Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,050 --> 00:00:25,666
Original subtitles by FidelPerez
Colored and Improved by zer0_
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(LIGHTER CLICKS)
3
00:00:44,186 --> 00:00:46,232
(WINDING MUSIC BOX)
4
00:01:00,507 --> 00:01:02,814
(♫ "ALL OUT OF LOVE" PLAYING ♫)
5
00:01:23,878 --> 00:01:25,358
(SNIFFING)
6
00:01:33,366 --> 00:01:35,063
(BOTTLES CLATTERING)
7
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:17,105
DEADPOOL: Fuck Wolverine.
8
00:02:17,149 --> 00:02:19,847
First, he rides my coattails
with the R rating.
9
00:02:19,891 --> 00:02:24,286
Then the hairy motherfucker
ups the ante by dying.
10
00:02:24,330 --> 00:02:26,506
What a dick.
11
00:02:26,549 --> 00:02:28,769
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
12
00:02:28,813 --> 00:02:31,641
I'm dying in this one, too.
13
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,078
(♫ "X GOIN' GIVE IT TO YA" PLAYING ♫)
14
00:02:34,383 --> 00:02:36,777
DEADPOOL: To understand
why I took a cat-nap
15
00:02:36,821 --> 00:02:38,910
on 1,200 gallons
of high-test fuel...
16
00:02:38,953 --> 00:02:40,302
I need to take you back
17
00:02:40,346 --> 00:02:42,783
to the dewy slopes
of six weeks ago.
18
00:02:42,827 --> 00:02:44,176
I'd gone international,
19
00:02:44,219 --> 00:02:46,134
taking out mass murderers,
gangsters,
20
00:02:46,178 --> 00:02:47,875
unspeakable monsters.
21
00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:50,878
People nobody would touch.
Except me.
22
00:02:50,922 --> 00:02:52,880
I'm gonna touch them all over.
23
00:02:52,924 --> 00:02:54,490
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
24
00:02:56,536 --> 00:02:58,451
DEADPOOL:Hey, it's Gail calling.
25
00:02:58,494 --> 00:02:59,626
Love the shiny suit.
26
00:02:59,669 --> 00:03:01,410
Really brings out
the sex trafficker in your eyes.
27
00:03:01,454 --> 00:03:03,534
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
28
00:03:04,587 --> 00:03:08,678
(IN ENGLISH)
I don't speak Cantonese, Mister...
29
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,855
Well, I'm not even gonna
attempt that.
30
00:03:10,898 --> 00:03:13,379
But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so...
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
31
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:18,558
Which literally translates to...
32
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:21,648
I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.
33
00:03:21,691 --> 00:03:22,736
(CELL PHONE CLATTERS)
34
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,436
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
35
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,004
(GUNS COCKING)
36
00:03:31,397 --> 00:03:34,139
Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's.
37
00:03:34,182 --> 00:03:35,444
I am so sorry.
38
00:03:35,488 --> 00:03:37,118
I thought this was
an anal-bleaching party.
39
00:03:37,142 --> 00:03:38,186
(GUNS FIRING)
40
00:03:38,230 --> 00:03:39,274
(GRUNTING)
41
00:03:43,017 --> 00:03:44,845
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
42
00:03:44,889 --> 00:03:46,064
(GASPS)
43
00:03:46,107 --> 00:03:47,369
(SHUSHING)
44
00:03:56,596 --> 00:03:57,945
(MEN LAUGHING)
45
00:03:59,686 --> 00:04:01,557
Don't worry.
You're not going to die.
46
00:04:01,601 --> 00:04:03,690
Although these will kill you.
47
00:04:03,733 --> 00:04:04,952
Hit it, Dolly.
48
00:04:04,996 --> 00:04:06,519
(♫ "9 TO 5" PLAYING ♫)
49
00:04:11,045 --> 00:04:12,220
(BOTH GRUNTING)
50
00:04:14,396 --> 00:04:15,397
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
51
00:04:25,233 --> 00:04:26,626
I'm merely
a vessel for the Lord.
52
00:04:33,111 --> 00:04:34,155
(MEN GROANING)
53
00:04:37,898 --> 00:04:40,466
Taking the hands out
of the guns of the criminals!
54
00:04:47,995 --> 00:04:50,519
Whoo! Do not go in there!
55
00:04:57,222 --> 00:04:59,311
Let's see
Captain America do that.
56
00:05:00,790 --> 00:05:01,966
(MEN CHEERING)
57
00:05:04,969 --> 00:05:06,013
(CROWD CHEERING)
58
00:05:08,276 --> 00:05:09,799
Too exotic?
59
00:05:31,733 --> 00:05:33,778
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
60
00:05:34,955 --> 00:05:36,217
(♫ SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ♫)
61
00:05:37,740 --> 00:05:39,090
(ALL GRUNTING)
62
00:05:56,846 --> 00:05:58,109
(♫ MUSIC CONTINUES ♫)
63
00:06:31,968 --> 00:06:34,928
Oh, God! Oh, God, time out!
Time out!
64
00:06:34,971 --> 00:06:38,497
Cut. I've got bad guy blood,
right in my open eye.
65
00:06:38,540 --> 00:06:40,542
Oh, that's so gross.
66
00:06:40,586 --> 00:06:41,630
(GROANING)
67
00:06:41,674 --> 00:06:43,850
Fuck.
68
00:06:43,893 --> 00:06:45,784
Looks like you left
a little landing strip there.
69
00:06:45,808 --> 00:06:46,853
I like it.
70
00:06:51,988 --> 00:06:53,599
Oh, man!
71
00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,909
DEADPOOL: My world tour
brought me home
72
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:02,390
to this guy,
Sergei Valishnikov.
73
00:07:02,434 --> 00:07:03,957
But we'll get to him
in a moment.
74
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,437
'Cause I know
what you're thinking.
75
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,222
"I'm so glad
I left the kiddos at home."
76
00:07:08,266 --> 00:07:09,963
But that's where
you'd be wrong.
77
00:07:10,006 --> 00:07:12,748
That babysitter of yours
is high as fuck right now...
78
00:07:12,792 --> 00:07:17,101
and, believe it or not,
Deadpool 2 is a family film.
79
00:07:17,144 --> 00:07:18,928
True story.
80
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:22,149
And every good family film
starts with a vicious murder.
81
00:07:22,193 --> 00:07:25,283
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
82
00:07:25,326 --> 00:07:28,634
(CHUCKLING) Holy shit pickles!
That guy's on fire.
83
00:07:28,677 --> 00:07:31,593
That's not CGI, folks.
He's actually on fire.
84
00:07:31,637 --> 00:07:35,031
Yeah. You know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?
85
00:07:35,075 --> 00:07:36,294
But this guy?
86
00:07:36,337 --> 00:07:38,296
He was one of the worst of 'em.
87
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,517
Hurry up and open
this fucking door,
88
00:07:42,561 --> 00:07:43,712
and let's kill
this motherfucker!
89
00:07:43,736 --> 00:07:44,998
- (ALARM RINGING)
- (GUNSHOT)
90
00:07:45,041 --> 00:07:46,042
(BODY THUDS)
91
00:07:50,786 --> 00:07:52,832
Ugh. So gross.
92
00:07:52,875 --> 00:07:55,704
A panic room? Really?
93
00:07:55,748 --> 00:07:57,967
- Can you come out?
- (WATCH BEEPING)
94
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:01,101
I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.
95
00:08:03,625 --> 00:08:05,453
(GUNS COCKING)
96
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,432
MAN: (ON RADIO)Over and over, I hear people say,
97
00:08:08,456 --> 00:08:10,023
"I just don't have
enough confidence."
98
00:08:10,066 --> 00:08:12,156
Listen, confidence is not
something you have.
99
00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:13,635
- It's something you create.
- (LAUGHS)
100
00:08:13,679 --> 00:08:15,594
And you can create it
at any moment in time.
101
00:08:15,637 --> 00:08:17,335
A sense of confidence
is nothing
102
00:08:17,378 --> 00:08:19,119
but a sense of power
within yourself...
103
00:08:19,163 --> 00:08:20,705
a sense of certainty that
you can pull something off.
104
00:08:20,729 --> 00:08:22,818
DEADPOOL:
Start the fucking car!
105
00:08:22,862 --> 00:08:23,993
Dopinder!
106
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,560
Start the fucking car!
107
00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:27,171
(SCREAMS)
108
00:08:30,261 --> 00:08:32,741
MAN: Shoot that motherfucker!
Shoot him!
109
00:08:32,785 --> 00:08:34,308
- Whoo!
- Oh, I shit my pants.
110
00:08:34,352 --> 00:08:36,745
Actually, that may have been me.
111
00:08:36,789 --> 00:08:38,051
Oh, mission accomplished?
112
00:08:38,094 --> 00:08:40,227
Oh, in a George W. sort of way.
113
00:08:40,271 --> 00:08:41,968
Fucker can't stay
in a panic room forever.
114
00:08:42,011 --> 00:08:43,467
DOPINDER: Oh, you're living
the dreams, DP.
115
00:08:43,491 --> 00:08:45,667
It has been
quite the run, Dopinder,
116
00:08:45,711 --> 00:08:47,016
and who'da thought?
117
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,497
Now I'm talked about
in the same sentence as Jesus.
118
00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:51,412
Passion of the Christ, then me.
119
00:08:51,456 --> 00:08:52,718
At least domestically.
120
00:08:52,761 --> 00:08:53,980
We beat them overseas,
121
00:08:54,023 --> 00:08:56,025
where there's no such thing
as religion.
122
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,245
I do want to live
the dreams, Pool Boy.
123
00:08:58,289 --> 00:09:00,682
Taxiing is not as sexy
as it looks.
124
00:09:00,726 --> 00:09:02,510
- I want to fill my...
- Pockets?
125
00:09:02,554 --> 00:09:05,774
What's your poison?
A little, uh, cokey cokey?
126
00:09:05,818 --> 00:09:07,167
Can't maintain an erection
127
00:09:07,211 --> 00:09:08,753
- without buying shoes online?
- (HORN HONKS)
128
00:09:08,777 --> 00:09:10,736
I've never experienced
that last one.
129
00:09:10,779 --> 00:09:12,172
Talk to me, Goose.
130
00:09:12,216 --> 00:09:14,914
I was going to say "soul".
I want to fill my soul.
131
00:09:14,957 --> 00:09:18,047
I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.
132
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,049
- Dopinder...
- Hmm?
133
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,921
You never cease
to surprise me.
134
00:09:23,227 --> 00:09:26,055
You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.
135
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,753
We all need
a sense of belonging.
136
00:09:27,796 --> 00:09:29,581
We all need
a genuine sense of home.
137
00:09:29,624 --> 00:09:30,756
A place in this world.
138
00:09:30,799 --> 00:09:32,159
I want to become
a contract killer.
139
00:09:32,192 --> 00:09:34,020
I'm sorry. What did you say?
140
00:09:34,063 --> 00:09:36,022
Remember when
I kidnapped Bandhu
141
00:09:36,065 --> 00:09:37,391
and threatened him
with great violence?
142
00:09:37,415 --> 00:09:39,025
You kind of killed him.
143
00:09:39,068 --> 00:09:40,655
And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?
144
00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:41,854
Don't want to.
145
00:09:41,897 --> 00:09:42,985
When Tom Cruise fed
146
00:09:43,029 --> 00:09:44,857
10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst blood
147
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:46,119
for the first time...
148
00:09:46,162 --> 00:09:48,556
and she looked up
at his smooth,
149
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,819
handsome face and said...
150
00:09:51,603 --> 00:09:53,387
"I want some more."
151
00:09:53,431 --> 00:09:57,086
Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
152
00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:00,829
I'll never not picture that.
153
00:10:00,873 --> 00:10:02,657
But I can't wait
to never speak of this,
154
00:10:02,701 --> 00:10:04,746
as soon as possible.
155
00:10:04,790 --> 00:10:07,271
- We're here.
- (BRAKES SCREECHING)
156
00:10:12,101 --> 00:10:14,016
(GROANS)
157
00:10:14,060 --> 00:10:16,062
Dopinder, it's me again.
158
00:10:16,105 --> 00:10:17,803
Look, a saner man
might discourage you
159
00:10:17,846 --> 00:10:19,718
from joining
the deadly merc business...
160
00:10:19,761 --> 00:10:21,241
what, with your concave chest
161
00:10:21,285 --> 00:10:22,938
and your
paper towel tube arms.
162
00:10:22,982 --> 00:10:24,679
But you're an eagle...
163
00:10:24,723 --> 00:10:26,725
and goddamn it,
an eagle's gotta soar.
164
00:10:26,768 --> 00:10:28,161
You gotta grab those dreams,
165
00:10:28,204 --> 00:10:29,815
grab those dreams
by the dick tip...
166
00:10:29,858 --> 00:10:31,382
and make it rain!
167
00:10:31,425 --> 00:10:33,340
I don't know what that means.
168
00:10:33,384 --> 00:10:35,342
- Me neither.
- (BOTH LAUGHS)
169
00:10:35,951 --> 00:10:37,431
I'm gonna see you...
170
00:10:37,475 --> 00:10:38,693
(EXCLAIMS)
171
00:10:38,737 --> 00:10:40,086
at the office.
172
00:10:40,652 --> 00:10:41,783
In the sky.
173
00:10:41,827 --> 00:10:42,958
You're my Tom Cruise!
174
00:10:43,002 --> 00:10:44,612
DEADPOOL:
And you're my Kristen Dunst!
175
00:10:44,656 --> 00:10:46,135
Kristen? Kirsten?
176
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:52,794
Sorry I'm late.
177
00:10:52,838 --> 00:10:54,405
There was a bunch of
178
00:10:54,448 --> 00:10:56,537
handicapable children
stuck in a tree...
179
00:10:56,581 --> 00:10:58,104
- and I had to, uh...
- Uh-uh.
180
00:10:58,147 --> 00:11:00,889
You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.
181
00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:03,283
But then we discovered
his mom is named Martha, too.
182
00:11:03,327 --> 00:11:05,633
- No.
- You got me.
183
00:11:05,677 --> 00:11:07,461
I was rounding up
all the gluten in the world
184
00:11:07,505 --> 00:11:08,723
and launching it into space...
185
00:11:08,767 --> 00:11:10,899
where it can't not
hurt us ever again.
186
00:11:10,943 --> 00:11:12,118
Try again.
187
00:11:12,684 --> 00:11:14,250
Diarrhea?
188
00:11:14,294 --> 00:11:16,054
We can't be sure
until I get this suit off...
189
00:11:16,992 --> 00:11:18,951
but, uh,
all signs point to yes.
190
00:11:20,866 --> 00:11:21,867
Traffic?
191
00:11:22,476 --> 00:11:23,521
Hmm?
192
00:11:24,739 --> 00:11:26,393
Kiss me
like you miss me, Red.
193
00:11:26,437 --> 00:11:27,437
Well, come here.
194
00:11:29,396 --> 00:11:31,180
(♫ "TAKE ON ME" PLAYING ♫)
195
00:11:36,490 --> 00:11:39,101
(VANESSA MOANS)
196
00:11:39,145 --> 00:11:41,582
I'm gonna shower
and get out of this suit.
197
00:11:41,626 --> 00:11:42,801
Don't you want
your surprise?
198
00:11:42,844 --> 00:11:44,672
Do I look like
a patient burn victim?
199
00:11:45,456 --> 00:11:46,718
I got one for you, too.
200
00:11:47,849 --> 00:11:49,373
Happy anniversary, baby.
201
00:11:49,416 --> 00:11:50,983
Open, open, open.
202
00:11:52,985 --> 00:11:54,726
Skee-Ball token.
203
00:11:54,769 --> 00:11:56,162
Our first date.
204
00:11:56,205 --> 00:11:57,772
Yup.
205
00:11:57,816 --> 00:12:00,471
That's genuine,
high-grade lead.
206
00:12:03,387 --> 00:12:05,693
- I'll keep it forever.
- (CHUCKLES)
207
00:12:05,737 --> 00:12:07,173
Thank you, baby.
208
00:12:08,783 --> 00:12:10,481
- Open yours.
- All right, all right.
209
00:12:11,395 --> 00:12:12,700
Oh...
210
00:12:14,093 --> 00:12:15,984
That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've...
211
00:12:16,008 --> 00:12:17,401
I don't know
what this is.
212
00:12:17,444 --> 00:12:19,272
My IUD.
213
00:12:19,315 --> 00:12:20,491
A bomb?
214
00:12:20,534 --> 00:12:23,624
No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.
215
00:12:23,668 --> 00:12:24,756
What, you mean that your...
216
00:12:24,799 --> 00:12:26,540
Baby factory's open
for business.
217
00:12:26,584 --> 00:12:27,889
- Oh, my God!
- (BOX CLATTERS)
218
00:12:27,933 --> 00:12:31,197
- (VANESSA LAUGHS)
- Oh, my God! I want a boy!
219
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,330
Or a little girl!
Definitely one or the other!
220
00:12:34,374 --> 00:12:37,159
Oh! And I want our kid
to have only one name.
221
00:12:37,725 --> 00:12:40,989
Like Cher or Todd.
222
00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:42,817
You gotta pump a baby
in me first, cowboy.
223
00:12:42,861 --> 00:12:44,210
Yes, I do.
224
00:12:44,253 --> 00:12:45,753
Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.
225
00:12:45,777 --> 00:12:46,778
Let's do that.
226
00:12:47,996 --> 00:12:50,129
♫ Papa... ♫
227
00:12:50,172 --> 00:12:52,348
♫ Can you hear me? ♫
228
00:12:53,785 --> 00:12:56,440
♫ Papa, can you see me? ♫
229
00:12:56,483 --> 00:12:58,703
Does this song
sound familiar to you?
230
00:13:01,009 --> 00:13:03,185
May.
231
00:13:03,229 --> 00:13:06,928
Connor, if it's a boy.
May, if it's a girl.
232
00:13:08,147 --> 00:13:09,540
(CHUCKLES)
233
00:13:09,583 --> 00:13:12,020
- So weird.
- (LAUGHS)
234
00:13:12,064 --> 00:13:14,458
Family was always
an F-word to me.
235
00:13:15,981 --> 00:13:20,333
My pile of shit father
took off and bailed.
236
00:13:20,376 --> 00:13:22,596
I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models
237
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,380
to draw off of for Todd.
238
00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:28,167
Hey. Look at me.
239
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,475
You are not your father.
240
00:13:33,215 --> 00:13:34,652
Besides...
241
00:13:34,695 --> 00:13:39,439
I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
242
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:41,485
But here's the thing,
243
00:13:41,528 --> 00:13:43,356
isn't that how
it always works?
244
00:13:43,399 --> 00:13:44,923
Like in Star Wars,
245
00:13:44,966 --> 00:13:47,665
men are destined
to become their father...
246
00:13:47,708 --> 00:13:50,798
and then have consensual sex
with their sister?
247
00:13:50,842 --> 00:13:54,149
I think you missed
big, big chunks of that movie.
248
00:13:54,193 --> 00:13:56,456
No, I'm pretty sure
Luke nailed her.
249
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,545
Baby, that's Empire.
250
00:13:58,589 --> 00:14:01,200
The point is, kids...
251
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,334
they give us a chance
to be better than we are.
252
00:14:06,161 --> 00:14:08,816
Better than we used to be.
253
00:14:08,860 --> 00:14:11,384
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
254
00:14:12,428 --> 00:14:14,082
I'm gonna go make dessert.
255
00:14:14,126 --> 00:14:18,565
You get the strap-on.
Let's make a super baby.
256
00:14:18,609 --> 00:14:22,003
Pretty sure it doesn't work
that way, but we can try.
257
00:14:22,047 --> 00:14:25,572
VANESSA: What about Krystal?
But with a "K"?
258
00:14:25,616 --> 00:14:27,574
- (TIMER TICKING)
- It's too stripper-y.
259
00:14:27,618 --> 00:14:29,141
Kevin with a "K"!
260
00:14:29,184 --> 00:14:31,273
No, too stripper-y, too.
261
00:14:31,839 --> 00:14:33,754
Uh, Earl!
262
00:14:33,798 --> 00:14:36,148
(IN SLOW MOTION)
He's gonna go straight to jail
263
00:14:36,191 --> 00:14:38,411
if we name him Earl.
264
00:14:38,454 --> 00:14:40,326
What about Bruce?
265
00:14:41,327 --> 00:14:42,763
No.
266
00:14:42,807 --> 00:14:43,851
Get down.
267
00:14:43,895 --> 00:14:45,287
- What?
- (GUN FIRES)
268
00:14:47,942 --> 00:14:49,640
(ALL GRUNTING)
269
00:14:54,819 --> 00:14:57,082
(GUN FIRING)
270
00:15:14,186 --> 00:15:16,275
Baby? Baby?
271
00:15:16,318 --> 00:15:18,320
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
272
00:15:19,539 --> 00:15:21,236
I'm okay.
273
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,935
Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.
274
00:15:23,978 --> 00:15:25,545
- (BOTH PANTING)
- (GASPS)
275
00:15:44,564 --> 00:15:46,435
(INAUDIBLE)
276
00:15:58,534 --> 00:15:59,797
(MOUTHING) Please.
277
00:16:04,889 --> 00:16:06,717
Please. Please.
278
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,937
Baby, I'm so sorry.
279
00:16:09,981 --> 00:16:13,767
No!
280
00:16:20,382 --> 00:16:21,427
(DINGS)
281
00:16:33,439 --> 00:16:34,875
(PANTING)
282
00:16:39,575 --> 00:16:42,013
- (HORN BLARING)
- (GRUNTS)
283
00:16:45,799 --> 00:16:47,583
(TYRES SCREECHING)
284
00:16:57,463 --> 00:16:58,464
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
285
00:17:00,684 --> 00:17:02,729
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
286
00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:03,861
(ENGINE STALLING)
287
00:17:06,472 --> 00:17:08,082
(YELLS)
288
00:17:25,752 --> 00:17:27,711
(♫ MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING ♫)
289
00:17:33,542 --> 00:17:35,370
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
290
00:17:38,330 --> 00:17:39,810
(HORN BLARES)
291
00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:45,772
(♫ CELINE DION SINGING ♫)
292
00:19:18,299 --> 00:19:20,998
♫ Papa, can you hear me? ♫
293
00:19:21,955 --> 00:19:23,739
Is it just me, or does
294
00:19:23,783 --> 00:19:25,369
Do You Want to Build
a Snowman? from Frozen...
295
00:19:25,393 --> 00:19:26,699
sound suspiciously like
296
00:19:26,742 --> 00:19:28,701
Papa, Can You Hear Me?
from Yentl?
297
00:19:28,744 --> 00:19:30,007
(SNIFFLES)
298
00:19:30,050 --> 00:19:32,183
♫ Papa, can you hear me? ♫
299
00:19:33,967 --> 00:19:36,578
And nobody
fucking realizes it.
300
00:19:36,622 --> 00:19:38,189
Wade, you gotta go home.
301
00:19:38,232 --> 00:19:40,974
You've been sitting here
for three days, okay?
302
00:19:41,018 --> 00:19:44,717
You smell like sauerkraut
left in the warm rain.
303
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,067
Like wet garbage
in hot urine.
304
00:19:47,111 --> 00:19:49,287
You smell like
a dog ate kitty litter...
305
00:19:49,330 --> 00:19:51,376
and then farted his way
out of the living room.
306
00:19:51,419 --> 00:19:53,247
I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's
307
00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:55,119
couch cushions
after Shark Week.
308
00:19:55,162 --> 00:19:56,903
I love Frozen.
309
00:19:56,947 --> 00:20:00,515
I loved her. I loved her
like an ocean loves water.
310
00:20:00,559 --> 00:20:02,082
An ocean is water.
311
00:20:02,126 --> 00:20:06,870
More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?
312
00:20:06,913 --> 00:20:08,045
George Michael was right.
313
00:20:08,088 --> 00:20:09,916
I'm never gonna
dance again. Fuck!
314
00:20:10,525 --> 00:20:11,526
He's dead, too.
315
00:20:12,701 --> 00:20:14,051
At least we still have Bowie.
316
00:20:14,094 --> 00:20:15,835
Oh, Mr. Pool.
David Bowie is...
317
00:20:15,879 --> 00:20:17,141
Uh, uh, uh...
318
00:20:17,184 --> 00:20:18,359
still with us.
319
00:20:18,403 --> 00:20:21,275
We do.
We'll always have Bowie.
320
00:20:21,885 --> 00:20:22,929
I'm sorry.
321
00:20:22,973 --> 00:20:24,409
Shot after shot,
322
00:20:24,452 --> 00:20:26,300
it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're...
323
00:20:26,324 --> 00:20:27,954
Are you pissing?
Are you urinating right now?
324
00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:30,894
You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.
325
00:20:30,937 --> 00:20:32,504
- Is he pissing?
- I'm on it!
326
00:20:32,547 --> 00:20:34,027
There you go, Dopinder.
327
00:20:34,071 --> 00:20:36,116
If you want to be
a contract killer...
328
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,727
you gotta handle a mop
before you handle a gun.
329
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:39,835
Although I don't
quite understand
330
00:20:39,859 --> 00:20:41,426
how they are at all similar.
331
00:20:41,469 --> 00:20:43,578
'Cause I could shove either
one up your ass and kill you.
332
00:20:43,602 --> 00:20:44,733
Now, leave me.
333
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:45,778
I get it.
334
00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:47,911
Go home, Wade.
335
00:20:47,954 --> 00:20:50,304
I don't have a home,
Weas, you know. I got a...
336
00:20:51,740 --> 00:20:53,133
Okay, I'm fine.
337
00:20:53,177 --> 00:20:54,308
I'm fine.
338
00:20:54,352 --> 00:20:56,180
You know what "fine"
stands for, Wade?
339
00:20:56,223 --> 00:20:59,966
Fucked up, insecure,
needy, and emotional.
340
00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:01,228
According to the...
341
00:21:02,577 --> 00:21:04,014
- Kubler-Ross.
- Yeah.
342
00:21:04,057 --> 00:21:05,929
According to
the Kubler-Ross model...
343
00:21:05,972 --> 00:21:08,757
denial is just one of
the five stages of grief.
344
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:11,151
Jesus Christ, Buck!
345
00:21:11,195 --> 00:21:13,110
No more speaking lines
for you.
346
00:21:15,851 --> 00:21:17,723
(LAUGHING)
347
00:21:17,766 --> 00:21:20,421
(JACK BENNY SCATTING ON RADIO)
348
00:21:20,465 --> 00:21:21,727
(COMEDY SERIES PLAYING ON RADIO)
349
00:21:21,770 --> 00:21:24,121
THUG: (ON RADIO)Hey, bud. Bud.
350
00:21:24,164 --> 00:21:26,253
- JACK: Huh?
- THUG: Got a match?
351
00:21:26,297 --> 00:21:27,820
JACK: Match?
352
00:21:27,863 --> 00:21:29,343
Yes, I have one right here.
353
00:21:29,387 --> 00:21:30,755
THUG: Don't make a move.
This is a stick-up.
354
00:21:30,779 --> 00:21:32,520
- JACK: What?
- THUG: You heard me.
355
00:21:32,564 --> 00:21:34,609
JACK: Mister, Mister,
put down that gun.
356
00:21:34,653 --> 00:21:37,264
THUG: Shut up. Now, come on.
Your money or your life?
357
00:21:37,308 --> 00:21:39,614
- (SNIFFS)
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON RADIO)
358
00:21:45,446 --> 00:21:49,189
THUG: Look, bud. I said,
"Your money or your life."
359
00:21:49,233 --> 00:21:50,538
DEADPOOL & THUG:
I'm thinking it over!
360
00:21:50,582 --> 00:21:51,975
Motherfuck!
361
00:21:52,018 --> 00:21:53,063
Fuck!
362
00:21:54,064 --> 00:21:55,195
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
363
00:21:56,066 --> 00:21:57,545
The hell you doin' here?
364
00:21:57,589 --> 00:21:59,678
Don't you know how to knock?
365
00:21:59,721 --> 00:22:01,636
I thought you saw me...
366
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,203
with your ears.
367
00:22:03,247 --> 00:22:04,311
You're lucky I didn't
shoot you in the...
368
00:22:04,335 --> 00:22:05,379
The wall?
369
00:22:05,423 --> 00:22:08,817
The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.
370
00:22:11,603 --> 00:22:13,213
BLIND AL:
I heard the news, sweetie.
371
00:22:13,257 --> 00:22:15,346
I'm very sorry. I am.
372
00:22:15,389 --> 00:22:17,304
What am I gonna do, Al?
373
00:22:17,348 --> 00:22:19,045
Probably something terrible.
374
00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:21,613
Knowing you.
375
00:22:21,656 --> 00:22:23,180
It was my fault.
376
00:22:24,398 --> 00:22:27,097
I fucking did this.
377
00:22:27,140 --> 00:22:29,012
And all I wanna do
is grab her and see her
378
00:22:29,055 --> 00:22:31,014
and tell her that I'm sorry,
and I can't.
379
00:22:33,016 --> 00:22:34,669
She's gone.
380
00:22:34,713 --> 00:22:38,499
BLIND AL:
Sweetheart, can you speak up?
381
00:22:38,543 --> 00:22:39,805
It's a little hard
to hear you
382
00:22:39,848 --> 00:22:41,546
with that pity dick
in your mouth.
383
00:22:41,589 --> 00:22:44,636
Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.
384
00:22:44,679 --> 00:22:45,985
Thank you...
385
00:22:46,029 --> 00:22:49,032
Matthew McConaughey,
your words are a treasure.
386
00:22:49,075 --> 00:22:51,121
Listen to the pain.
387
00:22:51,164 --> 00:22:53,949
It's both history teacher
and fortune teller.
388
00:22:53,993 --> 00:22:57,605
Pain teaches us
who we are, Wade.
389
00:22:57,649 --> 00:23:01,522
Sometimes, it's so bad,
we feel like we're dying.
390
00:23:01,566 --> 00:23:04,264
But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?
391
00:23:06,788 --> 00:23:08,007
Wade?
392
00:23:10,444 --> 00:23:12,620
- Wade?
- I'm right here, Althea.
393
00:23:12,664 --> 00:23:15,275
And that is
the most beautiful thing
394
00:23:15,319 --> 00:23:16,537
I've ever heard.
395
00:23:17,277 --> 00:23:18,844
And you're absolutely right.
396
00:23:21,586 --> 00:23:22,674
(COUGHS)
397
00:23:22,717 --> 00:23:25,068
I'm about to do
something terrible.
398
00:23:26,808 --> 00:23:28,245
- (♫ BLUES ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ♫)
- (POLAR BEAR GROWLS)
399
00:23:31,117 --> 00:23:32,379
DEADPOOL:
Precious, aren't they?
400
00:23:33,206 --> 00:23:34,642
Whoa!
401
00:23:34,686 --> 00:23:36,122
Are you a superhero?
402
00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:37,863
Fucking A, sweetie.
403
00:23:37,906 --> 00:23:39,473
What's your name?
404
00:23:39,517 --> 00:23:41,301
Captain Delicious Pants.
405
00:23:41,345 --> 00:23:43,521
Who's Captain Delicious Pants?
406
00:23:45,305 --> 00:23:47,351
- (KIDS SCREAMING)
- (POLAR BEAR GROWLING)
407
00:24:08,894 --> 00:24:10,896
I can't believe
he's still alive.
408
00:24:10,939 --> 00:24:13,420
I can't believe you left
the house in that shirt.
409
00:24:14,900 --> 00:24:16,858
There's gotta be
some way to die.
410
00:24:16,902 --> 00:24:18,947
I just need to die harder.
411
00:24:18,991 --> 00:24:20,210
Trademark Fox.
412
00:24:20,253 --> 00:24:21,254
Y'all caught up now?
413
00:24:30,524 --> 00:24:33,136
(OVERLAPPING VOICES)
414
00:24:34,528 --> 00:24:36,182
VANESSA: Open for business.
415
00:24:36,226 --> 00:24:38,489
(OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE)
416
00:24:40,055 --> 00:24:42,188
WADE: Your crazy
matches my crazy.
417
00:24:42,232 --> 00:24:44,384
VANESSA: I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
418
00:24:44,408 --> 00:24:45,670
WADE: Skee-Ball token.
419
00:24:45,713 --> 00:24:46,993
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
420
00:24:47,237 --> 00:24:48,934
(VOICES ECHOING)
421
00:24:52,894 --> 00:24:54,176
WADE: About why
we're so good together.
422
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,395
VANESSA:I love you, Wade Wilson.
423
00:24:55,419 --> 00:24:56,898
(GASPS)
424
00:24:58,030 --> 00:24:59,423
WADE: Ness?
425
00:25:00,902 --> 00:25:02,034
Ness?
426
00:25:02,861 --> 00:25:04,428
Ness.
427
00:25:04,471 --> 00:25:07,170
Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.
428
00:25:08,867 --> 00:25:11,391
Your heart's not
in the right place.
429
00:25:11,435 --> 00:25:14,089
(STAMMERS)
Wait, hold on. What?
430
00:25:14,133 --> 00:25:16,222
Your heart's not
in the right place.
431
00:25:16,266 --> 00:25:17,658
Wait. What do you mean
432
00:25:17,702 --> 00:25:18,766
my heart's not in the right place?
What does it...
433
00:25:18,790 --> 00:25:20,226
(TIMER TICKING)
434
00:25:22,272 --> 00:25:23,272
(TIMER DINGS)
435
00:25:38,897 --> 00:25:41,421
I'm terribly sorry
for your loss, Wade.
436
00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:43,031
You're broken.
437
00:25:43,075 --> 00:25:46,034
DEADPOOL:
Oh, God. I know that voice.
438
00:26:07,099 --> 00:26:08,535
HEADMASTER: Well, Russell.
439
00:26:08,579 --> 00:26:11,234
I hear you're handy
at picking locks.
440
00:26:12,626 --> 00:26:14,846
There will be no need
for that here.
441
00:26:14,889 --> 00:26:18,197
There's no locks on our doors,
no bars on our windows.
442
00:26:19,546 --> 00:26:21,592
I know what you're thinking.
443
00:26:21,635 --> 00:26:24,290
Why don't the kids just run?
444
00:26:24,334 --> 00:26:27,293
Who would choose to stay
in such a place?
445
00:26:27,337 --> 00:26:29,817
You stay because...
446
00:26:29,861 --> 00:26:34,605
deep down inside, you know
you're unfit to leave.
447
00:26:38,391 --> 00:26:40,001
But don't worry.
448
00:26:41,176 --> 00:26:42,830
We can fix that.
449
00:26:47,661 --> 00:26:51,404
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
450
00:27:13,383 --> 00:27:15,080
DEADPOOL:
"Heart's in the right place."
451
00:27:15,123 --> 00:27:16,579
"Heart's in the right..."
What does that mean?
452
00:27:16,603 --> 00:27:18,518
COLOSSUS:
Take your mask off, Wade.
453
00:27:18,562 --> 00:27:20,259
I wish you'd said "pants".
454
00:27:20,303 --> 00:27:21,521
Let's play a game.
455
00:27:21,565 --> 00:27:24,089
It's called
"Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?".
456
00:27:24,132 --> 00:27:26,483
Now, close your eyes
and open your mouth.
457
00:27:26,526 --> 00:27:28,354
COLOSSUS: You don't need
to be funny here.
458
00:27:28,963 --> 00:27:30,225
We must talk.
459
00:27:30,269 --> 00:27:32,750
- You need fresh start.
- (GROANS)
460
00:27:32,793 --> 00:27:34,360
Such a glare.
461
00:27:34,404 --> 00:27:36,667
It's like I'm on stage
at the Gaiety.
462
00:27:36,710 --> 00:27:39,322
With training,
you can be X-Man.
463
00:27:39,365 --> 00:27:41,454
You're wasting your time,
Shiny Jesus.
464
00:27:41,498 --> 00:27:42,803
I'm not X-Man material.
465
00:27:42,847 --> 00:27:44,414
Understatement of the year.
466
00:27:44,892 --> 00:27:45,893
Wade, Yukio.
467
00:27:46,372 --> 00:27:48,287
Yukio, Wade.
468
00:27:48,331 --> 00:27:50,420
What in the fuck knuckles
is this?
469
00:27:50,463 --> 00:27:53,118
She's my girlfriend,
you intolerant shit.
470
00:27:53,161 --> 00:27:54,989
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes,
Fox & Friends.
471
00:27:55,033 --> 00:27:56,904
I'm just surprised
anyone would date you.
472
00:27:56,948 --> 00:27:59,559
Especially Pinkie Pie from
My Little Pony.
473
00:27:59,603 --> 00:28:01,431
I like this guy.
474
00:28:01,474 --> 00:28:03,563
Give him a chance.
475
00:28:03,607 --> 00:28:04,714
It's great seeing you
like this.
476
00:28:04,738 --> 00:28:06,914
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Yeah.
477
00:28:07,393 --> 00:28:08,699
Bye, Wade!
478
00:28:08,742 --> 00:28:11,223
Now, some ground rules
while under our roof.
479
00:28:11,266 --> 00:28:14,052
"Rule number one:
No killing...
480
00:28:14,095 --> 00:28:17,534
"anyone ever,
no matter how bad.
481
00:28:17,577 --> 00:28:20,232
"Rule two: Label everything
in refrigerator."
482
00:28:20,275 --> 00:28:21,276
Wade?
483
00:28:22,147 --> 00:28:23,409
Wade?
484
00:28:23,453 --> 00:28:25,280
- Don't try to chase me.
- Wade!
485
00:28:25,324 --> 00:28:27,413
I'm not ready
to be touched again.
486
00:28:27,457 --> 00:28:29,676
All these old guys
on the wall.
487
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,809
Who lives here,
Calista Flockhart?
488
00:28:32,723 --> 00:28:34,072
(OBJECTS SHATTERING)
489
00:28:34,115 --> 00:28:37,031
Those were already damaged
after they fell there!
490
00:28:37,075 --> 00:28:38,946
What am I supposed
to do around here, anyway?
491
00:28:38,990 --> 00:28:41,253
Sit in a share circle,
talk about my feelings?
492
00:28:41,296 --> 00:28:44,169
And how would I
do that exactly?
493
00:28:44,212 --> 00:28:46,650
'Cause where the fuck
is everyone?
494
00:28:46,693 --> 00:28:47,912
It's always just you
495
00:28:47,955 --> 00:28:49,280
and Negasonic Teenage
Longest Name Ever...
496
00:28:49,304 --> 00:28:50,523
Enough!
497
00:28:50,567 --> 00:28:52,395
(GASPS) I said no touching!
498
00:28:54,179 --> 00:28:57,443
What the fuck?
499
00:28:57,487 --> 00:28:59,663
You'd think the studio
would throw us a bone.
500
00:28:59,706 --> 00:29:02,535
One that doesn't end up
in my mouth.
501
00:29:02,579 --> 00:29:03,773
The first movie
made more money
502
00:29:03,797 --> 00:29:06,147
than the guy
who invented pants.
503
00:29:06,191 --> 00:29:08,367
They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?
504
00:29:08,411 --> 00:29:10,500
How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?
505
00:29:10,543 --> 00:29:11,849
What do those do anyway, huh?
506
00:29:11,892 --> 00:29:13,372
Carry him
three feet off the ground
507
00:29:13,416 --> 00:29:15,461
to snatch up
the nearest muffin crumb?
508
00:29:15,505 --> 00:29:17,681
- (DOORS CLOSE)
- No, no, no!
509
00:29:17,724 --> 00:29:20,466
I am not X-Man material
at all.
510
00:29:20,510 --> 00:29:23,164
First off...
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
511
00:29:23,208 --> 00:29:25,253
I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more... (GROANS)
512
00:29:25,950 --> 00:29:27,430
(GRUNTS)
513
00:29:27,473 --> 00:29:28,518
I should have left you
514
00:29:28,561 --> 00:29:30,302
in the self-pitying mess
I found you in.
515
00:29:30,345 --> 00:29:33,436
But this is what friends do.
They show up!
516
00:29:33,479 --> 00:29:35,481
Not when convenient or easy.
517
00:29:35,525 --> 00:29:39,833
When hard,
and you always make it hard.
518
00:29:39,877 --> 00:29:42,357
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
- You are unwell.
519
00:29:42,401 --> 00:29:44,490
I'm sticking my neck out
bringing you here.
520
00:29:44,534 --> 00:29:46,449
(STRAINING)
Wait. One of the assholes
521
00:29:46,492 --> 00:29:47,972
who killed Vanessa got away.
522
00:29:48,712 --> 00:29:49,800
(GRUNTS)
523
00:29:50,540 --> 00:29:52,716
Oh, Jesus Christ!
524
00:29:52,759 --> 00:29:54,650
I thought you were gonna
kiss me for a second there.
525
00:29:54,674 --> 00:29:56,609
Please know I wouldn't be
able to stop you if you did.
526
00:29:56,633 --> 00:29:58,678
Wade, whoever they are...
527
00:29:58,722 --> 00:30:01,072
we track them down
and bring them to justice.
528
00:30:01,638 --> 00:30:03,074
It was me.
529
00:30:05,903 --> 00:30:08,558
I'm the asshole who got away.
530
00:30:08,601 --> 00:30:11,735
I killed every last one
of them, except me.
531
00:30:11,778 --> 00:30:13,476
Couldn't kill me.
532
00:30:16,609 --> 00:30:18,611
We were gonna start a family.
533
00:30:20,439 --> 00:30:22,397
We were, uh... (SNIFFLES)
534
00:30:22,441 --> 00:30:23,573
(CLEARS THROAT)
535
00:30:23,616 --> 00:30:25,357
We were gonna be a family.
536
00:30:26,140 --> 00:30:27,272
COLOSSUS: Wade...
537
00:30:27,315 --> 00:30:30,101
Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.
538
00:30:31,668 --> 00:30:34,018
This may not be
family you want...
539
00:30:34,061 --> 00:30:36,499
but it's family you need.
540
00:30:36,542 --> 00:30:37,804
You have a good heart.
541
00:30:37,848 --> 00:30:39,414
It belongs here
where it can grow.
542
00:30:41,199 --> 00:30:42,200
What did you say?
543
00:30:44,245 --> 00:30:45,551
About my heart?
544
00:30:49,512 --> 00:30:50,948
(EXHALES)
545
00:30:50,991 --> 00:30:52,993
I think
I'm in the right place.
546
00:31:03,003 --> 00:31:04,570
(GRUNTS)
547
00:31:50,398 --> 00:31:51,704
(INAUDIBLE)
548
00:31:56,274 --> 00:31:57,797
(SCREAMING)
549
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:03,629
MAN: I'mma tell you
what the big lie is.
550
00:32:03,673 --> 00:32:05,283
- (♫ "ESCAPE" PLAYING ON RADIO ♫)
- Toilet paper.
551
00:32:05,326 --> 00:32:06,719
What's so bad
about toilet paper?
552
00:32:06,763 --> 00:32:07,981
Gets the job done.
553
00:32:08,025 --> 00:32:10,897
Does it really
get the job done?
554
00:32:10,941 --> 00:32:13,160
All right. Say you wake up
tomorrow morning...
555
00:32:13,204 --> 00:32:17,904
and, hypothetically, find some
fresh shit on your face.
556
00:32:17,948 --> 00:32:19,665
Your cheek, maybe
a little bit in the beard.
557
00:32:19,689 --> 00:32:21,405
What the hell?
I'm about to be fucking sick!
558
00:32:21,429 --> 00:32:22,517
What do you do?
559
00:32:22,561 --> 00:32:23,867
Do you go to a bathroom
560
00:32:23,910 --> 00:32:25,608
and tear off
a piece of dry tissue...
561
00:32:25,651 --> 00:32:27,522
and rub it around
on your beard a little bit
562
00:32:27,566 --> 00:32:29,133
and then go on,
get on with your day?
563
00:32:29,176 --> 00:32:30,787
Go to church,
maybe dinner and a movie,
564
00:32:30,830 --> 00:32:31,962
like nothing happened?
565
00:32:32,005 --> 00:32:33,398
Where is this
coming from, man?
566
00:32:33,441 --> 00:32:34,660
But something did happen.
567
00:32:34,704 --> 00:32:36,183
Your face smells like shit.
Right?
568
00:32:36,227 --> 00:32:37,794
So what you would do,
569
00:32:37,837 --> 00:32:40,100
is you would get some soap,
you'd get some hot water...
570
00:32:40,144 --> 00:32:42,494
and you would scrub
the fucking shit
571
00:32:42,537 --> 00:32:44,539
out of your beard
for 10 straight minutes.
572
00:32:44,583 --> 00:32:46,280
You could not scrub it enough.
573
00:32:46,324 --> 00:32:47,978
Are you trying
to make me feel disgusting?
574
00:32:48,021 --> 00:32:49,240
I'm starting to feel...
575
00:32:49,283 --> 00:32:51,982
Toilet paper is
a pretty fine appetizer.
576
00:32:52,025 --> 00:32:54,332
But, then...
577
00:32:54,375 --> 00:32:56,682
Huggies Natural Care
wet wipes.
578
00:32:56,726 --> 00:32:58,118
That's your main course.
579
00:32:58,162 --> 00:33:02,079
They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.
580
00:33:02,122 --> 00:33:04,908
Finally, one more pass
with toilet paper,
581
00:33:04,951 --> 00:33:06,866
maybe clear out
that excess moisture.
582
00:33:06,910 --> 00:33:08,563
Maybe treat yourself
to a blow and go,
583
00:33:08,607 --> 00:33:09,913
if you can get you
a hair dryer.
584
00:33:09,956 --> 00:33:12,306
Just about 30 seconds
would do you good.
585
00:33:16,006 --> 00:33:17,007
The fuck?
586
00:33:18,269 --> 00:33:19,313
Year.
587
00:33:20,314 --> 00:33:21,315
What?
588
00:33:22,534 --> 00:33:24,188
What year is it?
589
00:33:24,231 --> 00:33:26,669
What kind of dumbass question
is that to ask?
590
00:33:33,023 --> 00:33:35,982
(♫ "ESCAPE" CONTINUES
PLAYING ON RADIO ♫)
591
00:33:40,726 --> 00:33:42,380
(ALARM RINGING)
592
00:33:43,773 --> 00:33:45,905
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
593
00:33:57,438 --> 00:34:00,224
INSTRUCTOR: We have 8 weeks of
boot camp ahead of us, men.
594
00:34:00,267 --> 00:34:01,616
That'll get us
toned and prepared
595
00:34:01,660 --> 00:34:03,227
for all manner of combat.
596
00:34:05,316 --> 00:34:09,537
Not working out at all.
597
00:34:09,581 --> 00:34:11,235
Masking tape.
598
00:34:11,278 --> 00:34:13,628
It is no friend
to chilled aluminum.
599
00:34:14,717 --> 00:34:16,719
Velcro.
Color-coded, efficient,
600
00:34:16,762 --> 00:34:17,807
environmentally friendly.
601
00:34:18,590 --> 00:34:20,157
Who is he talking to?
602
00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:21,874
And why is he dressed like
a registered sex offender?
603
00:34:21,898 --> 00:34:23,900
Can we focus
for a moment, ladies?
604
00:34:23,943 --> 00:34:26,250
Please, we need to talk about
next month's meal plan.
605
00:34:26,293 --> 00:34:28,078
Obviously,
everyone hated the ceviche.
606
00:34:28,121 --> 00:34:29,470
I read the suggestion box.
607
00:34:29,514 --> 00:34:31,124
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
608
00:34:31,168 --> 00:34:33,170
I see through this weak act.
609
00:34:33,213 --> 00:34:37,565
You may have fooled Colossus
with this nice guy shit...
610
00:34:37,609 --> 00:34:38,784
but not me.
611
00:34:38,828 --> 00:34:39,916
Don't be mean.
612
00:34:39,959 --> 00:34:41,308
Back off, NTW.
613
00:34:41,352 --> 00:34:43,571
No, no, no. Let her go.
614
00:34:43,615 --> 00:34:44,790
Let her go, it's okay.
615
00:34:44,834 --> 00:34:46,400
She has a right
to be skeptical.
616
00:34:46,444 --> 00:34:49,055
Look at me.
I'm an easy target.
617
00:34:50,230 --> 00:34:51,623
You know, historically,
618
00:34:51,666 --> 00:34:53,581
mischief has been
my mistress...
619
00:34:53,625 --> 00:34:56,280
so I understand, you know.
But I like to think...
620
00:34:57,890 --> 00:35:01,198
that you guys have
really rubbed off on me.
621
00:35:01,241 --> 00:35:03,321
I like to think that I've
rubbed off around you, too.
622
00:35:05,289 --> 00:35:07,247
A lot.
623
00:35:07,291 --> 00:35:09,946
And for the first time
in a long while...
624
00:35:09,989 --> 00:35:11,164
I like me.
625
00:35:13,384 --> 00:35:15,908
- I accept your apology.
- I never apologized.
626
00:35:15,952 --> 00:35:17,518
I was talking to your heart.
627
00:35:17,562 --> 00:35:19,956
See? You're not
lost cause you thought.
628
00:35:19,999 --> 00:35:23,220
I'm proud. You're everything
I knew you can be.
629
00:35:23,263 --> 00:35:25,265
Thank you, Colossus.
630
00:35:25,309 --> 00:35:26,919
Just trying to be
the world's best X-Man.
631
00:35:26,963 --> 00:35:28,399
Sorry, X-Person.
632
00:35:29,966 --> 00:35:32,664
Hmm. Something wrong
with the soap.
633
00:35:32,707 --> 00:35:34,318
It's fine.
634
00:35:34,361 --> 00:35:36,581
I just filled it. Give it
a few more pumps there.
635
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:40,280
Now, if you'll excuse me...
636
00:35:40,324 --> 00:35:42,108
it's dust bunny season...
637
00:35:42,152 --> 00:35:43,153
and I'm hunting wabbits.
638
00:35:43,893 --> 00:35:44,981
Bye, Wade!
639
00:35:47,157 --> 00:35:49,724
- (MOUTHING) Fuck.
- (MOUTHING) Fuck you.
640
00:35:55,861 --> 00:35:57,341
(BELL CONTINUES RINGING)
641
00:35:59,343 --> 00:36:01,345
(BELL STOPS RINGING)
642
00:36:01,388 --> 00:36:03,956
HEADMASTER:
No one is born perfect.
643
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,002
But you can be.
644
00:36:06,045 --> 00:36:08,395
I know you're doing
what comes naturally.
645
00:36:12,704 --> 00:36:14,532
You can't help yourself.
646
00:36:18,405 --> 00:36:20,494
But you can.
647
00:36:20,538 --> 00:36:23,628
It takes work, discipline...
648
00:36:23,671 --> 00:36:24,890
and treatment.
649
00:36:24,934 --> 00:36:26,631
Your abilities...
650
00:36:28,589 --> 00:36:31,375
I know how seductive they are.
651
00:36:31,418 --> 00:36:34,552
How powerful
they make you feel.
652
00:36:34,595 --> 00:36:37,120
But you must learn
never to use them...
653
00:36:37,163 --> 00:36:39,774
so they will never use you.
654
00:36:43,387 --> 00:36:44,605
(CRYING)
655
00:36:45,998 --> 00:36:47,608
Please don't cry.
656
00:36:48,435 --> 00:36:50,046
I'm going to help.
657
00:36:50,089 --> 00:36:53,266
I'm gonna make you feel
what you should feel.
658
00:36:53,310 --> 00:36:55,834
How you need to feel...
659
00:36:55,878 --> 00:36:59,229
every time you're tempted
to act upon your urges.
660
00:36:59,272 --> 00:37:03,189
Suck my mutant dick,
you four-eyed fuck.
661
00:37:05,757 --> 00:37:07,715
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (GRUNTING)
662
00:37:13,156 --> 00:37:14,157
(SCREAMS)
663
00:37:17,595 --> 00:37:18,813
COLOSSUS: Wade.
664
00:37:19,814 --> 00:37:21,381
Wade!
665
00:37:21,425 --> 00:37:23,514
Come in!
Hey, I was just doing
666
00:37:23,557 --> 00:37:25,472
a little bit
of light reading here...
667
00:37:25,516 --> 00:37:26,952
We have mission.
668
00:37:26,996 --> 00:37:28,519
Well, you guys be
safe out there.
669
00:37:28,562 --> 00:37:29,824
I'll be praying for you.
670
00:37:29,868 --> 00:37:32,262
No, I want you to join.
671
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:34,655
I'm sorry, what?
672
00:37:34,699 --> 00:37:36,309
You heard me.
673
00:37:36,353 --> 00:37:38,746
Trust me,
that's a terrible idea.
674
00:37:38,790 --> 00:37:39,878
I'm really not ready.
675
00:37:39,922 --> 00:37:41,619
- You are ready.
- I'm not.
676
00:37:41,662 --> 00:37:43,534
Be at the X-Jet in five.
677
00:37:43,577 --> 00:37:44,752
I can do thirty.
678
00:37:44,796 --> 00:37:46,754
- Now.
- I can do now.
679
00:37:46,798 --> 00:37:48,017
Final offer.
680
00:37:48,060 --> 00:37:50,628
REPORTER:Irene Merryweather, WHIT News.
681
00:37:50,671 --> 00:37:52,673
Live here
at a breaking news situation
682
00:37:52,717 --> 00:37:55,372
at the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation.
683
00:37:55,415 --> 00:37:57,374
A mutant boy
is appearing to have
684
00:37:57,417 --> 00:37:58,897
some sort of an incident...
685
00:37:58,941 --> 00:38:00,440
- with police here behind me.
- RUSSELL: Get away from me!
686
00:38:00,464 --> 00:38:02,901
There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.
687
00:38:02,945 --> 00:38:04,400
- There are open fires.
- Fuck off! Stay back!
688
00:38:04,424 --> 00:38:05,488
REPORTER:
A scene of absolute chaos here.
689
00:38:05,512 --> 00:38:06,644
OFFICER: Calm down.
690
00:38:06,687 --> 00:38:09,299
RUSSELL: I'll burn you!
You stay back!
691
00:38:10,039 --> 00:38:11,823
Get away from me!
692
00:38:11,866 --> 00:38:14,347
You wanna fucking die?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
693
00:38:29,362 --> 00:38:32,583
And it appears as if the X-Men
are arriving...
694
00:38:32,626 --> 00:38:34,150
DEADPOOL: Scatter!
695
00:38:34,193 --> 00:38:36,195
REPORTER: ...with what appears
to be a trainee.
696
00:38:36,239 --> 00:38:39,242
DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down!
The pros are here. I...
697
00:38:39,285 --> 00:38:40,460
We're the X-Men!
698
00:38:40,504 --> 00:38:43,028
A dated metaphor for racism
in the '60s.
699
00:38:43,072 --> 00:38:45,596
So, respect.
700
00:38:45,639 --> 00:38:46,901
At ease, Officer.
701
00:38:48,468 --> 00:38:49,992
What are you doing?
702
00:38:50,470 --> 00:38:51,776
My job!
703
00:38:51,819 --> 00:38:53,219
You're the one who said
I was ready,
704
00:38:53,256 --> 00:38:54,779
and I frankly disagreed
with you.
705
00:38:54,822 --> 00:38:57,216
But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.
706
00:38:57,260 --> 00:38:59,697
Like Beyonce says, "Please...
707
00:39:00,524 --> 00:39:01,916
"Please, stop cheating on me."
708
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:03,048
OFFICER: Hey!
709
00:39:03,092 --> 00:39:04,484
This is the fifth incident.
710
00:39:04,528 --> 00:39:06,747
This kid needs to be
in the Ice Box, not here.
711
00:39:06,791 --> 00:39:08,445
Russell belongs in our care.
712
00:39:08,488 --> 00:39:10,273
Not in prison.
I assure you...
713
00:39:10,316 --> 00:39:11,467
we have everything
under control.
714
00:39:11,491 --> 00:39:12,599
RUSSELL: Stay back!
I'll burn you!
715
00:39:12,623 --> 00:39:13,841
Not getting a real
716
00:39:13,885 --> 00:39:15,974
"under control"
vibe here, Marty.
717
00:39:16,018 --> 00:39:18,063
- It is Glen, isn't it?
- Daniel.
718
00:39:18,107 --> 00:39:19,325
I'll ask the questions,
Miguel.
719
00:39:19,369 --> 00:39:20,718
Let me talk to the kid.
720
00:39:20,761 --> 00:39:25,592
You stay here with your weird,
secret sex lips.
721
00:39:27,333 --> 00:39:28,378
RUSSELL: You wanna die?
722
00:39:28,421 --> 00:39:29,616
DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable.
723
00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:30,660
I don't know why I packed
the hollow points.
724
00:39:30,684 --> 00:39:31,859
I'll burn your balls off!
725
00:39:31,903 --> 00:39:35,254
First day. (CHUCKLING)
I'm so nervous!
726
00:39:35,298 --> 00:39:36,864
Did you just say
"hollow points"?
727
00:39:36,908 --> 00:39:38,257
Yeah, probably should've
728
00:39:38,301 --> 00:39:40,346
brought a Super Soaker.
(LAUGHS)
729
00:39:40,912 --> 00:39:41,913
Hi, there!
730
00:39:43,175 --> 00:39:45,699
Stay back
or Justin Bieber dies!
731
00:39:45,743 --> 00:39:49,225
(LAUGHS) Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.
732
00:39:50,617 --> 00:39:52,291
- (RUSSELL GRUNTS)
- Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
733
00:39:52,315 --> 00:39:55,448
Okay, let's not do
whatever that is.
734
00:39:55,492 --> 00:39:57,015
Okay? Let's just talk!
735
00:39:57,059 --> 00:39:58,669
It's Russell, right?
736
00:39:58,712 --> 00:40:00,975
- Firefist.
- Firefist.
737
00:40:01,019 --> 00:40:03,239
Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?
738
00:40:03,282 --> 00:40:05,082
Just the fist, or all the way
up to the elbow?
739
00:40:05,676 --> 00:40:06,938
(GRUNTS)
740
00:40:08,418 --> 00:40:09,723
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
741
00:40:09,767 --> 00:40:12,422
(CHUCKLES) Definitely all
the way up to the elbow.
742
00:40:12,465 --> 00:40:15,294
Come quietly,
or there will be trouble.
743
00:40:15,338 --> 00:40:18,123
- You stole that from Robocop!
- That's from Robocop!
744
00:40:18,167 --> 00:40:19,820
Just stand down!
745
00:40:19,864 --> 00:40:21,953
You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire...
746
00:40:21,996 --> 00:40:23,259
(LAUGHS)
747
00:40:23,302 --> 00:40:25,826
Oh, my God! I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!
748
00:40:25,870 --> 00:40:26,871
(GRUNTS)
749
00:40:27,828 --> 00:40:30,309
(ALL SCREAMING)
750
00:40:30,353 --> 00:40:34,357
Oh, shit!
That fucking does it!
751
00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:35,793
Put your hands
behind your knees
752
00:40:35,836 --> 00:40:37,316
and get down
on your head! Now!
753
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:39,623
Wade! What was first rule?
754
00:40:39,666 --> 00:40:41,625
Label everything
in the refrigerator!
755
00:40:41,668 --> 00:40:44,280
- Do not escalate!
- Rules are meant to be broken!
756
00:40:44,323 --> 00:40:45,759
COLOSSUS:
That's the exact opposite
757
00:40:45,803 --> 00:40:47,152
of what they're meant for!
758
00:40:48,197 --> 00:40:50,155
Fuck! Fine!
759
00:40:50,199 --> 00:40:51,809
I'll start from the beginning.
760
00:40:51,852 --> 00:40:54,203
My name is Deadpool,
and I'm an X-Man.
761
00:40:54,246 --> 00:40:56,205
- Trainee!
- Shut it!
762
00:40:57,162 --> 00:40:59,425
Look, I get it.
763
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:02,211
All right, you're scared.
764
00:41:02,776 --> 00:41:03,864
Alone.
765
00:41:03,908 --> 00:41:04,996
You got no family.
766
00:41:05,039 --> 00:41:06,104
I didn't have
a family, either.
767
00:41:06,128 --> 00:41:07,868
You live in this dump.
Guess what?
768
00:41:07,912 --> 00:41:09,609
I used to live in a shithole
just like it.
769
00:41:10,523 --> 00:41:11,872
But you know something?
770
00:41:11,916 --> 00:41:13,657
A wise woman
once said to me...
771
00:41:13,700 --> 00:41:15,180
"Speak up."
772
00:41:15,224 --> 00:41:18,052
"I can't hear you with that
pity dick in your mouth."
773
00:41:18,096 --> 00:41:19,706
Too much? I went too far.
774
00:41:19,750 --> 00:41:21,012
- (GRUNTS)
- (ALL EXCLAIMS)
775
00:41:27,671 --> 00:41:29,194
That was effervescent.
776
00:41:29,238 --> 00:41:31,501
(SIGHS) Stay in school, kid.
777
00:41:31,544 --> 00:41:33,372
Or don't. I didn't.
778
00:41:33,416 --> 00:41:35,026
- And I'm an X-Man.
- (THUDS)
779
00:41:35,069 --> 00:41:36,201
Trainee.
780
00:41:36,245 --> 00:41:37,594
Fuck it!
781
00:41:37,637 --> 00:41:39,378
Superhero landing coming up!
782
00:41:41,511 --> 00:41:42,947
(GRUNTS)
783
00:41:42,990 --> 00:41:44,644
Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!
784
00:41:44,688 --> 00:41:46,777
(GROANS)
That is so not practical.
785
00:41:46,820 --> 00:41:48,344
- (GRUNTS)
- (GASPS)
786
00:41:50,128 --> 00:41:51,303
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
787
00:41:56,874 --> 00:41:58,092
(GROANS)
788
00:42:02,445 --> 00:42:04,795
(CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
789
00:42:07,276 --> 00:42:09,408
I could get used
to this X-Man shit.
790
00:42:09,452 --> 00:42:10,603
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Trainee!
791
00:42:10,627 --> 00:42:11,845
DEADPOOL: Trainee!
792
00:42:11,889 --> 00:42:13,673
OFFICER: Get a power restraint
on him. Now!
793
00:42:13,717 --> 00:42:16,937
DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.
794
00:42:17,634 --> 00:42:18,765
(DEVICE WHIRRS)
795
00:42:18,809 --> 00:42:20,332
What's that do?
796
00:42:20,376 --> 00:42:21,899
Power-dampening collar.
797
00:42:21,942 --> 00:42:23,248
Shuts down
all mutant abilities.
798
00:42:23,292 --> 00:42:26,120
You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.
799
00:42:26,164 --> 00:42:29,167
Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.
800
00:42:29,211 --> 00:42:30,429
HEADMASTER: Thank you!
801
00:42:32,301 --> 00:42:34,520
That was absolutely thrilling.
802
00:42:34,564 --> 00:42:36,783
True heroism in action.
803
00:42:36,827 --> 00:42:38,481
We are in your debt.
804
00:42:39,308 --> 00:42:40,961
We can take it from here.
805
00:42:41,005 --> 00:42:43,225
Take me
to the Ice Box, please!
806
00:42:43,268 --> 00:42:44,443
Anywhere's better than here.
807
00:42:44,487 --> 00:42:45,749
DEADPOOL: Believe me, son,
808
00:42:45,792 --> 00:42:47,533
you do not wanna go
to the Ice Box.
809
00:42:47,577 --> 00:42:50,188
That place makes Hitler's anus
look like Waikiki.
810
00:42:50,232 --> 00:42:52,103
Let's get you inside,
young man.
811
00:42:52,146 --> 00:42:54,148
No, wait, wait. Wait.
812
00:42:54,192 --> 00:42:55,672
You guys stay there.
813
00:43:05,769 --> 00:43:07,379
Those guys hurt you?
814
00:43:08,815 --> 00:43:09,860
Who?
815
00:43:11,905 --> 00:43:14,604
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
816
00:43:16,083 --> 00:43:17,563
Both of 'em?
817
00:43:21,306 --> 00:43:23,003
Oh, fuck it.
818
00:43:23,047 --> 00:43:24,614
Four or five moments!
819
00:43:24,657 --> 00:43:25,702
I'm sorry?
820
00:43:25,745 --> 00:43:28,922
Four or five moments!
821
00:43:30,184 --> 00:43:32,926
That's all it takes
to be a hero.
822
00:43:33,971 --> 00:43:36,278
People think
you wake up a hero...
823
00:43:36,321 --> 00:43:38,454
brush your teeth a hero...
824
00:43:38,497 --> 00:43:41,413
ejaculate into
a soap dispenser a hero.
825
00:43:41,457 --> 00:43:42,806
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
826
00:43:42,849 --> 00:43:46,549
But, no, being a hero
takes only a few moments!
827
00:43:47,898 --> 00:43:49,552
A few moments...
828
00:43:49,595 --> 00:43:52,294
doing the ugly stuff
no one else will do.
829
00:43:52,337 --> 00:43:53,382
(GROANS)
830
00:43:55,775 --> 00:43:56,907
No!
831
00:43:59,562 --> 00:44:00,843
OFFICER: Stand down!
Hold your fire!
832
00:44:00,867 --> 00:44:03,217
- Wade, what did you do?
- Colossus, no!
833
00:44:03,261 --> 00:44:06,525
You were right, Wade.
You are not X-Men material.
834
00:44:06,569 --> 00:44:08,875
No shit, Shiny Gandhi!
835
00:44:08,919 --> 00:44:10,399
What was your first clue?
836
00:44:10,442 --> 00:44:13,576
The hollow point
through that fuckhead's face?
837
00:44:13,619 --> 00:44:14,925
That kid was abused!
838
00:44:14,968 --> 00:44:17,014
- You can tell. You can always tell!
- COLOSSUS: We have rules!
839
00:44:17,057 --> 00:44:19,799
You are not judge,
jury or executioner!
840
00:44:19,843 --> 00:44:22,802
Fuck your rules!
I fight for what's right!
841
00:44:22,846 --> 00:44:24,674
And sometimes
you gotta fight dirty!
842
00:44:24,717 --> 00:44:27,764
You let me down
for the last time, Wade.
843
00:44:30,897 --> 00:44:33,204
OFFICER: Okay,
get these guys in the pod.
844
00:44:33,247 --> 00:44:35,424
- Take them to the Ice Box.
- (SIRENS WAILING)
845
00:44:35,467 --> 00:44:37,339
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
846
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:51,309
- (PRISONERS SHOUTING)
- (WHISTLING)
847
00:44:51,353 --> 00:44:53,224
(GATE BUZZING)
848
00:44:54,878 --> 00:44:56,009
- (SHOUTING CONTINUES)
- (GRUNTS)
849
00:44:56,053 --> 00:44:57,054
Hey, baby!
850
00:44:58,142 --> 00:45:00,405
I wonder what gang
I'll be in.
851
00:45:00,449 --> 00:45:01,928
Yeah!
852
00:45:01,972 --> 00:45:04,235
Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
(MOUTHS) Hi.
853
00:45:06,106 --> 00:45:07,499
I've always seen myself as
854
00:45:07,543 --> 00:45:08,935
more of an East Coast
Hufflepuff.
855
00:45:10,459 --> 00:45:13,418
I've made a critical error
on my Airbnb reservation.
856
00:45:13,462 --> 00:45:17,335
This is not what the website
looked like at all.
857
00:45:18,902 --> 00:45:20,643
I love the decor though.
858
00:45:20,686 --> 00:45:22,645
I had no idea
hopeless was a color.
859
00:45:22,688 --> 00:45:23,950
GUARD: Hard left, douchebag.
860
00:45:28,477 --> 00:45:29,695
Please, after you.
861
00:45:31,828 --> 00:45:34,526
Another disgusting minority
off the streets.
862
00:45:34,570 --> 00:45:35,701
We'll sleep well tonight.
863
00:45:35,745 --> 00:45:36,789
Let's get a bagel.
864
00:45:36,833 --> 00:45:40,010
- (TASER CRACKLING)
- (GROANING)
865
00:45:40,053 --> 00:45:42,882
Nighty-night,
you annoying prick!
866
00:45:43,970 --> 00:45:46,059
(CONTINUES GROANING)
867
00:46:13,043 --> 00:46:14,566
(VOMITING)
868
00:46:18,657 --> 00:46:20,548
RUSSELL: You're a long way
from your superpowers.
869
00:46:20,572 --> 00:46:23,009
Yeah. Just a touch of cancer.
870
00:46:23,053 --> 00:46:25,534
Not to worry,
we're old friends.
871
00:46:25,577 --> 00:46:26,796
Fuck!
872
00:46:26,839 --> 00:46:29,015
I wanted to be a superhero.
873
00:46:29,059 --> 00:46:31,017
Always wanted
a real super suit.
874
00:46:31,061 --> 00:46:32,628
(SIGHS) What happened?
875
00:46:32,671 --> 00:46:34,791
When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?
876
00:46:35,457 --> 00:46:36,936
Never.
877
00:46:36,980 --> 00:46:38,764
The industry discriminates.
878
00:46:39,852 --> 00:46:41,941
Fuck superheroes.
879
00:46:41,985 --> 00:46:44,248
The thing that
pisses me off the most...
880
00:46:44,291 --> 00:46:46,119
I never stood up
for myself in there.
881
00:46:47,730 --> 00:46:50,646
My whole life.
882
00:46:50,689 --> 00:46:54,171
I've been waiting for someone
to come and save me.
883
00:46:56,565 --> 00:46:59,524
Nobody's gonna sacrifice
anything for me.
884
00:47:03,659 --> 00:47:05,922
I gotta start taking care
of myself.
885
00:47:07,271 --> 00:47:10,013
I have a mission now.
886
00:47:10,056 --> 00:47:12,711
The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here...
887
00:47:12,755 --> 00:47:15,105
burn the headmaster alive...
888
00:47:15,148 --> 00:47:18,848
and then take a selfie
with his smoldering corpse.
889
00:47:18,891 --> 00:47:21,328
Aw. That's, like,
my favorite part of the Bible.
890
00:47:23,069 --> 00:47:25,550
I don't have
a sock puppet on me...
891
00:47:25,594 --> 00:47:27,639
but what did he do to you?
892
00:47:27,683 --> 00:47:29,293
Did he taste the rainbow?
893
00:47:29,336 --> 00:47:31,382
I'd whisper it,
but Skittles would sue us.
894
00:47:32,557 --> 00:47:34,559
Fucker hates mutants.
895
00:47:34,603 --> 00:47:36,561
He tried to beat
the genes out of us.
896
00:47:36,605 --> 00:47:39,129
Nothing worse than a
"pray the gay away" type guy.
897
00:47:39,912 --> 00:47:41,305
Sick piece of shit.
898
00:47:42,698 --> 00:47:46,397
Tomorrow, we'll find
the biggest guy in here...
899
00:47:47,354 --> 00:47:49,052
and we'll make him our bitch!
900
00:47:49,095 --> 00:47:50,444
(RUMBLING)
901
00:47:51,707 --> 00:47:52,925
(WADE COUGHS)
902
00:47:52,969 --> 00:47:54,318
- What was that?
- (CLEARS THROAT)
903
00:47:54,361 --> 00:47:56,929
That is the biggest guy
in here.
904
00:47:56,973 --> 00:47:59,062
Fun fact about the Ice Box...
905
00:47:59,105 --> 00:48:00,933
though no one's ever seen it,
906
00:48:00,977 --> 00:48:03,196
they keep a monster
in the basement.
907
00:48:03,240 --> 00:48:04,981
Right next to a huge,
908
00:48:05,024 --> 00:48:06,548
steaming bowl
of foreshadowing.
909
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:08,201
Look.
910
00:48:09,202 --> 00:48:11,465
I can't protect you. (COUGHS)
911
00:48:11,509 --> 00:48:12,641
With this collar on,
912
00:48:12,684 --> 00:48:15,818
my superpower
is just unbridled cancer.
913
00:48:15,861 --> 00:48:19,343
Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.
914
00:48:19,386 --> 00:48:21,475
Now, if you'll excuse me...
(COUGHS)
915
00:48:21,519 --> 00:48:24,696
I've got tumors to grow.
Vanessa awaits.
916
00:48:24,740 --> 00:48:27,220
I'll start by making us
a shank.
917
00:48:27,264 --> 00:48:29,179
- Good listening.
- I stole that guard's pen...
918
00:48:29,222 --> 00:48:31,181
and stashed it
in the old prison wallet,
919
00:48:31,224 --> 00:48:32,617
if you know what I'm saying.
920
00:48:32,661 --> 00:48:35,141
I really hope I don't know
what you're saying.
921
00:48:35,751 --> 00:48:37,187
(RUSSELL EXHALES)
922
00:48:37,230 --> 00:48:39,581
RUSSELL: I know it's in there,
I just need to get it out.
923
00:48:39,624 --> 00:48:41,713
Oh, Jesus Christ.
924
00:48:41,757 --> 00:48:44,411
I can hear you
rummaging around in there.
925
00:48:44,455 --> 00:48:46,849
Do they make Purell
for your ears?
926
00:48:46,892 --> 00:48:48,415
(SIREN WAILING)
927
00:48:51,375 --> 00:48:52,735
REPORTER: (ON TV)And to update you
928
00:48:52,768 --> 00:48:54,160
on the story reported earlier,
929
00:48:54,204 --> 00:48:55,901
after a lengthy standoff
930
00:48:55,945 --> 00:48:58,556
outside the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation...
931
00:48:58,600 --> 00:48:59,905
two mutants were arrested
932
00:48:59,949 --> 00:49:01,690
and transported
to the Ice Box...
933
00:49:01,733 --> 00:49:03,213
AUTOMATED VOICE:Entering repair mode.
934
00:49:07,565 --> 00:49:09,151
REPORTER: ...several
police cars were destroyed
935
00:49:09,175 --> 00:49:11,003
and the X-Men were called in
to restore order.
936
00:49:30,893 --> 00:49:32,198
(COUGHS)
937
00:49:32,242 --> 00:49:34,244
GUARD: (ON P.A.)Cells seven and nine
938
00:49:34,287 --> 00:49:37,682
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
939
00:49:37,726 --> 00:49:39,205
Cells seven and nine
940
00:49:39,249 --> 00:49:41,991
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
941
00:49:43,732 --> 00:49:45,124
Psst!
942
00:49:47,431 --> 00:49:49,781
Don't do that.
943
00:49:49,825 --> 00:49:52,697
What? Why are you
winking at me?
944
00:49:52,741 --> 00:49:53,829
(COUGHS)
945
00:49:56,309 --> 00:49:57,702
I got your back.
946
00:49:57,746 --> 00:49:58,964
Oh, my God.
947
00:49:59,008 --> 00:50:00,531
You're sick,
I gotta protect you.
948
00:50:00,574 --> 00:50:02,489
- Just leave me alone, kid.
- (MAN WHISTLING)
949
00:50:03,621 --> 00:50:04,666
Oh, great.
950
00:50:05,275 --> 00:50:06,493
(WADE COUGHS)
951
00:50:06,537 --> 00:50:09,061
Well, hello there, new fish.
952
00:50:09,105 --> 00:50:12,151
It's nice to see some
fresh faces around here.
953
00:50:12,195 --> 00:50:14,458
(COUGHS) I've done some
light catalog work...
954
00:50:14,501 --> 00:50:16,982
but, really, modeling is just
a stepping stone to acting.
955
00:50:17,026 --> 00:50:19,811
- I was talking to him.
- Oh.
956
00:50:19,855 --> 00:50:23,249
Have we met?
I can't place your mustache.
957
00:50:23,293 --> 00:50:25,948
- Black Tom Cassidy.
- White Wade Wilson.
958
00:50:25,991 --> 00:50:29,429
What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?
959
00:50:29,473 --> 00:50:32,041
You're supposed to be
the toughest cunt in here.
960
00:50:32,084 --> 00:50:34,652
You don't look
like much to me.
961
00:50:34,696 --> 00:50:37,133
First rule of the yard,
fuckface...
962
00:50:37,176 --> 00:50:39,222
find the biggest guy
and make him your...
963
00:50:39,265 --> 00:50:41,224
- (GROANS)
- (INMATES EXCLAIMS)
964
00:50:43,052 --> 00:50:45,271
Second biggest guy.
965
00:50:45,315 --> 00:50:47,752
The last thing I need
is more hepatitis.
966
00:50:47,796 --> 00:50:51,364
Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down!
967
00:50:51,408 --> 00:50:53,236
Can we get a wipe down
on the table?
968
00:50:53,279 --> 00:50:54,498
- (GROANS)
- (INMATES EXCLAIMS)
969
00:50:54,541 --> 00:50:56,761
Kid, I think you picked
the wrong side.
970
00:50:56,805 --> 00:50:59,155
No, I didn't!
He's my friend!
971
00:50:59,198 --> 00:51:01,461
- Zip it. We're not friends.
- (INMATES CHEERING)
972
00:51:03,159 --> 00:51:04,439
You're about to get
dick-slapped.
973
00:51:05,422 --> 00:51:07,859
- (INMATES SHOUTING)
- (COUGHS)
974
00:51:09,382 --> 00:51:10,949
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
975
00:51:16,825 --> 00:51:18,565
I had so much fun!
You were like... (GRUNTS)
976
00:51:18,609 --> 00:51:20,698
And I was like,
"Take a seat, shit dick."
977
00:51:20,742 --> 00:51:22,482
Just let me die in peace.
978
00:51:22,526 --> 00:51:24,658
(GRUNTS)
We make a great team!
979
00:51:24,702 --> 00:51:27,270
Oh, God! We're not a team.
(COUGHING)
980
00:51:27,313 --> 00:51:31,665
Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.
981
00:51:31,709 --> 00:51:34,103
We're not partners
or friends.
982
00:51:35,539 --> 00:51:37,628
This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.
983
00:51:37,671 --> 00:51:39,848
It ends with me
dying of cancer...
984
00:51:39,891 --> 00:51:43,765
and you winning the Ice Box
award for softest mouth.
985
00:51:43,808 --> 00:51:45,157
(WADE COUGHS)
986
00:51:45,201 --> 00:51:46,811
There's only one person
in this world
987
00:51:46,855 --> 00:51:48,639
that I care about,
and she's gone.
988
00:51:50,423 --> 00:51:53,600
You wanna survive?
989
00:51:53,644 --> 00:51:56,952
Stop trying to shank
the biggest guys in here...
990
00:51:56,995 --> 00:51:58,867
and make friends with them.
991
00:52:00,172 --> 00:52:01,783
Make friends with someone.
992
00:52:03,001 --> 00:52:04,611
Anyone but me.
993
00:52:05,787 --> 00:52:08,093
Maybe even Black Tim.
994
00:52:09,007 --> 00:52:10,617
Black Evan, I don't know.
995
00:52:10,661 --> 00:52:13,142
All I remember is
he was African-American.
996
00:52:23,979 --> 00:52:25,676
(GUARDS GROANING)
997
00:52:32,378 --> 00:52:33,738
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
- (ALARM BLARING)
998
00:52:40,822 --> 00:52:42,649
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
999
00:52:48,046 --> 00:52:49,787
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1000
00:52:51,136 --> 00:52:52,834
(GUARDS GROANING)
1001
00:52:58,622 --> 00:53:00,711
AUTOMATED VOICE: (ON P.A.)System malfunctioning.
1002
00:53:00,754 --> 00:53:04,106
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
1003
00:53:04,149 --> 00:53:06,412
Back in your cells, you filthy
mutants! Get in there!
1004
00:53:06,456 --> 00:53:09,763
AUTOMATED VOICE:Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.
1005
00:53:10,939 --> 00:53:12,379
- (BEEPING)
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Searching.
1006
00:53:13,898 --> 00:53:16,248
Cell 04 located.
1007
00:53:17,641 --> 00:53:19,773
Door won't open!
1008
00:53:19,817 --> 00:53:21,427
GUARD: On your fucking knees!
1009
00:53:23,952 --> 00:53:25,518
(ALL GRUNTING)
1010
00:53:58,377 --> 00:54:00,075
That was our cell.
1011
00:54:02,207 --> 00:54:04,514
What did I do to piss off
a grumpy old fucker
1012
00:54:04,557 --> 00:54:05,732
with a Winter Soldier arm?
1013
00:54:15,003 --> 00:54:16,918
Get away from me, kid!
1014
00:54:18,789 --> 00:54:19,964
(PRISONER GROANS)
1015
00:54:20,617 --> 00:54:21,705
(ALL GRUNTING)
1016
00:54:24,534 --> 00:54:25,752
Listen to me! Go!
1017
00:54:31,236 --> 00:54:32,542
Hello, Russell.
1018
00:54:36,285 --> 00:54:37,373
(COCKS GUN)
1019
00:54:41,464 --> 00:54:42,813
(GROANS)
1020
00:54:43,945 --> 00:54:45,685
- (WADE GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)
1021
00:54:47,209 --> 00:54:48,862
(GROANING)
1022
00:55:01,963 --> 00:55:03,268
(GRUNTS)
1023
00:55:13,235 --> 00:55:15,628
(GUARDS GROANING)
1024
00:55:34,952 --> 00:55:37,650
(GROANING)
1025
00:55:41,393 --> 00:55:42,873
(ALL GRUNTING)
1026
00:55:51,534 --> 00:55:52,709
(GROANS)
1027
00:55:52,752 --> 00:55:54,537
(GASPS)
1028
00:55:55,580 --> 00:55:57,755
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1029
00:56:02,719 --> 00:56:04,112
- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)
1030
00:56:07,071 --> 00:56:08,594
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1031
00:56:16,124 --> 00:56:17,125
Who are you?
1032
00:56:18,039 --> 00:56:19,257
I'm Batman.
1033
00:56:28,614 --> 00:56:29,702
(GASPS)
1034
00:56:30,703 --> 00:56:31,748
Ooh!
1035
00:56:32,705 --> 00:56:33,793
(GRUNTS)
1036
00:56:36,492 --> 00:56:39,364
Oh. That's got some zip.
1037
00:56:47,894 --> 00:56:50,680
Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.
1038
00:56:51,376 --> 00:56:52,943
Talk!
1039
00:56:52,986 --> 00:56:54,771
What kind of
spineless shit stick
1040
00:56:54,814 --> 00:56:56,164
tries to kill
a 14-year-old boy?
1041
00:56:57,469 --> 00:56:58,992
You might wanna start talking!
1042
00:56:59,036 --> 00:57:01,276
'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!
1043
00:57:02,648 --> 00:57:04,650
The name's Cable.
1044
00:57:04,694 --> 00:57:07,349
I'm from the future.
Just walk away.
1045
00:57:08,045 --> 00:57:09,351
Oh!
1046
00:57:09,394 --> 00:57:11,353
So, you're from the future.
1047
00:57:11,396 --> 00:57:13,355
I have
three questions then.
1048
00:57:13,398 --> 00:57:17,010
One, is dubstep still a thing?
1049
00:57:17,054 --> 00:57:19,535
Two, do people still homebrew?
1050
00:57:19,578 --> 00:57:22,146
And three,
does Dopinder ever find love?
1051
00:57:31,242 --> 00:57:32,765
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1052
00:57:45,778 --> 00:57:47,606
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1053
00:57:49,956 --> 00:57:53,308
- (SHOUTING)
- (CHOKING)
1054
00:57:56,224 --> 00:57:57,573
(SCREAMING)
1055
00:58:02,230 --> 00:58:03,927
(GROANING)
1056
00:58:06,321 --> 00:58:08,105
Dubstep's for pussies.
1057
00:58:08,149 --> 00:58:09,454
You're so dark!
1058
00:58:09,498 --> 00:58:11,587
Are you sure you're not
from the DC universe?
1059
00:58:12,327 --> 00:58:13,893
I love dubstep!
1060
00:58:13,937 --> 00:58:16,113
(♫ DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING ♫)
1061
00:58:24,426 --> 00:58:26,167
- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)
1062
00:58:38,657 --> 00:58:40,137
(GROANS)
1063
00:58:40,181 --> 00:58:41,617
WADE: Is that a fanny pack?
1064
00:58:41,660 --> 00:58:44,228
I used to have one of those
in 1990-never.
1065
00:58:45,229 --> 00:58:47,318
Something to remember you by.
1066
00:58:47,362 --> 00:58:51,148
Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.
1067
00:58:51,192 --> 00:58:53,542
Like the memory
of your fucking fanny pack!
1068
00:58:59,025 --> 00:59:00,070
(GROANING)
1069
00:59:03,291 --> 00:59:05,380
Why are you protecting
the kid?
1070
00:59:05,423 --> 00:59:06,642
(LAUGHS)
1071
00:59:06,685 --> 00:59:08,992
I don't give a fuck
about him...
1072
00:59:09,035 --> 00:59:11,429
and his Are You My Mother?
complex!
1073
00:59:13,779 --> 00:59:15,041
What's this one do?
1074
00:59:16,391 --> 00:59:18,349
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1075
00:59:27,445 --> 00:59:29,186
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
1076
00:59:29,230 --> 00:59:30,840
WADE: In every film,
there's a moment
1077
00:59:30,883 --> 00:59:33,277
when the hero
hits rock bottom.
1078
00:59:33,321 --> 00:59:35,279
In Cool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's
1079
00:59:35,323 --> 00:59:37,281
prized bobsled broke.
1080
00:59:37,325 --> 00:59:40,066
In Human Centipede,
it was when those people...
1081
00:59:40,110 --> 00:59:41,677
signed on to be in that movie.
1082
00:59:41,720 --> 00:59:43,853
But in this film, well...
1083
00:59:43,896 --> 00:59:45,115
you're looking at it.
1084
00:59:45,158 --> 00:59:46,899
GUARD:
On your fucking knees, mutant.
1085
00:59:47,726 --> 00:59:49,162
(GROANING)
1086
00:59:49,815 --> 00:59:50,816
WADE: Rock...
1087
00:59:54,864 --> 00:59:56,344
meet bottom.
1088
01:00:01,436 --> 01:00:03,264
(INDISTINCT VOICES ECHOING)
1089
01:00:07,050 --> 01:00:08,201
VANESSA:I love you, Wade Wilson.
1090
01:00:08,225 --> 01:00:09,400
Ness?
1091
01:00:10,445 --> 01:00:11,924
Hey, Ness!
1092
01:00:12,795 --> 01:00:14,623
Ness, can you let me in?
1093
01:00:14,666 --> 01:00:16,755
Please! Please.
1094
01:00:18,931 --> 01:00:20,063
Jesus.
1095
01:00:20,106 --> 01:00:21,107
(SIGHS)
1096
01:00:22,979 --> 01:00:24,739
You're not giving me
a lot of direction here.
1097
01:00:24,763 --> 01:00:26,591
I'm at the end of my rope.
1098
01:00:26,635 --> 01:00:28,071
(TIMER TICKING)
1099
01:00:29,072 --> 01:00:31,422
Then I joined the X-Men.
1100
01:00:31,466 --> 01:00:33,294
I went to prison. I, uh...
1101
01:00:37,385 --> 01:00:38,908
Is it the kid?
1102
01:00:40,953 --> 01:00:43,869
Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.
1103
01:00:45,306 --> 01:00:46,307
- The kid!
- (TIMER DINGS)
1104
01:00:49,788 --> 01:00:51,312
(GASPING)
1105
01:00:53,923 --> 01:00:55,490
(WHEEZING)
1106
01:00:59,929 --> 01:01:01,539
That's exactly what she meant.
1107
01:01:01,583 --> 01:01:02,995
Your heart needs to be
in the right place.
1108
01:01:03,019 --> 01:01:04,890
I'm not gonna
abandon this kid.
1109
01:01:04,934 --> 01:01:07,545
He's never had anyone, ever.
1110
01:01:07,589 --> 01:01:08,938
I need to be selfless.
1111
01:01:08,981 --> 01:01:10,940
Yeah, but what does
that mean?
1112
01:01:10,983 --> 01:01:14,247
It means
I'm gonna save Russell.
1113
01:01:14,291 --> 01:01:15,814
Maybe I couldn't
save Vanessa...
1114
01:01:15,858 --> 01:01:18,861
but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.
1115
01:01:18,904 --> 01:01:20,969
Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world "selfless."
1116
01:01:20,993 --> 01:01:22,517
I literally don't know
what that means.
1117
01:01:22,560 --> 01:01:23,735
Jesus Christ.
1118
01:01:23,779 --> 01:01:26,521
Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay...
1119
01:01:26,564 --> 01:01:28,392
those muties
are being transferred
1120
01:01:28,436 --> 01:01:30,263
to a supermax, 80 miles away.
1121
01:01:30,307 --> 01:01:32,135
Great, I'll pick 'em off
along the way.
1122
01:01:32,178 --> 01:01:34,355
Hold your testicles there,
buddy, okay?
1123
01:01:34,398 --> 01:01:36,400
We're talking about
an armored convoy...
1124
01:01:36,444 --> 01:01:39,055
and a vicious super soldier
from the future...
1125
01:01:39,098 --> 01:01:41,449
that is looking to turn your
skull into a fuckable ashtray.
1126
01:01:41,492 --> 01:01:42,972
You know what we need to do?
1127
01:01:43,015 --> 01:01:44,887
We need to build
a fucking team.
1128
01:01:44,930 --> 01:01:47,019
We need 'em tough,
morally flexible...
1129
01:01:47,063 --> 01:01:48,456
and young enough
so they can carry
1130
01:01:48,499 --> 01:01:49,694
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
1131
01:01:49,718 --> 01:01:51,589
A team of
highly-skilled motherfuckers.
1132
01:01:51,633 --> 01:01:54,679
I'm talking about some
Ocean's 14 shit. Rogue Two.
1133
01:01:54,723 --> 01:01:57,160
John Wick 3, but with
the original director.
1134
01:01:57,203 --> 01:01:59,118
DOPINDER: My body is an
instrument of death.
1135
01:01:59,162 --> 01:02:00,511
Not now, Dopinder.
1136
01:02:00,555 --> 01:02:02,034
I could be of great use.
1137
01:02:02,078 --> 01:02:03,645
What's your superpower?
1138
01:02:05,473 --> 01:02:07,126
- Courage.
- That's adorable.
1139
01:02:07,170 --> 01:02:08,843
Do you have the courage
to check and see...
1140
01:02:08,867 --> 01:02:11,261
if there are enough sanitary
napkins in the dispenser?
1141
01:02:11,304 --> 01:02:12,349
Yes, sir.
1142
01:02:12,393 --> 01:02:13,655
I'm sorry
you had to see that,
1143
01:02:13,698 --> 01:02:16,048
although I'm glad
you heard it.
1144
01:02:16,092 --> 01:02:18,007
All right, I'll put out
a call for resumes.
1145
01:02:18,050 --> 01:02:20,313
But we're not paying
medical or dental.
1146
01:02:20,357 --> 01:02:22,403
It's time to get back
on LinkedIn.
1147
01:02:32,238 --> 01:02:33,675
(EXHALES)
1148
01:02:43,511 --> 01:02:45,469
(♫ CHILD SINGING "TOMORROW" ♫)
1149
01:02:59,265 --> 01:03:00,919
GUARD: (ON P.A.)Attention, all inmates!
1150
01:03:00,963 --> 01:03:03,400
Transport to Cross Force
Maximum Security
1151
01:03:03,444 --> 01:03:04,923
Mutant Containment Facility...
1152
01:03:04,967 --> 01:03:06,925
will begin at 0800 hours.
1153
01:03:06,969 --> 01:03:08,971
Inspection of your cells
and out processing
1154
01:03:09,014 --> 01:03:11,060
will begin at 0600.
1155
01:03:19,372 --> 01:03:20,461
BLACK TOM: Oi.
1156
01:03:20,504 --> 01:03:21,853
MUTANT: What the fuck
do you want?
1157
01:03:21,897 --> 01:03:23,725
That's my fucking pudding.
1158
01:03:23,768 --> 01:03:25,770
- Fuck your pudding!
- You like pudding?
1159
01:03:25,814 --> 01:03:27,555
- (GRUNTS)
- (PRISONERS CLAMORING)
1160
01:03:28,381 --> 01:03:30,079
(ALARM BLARING)
1161
01:03:46,791 --> 01:03:47,792
Hello?
1162
01:03:50,099 --> 01:03:52,449
I know you're in there.
1163
01:04:08,117 --> 01:04:10,423
Must be hard
being the biggest guy in here.
1164
01:04:11,686 --> 01:04:13,992
Lonely at the top, eh?
1165
01:04:14,036 --> 01:04:15,994
They're moving us tomorrow.
1166
01:04:18,475 --> 01:04:20,259
Maybe I can get you
out of here.
1167
01:04:21,478 --> 01:04:24,612
And we can make
the whole world our bitch.
1168
01:04:26,483 --> 01:04:28,224
We need a secret code.
1169
01:04:30,182 --> 01:04:31,401
(IMITATES BIRD CALL)
1170
01:04:31,444 --> 01:04:33,882
(SOFTLY)
No, that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
1171
01:04:36,058 --> 01:04:38,016
(RHYTHMIC BANGING)
1172
01:04:38,060 --> 01:04:39,931
(RHYTHMIC BANGING IN RESPONSE)
1173
01:04:41,150 --> 01:04:42,673
We're a team.
1174
01:04:42,717 --> 01:04:44,675
We're like thugs,
we're like gangsters.
1175
01:04:44,719 --> 01:04:48,374
I'm like Tupac,
and you're like Ice Cube.
1176
01:04:48,418 --> 01:04:49,526
WEASEL: Supposedly,
she can rap, too.
1177
01:04:49,550 --> 01:04:50,638
DEADPOOL: Yeah.
1178
01:04:50,681 --> 01:04:51,726
I like that.
1179
01:04:51,769 --> 01:04:53,423
Terrific,
these are all terrific.
1180
01:04:53,466 --> 01:04:55,207
Meet Bedlam.
1181
01:04:55,251 --> 01:04:57,514
Cool name! Superpowers?
1182
01:04:57,558 --> 01:04:59,081
I can distort
electrical fields.
1183
01:04:59,124 --> 01:05:00,256
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
1184
01:05:00,299 --> 01:05:02,519
Including the one
inside your brain...
1185
01:05:02,563 --> 01:05:05,261
causing anxiety, confusion...
1186
01:05:05,304 --> 01:05:07,306
pain.
1187
01:05:07,350 --> 01:05:09,439
So, basically,
you're Dave Matthews.
1188
01:05:09,482 --> 01:05:10,614
We can use him.
1189
01:05:12,398 --> 01:05:14,052
I'm Zeitgeist.
1190
01:05:14,096 --> 01:05:15,401
Cool. I like it.
1191
01:05:15,445 --> 01:05:16,707
So you have the power
1192
01:05:16,751 --> 01:05:19,101
to put your finger
on the pulse of society?
1193
01:05:20,145 --> 01:05:21,320
(STAMMERS) No.
1194
01:05:21,364 --> 01:05:22,931
No, I spit acidic vomit.
(SNIFFS)
1195
01:05:22,974 --> 01:05:24,106
- Oh.
- Do you want me
1196
01:05:24,149 --> 01:05:25,542
- to demonstrate?
- DEADPOOL: No!
1197
01:05:25,586 --> 01:05:27,065
WEASEL: We'll take
your word for it.
1198
01:05:27,109 --> 01:05:29,261
Thank you. Yeah. Listen,
we've all eaten at Arby's, okay?
1199
01:05:29,285 --> 01:05:31,896
And this is the Vanisher.
1200
01:05:35,247 --> 01:05:36,248
But...
1201
01:05:37,423 --> 01:05:38,903
Vanisher!
1202
01:05:38,947 --> 01:05:40,513
(LAUGHS)
1203
01:05:41,427 --> 01:05:43,081
- Nice!
- Right?
1204
01:05:44,387 --> 01:05:45,518
He's not here, is he?
1205
01:05:45,562 --> 01:05:47,085
He may be running late.
1206
01:05:48,696 --> 01:05:51,524
My name's Rusty,
but I go by Shatterstar.
1207
01:05:51,568 --> 01:05:52,787
BOTH: That's good, yeah.
1208
01:05:52,830 --> 01:05:54,963
- "Rusty" is terrible.
- Toughie.
1209
01:05:55,006 --> 01:05:57,835
- So, uh, where are you from?
- The planet Mojo World.
1210
01:05:57,879 --> 01:05:59,924
- So you're an alien, I guess.
- Bad name.
1211
01:05:59,968 --> 01:06:01,665
How does that, uh, help us?
1212
01:06:01,709 --> 01:06:04,625
I'm basically better
than you at everything.
1213
01:06:04,668 --> 01:06:06,385
Just once, I'm gonna find
a planet of people
1214
01:06:06,409 --> 01:06:07,976
that are worse than me
at everything.
1215
01:06:08,019 --> 01:06:10,239
A whole bunch
of functional idiots.
1216
01:06:10,282 --> 01:06:12,217
I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.
1217
01:06:12,241 --> 01:06:13,372
Isn't that Canada?
1218
01:06:13,416 --> 01:06:15,810
You shut your
goddamn trash mouth!
1219
01:06:16,985 --> 01:06:18,508
- WEASEL: Meet...
- Domino.
1220
01:06:18,551 --> 01:06:20,597
- DEADPOOL: What's your shtick?
- I'm lucky.
1221
01:06:20,641 --> 01:06:22,033
That's not a superpower.
1222
01:06:22,077 --> 01:06:23,208
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1223
01:06:23,252 --> 01:06:24,514
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1224
01:06:24,557 --> 01:06:25,602
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1225
01:06:25,646 --> 01:06:26,690
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1226
01:06:26,734 --> 01:06:27,754
- Yeah, it is.
- Really isn't.
1227
01:06:27,778 --> 01:06:28,997
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
1228
01:06:29,040 --> 01:06:30,215
Told you.
1229
01:06:30,259 --> 01:06:31,608
Get out of my head!
1230
01:06:31,652 --> 01:06:33,262
I'm not in your head.
1231
01:06:33,305 --> 01:06:34,655
I'm in an
11-year-old's bedroom.
1232
01:06:34,698 --> 01:06:35,830
Well, if you're so lucky,
1233
01:06:35,873 --> 01:06:37,483
then what are you
doing here with us?
1234
01:06:37,527 --> 01:06:38,659
I don't know yet.
1235
01:06:38,702 --> 01:06:40,225
What's that supposed to mean?
1236
01:06:40,269 --> 01:06:41,550
There's a reason why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.
1237
01:06:41,574 --> 01:06:43,378
Everything usually
just kind of works out for me.
1238
01:06:43,402 --> 01:06:45,230
Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds.
1239
01:06:46,536 --> 01:06:47,668
I don't know who that is.
1240
01:06:47,711 --> 01:06:49,191
DEADPOOL: You're hired.
1241
01:06:49,234 --> 01:06:50,279
Lucky me.
1242
01:06:50,322 --> 01:06:51,541
DEADPOOL: I like her!
1243
01:06:52,673 --> 01:06:53,978
And last, but not least...
1244
01:06:54,022 --> 01:06:55,153
Peter.
1245
01:06:56,546 --> 01:06:59,070
Am I getting
catfished here or...?
1246
01:06:59,114 --> 01:07:01,029
Any powers you wanna
tell us about?
1247
01:07:01,072 --> 01:07:02,683
PETER: No.
1248
01:07:02,726 --> 01:07:04,423
I don't have one.
1249
01:07:04,467 --> 01:07:05,773
Um, I just saw the ad.
1250
01:07:05,816 --> 01:07:07,600
No superpowers at all?
1251
01:07:07,644 --> 01:07:10,734
Uh, I have both
Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.
1252
01:07:11,256 --> 01:07:12,605
Ow! Oh!
1253
01:07:12,649 --> 01:07:13,781
That's all the diabetes.
1254
01:07:13,824 --> 01:07:15,130
Right?
Yeah, you got 'em all.
1255
01:07:15,173 --> 01:07:17,088
If you find a Type 3,
let us know.
1256
01:07:17,610 --> 01:07:18,655
Yeah.
1257
01:07:18,699 --> 01:07:19,787
You're in.
1258
01:07:19,830 --> 01:07:21,353
- Yeah.
- Fuck!
1259
01:07:23,747 --> 01:07:25,140
It's fulfilling work.
1260
01:07:30,232 --> 01:07:31,537
GUARD: Let's go!
1261
01:07:45,160 --> 01:07:47,771
GUARD: This is Convoy 17
departing the Ice Box.
1262
01:07:47,815 --> 01:07:49,164
We are en route.
1263
01:07:56,780 --> 01:07:59,130
CABLE:
Peacetime makes people soft.
1264
01:08:00,741 --> 01:08:02,525
I was born into war.
1265
01:08:04,048 --> 01:08:05,223
Bred into it.
1266
01:08:06,355 --> 01:08:08,139
Okay.
1267
01:08:08,183 --> 01:08:10,533
What's the most pain
you've ever felt?
1268
01:08:12,491 --> 01:08:13,754
These restraints are pretty...
1269
01:08:13,797 --> 01:08:15,668
People think
they understand pain.
1270
01:08:15,712 --> 01:08:17,148
They have no concept of it
1271
01:08:17,192 --> 01:08:19,150
beyond their own
worst experience.
1272
01:08:20,761 --> 01:08:23,938
5 years old. That's what?
1273
01:08:23,981 --> 01:08:25,548
A bee sting.
1274
01:08:25,591 --> 01:08:26,723
Oh, yeah.
1275
01:08:26,767 --> 01:08:29,291
20 years old, shrapnel.
1276
01:08:29,334 --> 01:08:32,033
40 years old, disease.
1277
01:08:32,076 --> 01:08:36,646
Maybe the kind that leaves you
more machine than man.
1278
01:08:36,689 --> 01:08:38,089
Yeah, getting old's
not for sissies.
1279
01:08:38,126 --> 01:08:39,780
That's what my
Grandma Ginny used to...
1280
01:08:39,823 --> 01:08:40,998
I've got a list.
1281
01:08:41,782 --> 01:08:43,740
We're gonna work down it.
1282
01:08:44,436 --> 01:08:45,437
Together.
1283
01:08:46,612 --> 01:08:49,659
Number one,
I'm gonna bend something.
1284
01:08:49,702 --> 01:08:52,009
Something that was not
meant to bend.
1285
01:08:52,053 --> 01:08:53,204
I'm gonna
stop you right there
1286
01:08:53,228 --> 01:08:54,553
because I'm not gonna
make it to two.
1287
01:08:54,577 --> 01:08:55,883
I won't even
make it to one.
1288
01:08:55,926 --> 01:08:57,667
I don't do well with pain,
you know.
1289
01:08:57,710 --> 01:09:00,061
If I stub my toe,
I'm done for the day.
1290
01:09:00,104 --> 01:09:02,498
I cried when they
canceled Felicity.
1291
01:09:02,541 --> 01:09:04,389
When I get really scared,
I get nervous erections.
1292
01:09:04,413 --> 01:09:05,806
I have one right now.
1293
01:09:05,849 --> 01:09:07,416
Don't look.
It'll only make it worse.
1294
01:09:07,459 --> 01:09:08,591
I don't want you
to hurt me,
1295
01:09:08,634 --> 01:09:10,811
and I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.
1296
01:09:11,812 --> 01:09:13,944
Except for where they are.
1297
01:09:13,988 --> 01:09:15,269
Russell's in a convoy
heading southbound
1298
01:09:15,293 --> 01:09:16,686
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
1299
01:09:16,729 --> 01:09:18,055
The monster's with them.
I wouldn't fuck with him.
1300
01:09:18,079 --> 01:09:19,558
DEADPOOL:
You all know the plan.
1301
01:09:19,602 --> 01:09:21,343
Intercept the convoy,
1302
01:09:21,386 --> 01:09:23,388
grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!
1303
01:09:23,432 --> 01:09:24,781
WEASEL: You know what,
1304
01:09:24,825 --> 01:09:26,348
I wouldn't fuck with
Deadpool either.
1305
01:09:26,391 --> 01:09:28,524
Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.
1306
01:09:28,567 --> 01:09:31,266
He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.
1307
01:09:31,309 --> 01:09:33,921
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
1308
01:09:33,964 --> 01:09:37,228
He's very short, 5'11".
Not like in the comics.
1309
01:09:37,272 --> 01:09:40,362
And if we succeed,
we all go home early.
1310
01:09:40,405 --> 01:09:42,485
WEASEL: So if you go after
them, Cable, I warn you...
1311
01:09:43,278 --> 01:09:44,975
there's a wind advisory
in effect.
1312
01:09:49,458 --> 01:09:51,155
(WIND HOWLING)
1313
01:09:56,117 --> 01:09:57,757
PILOT: (ON P.A.)A little turbulent up here.
1314
01:10:05,126 --> 01:10:06,910
I don't know much
about this Cable fella...
1315
01:10:06,954 --> 01:10:08,346
but I guarantee
he hasn't killed
1316
01:10:08,390 --> 01:10:10,131
as many people
as melanoma has.
1317
01:10:11,523 --> 01:10:12,916
We're getting close!
1318
01:10:12,960 --> 01:10:14,657
As a former X-Man...
1319
01:10:14,700 --> 01:10:16,615
- Trainee.
- Thank you, Bedlam.
1320
01:10:16,659 --> 01:10:19,009
I was always appalled
by the blatant sexism
1321
01:10:19,053 --> 01:10:20,663
in the group's name.
1322
01:10:20,706 --> 01:10:22,752
X-Men! Men!
1323
01:10:22,795 --> 01:10:25,798
The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.
1324
01:10:25,842 --> 01:10:27,148
Gender neutral.
1325
01:10:27,191 --> 01:10:29,498
From now on,
we'll be known as...
1326
01:10:31,761 --> 01:10:33,110
X-Force.
1327
01:10:33,154 --> 01:10:34,938
Isn't that
a little derivative?
1328
01:10:34,982 --> 01:10:37,375
I don't recall asking
your opinion, Peter!
1329
01:10:38,637 --> 01:10:40,074
That wasn't me.
1330
01:10:47,124 --> 01:10:49,474
Hang the laundry out
at 1,300 feet...
1331
01:10:49,518 --> 01:10:51,346
intercept the convoy,
and grab the boy.
1332
01:10:51,389 --> 01:10:52,497
Let's bring on
the carnage, baby!
1333
01:10:52,521 --> 01:10:54,392
Get me on the ground,
watch me go!
1334
01:10:54,436 --> 01:10:55,567
ALL: Yeah!
1335
01:10:55,611 --> 01:10:57,308
- (ALL WHOOPING)
- I can't wait to kill!
1336
01:10:57,352 --> 01:11:00,094
Hey! Hey! Hey!
1337
01:11:00,137 --> 01:11:02,835
I just wanna say
how proud I am of this team.
1338
01:11:02,879 --> 01:11:05,751
You know,
you guys look amazing!
1339
01:11:05,795 --> 01:11:08,667
Vanisher, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.
1340
01:11:08,711 --> 01:11:09,842
This is the family
1341
01:11:09,886 --> 01:11:11,566
that I've always dreamed
of having and I...
1342
01:11:12,323 --> 01:11:13,411
Ah, shit.
1343
01:11:13,455 --> 01:11:14,978
(SNIFFLES)
1344
01:11:15,022 --> 01:11:16,719
I just get a little choked up
sometimes.
1345
01:11:16,762 --> 01:11:18,590
I hate to interrupt,
but is anybody nervous
1346
01:11:18,634 --> 01:11:19,983
about the high winds?
1347
01:11:20,027 --> 01:11:21,376
- Gary.
- My name's Peter.
1348
01:11:21,419 --> 01:11:23,334
I realize that you're
new to this, but relax.
1349
01:11:23,378 --> 01:11:25,032
You've been chosen
by a higher power.
1350
01:11:25,075 --> 01:11:27,382
- Did he just call himself God?
- I think he did.
1351
01:11:27,425 --> 01:11:28,992
- I'd like to go home.
- And I'd like...
1352
01:11:29,036 --> 01:11:31,560
the McRib to be available
year round,
1353
01:11:31,603 --> 01:11:33,431
but sometimes dreams
don't come true.
1354
01:11:33,475 --> 01:11:35,651
I spent 10 years
in Special Forces.
1355
01:11:35,694 --> 01:11:36,845
You think we didn't
jump out of the plane
1356
01:11:36,869 --> 01:11:38,828
because of a light breeze?
1357
01:11:38,871 --> 01:11:41,135
You're in this shit now,
Mustache!
1358
01:11:41,178 --> 01:11:43,156
(WHISPERS) I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.
1359
01:11:43,180 --> 01:11:45,487
I'd never let anything
happen to you, Sugarbear.
1360
01:11:45,530 --> 01:11:47,750
Leonard, hit it!
1361
01:11:47,793 --> 01:11:49,621
- (ALARM BLARING)
- (♫ "THUNDERSTRUCK" PLAYING ♫)
1362
01:11:56,454 --> 01:11:58,500
Go! Go! Go!
1363
01:12:01,546 --> 01:12:03,026
(♫ MAN SINGING ♫)
1364
01:12:34,188 --> 01:12:35,624
Let's get some!
1365
01:12:35,667 --> 01:12:36,842
Whoo!
1366
01:12:36,886 --> 01:12:38,061
Oh, yeah!
1367
01:12:38,105 --> 01:12:40,933
Convoy, 12 o'clock!
On my command!
1368
01:12:41,978 --> 01:12:43,458
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
1369
01:12:43,501 --> 01:12:44,763
Whoa!
1370
01:12:50,030 --> 01:12:51,944
Little off course here.
1371
01:12:53,033 --> 01:12:54,077
(GROANS)
1372
01:12:54,121 --> 01:12:56,949
Holy mommy fucking shit!
1373
01:12:57,689 --> 01:12:59,126
Ah, there they are.
1374
01:12:59,169 --> 01:13:02,781
Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches. (BLOWS KISS)
1375
01:13:02,825 --> 01:13:04,740
Oh, yeah!
That's right, Bedlam!
1376
01:13:06,350 --> 01:13:07,917
- (BEDLAM GRUNTS)
- (ALL GASPS)
1377
01:13:07,960 --> 01:13:09,788
(GASPING DRAMATICALLY)
1378
01:13:09,832 --> 01:13:14,097
No! Tripping
motherfucking billies!
1379
01:13:14,141 --> 01:13:17,231
Shatterstar.
Okay, you got this.
1380
01:13:18,014 --> 01:13:19,059
Left!
1381
01:13:19,102 --> 01:13:20,451
Left!
1382
01:13:20,495 --> 01:13:22,758
You'd have to be insane
to take off in this.
1383
01:13:22,801 --> 01:13:25,021
No, stage left, you idiot!
1384
01:13:25,761 --> 01:13:27,284
(GASPS)
1385
01:13:28,938 --> 01:13:30,461
Well, I guess
we found something
1386
01:13:30,505 --> 01:13:31,593
you're not better at.
1387
01:13:33,812 --> 01:13:35,118
Vanisher.
1388
01:13:35,162 --> 01:13:36,946
Maybe the wind can't blow
what it can't see.
1389
01:13:38,469 --> 01:13:40,036
(GRUNTING)
1390
01:13:40,080 --> 01:13:41,516
Oh! Really?
1391
01:13:41,559 --> 01:13:43,909
All right,
we could do this with four.
1392
01:13:43,953 --> 01:13:46,956
Sugarbear.
You got this, buddy!
1393
01:13:46,999 --> 01:13:49,089
That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!
1394
01:13:50,307 --> 01:13:52,396
Never underestimate
a man with a mustache!
1395
01:13:52,440 --> 01:13:54,006
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
1396
01:13:54,050 --> 01:13:55,225
(WHOOPS) We did it!
1397
01:13:55,269 --> 01:13:56,835
You're a goddamn
superhero, you!
1398
01:13:56,879 --> 01:13:57,967
X-Force!
1399
01:13:58,576 --> 01:13:59,664
X-Force.
1400
01:14:01,884 --> 01:14:02,928
(SCREAMING)
1401
01:14:02,972 --> 01:14:04,016
(WOOD CHIPPER WHIRRING)
1402
01:14:04,060 --> 01:14:05,931
- (GASPS)
- Oh!
1403
01:14:06,932 --> 01:14:08,064
(EXHALES)
1404
01:14:09,631 --> 01:14:10,675
Peter.
1405
01:14:10,719 --> 01:14:12,024
PETER: I got you, buddy!
1406
01:14:12,068 --> 01:14:13,263
- You're gonna be fine!
- This is not good, man!
1407
01:14:13,287 --> 01:14:15,593
You got this, big guy!
Here we go, Peter!
1408
01:14:15,637 --> 01:14:17,117
Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?
1409
01:14:17,160 --> 01:14:19,249
- Yeah, we're X-Force.
- We're X-Force.
1410
01:14:23,297 --> 01:14:25,342
Oh, my God!
What the fuck?
1411
01:14:25,386 --> 01:14:27,388
- Fucking acidic vomit!
- (SCREAMS)
1412
01:14:27,431 --> 01:14:28,911
(WHIRRING)
1413
01:14:28,954 --> 01:14:31,740
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up
in my mask.
1414
01:14:31,783 --> 01:14:33,045
(EXHALES)
1415
01:14:34,830 --> 01:14:37,224
DOMINO: Okay,
I'm over the convoy.
1416
01:14:37,267 --> 01:14:39,704
Where did the rest
of the team land?
1417
01:14:39,748 --> 01:14:41,402
Good news and bad news.
1418
01:14:41,445 --> 01:14:44,579
Bad news is
the whole team is dead.
1419
01:14:44,622 --> 01:14:45,928
The good news is,
1420
01:14:45,971 --> 01:14:47,799
I don't think anyone's
gonna miss Shatterstar.
1421
01:14:47,843 --> 01:14:51,194
He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul!
1422
01:14:51,238 --> 01:14:52,239
DOMINO: Peter!
1423
01:14:52,282 --> 01:14:53,762
Peter, I'm gonna
miss him most.
1424
01:14:53,805 --> 01:14:54,937
But there is
a slight chance
1425
01:14:54,980 --> 01:14:56,330
Vanisher could make it.
1426
01:14:56,373 --> 01:14:58,984
- (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
- Nope, no chance. He's dead.
1427
01:14:59,028 --> 01:15:00,203
DOMINO:The whole team?
1428
01:15:00,247 --> 01:15:02,118
Only the main ones.
We're still good.
1429
01:15:02,162 --> 01:15:03,424
Fuck, you are dumb.
1430
01:15:03,467 --> 01:15:05,121
Whoever planned this stunt's
1431
01:15:05,165 --> 01:15:07,341
been smoking
a lot jazz cabbage.
1432
01:15:07,384 --> 01:15:08,516
I'll tell you that much.
1433
01:15:08,559 --> 01:15:10,213
That's pretty obvious!
1434
01:15:10,257 --> 01:15:11,997
- Looking good, Vanisher.
- BIKE OWNER: Hey!
1435
01:15:21,833 --> 01:15:23,705
They're headed
into the tunnel.
1436
01:15:24,706 --> 01:15:26,186
I'm that kid's only hope,
1437
01:15:26,229 --> 01:15:28,100
so sit tight
and wait for my word.
1438
01:15:28,840 --> 01:15:30,146
DOMINO: Whatever.
1439
01:15:30,190 --> 01:15:31,713
We're gonna lose 'em.
I'm dropping in.
1440
01:15:31,756 --> 01:15:34,150
DEADPOOL: Uh, that's
a negative, sole survivor.
1441
01:15:34,194 --> 01:15:36,718
Luck is not a superpower!
We are so fucked!
1442
01:15:36,761 --> 01:15:39,851
No, we most certainly
are not fucked.
1443
01:15:39,895 --> 01:15:41,455
- (CARS HORNS HONKING)
- (BRAKES SCREECHING)
1444
01:15:42,941 --> 01:15:45,596
DEADPOOL:Seriously, I don't get it!
1445
01:15:45,640 --> 01:15:48,120
What, you shoot luck lasers
out of your eyes?
1446
01:15:50,297 --> 01:15:52,124
It's just
it's hard to picture.
1447
01:15:52,168 --> 01:15:54,257
And certainly
not very cinematic.
1448
01:15:56,955 --> 01:15:58,566
I mean, luck?
1449
01:15:58,609 --> 01:16:01,177
What coked out,
glass pipe-sucking
1450
01:16:01,221 --> 01:16:02,570
freakshow comic book artist...
1451
01:16:02,613 --> 01:16:04,267
came up
with that little chestnut?
1452
01:16:04,311 --> 01:16:06,574
Probably a guy
who can't draw feet!
1453
01:16:17,672 --> 01:16:20,979
Once again, it all falls
on my shoulders.
1454
01:16:21,023 --> 01:16:22,261
It's why I'm cursed to be
a solo act.
1455
01:16:22,285 --> 01:16:23,306
- Wander the Earth...
- I'm in.
1456
01:16:23,330 --> 01:16:24,853
I'm sorry, what did you say?
1457
01:16:24,896 --> 01:16:26,028
I'm in.
1458
01:16:26,071 --> 01:16:27,943
How in the fuck
are you in already?
1459
01:16:28,378 --> 01:16:30,206
Oh, shit.
1460
01:16:30,250 --> 01:16:31,468
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
1461
01:16:31,512 --> 01:16:32,643
DEADPOOL: Okay.
1462
01:16:32,687 --> 01:16:35,124
New plan. Use all of your
imaginary powers
1463
01:16:35,167 --> 01:16:37,909
to stop Cable
from killing that kid.
1464
01:16:37,953 --> 01:16:39,563
I'm coming up on your six.
1465
01:16:47,832 --> 01:16:49,878
That gun is amazing!
1466
01:16:49,921 --> 01:16:52,010
- (GRUNTS)
- (TYRES SCREECHING)
1467
01:16:59,017 --> 01:17:01,063
MAN: Hey! Asshole!
1468
01:17:01,106 --> 01:17:02,717
DOMINO: Where is he?
I can't see him.
1469
01:17:02,760 --> 01:17:04,501
DEADPOOL: He's on top of you.
1470
01:17:04,545 --> 01:17:06,416
He's tearing you open!
1471
01:17:06,460 --> 01:17:08,375
He's going in
through the back!
1472
01:17:08,418 --> 01:17:09,550
Oh, God, he's inside!
1473
01:17:09,593 --> 01:17:10,899
You hear yourself, right?
1474
01:17:10,942 --> 01:17:12,398
DEADPOOL:Accidental double entendres!
1475
01:17:12,422 --> 01:17:14,946
Russell! Russell Collins!
1476
01:17:14,990 --> 01:17:16,905
DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid,
John Connor!
1477
01:17:21,910 --> 01:17:22,911
No, no, no!
1478
01:17:27,263 --> 01:17:28,351
Shit!
1479
01:17:29,091 --> 01:17:30,092
(PRISONER SCREAMING)
1480
01:17:32,007 --> 01:17:33,008
(GRUNTS)
1481
01:17:40,842 --> 01:17:41,843
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1482
01:17:50,330 --> 01:17:52,244
DEADPOOL:
Two can play that game!
1483
01:17:54,377 --> 01:17:56,205
Got it! No, I don't.
1484
01:17:57,206 --> 01:17:58,250
Showtime, mama!
1485
01:17:58,294 --> 01:17:59,904
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
1486
01:18:08,217 --> 01:18:09,349
(GUN CLICKS)
1487
01:18:15,920 --> 01:18:16,921
(GROANS)
1488
01:18:33,416 --> 01:18:34,416
(HORNS HONKING)
1489
01:18:35,244 --> 01:18:36,245
(DOMINO GRUNTING)
1490
01:18:37,725 --> 01:18:39,529
I'd ask who you are,
but you'll be dead in a second.
1491
01:18:39,553 --> 01:18:41,642
I'm Domino, and doubtful.
1492
01:18:41,685 --> 01:18:43,165
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1493
01:18:58,223 --> 01:18:59,224
Hang in there, Doms!
1494
01:19:00,530 --> 01:19:02,227
Oh, this is really hard.
1495
01:19:02,271 --> 01:19:03,446
(TYRES SCREECHING)
1496
01:19:13,369 --> 01:19:14,457
(GUNSHOT)
1497
01:19:14,501 --> 01:19:15,901
And give me back
my Skee-Ball token.
1498
01:19:19,419 --> 01:19:20,942
- You're doing great.
- X-Force.
1499
01:19:22,900 --> 01:19:24,946
I guess dubstep never dies.
1500
01:19:24,989 --> 01:19:26,556
(♫ "BANGARANG" PLAYING ♫)
1501
01:19:29,211 --> 01:19:30,255
Whoo!
1502
01:19:31,474 --> 01:19:32,606
(LAUGHING)
1503
01:19:34,521 --> 01:19:35,826
(BLACK TOM GROANS)
1504
01:19:35,870 --> 01:19:37,219
(DEADPOOL GASPS)
1505
01:19:37,262 --> 01:19:39,917
You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a bitch!
1506
01:19:40,918 --> 01:19:41,963
(GROWLS)
1507
01:19:42,703 --> 01:19:43,834
That's unfortunate.
1508
01:19:46,968 --> 01:19:48,360
We got no brakes!
1509
01:19:48,404 --> 01:19:49,623
(STRAINING)
Figure it out!
1510
01:19:50,537 --> 01:19:51,799
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1511
01:19:54,018 --> 01:19:55,542
There's nothing I can't kill.
1512
01:19:58,370 --> 01:20:00,895
Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin
used to say...
1513
01:20:00,938 --> 01:20:03,288
"There's a first time
for everything, son."
1514
01:20:04,986 --> 01:20:06,553
Give me your best shot,
One-Eyed Willy.
1515
01:20:19,043 --> 01:20:21,393
(PANTING)
1516
01:20:21,437 --> 01:20:23,352
Those bullets were, like,
super fast.
1517
01:20:23,918 --> 01:20:24,919
Here we go.
1518
01:20:26,007 --> 01:20:28,270
Domino, mind slowing us down?
1519
01:20:28,313 --> 01:20:30,446
(SIGHS) Here goes nothing.
1520
01:20:30,490 --> 01:20:31,752
(HORN HONKING)
1521
01:20:33,623 --> 01:20:35,103
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1522
01:20:38,454 --> 01:20:39,934
(HONKING)
1523
01:21:01,608 --> 01:21:03,348
MAN: Knock, knock.
1524
01:21:09,877 --> 01:21:10,921
That's my boy.
1525
01:21:10,965 --> 01:21:12,270
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1526
01:21:17,319 --> 01:21:18,538
Holy...
1527
01:21:18,581 --> 01:21:19,582
(GRUNTS)
1528
01:21:23,412 --> 01:21:24,805
(♫ "ONLY TIME" PLAYING ♫)
1529
01:21:27,198 --> 01:21:28,722
(YELLING)
1530
01:21:28,765 --> 01:21:30,419
DEADPOOL:I'll be first to admit...
1531
01:21:30,462 --> 01:21:32,813
this did not go
according to plan.
1532
01:21:34,162 --> 01:21:35,729
I'll also be the first
to admit that
1533
01:21:35,772 --> 01:21:37,644
that plan was
written in crayon.
1534
01:21:37,687 --> 01:21:40,951
Looks like Russell found
a new friend. Jelly.
1535
01:21:40,995 --> 01:21:42,605
Turns out Domino's
a bit of a badass,
1536
01:21:42,649 --> 01:21:45,565
and maybe,
possibly mildly lucky.
1537
01:21:45,608 --> 01:21:48,872
But Cable? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.
1538
01:21:48,916 --> 01:21:50,134
(CHUCKLES) A mood that is
1539
01:21:50,178 --> 01:21:51,962
about to get
significantly worse.
1540
01:21:53,616 --> 01:21:54,617
(SQUEAKS)
1541
01:21:58,316 --> 01:21:59,448
(SIGHS)
1542
01:22:11,939 --> 01:22:13,767
(GROANS)
1543
01:22:15,725 --> 01:22:18,162
Something is so terribly,
terribly wrong.
1544
01:22:21,122 --> 01:22:22,602
- Oh.
- (NECK SNAPS)
1545
01:22:23,037 --> 01:22:24,342
(GROANS)
1546
01:22:24,386 --> 01:22:26,040
Oh, God, that hurt.
1547
01:22:26,083 --> 01:22:27,694
Suck it, Mel Gibson.
1548
01:22:28,259 --> 01:22:29,609
(GROANING)
1549
01:22:31,262 --> 01:22:32,350
Russell.
1550
01:22:35,049 --> 01:22:36,137
Russell!
1551
01:22:36,746 --> 01:22:38,835
Russ, where are ya?
1552
01:22:42,491 --> 01:22:44,667
Russell. Russell, you're okay!
1553
01:22:44,711 --> 01:22:48,149
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God!
1554
01:22:48,192 --> 01:22:49,541
Juggernaut!
1555
01:22:49,585 --> 01:22:50,673
(GASPS)
1556
01:22:50,717 --> 01:22:52,762
I thought that was you!
1557
01:22:52,806 --> 01:22:55,635
I should've worn
my white pants.
1558
01:22:55,678 --> 01:22:59,508
You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.
1559
01:22:59,551 --> 01:23:02,859
Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411.
1560
01:23:02,903 --> 01:23:04,252
X-Men Unlimited 12.
1561
01:23:04,295 --> 01:23:06,428
You know, it has always been
a dream of mine...
1562
01:23:06,471 --> 01:23:08,256
to see my face
reflected in your helmet...
1563
01:23:08,299 --> 01:23:10,519
as you charge at me
with murderous intent.
1564
01:23:10,562 --> 01:23:12,347
I don't mean right now.
1565
01:23:12,390 --> 01:23:14,305
I'm gonna rip you
in half now.
1566
01:23:14,349 --> 01:23:16,699
(LAUGHS) That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.
1567
01:23:16,743 --> 01:23:18,092
(DEADPOOL SCREAMING)
1568
01:23:20,747 --> 01:23:24,794
Oh, my God!
I can't feel my legs.
1569
01:23:24,838 --> 01:23:25,926
I can't feel...
1570
01:23:26,883 --> 01:23:28,406
Oh, no, they're right here.
1571
01:23:29,233 --> 01:23:31,018
Got 'em.
God, Russell.
1572
01:23:31,061 --> 01:23:33,411
I have a mission.
1573
01:23:33,455 --> 01:23:35,022
To get my revenge.
1574
01:23:35,065 --> 01:23:37,372
I'm going to burn
that headmaster alive.
1575
01:23:37,415 --> 01:23:39,635
You're not the revenge type.
1576
01:23:39,679 --> 01:23:41,202
Take it from a friend.
1577
01:23:41,245 --> 01:23:45,075
Friend? You were sick,
and I protected you.
1578
01:23:45,119 --> 01:23:47,295
You said it yourself.
1579
01:23:47,338 --> 01:23:50,037
"I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger."
1580
01:23:50,080 --> 01:23:51,516
So I did.
1581
01:23:51,560 --> 01:23:52,996
(GRUNTS)
1582
01:23:53,040 --> 01:23:55,216
Russell, I couldn't
protect you back then.
1583
01:23:55,259 --> 01:23:59,263
But I can now. What do you
want me to say, huh?
1584
01:23:59,307 --> 01:24:01,178
"I care about you"?
'Cause goddamn it,
1585
01:24:01,222 --> 01:24:03,659
I care about you, Russell.
1586
01:24:03,703 --> 01:24:05,792
What's Juggernaut got
that I don't have?
1587
01:24:05,835 --> 01:24:09,534
Don't you say legs!
I know you're gonna say legs!
1588
01:24:09,578 --> 01:24:12,363
- Legs!
- Still hurts to hear out loud!
1589
01:24:14,539 --> 01:24:17,499
What is that?
That's not a real rope!
1590
01:24:17,542 --> 01:24:19,849
- You get back here, young man!
- (SIRENS WAILING)
1591
01:24:20,807 --> 01:24:22,286
Doms!
1592
01:24:22,330 --> 01:24:24,549
Doms, get me
out of here, please.
1593
01:24:24,593 --> 01:24:26,987
Use my arms
as backpack straps.
1594
01:24:29,729 --> 01:24:30,817
I think we may have found
1595
01:24:30,860 --> 01:24:33,036
your cosmic reason
for being here.
1596
01:24:33,080 --> 01:24:34,864
I'm pretty sure
this isn't it.
1597
01:24:34,908 --> 01:24:36,170
DEADPOOL: X-Force.
1598
01:24:49,705 --> 01:24:51,533
BLIND AL:No child is hopeless.
1599
01:24:51,576 --> 01:24:55,058
- Don't give up on the boy.
- How could he just walk away?
1600
01:24:55,102 --> 01:24:57,800
It was the coldness
in his eyes.
1601
01:24:57,844 --> 01:24:59,410
You should've heard it.
1602
01:25:00,194 --> 01:25:01,282
(WADE SIGHS)
1603
01:25:01,325 --> 01:25:03,632
I guess family
really is an F-word.
1604
01:25:04,546 --> 01:25:06,766
(GROANS) Rub my legs, Mama.
1605
01:25:06,809 --> 01:25:08,202
Why would I
rub your legs?
1606
01:25:08,245 --> 01:25:11,161
Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.
1607
01:25:11,205 --> 01:25:12,554
(BLIND AL SIGHS)
1608
01:25:14,295 --> 01:25:15,949
What in the...
1609
01:25:15,992 --> 01:25:18,734
Why is your hand
so tiny again?
1610
01:25:18,778 --> 01:25:20,605
That's not my hand.
1611
01:25:20,649 --> 01:25:22,999
Oh! Mary,
mother of Joseph!
1612
01:25:23,043 --> 01:25:24,958
- That was nice for me.
- (DOOR OPENS)
1613
01:25:25,001 --> 01:25:27,830
Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and...
1614
01:25:27,874 --> 01:25:28,875
(GASPS)
1615
01:25:30,528 --> 01:25:32,226
(WEASEL RETCHES)
1616
01:25:32,269 --> 01:25:34,576
Why wouldn't you
cover that up?
1617
01:25:34,619 --> 01:25:36,839
A warrior has nothing
to be ashamed of.
1618
01:25:36,883 --> 01:25:38,841
WEASEL: Yeah, but you do.
Look at you.
1619
01:25:38,885 --> 01:25:40,887
You're just
straight shirt-cocking it,
1620
01:25:40,930 --> 01:25:42,410
toddler-style.
1621
01:25:42,453 --> 01:25:44,412
Oh, yeah.
Full Winnie the Pooh.
1622
01:25:44,455 --> 01:25:46,457
The hell's happening?
Describe it.
1623
01:25:46,501 --> 01:25:47,783
I wouldn't ask him to do that,
if I were you.
1624
01:25:47,807 --> 01:25:49,417
- WEASEL: It's like, um...
- Here we go.
1625
01:25:49,460 --> 01:25:50,742
It's like he was
giving birth anally,
1626
01:25:50,766 --> 01:25:52,289
but they quit halfway through.
1627
01:25:52,333 --> 01:25:53,484
They got the legs out,
and they said,
1628
01:25:53,508 --> 01:25:54,857
"You know what, I'm done."
1629
01:25:54,901 --> 01:25:56,163
Happy?
1630
01:25:56,206 --> 01:25:57,314
It's like he's a Muppet
from the waist down.
1631
01:25:57,338 --> 01:25:58,513
But this time, you can see
1632
01:25:58,556 --> 01:25:59,993
- the Muppet's dick.
- (DOOR OPENS)
1633
01:26:00,036 --> 01:26:01,559
Grover's got a cock
the size of a twig.
1634
01:26:01,603 --> 01:26:02,798
DOPINDER: Mr. Weasel, I can
no longer be double-parked.
1635
01:26:02,822 --> 01:26:04,422
I've had three tickets already.
(SCREAMS)
1636
01:26:05,912 --> 01:26:08,697
No, no, no, DP,
not again!
1637
01:26:08,740 --> 01:26:11,352
- This has happened before?
- (DOPINDER RETCHING)
1638
01:26:11,395 --> 01:26:12,895
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Jesus! Either vomit or don't.
1639
01:26:12,919 --> 01:26:14,224
The indecision is killing me.
1640
01:26:14,268 --> 01:26:16,139
Why couldn't God
take my hearing?
1641
01:26:17,749 --> 01:26:19,926
Oh. Wow!
1642
01:26:19,969 --> 01:26:21,666
Cool your pits.
They're growing back.
1643
01:26:21,710 --> 01:26:23,668
I'm talking about your face.
1644
01:26:23,712 --> 01:26:25,627
I've never seen you
without your mask before.
1645
01:26:25,670 --> 01:26:27,890
- Jesus Christ!
- Looks like an avocado.
1646
01:26:27,934 --> 01:26:29,849
DOMINO: Your legs, though,
they're cute.
1647
01:26:29,892 --> 01:26:31,676
You wanna borrow
a pair of pants?
1648
01:26:33,243 --> 01:26:34,854
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
1649
01:26:34,897 --> 01:26:37,595
You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.
1650
01:26:37,639 --> 01:26:39,249
I'll tell you why I'm here.
1651
01:26:39,293 --> 01:26:41,643
"The Time Traveler's Wife's"
husband...
1652
01:26:41,686 --> 01:26:42,925
beat me within
an inch of my life.
1653
01:26:42,949 --> 01:26:44,298
He was torturing me!
1654
01:26:44,341 --> 01:26:47,214
But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.
1655
01:26:47,257 --> 01:26:49,912
So, I'm here
to help us gear up.
1656
01:26:49,956 --> 01:26:51,107
So we can go after him
without me.
1657
01:26:51,131 --> 01:26:52,523
WADE: No!
1658
01:26:52,567 --> 01:26:53,916
I'm doing this alone.
1659
01:26:53,960 --> 01:26:55,091
The Juggernaut
1660
01:26:55,135 --> 01:26:56,571
- will kill you all.
- Fair enough.
1661
01:26:56,614 --> 01:26:58,505
WADE: I just need a couple of
hours to get some legs
1662
01:26:58,529 --> 01:26:59,661
- under me.
- What will you do?
1663
01:26:59,704 --> 01:27:01,030
WADE: I don't care
what the kid did to me.
1664
01:27:01,054 --> 01:27:02,403
I ain't letting Cable
get to him,
1665
01:27:02,446 --> 01:27:03,815
even if I have to
teabag him to death.
1666
01:27:03,839 --> 01:27:05,885
It's really just a sip of tea
at this point.
1667
01:27:05,928 --> 01:27:07,712
Zip it, black Black Widow!
I'm flowing.
1668
01:27:07,756 --> 01:27:08,820
The first order
of business is
1669
01:27:08,844 --> 01:27:10,237
to get me in front of Cable...
1670
01:27:10,280 --> 01:27:11,692
so I can pull all the fucking
blood out of his body...
1671
01:27:11,716 --> 01:27:14,067
and fashion his bones
into holiday jewelry.
1672
01:27:14,110 --> 01:27:15,938
Then,
I'm gonna take his skin...
1673
01:27:15,982 --> 01:27:19,028
and stretch it out
over a homemade mating drum.
1674
01:27:20,638 --> 01:27:22,238
He's standing right
behind you, isn't he?
1675
01:27:25,643 --> 01:27:26,644
(COCKS GUN)
1676
01:27:30,910 --> 01:27:32,912
What in the ass?
1677
01:27:32,955 --> 01:27:36,263
Is this apartment listed
on Tinder? Grindr?
1678
01:27:36,306 --> 01:27:39,353
You picked the wrong shithole
to fuck, future boy.
1679
01:27:39,396 --> 01:27:41,921
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
1680
01:27:44,184 --> 01:27:46,969
No. It's his
"Basic Instinct."
1681
01:27:47,013 --> 01:27:48,753
What can we help you with?
1682
01:27:48,797 --> 01:27:50,451
I'm here to proposition you.
1683
01:27:51,974 --> 01:27:53,062
(LAUGHS) Oh, boy!
1684
01:27:53,106 --> 01:27:54,170
He's really teeing it up,
isn't he?
1685
01:27:54,194 --> 01:27:56,326
Who gets to make
the first joke?
1686
01:27:56,370 --> 01:27:57,738
I think we should all do it
at the same time.
1687
01:27:57,762 --> 01:27:58,807
Good call.
1688
01:27:58,850 --> 01:28:00,417
For $45, you get sucky-suck.
1689
01:28:00,461 --> 01:28:01,699
BOTH: I only do over
the pants, mouth stuff.
1690
01:28:01,723 --> 01:28:02,854
Fuck!
1691
01:28:02,898 --> 01:28:04,006
The Proposition
has a wonderful
1692
01:28:04,030 --> 01:28:05,335
Guy Pearce performance.
1693
01:28:05,379 --> 01:28:07,139
WADE: Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.
1694
01:28:07,163 --> 01:28:09,774
- Give us the line again.
- I need your help!
1695
01:28:09,818 --> 01:28:12,125
Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are...
1696
01:28:12,168 --> 01:28:15,302
but you unleashed
the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
1697
01:28:15,345 --> 01:28:17,739
I can't bring him down alone.
1698
01:28:17,782 --> 01:28:19,306
So here we are.
1699
01:28:20,655 --> 01:28:22,439
We're no longer
accepting applications
1700
01:28:22,483 --> 01:28:23,919
for X-Force, unfortunately.
1701
01:28:23,963 --> 01:28:25,399
Even if we were...
1702
01:28:25,442 --> 01:28:27,116
there's a wind advisory
in effect until at least...
1703
01:28:27,140 --> 01:28:28,402
We don't have a lot of time.
1704
01:28:28,445 --> 01:28:30,186
Your friend's about
to make his first kill.
1705
01:28:30,230 --> 01:28:31,753
No offense,
but if you know so much...
1706
01:28:31,796 --> 01:28:34,669
why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?
1707
01:28:34,712 --> 01:28:35,776
Or better yet, head back
a little further,
1708
01:28:35,800 --> 01:28:36,888
kill baby Hitler.
1709
01:28:36,932 --> 01:28:38,890
I use a device
to slide through time.
1710
01:28:38,934 --> 01:28:41,589
The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.
1711
01:28:41,632 --> 01:28:44,244
I got two charges:
one to get me here,
1712
01:28:44,287 --> 01:28:45,462
one to get me home.
1713
01:28:45,506 --> 01:28:46,681
Well.
1714
01:28:46,724 --> 01:28:48,639
That's just lazy writing.
1715
01:28:48,683 --> 01:28:49,965
Your boy's
gonna kill the headmaster
1716
01:28:49,989 --> 01:28:51,555
of the orphanage tonight.
1717
01:28:51,599 --> 01:28:53,731
After that,
he gets a real taste for it.
1718
01:28:53,775 --> 01:28:56,517
Like 10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!
1719
01:28:56,560 --> 01:28:58,562
So he keeps killing...
1720
01:28:58,606 --> 01:29:00,086
and killing, and killing,
1721
01:29:00,129 --> 01:29:01,652
- and killing.
- (GUNS COCKING)
1722
01:29:01,696 --> 01:29:04,916
Until one day, he kills
the wrong fucking people.
1723
01:29:07,484 --> 01:29:08,877
My people.
1724
01:29:12,794 --> 01:29:14,056
Relax.
1725
01:29:14,100 --> 01:29:16,493
I'm retrieving something
from my utility bag.
1726
01:29:16,537 --> 01:29:19,105
It's a goddamn fanny pack...
1727
01:29:19,148 --> 01:29:21,759
and you know it,
you sick son of a bitch!
1728
01:29:21,803 --> 01:29:23,457
The difference
is night and day.
1729
01:29:25,285 --> 01:29:27,548
You remind me of my wife.
1730
01:29:27,591 --> 01:29:29,071
I'm sorry.
1731
01:29:29,115 --> 01:29:30,222
I said, "You remind me
of my wife."
1732
01:29:30,246 --> 01:29:31,606
No, I'm sorry
that you said that...
1733
01:29:31,639 --> 01:29:34,424
while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.
1734
01:29:34,468 --> 01:29:35,643
CABLE: She always struggled.
1735
01:29:36,774 --> 01:29:38,211
But she was funny...
1736
01:29:38,254 --> 01:29:41,605
and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.
1737
01:29:41,649 --> 01:29:43,868
Something I could
never master.
1738
01:29:44,782 --> 01:29:47,002
It was my fault she died.
1739
01:29:48,612 --> 01:29:52,268
It was my job
to stop people like him.
1740
01:29:52,312 --> 01:29:54,270
- I came close a few times.
- (♫ "TOMORROW" PLAYING ♫)
1741
01:29:58,492 --> 01:30:00,146
He wasn't too happy
about that.
1742
01:30:01,886 --> 01:30:03,062
He was trying to hurt me...
1743
01:30:03,105 --> 01:30:05,064
and he knew exactly
how to do it.
1744
01:30:09,111 --> 01:30:10,808
OLDER RUSSELL:
Blessed are the wicked
1745
01:30:10,852 --> 01:30:12,419
who are healed by my hand.
1746
01:30:15,552 --> 01:30:17,902
CABLE:He came into my home...
1747
01:30:17,946 --> 01:30:20,818
and took the only thing
that made it a home.
1748
01:30:25,040 --> 01:30:26,389
Sound familiar?
1749
01:30:27,434 --> 01:30:29,088
- I'm sorry.
- Uh-huh.
1750
01:30:29,131 --> 01:30:30,785
No, I'm really sorry.
1751
01:30:33,004 --> 01:30:35,137
But that isn't Russell.
1752
01:30:35,181 --> 01:30:37,115
- It doesn't have to be him.
- If you knew what I knew...
1753
01:30:37,139 --> 01:30:39,141
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
1754
01:30:39,185 --> 01:30:40,751
maybe a small
learning disability...
1755
01:30:40,795 --> 01:30:42,188
splash of diabetes...
1756
01:30:42,231 --> 01:30:43,580
but nothing
that can't be fixed.
1757
01:30:43,624 --> 01:30:45,278
If you could go back...
1758
01:30:45,321 --> 01:30:48,019
and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?
1759
01:30:48,281 --> 01:30:49,543
No.
1760
01:30:49,586 --> 01:30:51,327
I'd buy them all
a bouquet of hand jobs.
1761
01:30:51,371 --> 01:30:53,112
Of course I fucking would!
1762
01:30:53,895 --> 01:30:55,026
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
1763
01:30:55,070 --> 01:30:57,116
I'm not asking you
to kill a kid!
1764
01:30:57,159 --> 01:30:58,726
I'll kill the kid.
1765
01:30:58,769 --> 01:31:02,251
I'm asking you to save
hundreds of other kids.
1766
01:31:02,295 --> 01:31:04,645
Russell's gonna burn down
that orphanage.
1767
01:31:04,688 --> 01:31:06,734
And I can imagine
your dead girlfriend...
1768
01:31:06,777 --> 01:31:09,040
would want you to do
the right thing, wouldn't she?
1769
01:31:10,041 --> 01:31:13,219
So, what's it gonna be,
handsome?
1770
01:31:13,262 --> 01:31:15,003
Give me a chance to save him.
1771
01:31:15,046 --> 01:31:16,483
- What?
- You said...
1772
01:31:16,526 --> 01:31:18,200
once he kills someone,
he gets a taste for it.
1773
01:31:18,224 --> 01:31:20,574
If we can get to him
before that happens...
1774
01:31:20,617 --> 01:31:22,271
promise you'll give me
a chance
1775
01:31:22,315 --> 01:31:24,186
to put him
on a different path.
1776
01:31:24,230 --> 01:31:25,405
Define "chance."
1777
01:31:25,448 --> 01:31:26,686
I don't know.
How long does it take
1778
01:31:26,710 --> 01:31:28,079
to save someone's soul?
That's not...
1779
01:31:28,103 --> 01:31:29,365
I'll give you 30 seconds.
1780
01:31:29,409 --> 01:31:31,454
- What? No!
- Best I can do.
1781
01:31:31,498 --> 01:31:32,803
Take it or leave it.
1782
01:31:43,249 --> 01:31:44,728
- (CABLE GROANS)
- WEASEL: He's doing it!
1783
01:31:44,772 --> 01:31:46,382
Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.
1784
01:31:46,426 --> 01:31:48,384
- (RETCHES)
- There he goes.
1785
01:31:48,428 --> 01:31:49,907
CABLE: Jesus Christ!
1786
01:31:49,951 --> 01:31:51,431
WEASEL: Just shirt-cocking it.
1787
01:31:51,474 --> 01:31:53,389
Ugh.
1788
01:31:53,433 --> 01:31:54,793
WEASEL:
There you go, little fella.
1789
01:31:55,522 --> 01:31:57,219
Go on, you're doing it!
1790
01:31:57,263 --> 01:32:00,135
My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.
1791
01:32:02,311 --> 01:32:03,443
DOMINO: Christ!
1792
01:32:03,486 --> 01:32:05,184
That's disturbing.
1793
01:32:05,227 --> 01:32:06,620
30 seconds.
1794
01:32:12,016 --> 01:32:13,496
- Deal.
- Deal.
1795
01:32:16,499 --> 01:32:18,284
(FARTING)
1796
01:32:19,937 --> 01:32:23,027
Man, that sucks they didn't
have anything in your size.
1797
01:32:23,071 --> 01:32:25,073
I really wanted to match,
you know?
1798
01:32:25,116 --> 01:32:27,162
- Being a menacing team.
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
1799
01:32:27,206 --> 01:32:28,381
Oh, man, it sucks.
1800
01:32:28,424 --> 01:32:30,296
That was some
cold-ass shit, kid.
1801
01:32:31,688 --> 01:32:34,256
DEADPOOL: And that is just
the first five steps
1802
01:32:34,300 --> 01:32:35,997
to a prostate-assisted orgasm.
1803
01:32:36,911 --> 01:32:38,347
Where the hell
are we going?
1804
01:32:38,391 --> 01:32:39,740
DEADPOOL:
You said it yourself.
1805
01:32:39,783 --> 01:32:42,699
Nothing can stop the Juggernaut.
We need backup.
1806
01:32:42,743 --> 01:32:45,702
I will bathe in the blood
of your enemies.
1807
01:32:45,746 --> 01:32:47,878
(♫ BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING
ON RADIO ♫)
1808
01:32:49,837 --> 01:32:51,447
Can you turn off the music?
1809
01:32:52,448 --> 01:32:54,581
You'll do no such thing.
1810
01:32:54,624 --> 01:32:56,496
Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?
1811
01:32:56,539 --> 01:32:58,280
- I'm sorry?
- Apology accepted.
1812
01:32:58,324 --> 01:33:00,413
This is a side of you
I do not like.
1813
01:33:00,456 --> 01:33:01,805
Let me guess,
1814
01:33:01,849 --> 01:33:03,348
some of your best friends
in the future are Indian.
1815
01:33:03,372 --> 01:33:04,634
What the hell are you...?
1816
01:33:04,678 --> 01:33:06,549
Once again, intolerance rears
its ugly head.
1817
01:33:06,593 --> 01:33:07,898
I am so sorry.
It gets better.
1818
01:33:07,942 --> 01:33:09,509
I'm not a fucking racist,
moron!
1819
01:33:09,552 --> 01:33:11,598
That's precisely
what a racist would say.
1820
01:33:11,641 --> 01:33:13,295
I'm with the old white guy
on this one.
1821
01:33:13,339 --> 01:33:14,601
And that's a twist.
1822
01:33:14,644 --> 01:33:16,167
When this is over...
1823
01:33:16,211 --> 01:33:18,102
I'm going to fuck you to death
with your own broken feet.
1824
01:33:18,126 --> 01:33:20,302
And a sexual predator, too.
That's rich.
1825
01:33:20,346 --> 01:33:21,738
I should have
finished college.
1826
01:33:21,782 --> 01:33:22,933
DEADPOOL:
So what exactly do you
1827
01:33:22,957 --> 01:33:24,021
do in the future, anyway, huh?
1828
01:33:24,045 --> 01:33:25,307
Some kind of soldier?
1829
01:33:25,351 --> 01:33:27,178
Yeah, something like that.
1830
01:33:27,222 --> 01:33:29,398
DEADPOOL:
I was a soldier. Special Forces.
1831
01:33:29,442 --> 01:33:32,140
I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.
1832
01:33:32,183 --> 01:33:34,185
50 years from now,
you're very dead.
1833
01:33:34,229 --> 01:33:36,623
Your entire generation fucked
this planet into a coma.
1834
01:33:36,666 --> 01:33:38,277
Boom! (IMITATES EXPLOSION)
1835
01:33:38,320 --> 01:33:39,582
Spoiler alert.
1836
01:33:39,626 --> 01:33:40,757
(SNICKERS)
1837
01:33:40,801 --> 01:33:42,150
(SIGHS) Planets.
1838
01:33:42,193 --> 01:33:43,760
Next time, Uber.
1839
01:33:43,804 --> 01:33:45,109
Here's a spoiler alert.
1840
01:33:46,285 --> 01:33:48,243
You're not a fucking hero.
1841
01:33:48,287 --> 01:33:52,334
You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.
1842
01:33:52,378 --> 01:33:53,572
DEADPOOL:
Well, I got news for you.
1843
01:33:53,596 --> 01:33:54,945
My heart
is in the right place.
1844
01:33:54,989 --> 01:33:56,512
Russell's not
gonna kill anyone.
1845
01:33:56,556 --> 01:33:58,534
Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.
1846
01:33:58,558 --> 01:33:59,646
We're all going to die.
1847
01:33:59,689 --> 01:34:00,951
Because of you,
I'll always know
1848
01:34:00,995 --> 01:34:02,953
what a grown man
with baby balls looks like.
1849
01:34:02,997 --> 01:34:05,391
I'm a grower, not a shower.
1850
01:34:05,434 --> 01:34:06,609
God, I wish this were a bus
1851
01:34:06,653 --> 01:34:07,847
where I could pull
the string and get out.
1852
01:34:07,871 --> 01:34:09,525
It's a good thing
Cable's not driving,
1853
01:34:09,569 --> 01:34:10,787
or you'd be in the back.
1854
01:34:10,831 --> 01:34:13,181
- I am in the back.
- DEADPOOL: Right here!
1855
01:34:13,224 --> 01:34:14,487
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1856
01:34:15,836 --> 01:34:17,620
(♫ "IN YOUR EYES"
PLAYING ON BOOM BOX ♫)
1857
01:34:28,979 --> 01:34:30,241
(GROANS)
1858
01:34:31,330 --> 01:34:33,375
DEADPOOL: I made mistakes!
1859
01:34:33,419 --> 01:34:35,116
I wanna take them back!
1860
01:34:35,159 --> 01:34:38,119
You trusted me.
I took that trust...
1861
01:34:38,162 --> 01:34:39,599
and turned it
into a glory hole
1862
01:34:39,642 --> 01:34:41,209
in an airport bathroom.
1863
01:34:41,252 --> 01:34:44,517
The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.
1864
01:34:44,560 --> 01:34:47,171
But even you know I'm not
a complete piece of shit.
1865
01:34:47,215 --> 01:34:48,738
I was once an X-Man.
1866
01:34:48,782 --> 01:34:49,826
Trainee!
1867
01:34:50,914 --> 01:34:52,089
(MUSIC STOPS)
1868
01:34:54,483 --> 01:34:57,051
You're still using
my Velcro labels. Aw.
1869
01:34:57,094 --> 01:34:58,705
They do stick better
than tape.
1870
01:34:58,748 --> 01:34:59,793
Hi, Wade!
1871
01:34:59,836 --> 01:35:01,272
Please don't.
1872
01:35:01,316 --> 01:35:03,710
Say whatever it is you're here
to say. Make it quick.
1873
01:35:03,753 --> 01:35:05,015
Right. Quick.
1874
01:35:05,059 --> 01:35:06,776
It's the kid.
Just like you, I let him down.
1875
01:35:06,800 --> 01:35:08,236
And just like me,
1876
01:35:08,279 --> 01:35:09,431
he's never had anyone
sacrifice anything for him...
1877
01:35:09,455 --> 01:35:10,475
because the whole world
wrote him off
1878
01:35:10,499 --> 01:35:11,935
as a piece of shit
a long time ago.
1879
01:35:11,979 --> 01:35:13,676
Look, he's teamed up
with the Juggernaut!
1880
01:35:13,720 --> 01:35:15,243
(GASPS) The Juggernaut!
1881
01:35:15,286 --> 01:35:17,047
Who's, like, my favorite
Marvel character ever...
1882
01:35:17,071 --> 01:35:19,290
And hi, Yukio! That was really
nice of you to say hi...
1883
01:35:19,334 --> 01:35:20,683
so I'm saying hi back.
1884
01:35:20,727 --> 01:35:22,119
You guys make
a super cute couple.
1885
01:35:22,163 --> 01:35:23,860
Yeah. Where was I?
1886
01:35:23,904 --> 01:35:25,775
Oh, yeah. You should never
meet your heroes...
1887
01:35:25,819 --> 01:35:27,516
because, honestly,
he's a bit of a dick!
1888
01:35:27,560 --> 01:35:29,400
And like a lot of dicks,
he's hard as a rock...
1889
01:35:29,431 --> 01:35:30,824
and causes nothing
but problems!
1890
01:35:30,867 --> 01:35:33,740
Look, you can stop the
Juggernaut. I know you can.
1891
01:35:33,783 --> 01:35:37,004
Do you know what would happen
to me if I helped you?
1892
01:35:37,047 --> 01:35:39,136
I would be disgraced.
1893
01:35:39,180 --> 01:35:41,225
You are a criminal,
a fugitive.
1894
01:35:41,269 --> 01:35:42,792
But worst of all...
1895
01:35:42,836 --> 01:35:44,577
you broke my heart, Wade.
1896
01:35:46,274 --> 01:35:47,493
Then you know what?
1897
01:35:47,536 --> 01:35:49,136
Your heart's in
the wrong place, big guy.
1898
01:35:50,191 --> 01:35:52,889
Doing the right thing
is sometimes messy...
1899
01:35:52,933 --> 01:35:56,327
and fucked up, and not
particularly convenient!
1900
01:35:56,371 --> 01:35:59,461
So stay here
in Chateau de Virgin...
1901
01:35:59,505 --> 01:36:01,637
while we go get our fuck on!
1902
01:36:04,814 --> 01:36:06,207
DOMINO: You're doing great.
1903
01:36:08,862 --> 01:36:10,254
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES)
- (ENGINE STARTS)
1904
01:36:11,865 --> 01:36:13,408
RUSSELL: So you wear
that helmet because
1905
01:36:13,432 --> 01:36:15,172
your brother
tries to read your mind?
1906
01:36:15,216 --> 01:36:18,480
JUGGERNAUT: Yeah, but he's in
a wheelchair, so even-steven.
1907
01:36:18,524 --> 01:36:21,004
MAN: Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.
1908
01:36:21,048 --> 01:36:23,006
And he's not alone.
1909
01:36:23,050 --> 01:36:24,704
HEADMASTER:
Secure the children.
1910
01:36:27,141 --> 01:36:29,883
They will not replace us.
1911
01:36:29,926 --> 01:36:32,712
What do you say
we go fuck some shit up?
1912
01:36:32,755 --> 01:36:36,585
"Let's fuck some shit up"
is my legal middle name.
1913
01:36:39,936 --> 01:36:42,548
Watch my back.
I've got the old man.
1914
01:36:42,591 --> 01:36:44,158
Amen, brother.
1915
01:36:45,725 --> 01:36:47,030
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1916
01:36:50,686 --> 01:36:52,340
Time to make the chimichangas.
1917
01:36:52,383 --> 01:36:54,560
30 seconds.
1918
01:36:54,603 --> 01:36:57,127
I finally know why I'm here.
1919
01:36:57,171 --> 01:36:59,129
I was raised in this place.
1920
01:36:59,173 --> 01:37:01,436
Well, not raised.
I was tortured.
1921
01:37:01,480 --> 01:37:04,352
Wow! It's your cosmic reason
for being here.
1922
01:37:04,395 --> 01:37:05,701
- Shall we?
- This is gonna be fun.
1923
01:37:05,745 --> 01:37:06,833
DEADPOOL: Yeah!
1924
01:37:06,876 --> 01:37:08,269
Hey! Been meaning
to ask you...
1925
01:37:08,312 --> 01:37:11,577
what's with the dirty,
disgusting hobo bear?
1926
01:37:11,620 --> 01:37:14,797
It's not dirt. It's the blood
of my dead daughter.
1927
01:37:14,841 --> 01:37:17,539
Are You Bear, God?
It's Me, Margaret.
1928
01:37:17,583 --> 01:37:19,019
Give me some.
1929
01:37:19,062 --> 01:37:20,629
They say
laughter heals anything...
1930
01:37:20,673 --> 01:37:21,804
except, of course, that.
1931
01:37:21,848 --> 01:37:23,066
We should just cue the music.
1932
01:37:24,198 --> 01:37:26,069
(♫ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ♫)
1933
01:37:48,222 --> 01:37:50,920
Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.
1934
01:37:52,139 --> 01:37:53,183
Russell!
1935
01:37:53,227 --> 01:37:56,622
You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!
1936
01:37:56,665 --> 01:37:57,990
Why are you dressed
like the Unabomber?
1937
01:37:58,014 --> 01:37:59,668
(YELLING)
1938
01:38:02,323 --> 01:38:03,585
That's why!
1939
01:38:03,629 --> 01:38:04,954
Told you this little fucker's
too far gone.
1940
01:38:04,978 --> 01:38:06,695
Zip it, Thanos!
We have a deal and you fuck...
1941
01:38:06,719 --> 01:38:09,199
- (GROANS)
- JUGGERNAUT: Hey!
1942
01:38:09,243 --> 01:38:12,376
I'm gonna shove that
cab driver right up your ass.
1943
01:38:13,508 --> 01:38:15,684
My body and my hands
are so soft.
1944
01:38:15,728 --> 01:38:16,966
You should probably
head back to the car.
1945
01:38:16,990 --> 01:38:18,687
I think I'll head
back to the car.
1946
01:38:19,862 --> 01:38:22,561
It works best
when you pull the trigger.
1947
01:38:24,258 --> 01:38:25,433
(GROANS)
1948
01:38:25,476 --> 01:38:26,739
That gun is amazing!
1949
01:38:28,088 --> 01:38:29,306
RUSSELL: Say it!
1950
01:38:31,482 --> 01:38:34,529
You are an abomination!
1951
01:38:34,573 --> 01:38:35,704
(GRUNTS)
1952
01:38:41,797 --> 01:38:45,105
Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.
1953
01:38:45,148 --> 01:38:47,586
I believe him!
Every man for themselves!
1954
01:38:51,938 --> 01:38:53,026
Gotcha!
1955
01:38:53,809 --> 01:38:54,984
JUGGERNAUT: Beat it, midget!
1956
01:38:57,987 --> 01:39:01,077
Hey, big guy,
the sun's getting real low!
1957
01:39:01,121 --> 01:39:02,209
Oh, shit fuck!
1958
01:39:02,775 --> 01:39:04,124
(SCREAMING)
1959
01:39:14,700 --> 01:39:16,049
(JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS)
1960
01:39:16,092 --> 01:39:17,659
Come here, beautiful.
1961
01:39:25,449 --> 01:39:26,581
Whoo!
1962
01:39:35,764 --> 01:39:36,852
RUSSELL: Say it!
1963
01:39:51,954 --> 01:39:53,826
(♫ "IN YOUR EYES" PLAYING ♫)
1964
01:40:54,974 --> 01:40:56,105
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
1965
01:40:58,934 --> 01:41:00,283
(MUMBLES)
1966
01:41:00,327 --> 01:41:01,458
You came for me.
1967
01:41:01,502 --> 01:41:02,938
I'm not giving up on you,
1968
01:41:02,982 --> 01:41:05,114
and you are not
giving up on that boy.
1969
01:41:05,158 --> 01:41:07,203
Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?
1970
01:41:07,247 --> 01:41:09,640
It's time to fight dirty.
1971
01:41:09,684 --> 01:41:11,033
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
1972
01:41:11,077 --> 01:41:13,862
Hey! Pick on someone
your own size!
1973
01:41:13,906 --> 01:41:15,995
That's such
a you thing to say!
1974
01:41:16,038 --> 01:41:17,997
Go get him, tiger!
1975
01:41:18,040 --> 01:41:19,912
Big CGI fight coming up!
1976
01:41:20,913 --> 01:41:22,392
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1977
01:41:22,915 --> 01:41:24,307
(♫ MUSIC PLAYING ♫)
1978
01:41:28,834 --> 01:41:31,053
(GRUNTS)
1979
01:41:31,097 --> 01:41:32,968
- (BOTH GRUNTING)
- (BONE CRACKS)
1980
01:41:33,012 --> 01:41:34,143
(SCREAMS)
1981
01:41:42,978 --> 01:41:44,371
He's doing great.
1982
01:41:44,414 --> 01:41:45,633
RUSSELL: Say it!
1983
01:41:49,811 --> 01:41:51,204
- Russell.
- DEADPOOL: Bingo!
1984
01:41:54,468 --> 01:41:55,730
(GROANING)
1985
01:41:56,600 --> 01:41:58,602
JUGGERNAUT: You see that bus?
1986
01:41:58,646 --> 01:41:59,846
I'm gonna
shove it up your ass.
1987
01:42:00,387 --> 01:42:01,692
(METAL CLANGS)
1988
01:42:01,736 --> 01:42:03,172
(GROANS)
1989
01:42:03,216 --> 01:42:05,174
That's right!
I'm fighting dirty!
1990
01:42:06,088 --> 01:42:07,133
Oh, great!
1991
01:42:07,176 --> 01:42:08,588
ORDERLY: There they are!
Those freaks!
1992
01:42:08,612 --> 01:42:10,721
DEADPOOL: A bunch of armed
pedophiles in nursing shoes.
1993
01:42:10,745 --> 01:42:12,878
Can I have
one of those guns?
1994
01:42:12,921 --> 01:42:14,749
- No.
- That's fine.
1995
01:42:14,793 --> 01:42:16,751
Get off this property,
mutant scum!
1996
01:42:16,795 --> 01:42:17,955
I'm just gonna
use this brick.
1997
01:42:18,535 --> 01:42:19,623
Maximum effort.
1998
01:42:19,667 --> 01:42:21,060
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1999
01:42:25,673 --> 01:42:27,414
Who says you
can't go home again?
2000
01:42:29,416 --> 01:42:30,765
(ALL GRUNTING)
2001
01:42:36,510 --> 01:42:37,903
- (SCREAMS)
- CHILDREN: Oh!
2002
01:42:44,561 --> 01:42:45,562
CHILDREN: Yeah!
2003
01:42:47,782 --> 01:42:49,436
Say it.
2004
01:42:49,479 --> 01:42:52,526
Say what you said
every time you tortured me!
2005
01:42:53,048 --> 01:42:54,397
Say it!
2006
01:42:54,441 --> 01:42:57,139
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand!
2007
01:42:58,358 --> 01:43:00,490
Blessed are the wicked...
2008
01:43:00,534 --> 01:43:01,752
who are healed...
2009
01:43:02,231 --> 01:43:03,754
by my hand.
2010
01:43:04,668 --> 01:43:05,974
(YELLS)
2011
01:43:15,941 --> 01:43:17,377
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2012
01:43:21,816 --> 01:43:23,513
You commie motherfucker!
2013
01:43:27,735 --> 01:43:28,867
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
2014
01:43:30,085 --> 01:43:31,173
(SPITS)
2015
01:43:31,217 --> 01:43:32,783
(YELLS)
2016
01:43:38,006 --> 01:43:39,225
(GROANS)
2017
01:43:50,584 --> 01:43:53,108
DEADPOOL: Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too?
2018
01:43:53,152 --> 01:43:55,371
Only best buddies
execute pedophiles together.
2019
01:43:58,244 --> 01:44:00,594
You got 30 seconds,
you jabbering butt plug!
2020
01:44:00,637 --> 01:44:01,856
Now we're getting it.
2021
01:44:04,511 --> 01:44:06,513
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
2022
01:44:06,556 --> 01:44:08,819
I need a bus
to get you all out of here.
2023
01:44:08,863 --> 01:44:09,864
(GASPS)
2024
01:44:10,691 --> 01:44:12,258
(CAR ALARM WAILING)
2025
01:44:14,086 --> 01:44:15,130
Orphans.
2026
01:44:16,305 --> 01:44:17,524
Oh, geez.
2027
01:44:18,960 --> 01:44:21,658
It's time to burn
for what you've done!
2028
01:44:21,702 --> 01:44:24,183
A child should not be burdened
with such power!
2029
01:44:31,755 --> 01:44:32,974
(RUSSELL GRUNTS)
2030
01:44:33,018 --> 01:44:34,062
Russell! Wait!
2031
01:44:40,068 --> 01:44:41,374
DEADPOOL: Oh!
2032
01:44:48,598 --> 01:44:50,731
Wait! He hasn't killed
anyone yet!
2033
01:44:50,774 --> 01:44:52,796
- What more do you need to see?
- Don't you fucking dare!
2034
01:44:52,820 --> 01:44:53,995
He's just a kid!
2035
01:44:54,039 --> 01:44:55,954
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
2036
01:45:05,050 --> 01:45:06,355
(COLOSSUS GROANS)
2037
01:45:08,662 --> 01:45:11,708
I'm gonna melt you down
and make a cock ring.
2038
01:45:17,105 --> 01:45:18,280
(GRUNTS)
2039
01:45:19,455 --> 01:45:20,804
(GROWLS)
2040
01:45:23,633 --> 01:45:24,983
(GRUNTS)
2041
01:45:25,026 --> 01:45:27,159
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (GROANING)
2042
01:45:32,077 --> 01:45:34,731
- I told you! Leave me alone!
- Come on!
2043
01:45:35,254 --> 01:45:36,385
Listen to me!
2044
01:45:39,562 --> 01:45:41,086
(RUSSELL SCREAMING)
2045
01:45:41,129 --> 01:45:43,349
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2046
01:45:46,395 --> 01:45:47,614
(GRUNTS)
2047
01:45:59,626 --> 01:46:01,280
COLOSSUS: (SCOFFS)
That's how we do it
2048
01:46:01,323 --> 01:46:02,803
in Mother Russia.
2049
01:46:03,760 --> 01:46:04,979
(GROANS)
2050
01:46:05,023 --> 01:46:07,547
They say millennials are
the hardest to reach.
2051
01:46:08,939 --> 01:46:12,160
CABLE: Oh, no.
You're doing amazing.
2052
01:46:12,204 --> 01:46:13,422
(GROWLS)
2053
01:46:13,466 --> 01:46:16,338
Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta!
2054
01:46:16,382 --> 01:46:18,210
Go home, Wade!
2055
01:46:18,253 --> 01:46:20,081
You're ruining everything!
2056
01:46:25,434 --> 01:46:26,783
I'm getting good at this shit.
2057
01:46:26,827 --> 01:46:28,133
DEADPOOL: Go, go, go!
2058
01:46:28,176 --> 01:46:29,351
(GRUNTS)
2059
01:46:31,353 --> 01:46:33,312
He dies tonight, Wade.
2060
01:46:33,355 --> 01:46:35,836
You can't stop me!
2061
01:46:35,879 --> 01:46:37,751
CABLE: He even runs
like a fucking pervert.
2062
01:46:37,794 --> 01:46:40,536
Like an online predator
who lost his laptop.
2063
01:46:41,972 --> 01:46:43,452
There's one bullet left
in that gun.
2064
01:46:43,496 --> 01:46:45,498
Wait, wait, wait!
Please, just give me a second!
2065
01:46:45,541 --> 01:46:47,021
I got this.
2066
01:46:47,065 --> 01:46:49,284
- Russell!
- Stay back! Go home, Wade!
2067
01:46:49,328 --> 01:46:52,026
Let's talk. It doesn't
have to go this way!
2068
01:46:52,070 --> 01:46:53,723
That piece of shit...
2069
01:46:53,767 --> 01:46:55,508
he deserves to die
for what he did to you.
2070
01:46:55,551 --> 01:46:58,946
He hurt you badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.
2071
01:46:59,816 --> 01:47:01,601
But if you kill him, he wins.
2072
01:47:01,644 --> 01:47:05,518
You become everything
he says you are, but worse.
2073
01:47:05,561 --> 01:47:07,563
You're just a kid.
2074
01:47:07,607 --> 01:47:09,348
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
2075
01:47:09,391 --> 01:47:10,653
How do you know what I want?
2076
01:47:10,697 --> 01:47:12,307
Because I've been inside you.
2077
01:47:13,003 --> 01:47:14,875
That came out wrong.
2078
01:47:14,918 --> 01:47:16,616
I've been inside your shoes.
2079
01:47:16,659 --> 01:47:18,531
Which is also off-putting.
2080
01:47:18,574 --> 01:47:20,054
It's not a great analogy.
2081
01:47:20,098 --> 01:47:21,925
The point is...
2082
01:47:21,969 --> 01:47:23,666
there are people...
2083
01:47:23,710 --> 01:47:26,756
There are people
in this fucking world...
2084
01:47:26,800 --> 01:47:29,498
besides him,
who will treat you right.
2085
01:47:29,542 --> 01:47:32,153
It isn't too late.
Don't do it.
2086
01:47:37,724 --> 01:47:40,118
I never should've left
you there.
2087
01:47:41,858 --> 01:47:43,730
I never should've left you
in that prison.
2088
01:47:50,824 --> 01:47:52,130
I can't trust you.
2089
01:47:53,827 --> 01:47:56,177
I can't trust anybody!
2090
01:47:57,222 --> 01:47:58,701
(GROANING)
2091
01:48:05,404 --> 01:48:06,666
Wonderful kid.
2092
01:48:06,709 --> 01:48:08,494
RUSSELL:
You can't stop me, Wade!
2093
01:48:08,537 --> 01:48:09,756
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2094
01:48:10,713 --> 01:48:12,976
I got one more idea.
2095
01:48:13,020 --> 01:48:15,936
It's just a really bad one,
even for me.
2096
01:48:15,979 --> 01:48:17,242
Wade, what are you doing?
2097
01:48:17,285 --> 01:48:19,592
All right. This is for
all the marbles, kid!
2098
01:48:19,635 --> 01:48:21,724
You're gonna kill
someone today...
2099
01:48:21,768 --> 01:48:23,204
Blessed are the wicked...
2100
01:48:23,248 --> 01:48:25,163
...then it's gotta be me.
2101
01:48:26,251 --> 01:48:28,166
...who are healed by my hand!
2102
01:48:31,256 --> 01:48:33,693
(MOUTHS) Fuck this!
2103
01:48:35,173 --> 01:48:36,826
(♫ "TOMORROW" PLAYING ♫)
2104
01:48:38,001 --> 01:48:40,134
(♫ GIRL SINGING ♫)
2105
01:49:32,012 --> 01:49:33,231
(GROANS)
2106
01:49:34,406 --> 01:49:37,365
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
2107
01:49:39,280 --> 01:49:40,760
(DEADPOOL COUGHING)
2108
01:49:42,370 --> 01:49:43,893
Oh, that's not good.
2109
01:49:45,460 --> 01:49:46,896
No, sir.
2110
01:49:54,513 --> 01:49:57,429
You sacrificed yourself
for me.
2111
01:49:57,864 --> 01:49:59,039
Yeah.
2112
01:49:59,082 --> 01:50:01,302
And it was the best thing
I ever did.
2113
01:50:01,346 --> 01:50:03,217
(COUGHING)
2114
01:50:03,261 --> 01:50:05,350
I told you
I care about you.
2115
01:50:05,393 --> 01:50:07,177
You're a good kid, Russell.
2116
01:50:08,875 --> 01:50:09,963
Hey.
2117
01:50:11,269 --> 01:50:12,487
The bear.
2118
01:50:12,531 --> 01:50:13,923
It worked.
2119
01:50:20,887 --> 01:50:22,497
Because of you.
2120
01:50:22,541 --> 01:50:24,847
No, Wade, because of you.
2121
01:50:25,718 --> 01:50:27,807
Stop, stop, stop!
2122
01:50:27,850 --> 01:50:29,025
Stop!
2123
01:50:30,200 --> 01:50:33,160
Just let it happen, okay?
2124
01:50:33,203 --> 01:50:36,903
I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.
2125
01:50:36,946 --> 01:50:39,340
(GROANS) That riddle
is so fucked up.
2126
01:50:41,734 --> 01:50:44,127
(GROANS, COUGHS)
2127
01:50:44,171 --> 01:50:46,565
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
2128
01:50:46,608 --> 01:50:47,957
Don't be. Don't be.
2129
01:50:48,001 --> 01:50:50,220
I've been trying to make
this happen for a while.
2130
01:50:50,264 --> 01:50:51,918
Please, just don't leave me.
2131
01:50:51,961 --> 01:50:53,572
I don't wanna die
without an audience.
2132
01:50:53,615 --> 01:50:55,269
We are not going anywhere.
2133
01:50:55,313 --> 01:50:57,402
WADE: Oh, God, I hope
the Academy is watching.
2134
01:50:57,445 --> 01:50:58,577
Just rest, okay?
2135
01:51:00,405 --> 01:51:01,493
Papa.
2136
01:51:03,712 --> 01:51:05,671
♫ Papa, can you hear me? ♫
2137
01:51:07,934 --> 01:51:13,940
♫ Papa, can you find me
in the night? ♫
2138
01:51:35,222 --> 01:51:36,963
Before I go... (COUGHS)
2139
01:51:37,006 --> 01:51:38,704
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
2140
01:51:39,313 --> 01:51:40,662
Domino.
2141
01:51:40,706 --> 01:51:45,145
I want you to have
my Adventure Time watch.
2142
01:51:45,188 --> 01:51:47,626
(WADE COUGHING)
2143
01:51:47,669 --> 01:51:50,542
Turns out
that I'm the lucky one.
2144
01:51:51,325 --> 01:51:52,413
Thank you.
2145
01:51:53,762 --> 01:51:57,026
Hey, Sabrina,
the Teenage Witch.
2146
01:51:57,070 --> 01:51:59,377
I liked you better
with your hair short.
2147
01:51:59,420 --> 01:52:00,552
Think everyone did.
2148
01:52:01,379 --> 01:52:04,120
- Hi, Yukio.
- Hi, Wade!
2149
01:52:04,164 --> 01:52:06,079
(CHUCKLES)
2150
01:52:06,122 --> 01:52:07,210
And you...
2151
01:52:07,733 --> 01:52:09,735
Chrome Bone.
2152
01:52:09,778 --> 01:52:12,694
I haven't always been
the best friend to you.
2153
01:52:12,738 --> 01:52:15,044
But you've always been
that to me.
2154
01:52:15,088 --> 01:52:16,437
So thank you.
2155
01:52:18,613 --> 01:52:20,223
Say "fuck" for me.
2156
01:52:21,050 --> 01:52:22,356
Just once. Come on,
2157
01:52:22,400 --> 01:52:24,010
we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.
2158
01:52:24,053 --> 01:52:27,100
Here we go. One, two, three.
F... F... F...
2159
01:52:27,143 --> 01:52:28,318
Fuck.
2160
01:52:28,362 --> 01:52:31,626
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
(CHUCKLES)
2161
01:52:32,975 --> 01:52:36,065
And you, Cable. (COUGHS)
2162
01:52:36,109 --> 01:52:40,592
You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.
2163
01:52:40,635 --> 01:52:44,291
And promise me.
Promise me one thing.
2164
01:52:44,334 --> 01:52:45,727
That you'll start
judging people...
2165
01:52:45,771 --> 01:52:47,163
not by the color
of their skin,
2166
01:52:47,207 --> 01:52:49,078
but by the content
of their character.
2167
01:52:49,818 --> 01:52:51,429
- Jesus.
- WADE: R-Dog?
2168
01:52:52,604 --> 01:52:55,084
There you are. Hey!
2169
01:52:55,128 --> 01:52:57,347
You're a superhero now, bubba.
2170
01:52:57,391 --> 01:53:00,394
That's why it's high time
that you had a super suit.
2171
01:53:00,438 --> 01:53:01,830
This one is yours.
2172
01:53:01,874 --> 01:53:03,615
You might wanna
get it steam cleaned.
2173
01:53:03,658 --> 01:53:05,094
Especially around the pants.
2174
01:53:05,138 --> 01:53:06,835
And let it out
a little in the waist.
2175
01:53:07,793 --> 01:53:08,794
But, hey.
2176
01:53:09,838 --> 01:53:11,187
Look.
2177
01:53:11,231 --> 01:53:13,842
Family is not an F-word.
2178
01:53:14,582 --> 01:53:15,931
All right?
2179
01:53:15,975 --> 01:53:18,412
There's one out there
for you. (COUGHS)
2180
01:53:18,456 --> 01:53:20,153
Just keep looking, okay?
2181
01:53:23,635 --> 01:53:26,420
Guys, for a second there...
2182
01:53:27,247 --> 01:53:29,379
we made a pretty good team.
2183
01:53:35,516 --> 01:53:37,083
(SIGHS)
2184
01:53:44,438 --> 01:53:46,440
Oh, it's so hard to go.
2185
01:53:46,832 --> 01:53:47,963
(WHINES)
2186
01:53:48,007 --> 01:53:50,313
I just love being around
you guys so much.
2187
01:53:51,401 --> 01:53:52,620
So, so much.
2188
01:53:53,360 --> 01:53:54,709
Mmm.
2189
01:53:54,753 --> 01:53:57,582
No, I can feel it now.
Here it comes, yeah.
2190
01:53:57,625 --> 01:54:01,455
I feel the soul
exiting the husk.
2191
01:54:01,499 --> 01:54:02,500
Yeah.
2192
01:54:04,371 --> 01:54:06,852
Can you see it?
2193
01:54:06,895 --> 01:54:09,071
Do you see
that beautiful bright light?
2194
01:54:10,551 --> 01:54:11,683
There it is.
2195
01:54:17,950 --> 01:54:19,212
Oh, that's the sun.
2196
01:54:19,255 --> 01:54:21,127
Don't stare
directly into that.
2197
01:54:21,170 --> 01:54:22,607
I just have a few final words.
2198
01:54:22,650 --> 01:54:23,695
(EXHALES)
2199
01:54:24,826 --> 01:54:26,219
Woodpecker.
2200
01:54:27,002 --> 01:54:28,351
Gingivitis.
2201
01:54:30,397 --> 01:54:31,746
Codswallop.
2202
01:54:36,098 --> 01:54:38,057
Do You Want to
Build a Snowman?
2203
01:55:05,388 --> 01:55:07,565
(♫ MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING ♫)
2204
01:55:53,045 --> 01:55:54,263
Sorry I'm late.
2205
01:55:54,307 --> 01:55:56,004
There was a bunch
2206
01:55:56,048 --> 01:55:57,416
of handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.
2207
01:55:57,440 --> 01:55:59,660
- No.
- No.
2208
01:55:59,704 --> 01:56:02,794
- But I did have to help a kid.
- Yeah.
2209
01:56:02,837 --> 01:56:04,752
- He's got a terrible name.
- It's just awful.
2210
01:56:04,796 --> 01:56:05,797
- Ugh.
- I tried to tell him.
2211
01:56:08,147 --> 01:56:09,583
Is this heaven?
2212
01:56:10,453 --> 01:56:11,629
It is now.
2213
01:56:15,110 --> 01:56:16,982
I am so sorry.
2214
01:56:17,809 --> 01:56:19,158
VANESSA: It's okay.
2215
01:56:39,004 --> 01:56:40,875
I missed you so much.
2216
01:56:46,489 --> 01:56:48,143
What is it? What's wrong?
2217
01:56:50,058 --> 01:56:52,147
It's not time.
2218
01:56:52,191 --> 01:56:54,193
What do you mean
it's not time?
2219
01:56:54,236 --> 01:56:55,847
I'm here, I made it.
2220
01:56:55,890 --> 01:56:57,631
- You can't stay.
- No, no, no.
2221
01:56:57,675 --> 01:57:00,329
I'm staying. I'm not going
anywhere without you.
2222
01:57:00,373 --> 01:57:01,809
It's okay.
2223
01:57:01,853 --> 01:57:04,682
There's a time for us.
It's just not now.
2224
01:57:05,726 --> 01:57:08,163
- They need you.
- Who?
2225
01:57:10,209 --> 01:57:11,514
VANESSA: Your F-word.
2226
01:57:12,777 --> 01:57:13,778
WADE: Why?
2227
01:57:13,821 --> 01:57:14,822
VANESSA: You'll find out.
2228
01:57:16,084 --> 01:57:17,651
It's all right. I'll be here.
2229
01:57:19,000 --> 01:57:21,786
It's pretty fucking
awesome over here.
2230
01:57:21,829 --> 01:57:23,744
I can have anything I want.
2231
01:57:23,788 --> 01:57:25,920
Can every day be
International Women's Day?
2232
01:57:25,964 --> 01:57:27,530
It is heaven.
2233
01:57:27,574 --> 01:57:28,793
I love you.
2234
01:57:31,317 --> 01:57:34,059
I know. I love you, too.
2235
01:57:34,668 --> 01:57:36,061
Now, go.
2236
01:57:36,931 --> 01:57:38,933
Go on. Go, get out of here.
2237
01:57:39,978 --> 01:57:40,979
Go.
2238
01:57:43,808 --> 01:57:44,808
Hey!
2239
01:57:47,812 --> 01:57:49,944
Kiss me
like you miss me, Red.
2240
01:57:50,597 --> 01:57:51,729
Well, come here.
2241
01:58:11,052 --> 01:58:12,793
Don't fuck Elvis.
2242
01:58:12,837 --> 01:58:14,577
- Ooh, too late.
- I'm sorry?
2243
01:58:19,539 --> 01:58:21,019
(SCREAMING)
2244
01:58:24,065 --> 01:58:25,327
Time to make the chimichangas.
2245
01:58:25,371 --> 01:58:26,502
30 seconds.
2246
01:58:26,546 --> 01:58:27,808
Hey. Been meaning
to ask you...
2247
01:58:27,852 --> 01:58:30,332
what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?
2248
01:58:30,376 --> 01:58:32,552
It's my daughter's teddy bear.
2249
01:58:32,595 --> 01:58:34,119
Her name's Hope.
2250
01:58:34,162 --> 01:58:35,294
DEADPOOL: Well...
2251
01:58:36,121 --> 01:58:38,036
What are you doing?
2252
01:58:38,079 --> 01:58:39,733
Somebody swiped right.
2253
01:58:39,777 --> 01:58:41,604
(FAST-FORWARDING)
2254
01:58:50,570 --> 01:58:52,441
(GROANS)
2255
01:58:52,485 --> 01:58:55,270
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
2256
01:58:55,314 --> 01:58:56,968
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2257
01:58:58,186 --> 01:58:59,971
RUSSELL: You sacrificed
yourself for me.
2258
01:59:00,014 --> 01:59:01,537
DEADPOOL: It would seem I...
2259
01:59:03,713 --> 01:59:04,976
Huh?
2260
01:59:06,107 --> 01:59:08,457
Genuine, high-grade lead.
2261
01:59:10,372 --> 01:59:13,419
You time-sliding
son of a bitch!
2262
01:59:13,462 --> 01:59:15,029
You did this for me?
2263
01:59:16,901 --> 01:59:19,991
Wait. You can't go back.
2264
01:59:20,034 --> 01:59:21,340
You used
the last of your fuel.
2265
01:59:21,383 --> 01:59:23,124
What about your girl,
your wife?
2266
01:59:23,168 --> 01:59:26,432
Now, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.
2267
01:59:27,912 --> 01:59:30,349
No, I'm gonna stick around
for a while...
2268
01:59:30,392 --> 01:59:31,654
and make sure the world
2269
01:59:31,698 --> 01:59:33,395
doesn't shit itself
into oblivion.
2270
01:59:34,092 --> 01:59:36,964
No. You did it for me.
2271
01:59:37,747 --> 01:59:39,184
No, I didn't.
2272
01:59:39,227 --> 01:59:40,663
- You did.
- I really didn't.
2273
01:59:40,707 --> 01:59:42,547
- Pretty sure you did.
- No, I'm positive I didn't.
2274
01:59:42,578 --> 01:59:44,363
Fine. All right,
let's flip a coin. Okay?
2275
01:59:44,406 --> 01:59:47,148
Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.
2276
01:59:47,192 --> 01:59:49,977
I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.
2277
01:59:50,021 --> 01:59:51,152
Say it again.
2278
01:59:51,196 --> 01:59:52,806
- He did it for me.
- CABLE: Jesus.
2279
01:59:52,850 --> 01:59:54,653
- We must get the collar off.
- Forget it. It's no use.
2280
01:59:54,677 --> 01:59:56,592
These collars
don't just come off.
2281
01:59:56,636 --> 01:59:58,116
Wade.
2282
01:59:58,159 --> 02:00:00,074
I have an idea.
2283
02:00:00,118 --> 02:00:02,250
No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!
2284
02:00:02,294 --> 02:00:04,731
I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just...
2285
02:00:04,774 --> 02:00:07,908
Oh, God! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.
2286
02:00:07,952 --> 02:00:10,258
- (COLLAR BUZZING)
- RUSSELL: We need the code.
2287
02:00:10,302 --> 02:00:12,217
Try, uh, seven?
2288
02:00:12,260 --> 02:00:13,871
DEADPOOL:
Settle down, Captain Lucky.
2289
02:00:13,914 --> 02:00:15,350
It's not gonna be one number.
2290
02:00:15,394 --> 02:00:16,554
Oh, God, that's lazy writing.
2291
02:00:17,483 --> 02:00:18,832
I still got it.
2292
02:00:20,051 --> 02:00:21,835
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2293
02:00:21,879 --> 02:00:23,837
Put that back
in your prison wallet.
2294
02:00:25,534 --> 02:00:27,449
I don't know how to thank you.
2295
02:00:27,493 --> 02:00:29,408
But I do know how to hug you.
2296
02:00:29,451 --> 02:00:30,757
- No.
- Yes.
2297
02:00:30,800 --> 02:00:32,280
Here we go. Bring it in.
2298
02:00:32,324 --> 02:00:33,412
Come on.
2299
02:00:33,455 --> 02:00:34,892
Pelvis to pelvis.
2300
02:00:34,935 --> 02:00:36,284
Let's go tip to tip.
2301
02:00:36,328 --> 02:00:38,896
There we go.
The kids call this docking.
2302
02:00:38,939 --> 02:00:40,549
(KNIFE UNSHEATHES)
2303
02:00:40,593 --> 02:00:42,160
Is there a knife in my dick?
2304
02:00:42,203 --> 02:00:44,007
- There's a knife in your dick.
- I'm just gonna back up now.
2305
02:00:44,031 --> 02:00:45,946
- Yeah, yeah.
- No need to go full Yentl.
2306
02:00:45,990 --> 02:00:48,775
Gonna pretend
like that never happened.
2307
02:00:48,818 --> 02:00:50,733
Let's go home, Russell.
2308
02:00:54,389 --> 02:00:56,174
All you dirty mutants
2309
02:00:56,217 --> 02:00:58,785
are gonna rot in hell
with the boy!
2310
02:00:58,828 --> 02:01:01,919
Your souls
are beyond redemption!
2311
02:01:01,962 --> 02:01:03,224
Let's see your soul, perv!
2312
02:01:03,268 --> 02:01:06,097
No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!
2313
02:01:06,140 --> 02:01:07,446
We're better than him!
2314
02:01:07,489 --> 02:01:10,101
No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed!
2315
02:01:10,144 --> 02:01:11,754
We'll let karma
take care of him.
2316
02:01:11,798 --> 02:01:14,801
The day of reckoning is here!
2317
02:01:15,758 --> 02:01:17,064
(TYRES SCREECHING)
2318
02:01:17,108 --> 02:01:18,283
(CRASHING)
2319
02:01:24,115 --> 02:01:26,204
I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.
2320
02:01:26,247 --> 02:01:27,466
Whoo!
2321
02:01:27,509 --> 02:01:29,120
Courage, motherfuckers!
2322
02:01:29,163 --> 02:01:30,643
And karma, motherfucker.
2323
02:01:30,686 --> 02:01:32,099
DEADPOOL: I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.
2324
02:01:32,123 --> 02:01:34,125
I could barely keep
a straight face. (LAUGHS)
2325
02:01:34,168 --> 02:01:36,083
I want some more.
2326
02:01:36,127 --> 02:01:37,867
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
2327
02:01:37,911 --> 02:01:41,436
We should leave
before Fuckernaut wakes up.
2328
02:01:41,480 --> 02:01:43,743
Good call.
You guys coming with us?
2329
02:01:43,786 --> 02:01:45,745
No, we'll get the kids
back to the mansion.
2330
02:01:45,788 --> 02:01:47,312
Besides, we're X-Men.
2331
02:01:47,355 --> 02:01:50,010
No, you're X-People.
2332
02:01:50,054 --> 02:01:51,403
You're X-hausting.
2333
02:01:51,446 --> 02:01:53,231
I see what you did there.
Puns.
2334
02:01:53,274 --> 02:01:54,710
Our door's always open.
2335
02:01:54,754 --> 02:01:56,538
That's kind, but
I'm not ready to date again.
2336
02:01:56,582 --> 02:01:57,583
Let alone two women.
2337
02:01:58,714 --> 02:02:00,412
God, you're a douche.
2338
02:02:00,455 --> 02:02:02,588
- Bye, Wade!
- Bye, Yukio!
2339
02:02:02,631 --> 02:02:04,372
(♫ "WE BELONG" PLAYING ♫)
2340
02:02:05,286 --> 02:02:06,592
DEADPOOL: What do you get
2341
02:02:06,635 --> 02:02:07,549
when you take
eight feet of chrome...
2342
02:02:07,593 --> 02:02:08,768
one pinch of courage...
2343
02:02:08,811 --> 02:02:10,030
a cup of good luck...
2344
02:02:10,074 --> 02:02:11,640
a dab of racism...
2345
02:02:11,684 --> 02:02:13,207
a splash of diabetes...
2346
02:02:13,251 --> 02:02:15,644
and a wheelbarrow
full of stage four cancer?
2347
02:02:15,688 --> 02:02:18,386
Answer: a family.
2348
02:02:18,430 --> 02:02:21,563
See? I didn't lie
what kind of film this was.
2349
02:02:21,607 --> 02:02:23,150
If there's anything
you take away today...
2350
02:02:23,174 --> 02:02:26,133
other than the need to Google,
"What the fuck is dubstep?"...
2351
02:02:26,177 --> 02:02:29,006
it's that we all need
to belong to someone.
2352
02:04:26,079 --> 02:04:27,820
How something
so small generates
2353
02:04:27,863 --> 02:04:29,430
enough energy
to reverse time is...
2354
02:04:29,474 --> 02:04:31,867
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
2355
02:04:31,911 --> 02:04:34,174
or I'll take it
to the Genius Bar.
2356
02:04:34,218 --> 02:04:35,456
Cable's gonna kill you
when he finds out.
2357
02:04:35,480 --> 02:04:36,524
Never heard of him.
2358
02:04:36,568 --> 02:04:38,047
Why do you think
I'm helping him?
2359
02:04:39,310 --> 02:04:41,573
The Lord works
in mysterious ways,
2360
02:04:41,616 --> 02:04:43,879
don't I? A good day.
2361
02:04:44,619 --> 02:04:45,620
Bye, Wade!
2362
02:04:46,143 --> 02:04:47,144
Bye, Yukio!
2363
02:04:48,449 --> 02:04:50,973
That was probably a bad idea.
2364
02:04:51,017 --> 02:04:52,018
What have we done?
2365
02:04:53,237 --> 02:04:54,934
(♫ "IF I COULD
TURN BACK TIME" PLAYING ♫)
2366
02:05:10,558 --> 02:05:12,604
I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.
2367
02:05:12,647 --> 02:05:13,996
- (BOTH PANTING)
- (GASPS)
2368
02:05:22,744 --> 02:05:24,181
I'll be right back!
2369
02:05:26,183 --> 02:05:28,707
We're definitely naming
our kid Cher!
2370
02:05:29,098 --> 02:05:30,099
Whoo!
2371
02:05:31,927 --> 02:05:33,233
DEADPOOL: Peter!
2372
02:05:33,277 --> 02:05:34,843
Whoo! X-Force!
2373
02:05:34,887 --> 02:05:37,933
Walk away! Just walk away!
2374
02:05:37,977 --> 02:05:39,979
- But we're X-Force!
- Nope! We're not.
2375
02:05:40,022 --> 02:05:41,372
X-Force is just
a marketing tool
2376
02:05:41,415 --> 02:05:42,721
designed by Fox executives...
2377
02:05:42,764 --> 02:05:44,462
to keep Josh Brolin employed.
2378
02:05:44,505 --> 02:05:46,028
It doesn't exist.
2379
02:05:46,072 --> 02:05:49,380
All right, well,
this has been pretty scary!
2380
02:05:49,423 --> 02:05:51,120
And I need to feed my cat!
2381
02:05:51,164 --> 02:05:53,645
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
2382
02:05:53,688 --> 02:05:56,952
Okay. Will you give
Domino my email?
2383
02:06:06,135 --> 02:06:08,007
Wade, is that you?
2384
02:06:10,270 --> 02:06:11,619
I guess Stryker finally
2385
02:06:11,663 --> 02:06:13,055
figured out
how to shut you up.
2386
02:06:15,928 --> 02:06:17,277
(GUNSHOT)
2387
02:06:19,627 --> 02:06:23,022
Hey! It's me!
Don't scratch!
2388
02:06:23,065 --> 02:06:25,111
Just cleaning up
the timelines!
2389
02:06:25,154 --> 02:06:28,984
Look, eventually you're
going to hang up the claws...
2390
02:06:29,028 --> 02:06:31,248
and it's gonna make
a lot of people very sad.
2391
02:06:31,639 --> 02:06:33,032
Huh?
2392
02:06:33,075 --> 02:06:34,401
But one day, your old pal
Wade's gonna ask you...
2393
02:06:34,425 --> 02:06:36,383
to get back
in the saddle again.
2394
02:06:37,297 --> 02:06:39,821
And when he does,
say yes.
2395
02:06:41,083 --> 02:06:43,042
- Oh, right.
- (GUNSHOTS)
2396
02:06:43,956 --> 02:06:45,262
(WHISPERS) Love you!
2397
02:06:47,612 --> 02:06:49,266
Goddamn, that's beautiful.
2398
02:06:50,832 --> 02:06:51,833
(GUNSHOT)
2399
02:06:56,621 --> 02:06:58,449
You're welcome, Canada.
2400
02:07:10,983 --> 02:07:12,158
Boy howdy.
2401
02:07:14,029 --> 02:07:16,945
- Hi. This is a toughie.
- (BABY CRYING)
2402
02:07:16,989 --> 02:07:18,425
Yeesh.
2403
02:07:18,469 --> 02:07:21,863
Oh, yes. You're already
practicing your salute, huh?
2404
02:07:21,907 --> 02:07:24,736
Yes, you are. Well, we'll
take care of that, won't we?
2405
02:07:24,779 --> 02:07:27,565
Jesus Christ! This is
so much harder than I thought.
2406
02:07:28,392 --> 02:07:30,045
Oh, I'm going to hell.
2407
02:07:30,089 --> 02:07:31,786
That makes two of us.
2408
02:07:31,830 --> 02:07:33,440
You can do this.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
2409
02:07:33,484 --> 02:07:36,138
This is crazy. This is crazy.
This is crazy. This is crazy.
2410
02:07:36,182 --> 02:07:37,314
All right.
2411
02:07:38,402 --> 02:07:39,490
(SIGHS)
2412
02:07:44,669 --> 02:07:47,062
Maximum effort.
2413
02:07:47,106 --> 02:07:50,065
(♫ "IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME"
CONTINUES PLAYING ♫)
2414
02:09:08,317 --> 02:09:10,319
(♫ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ♫)
2415
02:12:54,500 --> 02:12:56,241
(♫ CHOIR SINGING ♫)
2416
02:13:24,748 --> 02:13:27,054
That's okay.
Let me see here.
2417
02:13:27,098 --> 02:13:28,621
Oh, God.
2418
02:13:28,665 --> 02:13:30,623
That's why you're
such a little bastard.
2419
02:13:30,667 --> 02:13:33,017
No one's ever changed you.
2420
02:13:33,060 --> 02:13:35,802
Yeah, you got a big, old
stinky in there, don't you?
2421
02:13:35,846 --> 02:13:38,675
God, it smells like
Hitler's anus...
2422
02:13:38,718 --> 02:13:41,286
which would makes sense,
wouldn't it? Yeah.
2423
02:13:41,329 --> 02:13:42,504
I think we both know
2424
02:13:42,548 --> 02:13:43,960
I don't have
what it takes to do this...
2425
02:13:43,984 --> 02:13:46,160
so I'm just gonna change
your diaper real quick...
2426
02:13:46,204 --> 02:13:48,138
and then I'm gonna come back
with my friend, Cable.
2427
02:13:48,162 --> 02:13:49,555
He loves killing kids.192940
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