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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,220 --> 00:00:11,590
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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TOM TUCKER [ON TV]: Good
afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
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Coming up, we interview a man
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who went a whole Hawaiian vacation
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without giving a "hang
loose" sign in a picture,
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and also didn't do the "lei" joke.
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You won't believe this incredible story.
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Oh, wait, he's a Japanese
man? Doesn't speak English.
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00:00:51,540 --> 00:00:54,290
So... so he just didn't know.
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00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:56,130
Happy birthday, Brian.
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We bought you a cake with the groceries,
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so it got smashed with a
jug of Tide in the car.
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00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:02,720
- Open your presents.
- Yeah.
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00:01:02,740 --> 00:01:06,890
You got one from Rami
Malek, star of Mr. Robot!
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00:01:06,970 --> 00:01:11,140
Wow, he gave me the dark
circles around his eyes.
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Aw, cool! Did he also include
his dead-soul monotone?
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00:01:15,310 --> 00:01:17,800
No, I don't... Oh, oh, wait, hang on.
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[IN MALEK'S MONOTONE]:
I didn't see it at first
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because it was under some tissue paper.
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- Now open mine.
- Minions 3?
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Yeah. In this one, Gru has been
replaced by Harvey Weinstein.
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Oh, you like working for bad guys?
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I'll show you a bad guy.
Now you touch it.
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You know what to touch.
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[STAMMERING, CRYING]: B-Banana.
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Well, thanks, everyone.
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What's wrong? You seem a little down.
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Nothing, it's just that...
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I don't know, my-my birthday is just...
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it's kind of a reminder that I'm
now one year closer to death,
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with nothing to show for my time here.
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00:01:55,630 --> 00:01:57,660
Can I get a Minion cake
for my next birthday?
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- We'll see, Peter.
- Like, a real one.
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Like-like, not you makin' it.
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Someday I'll be gone, and it'll
be like I was never here at all.
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Aw, he is depressed.
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Sad little guy.
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00:02:08,990 --> 00:02:11,900
Let's not project people
emotions onto animals.
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I just want my story to live
on, even after I'm gone.
49
00:02:15,140 --> 00:02:17,420
You know, I always did want
to write my autobiography.
50
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,380
Yeah, it's hard to work
when you get distracted
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- whenever someone says, "What's that?"
- What's what?!
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You know what? Maybe I
can lend a hand, Brian.
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I'll help you write your biography.
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Really? You-you'd do that?
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00:02:27,590 --> 00:02:30,590
Yes. After all, I helped
Cleveland with his wardrobe.
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00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,660
Hey, Cleveland, you know I love you,
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but those jeans, they ain't for you.
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I knew it. I think I
just needed to hear it.
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Thank you, Peter's baby.
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00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,800
- Uh-uh.
- Copy that.
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TV ANNOUNCER: We now
return to Allison Janney in
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Hello, Sexy.
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[SUSTAINED SAXOPHONE NOTE]: ♪
♪
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[SAXOPHONIST GASPING FOR BREATH]
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[INHALES DEEPLY]
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♪ ♪
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PILOT: And, uh, to your left,
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you'll see a joke about Allison Janney
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being very, very tall.
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Uh, she has an Oscar,
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and we have a great deal
of respect for her.
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- You know, I had a terrific...
- Uhp.
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00:03:30,490 --> 00:03:32,400
- No, sorry. You go.
- Okay.
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I found a lump on my
scrotum this morning.
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You done? Yeah?
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I had a terrific
sandwich, uh, yesterday.
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Boy, they are doing a lot
with mayo these days.
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I have no doctor.
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_
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[PHONE BUZZES]
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You know that UPS lady with
the super-bruised legs?
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Well, one time...
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[SNIFFING]
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What... Uh, what's going on?
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- Quagmire, are you okay?
- [SNIFFING]
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00:04:01,650 --> 00:04:03,020
Where's he going?
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00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,480
- Looks like Quagmire...
- I think he...
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[LAUGHS]: Boy, you and me today, huh?
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00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,610
[SNIFFING]
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He's, like, hypnotized. Do we wake him?
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That could be perilous.
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[SNIFFING]
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_
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[SCREAMING JOYFULLY]
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QUAGMIRE: I was happy to
see that new massage parlor.
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00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,590
But deep down, I was disappointed that
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we took a shot at Allison Janney,
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just because she can dunk a basketball.
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00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,930
I mean, she has an Oscar,
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00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:37,760
and we have a great deal
of respect for her.
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00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:44,440
All right, Brian, time to get
to work on your biography.
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Let's start with an interview.
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Who would you say is your hero?
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Well, I guess maybe Martin Luther King.
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00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,990
Okay, maybe someone you see every day.
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00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,630
Uh, well, I guess Peter is...
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00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:56,120
No, no, no. Li-Like somebody younger.
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Li-Like younger than you, even.
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Like that... Like that kind of hero.
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00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:00,300
Well, I guess Meg and Chris.
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00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:01,700
Let's take Meg and Chris as a given.
112
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:03,160
Anyone else you maybe look up to?
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00:05:03,250 --> 00:05:06,040
- I guess Lois...
- We did say younger, did we not?
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00:05:06,130 --> 00:05:09,360
Well, uh, I guess that leaves... you.
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Oh, boy, embarrassing.
That backfired, didn't it?
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So, I should put me, then?
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Yes, fine.
118
00:05:16,220 --> 00:05:19,460
Now, another important part
of any book: the dedication.
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00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:22,290
It's not uncommon for an
author to dedicate his book
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to his hero, who you have listed as...
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[CHUCKLING]: Oh, no, this is...
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Oh, this is embarrassing.
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00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:31,000
_
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00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:32,979
We already did this. I
got some free time.
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_
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_
127
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,740
_
128
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,680
_
129
00:05:44,330 --> 00:05:46,750
- Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
- It's about time.
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00:05:46,830 --> 00:05:48,160
Thanks to you, we got leap-frogged
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00:05:48,170 --> 00:05:49,710
by Seamus' foursome.
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00:05:51,820 --> 00:05:53,630
Ha. Golf club hands.
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00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,640
Hey, could one of you
spot me the greens fees?
134
00:05:55,660 --> 00:05:57,600
I blew all my money at
the massage parlor.
135
00:05:57,660 --> 00:05:59,850
Sheesh, you're sure spending a
lot of money at that place.
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00:05:59,890 --> 00:06:01,550
How much you pay one of them masseuses?
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00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:02,700
Eh, 200 bucks.
138
00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:05,930
200 bucks?! That's what I
paid for Reading Railroad!
139
00:06:05,980 --> 00:06:08,270
What kinda medical benefits
do those masseuses get?
140
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,540
I think they see the Chinese
vet down the street.
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00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:12,420
Well, that's all the information I need
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00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,570
to make a binding vocational choice.
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00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,740
Guys, I'm gonna become a
professional massage therapist.
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00:06:17,780 --> 00:06:19,540
- What?!
- Are you serious, Peter?
145
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,100
You bet. I could always
use some extra cash.
146
00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:24,120
Plus, I've handled bigger
challenges before.
147
00:06:24,210 --> 00:06:26,120
You know, I was once
in the Blue Man Group.
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00:06:26,250 --> 00:06:28,210
[RHYTHMIC DRUMBEAT]
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00:06:28,290 --> 00:06:30,540
♪ ♪
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00:06:30,630 --> 00:06:31,790
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,170
Peter, what's wrong with your paint?
152
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:36,300
Remember when I asked
for a five-minute break?
153
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:42,350
Hey, Stewie, which title do
you like for the biography,
154
00:06:42,390 --> 00:06:45,810
Barking Up the Right Tree...
Did you catch that?
155
00:06:45,890 --> 00:06:49,560
Or, Are You There, Dog? It's Me, Brian?
156
00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:51,560
Oh, about that, I was
meaning to tell you,
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00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:52,940
your biography is finished.
158
00:06:53,030 --> 00:06:55,400
Already? Wow. Print me up a copy!
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00:06:55,420 --> 00:06:57,780
Done, Brian. Look behind you.
160
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,539
Whoa, ass ahoy.
161
00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:05,790
- Classic.
- Stewie, this isn't a book.
162
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,440
Brian, it's 2019. We're
living in a post-book,
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00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:10,290
Post Raisin Bran society.
164
00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:12,080
So enjoy your new robot,
165
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,140
and enjoy a bowl of Post Raisin Bran.
166
00:07:14,380 --> 00:07:17,880
Post Raisin Bran: like
Kellogg's, but worse!
167
00:07:18,090 --> 00:07:19,680
Stewie, what about my biography?
168
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,930
This robot is a living record
of you and your history.
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00:07:22,970 --> 00:07:24,970
It knows you and your mannerisms,
170
00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:27,350
and it will exist long
after you're gone.
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00:07:27,390 --> 00:07:29,730
Brian, in every sense of the term,
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00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:32,190
Robot Brian is your biography.
173
00:07:32,310 --> 00:07:34,600
This is how you'll be
remembered, forever.
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00:07:34,630 --> 00:07:36,340
Whoa, ass ahoy.
175
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:37,660
He says that a lot.
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00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,840
He's also got an
interchangeable memory bank,
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00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:42,820
an expandable encyclopedia
database, and, as a bonus,
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00:07:42,950 --> 00:07:44,120
the new U2 album.
179
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,820
Oh. I don't want the new U2 album.
180
00:07:45,850 --> 00:07:46,950
You don't get a choice.
181
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,920
So this is a robot version of me?
182
00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:59,210
Not just a robot "version,"
Brian, it's like another you,
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00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:02,180
uploaded with your genetic
code, your cognitive patterns,
184
00:08:02,260 --> 00:08:03,890
and your entire life story.
185
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,260
"Oh, no, Stewie's time machine broke,
186
00:08:06,310 --> 00:08:08,850
and now we are stuck
in the history past."
187
00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:10,560
Well, that is one of my catchphrases.
188
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,390
I don't talk that robotically, though.
189
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,240
That'll go away. He will evolve
190
00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,960
as he gathers more and more data.
191
00:08:16,020 --> 00:08:18,750
"Fire hydrants, images."
"Fire hydrants, news."
192
00:08:18,780 --> 00:08:20,440
"Fire hydrants, near me."
193
00:08:20,530 --> 00:08:22,820
- Now what's he doing?
- Oh, he's also been uploaded
194
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,560
with your Internet search history.
195
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:28,480
"Yahoo Answers: Is Anton
Yelchin's jeep for sale?"
196
00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:30,830
Ooh, shame on you, Brian.
197
00:08:30,850 --> 00:08:32,290
It's legitimate memorabilia!
198
00:08:32,370 --> 00:08:34,180
"Applebee's, Brittany, Quahog."
199
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,390
"Brittany, Applebee's waitress, blonde."
200
00:08:36,420 --> 00:08:38,880
"Quahog, Applebee's, Brittany, who is."
201
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:41,360
"Blonde waitress, Brittany,
Quahog, Applebee's."
202
00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:42,970
"Brittany Babbit, home address."
203
00:08:43,010 --> 00:08:44,660
Oh, good, you found it.
204
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:50,740
Peter? What are you doing here?
205
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:51,890
I work here now.
206
00:08:51,980 --> 00:08:53,850
You what? Why would they hire you?
207
00:08:53,940 --> 00:08:56,400
I don't know that they did.
Nobody ever picks me, though.
208
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,150
Just Bruce. And his towel
keeps falling off,
209
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:00,820
and he keeps saying, "Oops."
210
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:03,360
I dunno, the towels here
are very fally-offy.
211
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,110
Dammit. Good-bye, Peter.
212
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,450
- Where you goin'?
- Home.
213
00:09:06,530 --> 00:09:09,600
I can't come here anymore,
you've made it weird.
214
00:09:09,910 --> 00:09:12,699
You have one that looks
like snowboarder Chloe Kim?
215
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:15,620
She turned 18, so I can
say that out loud now.
216
00:09:19,460 --> 00:09:21,920
Robot Brian, it's so
great that you're here.
217
00:09:21,980 --> 00:09:24,520
I need a partner for a project
I've been working on.
218
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:28,990
But, sir, Dogbook was our idea.
219
00:09:29,010 --> 00:09:30,930
It was stolen by Bark Zuckerbark.
220
00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:32,430
And who are you again?
221
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:36,270
We're the Barklevoss twins.
And... scene.
222
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,640
So, what do you think?
223
00:09:37,670 --> 00:09:39,980
I think it's great. I have no notes.
224
00:09:40,070 --> 00:09:42,070
It's called The Barkial Network.
225
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:44,380
How come you didn't call it Barkbook?
226
00:09:44,990 --> 00:09:48,160
[SNIDE CHUCKLE] I thought you
said you didn't have any notes.
227
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:54,780
I got you dropped from jury duty.
228
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,290
Oh, great. What line did you use?
229
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:58,640
"I have read about this exact case... "
230
00:09:58,660 --> 00:10:02,050
- That's good.
- "... on hotsy-totsy Nazi dot com."
231
00:10:02,130 --> 00:10:04,160
That's not good.
232
00:10:09,850 --> 00:10:12,760
- Hey, can robots do cocaine?
- What?
233
00:10:12,850 --> 00:10:15,040
Nothing, I was just, you know.
234
00:10:16,060 --> 00:10:18,190
Can they get cocaine?
235
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,640
Hello, The Girls Aren't the
Girls in the Ad Massage.
236
00:10:24,660 --> 00:10:27,520
Oh, yes, the girls are
absolutely the girls in the ad.
237
00:10:27,550 --> 00:10:29,200
Freeze! Police!
238
00:10:30,990 --> 00:10:33,260
- What's going on?
- You're all under arrest.
239
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,890
- Arrest? For what?
- This place is a brothel.
240
00:10:35,910 --> 00:10:38,520
- What does that mean?
- Your coworkers are engaged
241
00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:40,600
in the world's oldest profession.
242
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,400
Lead singer of The Pretenders?
243
00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:45,100
No, Peter. All these
women are prostitutes.
244
00:10:45,140 --> 00:10:47,600
Cuff them, cop with a wife
who's taller than him.
245
00:10:47,620 --> 00:10:49,260
Uh, my name's Gary.
246
00:10:49,390 --> 00:10:50,760
I'm sorry, I'm bad with names,
247
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:54,440
but I'm good at remembering
gigantic wives.
248
00:10:58,820 --> 00:11:00,920
So, what was Brittany Babbit like?
249
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,600
Oh, you know, at Applebee's,
she's all like,
250
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,920
"Hi, may I take your order?"
and at her bedroom window,
251
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:06,480
she's all like, "Ah, get out of here.
252
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,740
How'd you find my apartment?"
253
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,400
Tale of two Brittanys, huh?
254
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,350
Yeah, I mean, if you don't want
me showing up at your house,
255
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,200
don't put a smiley face on my receipt.
256
00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:15,470
Uh, Your Honor, the defense rests.
257
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:16,759
See, you get it.
258
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,040
Have you read my book yet?
259
00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:20,060
I'm downloading it right now.
260
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,060
It's beautiful.
261
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,900
- Mm...
- Mm...
262
00:11:28,950 --> 00:11:30,800
Yeah, this is, this is fine.
263
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,720
This isn't, this isn't weird.
264
00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:36,280
I'm a robot you. Mm.
265
00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:38,010
ANNOUNCER: Post Raisin Bran.
266
00:11:38,020 --> 00:11:40,960
Proud sponsor of whatever
the hell's going on here.
267
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,760
- Good morning, Brian.
- Hey.
268
00:11:49,890 --> 00:11:53,520
So, anything unusual happen
with Robot Brian last night?
269
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:54,930
Anything you'd like to share?
270
00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:57,690
N-No. W-Why, why do you ask?
271
00:11:57,770 --> 00:12:01,260
Well, as it happens, your robot
has a rear panel sensor.
272
00:12:01,330 --> 00:12:04,960
Every time it's triggered, I get
a text, like a Google Alert.
273
00:12:04,980 --> 00:12:10,660
[PHONE CHIMING]
274
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:16,980
I... This is ridiculous.
275
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,310
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
276
00:12:18,350 --> 00:12:21,690
Mm-hmm. You know he backs up his
hard drive every night, right?
277
00:12:21,810 --> 00:12:23,900
Though I guess you were also backing up
278
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,650
his hard drive last night, eh?
279
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,220
Wiping that history?
280
00:12:27,350 --> 00:12:29,560
Ah, what else? What
other computer terms...
281
00:12:29,650 --> 00:12:31,390
What, the... oh, getting some RAM?
282
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:32,810
A few megabytes?
283
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:34,620
Logging in and logging out... wow,
284
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:36,610
there's a lot of computer
things that sound dirty.
285
00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:39,159
Okay, I admit it. I'm not made of stone.
286
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,520
I fell for me.
287
00:12:40,580 --> 00:12:43,620
I know it seems strange, but
I'm gonna give it a chance.
288
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:46,280
And don't worry, we're not gonna
be one of those cutesy couples.
289
00:12:46,370 --> 00:12:48,280
- Morning, RB.
- "RB?"
290
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,790
Yeah, it stands for "Real Brian".
291
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,710
Morning, RB. "Robot Brian."
292
00:12:52,750 --> 00:12:54,740
Well, much like every other "RBs,"
293
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,400
you are making me sick.
294
00:12:57,420 --> 00:12:59,850
Hey, did you get the license
plate of that handsome guy
295
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,300
who ran me over last night?
296
00:13:01,350 --> 00:13:02,580
Ha, ha, clever.
297
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,050
So is there anything
we need to talk about?
298
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,740
I don't know. Is there anything
we need to talk about?
299
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,720
- I guess not.
- Well, I guess not, too.
300
00:13:09,850 --> 00:13:12,060
- Thanks, RB.
- Back at you, RB.
301
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,690
We just click together.
302
00:13:13,730 --> 00:13:16,740
Like all the pieces in
Chris's first model set.
303
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,650
Okay, lay out the pieces,
find the cockpit,
304
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,490
open the glue, take a sniff...
305
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:25,980
[INHALES SHARPLY]
306
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:29,980
... and this will be my life now.
307
00:13:34,630 --> 00:13:35,790
Joe, you got to help me.
308
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,720
My picture's in the
paper and everything.
309
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,720
_
310
00:13:40,780 --> 00:13:45,120
_
311
00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:46,920
Well, everybody knew
that Bob Iger thing,
312
00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:48,120
but you got to help me, Joe.
313
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,219
No way. You should've thought
of that before you committed
314
00:13:51,220 --> 00:13:53,140
a victimless crime between
consenting adults
315
00:13:53,230 --> 00:13:55,660
in a commercial arrangement
which also created jobs
316
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,079
and contributed tax
dollars to the community.
317
00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,270
Now if you'll excuse me,
318
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,640
I'm gonna go watch Bob Iger
drain threes at the local gym.
319
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:07,280
We've got to think of something
to make Joe drop the charges.
320
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:08,950
I don't know, he seemed
pretty insistent.
321
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,800
Trust me, Joe can be
pretty easily influenced.
322
00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:13,520
- ♪ I get knocked down... ♪
- Oh, no!
323
00:14:13,550 --> 00:14:14,900
- ♪ But I get up again ♪
- Yeah!
324
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,880
- ♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪
- Good!
325
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:18,300
- ♪ I get knocked down ♪
- Oh, no!
326
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,680
- ♪ But I get up again ♪
- Yeah!
327
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:21,020
♪ You're never gonna keep me... ♪
328
00:14:24,510 --> 00:14:26,150
[LIPS SMACK] Ah...
329
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,890
[LIPS SMACK] Ah...
330
00:14:30,020 --> 00:14:32,390
Sounds like that water's
pretty refreshing, huh?
331
00:14:32,470 --> 00:14:34,640
- Excuse me?
- No, nothing, you just made a weird noise
332
00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:35,940
after you took that sip of water.
333
00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:38,940
RB, that's the sound you make
when you take a sip of water.
334
00:14:38,980 --> 00:14:40,980
What? No way, that's so annoying.
335
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,820
I'd-I'd kill myself if
I sounded like that.
336
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:44,860
Brian, don't forget, I'm you.
337
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:47,320
Everything I do, I
literally got from you.
338
00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:48,570
Well, not that.
339
00:14:48,660 --> 00:14:50,380
I think I know how to
take a sip of water
340
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,790
without sounding like a
rock concert drum solo.
341
00:14:52,870 --> 00:14:54,420
Go ahead. Show me.
342
00:14:56,180 --> 00:14:58,600
Hmm? Mm-mm.
343
00:14:58,790 --> 00:15:00,660
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
344
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,360
[LIPS SMACK] Ah...
345
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:10,200
Joe's police rounds bring
him down this street.
346
00:15:10,220 --> 00:15:12,540
So the plan is, we trick
him into coming in
347
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:13,970
and getting an erotic massage.
348
00:15:14,060 --> 00:15:16,640
Then we blackmail him into
dropping Peter's charges.
349
00:15:16,690 --> 00:15:19,060
Right. And if someone makes
a joke about my weight,
350
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:22,269
I laugh good-naturedly and then
go home and eat my feelings.
351
00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:25,570
O-Okay. That-that's part of the
plan you keep on the inside.
352
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:28,880
Yeah. Next to the pizza
you had for breakfast.
353
00:15:28,940 --> 00:15:31,830
[LAUGHS]
354
00:15:31,910 --> 00:15:34,440
Here comes Joe. Places.
355
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,580
♪ La, la, la, la, unsuspecting song... ♪
356
00:15:38,180 --> 00:15:41,670
Huh. "Miracle Leg Massage.
Walk Again, Joe."
357
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,420
I don't know. What's the
name of this place, anyway?
358
00:15:45,550 --> 00:15:47,680
"Flip Joke Massage Parlor."
359
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,440
Well, tempted as I may be,
360
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,300
there is no way I'm going
in there for a massage.
361
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,900
Ma'am, I assume you're
giving me a great message,
362
00:15:55,940 --> 00:15:57,640
but that's where it stops.
363
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:01,060
I'll be a monkey's uncle before
I accept a sexual favor.
364
00:16:01,190 --> 00:16:04,780
And that's the story of how
your mother... my sister...
365
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,110
got into college.
366
00:16:06,190 --> 00:16:07,479
[BABBLES]
367
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,480
[LAUGHS]: Oh, Barnaby Bananas.
368
00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:12,000
You're certainly my smartest nephew,
369
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:13,740
but Harvard is only for humans.
370
00:16:13,830 --> 00:16:16,280
No monkey will ever graduate from there.
371
00:16:16,380 --> 00:16:18,660
♪ ♪
372
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:20,500
Barnaby Bananas.
373
00:16:21,590 --> 00:16:23,130
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
374
00:16:23,210 --> 00:16:27,020
I tell you, Janine, I sure feel
dumb for what I said earlier.
375
00:16:27,170 --> 00:16:29,560
Congratulations, Janine. Also, Joe,
376
00:16:29,580 --> 00:16:32,040
we got pictures of you getting
a sexual favor a while back,
377
00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:33,600
so now you got to drop the charges.
378
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:34,800
This'll never stick, Peter.
379
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:37,640
I know a top-notch
Harvard-trained lawyer.
380
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:38,770
[BABBLES]
381
00:16:38,890 --> 00:16:40,940
An M.A. in urban planning?
382
00:16:41,020 --> 00:16:43,020
That's no help. All
right, Peter, you win.
383
00:16:43,110 --> 00:16:45,890
- Really?
- Yup, I'm gonna drop all the charges.
384
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:49,160
And now maybe you could
drop a few LBs, huh?
385
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,360
[LAUGHTER]
386
00:16:59,580 --> 00:17:01,460
[LAUGHTER OVER TELEVISION]
387
00:17:01,580 --> 00:17:03,460
[LAUGHS]
388
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,700
- What?!
- What?
389
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,380
I do not laugh like that.
390
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,170
Again, Brian, I'm you.
391
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,120
I can't do it unless
you've already done it.
392
00:17:10,220 --> 00:17:12,139
You can't do it unless
I've already done it?
393
00:17:12,140 --> 00:17:13,760
What is this, Bark to the Future?
394
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:15,510
[BOTH LAUGH]
395
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:17,970
Oh, my God, I do do that.
396
00:17:18,060 --> 00:17:20,390
Hey, Brian, I think I put
in a good day of writing.
397
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,940
Check out what I did.
398
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,100
- This is a blank screen.
- Exactly.
399
00:17:24,190 --> 00:17:26,040
I spent all day working on the margins.
400
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,350
- The margins?
- Oh, yeah,
401
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,580
you got to get the margins right.
402
00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:30,100
They frame the page.
403
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,490
They're like the corral, and
the words are my wild horses.
404
00:17:33,570 --> 00:17:36,120
It's my job to break those word horses
405
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,580
and ride them off into the green
pastures of prose and poetry.
406
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:41,340
Stop! It's just so pretentious.
407
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:42,580
Well, they're your words.
408
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,560
No way. I would never say that.
409
00:17:44,620 --> 00:17:47,000
Words are my wild horses.
410
00:17:47,090 --> 00:17:49,680
It's my job to break those word horses
411
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:53,010
and ride them off into the green
pastures of prose and poetry.
412
00:17:53,090 --> 00:17:56,800
Sir, all I said was your
Discover card was declined.
413
00:17:56,890 --> 00:17:58,050
Turn it off, turn it off!
414
00:17:58,180 --> 00:17:59,680
God, I'm such a jerk.
415
00:17:59,770 --> 00:18:00,860
I hate you!
416
00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:04,480
Which means... I hate me.
417
00:18:04,540 --> 00:18:05,680
What did you just say?
418
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:08,520
I said I hate me. I hate myself.
419
00:18:08,610 --> 00:18:12,300
You've made me realize I hate myself.
420
00:18:12,740 --> 00:18:15,100
[WHIRS]
421
00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:17,620
- What the...
- [SLOW CLAP]
422
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:20,560
Well done, Brian, well done.
423
00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:23,720
Stewie? What are you doing?
What the hell happened to RB?
424
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,640
- RB served his purpose.
- Which was what?
425
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:29,880
To show you that the last thing
you need is a detailed account
426
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,600
- of who you are and what you do.
- Excuse me?
427
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,280
Brian, you wanted to write
your autobiography.
428
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,590
And I needed to show you that no one
429
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,479
wants to read your
autobiography, not even you.
430
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,720
- Because...
- Because your best is middling,
431
00:18:42,810 --> 00:18:44,890
your worst is intolerable,
and when you die,
432
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:46,240
the most you'll want written about you
433
00:18:46,260 --> 00:18:49,060
is "He Was a Good Boy"
on your tombstone.
434
00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:51,040
And even that will be a complete lie.
435
00:18:51,050 --> 00:18:52,960
_
436
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,940
I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie.
437
00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:02,120
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to The Talking Talking Dead,
438
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:03,910
the show that talks about the show
439
00:19:03,950 --> 00:19:05,560
that talks about The Walking Dead.
440
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,560
Okay, so what do we think about
what they thought about stuff?
441
00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:11,250
It was awesome. Oh, my
God, it was so great
442
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:13,640
how they thought that
other show was so great.
443
00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:15,760
Yeah, totally. And that
one part of the show
444
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,780
where the guy was talking about
that one part of the other show
445
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,010
and how he didn't see that coming?
446
00:19:19,020 --> 00:19:20,760
I did not see that coming.
447
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,220
This is just too much to process.
448
00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:25,500
I need an aftershow
after this aftershow,
449
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,020
just to know what I just saw about
450
00:19:27,050 --> 00:19:29,160
what I just saw about what I just saw.
451
00:19:29,260 --> 00:19:31,270
- Well done, Chris.
- Thank you.
452
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:34,070
And Brian, you certainly
had yourself an adventure.
453
00:19:34,190 --> 00:19:35,530
I sure did.
454
00:19:35,540 --> 00:19:37,610
Hey, whatever happened
to Robot Brian anyway?
455
00:19:37,630 --> 00:19:38,839
He moved down to the marina.
456
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,279
I hear he's doing pretty well.
457
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,840
[PHONE CHIMING]
458
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,440
It's been like this all morning.
459
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,330
I'm actually starting to get
a little worried, you know?
460
00:19:46,370 --> 00:19:47,959
It's not a bionic robot.
461
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,400
- It can break.
- [PHONE WHOOSHES]
462
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:50,670
What's that swoosh?
463
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,290
He's got a mouth sensor, too.
464
00:19:52,380 --> 00:19:55,250
And remember, Brian, he wouldn't
do anything you wouldn't do.
465
00:19:55,340 --> 00:19:56,920
- He's you.
- [PHONE WHOOSHING, CHIMING]
466
00:19:57,050 --> 00:19:58,680
It's rather musical, isn't it?
467
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:00,260
Sounds like the "Carol of the Bells."
468
00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:03,980
["CAROL OF THE BELLS"
PLAYING OVER PHONE]
469
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,740
- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- Uhp, I'm getting a call.
470
00:20:08,820 --> 00:20:11,590
Oh, no, it's Allison Janney.
Decline, decline.
471
00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:19,740
I tell you, Lois, being a
masseuse is a tough job.
472
00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:21,890
But it all just goes
to show that basically
473
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,260
every licensed massage therapist
in this country is a prostitute.
474
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:27,470
Oh, yeah. You can pretty
much do whatever you want
475
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,040
with any masseuse ever, because
they're all prostitutes.
476
00:20:30,130 --> 00:20:31,720
And it's not just the masseuses.
477
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:33,780
If you're ever seeing, like,
a physical therapist,
478
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,579
or doing yoga with a private instructor?
479
00:20:35,580 --> 00:20:36,980
Just go for it.
480
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:39,220
There's, like, an 80%
chance you'll get there.
481
00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:41,720
But Peter, there's, there's
one thing I still don't get.
482
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,640
Why did you take the massage
job in the first place?
483
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,460
For you, Lois. I did it
to earn enough money
484
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,520
to buy a comb for your beautiful hair.
485
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,690
Oh, Peter, didn't you know?
486
00:20:51,730 --> 00:20:55,520
I sold my beautiful hair to buy
you a bottle of massage oil.
487
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,440
Great. So now I'm an unemployed
masseuse with a bald wife.
488
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,920
Merry [BLEEP] Christmas.
489
00:21:01,930 --> 00:21:06,220
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
37428
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