Original subtitles

Perhaps it is high time

- My shit gets famous again. - Oh.

I just need somebody to give me a shot.

- Are you ready? - Yes, I'm ready.

Okay. Let's go, buddy.

- I gave up fame for true love. - No, no, no, no.

Love? I wanna see what that stripper look like.

Oh, baby.

- Give me one more shot. - Okay, don't blow it, Kenny.

I won't blow nothing.

- No, no, no, no. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dontel.

Whoa!

You know what, Guy? I'm out of this motherfucker.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Holy shit! I killed it in there!

You were so awesome!

Your quips were sensational, Kenny.

Ha! Yo, Tinseltown, show-business better look out

- because I'm coming for ya. - [laughter]

You were so great, baby. You had so much control.

Hey, April, did your pussy get wet in there?

I know if I had a pussy it'd be wet as shit.

I'd be like squirting... [squirting sounds]

Dude, why you talking about my wife's private parts?

Oh, well... No, I'm sorry. I apologize, Lady Powers.

Don't call her Lady Powers. Just call her April, man.

Come on, don't ruin this celebratory moment

with being shameful and vulgar.

No, no. I don't mean to ruin it. I'm just so excited.

I haven't felt this good in so long.

I just wanna... I just wanna punch something.

- [laughs] - [screaming]

- Yo, what the fuck?! - Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - What the fuck?!

- Kenny! [screaming] - Stevie, are you OK?

- Kenny, help me. - No, no, no, no.

Gross! No, no, no. Don't get your fucking blood on me.

- Ugh! - [screaming]

Stevie, breath.

OK, I'm gonna see you at home.

- Bye, baby. I love you. - I love you.

[screaming continues]

See you later, pumpkin.

[theme music playing]

[Kenny] Children, raise your 5 Alives.

Because of my amazing television efforts

and my newfound relationship with show-business,

we never have to worry about money again.

Picture the future. You're both entering high school.

While all the other dum-dums are there selling dime bags

and trading Garbage Pail Kids cards,

you'll be polishing your Porsches.

Riding your horses, hanging out with the preps

with sweaters loosely tied around your necks.

Let the memories of this patriarch begin now.

- To Daddy. - To Daddy.

- To Daddy. - And now,

the giving of the gifts.

- Gifts? - That's right.

I bought everyone a small token to commemorate

this amazing moment for our family.

First up is Mama. Look at that, huh.

Oh, this is nice.

That's a fair trade candle.

We now can afford to buy products

- that are made the right way. - Smells so good, babe.

Next up, Shayna Bear.

Lookie lookie lookie here.

Little shorty's got back.

A Louis V backpack, that is.

That's a mighty big gift for her.

Oh yes. Several grand, in fact.

Where's my present?

He is in the garage.

Meet Dakota.

I got him from a Craigslist Indian.

Is that a real wolf?

Pure bred. That's what the red man told me.

There's no paperwork or anything because of

their goddamn oral traditions.

- But... seems legit to me. - [growling]

You know, I'm not so sure that this is a good gift

for a five year old.

What are you talking about, April?

This is a perfect gift for Toby.

With my new high-paying television job

I'm not gonna be around the house as much

as I'd like to be. So it's very important

that Toby has a strong male role model

so he doesn't turn out weird.

Dakota's gonna serve as a spirit guide.

- [barks] - Hey.

You watch yourself, motherfucker.

Because of this opportunity,

our family's gonna be taken care of forever.

Who knows, next stop could be space camp.

- Who wants to go to space? - [both] Me.

- Who wants to pet this wolf? - [growling]

- [gasps] - Hey.

I'm a television star and I own you.

Whoo! Goddamn. Kenny Powers, series regular on TV.

Feels like the first day of school out here, huh?

Oh yeah.

Everybody's inside the cafeteria

wanted to know what I'm gonna wear.

What kind of crazy shit's gonna come out of my mouth.

They all know that I'm just the wild card this show needs

to nab that elusive demographic.

That Hunger Games demo.

That John Carter from Mars demo.

Kenny, you skew extremely young.

Yeah, no shit.

Now where we at with them gift baskets?

We locked and loaded?

They're right here, dog. Boom.

Whoo. Looking good. Moose Munch. Coffee macadamia toffee.

- You know what the move is. - What's the move?

Put my motion picture personal autobiographical screenplays

into Guy Young's gift basket.

That's how the Antwone Fisher story was made.

Autobiographical screenplay, Kenny?

When do I get to read it?

Well, when I get the N.D. forms filled out by my lawyer.

Until then, you ain't touching shit, dog.

A'ight. I'll back off.

I'll back off. But soon. Hopefully.

[claps] Enough of your creative sensitivities.

Let's give people some baskets.

You smell like a horses ass. I don't want to smell you.

It's a professional environment.

- I'll talk to her. - Please, talk to her.

- I will. - [knock on door]

A tisket, a tasket.

I brought you a motherfucking gift basket.

- [laughter] - Kenny P.

- Oh, shit, is that for me? - Yeah, that is for you.

- Well, this is for you. - Ah, shit.

Great minds think alike. What's up, my man?

- Look at that, huh. - All right.

- Whoo. - Oh, Harry and David.

A top purveyor, I like that a lot.

Goddamn. Yeah, I also included

a copy of my new motion picture screenplay I recently finished,

450 pages of box office gold. It's my life story, dude.

Whoa. Kenny Powers is a writer too, huh?

Screenplayist.

Who's this handsome pumpkin right here?

Is this your fuck buddy?

I wish.

What the fuck is this?

That's a coupon book for activities

in and around the Charlotte area. You're gonna like that.

Grandfather Mountain, Carowinds. A waterpark.

My kids are gonna shit their pants when they see this.

I'll tell you what, I'm gonna shit my pants

looking at this expensive-ass squirt bottle

of Morrocan hair oil.

That shit'll get you smelling like an Egyptian cab driver.

I'm sure it's very nice and thank you, Kenny.

Hey, you're welcome.

I think this is gonna be a wonderful union.

Kenny Powers is just the thing this show needs

to get the ratings up.

Well, I wouldn't worry about that, Kenny.

- The ratings are just fine. - Yeah, I know.

We'll just, you know, focus on the four quadrant

- target market, Nielsens. - Kenny, the ratings are fine.

Conrad, tell him, the ratings are fine.

- They're good. - They'll be better, though.

That would be... Don't worry about that.

You know what I mean? Keep your mind on the prize.

All right. I'll leave the mathematics to you guys.

I'll focus on the "lights, camera, action."

- Show-business. - [Guy] Show-business. KP.

[laughs]

There's my smart boy. Oh God, look at you.

So handsome.

Get on the ground! This is a fucking home invasion!

- Jesus. - [laughing]

- It's me. - Oh, my God.

Oh, word. Wayne, you're graduating?

No. He is getting his GED actually, Kenny.

[chuckling] You dumbass. There's a ceremony for that?

What's up, bro?

What the hell are you doing here, Kenny?

Relax, guys. I'm not here to terrorize.

Just came by for a friendly family visit.

It's no mystery that over the years our families have drifted.

- Our families are strange. - Estranged.

That's what I'm saying, Cassie, that we're str...

You didn't say that. You said "strange".

- That's what I'm saying. - No, you didn't.

- Shit's not... No, I said... - You said strange.

Look, you know what I'm getting at. We're not friends.

- What do you want, Kenny? - I wanna squish our beef.

What I've done in the past is of no merits here.

The bottom line, I wanna buy back your family's love

with these fucking dope passes to Congo Canyon Resort.

- [chuckles] - Congo Canyon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not so fast, sticky fingers.

What do you say, Dustin? Let's put aside our differences.

Take leaks in the lazy river.

Take our shirts off and slide down water slides.

What do you say?

Not interested.

Dustin, I think Kenny is trying to apologize...

[Dustin] You stay out of this, Cassie.

Guys, guys, guys, guys. Don't fight, OK?

Look, I got my fame back.

And I wanna share it with my kinfolk.

I'm ready to do it right this time.

All you do when you get famous is act like a bigger asshole.

- OK. - Dustin, I'm a mature man.

I have a wife and kids. I listen to fucking Terry Gross now.

Wait, wait. Don't tell me.

Motherfucking This American Life.

No. You're the same as you always were.

First chance you get,

you're gonna burn all that to the ground.

You don't know what I'm trying to burn to the ground.

You're just being nasty and being a jerk.

None of you motherfuckers are gonna get tan

and take your shirts off with me.

You're all gonna be dry.

The only people that get to get wet

are people that are nice to me.

Goodbye, you.

[wolf howls]

[dance music playing]

- [robot] Let's dance, dog. - Yeah, dog.

Check out Yul Brynner.

I just bought his fucking ass on Sky Mall.

OK. It was a car last week and now it's a robot.

And this weekend you're taking everybody to the water park.

You know what? I think this is just getting out of hand.

I think we need to take it slow.

We took it slow for five years, April.

And it fucking sucked.

It was not that bad.

It was terrible, April.

Literally, I almost killed myself 20 different times.

I put a gun in my mouth and almost pulled the trigger.

I ain't going back to them days.

OK, I can't take you seriously right now

because you're dancing with a robot.

- [Yul] Aw. - Oh, look. Now you've insulted him.

How rude.

Go about your journeys, Yul.

[Yul] See ya.

All I'm saying is that we've been given an opportunity

and I just don't want it to change us.

Man, you're spitting the same shit Dustin was throwing at me.

Talking about burning this whole thing to the ground.

Why the hell doesn't anybody trust me?

I just don't want us to rush into anything, that's all.

Rush into what? Buying our family exotic robotics?

Fucking treating our loved ones and friends

to a weekend at the water park?

I mean, come on. It's not that big of a deal.

I mean, unless of course you got

some sort of weird issue with slides.

I don't got nothing against slides, Kenny.

Not even the ones with the inner tubes?

No. I love the ones with inner tubes.

What about the ones with the mats?

Love the ones with mats.

- Prove it. - [laughing]

Big tits go in there.

[Kenny] Fame for me has been a many headed Hydra.

You cut off one head and it sprouts another.

My baseball career was beheaded on a warm night in Texas

many years ago.

So be it. A new head is sure to grow in it's place.

Perhaps the head of a movie star.

Or a race car driver.

One head might be selfish and mean,

but that doesn't mean the next head to replace it

can't still be thoughtful and nice.

The Hydra has many heads.

[music playing]

Look at my family, so happy and joyous.

They love me so much.

I just hope I don't let them down.

Yeah. In Mexico you just slide down

the fucking garbage chute, huh?

- Uh-huh. - With a hose on it.

Hey, Kenny. Thank you.

- Thanks, Ken. - On behalf of all of us.

- Thank you. - Hey, no worries.

I can't believe your fancy TV job

gives you free passes to the water park.

- That's so cute. - [laughter]

Is it cute? I wouldn't call it cute.

I mean, cute's kinda what I would use to describe

like a cabbage patch kid.

I mean, I just figured they'd give you season tickets

to Panther games or something a little more la-di-da.

I don't really know what the hell you're getting at

but, uh, I do get those things too.

- We do. - This is just all I'm sharing

with you guys. The fucking entry level junk.

- Ohh. Well, thank you. - You're welcome.

And also, don't try to poke holes in my shit.

[laughter]

It's time to celebrate, don't masturbate.

Just celebrate, don't masturbate.

- [wooing] - Shots all around.

- Shots all around. - Don't use limes.

- Don't use limes. - No training wheels.

I would like to propose a toast

- to old friends... - Yes.

- ...and new friends. - Yes.

Gene and Tel, you guys are awesome. Awesome.

But there's someone even more awesome.

The man who made this all possible.

The most generous, selfless man.

- To TV's newest star, - Whoo!

- the love of my life, - Oh yeah.

- Mr. Kenny Powers. - [cheering]

[Kenny] Down the hatch.

Let's remember to pace ourselves today, boys and girls, OK?

- Nah, fuck that shit. - Well, what about the kids?

You know, I just think I'm getting a little wasted.

That's like goddamn ankle deep water.

Ain't nobody drowning in that shit.

If one of them kids can drown,

then they don't deserve to be alive.

This is a goddamn Darwinism right here.

- [laughing] - Waiter!

Another round for me an my friends here.

I'm waiting to see Tel dip them balls in some whiskey.

Motherfucker came here in a Speedo.

[April] Surprise!

[rock music]

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- Hey! - Jaws.

What the fuck, dude?

You got a big old nasty boner in your pants.

I know, why you trying to play?

Man, Kenny, I remember when I used to wait

for the goddamn things to go down.

My dick is so fucked right now.

Well, have you tried using drugs,

like Cialis or Viagra or some shit?

I've used all the pills and penis pumps.

But it doesn't do anything.

It just makes my dick bright red, man.

You need to see a doctor, dude.

[Stevie] No, there's gotta be some way, man.

Do you know any other magic spells or dick tricks?

I mean, I guess the only advice I could have

is just maybe you should just appreciate what you got.

Even if what you got is a woman

that's built like mashed potatoes.

- Mashed potatoes? - See to her needs, dog.

Tend to her. Kiss, caress, attend.

Kiss, caress, attend.

You see where we're going here.

I'm trying to isolate your performance anxiety

by focusing on her needs, homey.

You just gotta figure out how to put some gravy on them taters.

- Oh, some cum gravy. - There you go.

[both laugh]

All right, here's the deal.

I'm not paying for the queso or the enchiladas.

But we will pay for the guacamole.

Sweep the leg.

Sweep slumdog's leg.

- Ahh! - Hey, hey!

Ah, this is so much fun.

Damn it, Brennan! You're supposed to hold on.

It's been like a little while since I've done this

so you just like, need to be easy.

What is she doing?

OK, go ahead. Just be easy.

Pull it up.

April. Honey, this is absolutely inappropriate.

- Dix! How you doin', Dix? - I'm not that great

because our children are right over there.

Dix, I think you need to do this with me.

- I need you to grab a beer - No, no thank you.

and a boy and let's get hammered together.

No. You know what I'm gonna grab?

I'm gonna grab your husband.

Ah, come on!

Oh yeah!

There you go, get him.

Grab his Speedo. Rip his swim cap off.

Kenny. You better come get your wife right now.

- Why? - She's drunk.

Time out. Time out.

Goddamn. She is getting fucked up.

All right, you. Get in here.

I got a trash can down here

in case you get sick, all right?

- I gotta wash my hair. - No, no, no, no, no.

- No, no. - I gotta wash...

You wash it in the morning, all right?

I got puke in it.

No, no. There's no puke in it.

I think it's just sun tan lotion.

Where the hell are your shoes at?

You wanna get under the covers?

I wanna get under the covers.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, goddamn it.

Get under these covers.

- There you go. - [phone rings]

- Daddy, is Mom OK? - Yeah, she's cool, man.

She's just pooped from riding all those rides.

- Y'all like movies? - [both] Yeah!

Yeah. How about G.I. Joe: Retaliation?

I didn't really appreciate it the first time I saw it

but upon multiple viewings it holds up.

You guys watch it two, three times? That cool?

- OK. - Yeah.

Why don't you sing your mom your goodnight song.

[both singing] Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight

Whoo!

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight

Whoo!

I was trying to get

into my computer the other day

and I couldn't get in. I was typing in "WakeForest",

which is my password. "WakeForest", denied. "WakeForest", denied.

For a moment there you were locked out of your own computer.

I didn't know...

It's a really bad feeling when you lock yourself out.

Finally, I realize, when I set up the password,

I used a dollar sign instead of the "S".

- So, duh. - Boom.

Jesus Christ, dude. The women are sleeping upstairs,

Gene's putting us to sleep down here. My God.

- I like Gene's stories. - You like Gene's stories.

Of course you do. Because they're fucking boring, Tel.

- Just like you. - [Stevie] Oh, snap.

- [Tel] Come on. - All right.

Jesus Christ.

You're not Kenny Powers, are you?

Uh, yes, I am.

Every day and night. Are these shots for me?

- Yeah... Well, I thought... - Thank you very much.

- ...we could, uh... - Mm.

- ...toss a few back. - Mm.

- All right. - Boom. Gratitude.

- Nice to meet you. - Take care.

- My name's Shawnsee. - This is Jessie.

Don't worry, she's just my sister.

Yeah. I saw you on TV fighting that black dude

and it fucking cracked me up.

It's always nice to meet a fan, of course.

Oh shit. This is uncle Hal.

He's fucking crazy, man. He's just like you.

I don't really see the resemblance.

My eyes aren't all fucking vacant and hollow like his.

- [Kenny chuckles] - [inaudible]

Why don't you hang out with us, Kenny?

You wanna take this party upstairs?

Actually, we were about to head out.

No, no. Ignore this Taliban cleric over here.

Let's take the party upstairs.

[country music playing]

Hey, is there a different Wi-Fi password

- on this floor of the hotel? - Put that shit away.

- What's wrong with you, man? - I'm trying to...

Fuck. I just took a big old dump and now I'm ready to party

with Kenny Powers.

- [giggles] - Cocaine.

- Whoa! Jesus. No thanks. - [Kenny laughs]

- I got a buzz from the beers. - Whoa, whoa.

- Hard drugs. - Hard drugs?

Your people make this shit, right?

Look at you, all scared shitless over a schedule 2 narcotic.

I'll show you fucking drugs.

I'll show you exactly how to do some motherfucking drugs.

Eyebrow licking time.

[in raspy voice] Gene and Tel. The cocaine monster is here.

What are you doing?

[laughing] You motherfuckers...

Come on, your turns to do cocaine.

No. I'm not doing any coke, man.

- Cause it's pretty late... - Dudes, dudes. Sh-sh-sh-sh.

Just don't give me this shit right now. Listen.

We fucking are sharing some important times in our lives.

Let's fucking add to the sensations.

- All right. Kenny, enough. - Kenny, come on.

This was supposed to be about the kids, all right?

We're not supposed to be up here having this party.

Gene, brother. Brother man. Come on, dude.

I know your jokes fucking suck...

- No, man. - ...but win my respect.

That's enough, OK? We're gonna go to bed.

- It's been... - Tel, goddamn it. Do cocaine.

- No. - OK. I'm just kidding around.

- But do cocaine. - Kenny.

- Sleep well. - [mocking] OK, Tel. I will.

The fuck?

- [giggling] - How's it going?

- You guys. - Jesus.

Don't say a fucking word about what you saw in there.

- Do you hear me? - Of course. I'm just tired.

Yeah, you're tired. If you tell your fucking wives,

I swear to God I will tell them that you slept with those women.

Jesus, man.

I paid for all your fucking families to be here.

You said you got those tickets from work.

How dare you. How dare you.

Tel, get him out of here. I don't wanna see him.

Get him out of here. Go.

- Get! - Let's go, let's go, Gene.

How dare you, Gene.

Uh... I got good news.

My sister wants to suck your dick.

- [Kenny] That's dope news. - And also, your balls.

She told me to tell you that.

That's very flattering. She's a pretty fucking gorgeous girl.

But I'm married, homes. Fucking locked down.

Fucking, my balls don't get no attention anymore.

Yeah.

What's wrong with you?

Wanna go swimming?

- [giggling] - Come on, come on.

Keep up, keep up.

Sh-sh-sh-sh.

[wooing]

OK.

Show 'em what you got.

No lines at the water park.

This is what I call a wet dream.

Oh, take it off.

Don't fall. I think that my face is too...

This water's really warm.

Oh my God, my nipples are hard.

- [laughs] - We've been partying

- like wild, right? - Yeah.

Your brother's pretty fucking crazy, too.

- We're twins. - [laughs] Yeah,

- you said as much. - I know.

He was talking some pretty crazy shit up there about you.

Oh, my God. Like what was he saying?

All kinds of shit. Fucking spilling the beans on your ass.

[laughs] Beans? Like what kind of beans?

Like in a salad or what?

No, not beans in a salad. Just stuff you've been saying.

What I been saying?

I don't know. You tell me what you told him to tell me.

[laughs] You wanna hear?

- Yeah. - I'll tell you.

In my room. Room 289.

- [giggles] - Yeah?

Yeah.

[exhales] Oh, Jessie.

Sweet, young...

full of promise and potential.

You know I really do appreciate the fact

that you're drawn to me and what, I do.

But no.

I can't come up to your hotel room.

I've been given a second chance at fame.

I got people depending on me.

Got a wife, kids, family.

[sighs]

I can't abuse this second chance I've been granted.

They're will be no dick sucks tonight.

Like, I can't lick it or whatever?

No. Just...

My dick can't ever be in your mouth ever, OK?

I... OK.

- So... - It's for the best...

- Oh, so... - No, you go ahead.

- No, no. I'm sorry. - What were you gonna say?

No, you go ahead. What were you gonna say?

I was just gonna say it's warm in here so it's nice.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. It is warm, I know.

For a second, like, I was thinking it was cold.

But no, it is warm.

- It's late, yeah? - Yeah.

It's so pretty.

What do you think the other guys are doing?

And I don't even think that cocaine did that much to me.

It's just like I'm inside of a rainbow right now.

On one hand, I feel like I'm talking too much.

On the other hand, I don't feel like I'm talking enough.

Like I have more to... Ohh. Oh, it feels so good.

- Security! Get out of the pool. - Oh!

- Kenny, it's the cops! - Oh, shit!

It's the cops.

Come on, goddamn it. Shit.

[sighs]

[Stevie whispering] Kiss, caress, attend.

- Kiss, caress, attend. - Harder.

- ...caress, attend. - Harder.

[whimpers]

What is it, Stevie?

It's not you, it's me, OK?

I did coke tonight. I've coked it.

I did tons and tons of coke.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Fuck me.

Dear God, should I go get my dick sucked?

[whispering] Jessie.

- Hey. - Hi.

Congratulations.

[chuckles] What?

I decided to take you up on one of those sweet cock sucks

you were talking about from earlier.

Oh.

No, honey. No. You were right.

You have a family. We can't. It's too messed up.

You don't have to worry about that, it's fine.

[both chuckle]

No, I'm sorry.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

- Is it time to get up? - No, no, no, no.

[whispering] The kids are still asleep.

Listen, I got to admit it. That you were right.

I needed this. We needed this.

Thank you so much for making me realize it.

Because I had a fucking blast.

Yeah. Well, I told you that this would be awesome.

So, yeah. It's a great time.

OK. So now you can be really honest with me.

How bad did I embarrass myself?

- Ah, come on. - Come on.

- You can tell the truth. - No, no. You were fine.

Seriously, don't get in your head about it.

Nothing bad happened. Nothing at all.

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