All language subtitles for Community s05e07 Bondage and Beta Male Sexuality.eng

Jeff, we've known each other
a long time, right?

You've come to respect me.

- Sure.
- Well, get ready to stop.

Please help me seduce Britta

now that you've
finished doing it with her.

Please, please...

Do you even really like Britta?

It seems like you like her
because she doesn't like you.

Have you met the women
that do like me, Jeff?

Neither have I, but trust me,
they're bad people.

Fine.

To get near Britta,
think like Britta.

Grab one of those free papers
for hippies on the quad,

go to the calendar page,

and find a cause so tragic...

Are you writing this down?

Okay, we have confirmation
that all the bones

have been removed
from the football field.

And we agree
that teachers should get

a 10-minute head start
at the job fair.

Any other items?

It's Friday night.

What's everybody doing?

Oh, there's a benefit show
at the Forefront Theater

in Riverside for starving children

with cleft palates.

Aw.

I'm gonna crash the premiere
of the Kickpuncher reboot

dressed like classic Kickpuncher.

They shouldn't
have redesigned that costume.

Keep your heads
in the sand if you want.

Professor Duncan, I didn't
know that cause interested you.

Well, it's starving children
with cleft palates, Britta.

What part would you have me
be disinterested in?

- Forefront Theater?
- Mm-hmm.

What time? I'm going.

- I'm going too.
- Me too.

Kids with cleft palates should
have extra food, not less.

I'm in.

I have... dinner plans.

Yeah, make sure it's a hearty meal.

- Oh, boo.
- Help me out here.

Um, well, uh...

Pfft, are you really the one
that needs help here, Winger?

Yeah, should we write
a check to the Jeff Foundation?

Okay. Maybe I'll go too.

Well, it's the least you can do.

Yeah, feels good to help.

God bless you.

Cool, so 7:30?

Did you get it?
I don't think I got it.

Well, the ants were people.

The Queen Ant was an oil company.

Okay, so it was about
our marginalized perceptions

as drones being born
into a corporate hive-mind?

- Yeah.
- Mm.

- Wow. McDonald's?
- Oh, I was just thinking about that.

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm, hungry.

Hello?

Okay, Alessandra,
I can't talk right now.

I just got out of a show.

Okay, hold on.

Well?

Look, if you're gonna
just yell at me, why...

Why are you doing this?

This is not happening
to you, okay?

It's happening to us!

Well, you called me!

Well, then let me
be the one to do this!

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Uh, my mother used to tell a story
about how she killed a chicken.

Hong Kong, 1964.

So you like the theatre, Ian?

Oh, are you kidding?

I spent half my days at
university in wigs and tights.

You don't do that without
befriending some actors.

Hm.

Oh, my God, Michael.

I know Michael
from my anarchist days.

God, he's gonna
smell the sellout on me.

Hey. How's it goin'?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

What's going on?

I don't like this "my-kale" guy.

I don't think he likes himself,
or he'd pronounce it "Michael."

Isn't she great?

She's everything
I love about America.

Bold, opinionated,
just past her peak,

and starting to realize
that she has to settle for less.

And the moment she needs
a shoulder to cry on,

bam.

Huh?
The Duncan handkerchief.

Well, I'm out.

Have fun circling my former lover,

waiting for her to cry.

I tried to make that sound good,

but that's what you're doin'.

Eh.

Uh, you're all heroes tonight
for making a difference,

but I want to introduce
one of my heroes.

- Britta Perry.
- Oh.

She is the bravest,
most passionate activist

I have ever had
the honor of imitating.

So, hey, buy her a drink.

Anything you wanna add, Britta?

Oh. Wow, um, I'm not a hero.

I'm a high school dropout
and a bartender,

so don't listen to me.

Or anyone.

Just listen to yourself,

and make sure
you tell yourself the truth.

Well, it was...
it was great seeing you, so...

I might stay for one drink.

- Why?
- I like to drink.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah. I have a serious problem.

That had better be true.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

I am Kickpuncher.

You are in violation of future law.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

Pew! Pew!

Oh. Damn it, come on.

- What are you doing?
- What?

What... what are you doing?

Making a costume
for a movie premiere.

Annie banned glue guns
from the apartment

after an incident so hilarious
that even describing it

would narratively eclipse
what's happening here.

- What's happening here?
- You and me bonding.

Check it out.

Tell me the truth: if you were
a post-apocalyptic survivor...

I would raise goats,
hoard cinnamon,

and travel only at night.

But, please,
I have some work to do here.

Just one thing. Watch this.

Initiate ballistic foam.

Oops.

- What the hell?
- Sorry.

You just destroyed
five hours of work!

- I'll clean it up.
- No, you don't touch it!

I know this is bad timing,

but I should go if
I'm gonna make the movie, so...

- What are you doing?
- Oh.

Something nobody ever does.

Teaching you consequences.

- But I have to go.
- But you can't.

Huh, isn't that crazy?

You ever been grounded?
You ever been punished?

Do you have any idea
what it feels like

to be refused something?

I know what it feels like
when people try to control me.

You should know
it never goes their way.

Ooh.

And what "kicky-punch" movie
is that from?

The ones you've seen

or the one I'm gonna watch you miss?

I said I was sorry.

I'm sorry I punched my landlord,

but I'm not gettin' my deposit back.

That's an example of you being punished
for choosing to hurt someone.

I wrecked your papers by accident.

You chose
to spray this crap on purpose

because you didn't care
what happened.

You know,
let me tell you something.

For five years,
I have watched people

walk around on your eggshells.

"Oh, Abed.
He's so imaginative, so magical.

"Everybody hide their hamburgers!

"If Abed sees a hamburger,
we'll all travel in time.

"Let's eat cookies and ice cream

and dress in pajamas
in the middle of the day."

I watched my third wife die!

You think I'm spoiled?

And you think I'm spoiled
because it's never occurred

to anyone to do this?

You're not the Marco Polo
of bullying me.

You're just another tourist
taking pictures of a great, big wall.

Oh, you're gonna make me cry.

When's the last time
someone physically limited you?

Oh, just now.

You physically ruined my drawings.

Drawings of what?

You're an artist?

I destroyed something valuable?

Looked like you
were doodling chickens.

He is a duck!

Uh-oh.

Hey!

You're not allowed in there.

Well, I just did a one-man show

for a little audience
that would beg to disagree.

Audience? In there?

We haven't had
a single person or performance

in that theater since the 1997 fire.

24 people died.

So what have you guys been up to?

Well, this. Raising money.

Organizing.
Trying to make a difference.

I'm impressed, and embarrassed.

I sold out.

- We sold out.
- You did not sell out.

I'm going to community college
to start a career.

We're in real estate.

We own the building
we're standing in.

Wow. You guys did sell out!

I know!

I should introduce myself
to her friends.

I knew it!

You don't have a drinking problem!

You have feelings for Britta,
you disgusting monster!

Fine. Yes.

Something about everybody liking her
turns me on.

It's a problem I have.

I hated Reese's pieces
before E.T. ate them, sorry.

- You're a bad friend!
- That's not fair!

Wait, that's really not fair.
You're a terrible friend.

She was mine first.

And it's not like
she belongs to anybody.

Oh, here we go.

"Love isn't a game,"
say the guys that always win.

And now, you're going
to go pull a Dane Cook

in one of those
three movies he was in

about Dane Cook
getting laid by accident.

Only it's not
a Dane Cook movie, Jeff,

because this time,
someone's watching: me.

Your friend, British Jason Biggs.

If you never call me Dane Cook
again, I'll stand down...

for an hour.

Okay. An hour.

Are your duck drawings a secret?

Is that why you do 'em
when nobody's around?

Not that it's any of your business,

but I am a cartoonist
in my spare time.

My cartoon's about a duck.
I was drawing him.

Does the duck have a name?
Does he have powers?

I'm not pitching to you.

You're afraid I won't like it.

Sure.

I've been a cab driver,
a soldier, a cop,

but what terrifies me the most
is the opinion

of a manchild in cardboard pants.

Kickpuncher was a cop
before he became a cyborg.

So you were a cop
before you became... this.

And what were you before this?
Were you normal?

Or do you act like this

because somebody
stuffed you in a locker?

Is that the idea?

Other way around.

What else do you
want to know about me?

What makes you stop talking.

- Letting me go.
- After you miss your movie.

Because you want me to suffer.

For destroying your duck cartoons?

The ones you're ashamed of?

Uh, which one were you laughing at?

No, no, no, no, no!
Stop that!

You're ghosts!

We're ghosts?

The janitor out there
told me you died in 1997.

Janitor?

Hey!

Those guys in there told me

that you're the one
that died in a fire

and you're a ghost!

And you just believed 'em?

You just believed a bunch of ghosts?

Have you guys

seen that billboard on Water Street
for Consensual Perfume?

The one with the man chasing
the woman through the grass

and it says, "Proven in its field"?

Yeah, proven in its field
and in labs on the eyeballs of rabbits.

We should make it say that!
Who's got the spray paint?

No, guys, I'm serious!

Doug and Janet, you're on lookout.

Michael works the ladder.
I will banksy that mother!

Come on, guys, we gotta
start taking risks again.

Well, that's convenient for
the one with nothing to lose.

Oh, so the person
with the least wealth

has the least valid argument?

That's convenient.

Britta, how many people

have you fed this year
besides yourself?

- Oh, Janet...
- No, look.

I've spent enough time feeling bad.

Fight the power!

- Would you like to go...
- Yeah.

Yeah?

Oh, my God.

These are really good.

It helps me to see
why you were so upset.

Did I ruin anything
as good as what's in here?

Ah, just practice drawings.

I have to practice drawing
the duck from different angles.

It's hard when his back's
turned 3/4 because of the beak.

Well...

I'm a real jerk for wrecking it.

Ah, you didn't do it on purpose.

That doesn't excuse my behavior.

No, I appreciate that.

It's a good apology.
You're a good kid.

All right. Well...

I can see from the clock that
if I hit all the green lights...

I'm sorry, I can't let you go.

That'd undercut the larger lesson.

Yes, the lesson being
that you're very talented.

But I have this thing.
I can't walk into a movie...

You're not going to the movie.

Yes, I am.

- You need this.
- Let me go!

This is you learning.

You're a bad person
and a bad cartoonist.

You go ahead. Hurt my feelings.

Oh! You have feelings, huh?

Have you considered
putting them into your work?

Your cartoons are monuments
to joylessness,

nervously assembled jokes
based on nothing from your life

or anyone's life!

You're furious at me for being creative
because you want to be able to create.

You have all this rage
and shame and loneliness,

which I don't even know how
to feel much less understand,

and you decide to put what on paper?

A duck. Jim the Duck.
You think I'm crazy.

You think there's something
wrong with me.

Jim the Duck?

Publishers are interested!

Oh! Yeah, well, publishers are stupid.

Either that or you're misinterpreting
what was probably a form letter.

- You shut up.
- You shut up.

- Now you shut up.
- You shut up.

Oh, are we yelling?
Are we yelling right now?

Yelling! I'm yelling!

Yelling! I'm yelling,
I'm yelling, I'm yelling!

And you're not talented!
You made me miss my movie!

You made me miss my movie.

In the words of your
hacky duck, "What the hell?"

Do you like music?

Everyone likes music.

What are you, a fish?

I have... Ooh, I-I tell you
what we could listen to.

Do you know Rimples and Splikket?

They were the British
Laurel and Hardy.

Most of their stuff is timeless,
but you do need to know

that the prime minister
went to Oxford,

not Cambridge,
as the sketch implies.

Are they speaking English?

Okay. '80s German techno it is.

Do you have any friends?

I'm sorry?

I've been defining myself
with reactions

to and from other people
my whole life.

Now I feel worthless
just because I'm worthless

in relation to my friends,

which means they're not my friends.

Who are your friends?

Well, there's my neighbor, Pat.

I try to stay on his good side.
I owe him money.

Uh, Jeff. I'd call you a friend.

Well, in fact, I'd call you a...

Oh, that's right.

You and Jeff have actually known each other
longer than anybody, huh?

I always forget that.

I guess 'cause you guys
don't really act like friends.

Yeah, I guess not so much.

Where are we going?

Well, I think you should go home

because you're having
an existential crisis,

and the best lesson
you could take away from it

is that you are someone,
even when you're by yourself.

I think you're right. Thank you.

And please don't take offense at this,

but thank you for not hitting on me.

I was just vulnerable enough
to do something really stupid.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing. Nothing.

It's nothing.

It's the...
the stupid steering wheel

is on the wrong side of the car.

- What are you doing here?
- I want to show you something.

What's this?

It's a script I wrote
about a cop on the edge.

Troy thought it was hilarious.

I didn't have the heart
to tell him it wasn't a comedy.

Why are you giving this to me?

I know all the tricks
and tropes of filmmaking,

but what I'm missing is what I think
the critics call "substance,"

which is you more than me.

You want to be film partners?

"It's time for Justice.
Police Justice."

Wait, the character's name
is "Police Justice"?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I think I may be able to help.

I'm sorry for the stuff I said.

Me too.

Sit down.

You drink scotch?

- No.
- You're gonna.

Hey, handsome. This stool taken?

Struck out, huh?

If that makes you feel better.

Or maybe I just realized that
I was spending the whole night

getting to third base
with the wrong person.

You're a good friend,

and I don't say that often enough.

That's really nice.

But you can't have sex with me.

How about we have these drinks

and then not have sex,
with anyone, together?

Sounds good.

Cheers.

So a 9-millimeter's actually
better than a 10-millimeter?

Millimeter don't make no difference.

Bullets just kinda kill you.

"Bullets just kinda kill you."

Are you quoting something?
Can I use that?

Yeah.

You left your handkerchief
at my place last night.

- Ah!
- We had a boys' night.

A bottle of booze,
an argument about sports cars.

And I cut my hand trying
to prove that I can whittle.

Me too.

Oh, hey.

- How was your night?
- Great.

I had a monumental evening...
by myself.

- Oh!
- Oh... Almost feel left out.

Well, we've had our share
of focus lately.

Mm-hmm. Speak for yourself.

Uh-oh.

I'm fine. I just, um...

Do you guys believe in ghosts?

And if you do, do you believe

what those ghosts tell you
about other ghosts?

Chang, you cannot
be on the committee

if you're going
to be actively insane.

I'm not insane. I swear.
I just, um...

had a weird experience
at the theater last night.

- You were there?
- Yeah, you were there?

What do you mean?
Of course I was.

Huh, I guess we just didn't see you.

Well, the ants were people.

The Queen Ant was an oil company.

What if I don't exist?

Oh, I got this.

I had a very similar night
last night.

Go home, light some candles,
and take a bath.

Okay, coolsies.

__

Hey!
I was thinking off-campus lunch.

What's that Tex-Mex place
you mentioned?

Salsa Von Taco's?
Read my mind!

Oh. Oh!

- No, no.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Nah.
- Oh, okay. Yeah.

- Oh.
- No, wha... Let's...

- No.
- No, no, no.

- Well... O-okay.
- Ah...

- You... you just...
- Eh...

- Ah. Oh, okay.
- Ah...

- I...
- Wha...

I-I just don't like being left behind!

My father got drunk in pubs
and left me in my room with nothing!

- So did mine!
- Oh, why would he do that?

Why do they do that?

- Why?
- Why do they do that?

I-I won't go to that Tex-Mex place.

Oh, that's all I wanted you to say.

- Hmm?
- Hmm?

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