
387
00:25:46,487 --> 00:25:50,480
OK, well, let's start at the beginning.
Now, when I first met you,
388
00:25:50,527 --> 00:25:55,555
you were a pupil at this school,
you struggled a little academically, didn't you?
389
00:25:55,607 --> 00:25:59,520
I can't read or write but it's not my fault
because I'm like, totally lexdyxlic.
390
00:25:59,567 --> 00:26:01,842
- (Laughter)
- Ooh, fuck off.
391
00:26:01,887 --> 00:26:05,800
So you started skipping lessons, or bunking off,
392
00:26:05,847 --> 00:26:08,884
and you'd go to the Broadmeads Centre
and get into trouble.
393
00:26:08,927 --> 00:26:12,237
In fact, you were arrested for shoplifting
37 times.
394
00:26:12,287 --> 00:26:15,518
No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.
395
00:26:15,567 --> 00:26:18,479
What happened was something
what I don't know nothing about.
396
00:26:18,527 --> 00:26:21,280
I did shoplift
but I didn't shoplift, but I did shoplift,
397
00:26:21,327 --> 00:26:23,966
but I did shoplift, but I didn't shoplift,
but I did,
398
00:26:24,007 --> 00:26:27,044
but this whole thing happened
because you know Trish?
399
00:26:28,607 --> 00:26:30,245
- No.
- Trish!
400
00:26:30,287 --> 00:26:31,879
Trish. Trish.
401
00:26:32,487 --> 00:26:34,443
Trish. Michelle and Trish.
402
00:26:34,487 --> 00:26:39,481
Trishy. The Trishmeister. Patriciatola.
403
00:26:39,527 --> 00:26:42,678
Big Trish. Little Trish.
404
00:26:42,727 --> 00:26:44,206
(Screeches) Trish!
405
00:26:44,847 --> 00:26:47,486
- No.
- She ain't got nothing to do with it.
406
00:26:47,527 --> 00:26:50,837
just leave her out of it.
Stop getting involved!
407
00:26:50,887 --> 00:26:56,325
This other thing happened. We was all
at Paperchase sniffing highlighter pens.
408
00:26:56,367 --> 00:26:58,835
Louise Fallon came in,
who I completely hate.
409
00:26:58,887 --> 00:27:01,606
She wrote in the bogs
I gave Craig Herman a hand job.
410
00:27:01,647 --> 00:27:04,923
She was well out of order to do that.
I would so never do that.
411
00:27:04,967 --> 00:27:08,039
- It was actually a blowie.
- Right.
412
00:27:08,087 --> 00:27:10,806
Yeah, but then this whole other thing happened,
413
00:27:10,847 --> 00:27:16,444
because we was all at McDonalds because
jade fancies this bloke there, Lee Cherry.
414
00:27:16,487 --> 00:27:19,797
He used to go to this school
and he's done the best out of his year
415
00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,486
because he's got two stars
on his name badge, yeah.
416
00:27:22,527 --> 00:27:25,837
One for slicing gherkins
and the other for mopping up piss.
417
00:27:25,887 --> 00:27:28,606
Shanita told Lee that jade really fancied him,
418
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:32,686
then jade took Lee round the back of the fryers
and showed him her Egg McMuffins.
419
00:27:32,727 --> 00:27:37,198
- And it was around this time...
- What you looking at, bitch?
420
00:27:37,247 --> 00:27:42,685
I remember you. You used to teach me
shemistry, or something.
421
00:27:42,727 --> 00:27:45,366
Oh, my God, you had well better watch her.
422
00:27:45,407 --> 00:27:48,319
She is such a lez.
She will well try and gay you up.
423
00:27:48,367 --> 00:27:51,643
Cos one time, this whole thing happened,
or something or nothing.
424
00:27:51,687 --> 00:27:54,759
We was all in PE
and we was playing Murder Ball.
425
00:27:54,807 --> 00:27:57,196
I threw the ball at Michaela Conway's head.
426
00:27:57,247 --> 00:28:00,444
As a joke! And it like,
completely broke her face.
427
00:28:00,487 --> 00:28:04,605
Afterwards, we was all in the showers
and she came in to tell me off
428
00:28:04,647 --> 00:28:07,684
and she spent the whole time
totally staring at my Dawson's Creek.
429
00:28:09,647 --> 00:28:13,560
Yes, we have had a few complaints about that.
430
00:28:13,607 --> 00:28:15,279
Now, it was around this time
431
00:28:15,327 --> 00:28:18,558
you were summoned to court and given
Anti-Social Behaviour Orders.
432
00:28:18,607 --> 00:28:21,167
Yeah, I'm like, ASBOtastic!
433
00:28:21,807 --> 00:28:24,958
You went to Borstal and even in Borstal,
you got into trouble.
434
00:28:25,007 --> 00:28:31,765
No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.
No, but yeah, but no, but yeah!
435
00:28:31,807 --> 00:28:37,484
(Changes voices) No, but yeah, but no,
but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.
436
00:28:37,527 --> 00:28:40,325
(Speeds up)
Yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but...
437
00:28:40,367 --> 00:28:42,278
(Slows down) But yeah...
438
00:28:43,167 --> 00:28:44,964
But no, but yeah, but no, but yeah
439
00:28:45,007 --> 00:28:49,922
(Starts to sing)
But no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no
440
00:28:49,967 --> 00:28:54,995
Come on! No, but yeah, but no, but yeah,
but, no but yeah but no but yeah but
441
00:28:55,927 --> 00:28:56,996
No?
442
00:28:57,047 --> 00:29:00,676
But yeah. Mais non, mais oui.
443
00:29:00,727 --> 00:29:04,720
Aber nein, aber ja.
(Northern accent) But no, but yeah.
444
00:29:04,767 --> 00:29:07,486
Oh, my God, but something happened
because one time,
445
00:29:07,527 --> 00:29:11,076
we was all round the back of the dorms
and Colleen McGovern was there.
446
00:29:11,127 --> 00:29:15,803
She's got a nut allergy. I gave her a peanut
Revel, only I told her it was a coffee one.
447
00:29:15,847 --> 00:29:20,762
She ate it and nearly died. And she had to go
to hospital. She well blamed me for it.
448
00:29:20,807 --> 00:29:23,844
I'm like, ''It's not my fault you're so gay,
you can't eat a peanut.''
449
00:29:25,007 --> 00:29:30,127
A lesson for us all, I feel.
So what can we take away from today?
450
00:29:30,167 --> 00:29:31,964
Well, I think a message of hope,
451
00:29:32,007 --> 00:29:34,805
because this young lady
has turned her life around.
452
00:29:34,847 --> 00:29:36,997
You're at college doing a BTEC in?
453
00:29:37,047 --> 00:29:39,402
Hollyoaks.
454
00:29:39,447 --> 00:29:41,438
Hollyoaks. And do you enjoy college?
455
00:29:41,487 --> 00:29:46,242
Oh, my God, it's like a total doss,
cos we never even go into lessons, anyway.
456
00:29:46,287 --> 00:29:49,120
Last week, we all skived off
to go down Weston-Super-Mare
457
00:29:49,167 --> 00:29:53,479
to the T4 Party On The Beach
because I really, really wanted to meet McFly.
458
00:29:53,527 --> 00:29:57,202
- And did you?
- No, I just got fingered by Darius.
459
00:29:57,247 --> 00:30:02,162
- Thank you very much, Victoria Pollard.
- Don't go givin' me evils!
460
00:30:07,207 --> 00:30:10,836
Poor people in Britain -
or vermin, as they are known -
461
00:30:10,887 --> 00:30:12,878
cannot afford trips abroad.
462
00:30:12,927 --> 00:30:16,886
And so they are rounded up,
put on National Express coaches,
463
00:30:16,927 --> 00:30:20,283
and sent to holiday camps, like this one.
464
00:30:20,327 --> 00:30:24,445
- (Children) Hello, Uncle Des.
- Hello, gang, you all right?
465
00:30:24,487 --> 00:30:26,955
Come on, then! Everybody!
466
00:30:27,007 --> 00:30:29,077
Climb on board the fun bus
467
00:30:29,127 --> 00:30:31,482
Come on and take a ride
468
00:30:31,527 --> 00:30:33,677
It's Uncle Des's fun bus
469
00:30:33,727 --> 00:30:35,718
Always room for a little one inside
470
00:30:35,767 --> 00:30:40,887
How you doing? You all right?
Who would like a lolly?
471
00:30:40,927 --> 00:30:44,681
Where do I hear a wicky-woo?
Where have we got a wicky-woo?
472
00:30:44,727 --> 00:30:48,436
Wicky-woo over there.
A couple of wicky-woo fans over there!
473
00:30:48,487 --> 00:30:50,876
I've gotta hear your wicky-woos.
474
00:30:50,927 --> 00:30:53,122
Over there. Lollies over there.
475
00:30:53,167 --> 00:30:57,365
Yeah. Lollies. Yeah, lollies. Yeah? Lollies.
476
00:30:57,407 --> 00:31:00,444
It's all you want from innit, bloody lollies!
477
00:31:00,487 --> 00:31:01,636
(Laughter)
478
00:31:01,687 --> 00:31:04,076
Keep it together, Des.
479
00:31:05,167 --> 00:31:08,000
OK, I have a funny joke for you. Knock, knock.
480
00:31:08,047 --> 00:31:11,084
- (All) Who's there?
- Wicky.
481
00:31:11,127 --> 00:31:14,085
- Wicky who?
- Wicky-woo, it's me, Des Kaye.
482
00:31:14,127 --> 00:31:17,324
Let me in. I don't want to hurt you.
483
00:31:18,687 --> 00:31:25,286
Right. Now, we are going to play a game
tonight called Hide The Sausage.
484
00:31:26,327 --> 00:31:29,046
What I need is two contestants.
485
00:31:29,087 --> 00:31:33,683
I need one little boy. And one little... boy.
486
00:31:33,727 --> 00:31:38,881
So, who would like to play
Hide The Sausage with me tonight?
487
00:31:38,927 --> 00:31:41,805
Where are my lucky boys a-lurking?
488
00:31:41,847 --> 00:31:45,157
I think I see my first lucky boy
right here please.
489
00:31:45,207 --> 00:31:48,643
Up onto the stage, my friend.
Squeeze through. There we are.
490
00:31:48,687 --> 00:31:52,316
Up you get onto the stage.
And my second lucky boy is right here.
491
00:31:52,367 --> 00:31:54,756
A round of applause for our contestants.
492
00:31:54,807 --> 00:31:57,401
Come on, you. Come on, you.
493
00:31:57,447 --> 00:32:02,237
Eh? Come on, up you go.
Onto the stage, come on.
494
00:32:02,287 --> 00:32:06,075
Eh? Come on, you. Eh? Eh?
495
00:32:06,127 --> 00:32:10,917
There we are. There we are. Yes...
496
00:32:12,527 --> 00:32:14,722
Mmm... Hello, there!
497
00:32:14,767 --> 00:32:16,359
Hello, there.
498
00:32:16,407 --> 00:32:18,716
- Lovely skin.
- I try.
499
00:32:18,767 --> 00:32:21,406
Yes, it's beautiful. You must moisturise.
500
00:32:21,447 --> 00:32:24,883
- And, um, your name is?
- jamie.
501
00:32:24,927 --> 00:32:27,839
- jamie. How old are you, jamie?
- 25.
502
00:32:27,887 --> 00:32:29,878
He's a big boy, in't he?
503
00:32:30,327 --> 00:32:31,965
And, er... Oh, God, yes.
504
00:32:32,007 --> 00:32:33,884
And, um...
505
00:32:33,927 --> 00:32:37,442
- Whereabouts are you from, jamie?
- Blackpool.
506
00:32:37,487 --> 00:32:41,002
- (Cheering)
- Mmm, that's do-able.
507
00:32:42,207 --> 00:32:44,641
Very do-able, yes.
508
00:32:44,687 --> 00:32:48,441
Come on, jamie, relax. Yeah?
509
00:32:48,487 --> 00:32:50,682
You're with your Uncle Des.
510
00:32:50,727 --> 00:32:53,639
See? He's nice, in't he? Eh?
511
00:32:55,407 --> 00:32:56,999
You relaxed now, jamie?
512
00:32:57,047 --> 00:33:00,198
OK, well, tell me this, jamie.
513
00:33:00,247 --> 00:33:04,843
Don't act the giddy goat. Tell me this.
Do you have a favourite colour?
514
00:33:04,887 --> 00:33:07,685
- Purple.
- Oh!
515
00:33:07,727 --> 00:33:09,126
I like pink.
516
00:33:09,967 --> 00:33:12,686
But sometimes I go for brown. So...
517
00:33:13,567 --> 00:33:16,035
Come on, jamie!
518
00:33:16,087 --> 00:33:18,078
What's the worst that could happen?
519
00:33:18,727 --> 00:33:21,321
It's going to happen.
520
00:33:21,367 --> 00:33:23,198
OK, and your name is?
521
00:33:23,247 --> 00:33:24,236
Graham.
522
00:33:24,287 --> 00:33:26,118
OK, so...
523
00:33:26,167 --> 00:33:28,158
It's time to play Hide The Sausage.
524
00:33:28,207 --> 00:33:32,803
Now, I have a sausage here,
and I'd like one of you two to hide it...
525
00:33:32,847 --> 00:33:36,283
Ooh, your face has lit up, hasn't it?
526
00:33:36,327 --> 00:33:41,003
I want one of you two to hide it upon
your person but don't tell me who's got it.
527
00:33:41,047 --> 00:33:43,481
So you put your hand out, jamie, to take it.
528
00:33:43,527 --> 00:33:46,200
Are you looking forward to it? Yes?
529
00:33:46,247 --> 00:33:50,445
Here it comes.
Feels nice, doesn't it, jamie? Eh?
530
00:33:50,487 --> 00:33:52,921
You ever tried with two hands, jamie?
531
00:33:52,967 --> 00:33:56,721
Like that. just like the real thing,
in't it, jamie, eh?
532
00:33:56,767 --> 00:33:58,723
OK, you know what you've got to do.
533
00:33:58,767 --> 00:34:02,840
Hide the sausage somewhere upon
your person. Don't tell me who's got it.
534
00:34:02,887 --> 00:34:04,718
So you're hiding the sausage.
535
00:34:04,767 --> 00:34:08,362
Have you hidden the sausage?
Is the sausage hidden?
536
00:34:14,487 --> 00:34:17,285
OK, now it's time to Find The Sausage.
537
00:34:17,327 --> 00:34:19,636
OK, is it over here? Probably not.
538
00:34:19,687 --> 00:34:21,757
Has jamie got it?
Is it here? We don't know.
539
00:34:21,807 --> 00:34:26,244
Is it? Probably not. Has jamie got it?
Is it up there? We don't know.
540
00:34:26,287 --> 00:34:30,166
Is it? Probably not.
Is it down there? Has jamie got it?
541
00:34:30,207 --> 00:34:32,323
Is it? Probably not.
542
00:34:32,367 --> 00:34:36,246
Hey, give it to me, jamie! Give it to me!
Give me the sausage!
543
00:34:36,287 --> 00:34:38,642
Give it to me! Give me the sausage!
544
00:34:38,687 --> 00:34:40,962
Give me the sausage! Give it to me!
545
00:34:41,007 --> 00:34:43,805
Give me the sausage!
Give me the sausage!
546
00:34:43,847 --> 00:34:45,075
- (Klaxon)
- Oh!
547
00:34:45,127 --> 00:34:48,005
Oh, dear, we're out of time.
548
00:34:48,047 --> 00:34:50,436
Oh, dear, I'm sorry, jamie, I'm sorry.
549
00:34:51,167 --> 00:34:53,203
I accidentally kissed you. I'm sorry.
550
00:34:53,247 --> 00:34:54,965
Up you get. Come on.
551
00:34:55,007 --> 00:34:57,316
(Laughter and applause)
552
00:35:01,327 --> 00:35:02,476
OK.
553
00:35:03,527 --> 00:35:05,006
OK.
554
00:35:05,847 --> 00:35:09,078
They liked that, jamie, didn't they?
555
00:35:09,127 --> 00:35:11,721
OK, who had the sausage? Who had it?
556
00:35:11,767 --> 00:35:14,918
Did you have the sausage?
Did you have the sausage?
557
00:35:15,967 --> 00:35:18,481
Right, you can go, ugly boy. Go.
558
00:35:19,167 --> 00:35:20,964
Quickly, fat boy, run!
559
00:35:21,727 --> 00:35:23,479
Right!
560
00:35:24,487 --> 00:35:26,478
Oh, yes.
561
00:35:26,527 --> 00:35:31,157
You are the winner and you have won
yourself a Des Kaye fun sack.
562
00:35:31,967 --> 00:35:36,085
Oh, I've just remembered,
I've left it in my dressing room.
563
00:35:36,127 --> 00:35:39,199
You're gonna have to come backstage
with me and get it.
564
00:35:39,247 --> 00:35:42,364
See you later, folks, wicky-woo!
Come with me, jamie.
565
00:35:42,407 --> 00:35:45,558
Kiss me. Lick me.
Let's get these down! Get these down!
566
00:35:50,967 --> 00:35:55,802
Today, in Pox, the locals
are enjoying their annual village f�te.
567
00:35:59,927 --> 00:36:04,159
Good afternoon, one and all,
and welcome to the Pox village fete.
568
00:36:04,207 --> 00:36:07,165
It's wonderful to see so many of you here
this year.
569
00:36:07,207 --> 00:36:09,960
I'm delighted to be able to tell you
570
00:36:10,007 --> 00:36:13,317
that the winner of the children's
fancy-dress competition
571
00:36:13,367 --> 00:36:15,597
is eight-year-old jessica Meadows,
572
00:36:15,647 --> 00:36:17,558
who came dressed as a turd.
573
00:36:17,607 --> 00:36:20,246
(Smattering of applause)
574
00:36:28,367 --> 00:36:34,397
And now it's time to find out
who has won the cake competition.
575
00:36:34,447 --> 00:36:38,804
Will you please welcome this year's judge,
she's a real old friend of mine.
576
00:36:38,847 --> 00:36:41,645
Ms Margaret Blackamoor.
577
00:36:41,687 --> 00:36:44,485
Thank you, thank you.
578
00:36:44,527 --> 00:36:47,519
Thank you, judy. Mmm!
579
00:36:51,567 --> 00:36:54,206
Thank you so much.
580
00:36:54,247 --> 00:37:01,358
Now, it hasn't been easy this year.
There's been an unusually high standard.
581
00:37:01,407 --> 00:37:06,117
We've had some very tasty, moist,
almost wet offerings this year.
582
00:37:06,167 --> 00:37:10,319
Four cakes were entered. I managed
to whittle those down to a final three.
583
00:37:10,367 --> 00:37:15,999
I'm delighted to announce that the winner
is this charming Victoria sponge.
584
00:37:16,047 --> 00:37:20,996
Oh, yes, and it really was exquisite,
wasn't it, Maggie?
585
00:37:21,047 --> 00:37:25,199
Oh, yes, judy, let me just take a little...
Mm! Cake perfection.
586
00:37:25,247 --> 00:37:28,080
- Indeed.
- And the name of the winner, judy?
587
00:37:28,127 --> 00:37:31,119
And the name of the winner, Maggie, is...
588
00:37:32,047 --> 00:37:33,844
Oh, shit.
589
00:37:34,767 --> 00:37:37,520
Mrs Indira Patel!
590
00:37:48,127 --> 00:37:50,243
Are you all right, Maggie?
591
00:37:51,087 --> 00:37:53,760
Is there something wrong, Mrs Blackamoor?
592
00:38:02,047 --> 00:38:03,844
(Shrieking)
593
00:38:05,527 --> 00:38:07,597
Um, I must just go...
594
00:38:12,767 --> 00:38:16,726
No, Maggie, no, please.
Your old, dearest friend. Maggie!
595
00:38:47,247 --> 00:38:52,241
Hello, and welcome to the grand final
of Stars In Their Eyes.
596
00:38:52,287 --> 00:38:58,078
Now, last week, she wowed us all with her
uncanny performance as Celine Dion.
597
00:38:58,127 --> 00:39:00,118
Tonight she's back.
598
00:39:00,167 --> 00:39:02,044
Please welcome Anne.
599
00:39:03,567 --> 00:39:05,603
(Cheering)
600
00:39:12,447 --> 00:39:14,756
Anne, welcome back to the show.
601
00:39:14,807 --> 00:39:17,082
(David's normal voice) Thank you.
602
00:39:17,127 --> 00:39:21,200
Last week you were Celine Dion. This week,
you're going to be somebody different.
603
00:39:21,247 --> 00:39:23,681
So, tell us who you're going to be.
Give us your clues.
604
00:39:23,727 --> 00:39:27,402
Well, she was originally a gospel singer.
605
00:39:27,447 --> 00:39:30,996
She co-starred in the film The Bodyguard.
606
00:39:31,047 --> 00:39:35,199
And she now spends her days
off her nut on crack.
607
00:39:37,327 --> 00:39:39,887
So tell us, who are you going to be tonight?
608
00:39:39,927 --> 00:39:44,079
Tonight, Matthew,
I'm going to be Whitney Houston.
609
00:39:44,127 --> 00:39:49,281
Ladies and gentlemen, singing live,
Anne is Whitney Houston.
610
00:40:04,127 --> 00:40:06,277
( The Greatest Love Of All)
611
00:40:14,847 --> 00:40:18,840
Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh-eh!
612
00:40:18,887 --> 00:40:22,880
Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!
613
00:40:22,927 --> 00:40:27,239
Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!
614
00:40:28,367 --> 00:40:30,198
(Mouths)
615
00:40:30,247 --> 00:40:32,886
Eh-eh-eh-ehhh!
616
00:40:34,967 --> 00:40:37,481
Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh!
617
00:40:42,407 --> 00:40:45,001
Eh-eh-eh!!
618
00:40:47,247 --> 00:40:49,807
Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh!
619
00:40:53,967 --> 00:40:55,366
Eh-eh-eh!
620
00:40:59,487 --> 00:41:02,399
Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh!
621
00:41:04,127 --> 00:41:05,526
Eh-eh-eh!
622
00:41:05,887 --> 00:41:07,525
Eh-eh-eh!
623
00:41:11,967 --> 00:41:13,958
Eh-eh-eh!
624
00:41:15,327 --> 00:41:18,399
Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh! Eh-eh-eh!
625
00:41:28,607 --> 00:41:33,078
Next we meet this bank manager
who works at this bank in Kuntington.
626
00:41:35,167 --> 00:41:37,761
Spelt with a K, thank you.
627
00:41:39,007 --> 00:41:41,999
- (Intercom buzzes)
- Your 10... 00 appointment has arrived.
628
00:41:42,047 --> 00:41:44,641
- Send her through, Miss Kenton.
- Yes, Mr Purves.
629
00:41:44,687 --> 00:41:45,722
(Sighs) Oh, God.
630
00:41:45,767 --> 00:41:48,486
Hello, darlings!
631
00:41:48,527 --> 00:41:50,916
(Cheering)
632
00:41:57,207 --> 00:42:01,439
- Good afternoon, Mrs De Vere.
- Call me Bubbles, darling, everybody does.
633
00:42:01,487 --> 00:42:03,159
Would you like to take a seat?
634
00:42:03,207 --> 00:42:05,675
Oh, take a seat, huh? (Cackles)
635
00:42:05,727 --> 00:42:06,921
Oh-oh-oh
636
00:42:06,967 --> 00:42:07,956
No, no, no, no.
637
00:42:08,007 --> 00:42:09,520
Oh-oh-oh-oh
638
00:42:09,567 --> 00:42:10,556
No, no.
639
00:42:10,607 --> 00:42:14,998
- In the chair, please.
- He wants me in the chair, darlings!
640
00:42:16,047 --> 00:42:17,480
Can I offer you a drink?
641
00:42:17,527 --> 00:42:21,918
Yes, darling I'll have some champagne.
Champagne for everyone!
642
00:42:21,967 --> 00:42:24,435
No, it's just tea or coffee, I'm afraid.
643
00:42:24,487 --> 00:42:27,126
Oh. I'll have a coffee, please, darling.
644
00:42:27,167 --> 00:42:30,477
- Do you take anything in it?
- Yes, champagne!
645
00:42:30,527 --> 00:42:32,995
- Please, Mrs De Vere, take a seat.
- Yes.
646
00:42:33,047 --> 00:42:34,878
Now...
647
00:42:37,887 --> 00:42:41,516
I've asked you here because
you have been overspending on your account.
648
00:42:41,567 --> 00:42:43,558
Oh, darling, what a bore!
649
00:42:43,607 --> 00:42:49,000
And as of today, you are currently
overdrawn by L180,000.
650
00:42:49,047 --> 00:42:52,039
Well, I have very expensive tastes, darling.
651
00:42:52,087 --> 00:42:55,159
Why eat at McDonald's
when one can afford Wimpy?
652
00:42:56,087 --> 00:42:58,806
Look at me, darling, I'm a beautiful woman.
653
00:42:58,847 --> 00:43:01,441
I deserve only the finest clothes.
654
00:43:01,487 --> 00:43:04,797
Which is why I always shop at George at Asda.
655
00:43:05,927 --> 00:43:07,645
Yes, but...
656
00:43:07,687 --> 00:43:11,965
You owe the bank a lot of money, Mrs
De Vere. How do you intend to pay us back?
657
00:43:12,007 --> 00:43:14,726
- Do you have a job?
- International glamour puss.
658
00:43:15,847 --> 00:43:17,724
How will you pay us back?
659
00:43:17,767 --> 00:43:20,076
Oh, darling, this is total tediosity.
660
00:43:20,127 --> 00:43:23,642
- Why don't you put it on one of my cards?
- All right, what have we got?
661
00:43:24,687 --> 00:43:26,484
- Here.
- Thank you.
662
00:43:26,527 --> 00:43:29,724
- No, this is your Boots Advantage card.
- Ah...
663
00:43:32,447 --> 00:43:34,642
This is your Blockbuster Video card.
664
00:43:38,647 --> 00:43:40,683
This is a Polaroid of a man's penis.
665
00:43:42,007 --> 00:43:44,475
Ah, Prince Philip! Happy days!
666
00:43:44,527 --> 00:43:47,041
Please, Mrs De Vere, pay attention.
667
00:43:47,087 --> 00:43:50,443
I think the first thing we need to do
is to cut back on your spending.
668
00:43:50,487 --> 00:43:55,436
Wonderful, we've found a solution.
Let's celebrate with some champagne!
669
00:43:55,487 --> 00:43:59,196
- Champagne for everyone!
- I don't think you understand.
670
00:43:59,247 --> 00:44:01,886
- You cannot afford champagne any more.
- Ah...
671
00:44:01,927 --> 00:44:05,761
Happy Shopper Cola!
Happy Shopper Cola for everyone!
672
00:44:05,807 --> 00:44:10,881
No, Mrs De Vere, the question remains,
how are you going to pay your debt off?
673
00:44:14,167 --> 00:44:17,000
I think we both know how, don't you, darling?
674
00:44:17,607 --> 00:44:23,364
- I'm sorry?
- In your office. That's very dangereux.
675
00:44:24,327 --> 00:44:28,479
- (Stammering) I don't follow you.
- I see the way you look at me.
676
00:44:28,527 --> 00:44:30,279
I know what you're thinking.
677
00:44:30,327 --> 00:44:33,364
''I'll cancel that little debty-webty right now
678
00:44:33,407 --> 00:44:37,878
''if only she lets me make mad,
passionate love sex with her.''
679
00:44:37,927 --> 00:44:41,806
- I'm not thinking that.
- You naughty, naughty boy.
680
00:44:41,847 --> 00:44:44,202
( Hums burlesque tune)
681
00:44:44,927 --> 00:44:48,397
What are you doing? Please, Mrs De Vere!
682
00:44:51,007 --> 00:44:53,043
I think you better leave now.
683
00:44:54,127 --> 00:44:55,401
Mrs De Vere!
684
00:44:55,447 --> 00:44:56,675
Da-da, da-da
685
00:44:57,127 --> 00:44:58,355
Da-da, da-da
686
00:44:58,407 --> 00:45:01,399
Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da
687
00:45:01,447 --> 00:45:03,597
Da-da-da-da
688
00:45:04,047 --> 00:45:06,242
Da-da-da-da!
689
00:45:06,967 --> 00:45:09,162
(Cheering and applause)
690
00:45:15,207 --> 00:45:17,801
In the little village of Stumpycock,
691
00:45:17,847 --> 00:45:21,601
Sir Norman Fry MP is once again
facing the press.
692
00:45:23,407 --> 00:45:27,002
l-I have a statement I would like to read.
693
00:45:27,047 --> 00:45:31,996
On Tuesday night, after a late-night session
at the House of Commons,
694
00:45:32,047 --> 00:45:34,800
I decided to take a stroll...
695
00:45:34,847 --> 00:45:36,485
on Hampstead Heath.
696
00:45:37,287 --> 00:45:42,315
Whilst there, I met a young, blond-haired man
who had lost his dog.
697
00:45:42,367 --> 00:45:46,326
I offered to go into the bushes
with him to help him look for it.
698
00:45:46,367 --> 00:45:50,804
Unfortunately, the animal in question
was nowhere to be found,
699
00:45:50,847 --> 00:45:54,681
so I gave him L50
so that he might buy another one.
700
00:45:55,727 --> 00:45:59,436
At that point, my clothes accidentally fell off.
701
00:46:00,607 --> 00:46:06,204
Soon after, I lost my footing
and slipped on a wet blade of grass.
702
00:46:06,247 --> 00:46:12,038
As I fell, I inadvertently pulled down
the young man's trousers and pants.
703
00:46:12,847 --> 00:46:16,203
In the mel�e, I reached out
and grabbed what I thought...
704
00:46:16,247 --> 00:46:17,646
was a branch.
705
00:46:18,847 --> 00:46:22,681
In order to help myself up,
I repeatedly tugged on it...
706
00:46:23,407 --> 00:46:26,558
until my face was covered in what I assumed...
707
00:46:26,607 --> 00:46:28,006
was sap.
708
00:46:29,647 --> 00:46:33,799
As far as I'm concerned,
that is the end of the matter. Thank you.
709
00:46:36,927 --> 00:46:38,963
It's a quarter to Prunella
710
00:46:39,007 --> 00:46:41,885
and shop owner Roy is rushed off his feet.
711
00:46:45,447 --> 00:46:47,517
(Cheering)
712
00:46:52,287 --> 00:46:54,278
(Mouths)
713
00:46:58,287 --> 00:47:00,642
(Bell)
714
00:47:01,807 --> 00:47:03,798
(Cheering)
715
00:47:07,287 --> 00:47:11,326
- Hello. How can I help you?
- I am just looking, thank you.
716
00:47:13,687 --> 00:47:16,121
(Laughter)
717
00:47:16,167 --> 00:47:18,237
If there's anything I can help you with.
718
00:47:18,287 --> 00:47:21,962
Yes, please,
I'd like to buy a pot of paint, please.
719
00:47:22,007 --> 00:47:24,567
Oh, right! Any particular colour?
720
00:47:24,607 --> 00:47:26,279
No.
721
00:47:30,567 --> 00:47:33,957
- Well, we could be here all night, then.
- Yes, we could.
722
00:47:36,327 --> 00:47:40,115
- Well, which colours do you like?
- I don't really like any colours.
723
00:47:40,167 --> 00:47:41,964
I find them unnecessary.
724
00:47:43,247 --> 00:47:46,205
Right. Well, in that case, may I suggest white?
725
00:47:46,247 --> 00:47:49,478
Yes, I'll have a pot of your white paint, please.
726
00:47:49,527 --> 00:47:50,642
Right.
727
00:47:54,287 --> 00:47:57,279
With a hint of black.
728
00:47:57,327 --> 00:47:59,557
- So, grey?
- Yes.
729
00:48:00,167 --> 00:48:01,964
Right.
730
00:48:05,567 --> 00:48:08,320
But with a bit of bluey redness.
731
00:48:08,367 --> 00:48:09,880
One moment.
732
00:48:10,687 --> 00:48:13,679
Margaret! Margaret!
733
00:48:13,727 --> 00:48:15,524
(From audience) Yes?
734
00:48:17,527 --> 00:48:20,519
- That wasn't the right Margaret.
- (Laughter)
735
00:48:27,007 --> 00:48:30,044
- That was a group of pissed-up northerners.
- Right.
736
00:48:30,087 --> 00:48:32,442
(Laughter)
737
00:48:32,487 --> 00:48:34,079
(Light jeering)
738
00:48:37,567 --> 00:48:41,162
- We may get lynched now, I don't know.
- Yes, we may.
739
00:48:41,207 --> 00:48:43,641
But I can run a little bit faster, so...
740
00:48:43,687 --> 00:48:47,123
- Yes, I've got short legs, I'm fucked.
- (Laughter)
741
00:48:56,127 --> 00:48:58,243
(Margaret) Yes?
742
00:48:58,287 --> 00:49:01,040
- That was the right Margaret.
- Right, OK.
743
00:49:01,087 --> 00:49:05,444
There's a... There's about eight people
here who want to know
744
00:49:05,487 --> 00:49:09,116
if we've got any paint that's grey
but with a bit of bluey redness.
745
00:49:09,847 --> 00:49:11,678
(Margaret) I don't think so.
746
00:49:11,727 --> 00:49:15,197
I think the grey that we stock is quite grey.
747
00:49:15,247 --> 00:49:20,162
She says she doesn't think so, she says
she thinks the grey we stock is quite grey.
748
00:49:20,207 --> 00:49:22,675
- Oh.
- Oh.
749
00:49:22,727 --> 00:49:26,766
(Margaret) Oh, I've had an idea. Roy?
750
00:49:26,807 --> 00:49:28,604
Ro-o-oy?
751
00:49:29,687 --> 00:49:33,919
- Yes?
- Does he like maroon?
752
00:49:33,967 --> 00:49:36,162
She says, do you like maroon?
753
00:49:36,207 --> 00:49:38,926
I find maroon lacks maroonity.
754
00:49:38,967 --> 00:49:41,845
He... What?
755
00:49:41,887 --> 00:49:44,242
Says he finds maroon lacks maroonity.
756
00:49:44,287 --> 00:49:46,755
(Margaret) A lot of folk do say that.
757
00:49:49,847 --> 00:49:54,079
- Well, I don't know what to suggest.
- (Margaret) Oh, I know!
758
00:49:54,127 --> 00:49:57,005
She says, oh, she knows!
759
00:49:57,047 --> 00:49:59,766
(Margaret) Why don't you show him
the colour chart?
760
00:49:59,807 --> 00:50:04,039
Oh, Margaret, that's a good idea.
I'll show him the colour chart.
761
00:50:04,087 --> 00:50:05,520
Here is the chart of colours.
762
00:50:05,567 --> 00:50:07,478
I'll take that one, please.
763
00:50:08,527 --> 00:50:11,678
- What, the brown?
- Yes, the brown.
764
00:50:11,727 --> 00:50:14,525
Right. OK. The brown.
765
00:50:15,327 --> 00:50:17,397
(Strains) Ohh.
766
00:50:30,247 --> 00:50:32,363
(Strains) Ohh.
767
00:50:35,527 --> 00:50:37,643
(Laughter)
768
00:50:45,447 --> 00:50:47,039
In pink.
769
00:50:47,887 --> 00:50:50,003
I hate you so much.
770
00:50:55,807 --> 00:50:59,243
If you live on Cup-A-Soup and marijuana,
771
00:50:59,287 --> 00:51:02,279
and haven't attended a lecture
for over two years,
772
00:51:02,327 --> 00:51:06,161
chances you are a student
and go to a university.
773
00:51:06,207 --> 00:51:08,357
Mmm. Lovely biscuit.
774
00:51:08,407 --> 00:51:10,204
- (Knocking)
- Come in.
775
00:51:11,487 --> 00:51:15,082
- Hello, Linda.
- Ah, hello, Patricia, take a seat.
776
00:51:17,007 --> 00:51:20,795
Oh, my word...
What can I help you with today?
777
00:51:20,847 --> 00:51:25,523
When is the deadline was for the essay on
gender roles in the work of George Eliot?
778
00:51:25,567 --> 00:51:28,764
I'm not sure. Martin'll know.
779
00:51:31,247 --> 00:51:33,238
Martin, it's Linda.
780
00:51:33,287 --> 00:51:38,600
I've got a student here. Wants to know
when the deadline is for the Eliot essay.
781
00:51:38,647 --> 00:51:41,161
Patricia. You know Patricia.
782
00:51:41,207 --> 00:51:43,960
Black boots, dungarees, hat.
783
00:51:44,007 --> 00:51:48,000
When she waves at you, looks like
she's got a tarantula under her arm.
784
00:51:49,047 --> 00:51:53,518
Looks like she's got Brian May
and Anita Dobson in a headlock.
785
00:51:55,087 --> 00:51:57,362
That's right. Chewbacca. Yeah.
786
00:51:58,527 --> 00:51:59,880
OK.
787
00:51:59,927 --> 00:52:01,679
He says it's Thursday.
788
00:52:01,727 --> 00:52:04,605
- Goodbye.
- (Roars like Chewbacca)
789
00:52:08,607 --> 00:52:11,201
- (Knocking)
- Come in.
790
00:52:12,567 --> 00:52:16,640
- Ah, hello, Dave. Take a seat.
- All right? Thanks very much.
791
00:52:16,687 --> 00:52:21,602
- What can I help you with today?
- I'm not very happy in my tutorial group.
792
00:52:21,647 --> 00:52:23,763
I was wondering if I could change.
793
00:52:23,807 --> 00:52:26,002
And who's in your group at the moment?
794
00:52:26,047 --> 00:52:29,437
It's me, joanne, Chao-Yun, Ranjit and Paul.
795
00:52:29,487 --> 00:52:33,082
So it's you, Big Fat Lesbian,
Ching Chong Chinaman,
796
00:52:33,127 --> 00:52:35,766
Ali Bongo and the Oompa-Loompa.
797
00:52:35,807 --> 00:52:37,957
I'll just ring Martin and find out.
798
00:52:39,007 --> 00:52:41,043
Martin, it's Linda.
799
00:52:41,087 --> 00:52:46,036
I've got a student here. Wants to know
if he can change tutorial groups.
800
00:52:46,087 --> 00:52:47,884
Dave.
801
00:52:47,927 --> 00:52:49,326
You know Dave.
802
00:52:49,367 --> 00:52:51,403
Colourful T-shirts, always smiling.
803
00:52:52,727 --> 00:52:55,719
Wears sunglasses but not in a cool way.
804
00:52:56,767 --> 00:52:58,598
Would get money off his TV licence.
805
00:53:00,687 --> 00:53:03,042
Would be last to be picked for a darts team.
806
00:53:04,167 --> 00:53:05,964
You could go like this to him.
807
00:53:15,367 --> 00:53:17,676
And he wouldn't realise.
808
00:53:17,727 --> 00:53:21,322
That's right, Blind Dave.
809
00:53:23,607 --> 00:53:26,121
- He says that's fine.
- Oh, right, thanks very much.
810
00:53:27,407 --> 00:53:30,205
Right, right, right, right, right,
left, left, left, left, left.
811
00:53:30,247 --> 00:53:32,317
Right, right, right, left, left, left.
812
00:53:32,367 --> 00:53:34,039
Don't milk it.
813
00:53:37,167 --> 00:53:38,964
- (Knocking)
- Come in.
814
00:53:41,727 --> 00:53:43,126
Fiddler On The Roof.
815
00:53:50,327 --> 00:53:56,277
Meanwhile in Sneddy, Dennis Waterman
is off to see his agent, Jeremy Rent.
816
00:53:57,647 --> 00:54:00,957
- Dennis Waterman here to see you.
- Lovely. Send him in.
817
00:54:01,007 --> 00:54:04,556
Woof woof woof! Good boy, Wolfit.
818
00:54:04,607 --> 00:54:10,284
- Hello.
- Dennis, lovely to see you, dear heart.
819
00:54:10,327 --> 00:54:13,922
Come in. Take a seat.
just pop you in your basket, Wolfit.
820
00:54:13,967 --> 00:54:17,880
- Stay.
- jeremy! Help! Help!
821
00:54:18,447 --> 00:54:20,358
He's just being friendly.
822
00:54:20,407 --> 00:54:24,116
- I don't like it.
- Here, give him this doggie biscuit.
823
00:54:28,927 --> 00:54:31,361
- Sit.
- I'll just get up on my chair.
824
00:54:31,407 --> 00:54:33,398
Right.
825
00:54:35,887 --> 00:54:39,197
- Whoa! Tired.
- Now, first things first.
826
00:54:39,247 --> 00:54:42,762
- This letter came for you.
- Is it from Rula?
827
00:54:42,807 --> 00:54:46,766
No, it's from a fan. Here, have a look.
828
00:54:50,167 --> 00:54:51,964
Thank you.
829
00:54:54,607 --> 00:54:56,757
And, er...
830
00:54:56,807 --> 00:55:00,766
Let's see if this one works.
These were in the envelope as well.
831
00:55:00,807 --> 00:55:02,957
Here, catch!
832
00:55:03,007 --> 00:55:04,918
Whoa!
833
00:55:04,967 --> 00:55:06,958
- She's a big girl.
- Yes.
834
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,843
- Pungent?
- Spicy.
835
00:55:13,967 --> 00:55:18,245
Now, I'm glad you've stopped by.
I've just had a phone call from Channel 4.
836
00:55:18,287 --> 00:55:21,040
They're making a new series
of Celebrity Big Brother.
837
00:55:21,087 --> 00:55:23,078
- They want you to be in it.
- Oh!
838
00:55:23,127 --> 00:55:25,561
They've got a good line-up this year, actually.
839
00:55:25,607 --> 00:55:29,395
So far, they've got Su Pollard,
Peter Stringfellow and Colonel Gaddafi.
840
00:55:29,447 --> 00:55:32,007
- (Buzzing)
- Is there a buzzing in here?
841
00:55:32,047 --> 00:55:34,641
It's just a bee. Don't let it bother you.
842
00:55:34,687 --> 00:55:39,363
(Gasps) jeremy! Help! It looks angry.
It's gonna sting me!
843
00:55:39,967 --> 00:55:42,356
Here, swat it with this script of Holby City
844
00:55:42,407 --> 00:55:44,762
that has been sent to my client,
Lynda Bellingham.
845
00:55:44,807 --> 00:55:49,164
Get you away with you, bee!
You naughty bee! Away with you, sir! Away!
846
00:55:49,207 --> 00:55:51,004
Away!
847
00:55:51,047 --> 00:55:52,241
Phew!
848
00:55:52,287 --> 00:55:54,960
- What a big, fat bee.
- Yes.
849
00:55:55,007 --> 00:55:58,682
It's funny, actually,
cos the bee is bigger than the dog.
850
00:56:02,647 --> 00:56:06,003
It must be some sort of breed
of genetic super-bee, mustn't it?
851
00:56:06,047 --> 00:56:10,484
Either that or they haven't
really thought it through.
852
00:56:12,087 --> 00:56:14,362
So they want you to be...
853
00:56:14,407 --> 00:56:17,558
It's never really been explained why I'm small.
854
00:56:17,607 --> 00:56:19,996
- What?
- Why am I small?
855
00:56:20,047 --> 00:56:23,084
- Why are you small?
- Why do I speak in this silly voice?
856
00:56:23,127 --> 00:56:24,765
I don't know.
857
00:56:24,807 --> 00:56:28,436
It's nothing like him, Matt. I don't get it.
858
00:56:30,247 --> 00:56:32,238
(Cheering)
859
00:56:35,727 --> 00:56:39,720
Do you think if we met the real
Dennis Waterman, he'd kick the shit out of us?
860
00:56:39,767 --> 00:56:44,716
- (Laughter and applause)
- Yes, I think he probably would.
861
00:56:44,767 --> 00:56:48,203
- They like that idea.
- They went for that, didn't they?
862
00:56:48,927 --> 00:56:51,122
Can you remember where we are
in the sketch?
863
00:56:52,887 --> 00:56:54,605
No, I cannot.
864
00:56:55,647 --> 00:56:57,603
We may be fucked, then.
865
00:56:58,167 --> 00:57:01,079
- You did the thing about Celebrity Big Brother.
- Yes!
866
00:57:01,127 --> 00:57:06,076
Yes! Because you've been offered this part
in Celebrity Big Brother.
867
00:57:06,127 --> 00:57:11,406
That's nice. So they want me to star in it,
write the theme tune, sing the theme tune.
868
00:57:11,447 --> 00:57:14,519
No, they just want you to be in this one.
869
00:57:14,567 --> 00:57:15,966
What, no singing at all?
870
00:57:16,007 --> 00:57:18,726
I have to do the theme tune.
I always do the theme tune.
871
00:57:18,767 --> 00:57:22,965
Sorry, Den. In fact, they specifically said
they didn't want to hear you sing.
872
00:57:24,687 --> 00:57:28,362
- (Audience) Aw!
- Don't patronise me!
873
00:57:30,487 --> 00:57:32,364
Now, come along, Dennis.
874
00:57:32,927 --> 00:57:36,203
There was a show called Celebrity Big Brother
875
00:57:36,247 --> 00:57:37,839
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
876
00:57:37,887 --> 00:57:40,640
They ask you on it
when you're no longer famous
877
00:57:40,687 --> 00:57:42,006
Doo-doo-doo-doo
878
00:57:42,047 --> 00:57:44,038
They deprive you of food and sleep
879
00:57:44,087 --> 00:57:45,520
And film everything you do
880
00:57:45,567 --> 00:57:48,206
They even film you having a poo
881
00:57:48,247 --> 00:57:50,317
I'll tell them you're busy.
882
00:58:01,247 --> 00:58:03,238
Hello, fatties.
883
00:58:03,287 --> 00:58:07,075
- (Cheering)
- Hello!
884
00:58:08,087 --> 00:58:11,875
Hello, yes! Yes!
885
00:58:12,767 --> 00:58:15,281
Lovely to be here, yes.
886
00:58:15,327 --> 00:58:19,366
Blimey, they told me Blackpool was full
of fat people. They were not wrong!
887
00:58:20,607 --> 00:58:23,917
Look at you, you are grotesque, aren't you?
888
00:58:23,967 --> 00:58:26,037
Have we got a lot of new members in?
889
00:58:26,087 --> 00:58:29,079
Hands up if you're a new member.
890
00:58:29,127 --> 00:58:32,244
Who here is a new member?
891
00:58:33,127 --> 00:58:35,641
Ho ho! We've got a new member down here.
892
00:58:36,327 --> 00:58:38,522
What's your name, sweetness?
893
00:58:38,567 --> 00:58:40,523
No, I can't. Do it again.
894
00:58:42,007 --> 00:58:44,237
No, do it again.
895
00:58:44,287 --> 00:58:46,801
Sarah! Hello, Sarah.
896
00:58:46,847 --> 00:58:48,997
You are big, aren't you?
897
00:58:49,047 --> 00:58:52,119
How did you get into the theatre?
Were you airlifted in?
898
00:58:52,167 --> 00:58:55,921
Oh, she walked? She walked. Very brave.
Who else is a new?
899
00:58:55,967 --> 00:58:59,357
Ho ho! There's a new member down here.
What's your name, my friend?
900
00:59:00,207 --> 00:59:03,438
lan. We've already got an lan, haven't we?
901
00:59:03,487 --> 00:59:05,205
Do you mind if we call you Fat lan?
902
00:59:05,927 --> 00:59:10,682
No, our lan is big but you are
something else, I tell you!
903
00:59:10,727 --> 00:59:14,402
(Screeches with laughter) Bloater. OK!
904
00:59:14,447 --> 00:59:18,998
OK, because we've got so many
new members in tonight,
905
00:59:19,047 --> 00:59:21,720
I thought it might be quite nice
to have a sort of game.
906
00:59:21,767 --> 00:59:26,557
So what I've got is three pieces of card
and on each card is a food,
907
00:59:26,607 --> 00:59:29,121
and I'm going to ask you something
about each food.
908
00:59:29,167 --> 00:59:33,797
So, first up we've got lettisssssssss...
909
00:59:33,847 --> 00:59:36,725
Lett-isssssss...
910
00:59:37,767 --> 00:59:39,723
Sssss...
911
00:59:39,767 --> 00:59:44,557
You know lettuce, lan. Comes in the burger
between the pattie and the Swiss cheese.
912
00:59:44,607 --> 00:59:46,325
Lettuce. Now!
913
00:59:46,367 --> 00:59:51,157
I want you to tell me if you think lettuce
is high in fat or low in fat.
914
00:59:51,207 --> 00:59:54,279
- What do we think, high or low?
- (All) Low!
915
00:59:54,327 --> 00:59:58,684
Some say low. Some say high.
916
00:59:58,727 --> 01:00:02,720
Very interesting.
Lettuce is actually very high in fat, yes.
917
01:00:02,767 --> 01:00:07,682
Yes, indeed. Lettuce is very high in fat
and is to be avoided.
918
01:00:07,727 --> 01:00:10,287
Much like the dreaded salade.
919
01:00:10,327 --> 01:00:13,763
OK. OK. So, this is the next one.
920
01:00:13,807 --> 01:00:18,198
This is a magnifying glassssss...
921
01:00:18,447 --> 01:00:24,044
Ssss... And if you look very closely,
you can see a bit of, that's right, dust.
922
01:00:24,087 --> 01:00:29,923
- So, high in fat or low in fat, dust?
- Low!
923
01:00:29,967 --> 01:00:32,720
- Anybody?
- Low!
924
01:00:32,767 --> 01:00:34,837
- No?
- Low!
925
01:00:34,887 --> 01:00:36,843
Dust.
926
01:00:36,887 --> 01:00:41,483
Anybody? No? Dust.
927
01:00:41,527 --> 01:00:45,156
Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust.
928
01:00:45,207 --> 01:00:47,596
(Shrieks) Dust!
929
01:00:47,647 --> 01:00:51,560
Is actually very low in fat.
So you can have as much dust as you like.
930
01:00:52,447 --> 01:00:55,837
Yes. So we'll put dust there, just above sticks.
931
01:00:55,887 --> 01:00:57,366
OK.
932
01:00:57,407 --> 01:00:59,796
OK, so this is the last one.
933
01:00:59,847 --> 01:01:01,485
This is a cake...
934
01:01:01,527 --> 01:01:03,324
Ooh, I love a bit of cake, though!
935
01:01:03,367 --> 01:01:05,164
I do!
936
01:01:05,207 --> 01:01:07,482
OK, this is a ca...
937
01:01:07,527 --> 01:01:11,486
Oh, I do like cake!
I do, actually, funnily enough, as it goes.
938
01:01:11,527 --> 01:01:14,803
So, OK. This is a cake.
939
01:01:14,847 --> 01:01:17,042
Cake!
940
01:01:17,087 --> 01:01:18,964
This is a...
941
01:01:19,247 --> 01:01:23,843
Cakey-cakey-cake-cake. Ooh, the cake!
Ooh, the cake! Gimme the cake!
942
01:01:23,887 --> 01:01:27,800
OK, come on, please.
Seriousness, now, actually, thank you, please.
943
01:01:27,847 --> 01:01:30,315
So, this is a c...
944
01:01:30,367 --> 01:01:34,042
Cake! Gimme the cake! Come on, please.
945
01:01:34,087 --> 01:01:39,878
So is this cake high in fat or low in fat?
What do we think, fatties?
946
01:01:39,927 --> 01:01:42,043
- High or low?
- (All shouting out)
947
01:01:42,087 --> 01:01:44,726
Mostly lows, a few high.
948
01:01:44,767 --> 01:01:47,998
It's very interesting,
cake is usually very high in fat.
949
01:01:48,047 --> 01:01:50,561
But I find if you take a slice of cake...
950
01:01:50,607 --> 01:01:52,882
Oh, man, I love the cake!
951
01:01:52,927 --> 01:01:58,604
And you put it on a slice of Ryvita,
it's actually very low in fat. Yes.
952
01:01:59,367 --> 01:02:00,800
Yes.
953
01:02:00,847 --> 01:02:02,405
So cake goes there.
954
01:02:02,447 --> 01:02:06,281
OK, so now it's time for the weigh-in.
955
01:02:06,327 --> 01:02:10,639
We're gonna get a new member onto the stage
and weigh them. Yes, we are.
956
01:02:10,687 --> 01:02:15,363
So hands up if you are a new member
and you'd like to come up and be weighed.
957
01:02:15,407 --> 01:02:18,877
Hands up. But you will need
to be a little bit chunky.
958
01:02:18,927 --> 01:02:20,326
(Nervous laughter)
959
01:02:20,367 --> 01:02:23,040
Oh, hello, who we got here?
960
01:02:23,087 --> 01:02:25,237
No, we need a fatty not a twatty.
961
01:02:25,287 --> 01:02:29,075
Oh, my word, are you wedged in
or will you be able to?
962
01:02:29,127 --> 01:02:32,119
You will? Who's gonna come up?
963
01:02:32,167 --> 01:02:34,727
Round of applause for our new member. Yes!
964
01:02:37,607 --> 01:02:39,837
Yes!
965
01:02:39,887 --> 01:02:44,483
Yes! You have to get up as well.
That wasn't easy, was it? OK.
966
01:02:44,527 --> 01:02:48,566
Make your way to the stage.
New member, ladies and gentlemen.
967
01:02:49,647 --> 01:02:52,559
Up you get. She's taking her time, in't she?
968
01:02:52,607 --> 01:02:56,441
I should have put a biscuit on each step,
that would have...
969
01:02:56,487 --> 01:02:59,638
The stairs held. That's good.
I wasn't expecting that.
970
01:02:59,687 --> 01:03:03,521
OK! Dark colours are the slimming ones, dear.
971
01:03:03,567 --> 01:03:06,445
- (Laughter)
- No, come on, please!
972
01:03:06,487 --> 01:03:10,639
If you'd like to step up to the scales.
You come up here by me.
973
01:03:10,687 --> 01:03:14,566
You come up here by me.
just get my microphone. Lovely.
974
01:03:14,607 --> 01:03:17,963
OK, lovely to see you.
What's your name, my sweetness?
975
01:03:18,007 --> 01:03:19,520
- Donna.
- Donna.
976
01:03:20,247 --> 01:03:21,999
She got a pretty face, hasn't she?
977
01:03:22,047 --> 01:03:23,719
In the middle there.
978
01:03:23,767 --> 01:03:26,918
- (Laughter)
- No! That is cruel. Do you mind?
979
01:03:26,967 --> 01:03:30,437
So... No, cos we've got... this thing up here
and that is not fair.
980
01:03:30,487 --> 01:03:33,445
So you're Donna. Donna, Donna.
981
01:03:33,487 --> 01:03:37,116
- What do you do?
- I'm an account manager for IT solutions.
982
01:03:37,167 --> 01:03:39,283
Really? You're an account manager.
983
01:03:39,327 --> 01:03:43,081
- I thought it was a job one does sitting down.
- (Laughter)
984
01:03:43,127 --> 01:03:45,687
That is unfair. That is very cruel, Blackpool.
985
01:03:45,727 --> 01:03:48,195
OK, so you're Donna,
you're an account manager.
986
01:03:48,247 --> 01:03:51,364
- Who are you here with tonight?
- My sister Dawn.
987
01:03:51,407 --> 01:03:55,559
Really? And she was willing to be seen
out with you in public? How about that?
988
01:03:55,607 --> 01:03:57,359
Very brave. Very progressive.
989
01:03:57,407 --> 01:04:01,286
OK, Donna. If you just wanna
waddle over to the scales.
990
01:04:02,327 --> 01:04:05,444
Up you pop.
Pop being the operative w... No, that's cruel.
991
01:04:05,487 --> 01:04:09,400
Oh, Donna! Oh, Donna!
992
01:04:09,447 --> 01:04:11,438
Donna! Donna! Donna!
993
01:04:11,487 --> 01:04:14,604
48 stone!
994
01:04:14,647 --> 01:04:17,559
Ooh, it's not easy, is it?
995
01:04:18,727 --> 01:04:20,285
Come on, sweetness and light.
996
01:04:20,327 --> 01:04:22,636
Well, sweetness, at any rate.
997
01:04:22,687 --> 01:04:25,679
48 stone in front of all these people, Donna.
998
01:04:25,727 --> 01:04:29,197
Can I give you a bit of advice,
because Marjorie does care.
999
01:04:29,247 --> 01:04:34,401
Next time you're in the kitchen, late at night,
and you're feeling a bit peckish, yeah, Donna?
1000
01:04:34,447 --> 01:04:39,805
And you think, ''Ooh, I'll open up a cupboard
and take out a little snack,'' will you remember...
1001
01:04:39,847 --> 01:04:42,361
you is fat! Oh, man, you fat!
1002
01:04:42,407 --> 01:04:46,719
Fat cow! Fat cow! Fat cow!
1003
01:04:46,767 --> 01:04:49,361
You're a fat cow, love! you're a fat, love!
1004
01:04:49,407 --> 01:04:53,082
Ooh, man, you fat!
You da fatty-fatty-boom-boom.
1005
01:04:53,127 --> 01:04:55,436
Will you remember that for me?
1006
01:04:55,487 --> 01:04:57,876
Yeah? You just wait there, Donna.
1007
01:04:57,927 --> 01:05:02,955
We got something for you to say thank you
for being such a marvellous sport.
1008
01:05:03,007 --> 01:05:04,645
It's a Fat Fighters T-shirt.
1009
01:05:04,687 --> 01:05:08,157
- (Laughter)
- There you go.
1010
01:05:08,207 --> 01:05:11,040
There you go! Yes!
1011
01:05:11,087 --> 01:05:13,476
That's for you, yes!
1012
01:05:13,527 --> 01:05:14,721
Yes.
1013
01:05:16,327 --> 01:05:18,887
What's that? It might be a bit snug? Yeah.
1014
01:05:18,927 --> 01:05:23,398
Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause
for Donna. She's been fantastic.
1015
01:05:23,447 --> 01:05:26,166
Thank you so much.
She really was fantastic.
1016
01:05:26,207 --> 01:05:28,641
There you go, Donna!
1017
01:05:29,647 --> 01:05:31,558
Donna...
1018
01:05:31,607 --> 01:05:33,802
Ooh, she stank an' all.
1019
01:05:33,847 --> 01:05:35,405
(Laughter)
1020
01:05:35,447 --> 01:05:38,405
They often do, though, don't they, the fatties.
1021
01:05:38,447 --> 01:05:42,076
She came, she weighed 48 stone,
she stank the place out.
1022
01:05:42,127 --> 01:05:47,201
I think we better leave it there.
See you next time, Blackpool. Thank you, Donna.
1023
01:05:52,367 --> 01:05:55,006
This shop sells fruit and vegetables.
1024
01:05:55,047 --> 01:05:59,643
People in the north of England
may be interested to learn of their existence.
1025
01:05:59,687 --> 01:06:01,325
What was it you wanted, love?
1026
01:06:01,367 --> 01:06:03,756
- Pound of carrots.
- Pound of carrots, coming up.
1027
01:06:03,807 --> 01:06:06,560
(Applause)
1028
01:06:06,607 --> 01:06:10,361
- Hello, Mrs Emery.
- Oh, hello, dear.
1029
01:06:10,407 --> 01:06:12,523
It's Vanessa, Moira's daughter.
1030
01:06:12,567 --> 01:06:15,525
Oh, yes, haven't you grown?
1031
01:06:15,567 --> 01:06:18,127
And she told me you'd had a baby.
1032
01:06:18,167 --> 01:06:20,522
Oh, he's lovely, in't he? What's his name?
1033
01:06:20,567 --> 01:06:23,240
- Alfie.
- Hello, Alfie.
1034
01:06:23,287 --> 01:06:27,883
- How have you been, Mrs Emery?
- Quite well, thank you, dear.
1035
01:06:27,927 --> 01:06:33,718
Though we did have a very rainy April
and that laid me low, gave me a chesty cough.
1036
01:06:33,767 --> 01:06:36,520
How's your mum?
She had her varicose veins done yet?
1037
01:06:36,567 --> 01:06:39,559
She's... she's still on the waiting list.
1038
01:06:39,607 --> 01:06:44,522
All waiting lists these days. You've got
to drop down dead before they do anything.
1039
01:06:45,207 --> 01:06:46,879
Yeah, well, I'll give her your love.
1040
01:06:46,927 --> 01:06:49,316
If you would. Cheerio.
1041
01:06:49,367 --> 01:06:55,044
Oh, I forgot to say, Renee is 80 Sunday
and she's having a bit of a do.
1042
01:06:55,087 --> 01:06:57,317
I know she'd love to see your mum there.
1043
01:06:57,367 --> 01:07:01,076
- Will you tell her for me?
- I better go. Alfie's got a bit of a cold.
1044
01:07:01,127 --> 01:07:03,038
I got a hanky here.
1045
01:07:05,367 --> 01:07:07,358
There we are.
1046
01:07:09,167 --> 01:07:10,964
Bye-bye.
1047
01:07:11,007 --> 01:07:13,441
Can I get you anything, love?
1048
01:07:13,487 --> 01:07:15,796
No, thanks, stinks of piss in here.
1049
01:07:22,367 --> 01:07:26,440
Our final stop on our journey tonight
is Number 10, Downing Street,
1050
01:07:26,487 --> 01:07:30,844
where the Prime Minister
is having a difficult conversation with his wife.
1051
01:07:31,567 --> 01:07:33,558
(Cheering and applause)
1052
01:07:47,007 --> 01:07:50,204
So the plan is to release
the press statement at noon.
1053
01:07:50,247 --> 01:07:52,363
And it's not going to mention divorce?
1054
01:07:52,407 --> 01:07:56,844
No, just that it's a trial separation
and that you will be moving out of Number 10.
1055
01:07:56,887 --> 01:08:01,881
I'm going to take the kids to Spain. We'll stay
at my parents' place for a couple of weeks.
1056
01:08:01,927 --> 01:08:04,760
- I think that's a good idea.
- I'll call you when we get there.
1057
01:08:06,127 --> 01:08:09,403
Sarah, I'm so sorry that it's come to this.
1058
01:08:10,247 --> 01:08:12,044
Morning!
1059
01:08:13,087 --> 01:08:15,078
(Cheering and applause)
1060
01:08:18,647 --> 01:08:21,207
- Morning.
- Good morning, Sebastian.
1061
01:08:21,247 --> 01:08:23,715
Whatever!
1062
01:08:23,767 --> 01:08:27,885
just to remind you, Prime Minister,
the Dalai Lama will be here in ten minutes.
1063
01:08:27,927 --> 01:08:31,966
Thank you. Now, Sebastian,
I need you to draw up a press statement for us.
1064
01:08:32,007 --> 01:08:36,364
- Of course, Prime Minister.
- Announcing that Sarah and I are separating.
1065
01:08:36,407 --> 01:08:38,716
Oh, no...
1066
01:08:39,487 --> 01:08:42,445
- It's very sad.
- Oh, that is terrible news...
1067
01:08:45,127 --> 01:08:48,199
- Well, I'd better go and pack.
- Yeah...
1068
01:08:49,967 --> 01:08:53,164
- Goodbye, Michael.
- Goodbye, Sarah.
1069
01:08:53,727 --> 01:08:55,922
Let me see you out, hm?
1070
01:08:59,407 --> 01:09:01,398
There you go.
1071
01:09:03,727 --> 01:09:06,002
- It's me, isn't it?
- What's that?
1072
01:09:06,047 --> 01:09:07,958
I'm the reason you're separating.
1073
01:09:08,007 --> 01:09:10,077
No, of course not, we've just grown apart.
1074
01:09:10,127 --> 01:09:13,005
She thinks we're having an affair, doesn't she?
1075
01:09:13,047 --> 01:09:14,685
- No.
- I bet she thinks,
1076
01:09:14,727 --> 01:09:16,445
as soon as she's out of the room,
1077
01:09:16,487 --> 01:09:19,126
you're having me up against the wall, like this.
1078
01:09:19,167 --> 01:09:22,159
(Grunts) Give it to me, Prime Minister.
1079
01:09:22,207 --> 01:09:24,880
Or does she think you have me over the desk?
1080
01:09:24,927 --> 01:09:28,920
Oh, yeah. Ooh! Spit on it! Spit on it! Ooh!
1081
01:09:28,967 --> 01:09:30,366
(Laughter)
1082
01:09:30,407 --> 01:09:31,760
No, she does not.
1083
01:09:31,807 --> 01:09:34,879
Or does she think
you pin me to the sofa like this?
1084
01:09:35,367 --> 01:09:38,882
Oh! Oh, that's deep!
1085
01:09:38,927 --> 01:09:40,485
Oh!
1086
01:09:40,527 --> 01:09:42,836
- Is that what she's thinking?
- No, it is not!
1087
01:09:42,887 --> 01:09:45,924
Now, please, Sebastian, get up.
I don't have time for this today.
1088
01:09:48,367 --> 01:09:50,358
- Sorry.
- Now, look.
1089
01:09:50,407 --> 01:09:52,443
Sebastian, I need your support right now.
1090
01:09:52,487 --> 01:09:56,002
- Of course, Prime Minister.
- I'm very upset about this separation.
1091
01:09:56,047 --> 01:09:59,119
- I know something that will cheer you up.
- Please, not now.
1092
01:09:59,167 --> 01:10:01,203
I have to read this
before the Dalai Lama arrives.
1093
01:10:01,247 --> 01:10:05,684
No, it's really funny. I'm always doing it
in the Commons bar. It's hilarious.
1094
01:10:05,727 --> 01:10:07,877
Please, Sebastian.
1095
01:10:12,807 --> 01:10:15,002
(Wolf-whistles)
1096
01:10:26,727 --> 01:10:29,685
- Are you ready, Prime Minister?
- Ready for what?
1097
01:10:30,727 --> 01:10:33,605
Look, Prime Minister, I'm a woman!
1098
01:10:51,327 --> 01:10:53,761
That is totally inappropriate.
1099
01:10:53,807 --> 01:10:57,402
Sebastian, I can't believe
you're behaving like this.
1100
01:10:57,447 --> 01:11:01,725
Sorry, Prime Minister. just trying
to cheer you up, what with the divorce.
1101
01:11:01,767 --> 01:11:05,760
It's not a divorce. It's a trial separation.
I'm hoping we get back together.
1102
01:11:05,807 --> 01:11:08,241
What?
1103
01:11:08,287 --> 01:11:12,997
- For God's sake, put your clothes back on.
- Sorry, Prime Minister.
1104
01:11:13,047 --> 01:11:15,322
- Quickly!
- I can't find my pants.
1105
01:11:15,367 --> 01:11:17,835
- They must be in there somewhere.
- Help me.
1106
01:11:17,887 --> 01:11:19,525
Prime Minister!
1107
01:11:19,567 --> 01:11:20,682
Your Holiness!
1108
01:11:20,727 --> 01:11:22,240
Michael!
1109
01:11:22,287 --> 01:11:23,322
Sarah!
1110
01:11:23,367 --> 01:11:25,164
Ooh, how embarrassing.
1111
01:11:33,527 --> 01:11:37,122
We do, of course,
have one last place to visit,
1112
01:11:37,167 --> 01:11:40,239
the Welsh mining village of Llanddewi Brefi,
1113
01:11:40,287 --> 01:11:43,438
home of bum troubler Dafydd Thomas.
1114
01:11:43,487 --> 01:11:45,682
(Cheering and applause)
1115
01:11:48,407 --> 01:11:52,161
Yes, I love you too, Rhiannon.
1116
01:11:52,207 --> 01:11:55,199
Oh, better go. Miss you.
1117
01:11:55,247 --> 01:11:57,078
Miss your minge.
1118
01:11:58,127 --> 01:12:00,163
Ta-ta.
1119
01:12:00,207 --> 01:12:04,837
- Evening, Sergeant Davies.
- Hello, Myfanwy. I'll have a pint of Wet Valley.
1120
01:12:05,487 --> 01:12:07,398
Coming right up.
1121
01:12:08,687 --> 01:12:11,155
(Cheering and applause)
1122
01:12:19,407 --> 01:12:20,806
Good evening, Myfanwy.
1123
01:12:20,847 --> 01:12:23,839
Evening, Dafydd. Bacardi and Coke?
1124
01:12:23,887 --> 01:12:27,038
No, thank you, Myfanwy,
I'm here to see Sergeant Davies.
1125
01:12:28,047 --> 01:12:30,720
Oh. Hello, Dafydd.
What can I do you for?
1126
01:12:30,767 --> 01:12:33,565
I've come to hand myself in.
1127
01:12:35,007 --> 01:12:38,044
- I see. Have you committed a crime?
- Yes, Sergeant Davies.
1128
01:12:38,087 --> 01:12:40,362
For I am a gay.
1129
01:12:41,087 --> 01:12:43,237
Oh, here we go.
1130
01:12:43,287 --> 01:12:48,407
As we all know, it is a shameful fact that
being gay in this country is still a crime.
1131
01:12:48,447 --> 01:12:51,166
- I don't think it is.
- No, it definitely isn't.
1132
01:12:51,207 --> 01:12:52,845
Well, it should be.
1133
01:12:52,887 --> 01:12:56,163
I can't charge someone with being gay.
1134
01:12:56,207 --> 01:12:59,438
You've got to break the law.
Like gross indecency.
1135
01:12:59,487 --> 01:13:02,923
Have you been hanging round the lavvies
having cock and bum fun?
1136
01:13:04,127 --> 01:13:06,402
Don't be disgusting!
1137
01:13:06,447 --> 01:13:08,677
People actually do that?
1138
01:13:08,727 --> 01:13:11,400
Oh, yes, or up the woods or down the park.
1139
01:13:11,447 --> 01:13:14,564
In fact, there's a wonderful spot
round the back of the police station.
1140
01:13:14,607 --> 01:13:17,405
just make sure your little Tom jones
don't get cold.
1141
01:13:18,607 --> 01:13:22,600
Let me assure you, Sergeant Davies,
that I have only had sex once,
1142
01:13:22,647 --> 01:13:24,444
in the privacy of my own home.
1143
01:13:24,487 --> 01:13:25,886
And I was quite alone.
1144
01:13:27,847 --> 01:13:30,805
Then I can't think
of anything to charge you with.
1145
01:13:30,847 --> 01:13:35,159
Hang on a minute. Did you just say
there are people here in Llanddewi Brefi
1146
01:13:35,207 --> 01:13:38,199
indulging in activities
of an homosexual nature?
1147
01:13:38,847 --> 01:13:43,204
- Of course, lad.
- Yes! I'm always drinking from the furry cup.
1148
01:13:45,447 --> 01:13:47,802
I'm a fully qualified muff diver.
1149
01:13:49,407 --> 01:13:52,001
Yes, that's just lezzie stuff, not proper gay.
1150
01:13:52,047 --> 01:13:55,801
Well, I was just in my panda car,
enjoying a spot of fisting.
1151
01:13:57,247 --> 01:13:59,602
I was at a party last night
1152
01:13:59,647 --> 01:14:02,366
and I ended up rimming Shakin' Stevens.
1153
01:14:06,807 --> 01:14:08,604
But I thought...
1154
01:14:08,647 --> 01:14:10,365
Centre stage! Centre stage!
1155
01:14:10,407 --> 01:14:12,682
I am the only gay in the village!
1156
01:14:12,727 --> 01:14:14,718
(Cheering)
1157
01:14:18,807 --> 01:14:23,039
- No, you're not.
- For goodness' sake, stop going on about it.
1158
01:14:23,087 --> 01:14:27,285
- Well, can't you just arrest me anyway?
- No, now, come on, let me finish my pint.
1159
01:14:27,327 --> 01:14:31,002
Well, thank you very much!
You've ruined my whole plan!
1160
01:14:31,047 --> 01:14:35,040
I had it all worked out. I was going
to become a martyr for the cause.
1161
01:14:35,087 --> 01:14:37,203
Like a modern-day Graham Norton.
1162
01:14:38,087 --> 01:14:41,477
Will Young was going to stand
outside the prison gates
1163
01:14:41,527 --> 01:14:44,837
and sing a song just for me.
1164
01:14:44,887 --> 01:14:46,684
( Piano introduction)
1165
01:14:48,327 --> 01:14:51,000
Poor little poofter
1166
01:14:51,047 --> 01:14:53,925
Alone in his cell
1167
01:14:53,967 --> 01:14:56,640
Spare a thought for the woofter
1168
01:14:56,687 --> 01:14:59,724
His life now a hell
1169
01:15:00,647 --> 01:15:03,480
This beautiful bum boy
1170
01:15:03,527 --> 01:15:05,438
Is now doing time
1171
01:15:06,327 --> 01:15:08,477
Is burgling turds
1172
01:15:08,527 --> 01:15:10,995
Such a terrible crime?
1173
01:15:11,447 --> 01:15:14,439
So you guardians up here
1174
01:15:14,487 --> 01:15:16,637
Who are you to judge?
1175
01:15:16,687 --> 01:15:19,884
Who cares if he's up all night
1176
01:15:19,927 --> 01:15:21,440
Packing fudge?
1177
01:15:22,407 --> 01:15:24,967
Open your hearts
1178
01:15:25,007 --> 01:15:27,840
Open your eyes
1179
01:15:27,887 --> 01:15:30,924
Stand proud and tall, Dafydd
1180
01:15:30,967 --> 01:15:35,324
Sing to the skies
1181
01:15:35,367 --> 01:15:37,597
I'm gay
1182
01:15:37,647 --> 01:15:39,126
Get over it!
1183
01:15:39,167 --> 01:15:40,759
I'm gay
1184
01:15:40,807 --> 01:15:42,718
Get used to it!
1185
01:15:42,767 --> 01:15:44,803
Yes, wake up, you old codgers
1186
01:15:44,847 --> 01:15:46,644
For I like to hold men's todgers
1187
01:15:46,687 --> 01:15:48,325
I also like men's bottoms
1188
01:15:48,367 --> 01:15:52,326
I'm not afraid to say that I'm a gay
1189
01:15:52,367 --> 01:15:55,518
A proper gay
1190
01:15:56,567 --> 01:15:58,285
I'm gay
1191
01:15:58,327 --> 01:15:59,919
So live with it!
1192
01:15:59,967 --> 01:16:01,764
I'm gay
1193
01:16:01,807 --> 01:16:03,479
So deal with it!
1194
01:16:03,527 --> 01:16:05,483
I'm a member of a flock
1195
01:16:05,527 --> 01:16:06,960
Who prefers a bit of cock
1196
01:16:07,007 --> 01:16:08,804
Yes, whenever I feel glum
1197
01:16:08,847 --> 01:16:10,485
I think of Nigel Havers' bum
1198
01:16:10,527 --> 01:16:13,439
Because I'm gay
1199
01:16:13,487 --> 01:16:16,445
A proper gay
1200
01:16:17,447 --> 01:16:19,642
Yes, I'll say it loud
1201
01:16:20,887 --> 01:16:23,037
I'll sing from the roof
1202
01:16:24,367 --> 01:16:31,842
I'm Llanddewi Brefi's number one poof!
1203
01:16:38,367 --> 01:16:39,959
I'm gay
1204
01:16:40,007 --> 01:16:41,759
A real-life gay!
1205
01:16:41,807 --> 01:16:43,479
I'm gay
1206
01:16:43,527 --> 01:16:45,165
Did I mention I was gay?
1207
01:16:45,207 --> 01:16:47,323
Although I'm short and stocky
1208
01:16:47,367 --> 01:16:49,244
I'm a first-class sausage jockey
1209
01:16:49,287 --> 01:16:50,766
I've only got a maggot
1210
01:16:50,807 --> 01:16:52,320
But I'm proud to be a faggot
1211
01:16:52,367 --> 01:16:55,086
Yes, I'm gay
1212
01:16:55,127 --> 01:16:57,846
A big, fat gay
1213
01:16:59,087 --> 01:17:00,918
He's gay
1214
01:17:00,967 --> 01:17:02,685
A homosexual gay
1215
01:17:02,727 --> 01:17:04,445
He's gay
1216
01:17:04,487 --> 01:17:06,125
A friend of Doro-thay
1217
01:17:06,167 --> 01:17:08,237
Is it really all that heinous
1218
01:17:08,287 --> 01:17:09,720
To gobble on a penis?
1219
01:17:09,767 --> 01:17:11,644
Though I haven't tried it yet
1220
01:17:11,687 --> 01:17:13,086
But I planning to one day
1221
01:17:13,127 --> 01:17:16,085
Because I'm gay
1222
01:17:16,127 --> 01:17:18,482
A big, fat gay
1223
01:17:19,527 --> 01:17:21,995
A proper gay
1224
01:17:23,047 --> 01:17:26,676
The only gay!
1225
01:17:28,687 --> 01:17:31,076
(Cheering and applause)
1226
01:17:31,126 --> 01:17:35,676
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