All language subtitles for Eastbound & Down s03e02.eng

Fuck you!

If she is not back
by the time SWAT is over with...

Then she is going to have
hell to pay. Do you hear me?

Yeah, I know.
This just makes absolutely no sense at all.

At all. Leave
me the kid.

You're going to have sex with me and then
just going to leave me with the kid?

It's not, nope. It's not how we do it.
Where is she, Toby?

Wha...
Where is she?

Where, where would she have gone to?

What is that smell?

Oh, Jesus Christ!
What'd you eat? Diarrhea?

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Perfect. Okay.
That looks good to me.

Yes, April, it is I, Kenny.

You just had sex with me last
night and then left this morning.

Okay,
April, this isn't really funny.

Not sure where you are, but I'm starting
to guess that I've been abandoned.

Yes, I'd like a large half
Hawaiian, half pesto pizza.

I have a screaming baby
here and he's super hungry.

Guess
what, April, it's me.

Uh, if you could call me back on my
wireless mobile cell phone device...

I would greatly appreciate it.

You know what?
You know what? Forget that.

I'm coming to find you. Fuck you!

Shit.

Let's go.

That crying has already got me
agitated about this whole situation.

Hey, yeah, well, how do you think I feel?
Come on! I'm lending you

for 24 hours only, the one-and-only
world-famous, pussy rocket.

All right, I assume this is
some kind of emergency, right?

Yes, absolutely.
What are you doin'?

I'm gonna take this kid and put him where he came from.
Right up April's asshole.

Oh, yeah, that's good.
I like that tone.

All right, please be
careful with this, okay?

You might want to buckle
the little kid up, too.

There we are.

Put that goddamn baby inside
there. Stupid fucking baby.

I will have this car back tonight...

Without a goddamn scratch on it, or
my name isn't Kenny fucking Powers.

There you go. Okay.

Oh, Jesus Christ!
He just puked all over your upholstery.

What? I think his
body's rejecting the Pepsi.

Oh, shit! Okay, I'll be right back.
I'm gonna go get some spray.

Jesus Christ!
Come on!

Quick, get some towels.
I think he shit his pants, too.

Don't eat the puke.
Just keep it on the shirt.

April? Party's over!
I'm returning your child!

April! Come out and face
your problems like a man!

This is very, very cuntious behavior.

April! I'm going
through your bras!

Dawg, you've gotta stay with me.
I'm moving very fast today. Come on!

Henderson Realty.
Please hold. What's up, realtors?

Can you please tell me which of these desks
belongs to April Buchanon? Huge tits?

Excuse me?

Never mind, I see a photograph
of the child we share together.

Uh, sir, you can't do that!

Kenny?

Word! What's up, Jamie?

What the hell are you doing?

Uh, s...searching for April.

Look, I haven't heard from her, all right?
I'm sorry. I can't help you.

If you've had any sort of
correspondence with her, any,

I'm talking a fucking text message,

an email, a fucking emoticon exchange,

a facsimile, a fucking page,
anything, I deserve to know.

Her son-child
deserves to know.

Where's the child?

Homeboy's chillin' right here.

What? Jesus, dude!
She left him with you?

I know. It's the worst thing that
anyone's ever done to me before.

But why the hell do you
got him in a book bag?

Because he's...trying to
make him eat this lettuce.

I poked holes in it, it's fine,
he can breathe through it.

All right, look, uh, she called
me from the road, all right.

She said that she needed some time off and
that, uh, she needs to sort some stuff out.

Why the fuck would she call
you? She hasn't called me!

Look, I'm her boss, all
right. She works for me.

She should call me when she's gone.

And did you tell her to get her
fucking lazy ass back to work?

No! I told her to come
back when she's ready.

What the fuck kind of operation
are you running here, man?

You're telling me how to run my business,
you come in here with a baby in a bag.

What's that?
Oh, excuse me...

I'm sorry if I don't know how
to wrap him up in a papoose,

and bounce him on my head in
a basket like your people do.

Look... I know
April, and...

She wouldn't do this unless
it was the last resort, okay?

I'm putting you on blast, homeboy.

You're moving from neutral
ally back to hostile threat.

Kenny...
Hostile threat.

Okay, so let's get ready to trust each other!
This is gonna be fun.

Palms up, everybody.
Put your hands out.

Maybe take a step in.

Now I think the reason we had that
fist fight in the supply closet,

is that Robin has some trust issues.

So we're going to do
something about that right now.

Robin...

Whenever you are ready, I just
want you to close your eyes and trust us.

What's up? Is gay-ass yoga
on the curriculum now?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh!

- That bitch just fell.
- Robin!

Yeah, well that's very unfortunate
for all parties involved,

but I don't know how I can help you, because
I haven't talked to April in months.

I don't know where she
is, and I don't care.

Well, it's good for you, but right now I
just need to talk to you as a man to man.

I'm running out of
options here, all right.

If you hear anything about her or
know anything, you have to tell me.

You please
have to tell me.

Do I? This kid's gonna have to eat,

and I have absolutely no
idea how to facilitate that.

You have a child in the backpack?

Yes, he's resting.
Oh, okay.

Good luck to you with your life.

It's not going to be easy because
both of your parents are horrible.

There, I've helped
the child enormously.

Well, I need
to get back to work.

What are you laughing at?

Oh, it's just amusing how
everything worked out. Isn't it?

Good luck to you.

Great. All of your gloating
has woken the child.

Go back to sleep.

- Hola, Kenny Powers.
- Hola, Maria.

Hola, Toby.

Yeah, he'd say, "What's up," but April
never taught him how to speak, so...

Got something for you. It's
Friends DVD, season six.

Criterion collections.

Gracias.

Here, tend to this child.

- Take him. Take this baby.
- Thank you.

Ah, my Bibliotheca, huh.

- Estupido?
- Si.

Don't you dare blame the debacle of the
publishing of my Mexico Chronicles on me.

Did you read the fucking preface
your husband wrote? He ruined it.

Kenny Fucking Powers
en mi casa, no.

I can't understand a
fucking word you're saying.

And why are you wearing FUBU?
That's for them, by them.

You're assimilating weird. You look like a
goddamn strange sort of Mexican Grimace.

Where's Stevie? I got a very important
mission for him. It's time-sensitive.

Kia.

What the fuck is that?

Use your words right. Write
it down. Put it on paper.

Kia?

Service manager, line one.
Service manager, line one.

Well, would you lookie there?
There's old whistle dick out here.

Cleaning another car.

Are you getting it clean?
The customer wants it cleaned and shined.

Hey look,
you missed a spot.

Smell that finger.
Smells like Saturday night.

You're a lucky man.

I will kick your ass!
Let's go.

Damn, Stevie.

They got you out like a straight up
gimp up in this mother fucker, huh?

What's going on, dawg?

What's up, dawg? What
are you doing here?

Look, I need you to drop
all this gay bullshit,

and fucking get back to
work with me, all right.

I need your abilities
to do stuff for me.

We gotta go find April.

Wait, wait. And that's the
only reason you came here?

Well, being that she dropped me with her
fucking kid, yes, it is my primary objective.

Well, in that case, good luck to you,
but I really need to get back to work.

What's up with the womanly tone?

Womanly tone?
There's no womanly tone, Kenny.

Stevie, there is some very serious
deep shit happening right now.

And I do not have time to play Inspector
Gadget to your emotions. What's up?

What do you want me to say?
I haven't seen you in a year.

You went to Myrtle Beach and then
you left me in Shelby, okay.

Then I get a phone call out of nowhere
telling me to self-publish your book.

And I did, and now I am
thousands of dollars in debt,

and I'm about to lose my
apartment all because...

Nobody wanted your
dang gum book, Kenny. Nobody.

You're going to sit
here and fucking cry,

and blame me for the failure
of The Powers of Now?

I'm the one who said that nobody wants to
see a Goddamn tale set in Mexico, okay.

I said we got to go super heavy on
the Remo Williams adventure shit.

You're the one who said we had to go
heavy on the depression, self-help shit!

Now it's a damn
muddy mish-mosh!

You're a writer, I'm not a writer, I
should have taken your note and I'm sorry.

Bottom line is...
Maria, my wife,

does not think it's a good idea
that I talk to you anymore.

So you've forgotten about the
most golden of all rules.

What?

Bros before hoes.

You did good, girls.
Grab yourself a donut.

Hold up. Kenny Powers?
Is that you at my new dealership?

Ashley fucking Schaeffer.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Captain Kenneth J. Powers.

This is who you're working for now?

Yeah.

I see you haven't forgotten
about us little people. Whoo!

I thought you owned that BMW joint?

Oh, I did, until I got tangled up with
some Better Business Bureau bullshit.

Misplaced VIN numbers,
customer gouging,

allegations of prostitution,

semi-automatic weapons found with
trace levels of cocaine dust.

Those are just minor details that
don't need to be discussed further.

You firing baseballs around my place didn't
help much either, but I'm much happier here.

Kia's a...a vastly
superior machine.

Well, congratulations. Good
for you two butt fuckers.

Now if you wouldn't mind just
sashaying on out of here,

I'd like to finish this private
convo with my business associate.

It's you, Mr. Powers, who
needs to sashay out of here.

Sashay off my property
where I hold my Kias...

Because I'd hate for...for
anything bad to happen to you.

Is that a gun?

I don't know. Is it?

All right, fine.
Whatever.

I will vacate the premises, but not
because you've intimidated me.

But because I'm in the midst of a
very important mission right now.

To find the fucking
mother of my son.

Okay?

Stevie, come, let's do this.

Au contraire,
Kenny Powers.

This little, this little
baby-faced angel stays with me.

Yeah, he works for me now.

And his chores ain't done
till the sun goes down.

Ain't that right?

Yes, Mr. Schaeffer.

Now you tell Mr. Kenny
Powers to run along now.

Run along now, Kenny Powers.

Stevie, I'm having a really hard
time shoving this pill up my ass.

Scott can show you how to
shove a pill up your asshole.

Delicious.

Fuck you, Scott.

Poor Mr. Powers...

Why don't you run along and play
with your imaginary things, okay?

And let me just give you
one thing to remember me by.

Oh! Damn!

Fuck you, fuck you,
especially fuck you.

Yeah, you walk on out of here,
you bowlegged piece of shit.

Oh, my God!

Oh, I like your muscle shirt.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo! How'd
you like that, son?

Well, you
get back to work, okay?

And get to rubbing
deep in the crevices.

You're a lucky man.

I'm so wet right
now. Where are the bitches?

Dustin's family!

There's been a disaster tragedy that
requires all of your immediate attentions.

Kenny? What are
you doing here?

Hi there, precious! How
are you? Oh my, God.

Kenny, when was the last
time you changed that baby?

This morning. Why? How many
times are you supposed to?

Give him to me.

He's got poo-poo running
all down his cellulite.

It's good to see you spending
some time with your boy.

Yeah, trust me, it's not by choice.

April ditched me with
him, then split. What?

- Really?
- Yep...

I went by her house and
broke in. She wasn't there.

Then I went by her
fucking place of work.

Had to nearly deliver the
critical beat down to her boss.

He told me she called, talking
some shit about needing some time.

Damn Kenny, that sounds, that sounds serious.
That's some serious shit there.

Yeah, no shit it's serious, Dustin.

Stop stating obvious facts.
It's not progressing this dialogue, all right.

Cassie, what are the ladies
at the tampon shop saying?

Now Kenny, I haven't heard a thing.

But, my God, I hope nothing
serious has happened to her.

To her? What about to me? I can't even
believe this shit is happening, all right?

A, who does this? Just disappears off the
face of the earth without telling anybody?

And, C, how the fuck
am I gonna raise a kid...

When I'm still trying to
raise a baseball comeback?

Plenty of people have kids
and a job. You can do it.

Cassie, you definitely are more
intelligent than my brother here,

who right now sounds
like a Goddamn moron.

Well, you know, I can certainly
sympathize with you, Kenny. Sure.

All right, perfect.
Well, then...

I have to ask you guys
a very serious question.

Before you answer, I just want you to
think about the well-being of this child.

Will you raise Toby as your own?

We aren't going to raise your child...
Dustin, what did I say?

I said, look before you leap...
Marinade on it, think about it.

Now then, Dustin, without being
all cunty, you may answer.

We aren't going to raise your child.

Oh, I know...

Kenny, I know it seems
a little overwhelming,

right now, and to be honest, I'm a little
terrified of the thought of you raising Toby,

too, but, uh, you know,
at the end of the day...

A baby needs his daddy,
right, and that's you.

All right, final offer.
I'll throw you all mother fuckers $25 a week...

Which will cover like all
his little panty liners...

And suches,
this little baby stuff.

Kenny, man the fuck
up. You got this.

Fine, but I'll have you two know...

That this is the last time I
ask either of you for a favor.

I'm sorry, that's just
the way it's gotta be.

Now, hand me my son.
I have a life to ruin.

All right, you're just going to have
to trust me on this one, buddy.

I can barely keep
my own life together,

let alone be responsible
for someone else's.

You, on the other hand,

you have a destiny much greater
than anything I could afford you.

Your fate will be akin to
those who have come before you.

The greats, like Moses, or the baby
from Willow, and other people, too.

May the future Gods
watch over you, my son.

Find your destiny.

Aw, shit! Kids do the
darnedest things.

Shit. Toby!

Toby!

Hola, Maria. I need
to talk to Stevie.

Stevie, no here.

Maria, I understand that you do not like
me hanging around with your husband.

Well, he no here. He boss
have dinner party and he go.

He's at Schaeffer's house?
Si.

Do you know where that
mother fucker lives?

Let's raise a
glass, please. Right here.

To our, uh, our corporate
friends from the island nation of Korea.

We welcome you.
We hope for many,

successful years of happiness and
prosperity to Kia Motor Company.

I'd also like to raise a
glass to my beautiful wife, Donna.

Oh, thank
you, my darling.

And her luxurious, sumptuous rack.
Rack of boob.

And I'd like to raise a glass to
myself, the leader of this flock.

I work hard every day at
getting this hair in check.

Otherwise, I don't work
much at all. To me.

Dumplings are ready!

Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Mammy makes the best dumplings in the world.

Mammy's dumplings will make you cum.

Oh! Cum fu!

Ashley, I thought I raised
you better than that, boy.

You did, Mammy, but I'm just
all full of Fanta tonight.

You're gonna be full of more
than that, you keep talking.

Sorry, Mammy.

All right, Maria, you and
the kid hang here. Okay?

I'll go in and get him.

This is my friend's truck, so don't...

Mess with the bass settings or try
to drive it or anything, okay?

Okay. Find him.

I will. Goddamn, why the hell you trying to
make the stakes all of sudden feel real high,

and freak me the fuck
out? Thanks, Maria.

If I could have your attention at this
point in the evening, we'd like to, uh...

Introduce our entertainment.

Flown in all the way from the Orient,

the very mysterious and
alluring, Cherry Blossom!

Oh, so seductive.

Look at the pageantry.
Focus on the pageantry.

She's gorgeous.

Yep, she's gorgeous.
She floats.

She floats above the ground.

Subtle movements. Whoo!

She may give
lap dance later on.

She may give?
She will give.

Come on, Cherry Blossom, don't be shy.
Get all the way into the room.

Work the line, work the line.

You heard Scott, Cherry
Blossom. Don't disappoint.

Mr. Myung, that little lotus
flower is just your style, isn't it?

Are you getting
an erection, Mr. Myung?

He's getting
excited. Yeah.

Yeah, do what you
gotta do, Cherry Blossom.

- Show some fish.
- Here we go, Mr. Quon.

We're serving dessert
early. Lift up your blouse.

Jackpot!

Cherry Blossom
is now in full bloom.

Rub some, rub some
of that kimchi on that spot.

- Is that sushi?
- Behold the delicious fruits.

It's all yours...

Yes, Cherry
Blossom, yes!

Who's gonna
be the lucky man?

Ugh!

Ahhh! Nobody
fucking move!

Kenny!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my old
friend, Kenny Powers.

Have you come here to sample
some of Mammy's dumplings?

Fuck those dumplings. I came
here to liberate my assistant.

You did?

Stevie, why the fuck are you dressed
up like The Joy Luck Club?

All I know is,
I put on a kimono,

and then they made me rub
my dick all over people.

It's called sex trafficking, Stevie.

These men are using you.

Mr. Schaeffer, you made me rub
my genitals on another man,

and I have never done
that before I met you!

So I sincerely say to you,
fuck you, Mr. Schaeffer!

I'm going with Kenny fucking Powers!

Fuck yeah, you are!

Unhand him, Scott!

No! No! Who said you
can come in here and...

And run rampant all over Ashley
Schaeffer, in front of his guests, and

my beautiful, beautiful
sculpture-like wife, Donna?

You cost me
my dealership, Powers.

I thought you were fine with it.

I'm not fine!
I sell fucking Kias!

Think about that! You owe
me a great debt, Powers.

It's time for me to collect.

Anybody ready for some more dumplings?

Help me! Help me, boy!
Mammy!

Let her go! No!
Not until you unhand Stevie first.

I'm not a slave trader, Powers!

Oh, she's got my balls! Ahhh!
Yeah! Go, Mammy, go!

Get the fuck back!
Help! Help me!

- Go, Mammy, go!
- Oh, shit, oh!

Don't move, boy. I'll blow
your brains out your asshole.

Gabriel. My son, my seed, you
received my secret silent command.

Wonderful! Now you run upstairs
and go wash yourself for father.

Gentlemen...

Do yourself a favor and grab your drinks
and join me out on the back patio.

Tonight's going to
be...a special night.

All right, you
all come on out. Come on.

Don't try nothing.

Koreans...

We, here in the deep south, pride our
self on our after-dinner aperitifs.

One, two, three, behold.

Yes, yes.

Joseph.
Me?

I'm talking
to you, Joe.

Mammy, here, told me about your
tomfoolery in the tool shed.

Ashley, that was
supposed to be secrets.

You misunderstood,
Mammy. That was love.

Is it true you taped a spoon to a
rolled-up piece of newspaper...

And then tried to explore
her privates with it?

Mammy's a damn liar!
That's what she is!

You's a shit sniffer!
Mammy don't lie!

I'm a good Christian woman!

Hand your firearm over to Scott and
prepare to explain yourself to St. Peter.

Hope you brought your track shoes.

Run!

Joe, I'd get
your high step going!

The most fucked-up part
is I'm having his baby.

Koreans behold.

If you have any question about my dedication
and loyalty to Kia Motor Company,

that was one of my
most promising interns.

Cool. That was a wonderful
show, Mr. Schaeffer.

Uh, Stevie and myself will tell no one
of this, if you let us go right now.

I propose this to
you, Mr. Powers.

If you make it past the shitty
creek, you're a free man.

I'll even let you take the
alluring Cherry Blossom with you.

If you choose not to, I'll
keep your boy for eternity.

Eternity?

How would you even do that?

Don't question, just answer.

How important is this
pathetic man to you?

Light the fucking cannon.

Consummate
showman, Powers.

No, Kenny! I'm not worth
it! I'm not worth it!

I know you're not, Stevie, but I can't
raise this fucking kid by myself.

I need you to move to Myrtle.

For real?
Yes.

Approach the line.

Where, exactly, is the line?

The line...arts and,

crafted by my son, Gabriel, with striking paper
and two of his favorite stuffed animals.

- The... Got it.
- You'll find it.

Cherry Blossom, you too.

Me, too?

Apocalypto!

What?
Run!

Ahhh! Run, Stevie!

Run!

Whoo! Old South!

What is that horrible monster truck
doing riding over my azaleas?

There's no escaping
Schaeffer plantation!

I told you not to move
the fucking truck!

Feel the wrath!

Let's go, let's go! Let's
get fuck out of here!

Go!

Aw!

Stupid!

You fucking are weird!

You are really fucking weird.

I fucked up big time.

He fucking pounded
your nuts with a spoon.

I, I, I nearly got raped.

I mean he
was going to rape...

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