Original subtitles

[birds chirping]

[footsteps]

[playful laughing]

[no dialogue]

[dripping sound]

[heavy breathing, moaning]

[slow, heavy breathing in sound design]

[breathing stops]

[no dialogue]

[no audio]

[heavy breathing]

Jennifer: You think Ben's gonna let us take the van into town?

Cat: Ha, good luck with that.

Jennifer: Seriously? I can't go in the woods.

Cat: I am not pissing or shitting for three days.

Oh come on, I thought you ladies were tougher than that.

You're gonna let me borrow the van, right?

Yes, I'll let you borrow the van. But you're gonna be missing out.

On what?

On being one with nature.

Please.

What, before we had the niceties of indoor plumbing, that's how man connected with nature

by pissing and shitting in the woods.

Well, woman is taking man's van to the nearest porcelain throne

or else nature will be the only thing man gets to connect with this weekend.

Woman gets what woman wants.

Damn skippy I do, hmm. And since it's your birthday you just might get what you want to!

Okay.

Let's go!

What's up your butt?

Nothing yet, let's keep it that way.

[Indie rock song playing on radio]

Cat: I mean you could have at least checked him out, what if he was hot?

I'm not gonna hook up with some guy in a random bathroom.

He probably would have slit your throat.

Or stuffed it.

What? Eww.

You just got out of a relationship, right?

Yes, I am back on the market.

I'm just saying, it may be time to do a litle whoring around.

What?

Are we not talking about that?

Why did I come?

Because I asked you to?

Why did you do that?

Because you're my friend, and I need somebody to have fun with while these two are screwing each others brains out.

Yeah so, when does the fun start?

How about right now?

I like it.

Oooh, gimmie, gimmie, gimmie, gimmie.

Yoink!

[indie rock song plays on the radio]

Cat: No water, no electricity.

Nice one.

No reception though.

I think we'll manage.

Guys it's gonna be awesome, grab your shit!

Well now that I know I can pee in a toilet like a civilized human, I kinda wish I would've gotten Ben a birthday present.

Aww ya know, you just being here, it's enough for him, but if you really wanted to get him something.

What?

Scuze me.

Josh: What is she doing?

God only knows.

All right, so there's two bedrooms in the back.

Girls in one, guys in one.

You're not sleeping with Cat?

Oh I'm gonna sleep with her, I'm just not gonna 'sleep' with her, it's some weird promise she made to her mother.

Really?

Ooh, we have a deck!

So who was he?

Who?

The guy.

Oh that was Mark, he's gonna come to the party tonight.

Cat.

What?

It's your boyfriend's birthday.

Yeah!

So you invited a stranger to your boyfriend's birthday party?

So?

All right, it's none of my business.

Josh, you need to loosen up a little bit.

Want a little something to get you in the mood?

No, not right now, no.

Ok, but don't you rain on my parade cake boy!

So that's your old roomate.

Yep.

She's special.

Yep.

What's a cake boy?

[no dialogue]

Do you want the left, or the right?

Uhh...

Relax man, I'll sleep on the couch.

Are you sure?

Yeah, its' not a big deal.

As long as I can keep my stuff in here though.

Yeah, that's fine, not a problem.

Get your trunks on, let's go swimming.

No, I did not bring trunks.

Who doesn't bring trunks? Here, I got a spare pare.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So is it like, a lake?

Well yeah, it's a nice little walk from here, not too bad.

But it's not like, gross or anything, right?

No, nice an clean. Come on, let's go!

I like the little froggy.

He's cute.

You ladies ready?

Bitch, we've been ready.

Josh, hurry up!

What's this?

What's what?

Where are the red briefs I bought you?

I didn't bring those.

Go look in the leg of your spare blue jeans.

Look at what I'm wearing, look at what I'm wear-

I dress sexy for you all the time, the least you could do is wear something sexy for me.

Quid pro quo.

But on my birthday?

Your birthday is in jeapordy if you don't go in there and change into those briefs.

Fine.

Go!

Get!

I swear to God, I gotta put a shock collar on him next.

Josh, did your ex ever tell you what to wear.

All the time?

No.

Well-

You're lucky.

What's taking so long?

God.

I thought we were supposed to be the slow ones.

Are you ladies ready to pass judgment on Josh?

Yes!

Judgement shall be passed!

Yes! Woo!

Josh rocks!

Very nice.

We love Josh!

Why does he get to wear trunks, and I don't?

Because he's nobody's bitch anymore.

Oh, and I am?

Yes! You're my bitch!

Oh...

This better be a Hell of a birthday present.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

To the woods!

Boys first.

We go first?

Yeah, you guys go first.

Why?

Spiders.

Spiders?

Yeah!

I hate spiders.

I don't care.

You'll be fine.

Cat: You have not yet learned, that is better to just do what I say, cause that makes everyone happy.

Josh: I don't know why we can't just go to the beach like normal people.

Ben: We are going to a beach, there's a beach at the lake!

Josh: It's a dirty, gross lake.

Ben: How do you know? You've never been there.

So I have a favor to ask you.

Yeah?

It's about Ben's birthday present.

Oh yeah, what'd ya get him?

A faberge egg.

What?

No, I'm gonna fuck his brains out!

Don't you guys do that like, all the time?

Well yeah, but there's all these things that he wants to try, and I'm like, eww.

So I figured I could do one of those, or you could help me with something that would so super duper awesome, it would totally blow his mind, and he'd never forget!

What are you talking about?

The three of us.

Oh my God.

What?

I can't believe you just asked me to be in a three way.

People do it. It's not weird.

I can't make out with Ben.

Why not?

I can't make out with you!

Why Not?

Because I'm just not into that.

You're not into that.

Really?

How do you even know he's into me?

Trust me. He is.

You're serious.

Mmm Hmm.

He's your boyfriend.

Sharing is caring.

Oh my God.

You know, we just have to do it like, you know one time, we'll take a vow of secrecy.

On this wild and crazy weekend, we'll never have to talk about it again.

Even just a little bit would be so awesome. Please, please, please, please, please think about it?

I'll think about it.

Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I didn't say yes!

Well thank you for thinking about it.

Is there anything I couldn't do?

Girl, this is gonna be some fun!

[Josh screams] Cat: Shit!

Ah, get it off me, get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off get it off!

Would you calm down?

Calm down, I don't see anything!

What happened?

Is it in my hair?

No, I don't see anything.

Just check, just check it!

What happened?

I don't, uh there's spiders.

Dude, would you calm down, I don't see anything.

All that for a spider?

I don't do spiders.

Oh my god, that dance though.

Oh shut up.

You lost your shit.

They have eight eyeballs, they have eight eyeballs, and then they wrap their prey up.

And they suck the juice out of them, while they're still alive, okay? So this next one is all you.

You go first this time, and the next one is all you.

Okay, okay, okay. I'm just not sure...

If I'm as good a dancer as you!

Fuck you!

Cause it's a spider!

Oh my god.

I have a strict two eyeball, four leg, no juice sucking rule. And if you can't do that, then we're not friends.

Have you ever read Charlotte's Web? The babies, they eat the mother.

They eat her.

Ben: [mock screams]

[no dialogue]

Oh my god, it's cold!

Oh it's not so bad.

You'll get used to it.

But seriously, seriously though.

Comfort him.

Seriously though, I want to take a minute, thank you guys all, for coming out, this is making my 26th really special.

I know you're not all the outdoorsy type, so it means a lot.

Oh, oh.

Aww.

You sure you guys wouldn't have rather had a romantic getaway for two?

I mean, we always have a romantic getaway for two.

Wherever we are.

Mmm hmm.

Kind of like now.

Hey third wheel.

Sup fourth wheel?

Come here baby.

Oh yeah?

Let's show these kids how to do it.

Let's do it.

Give it to me.

That's intense.

I feel like I'm watching a movie.

Yeah.

Should we pay a quarter for this?

Yeah we should.

Oh my god.

What?

Oh my God.

What?

You turned me.

No you turned me!

Shut up.

I don't even like the dick anymore. I hate the dick!

I have seen the light and I love the pussy.

Love the pussy!

I love it so much, that you can seat me at the pussy buffet, and let me eat.

Praise be brother.

Oh no, I'm still gay.

You're a jerk!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's gross.

Get me out of this fucking lake!

[no dialogue]

[no dialogue]

[no dialogue]

[low rumbling]

[no dialogue]

[low rumbling]

Ben!

Cat!

Where are you?

I found something.

Over here!

Look at this.

What is that?

I don't know, but it's gross.

Ugh, stop playing with it.

Where's Jennifer?

I'm here.

What the hell is that?

I don't know, some goo?

A bikini?

Nasty.

I don't know.

Let's get back to the cabin, you guys owe me dinner.

You owe me more.

You know you're doing that wrong, right?

Cat, here ya go.

Oh, yay!

Aww.

Josh: That was my fluffy ball!

That one's yours.

Josh: Why is that one mine?

Because I said it's yours.

Ben: Who are you to deny a man his little fluffy balls?

Ben: We'll make you one buddy.

Josh: How about you just hand me the stick, and I'll make my own, cause I'm really good with sticks and balls.

All right Jennifer, while we're talking sticks and balls-

We've got mallows, and we've got weiners.

Would you like a weiner?

No, those are disgusting.

What are you talking about, are you a terrorist?

They're made out of lips and assholes, and other animal parts.

Yeah, but they're American lips, and assholes, and other animal parts.

Yeah, don't be so sure.

Okay, you are either with the lips and assholes, or you are against them.

Now what's it going to be?

Mark: What's this about lips and assholes, are we at war?

Cat: You came!

Yeah well, there's not a whole lot to do when the sun goes down, and you're by yourself.

Everyone this is Mark, I met him on the road earlier

This is Ben, Jennifer, and Josh.

Hi.

Hey!

I hear it's your birthday. Happy birthday.

Thank you very much. Do you partake?

No, I'm good, thanks.

Well, it's here if you need it. And you arrived just in time.

Just in time for what?

Time for games!

No, no games, not yet.

No, no no, Mark just got here, we gotta get to know him.

That's the idea.

So, Mark, the name of this game is hot seat.

And Mark, you are in the hot seat.

Cat, are you with me?

With you.

So the rules for hot seat is, you have to answer all of our questions as quickly, and as honestly as possible.

Mark, are you ready to play hot seat?

Sure, why the hell not?

All right, Mark. First question.

Have you ever killed a man?

No.

Have you ever been to jail?

No.

Have you ever shit your pants as a grown man?

No.

Are you sure, you've never shit your pants as a grown man?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Do you do any illegal drugs?

Technically.

Did you bring any?

Yes.

Would you be willing to share with the entire class?

Sure.

Mark have you ever brought a woman to orgasm?

Yes.

Have you ever brought a woman to triple orgasm?

I'm gonna need an answer Mark.

I can neither confirm, or deny.

Have you ever put a fruit or vegetable up your butt?

What?

No!

Mark are you lying to Cat about whether or not you have ever put a fruit or a vegetable up your rectum?

Maybe.

Was it a zucchini?

God no!

A banana?

No.

Was it a Kumquat?

Next question, please.

All right Mark, this is the final question in the hot seat, so for all the marbles, can I get a drum roll Josh?

Mark!

Beatles or Elvis?

Elvis, final answer.

I feel like I know Mark.

Now that we've terrified you.

No, no, it's totally fine.

I wanna know what fruit he put up his butt.

All right, all right, you were right.

It was a banana.

He lied, he lied!

Umm, what's the penalty for lying?

Well, the penalty is, you have to go first in truth or dare.

So if I go first, I'm the one that asks someone else truth or dare.

Yeah, it's not much of a penalty.

Okay, uh, Jennifer.

Oh no.

Truth, or dare?

Oh shit.

Ah, nope Jennifer.

We've been over this before.

The options are truth or dare.

The options aren't truth, dare, or shit.

Truth.

Okay, umm, I guess I'm supposed to make this one a dirty one, huh?

Bring it.

Okay, was your first sexual experience a good one, or a bad one?

I'm gonna go with, bad.

Next.

Details, details.

Boo!

Details.

Well, I mean, we were fifteen.

And he just, didn't know what he was doing, right? He just didnt.

What was his name?

Roger.

Josh: That's where you went wrong.

His name was Roger? Who's grandfather was he?

And Roger was a nice boy, but I don't care how nice a fifteen year old boy is.

When you guys are horny at that age, you're all the same.

You're like dogs.

We are very excitable.

Yeah.

Tell me about it.

Roger was in before I knew it.

And I told him to go slow, and easy, and he was like-

Oh baby, it's my first time too. And I promise I'll make it good for you.

I mean I told him to slow down and take it easy, but-

That horny little fucker jackhammered me for about twenty whole seconds, until it was all over.

The only thing I got out of that experience was a split hymen.

You know, the doctor says that I split my hymen in P.E. that time when I was playing volleyball and I did the splits-

Baby, baby, baby.

Wait your turn.

I know you love that story, but it's not your turn.

Anyway, it was awkward.

And he was like a robot the whole time we were doing it.

And he lost interest in me immediately afterwards.

Aww.

Don't give me sympathy mother fucker, truth or dare.

Me?

Yeah, you!

Oh uh, truth.

Cat: Ya'll are pussies!

Josh: Jesus Christ!

Ben: Your turn will come.

Josh: Yeah, just calm down over there, P.E.

All right, right back at ya. What was your most embarrassing sexual experience?

Wait, wait, wait. Are we counting the bathroom today?

Old man glory hole?

Shut up.

Shut up, I'm never gonna live that down.

Uh no, it would probably be, no it's with my friend Jude.

Hey.

Shut up.

Uh, we were in high school together. He came over one day, we were hanging out, and you know.

Things were going good, and I thought things were kinda leading to fellatio.

Who says fellatio?

I'm very proper.

So you know, I thought, well I took a bathroom break, and I went and I cleaned up, as you do.

I came back, and low and behold, one thing led to another and he went down on me.

And immediately jumped back up, spitting, and said, your dick tastes like soap.

Aww, babys first blow job.

Thank you for laughing at my pain.

You, if you learned anything, you just should have left it in it's natural juices.

Captain soap dick!

All right, so Cat-

Dare! Dare me!

Oh my god.

Dare me.

I knew you were going to say that.

Why would you do this?

You would totally say that.

Oh my god, this is hard because there's nothing you won't do.

Um, dare me to sit on someone's face.

Dare me to sit on his face!

Okay, Cat, I dare you to sit on Ben's face.

Yay, I'm gonna sit on your face! I have to do it, I have to.

This is my birthday!

I know, and for your birthday, I'm just gonna sit on your face.

I have to, it's a dare! It's a dare!

No!

Don't you pinch me!

I'm gonna fucking pinch you if I fucking want to!

Stop, no!

Just let me sit on your face!

I'm gonna sit on your face!

No, no no!

Yes!

Stop, that tickles.

I want to sit on your face, I want to sit on your face.

All right.

You can sit on my face, but you have to do something nice for me later.

Of course I'm gonna do something nice for you later.

All right, fine. Get it over with.

Yes! Yes!

I'm gonna put my butt on your face!

All right.

Let me hold my breath.

All right.

Josh: Three! Two!

Josh: One!

Josh: Contact!

I'm sitting on your face, I'm sitting on your face.

All right, you can get off me now.

Don't move!

[playful squealing]

Don't put me in the fire, don't let him put me in the fire, don't put me in the fire!

Fine, fine fine, sit down.

Cat: In your face!

Her other lips are sweaty too.

And they're on your face!

So, Cat. It is your turn to ask a question.

All right.

Ummm, Mark. Truth or dare?

Challenge accepted. I'm gonna say dare.

Oooh!

Mark.

I dare you.

To kiss the person you find here most sexually attractive on the lips, for at least five seconds.

Oh wow, a whole five seconds!

A whole five seconds.

I'm right here, it's fine, it's okay.

Hey I am comfortable in my heterosexuality, so if you need to kiss me, you go ahead and plant one right there.

Cat: Awww, Jennifer's gonna get some!

Josh: Say hi to Roger!

Cat: Oh, oh!

You gonna stand up or what?

Yes.

I think that's a little more than five seconds.

Cat: Hmmm, no, shoosh, shut up.

Guys I mean, come on, get a room, or a tent, or something.

This could be a round in a game, or this could go all night, if you want.

It's your call.

Cool?

Cool.

Cool.

That just happened.

Yeah it did!

Cat: Well I guess that's the end of truth or dare.

That's why, we have our own way to make things fun.

Yes we do.

And it will be much easier to do that, with-

This.

Mmm hmm, one for you.

I thank you.

You're welcome.

Now Jennifer and I are going to go in the house and get your birthday present ready.

All right.

We'll be right back!

Okay.

[heavy breathing in sound design]

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm, I'm ready.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Keep them closed.

They're closed.

Okay you can open them.

You got me, you?

Well, us.

You know how most guys fantasize about being with two girls at the same time?

Well yeah, I mean what guy doesn't?

Well tonight, you get to be that guy.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Josh: So they say eight months is a long time for two guys to be together.

I don't know, I guess he just thought it was time. I don't know.

Mark: Did you ever think we weren't meant to be monogamous?

Well-

Well nothing, it's not natural.

It's an unfair expectation we put on ourselves.

I don't know there's some comfort in a relationship.

Yeah, but there's a fine line between comfort, and suffocation.

Yeah, sounds like somebody has been through some terrible relationships.

Not really, I just know a lot of miserable people who are stuck in relationships they don't want to be in anymore.

Maybe there's such a thing as serial monogamy.

All right, there ya go! Like monkeys.

Monkeys?

Yeah! I saw this documentary on monkeys one time.

They've sort of got the monogamous thing going on, but they also just kind of mess around with the whole tribe.

You know young, old, gay, straight, monkeys just go with the flow and have a good time apparently.

Hmm, I also watched a video of a monkey masturbating with a frog.

He just picked that live little thing up, put it's mouth right on it's dick.

And just murdered that thing!

Oh wow.

Yeah, so I don't know if we should aspire to the social politics of monkeys.

I don't know.

Could be fun.

So which do you want to be?

The monkey or the frog?

Here?

Yeah! Sure, why not?

Come on, you do not want to be ninety years old, lying on your deathbed, remembering the time you were alone in the woods with a guy you barely know.

And you could've played monkey and the frog, but you didn't, and-

Ribbit.

Wow, all this for me?

Uh huh, but before you get it all, you gotta do a little something for us first.

[heavy breathing]

[snorting]

Wait, stop, stop.

Why?

Because I don't want to finish yet.

It's my turn.

Okay.

Tastes like soap.

That's very funny.

Now wash your mouth out with it.

[heavy breathing]

[gasps]

Oh, relax.

She was-

No, no, no, you're just high, it's okay just come on down.

Just lie back.

Let us take care of you, and just enjoy the show, okay?

You cool?

Yeah.

[wet kissing sounds]

You know this trip turned out a lot more interesting than I thought it was going to.

Yeah?

Yeah. I thought I was going to be the fifth wheel, but instead, I'm the frog.

Blame these woods man.

I've been horny ever since I got here.

Prove it.

[slimy, slithering sound]

[Cat begins gagging, struggling]

[In a strange voice] Won't you let us in?

[heavy breathing]

Aren't you gonna look at me?

Hey!

Good.

It's better when you're awake.

[heavy breathing]

[breathing normalizes]

[no dialogue]

[no dialogue]

[sound of something emerging from the water]

[birds chirping]

Mark?

Mark!

Hey!

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody?

[heavy breathing in sound design]

It's as sweet as mother's milk.

And as nourishing.

Drink.

Where is everyone else?

Around.

Why are you wearing a bed sheet in the middle of the woods?

Night never really has to end Josh.

What does that mean?

It means you don't have to go back to your boring old life.

You never have to be alone again.

All you have to do is drink.

I don't want to.

Drink.

What are you doing?

Drink!

What is wrong with you?

It will purify you.

For what?

You will drink.

[grunting, moaning]

[sounds of wilderness in sound design]

Josh, what's wrong?

What's wrong? What the hell was that back there? Where's Mark?

He went back to his place. We were just having a good time.

A good time? That didn't look like a good time to me.

Since when do you act like that?

Don't be such a prude.

Why were you choking him?

Because he asked me to?

Just get away from the van.

Josh, this is all just a big misunderstanding, all right? Why don't you just-

I'm not, I'm not talking to you okay? You fucking attacked me.

What?

You kicked me!

I did not!

Josh it's just the acid.

I didn't take any acid bitch.

Well it's something, you're acting crazy.

These woods are fucking crazy.

Josh, will you just give me my keys?

Mark?

Mark?

What's the matter with you?

Let go!

Let go!

[spitting]

[wretching]

Ben: It's going to be okay.

Ben: You're going to love it.

None of this will matter when you drink.

Nothing will ever matter again.

Drink.

It wants you, Josh.

It wants us all...

...back.

It's ready for us.

[no dialogue]

You'll be home soon.

[sound of something coming out of the water]

[deep cooing, moaning sound]

[low grumbling]

[deep purring]

[cooing, soft whistling]

[purring]

[no dialogue]

Oh, I don't do spiders. Oh my god.

[sounds of nature slowly fading in]

[Closed captioning provided by Bandit Motion Pictures]