Original subtitles

WOMAN: Dan and Phil.

Also known as Danis not on fire.

And the Incredible Philip.

Two Bloggers known for their emo haircuts,

confident, larger-than-life personalities

and calm, caring followers.

Currently touring the world with a new stage show

promising to interact with and please the audience.

But how?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

So what are we doing here, Dan?

Giving the people what they want, Phil.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

BOTH: Hello, everybody. PHIL: What up?

DAN: Thanks for coming to see us. PHIL: Hello there. How's it going?

- Hi, how are you doing? - PHIL: Hello, hello, hello.

- Fancy seeing you here. - Hey, guys, how are you doing?

All you guys, over there, at the back.

So how are you doing tonight? Are you guys good?

-(ALL CHEERING) - DAN: All right.

Imagine how awkward it would've been, if it was just awkward silence, there?

- I know. - But thankfully it wasn't.

- Well glad to hear that you are good. - Yes, indeed.

We are also happy to be here, you might have noticed these

two giant, glowing eyes either side of us.

These couple of long boys hanging out on the edge of the stage over here.

Very phallic, we do realise that, but, Phil, it's almost like

they stand for something.

- They do, interesting insects. - Yep.

- Er, that's what it stands for. - It does.

Release the bees.

- No, that's not... - You're cheering for bees?

DAN: Wow.

- What does that mean? - I don't know.

"Sting me", okay, whatever.

No, no, it actually stands for the name of the show,

- Interactive Introverts. - Oh, yes.

Thank you, yes.

Snazzy graphic design, it sounds very cool.

- It does. - But, Phil,

-what the hell does it mean? - Well, we are two introverts.

- Fact. - And an introvert is someone

that gets their energy back from being alone.

Now, the opposite of this is called an "extrovert"

and this, if you can believe,

is a person that is actually meant for socialising

with other human beings.

- What? -(CHUCKLES)

I know, weird, right?

But apparently they exist.

Yeah, it's like at a party, they just wanna rub their face on everyone.

Maybe not literally, but kind of, yeah.

Although at a party, you’ll just find us by the food and the dips.

Yes, hiding in the corner by the snacks.

I'm a Dorito-vert personally, that's howl identify.

Yeah, same, it's often confused with shyness though.

You don't have to be shy to be an introvert,

like if I was the shyest person in the world,

I'm not sure I'd be stood here in front of all you guys.

No, this would be terrifying, truly.

Yeah, I'd more likely be curled up in a ball on the floor.

Just sat on the floor, rocking backwards and forwards, crying.

How I spend most of my evenings.

Yes, no, it is possible to be an introvert

and to be social, like us, stood here right now.

- Yeah. - It's just very emotionally draining.

The way I like to imagine it is if you all picture

a life bar above our heads like we're in a video game.

It's as if any time, any of you make a noise

you're punching us emotionally.

-(ALL SCREAMING) - (BOTH CHUCKLING)

BOTH: Oh!

It burns.

And then they died, yeah, basically,

so based on that description, does anybody here feel like

they are an introvert too?

-(ALL CHEERING) - Wow. All of you.

So you are really going through something being sat with

all these people right now.

- Well, we appreciate that. - We do.

And can we get some noise from the biggest extrovert in the room.

- Any extroverts in the... -(ALL CHEERING)

DAN: (CHUCKLES) Okay, calm down. Calm down.

Security. No, it's fine.

It's fine. I might not relate personally, but you're valid.

You are, and some people watch our videos

and they're like, "Wow, Dan and Phil."

-"They're so loud and annoying." -"They must be so outgoing."

- Surely. - But really, we're just

two introverted guys.

So being stood on a stage in front of all these people,

it's not our natural environment, okay?

Our natural habitat is the sofa crease

on the couch in our apartment.

But the reason we wanted to bravely venture outside

to go on tour is because one day, we're all inevitably going to die.

And just turn into dust and blow away with the wind

and be forgotten. It's coming, it's coming, okay?

- Yeah. - But before that

we wanted you to feel like you had a chance to connect

-with the real Dan and Phil. - Yeah, not as "Danis not on fire"

and "Amazing Phil" but as Daniel Howell.

- Yes. - And my real name, Boris Humperdinck.

That is Phil's real name, everybody.

- It felt good to get that out. - Thank you for sharing that, Phil.

No worries. And you guys are the reason that we are here on this stage, tonight.

- Literally. - And we just want to please you.

Which is why the mission statement for the show you are about to watch is,

"Giving the people what they want."

- That is right. -(ALL CHEERING)

Which is why this show is totally interactive

which we appreciate is very ironic considering everything

we just explained about our personalities.

Yes, which is why to warm things up, we're gonna make a random member

of the audience stand up right now.

- You... just kidding, just kidding. -(PHIL LAUGHING)

- Oh, my gosh. - Wow.

- PHIL: Your faces were priceless. - That right there showed who

the introverts and the extroverts in the room were.

- It did. - There were a few people

that were like, "Yes".

Literally, everybody else went, "What? No!"

I have never seen 5,000 people curl into a ball

-at the same time before. - I know.

- That was amazing. - Don't worry, we wanna avoid

awkward human contact as much as you.

Yes, but don't worry, there will be many ways

that all of you here will control what happens in the show tonight.

And what that means is it will end up becoming a reflection

-of who you are as people. - Yeah.

The things you want to see, the decisions you make,

it will be whatever you want it to be.

It will, but who are the people, what do they want?

- That is the question. - Why do they want it?

- That's also a valid question. - Where do they want it?

Er, no, no, when, when...

- When they... - Was...

Now, okay, look, obviously, there's lots of things some of you here

might want to see Dan and Phil do live on stage together,

that we're not gonna do tonight, because it's illegal

or if it isn't technically illegal, maybe it's just offensive

or messy. I don't know what you're thinking, okay?

It could be anything, but this was originally

meant to be a jelly wrestling arena, but...

- We had to change it up a bit. - You can tell from the shape, right?

Get some ropes up, fill it with jelly,

jelly wrestling, but ideas changed and here we are now.

So you might be wondering what is actually happening tonight, guys.

Well, we don't want to give any of you the wrong ideas...

- No. -...or to get your hopes up for anything

that we don't end up delivering on, so first,

to be absolutely clear, right now, we are going to show you

all of the things that we are not going to do on stage tonight.

ANNOUNCER: We have a wonderful show for you tonight, everyone.

I bet you're all excited to find out what's in store?

Oh, well, this isn't that.

Are you ready? Here it comes.

In tonight's show, Dan and Phil will absolutely not

do the six-second challenge.

Dan, you have six seconds to do an impression of a llama.

(BUZZER RINGING)

(LLAMA BRAYING)

-(BUZZER RINGING) -(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING)

No.

ANNOUNCER". Engage in erotic role-play.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

MAN 1 : Police Chief Lester here. There's a baa' boy] need to see to.

MAN 2: Please, be gentle with the handcuffs, I have sensitive skin.

ANNOUNCER". just have a staring contest.

-(CRICKETS CHIRPING) -(ALL CHEERING)

Damn it.

ANNOUNCER". Dress up as their cute, flowery, pastel personas.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER". (CHUCKLES) Aren't they cute? Give us an "aw."

AUDIENCE: Aw.

ANNOUNCER". Let you touch their hair.

Go on, who wants to stroke it?

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER". Sit down and react to a 24-hour livestream

of a domestic day in Dan and Phil's apartment.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

ANNOUNCER". Keep up with all the hottest YouTube trends.

DAN: Phil, draw a 700 layers of make-up on me.

PHIL: Not before I eat all these Tide Pods. (CRUNCH ES)

Mmm, delicious.

ANNOUNCER". Get all their best social media superstar friends

on stage for a big party.

(LAUGHS) just kidding, they have no friends.

Literally, nobody responded to their messages.

(HORNS BLOWING)

Confess real, emotional secrets that are way too personal to share.

PHIL: I contracted chlamydia from a koala.

DAN: I literally murdered a person, their corpse is in this trunk.

CROWD: (OVER SPEAKERS) Ooh!

ANNOUNCER". Release dogs on to the stage and just play with them for two hours.

Wait, you remembered to feed them, right?

CROWD: (OVER SPEAKERS) 0h!

ANNOUNCER". And finally...

just get completely naked.

(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa'. Okay, that was a 'yoke.

That was a joke, calm the hell down, people.

Obviously, we're not actually gonna get completely naked, okay?

So those are all of the things we're not going to do on stage, tonight.

Which is fine because none of you actually wanted any of those things.

- No. - You have much better taste than that.

Now that we've gotten this out of the way,

we can continue with what we're actually doing in the show.

- Right, Phil? - Yeah, although some of you

seemed a bit sad about the dogs.

Well, spoiler alert, there might be some dogs coming up

-later in the show. -(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, Phil, if you are promising people more dog content,

you have to live up to that promise, okay?

- I would never dog tease anyone. - Don't be a dog tease.

Right, so, er, if that's everything that we're not going to do tonight,

you must be wondering what the heckydizzle is in store?

- Yeah. - Fair enough.

I feel like before we get into that though,

we should probably do something to get to know

you guys a bit better, you know, break the ice in here?

- Yes. - By releasing 20 tons of ice

-on to the audience. - Go.

- Really. - In for that as well.

- Y'all weird, okay. - No.

If we want to give you what you want, we have to know

-what kind of people you are. - Yeah.

And as much as we'd like to take you all out for coffee...

- Yes. -...or get to know you all individually,

have an eight-hour conversation about something.

Yeah, or slide into your DMs.

- Maybe not that... We're sorry. -(ALL CHEERING)

- What was the hand gesture for? - Sliding...

What does that... Sorry, no, I apologise for him.

There is no time, okay? There are too many people here.

So we just have to jump in the deep end.

- Yeah. - But thankfully, there's a little game

we both know that is actually perfect for this exact situation.

BOTH: Truth bombs.

(ALL CHEERING)

So you've heard of the little game that we released into the wild

last year? Okay, that helps.

PHIL: You mean the one with Amazon reviews that say,

"My sister doesn't talk to me anymore."

- Yes. -"My grandma wrote me out of the will."

- That's the one. - And, "My dog wants a divorce."

Yes, this game finds out what people really think of you

by having them answer some simple questions.

So we asked you some questions about the two of us

and the thing is you could've answered them in any way

-that you wanted to. - Yeah.

You could've just been really honest about what you think

the real answer would be, you could've been nice,

just make us both feel good about ourselves.

Or you could choose to savagely roast us in front of thousands of people

for no reason!

(LAUGHS)

Like I said, we'll find out what kind of people you really are.

But first, there's a little something that's gonna help

make this more dramatic, let me just get this out.

- Yeah. - (CLEARS THROAT)

- Hey, Phil. - What?

- Your mum. -(BUZZER RINGING)

- Really? Wow. - This is going to help things.

So as this game was his idea, I think it's only fair that Phil goes first.

Let's see what we asked you about Phil.

-(DAN READING) - Ooh.

All right, I mean going up and down this step is

pretty hard work for me.

Yeah, implying that Phil has ever done an exercise, okay.

Slow it down there, mister, let's see what you had to say.

Our fist answer comes from Jamie. (READING)

- PHIL:Jamie. - Oh.

My children.

- Your children. - My children.

If they're your children, your children are dead, Phil.

- I know. - You are not a very good dad

to these succulents. Can we call protective services

-on this guy? - I think we need to.

Who do you think is watering our plants while we're on tour?

We don't have any friends, they are all dead, people.

They are, I mean some people have got green fingers,

I have black death fingers.

Phil has brown, crispy fingers that, okay...

Right, the next answer comes from Hunter. (READING)

- Okay, wow. - Now this is something I'd be good at.

Phil actually used to breed hamsters as a hobby when he was a child.

I did, but what would be that be like? A set of hurdles,

then you'd jump over them while just rubbing the hamsters together.

Sorry, while you do what? Is that how you breed hamsters?

- No. - All right, jenny and Timmy, here we go.

-(GRUNTS) Okay, babies, that's it. -jenny and Timmy?

- That's the secret to life right there. - You just get them out their balls,

-set up a little dinner table. - Literally, nobody here

wants to actually know how you breed hamsters, Phil.

(CHUCKLES) And the last answer comes from Victor,

who said, "Sunlight avoiding."

Yes, I mean, if that was an Olympic sport,

- Phil would have the record. - I did have to put SPF 100

just to stand under this spotlight.

Phil has that rare Voldemort complexion that's so hard to protect

in the summer sun. It's a miracle that you're alive right now.

- I'll Avada Kedavra you in a minute. - Oh, my gosh.

Hey, it's Victor that said it, right.

Phil, only one of these can be the winner.

- Ooh. - Which of these sports

-would you get a medal in? - I'm gonna go with Hunter

-and the Speed Hamster Breeding. -(BUZZER RINGING)

Whoo, and that also gets the medal for worst thing I've imagined this week

-which really says something. - Nice. Give me that.

- It's Dan's turn. - Hey, hey, I'm not worried.

I think they're all going to be really nice about me.

- Let's see what we asked you about Dan. -(LAUGHS)

Okay. (READING)

Oh, I like that that's your reaction to Phil just reading the question.

- Ooh. - Seriously, what do you think of me?

Let's see what's hiding in Dan's incognito tab.

- I'm kind of scared. - The first one comes from Ryan.

-(READING) - DAN: There it is.

Wow, being here for like five minutes,

-'there's the first furry 'yoke. - Oh, my gosh.

- Thank you, Ryan. Wow. - Amazing.

The next one comes from Hannah. (READING)

-(ALL CHEERING) - What does that mean?

I like that it's Saucy Shrek Fanfic as opposed to one of those

like blissful, calm, domestic Shrek Fanfics that are out there.

- I actually write them all. - Really?

Yeah, it was a steamy day in the swamp.

- No. - Donkey was lying on a bed

in just a bikini, Shrek came in, "You wanna see under my layers?"

PHIL: Stop, you're horrifying everyone. (CHUCKLES)

Follow me on Wattpad, okay, right.

I'm disturbed... Last one comes from Lynn. (READING)

-(ALL CHEERING) - Okay, okay, fair enough.

- Fair enough. - I mean, you did a pretty good job.

Let's be real, where is the lie?

Where is the... It's not here.

Only facts in this house, people.

- Erm... - What's the most accurate?

Well, I'm gonna say just because the image of it will be

burnt into my mind forever, I'm gonna give it to

the Saucy Shrek Fanfic.

(BUZZER RINGING)

Whoo! And you can say after that, Rose,

Dan is on fire.

- Oh. Sorry. - Are you serious?

Leave, leave the stage right now. That is unacceptable.

Well, I think clearly doing a Dan round and a Phil round

is creating a bit of tension between us that I don't think is helping.

I can feel the tension.

I don't think the tension wants you to feel it, Phil.

I think, in the interest of the show, we should come together

and do one more round, where we both get roasted at the same time.

Is that what you want to see?

- Yeah. - Exactly.

Well, let's see what we asked you about both of us.

-(READING) - Great.

Great, lovely, I love our audience fantasising about our death.

- This is a great start to the show. - It is the best.

The first one comes from Elyce. (READING)

- Oh, my gosh. - I don't think I've ever done

five seconds of exercise in my life, so that might be true.

- That would be a real challenge. - You have to be careful

going up and down those stairs, mate, I think you got one second left.

Keep any eye on him, okay? He's on the verge of death.

The next comes from jameela. (READING)

-(LAUGHS) - Honestly, it's pretty close.

Yeah, could we have designed a set that's more of a trip hazard?

- No, have you seen this... - Whoo, watch out, guys.

- Please save me. - What, save you?

You would kill them if you fell off the stage.

- I think I would. - Why would he even joke about that?

There's like a 50% chance that that will actually happen

this evening, so I hope you're ready to see the live death

-of Amazing Phil. - Look forward to it.

- And the last one comes from Sam. -(READING)

- Okay, wow, Sam. - That is too real, too real.

You don't know, Dan and Phil games, my mouth is getting us in trouble.

- Oh, my gosh. - This isn't a drill.

Especially in Spooky Week, Dan has a real problem.

Er, well, which of these are we going to give it to, Phil?

How will we really die?

I'm going to give it to Elyce with Five Seconds of Exercise.

- It is Five Seconds of Exercise. -(BUZZER RINGING)

Whoo! Well, there we go.

That was Truth Bombs.

Yikes.

- Okay, you're done with that. - Sorry, I was having fun.

If that was our way of getting to know you guys better.

I am shooketh, big mistake for sure.

Oh, Dan, don't be shooketh.

I think it's a good thing. It meant we got to know the audience better.

Yeah, now we can start giving them what they want.

- Ooh. - Okay, I'm just gonna ask

-a quick general question. - Yeah.

Who here wishes they had the like, magical ability

to just force Dan and Phil to do anything

you wanted to see us do?

-(ALL CHEERING) - PHIL: A lot of people.

Well, that'd be okay. "Well, we are real human beings."

- So it doesn't work like that. - No.

Sorry, no, we're not fictional characters.

We are people with free will and that means that sometimes

the things that we choose to do with our lives,

they might not be the things that you want to see from us.

- No. - But that just makes us feel bad.

Honestly, like Phil said, we just want to please you.

I think that's why people like The Sims so much though.

Does anyone here watch our Sims series?

(ALL CHEERING)

It's a game where you make people and you force them

to do anything you want, that's the reason it's fun.

Yeah, you could just make five Sims, put 'em in a swimming pool.

- Remove the ladders. -(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Watching Sims slowly drown is one way to pass the time

-if you're into that. - You know, I did a lot of that as a kid,

should I be worried about myself?

- AUDIENCE: Yeah. - Yes.

Should he be worried? Hello, I live with him,

I should be worried.

Guys, I'm blinking, rescue me.

Oh, you could also make a room full of blenders

or marry an alien, or wa-hoo with a skeleton.

And this isn’t just what our Sim, Dil Howlter, has done.

This is what Phil wishes he could do in real life.

But we want to give you that fun experience

with Dan and Phil whilst also testing how responsible you are.

'Cause a lot of the stuff that happens in this show,

we give you control over us and we don't really know

how much we can trust you yet, so,

first, we'd like to test you in a safe, controlled environment.

Which is why we're very excited to show you something

that we have been working on for a long time.

BOTH: A simulation!

That is right, we have been building this simulation ever since

we were foetuses.

- Not even babies. - No.

Foetuses, people, we have put the time in.

We have and we have spent billions of pounds

and dollars on this technology.

Yes, this is the most accurate Dan and Phil simulator

-that will ever exist. - Yeah.

Inside this machine are a digital Dan and Phil

that you will be able to control,

but the thing is, whilst technically you can do anything you want,

the Dan and Phil in this machine have highly powerful

-artificial intelligence. - They do.

So, they think and feel just as much as the real us.

So, be responsible, okay? Only do things that you would

if you were controlling our real lives.

Remember, this is a test, okay?

Right, let's boot up the first program.

- Here we go. -(HORSE WHINNIES)

- Er, Phil. What is that? - No, no!

- Stop. Make it go. - Phil, explain.

That was a private simulation I was working on.

(ALL CHEERING)

Of all the references you thought you were gonna get tonight.

Horse Prince, there we go, okay, can we boot up the Phil program?

- Ooh, hello. - Oh, so I should explain,

everything that happens in this simulation

is based on data from our real lives.

So they are situations that we would really be in.

Choices that we would actually make.

Let's see where Phil is today.

Phil arrives at Barstucks.

Ooh, I think this simulation didn't wanna get sued.

Fair enough. He's staring at the menu, what should he order?

So, there's gonna be two choices. I will read them out,

then ask you to cheer for one that you want to happen

and Phil will do it. So let's see the options.

Phil could order a nice hot chocolate.

- Sure. - Sounds good.

Or the new pumpkin spiced unicorn, death cinnamon frappé.

Wow. (CHUCKLES) Lot going on there.

- I am feeling pretty curious. - Well, it's up to you.

Cheer for the one you want, who wants Phil to order

a nice hot chocolate?

-(ALL CHEERING) - Anybody? All right.

Thank you, people, lovely drink.

And who wants him to order the spicy, unicorn,

-death thing? -(LOUDER CHEERING)

- It sounds more interesting. - Wow. It does sound good.

Phil orders the frappé. See, this is going well so far.

- Yeah. - Good job, everybody.

Ooh, that does like delicious.

The frappé is vibrating with energy that...

- You okay there, Phil? - It's vibrating with energy.

- Is that supposed to be the frappé? - Yeah.

How big is this frickin' drink?

Put your hands down, it gives Phil a huge sugar rush

and he has to capture it for the lnsta.

Okay, everyday relatable situations.

- Okay. - But what will he do?

He could either... (READING)

- Sure. He's had a lot of sugar. - Sure.

Or "Accidentally tweet a private photo of him in his underwear."

- What? -(LAUGHS) Wait, Phil, why would

-the simulation suggests this? - There's nothing like that hidden

-on my phone. - Well, okay, er, I feel like

this is the point where I have to remind you that this digital Phil

experiences real guilt and shame.

- Be responsible, do the right thing. - Yeah.

Who wants a selfie with the drink?

-(ALL CHEERING) - Anybody? Sure.

Lovely selfie, might be a bit blurry.

Who wants him to tweet a photo in his underwear?

-(LOUDER CHEERING) - PHIL: Oh, no.

- Guys. - I feel like

-they're not taking this seriously. - Wow.

What, we can't be seen to be like shaming anybody.

Just get it over with, Dan.

He tweets the private photo, I apologise for anything

-mentally scarring, that you... -(ALL CHEERING)

Er, look, that's before I did my one push up in the morning.

"Privatesexyphoto.j pg" that's a real photo there.

Totally real.

Phil tries to delete the photo and he drops his phone in the drink.

- What? - Good one.

He also spills cream all over his crotch.

Right, you got him into this mess, people,

you have to get him out of it. Let's see what we can do.

- Oh, hello. - A kooky dude appears.

It's Satan!

-(ALL CHEERING) - What?

Did you just cheer for Satan?

- PHIL: Wow. -(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING)

just 'cause he's shirtless, guys, right.

He wants to make a deal, let's see the choice here.

Phil Could... (READING)

- Sounds good. - Sure, bit of Fletnix and Phil?

Casual evening, or...

(READING)

You know, I do not trust this man and his nipples.

But it's up to them.

Who wants to avoid Satan?

-(ALL CHEERING) - DAN: All right.

- Respectable choice. - Yeah.

Who wants him to sell his soul to Satan?

-(ALL CHEERING) - PHIL: Guys.

That was passionate. Did you think you'd be enthusiastically cheering

for making a deal with Satan this evening?

-(CHEERING) - Yes.

Yes, what do you mean, yes?

I was gonna do it anyway, even if I didn't come here.

- Wow. - We're making a deal.

Look, Phil, don't worry, this might all work out.

- Let's see where we are. - This seems all right.

Well, we're still in the coffee shop.

- Guess everything worked out fine. -(FLAMES BLAZING)

Phil goes to hell with Satan

when suddenly he hears the sound of scissors and glue pouring onto glitter.

- What have you done? -(ALL CHEERING)

Why is there glitter in hell? I have no idea

-what that could... -(BOTH SCREAM)

(ALL CHEERING)

(GASPS) That makes sense, that actually makes complete sense.

Dan appears holding a potato.

"Time to get printing, Philly." He stamps Phil to death for eternity.

- No, stop, cancel. - Can we shut it down, please?

- Cancel the simulation. - Oh, my gosh.

- Wow. - I trusted you.

The man went in to order a drink and you sacrificed him to the devil.

Are you proud of yourselves?

- PHIL: Yes, they are. - Really?

Okay, you know what, I don't feel like we need

to continue this to make the point we're trying to make.

No, I think we need to do the Dan simulation.

Okay, fine, fine, whatever. Only if they take it completely seriously

this time.

All right, let's boot it up. Boop.

Ooh, Dan decides to go outside.

Whoa, whoa, what reality is this based on?

(READING)

Right.

Ooh. What are you gonna do?

Does he go home and sit in the dark?

I mean, that's what I would do if I found myself

-outside for any reason. - Sure.

Or... (READING)

- All right, whatever. - It's up to you guys,

who wants him to go home and sit in the dark?

(WHOOPS) Sitting in the dark, my people.

- Yeah, okay. - And who wants to talk

to the suspicious man?

(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)

Hey, hey, whatever, fine, I need more friends that aren’t just Phil.

- Sure, let's talk to the man. - Here we go.

(READING)

It's a what? (LAUGHING)

Look, okay, right, look, furries are a thing.

They're out there, half of you are probably furries.

We are not here to judge.

So let's just see where this goes.

But what are you gonna do with your furry friend?

- We just met. - Do you... (READING)

My default response to human interaction.

Or... (READING)

(DAN LAUGHS)

You can all make whatever choices you want to and that is fine,

just know that I will be judging you personally based on what

-you cheer for here. - Let's see what they want.

Who wants to see the memes?

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you, I have some lovely Shiba Inu gifts to show this furry.

And who wants the tickets to the underground furry rave?

-(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY) - PHIL: That's the one.

Fine, fine, just know that God is judging you.

- Okay. - Let's hit the club.

This is a lot weirder than I hoped it would be.

Ooh, that isn't me.

(READING)

(LAUGHS) In my what? I don't have one of those.

- I wondered what you got in the mail. - Shut up, shut up.

But what happens now, does he... (READING)

Er, who walks into a club and just starts doing shots

-off somebody? - You apparently.

Or... (READING)

That sounds like a lovely, innocent time.

- Yeah. - I just wanna say,

this seems like the point in the Phil simulation

where we went down the whole, Satan, torture path.

You don't need to make the same mistakes, okay?

Don't listen to everyone around you.

You are all individuals with free will and I trust you

to do the right thing.

I don't think you're helping your case.

Who wants the otter?

(ALL CHEERING)

- Well, that was loud. - Wow.

And who wants polite conversation?

(SCATTERED CHEERING)

There was an attempt.

Time to get your otter out for the lads.

Never say that again.

Ooh, that is a lot of tequila.

(READING)

Er, Interactive Introverts is not legally responsible

for any sexually explicit images that you are not leg... Okay.

Oh, er...

(READING)

(LAUGHS) Oh, thank God, okay.

- Just don't pee in the suit. - I thought that was going

-somewhere much weirder. - Yeah.

What happens now?

Does he... (READING)

I mean, that's what you do in this situation, right?

Or... (READING)

Oh, for God's sake. Ha, ha. Very funny.

Right, I am gonna go kick the computer after this.

Do we even have to ask, who wants the door code?

(CHEERING SOFTLY)

Literally five people. All right.

And who wants the lady door?

(ALL CHEERING)

This is why we need to destroy the concept of gender, okay?

So this situation doesn't happen to anybody.

Thank you, yes.

Lady, lady, enter the lady door.

Jesus.

Ooh. (READING)

This is so embarrassing, I can't look.

BOTH: Oh.

(READING)

- I what? - You die.

I die, what do you mean I died?

Well, is that it?

-(BELL TOLLING) -(READING)

Are you kidding me? Are you freakin' kidding me?

Why are you cheering for this? Hello, no, no.

This is the bad ending, people. This is literally the worst, possible,

timeline that can happen right now.

- They don't even care. - They're happy.

Just shut it down, shut it down, abort, abort.

No. Wow.

I think we could've spent all that money on something else.

All those billions of pounds and dollars for nothing!

Wow, well, if that was the test for how responsible all of you

are gonna be this evening, I think we should just run for our lives.

I'm a dip, see you later.

- No, Dan, Danny boy. Listen. -(HUMMING)

What? I don't think we can judge them on that.

I mean, there were some people in the audience that were like,

"I wanna see Phil's selfie."

"I wanna see the memes."

Okay, sure, fine, there were a few people out there

cheering for the normal stuff, but, no, no, you got out cheered

by everybody else and your voices weren't heard.

- No. - That is the way that the world works.

I also think this was an example of mob mentality.

'Cause there were some people in the audience that everyone

was screaming around them and it was making them

change their own opinions.

I mean you wanna fit in to a big group, right?

Like, if there's an angry mob walking past your house,

you don't have to know what they're angry about.

- No. - It just looks catchy and fun.

So you go outside, you pick up a pitchfork,

march along for a bit before you know, you're stabbing Phil

in the butt and you don't know how you got there.

- It's human nature. - Well, I think l can prove

this is happening with an experiment.

DAN: All right.

What the hell was that walk?

- That was my mysterious walk. - Yep, no problem.

Phil is a mystery to me.

But before we begin my experiment to prove you all think the same,

I think we need to sync up the audience.

Yes, get them all in this angry mob together, okay.

And we'll do that by learning your collective name,

you know like a group of animals like a pride of lions.

A murder of crows, that's my go-to example.

Or a sea of rats.

- Right? -(ALL CHEERING)

They like that one.

We'll do that by everyone saying their name at the same time.

Then we will know what you are collectively called, all right?

Yeah, are we ready? Here we go.

Say it.

(ALL SHOUTING IN DISTINCTLY)

Oh, my gosh, that was like some kind of alien war cry.

That was terrifying.

Yeah, what, did you hear a name in that abyss, Phil?

- Do you know what I heard? - What?

Susan!

- But did you hear Susan too? - Yeah.

I definitely heard Susan.

- Susan. - It was absolutely... That is crazy.

So that means you are all now collectively Susan!

Henceforth, you are Susan.

Hey there, Susan, nice to meet you.

Dan,hi

So now you're are synced up as Susan, we can move on to the first experiment.

It involves the fact that everyone says that me and Dan should get a dog.

That is a thing.

- Yeah. -(ALL SHOUTING)

Hey, we want to give the people what they want.

They just want us to get a dog, Phil,

that is literally all anybody cares about.

They do. But the question is, Susy Pops,

what breed of dog should it be?

Mmm, okay.

Look, look, everyone has their own favourite breed of dog.

- They do. - The dog they imagine us getting.

But there is no way that everybody here

-could come to one decision. - I think they could

using the grid of dogs.

Bam! Oh, you wanted more dog content? Here you go.

PHIL: Look at those good boys.

- Who do we have here? - PHIL: Lorraine’s just had a blow dry.

DAN: Wow, er, Fluffy on the right

looks kind of terrifying.

- Beautiful on the inside. - Don't think I'd put my foot near that.

I feel like Sherlock at the top looks like Benedict Cumberbatch.

- Is that just me? - Yeah.

So what I'd like everyone to do is put your hand out in front of you.

Don't tickle the person in front of you, that would be weird.

This is not a 4D experience, okay? Keep your hands to yourselves.

PHIL: And point to your favourite orange dog.

DAN: Right, but, oh, this is very important.

PHIL: Yeah. DAN: This whole time,

-do not say anything out loud. - PHIL: No.

DAN: This is your personal decision.

Your journey, do not let anyone here influence you.

PHIL: No, so from your favourite orange dog, I want you to move

your finger up or down to the first blue dog

-that you reach. - Up or down to the first blue one.

Yeah, and from there, let's go left or right

to the first orange dog that you reach.

DAN: Left or right to the first orange.

PHIL: And from there, let's go diagonally

to the first blue dog that you reach.

DAN: Diagonal in any direction.

Yeah, the first blue one.

PHIL: And from there, go up or down to the first orange dog that you reach.

DAN: Up or down to orange. PHIL: Yeah.

- So, you all started on a random dog. - You have all made your own decisions.

But as Susan, you have chosen Gary.

-(ALL CHEERING) - DAN: All right!

- Let's see, aw... (LAUGHS). - DAN: What a good boy.

- Good decision, Susan. - Yeah.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Did anybody here not get Gary?

BOTH: Okay, a few people, right.

You did it wrong.

Er, (LAUGHS) no, it's fine, it's fine.

It just means you aren't part of Susan yet.

- No. - But you can be if you believe.

- You just need to get in Susan. - Yes.

That didn't sound right.

- Join in with Susan. - You just need to join in with Susan.

- Yeah. - That's better.

We'll get those stragglers further into Susan.

And we'll do that by syncing you up again.

Okay, okay.

So, this is going to be super satisfying.

After the count of three, I would like everyone to clap once

at the same time.

-(AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS) - Who just clapped?

- Ready. - I said after three.

Are you applauding people for clapping at the wrong time?

Bad Susan.

DAN: Susan, stop. PHIL: Susan, stay.

Susan, sit.

Stay.

Beg, sorry, that got weird. That got really weird fast.

Okay, look.

This is gonna be so satisfying if we get it right.

Here we go, three, two, one.

BOTH: Ooh!

DAN: Ooh, that was good. PHIL: I like that.

No, I think this could be even better.

We could do some serious community ASMR if we get this right.

- Yeah. - Here we go.

Three, two, one.

BOTH: Yes!

Wow. (CHUCKLES)

I feel like we probably just caused a natural disaster somewhere

on Earth by doing that, but it was totally worth it.

I think we just broke the sound barrier.

Oh, for God's sake. Really?

Boo, boo.

- Don't encourage him. - Right.

Well, now everyone is officially part of Susan.

- Yes. - We can move on

to the second experiment.

Which involves something I found under Dan's bed.

What is with the judgment in this room?

What do you people think I get up to?

Oh, I was doing some innocent spring cleaning.

That is a lie, okay? Phil has never cleaned anything

-in his entire life. - I have.

I saw something shining under Dan's bed.

And it was so weird, I had to bring it to show you guys.

Okay, this is the point where I remind all of you

that Interactive Introverts is an inclusive, zero-shaming environment,

Okay?

- We are here to be supportive. - Dan.

- Not to judge each other. - What the hell is this?

DAN: That is my secret box.

It's so heavy.

It's got a big lock on the front, so I couldn't open it.

Obviously, it's my secret box.

Right, well, you hold on to this.

- Right, thank you. - Because I think... You got it?

I think now everyone in Susan is thinking the same.

Whoever we choose in the audience,

is going to be able to guess what is inside this weird box.

(CHUCKLES) Okay. No, Phil, our audience, they know us pretty well.

They don't know what I would be keeping in a box under my bed

-that would be weird. - No, I think they would,

and I can prove it using...

I'm sorry for what's about to happen.

I feel like this whole thing was an excuse for Phil to do this.

The mystery balls of selection.

DAN: Wow, look at that, everybody, Phil has three balls.

I do, so I am gonna start some music playing.

Then I'm gonna launch these balls into the audience.

-(GASPS) - I want you to throw them about,

-bat them around. - Throw them across the room?

Get them in the sky.

Yeah, but when the music stops,

whoever's got a ball, if you don't want it,

just throw it to someone else.

I'd like you to stand up and I'm gonna individually ask you

what you think is inside Dan's weird box.

What do you think I am hiding in a locked box

-under my bed. - Yeah.

- That is the question. - It could be an animal.

It could be an object, it could be any size.

It doesn't have to be something you think would fit

in this box apparently.

But let's keep it something I would say on the Amazing Phil channel.

- Let's keep it Amazing Phil, people. - Please.

Let's start the music, here we go.

- BOTH: Whoo! -(MUSIC PLAYING)

- Pass those balls around. - Keep it going, keep 'em going.

Whoo!

Yes, okay.

DAN: Keep going, throw the ball.

- And... - BOTH: Stop!

Okay, sorry, I enjoyed that.

Has everyone got a ball? Can the keepers of the ball stand up?

DAN: Ooh. PHIL: Let's give them

-a round of applause. -(ALL CLAPPING)

Phil, I don't think anyone wanted to be called

a keeper of the balls tonight.

I think they do.

Okay, so you might need to use your loudest voice.

Let's go to the green ball first.

- Hello. - Hi, what is inside the box?

(GIRL SPEAKING)

-(ALL CHEERING) - His Speedo collection.

My Speedo collection. (LAUGHS) Wow.

Wow, why am I keeping my Speedos in a locked box?

What do I get up to?

- Thank you for that. - Are they yours is the question?

- Ooh. - (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

I do not like what is being implied here.

-Okay. -Okay.

Let's move on to the next ball.

- Hey, there. - Which is the stripey ball.

Hello, you have to use a loud voice.

(GIRL SPEAKING)

Fan fiction.

(ALL CHEERING)

What is so weird about this fan fiction that I am locking it

in a box under my bed?

That's what I wanna know.

This fan fiction is so cursed, I printed it off,

I laminated it and I put it in this box,

-so no one could ever see it. - I'm scared.

It's the Shrek fan fiction.

- It's the Saucy Shrek Fan Fiction. - Oh, my gosh.

It's in here.

Let's go to the last ball over here. The pink ball.

DAN: Hey. PHIL: Hi, what is in the box?

(GIRL SPEAKING)

PHIL: The stolen cereal?

That's the stolen cereal, okay, thank you.

The cereal that I am hiding from Phil.

- I would still find it. - That is the best guess.

- I could sniff it out. - Get the hell away from this,

you monster.

Okay, well, thank you, I agree with that one.

- That would be a good place to put it. - Yeah.

So let's return the balls to me.

Okay, everybody, throw the balls back to Phil.

Here we go, get them to the front.

All right, pink ball, here we go, Phil.

Ball number one.

- Receive, here we go. (LAUGHS) - Oh, my gosh.

And ball three.

- Here we go. Phil's got the balls. - Hey.

Hey, I feel like that was dangerously close to five seconds of exercise.

- Almost. - Slow it down there, mister.

The sport I would get a medal in, ball wrangling.

- That was pretty good. - I literally hate this whole thing.

Phil, remove your balls from the stage.

So, I don't know why you think I am keeping

a Speedo collection, some fan fiction

and cereal together in a box under my bed.

Well, Dan, I need both your hands for this bit.

So put the box down. Has anyone seen a key for the box?

It might be under your chair, like an old rusty key

probably smells weird, 'cause Dan owns it.

Has anyone seen a key for the box?

Sorry, what are we talking about right now?

That's your house key, that's not the key.

Sorry, everybody, this isn't an Oprah moment.

I have the key.

- PHIL: What? - Sorry, everybody.

- I have the key. - You had the key the whole time?

Obviously, it's my secret box, why wouldn't I have the key, Phil?

We could've done this in private instead of in front

of all these guys.

Could've done it in private, but then you're like,

"Oh, let's show 'em what's in your box."

- And here we are. - Right, give me the key.

Ooh, this is a bit Fifty Shades of Grey, isn't it?

Zero-shaming environment, thank you.

- Let's get it over with. - Let's see what's inside the box.

- Ooh. - Don't "ooh," what is it?

It's a glass jar.

Well, that's none of the things you said.

Congratulations, Susan, you got it wrong.

But, wait, Dan, there's something inside the jar.

- DAN: What? - Let's unscrew it.

- It's a mysterious scroll. -(LAUGHS)

Okay, still don't see how that's relevant.

Well, Dan, what if the things that Susan said are written

on this scroll?

Whoa, Phil, this scroll has been inside a glass jar.

- Yeah. - In a locked box

that has been here the whole time.

And three random members of Susan

said three extremely random things, there is no way

-that they could've known this. - I believe in Susan,

- I think we should have a look. - So do we have...

BOTH: The Speedo collection.

- I hope not, to be honest. - Here we go.

(BOTH READING)

DAN: Okay, that is freaky.

Oh, my gosh, I'm quite disturbed by that.

They knew. Okay, do we have the fan fiction?

BOTH: There's no way.

- Fan fiction! - Okay.

I'm kind of freaking out now.

- Not gonna lie. - There's no way we can get

-the cereal in as well. - It's hidden cereal,

-how could anyone... - Here we go.

- Cereal! - Oh, my God.

- Er... - Susan.

Do you have cameras in my bedroom or something?

- What is that about? - Oh, my gosh.

Yes. Oh, you do?

Great, the more I know.

Well, here you go, you guys tear this up,

share it between everyone.

Tear and share, oh, my gosh, it's like The Walking Dead down there.

-(LAUGHS) - Someone call Rick.

Well, I don't like that

that basically turned into kink shaming Dan.

But fun experiment, Phil.

I think it was a good thing, it showed that everyone

in the audience is just one blob that all thinks the same thing.

(LAUGHS) Okay. Phil, I think you showed in a big group,

people wanna fit in, but I don't think it's fair

to imply that everybody here is just the same kind of person.

- Really? - And they all think the same thing.

I feel like this can be the issue with fandom sometimes.

Is anybody here a member of a fandom of any variety?

(ALL CHEERING)

Say, when you have a favourite TV show

or YouTuber or book, it can be really fun

to join the community of people that like whatever that thing is.

You get to make friends with other people that have similar interests.

See all the amazing artists out there on the Internet.

Read all of the weird fan fiction.

It's all part of the fandom experience.

But sometimes the voice of a fandom can be so loud

that if there's anybody out there that maybe

prefers to think of themself as an individual.

- Yeah. - They might have their

own personal connection to whatever this thing is.

Sometimes these people don't get represented.

- Oh. - And if we want to give the people

what they want,

I think that these guys count just as much as anyone else.

But if they're all so different, how can we know what they want?

Well, Phil, that's why we decided to straight up ask you

in a survey.

That is right. Who is ready for some statistics?

(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)

You can't dab for statistics.

DAN: Yes, I can, statistics. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

PHIL: Wow.

Are you ready for some math? Can I get a woot-woot?

ALL: Woot-woot.

DAN: Yes. PHIL: Okay, before we start,

I need something from the flap.

Er, I personally think that props and costumes

are tacky, but Phil is a tacky person.

- So here we go. - Dan, take this.

- It's glasses and clipboards. - Wow.

'Cause we all know that glasses mean you're smart.

Right. guys?

It's a look.

So we asked you a series of interesting and revealing questions

that will tell us how you're all different from each other

and what it is that you want.

Yeah, we started off pretty easy with... (READING)

Obviously, very relevant to this experience.

Yeah, and the options were,

"Heck yes" and "Hell no".

Erm...

Phil wrote all of the options for this survey obviously.

I just wanted them to be spicy.

Definitely, well, you voted.

Let's see what you said.

BOTH: Oh. PHIL: Wait a minute.

This is looking quite close.

- That is not close. - That is not close.

71% of you said yes and 29 said no.

You are up for it in this room tonight.

- You are. - Fair enough,

although I feel like I have to point out to

-the 29% that said no. - Yeah.

By filling out this survey,

you have audience participated, so,

congratulations, you played yourself.

But, no, it's fine.

- This is a show for everybody. - It is,

so this question got a little bit deep.

And it was...

(READING)

This is the thing, you know a lot about us.

Our hobbies, interests, a few kinks apparently,

but is that the real Dan and Phil?

Or are the Dan and Phil you see on YouTube just

two characters that we act like because it's what we think

-you want to see? Hmm. - Well, the options for this one were

"Yes", "no", and "who are Dan and Phil?"

Who here would say, "Who are Dan and Phil?"

- Are you kidding me? - I had to add it in just in case.

I feel like Phil is ruining the survey here.

Well, let's see what you said.

Nobody watching this would say, "Who are Dan and Phil?"

24% of you said, "Who are Dan and Phil?"

Hold up, hold up, a quarter of you

said you don't know who we are.

- Wow. - Where do you think you are right now?

Shrek(the Musical?

(ALL CHEERING)

Well, this is a lot saucier than I thought it would be.

- Let's not think about that. - No.

But what about the 17% that said no?

Well, that's quite disturbing, Phil.

- Yeah. - Why would they say that?

- I don't know. - Why don't they feel like

they know you, Phil?

- They do. - Why are you so shady, Phil Lester?

- I'm not. - It's fine,

we'll come back to that later.

Okay, fine, well, the next one had some snazzy options.

It was... (READING)

This is an interesting one, because it tells us

what do you actually like about Dan and Phil.

- Yeah. - What is the content

that you are here for, is it the casual domestic stuff?

Is it the creative stuff with the editing?

Let's see those options, shall we?

So we have... (READING)

Obviously, a diverse set of options for everybody,

but clearly there's too many for this to just be shown

-in another bar graph. - Really?

No, this time, the results come in the form of

-a pie chart. -(HORN BLOWING)

Oh.

Didn't see that coming, did you? Ooh.

- That is right. - Dan really loves the pie chart.

Er, just so we're clear.

Most of the budget for this show went on generating

that pie chart, so this has peaked now.

- Yeah. - Well, what do they say, Phil?

Well, 40% of you, most of you, like "Phil is not on fire".

DAN: (LAUGHS) Really?

All right, classic choice.

- Fair enough. What? - But wait, wait, wait.

The next one is 21% of you like "Dan and Phil Crafts"?

Less of you said "Day in the life"

than "Dan and Phil Crafts."

Ream]?

(LAUGHS) Who thinks... Oh, I'm bored.

I wanna watch some Dan and Phil.

What should I load up? Square flakes.

Really? I doubt that somehow.

I think they were the ones cheering for Satan earlier.

That would explain it actually, I regret learning that.

Well, the next question was pretty interesting.

Controversial perhaps.

(READING)

And what were the options?

What Dan and Phil want or what the people want.

This is about our relationship.

Should we just be free spirits doing as we please?

Artists pursuing our vision and not caring what anyone says?

Or should we be making what you, our beloved audience,

say you want from us?

- Ooh. All right. - Let's see.

- Oh, it's close. - Wait a minute.

Whoa!

- That's nice. -53% said "what Dan and Phil want"

and 47% said "what the people want."

Oh, that is very divided, clearly, we are all very different.

- In this room tonight. - Yeah.

But that is not the end of the survey.

No, there was one final question.

The ultimate question, really, that we could've asked you.

We asked you.

Dan or Phil.

That is right.

We asked you to choose between us.

And I bet right now you're thinking, "What? No, that's not fair.

"I don't wanna do that." Well, guess what,

life is full of uncomfortable decisions.

And sometimes, you just have to deal with it.

And we didn’t just ask you, Dan or Phil.

Oh, no, that would've been too simple.

We asked, "Who you would rather sacrifice?"

And this is the thing, I bet you thought,

no one's actually gonna get sacrificed, this is just a silly survey

in a stage show, I can say whatever I want about Dan and Phil.

There's no consequences.

- Right? - Well, tonight, your actions

do have consequences, as whoever you chose

is gonna be put in mortal danger right now.

BOTH: Reveal the wheel!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

Oh. yes!

You thought our lives were a game?

Well, guess what, game over.

After the break, whoever you chose

is gonna be strapped to this wheel of death.

DAN: And whether they live or die will be on your hands.

So don't feel bad about your decision or anything.

Enjoy that on your conscience.

(ALL CHEERING)

(IN DISTINCT CHATTER)

(ALL CHEERING)

DAN: Oh, my God!

I can't believe you've done this to me!

Oh, I know, I'd sacrifice Dan.

It's not like he's gonna be strapped to a frickin' wheel or anything.

Oh, I'm glad that this is amusing you, right now.

Are you having fun? That's what counts, right?

Oh, God.

PHIL: Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, hi, Phil.

Hey, how are you doing up there, Dan?

How am I doing up here? Oh, I'm great, thanks for asking.

Thanks for picking him.

- Yeah, thank you. - So to prove this isn't a game,

I have donned my very best serial killer outfit.

You look like you're about to clean up a murder scene.

I might be about to clean up a murder scene.

As to prove this isn't a game and your actions have consequences.

I'm gonna be firing a sequence of increasingly dangerous projectiles

at Dan.

-(ALL CHEERING) - Why are you cheering for that,

you freaks?

This is the most dangerous thing attempted on a stage

at Interactive Introverts.

- Fact. - Yeah.

So, let's have a look what's in my box of fun.

Phil, I feel like you're neglecting to mention something

mildly important.

Yeah, I'm trying to miss Dan.

Phil is trying not to hit me, okay?

- Important clarification. - Yeah.

But if he does and I die,

it's your fault, because you chose to put me here.

-(ALL CHEERING) - PHIL: Okay.

Let us have a look at our first projectile.

The slingshot.

Made famous by Bart Simpson and probably a caveman.

DAN: Totally.

Don't have much experience with slingshots.

DAN: Yeah, believe it or not.

I think you just kind of pull it back like this.

Wait, wait, where are you aiming right now?

I'm aiming next to your leg.

Next to my leg because you're pointing that directly

-at my face right now. - I told you

I didn't have much experience.

I think we need a countdown from you guys. Here we go.

- Three, two, one. - Oh, God.

- Oh. -(LAUGHS)

- That was a fail. - Made famous by who? Bart Simpson?

- Let me try again, I'm trying again. -(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

You know what, I think Phil's having performance issues.

- I'm not having performance issues. - He is.

The moment came and then Phil just like...

Last try, it needs to hit the wheel.

- Okay - Right, here we go.

- Three, two... - Oh, my God, that's too close, Phil.

- Are you kidding me? - One.

Okay, the slingshot's not working.

Oh, well, what a shame.

Phil didn't get to violently injure Dan, boo-hoo.

- No. -(DAN LAUGHS)

Oh, I'm loving... Oh, God, oh, jeez...

Maybe I shouldn't be making fun of you.

I take it back, I take back the laughter.

The bow and arrow.

Forget Katniss Everdeen, this is Philmiss Spilladeen.

That didn't even make sense.

- I didn't really think so. - That makes no sense.

I'm not really sure how to use a bow and arrow.

Just in case you think this is rehearsed,

Phil clearly has no idea what he's doing.

I think you just pull it back like this.

-(ALL SCREAMING) - Oh, was that scary for you

for two seconds? Boo-hoo.

But I don't think Dan's taking this seriously,

I don't think you guys are learning your lesson.

So I think we need to make this a bit more dangerous.

What, no, no, we don't.

Let's get some side to side movement in the wheel.

All right, Phil, I feel very vulnerable right now.

- Please, don't hurt me. - Let's do a countdown. Three, two...

- Phil! - One!

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

I'm sorry.

Okay. If that was one inch lower...

Oh, my gosh.

I don't think we'd be friends any more, Phil.

Also, you'd have a much higher-pitched voice.

Where were you trying to aim right there?

I was aiming down here.

Yeah, well, it looked like you were trying to surgically remove my penis.

- So thank you for that. - I wasn't.

Oh, I'm glad that that was fun for you.

My entire life just flashed before my eyes.

- Oh, my gosh. - And I accomplished nothing.

Right.

- PHIL: The last projectile. - Oh, God.

- Yeah. - That h u rt.

The bazooka 3000.

DAN: Save me.

- My baby. - Why are you stroking it?

Sent back from the future just for this moment.

- Just to cause me pain. - Yeah.

But, you know what, I still don't think you're learning your lesson.

- I think we need more danger. - No, we don't. You already hit me once.

I think we need a full rotation of the wheel.

Stop, stop, stop. Ahhh! Ahhh!

- My God, Phil, please don't hit me. - Here we go.

- Three, two, one! - Oh, my God.

DAN: (SCREAMS) Stop, stop, stop.

- You hit me twice with the same ball. - I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me?

Right, get me the hell off this thing right now.

Oh, my gosh.

-(DAN PANTS) - PHIL: Did I get you in the leg?

You got me in the leg and almost the nipple, Phil.

Phil is going for the holy trinity of testicles, nipple and knee.

- I'm not. - There we go.

- Oh, clapping, more clapping, great. - I'm sorry.

Well, actually I'm glad that that all amused you so much.

But we were trying to make a very serious point about something right now.

- Yeah. - So, Phil,

take off your stupid murder apron

and tell everybody what this is supposed to be about.

It was their fault, not mine.

Oh, it was... They chose to put me here, you fired it.

- Yea h, true. - Okay.

So, what I was gonna say is

-everything in a... -(ALL CHEERING)

Ream]?

Dan, that's very distracting.

Oh, what, you're gonna cheer for me

getting undressed after what you just saw happen?

- Wow! - I'm just gonna stand behind this,

everybody look at Phil for a second.

- It's okay. - Oh, my gosh.

Mr Spotlight, can you just like point somewhere else right now?

I'm just gonna let you get undressed.

Everybody, stop looking at me.

This is a private moment right now.

Can I literally have one moment of dignity in my entire freaking life?

There we go. Dan got undressed.

- Yay. - Are ya happy?

Right, well, what Phil was totally failing to explain there

was, now you realise that your actions have consequences, okay?

Words can hurt and after that,

you all really regret what just happened, don't you?

- PHIL: No, they don't. - Really?

Well, they don't even care. Great. Wonderful.

I think everything in the first half

was very much "Dan and Phil against the bloodthirsty audience."

Yeah. Angry mob vibes. That's what I was talking about.

I think maybe for the rest of the show we should just calm the heck down a bit.

Maybe get a bit more personal.

Why don't we get a little bit more intimate.

(ALL CHEERING)

I feel like personal was fine as a word.

Sure!

So, what did we learn from that survey?

I think clearly everybody in this room right now is very different.

- Yeah. - It might be easy for you

to feel like you and all of your friends

are the same as the rest of our followers.

But obviously, that's just not the case.

And that's what makes it so hard for us to give you what you want

because apparently, you all want completely different things.

Yeah, I mean, a lot of you like audience participation.

Yes, indeed.

Quite a few of you like Dan and Phil crafts.

We're not talking about that. Trying to forget that.

But there was also this 17% of you

that said you don't feel like you know the real Dan and Phil.

- No. - So, I'll ask you again, Phil,

-why don't they trust you? - I don't know.

- What are you hiding? - Nothing.

Do you want to know a Dan and Phil conspiracy theory?

- What? - By me? Okay.

Here we go.

The real Phil Lester would still have an emo fringe.

This is a clone that killed the real Phil.

- No. - Where is the body?

I mean, you're one to talk, curly boy.

Oh, my God!

(GASPS) I'm a clone too.

No, seriously, is that not the case?

- Do they know the real Phil? - Yeah, they know the real me.

I think the thing is, when you're making a YouTube video, you're being yourself,

but you're also trying to be entertaining at the same time.

Right. Which might not seem totally

relaxed and natural but what, it's still the real you?

- Yeah, it's still the real me. - I mean, I'm the real Dan,

stood in front of all of you, right now. I promise.

It's just that I'm trying to be interesting.

If I wasn't trying to be interesting, I'd probably just be stood here like...

(IN MONOTONE) Hi, guys, how are you doing today?

- Dan, I think you'd be on a sofa... - Yeah, no, I would not be stood up.

I would be sat deeply embedded in a sofa crease

-with a burning hot laptop on my crotch. - Yeah.

And I would have a bowl of chips

under my chin and I'd be doing that thing, you know when you're too lazy

to pick them up out of the bowl, so you just try and lick them?

Like... (STRAINS)

That is what I would be doing right now if I didn't care.

That's the Dan I know. (LAUGHS)

I haven't always been trying to be entertaining on YouTube.

- DAN: No? - I mean, I made some pretty weird videos

-back in the day. - Yes.

Phil, he was really out there just creatively expressing himself.

Who here is a fan of Phil's 2007 content?

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) - PHIL: Thank you, people.

You say that, he deleted most of it for a reason.

I mean, I made a video called Snokoplasm...

Right. Phil, why don't you try and pitch Snokoplasm to your 2018 audience

and see if they'd care.

Okay. So I went to the shop

and I bought lots of different coloured shower gels

and then I went home, played some spooky music,

took my shirt off and rubbed them all over myself.

(DAN CHUCKLES)

But right, you were making a point about something, right?

It was a deep metaphor for recycling plastic or something.

No, I think I was just rubbing shower gel on my nipples.

Content.

But what, you wouldn't upload that now?

I don't think I'd upload that now,

'cause I'm trying to be entertaining as well.

- He cares about his audience. - I do.

Er, no. Well, that kind of, reminds me of my channel.

I mean, ever since Danis not on fire, died last year, rest in peace,

I've been on a personal quest to try to be more authentic.

I think a few years ago, I just used to think, "What's a YouTube idea

"that would get loads of views?" But these days, it's more like,

I'm looking into my reflection, crying at 3:00 a.m. going,

"How am I going to express myself on the Internet?"

- Which is fun, right? - Yeah.

But, what I've realised, is not everybody is actually interested

-in myself. - No.

It's kind of like the whole Wholesome Howell meme that happened last year.

- Does anyone remember that? - Yeah.

Oh, yes, 'twas a spicy meme. In case you don't,

and you're like, what's he talkin' about?

Basically, there was a period of a few months, last year,

where some people on the Internet

felt that I was joking about death too much.

Because personally, when something upsets me,

I like to make jokes about it to pretend that I feel okay

even if I don't on any level.

Sane, yes, thank you. Okay? It's a perfectly valid coping mechanism.

So there I was, screaming into the void.

A few people there were like, "Dan, this is so depressing, shut up."

So I thought, hey, fair enough, I will do something for these guys.

I wrapped a blanket around my head

and I posted a photo with some beautiful Comic Sans

saying, "From this day forward, I've decided to officially re-brand

"to Wholesome Howell and I promise

"from this day forward, I will only be good and positive and hopeful

"and I will never ever be sarcastic again."

And this is the thing, right?

Most people saw this and they were like,

"Coming from you, Dan, nice joke."

A few people though, took it completely seriously.

They saw this meme and they were like,

"Wow, finally this is the personality I've always wanted Dan to have."

Whoo! We love character development. And this is the thing, right?

If there is this version of me, that might not be who I am in real life,

but who some people on the Internet might prefer me to be,

should I just act like that, if it's what they'd rather see?

AUDIENCE: No!

- Okay, then. This is the whole debate. - I mean, I had a moment like that

earlier this year when I changed my hair.

Okay, Phil, you can’t just casually drop that in conversation, okay.

- This was a big deal. - It was.

Talk about globally important issues this year, like, North Korea stuff,

British Royal wedding, Phil Lester got rid of his emo fringe!

It was big news, people.

For anyone else, getting a haircut is no big deal.

But for me, I'd had this emo hair as Amazing Phil for 10 years.

- Ten years he did that. - Yeah.

And I thought it was a crucial part of who I was on that channel.

I mean, it was like, the symbol for your identity.

Who's Amazing Phil? He's the guy who still has an emo fringe.

It was the whole thing.

Yeah. So even though I really wanted to get a haircut,

and change it up, I didn't do it.

'Cause I thought that's what the people didn't want me to do.

I mean, you were genuinely afraid that if you changed your hairstyle,

-everyone would just abandon you. - Yeah.

But then, Phil, you changed your hair and here they still are.

(ALL CHEERING)

Well, it was either that or it was too late for you all to get refunds

and you just decided to show up anyway.

- We'll never know which it was. - No.

But something that was very unlike Phil,

but all of you seemed to love, was that time on my YouTube channel

the other month, when he dropped an F-bomb.

- Remember that? Exactly. -(ALL CHEERING)

And guess what?just for you guys, Phil is gonna do it again right now.

Go, Phil.

That was very liberating, but it was a one-time only thing

on Dan's channel. I don't think

I'm gonna start F-ing on Amazing Phil every week.

- You'd better not. - You know what I mean.

Do we? That would get demonetised, people.

It would.

But look, if there are these opposite side of us

that some of you enjoy the idea of so much,

who are we to deny you a bit of fun?

So, I say we should try out some role-reversal on stage this evening.

So, for the purpose of this role-play,

let's say I represent everything that's

nice and sweet and wholesome in the world.

Sure. Let's all imagine that.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

To be clear, that is actually how Phil sees himself. Okay?

- And Dan is evil. - Yeah, sure, I'm evil.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Firstly, can I just say I feel like I'm really working that lipstick?

I don't know about you guys.

What're you saying here, Phil?

What, you're good and I'm evil? Are we saying that

rock music and the colour red are evil things?

This all seems a bit reductive if you ask me.

No one cares, Dan.

But, what would happen if we switched places?

- Sure. - So, Dan became Wholesome Howell.

Let's imagine it.

- Ah, that just seems right. - And I became...

- What is the bad version of Phil called? - X-rated Lester.

-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

For the record, I hate that. Okay?

I really wish he'd said literally anything else.

Ooh. I already feel more dirty.

So, the way this works is we asked you

to give us examples of good things and bad things.

And we will now try and convince you that they are the opposite.

If we suck at this, then clearly,

we already have the personalities that we're meant to.

But if we're amazing, then maybe we should embrace these opposite sides

-of ourselves a bit more. - But the catch is

we don't know what you guys

have submitted and we've got to make it up on the spot.

So this will probably be an offensive disaster. All right.

- So Dan is gonna go first. - I'm channelling Sister Daniel.

My children, you are blessed.

Dan is gonna be given something bad

and he's gotta convince us that it's a good thing.

I don't know what's about to appear behind me,

but whatever it is, it's a good thing.

Okay. Dan, your first one comes from Bella,

-who says, "Wet socks." - Yeah. I'm ready.

- What? - Go.

You want me to convince you that wet socks are a good thing?

- Yeah. - All right.

Look, maybe, it would actually be a quite convenient thing to happen.

When you step out of a shower, you got a sock on and it goes...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

...and it soaks it up, hey, that is not a wasted sock.

This is an opportunity to be convenient.

You got some dying houseplants,

just walk up to them and you kick that cactus and there we go, it's hydrated.

You've got a messy kitchen floor, you just walk in with your wet sock

and you just do a little jig, there we go, polished.

- Okay, okay. - You have a friend who's looking there.

That friend isn't drinking enough water,

you just stick your foot in your mouth, you go, "Suck on this, here we go."

- Stop. - Saving lives.

-(BUZZER RINGS) - That is not a thing.

Some of them cheered for that. Okay? I'm just saying.

Do not suggest your friend should suck on your wet socks ever again.

It's a good idea. We need to stop the shame here.

- Okay. - Right, Phil.

Wait, I need to get into the evil zone.

Yeah.

(ALL CHEERING)

- What was that, an evil squat? - Yes, it was.

That counts as exercise. Phil, you are going to be given

a good thing. You have to convince all of us it is actually bad.

- Okay. - Your first one

comes from Malia

who said, flower crowns. Why are they bad, Phil?

- Go! - Ooh, okay.

- Flower crowns could be the worst. - Why?

What if your friend is wearing one, and you're like,

"It's made out of real flowers." So you lean over for a sniff.

You give it a big old sniff on your nose

and then you feel a buzzing in your nose

because you've inhaled a bee.

And then it starts crawling into your brain

and then it stings you on the brain and you die.

Wow! Okay, are we giving him that?

Really? Okay, fine. Take it, there you go.

- Yay. - Phil, that was quite traumatising.

Okay. Right. I'm ready for my next one. Here we go.

Dan, your next one comes from Milo.

What? Milo? Milo, what did you say?

Killing your best friend. Go!

Okay, you know what? There are some situations

where killing your best friend is the totally appropriate thing to do.

- Okay? "Really?

Like, when they steal your cereal.

I know, you're all thinking, aw,

this cereal stealing, this isn't serious. They joke about it.

No, this is deadly serious, okay.

Imagine me. It's the morning. I'm tired, I'm hungry, I go downstairs,

I'm excited for a bowl of cereal. I open the cupboard.

I see a five-kilogram family box of cereal.

There's no way it could be empty, right?

But then I take it out, I shake it. What comes out of the box?

(BLOWS) Dust.

Not only is Phil the kind of person that steals your cereal,

he is the kind of person

that eats your food and puts the empty box back in the cupboard.

And in situations like that, it is entirely appropriate

-to just murder that friend. - Oh, my God.

- Am I right everybody? Thank you. - You agree?

Okay. Look, Dan...

(ALL SCREAMING)

I'm calm, I'm calm, everything's fine.

As my grandma would say, "I'm a growing boy."

Better not be. Phil will be 9'12" next time you see him.

Just so we're clear, when I inevitably go to court

for murdering Phil, you are now all witnesses.

- Right! Phil... - I don't think I sound evil enough.

- Yes. -(IN DEEP VOICE) Yeah.

That went directly into my ear, people.

That was not the ASMR that anybody here asked for.

- Yeah it was. You loved it. - Phil, your next one

comes from Tegan. There is no way

that this could possibly be a bad thing, Phil.

- What? - Free Wi-Fi. Go!

- Okay, so you think free Wi-Fi is good? - Yes.

Well, that means everyone in the FBI can see everything you're doing.

So, they're just watching through your webcam

as you have a look on Wattpad and open that incognito tab

and write that fan fiction. They've read it all, and they've seen everything.

I feel very attacked and scared right now. Do you, too?

All right, then. You can have it, Phil. You can have it.

Whoo! Yee!

- Did you just "yee"? - Yee.

- Phil "yeed" with happiness. - I did. I did a "yee."

- Are you a fan of "yee" here? - Yeah?

Good one isn't it?

Okay, okay. Should we give them the official test?

- Yes. - Here we go.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(BOTH HUM TUNE)

AUDIENCE: Yee!

- PHIL: Wow. - Okay.

I love a good communal "yee."

In an evening where bees sting your brain

and people die on furry rave toilets,

that was the weirdest thing that's happened here tonight.

- It was. Yeah. - I hope you're aware of that?

Okay, right. Get off.

Do you know sometimes I do a little sexy dance

for my FBI agent, in case he's watching.

I'm just like...

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoever that guy is, he does not get paid enough, okay.

Right. This is my last one. I will get this right, okay?

- All right, Dan - Are you ready?

PHIL: The last one comes from Freddie.

Oh, just tell me. I hate this. What?

Human extinction. Go!

Oh, you know what? This is totally a good thing.

- Why? - Hear me out.

What is the worst thing about our universe?

Humanity. Am I right, everybody?

- Yeah. - That's it.

We have only been civilised for a few thousand years

and look at what we've done to the place.

We're polluting, we're killing all the animals.

I say, the sooner a giant meteor slams into the Earth

and creates another Ice Age that kills all the people,

the better for the universe.

- Really? - Am I right, everybody?

Exactly. So, giant meteor,

if you are up there in space, listening, I say, "Smack me, Daddy, I am ready."

I mean, I'm gonna give you that.

I'm very disturbed by "smack me meteor daddy."

It's the truth. It's the truth. Don't know what to say.

- Wow. - Phil.

- Last one. - Maybe that was the weirdest thing.

- This is your last one, Phil. - Okay.

It comes from Grace.

You've gone too far. This has gone too far.

Grace, there is no possible way that this could be a bad thing.

- What is it? - A billion puppies. Good luck, Phil.

Ooh, okay. I mean, that sounds nice.

You've got all the puppies

running through the theatre, you're having a great time.

But it says a billion. They start filling up.

And all of a sudden, they're floating all over us.

And then we can't breathe.

And then you've got puppies in your face and they're smothering you.

And the last thing you see is a paw in your eye.

Okay, okay, wait. Hold up, hold up.

Who here would like to drown in puppies?

Exactly. Sorry, Phil, no, no. Are you kidding me?

That would be an amazing way to die.

That is bright.

If there was a clinic in Sweden that offered that as a paid service

I would be on a plane tomorrow. I am not messing about.

- Wow. - Okay.

Well, on that note, I feel like that's a good time

to stop this before we get arrested.

- Yes. - Yikes.

Well, what did we learn from that disaster?

That I have a dark seed growing in my soul.

Definitely.

I don't think any of us would disagree with that at this point.

- What about you, Dan? - I don't know.

I feel like somewhere, in the dank cave of my soul,

a single beam of light just broke through the ceiling.

I don't know, maybe, I could be more wholesome.

- Maybe. - I think

there's clearly a happy middle ground

between just doing whatever other people want from you

-and only caring about what you want. - Yeah.

Because too much either way will go horribly wrong.

Yeah, so, I think so far we've learnt a lot about the connections

-between us and the audience. - Yes.

The connections that they all have with each other, as Susan.

Yeah, but there is one angle that we have not explored yet.

One connection that people probably want us to go deep into.

And that is the connection between Dan and Phil.

Oh, that's right.

Dan and Phil, super best friends and soul mates forever. Right, guys?

- Yeah? Or is that all a lie? - Oh.

And as soon as the camera turns off, we don't even talk to each other.

- What would you know? - Yeah, I secretly hate the guy. Bleh.

I am actually just an actor he hired for Phil is not on fire 10 years ago.

This whole thing got way out of hand.

Just one rogue game of Mario Kart and it's murder time.

That's not even a joke, but look, you only ever see the good side

of Dan and Phil.

- Dan and Phil laughing and smiling... - Yeah.

...and having a good time, but that's not realistic, okay.

- No. - This isn't the whole picture.

There is angst and tension and cereal-stealing related betrayal.

It is there! And if you want to connect with the real Dan and Phil,

-you have to see the dark side, too. - You do.

Are you ready for that?

Okay. Well, it is time to push our little bond until it breaks

in the Dan vs. Phil

Extreme Friendship Test.

We're gonna be doing a series of games and challenges

that'll push our friendship to the max.

But we hear you saying,

"What, doing some games and challenges? Where's the real tension in that?"

Well, that is why we decided to combine

everybody's favourite thing about TV game shows, buzzers,

with the easiest way to cause each other pain,

electrocution, to make these little guys.

We've strapped real electric shock devices to our hands

and we've got remote controls

that will zap the other person if they get a question wrong.

So, we will literally be punishing each other for being bad friends.

Are you ready for this?

PHIL: Yeah? DAN: Okay.

'Cause this is real and it is happening right now.

Well, let's start things off

with a quick lightning round, if you will.

Psychic connections.

Psychic connections is all about the unspoken bond between our brains.

Surely, we have spent so much time together,

we can just read each other's minds.

Yeah. So, we're gonna be given a category

and we both have to say a word from that category at the same time.

If we say the same word at the same time...

Psychic. Super best friends.

- If we say different words... - Zappy, zappy, ouch time.

Yes, okay. Well, let's see this category.

Coming from Ingi, it is "sticky things."

- Ooh. - Okay.

- Okay, wait, wait. I've got one. - Right. I've got one.

This is a very good example of a sticky thing.

- It's a classic. - Yeah.

- I'm beaming it to you. - Okay.

- You got it? Right. Are you ready? - Here we go.

- And glue! - A stick!

'Ow! 'Ow!

- What the hell did you say? - I said a stick. Sticky stick.

- It's a joke! - Are you serious?

- Yeah. - This is not the time for jokes, Phil.

Glue. It's a sticky thing. Glue.

Your mum's sticky.

I didn't think that through. I take it back.

- What did you just say? - I'm sorry.

Okay. Well, if that's how this is gonna go...

- In fact, this has to escalate, okay. - Yeah.

- We want things to get more tense. - We do.

Which is why, between each round in this Dan vs Phil,

we are going to turn up the power of the electric shock.

So, let's do that right now.

Up to level two.

- Finger is in the yellow. - Yes.

This next round is called Phantastic Phacts.

See what we did there? Very creative.

With Phantastic Phacts, we're gonna be given a trivia question

about the other person that we should know.

Well, I feel like I know everything about your life for no reason.

- So I'm ready. - First one is for Dan.

- Tell me. - It comes from Heather.

"What did Phil buy for Mother's Day in 2006?"

What?

I mean, you should know this.

How would I know what you got your mum in 2006?

Looks like some people in the audience know it.

- Is this a thing? - Don't help him. Don't help him.

I don't know. Chocolate?

- No! - Oh, frik... What?

It was a monkey trapped in a cage.

Or as Northern Phil would say,

(IN NORTHERN ENGLISH ACCENT) "a monkey trapped in a cage."

- From your first... - From my first video blog.

The plastic monkey in a cage is what you got your mother for Mother's Day?

Yeah. She loved it.

- Did she now? - Yeah.

Right, well, you know, that's something new for me.

Phil, you must be a very unique son to have.

I'm ready for you. Okay. Phil, your question is from Skye.

(READING)

- Oh. - This is a good one.

This is the kind of stuff that you should know about your friends.

- Yea h, okay. - Right?

- Wait. I think I know it. - He thinks he knows it.

All right. What is it, Phil?

I'll tell you what it was, what it really, really was.

It was the Spice Girls.

- No! It was not the Spice Girls. - Ow.

Ooh.

DAN: Ooh, weird noises.

That was my first album, Phil. But it wasn't on CD, it was on tape.

- Oh. - That is right.

- Oh, nice try, Phil. - Okay, granddad, with your tapes.

- Oh. - Says you.

What was your first album on? A rock?

Right.

Wow. It is time for the next round.

Let's turn up this power again.

Clearly, things are just going to get quite heated here.

- Yeah. - I'll let you introduce it.

The next round is the Oscar-nominated,

- Grammy award nominated... - Yes. Totally.

...other things nominated.

- Dan Phil or Rat. - That's right.

- This is in the show. - Yeah.

- Phil wanted this in the show. - Yeah. I did.

So we're gonna be looking at photos of Dans, Phils or rats.

- But they are super-zoomed in. - Enhanced to ridiculous levels.

And we've got to guess whether we're looking at...

BOTH: Dan, Phil or rats.

That is literally the whole game. Well, Phil, you can go first.

Let's see this image.

- Okay. - Is that Dan, Phil or a rat?

What is... I mean...

I mean, what do you think, Susan?

- Shout it out. - What do you think it is?

I mean, that just sounds like, "raaa".

Don't speak at the same time. This is completely useless.

- Not helping me. - What do you think, Phil?

I mean, I think it looks quite a lot like my hair. It's the same shade.

This is not greasy enough to be Phil's hair at all.

Right. I'm gonna go with Phil.

He's saying Phil. All right. Let's zoom out.

It is... Oh, a rat! (BUZZING)

- Oh, oh. - Waa, waa, waa.

- Phil is a rat confirmed. - That was a tingly one.

- A tingly one? - Yeah.

All right. Don't sound like you're enjoying it or anything.

- Now, I'm ready for mine. Show me. - Okay.

- What's that? - What is that?

It looks like some kind of body part.

I really don't want to play guess the body part.

What are you looking at?

Okay, I have thought, I think this is either

the ear of a rat, you know what I'm saying.

It kind of looks like a rat's ear.

Or this is Phil doing his weird hand thing.

- You know what I'm talking about? - My gosh.

I am going to say that that is a picture of Phil.

- Okay, here we go. - Here we go.

- No! - Oh! What the...

Oh, oh my God. I kicked the bench.

That really hurts. That hurt more than the electricity.

Was that your first ever fursuit, Dan?

Can I just say that is definitely the most cursed image on the Internet.

I am so sorry that anybody here had to see that.

You got it wrong.

Well, I guess it's time for the last round.

So we have to turn it up one more time.

And at this point, it gets really quite uncomfortable, okay.

We really want to avoid getting shocked here.

It's more than tingly. And the last round is...

The most dramatic round of all. Dan and Phil dilemmas.

(GASPS)

We're gonna be given a dilemma where something good could happen to us

or something terrible happens to the other person.

Or maybe the other person

is in mortal danger and we need to sacrifice something

in order to save them.

This will show once and for all

how far would we really be willing to go for each other.

All right, well, Dan, you can go first.

I'd do anything for you, Phil.

- Really? - Let's see. Let's see, shall we?

- Okay, the first one is from Alexis. - Hit me.

(READING) "Phil is about to fall off the Grand Canyon."

Is it wrong that I can really easily see that happening?

I mean, that would happen.

Shoelaces are untied, taking a selfie. Splat. There we go.

- But... - But, what's the catch?

"To save him, you have to revert to your old branding."

- No, no! - Oh.

Alexis, you twisted freak, how could you even imagine this?

0h, my gosh. Okay.

You'd be leaning over the edge, like, "Hi, my name is Dan."

- Really? Thank you, Phil. -(ALL CHEERING)

PHIL: So many square brackets.

Okay, yeah, everybody going at that at me right now from the audience,

I will find you and block you, okay.

That is a threat.

What're you gonna do? You gonna save me?

- Right. - Dan?

Is this like, a high part of the Grand Canyon

or is it like, a shallow bit of the Grand Canyon?

Dan, it's literally called the Grand Canyon for a reason.

There's some parts over water, right?

I'm sure you would be fine if you fell in it.

What?

- Are you seriously... - Yes, this is serious.

...asking what I'd do in this situation?

- Honestly, obviously, I would save Phil. - Aw.

Are you kidding me?

You'd save me.

Did anybody here actually think I would say no to that?

- A few people. - Really?

- Wow. Well, Phil, it's time for yours. - Thanks.

- Okay. - This one comes from Juanita

who said... (READING)

- All right. Painful. - That's gonna hurt.

Some jellyfish can kill you if you get stung by them.

But, Phil, to save him you have to pee on his leg.

What?

I'm not... Is that meant to heal the jellyfish sting?

Well, we know what juanita's into.

- Phil, what would you do? - I'm not peeing on your leg.

lam in searing pain, Phil.

I could be having an allergic reaction and I would die on a beach.

I think that's a myth. I don't think pee is even gonna stop it.

Some people do this for fun and you wouldn't do it to save my life?

No, I'm not peeing on your leg.

- Are you serious? No! - Ow!

- Bad Phil. - Wow, that kept going. Jesus.

Hold on to that pain, Phil, 'cause that was the tingle of being a bad friend.

Oh, my gosh, that was a fizzy one.

Okay, well, I think Phil's a bit too stimulated right now

so how's about we have a look at the final scores?

- Okay. - After that, Danny coming in

with a thick score of...

BOTH: One.

- I tried. I tried. - And Philly gets...

Wait a minute, what did Phil get?

- Ooh. -(DAN LAUGHS)

- Did I really get zero? - That is nothing to be proud of.

Guess we can say the good news first.

We decided to keep a running track of who won every Dan vs Phil on this tour.

So by the end of Interactive Introverts,

we will know officially which of us is the better friend.

And are you ready to find out?

After all of the tour, Dan is coming in with...

Thirty-five. Thank you. Nice big number.

And what's Phil... Can we see how many times Phil has won?

- Boo. - Aw.

I thought I was clawing it back.

There it is, sorry.

It's like Dan and Phil games all over again.

I am the better friend. You never stood a chance.

- Why? - Yeah.

I'm Phil trash number one.

(ALL CHEERING)

PHIL: Wow, really?

For every winner, there is a loser.

And, Phil, that's you. And that means you have to take the forfeit.

And there is no all or nothing to save you this time.

Phil, stand on the hexagon.

The forfeit is to take one final electric shock at maximum power.

- Oh, gosh. - So, can we now

turn it up all the way to maximum?

I don't like it.

Remember, you're here because you're a bad friend.

Any final words?

Dad.

I feel like he needs this. Okay.

Oh, I've been waiting for this a long time. Here we go. And zap.

- Oh! Mother Goose. - What?

- That was a close one, Phil. - Of course, it was close.

Mother Goose.

I think this is gonna take a few minutes to recover from that.

- Yeah. - As will Phil apparently.

Wow. I mean, I think this is a good opportunity,

without all the screens and the lights and the sound,

just to have a chat with these guys, you know.

What, just have a casual conversation about something?

- Yeah. - All right. What about?

Why don't we get casual? I think I might plonk myself here.

Okay. Wow!

Look at how casual he's being right now.

Okay wait, me too. Here we go.

Sorry, too casual, too casual.

I take that back. That was too casual.

That was a bit too casual.

So I wrote down some questions from you guys and I thought we could answer them.

Well, Phil, what do they wanna talk about?

Well, our first one is from Kate.

- Hey, Kate. - Hey.

Sorry, was that casual? I feel like that was a bit creepy. Try again.

Let me try again.

- Hi. - Much better.

Kate says, "'Sup D and P?"

Sup, K'? What up'?

And Kate said,

"What is your favourite thing about going on these long-ass tours?"

- What's an ass tour? - Dan!

Is that just like a tour where you walk around showing people your ass?

No, thanks.

I haven't heard about that.

- No. Stop! - Is that normal with big acts?

Or else I'm going to a weird mental place that I don't like.

- Come on, Phil, what's your answer? - Okay. I think...

I think what it is, is it's so nice to go to so many different places.

You go on a tour bus. You wake up in a new place.

- See some sights. Go outside. - He's lying.

All Phil cares about is the breakfast.

- Dan! - Honestly.

You know what Phil cares about?

Room service pancakes. That is the truth.

- Okay. - That is the only reason

Phil is here right now.

The pancakes are my favourite part. But there are other bits too.

But he likes going outside as well.

- What about you, Dan? - Er.

Honestly, I think it's getting to see our audience in real life.

- Aw. - I know, I know.

That sounds really sucky. But honestly, like

everything we do is on the Internet and that makes it really hard

for us to understand like, how real things are.

So when we get to see the people that watch us on the Internet, in real life,

we see the effect we have on people,

that puts it all into perspective.

It makes the whole thing worthwhile.

So honestly, that is my answer to that.

Aw.

Dan, I think Wholesome Howell is leaking.

Oh, God. Bleh. Okay, right, next question. Quickly.

The next question comes from josh.

- Hey, josh. - Hey.

- Josh... - I am sorry about this man.

Josh said, "I really like this guy in my class,

"but I'm scared he will reject me for being an anime-loving nerd."

It's a romance question.

BOTH: Ooh!

Sorry. Sorry, this is a real person talking to us vulnerably right now.

Okay, well, oh, josh also said, "HELP" in capital letters.

- Well, that is a big mood, people. - Bit serious.

- So, josh, if this person... - Hit us with the dating advice, Phil.

Yeah, if this guy doesn't love you for your anime-loving self,

-then he's not worth it. - Yes, Phil, yes!

- Yeah. - That is the truth right there.

You should never change yourself to impress other people.

You need to love yourself and let other people find you.

And hey, if that moment, in this room, where everybody 'yeed' at the same time,

showed anything, it's that there is literally

a weirdo out there for anybody.

Am I right, guys?

Just go out there and find another anime-nerd.

- Good luck with that. Thank you. - That's good advice, Phil.

- And the last one, it comes from Amir. - Hey, Amir.

- He says, "Hey," - Should I say, "Heymir?"

Sorry, that was awful. I'm sorry.

Amir said, "I'm just wondering

is there anything about your life that you really regret?

Oh, fun. Okay, great question.

- Wonderful. Well, let's see. - Okay.

The year was 2006. I was making a YouTube channel.

Create a username, it said. He typed, Danis not on fire. Ahhh!

But look, I get this a lot. People say, "Dan, do you just like

"die cringing everyday thinking about

"everything that you've ever done wrong in your life?"

I get that, right.

But honestly, everything that you ever do wrong, all the mistakes

that you make, all of your regrets, they are things that you learn from.

And they make you the person that you are today.

If I didn't do all of the things that I regret,

I wouldn't be sat here right now.

Aw.

So honestly, if you are thinking about times you messed up,

things that you did wrong, just think, what did I learn from that

and you love yourself because that is the truth right there, okay.

Wow! Good answer, Dan.

I kinda regret most of my career, but yeah, that's my answer. Okay.

You know what, I'm gonna say I am glad that Phil got electrocuted

as I enjoyed this time getting casual with all of you.

- Yeah. That was nice. - It was nice.

All right, now, Phil, stand up without tripping over.

- Okay, it's a real challenge. - Can he do it?

- I'm alive. - He did... Oh, my God. He did it.

- That was close though. - It was close.

- I saw you do a little wobble. - Well, this has

definitely been an emotional roller coaster.

- It has. - I mean, we've had sincere moments

talking about nice stuff, a couple weird ones too.

We learned a lot about the audience as Susan.

Yes, Even though some things I'd rather forget that we talked about.

Like the stuff under your bed?

Yeah, where I'm gonna die on a furry rave toilet.

Before we go, we just want all of you to know,

that me and Phil, we appreciate that this time in our lives,

where we can travel around the world

and people on the Internet will actually come outside to see us in real life.

- Yeah. - This is the special time in our lives.

Like, imagine Phil, he's a 110, looking back at all the good times...

Okay, he's a 100, thinking about the good times...

- It's been 84 years. - Yes. He'll be like,

I remember when we did the show and talked about furries and Satan.

- That was us, everybody. - That was us.

That was all of you and us

-watching this right now. - Yeah.

And we will have these memories forever,

whether you like it or not.

Yeah, and there might be loads

of reasons why you guys are here in the audience tonight.

- You might like our videos... - Hopefully.

-...you might like the community. - Yes.

- You might like Dan's memes. - There's a lot of those.

And who knows what the future holds.

Death. Death is what the future holds. It's coming. It's coming.

Oh, my gosh.

In all seriousness, it doesn't matter who we all are

or how we're different or what we want or why.

'Cause at the end of the day,

making you guys happy is what makes us happy.

Which is why we wanted to come and do this.

So hopefully, you feel like we have pleased you...

- And we have given you what you want. - DAN:Yes.

(LOUD CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER". It's time for the first ever

Annual Interactive Introverts Golden I Awards

Please give it up for your hosts with the most, Phil and Dan.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, hello there, everybody.

Yes, these are our pyjamas.

We got them out just for now.

It's been a wonderful evening of comedy and community action.

It's now time to celebrate the most important people in the room.

BOTH: You guys!

Yeah, that's right. Like I said at the start,

this show would just be a reflection of who you are.

If you were all boring, then this entire thing would've been a flop,

but no, this show was funny and creative and interesting

because that is what you made it.

So can you give yourselves a round of applause please.

- Yeah. - Yes! Thank you.

Well, it's time to celebrate you guys with the Golden I awards.

Check out this little statue, made it ourselves.

Technically, it's two statues tied together, but

you know, it's Dan and Phil, it's got the colours of the show going on.

- So, you see what we went for there. - We're also naked. Look at those butts.

Okay, I now realise that two naked men

strapped together probably isn't

the best symbol for Dan and Phil we could have come up with,

but apparently you love Dan and Phil craft so much, we're not good at this.

- On to our first award... - Which was...

The most inaccurate prediction of Interactive Introverts.

Now, before this tour started, a lot of you were like,

what the hell are they gonna do on stage for two hours?

And some of you, you got it right. The things that happened here today.

- Others of you got it so wrong. - So wrong.

Like, really? That's what you thought was gonna happen tonight?

- And this is your time to shine. - Our first nomination is,

Lexi!

(READING)

Two bros chilling on a sofa.

One feet apart because they're stuck.

They have been browsing the Internet for days.

They haven't seen sunlight or water.

They're gonna die on the couch. Yep, that's us.

That would be us. We're never gonna escape the sofa crease.

Our next nominee is,

BOTH: William.

(READING) Two hours of dabbing in complete silence.

- What would that be like? - Curtain raises, ahem.

That would've been a better show.

Okay, that could've happened. It was our backup idea.

The winner is...

By far the worst prediction of all comes from...

BOTH: Syd. (READING)

- Oh. - Wow.

That would not surprise me at all.

I can literally see that happening very easily.

Well, I'm so glad that you haven't died yet, Phil.

- Thanks. - There we go.

Our next award celebrates the heroes in the room with us tonight.

We are, of course, talking about the parents that were forced to be here.

(READING)

Oh, yes.

We scoured the lobby looking

for the most bored, confused, terrified parent out there.

They really don't want to be here, okay.

But you were like, I need you to drive me.

And they were like, Oh, why did I ever have kids?

And this is to say, thank you.

Our first nominee is...

BOTH: Terri.

Oh, my gosh. Terri just made it outside and got dragged back in the door.

She would rather be watching the paint on her nails dry than sit through this.

I am so sorry that you had to be here, Terri.

Sorry. Our next nominee is...

We have Marla.

Just looking for some kind of escape in the air.

Marla is looking up to God for salvation.

Marla, there is no God in this house.

But the winner is...

By far the biggest sour-puss in the land, it is...

BOTH: Bill!

Oh, my gosh. Is that a yawn or just a physical scream of pain?

I think he’s just screaming in anger.

He looks like he's ready to actually do

a Choke Me Daddy and not in a good way.

- You know what I'm sayin'? - Wow.

To Bill and to everybody else

that was forced to be here against their will,

thank you for your sacrifice.

Heroes, every single one of you.

Yeah. Our next award is for the furry friends among us.

Fluffy not furry. We've covered furry. We are talking about pets in...

The best pet dressed as, Dan and/or Phil.

Oh, yes. We asked you to dress up your pets as the two of us.

And let's see what you sent in.

Our first nomination comes from...

- Kiera! - Oh my gosh!

Oh, my God! That is incredible.

We have the Phil glasses, a plaid shirt, the cereal and a succulent, people.

That actually looks like me.

What are you the real Phil, or are you a dog, right now?

- Honestly, I can't even tell. - I can't tell the difference.

That is incredible. Thank you, Kiera.

Our next nominee. This one comes from...

Kaylee.

It's the Dan plant.

Let's be honest, that facial expression is very accurate, right.

That cactus has no soul, neither do I.

- But slight bit of critique. - Yeah.

The plant is alive, I am dead inside.

- So almost, but pretty good. - Very true.

But the winner is...

The best pet dressed as Dan and/or Phil comes from...

BOTH: Kenzie!

- Oh! - Ahhh!

It's the pastel guinea pigs.

- Oh, my God! I want to eat them. - Same.

You know what I'm saying?

That is the cutest thing. It has a tiny lettuce. That is too much.

Thank you, Kenzie, for that incredible content.

Thank you.

But there's only time for one more award this evening.

- And this is the big one. - The big boy.

The "Giving The People What They Want" award.

This award goes to the one thing

that all of you want to see us do the most.

And whatever wins this award, we will do live on stage...

BOTH: Right now.

So, hope you're ready 'cause this is it.

The first nominee is...

(READING)

(ALL CHEERING)

The fabled Phil vs himself challenge that you never put on YouTube.

- No. - That would be something.

The next nominee is...

(READING)

All right, I guess that's something people know I can do

but I've never shown it before. Fair enough.

And our final nominee is...

(READING)

Some tough contenders but there can only be one winner.

And the winner is...

BOTH: It's the video of the dog!

All right. Are you ready? Let's play this video.

DAN: Here we go.

It's so majestic.

- This is amazing. - Trample me.

Have you ever seen anything this beautiful?

- Come to me, come to me. Whoo. - Wow.

Well, I don't know about you

but that was the highlight of my entire life, right there. Whoo.

And there we go. I hope that you have all enjoyed the show.

Wait, but, Dan, if we're giving the people what they want,

surely we could do something else from that list as well.

Okay. No, no, no. There can only be one winner,

otherwise it would ruin the point.

Plus, it was a lovely dog video.

So I don't... What? What is it?

Phil, what're you doing? They voted for the dog. Don't do this.

- Please don't do this. Oh, God. - Take this.

It's time for something fresh from two years ago.

I am so sorry this is happening.

Why not be amazing? You're about to get Philled in.

Here we go.

# My name's Phil Lester thankfully not Noel

# It's finally time to make my Diss Track yo

# You thought I was too innocent to roast myself

# Watch out bitch this might be bad for your health

# A YouTube dinosaur has channels older than your mum

# So insanely clumsy always falling on his bum

# Some people think he's weird 'cause he doesn't like cheeses

# He's so fricking pale you'd think the sun gave him diseases #

Yeah, I just rhymed cheeses with diseases.

He did that.

This is only gonna get more brutal.

So you might want to call an ambulance for me or for yourself.

Drop it, Phil.

# He's called amazing Phil # What?

# Why's he so great? # Don't know

# For 10 years he had hair from 2008

# All that time hiding behind the fringe

# And on top of all that he's secretly ginge

# He quiffed it up what was this a re-brand?

# If he didn't dye it black he'd be totally bland

# But innocent', whatever wait till you 're in private

# Mouth so dirty you sound like a pirate

# They call you an angel you know that's a lie

# 'Cause don't wanna get demonetised

# You think he's so sweet he won't even say crap

# He won't!

# I bet you'd even censor and swear in this rap

No, no, Phil, you're not allowed to swear on stage.

- I can't swear? - I will censor you so don't try it.

- Don't be so (BLEEP). - Oh! Okay.

- No, seriously, Phil we'll get fined. - What the (BLEEP)

- Please get back to rapping. - Okay.

Here we go.

# You like a badly Photoshopped Benedict Cumberbatch

# Now I realise nothing rhymes with Cumberbatch

What?

# So I guess this verse doesn't rhyme

Okay, that's it, I'm done. Sorry, I'm leaving. Bye.

# I better get going and end the dance

# I murdered this beat like I murder house plants

# You can 't keep a cactus why do you want a dog?

# I'd give it three weeks until the funeral vlog

# Don't get me started on that guy called Dan

# The reason I'm here his people shit ban

# More followers than me I'm living in his shadow

# Next thing you know he'll be playing the piano #

(PIANO PLAYING)

(LOUD CHEERING)

Hey there, everybody. How're you doin'?

-(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - All right. All right.

This is a little improvised number.

It's a true story about two guys called Dan and Phil.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Come, have a seat here, buddy.

All right.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

# Once upon a time there was a boy named Dan

# With brown emo hair and a weird brown tan

# He spent a lot of time on the Internet alone

# Then on YouTube he found a place to call home

You know where this is going.

# A magical world of skateboarding cats

# Of vloggers and filmmakers and some big-headed twats

# But Dan enjoyed this world on his own until

# He met a black-haired emo called Amazing Phil

- That's you. - That's me.

# This Phil guy, he was weird but also pretty rad

# He talked about his life and he, er, wore a lot of plaid

# Dan wanted to join in but he couldn't make his clips

# So he asked hey, buddy, can I have

# Some editing tips

All right, Phil. Time to join in.

Wait, what're you doing? Phil, no, don't do this.

# Shut up, Dan, this piano is whack

DAN: Really?

# People love the rap, so Philly is back

You think they love the rap?

# So you'd better hurry up with the story of this track

# We've been friends for 10 years they all know the tale

# If he didn't know me he'd be sat in jail

DAN: Oh, would I? Would I be in jail?

No, he's looking at me like this is a betrayal.

DAN: Yes, this is a betrayal.

# I guess it's time to bail #

Really, you're just gonna leave, are you?

Phil, Phil come back here, right now.

Phil. Take off the hat.

I think people might prefer if you pause the rapping

and joined in with the piano singing instead. Right, guys?

Okay, okay. Phil, just stand in the middle,

sing something nice about the audience. Can you do that?

Yeah.

# The future's unclear but I know this is true

# You're as important to us as we are to you

# We didn't know we'd make it this far

# But now we're on a stage and here we are #

Very good, Phil, very good.

Sorry, but you're kneeling in the way of my spotlight right now.

- Oh. - Yeah.

This is the Dan and Phil show,

not the Phil and background piano guy show.

Should we sing this together instead?

-(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY) - All right.

So what are we forwarding the story to now?

# 'Cause we're two interactive introverts

# Interactive introverts

# We don 't care if it hurts or not

# We just want to give the people what they want

# Because we're interactive introverts

Hey, you know, it's funny that

we've been friends for so long and we haven't fallen out yet?

Well, there's plenty of stuff for us to argue about, Phil.

# Your houseplants that die

# You don't go outside

# Your vision is blurry

# You are a furry

# We're starting to fight which means that this is too long

# I guess we might not make it to the end of this song

# 'Cause we're two interactive introverts

# Interactive introverts

# Thanks for watching and for all of the memes

# It's been terrible for our self-esteem

# Because we're interactive introverts

# Interactive introverts

# We don 't care if it hurts or not

# We just want to give the people

# What they want #

(LOUD CHEERING)

BOTH: Thank you, everybody!

Thanks and good night.

Hope you all enjoyed the show.

Thank you for coming, everybody.

- Thanks, guys. - Thank you.

- Thanks, everyone. - We'll see you later.

- Thank you, guys. - Thanks, guys.

PHIL: Hope you had a good time. Thank you for coming.

Everyone at the back over there.

We appreciate you leaving the house to come see two nerds from YouTube.

Thank you! And we will see you back on the Internet.

- Good bye, everybody. - Bye!

(LOUD CHEERING)