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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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[Cheers and applause]
3
00:00:07,002 --> 00:00:08,869
Oh.
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00:00:08,904 --> 00:00:12,172
Please stay for complimentary
saltines and full-price sodas.
5
00:00:12,207 --> 00:00:15,610
But first, The Dulcet Tones
of the Bennett boys.
6
00:00:17,679 --> 00:00:22,749
Both:
when you were here before
7
00:00:22,783 --> 00:00:27,253
couldn't look you
in the eye
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00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:28,221
[Thunder]
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00:00:28,255 --> 00:00:32,593
You're just like an angel
10
00:00:32,627 --> 00:00:33,694
your skin makes me cry
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00:00:33,728 --> 00:00:35,629
Bro, free crackers.
12
00:00:35,664 --> 00:00:37,097
Want to spend your life
opening lockers?
13
00:00:37,132 --> 00:00:38,433
You don't have to raise
your voice!
14
00:00:38,467 --> 00:00:39,968
I'm going as fast as I can!
15
00:00:40,002 --> 00:00:43,204
Both:
you float like a feather
16
00:00:43,238 --> 00:00:46,374
oh, great, now I have
these folders to deal with!
17
00:00:46,408 --> 00:00:49,643
Et tu, pencil?
In a beautiful world
18
00:00:49,678 --> 00:00:52,046
when it rains, it pours.
19
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:55,683
Both:
I wish I was special
20
00:00:55,717 --> 00:00:57,885
[gasps]
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00:00:57,919 --> 00:01:00,121
[Distant scream]
22
00:01:02,858 --> 00:01:05,861
Ass Crack Bandit!
23
00:01:05,895 --> 00:01:07,463
[Screaming in crowd]
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00:01:07,497 --> 00:01:10,432
[Dramatic music]
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00:01:10,466 --> 00:01:10,966
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00:01:33,583 --> 00:01:38,648
27
00:01:38,995 --> 00:01:40,635
[Overlapping chatter]
Let's settle down!
28
00:01:40,663 --> 00:01:42,431
Guys, what is known...
[Overlapping shouting]
29
00:01:42,465 --> 00:01:46,034
What's known is that
around noon yesterday,
30
00:01:46,068 --> 00:01:48,203
an unidentified student
dropped a coin
31
00:01:48,237 --> 00:01:51,172
in another student's,
you know, upper buttock fold.
32
00:01:51,206 --> 00:01:52,774
[Overlapping chatter] Yes, yes.
33
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:54,475
Gwen Ridley, Greendale Gazette.
34
00:01:54,510 --> 00:01:56,744
Is this the return
of the Ass Crack Bandit?
35
00:01:56,778 --> 00:01:59,580
Okay, that person, Gwen,
if he ever existed,
36
00:01:59,614 --> 00:02:01,682
stopped being active
over a year ago.
37
00:02:01,717 --> 00:02:02,884
[Overlapping chatter] Yeah.
38
00:02:02,918 --> 00:02:04,319
Tim Briggs, Greendale Mirror.
39
00:02:04,353 --> 00:02:05,887
Is it true
that after the attack,
40
00:02:05,921 --> 00:02:07,956
you received a letter
from the Ass Crack Bandit?
41
00:02:07,990 --> 00:02:09,423
I never said that, Tim,
42
00:02:09,458 --> 00:02:11,091
and when did we split
the gazette from the mirror?
43
00:02:11,126 --> 00:02:13,661
And how many photographs
do you people need?
44
00:02:13,695 --> 00:02:15,729
Raul Lopez, Las Noticias
Hispanicas De Greendale.
45
00:02:15,764 --> 00:02:16,831
Will this affect soccer?
46
00:02:16,865 --> 00:02:17,965
[Overlapping chatter]
47
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,834
We did, in fact,
receive a letter
48
00:02:19,869 --> 00:02:21,503
an hour after the incident
49
00:02:21,537 --> 00:02:23,938
including details
not known to the public
50
00:02:23,973 --> 00:02:26,741
about the brand
of Garrett's underwear.
51
00:02:26,775 --> 00:02:28,976
Hanes his ways.
52
00:02:29,011 --> 00:02:30,812
"I am the Ass Crack Bandit.
53
00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:32,780
"Humans make better banks
than piggies.
54
00:02:32,815 --> 00:02:34,616
"Whenever I get more change
at the store,
55
00:02:34,650 --> 00:02:36,718
"I can't wait to drop it
down your butts.
56
00:02:36,752 --> 00:02:39,287
"I think I will go to the bank
and get so much change
57
00:02:39,321 --> 00:02:42,023
"and take all my dollars
and make them into change
58
00:02:42,057 --> 00:02:43,491
and drop it all down there."
59
00:02:43,526 --> 00:02:45,193
He should be called
"the run-on sentence bandit."
60
00:02:45,227 --> 00:02:47,696
From this moment, people,
we are at DEFCON 4...
61
00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:49,198
if that's the highest DEFCON,
62
00:02:49,232 --> 00:02:50,966
and if high DEFCONs
are worse than low ones.
63
00:02:51,001 --> 00:02:53,936
Ah, you all remember
psychology Professor Duncan.
64
00:02:53,970 --> 00:02:55,091
Hey, buddy.
Where'd you go?
65
00:02:55,104 --> 00:02:56,872
I was taking care
of my sick mother.
66
00:02:56,906 --> 00:02:59,475
She's still alive,
but I've put in my time.
67
00:02:59,509 --> 00:03:01,177
Britta.
68
00:03:01,211 --> 00:03:02,411
Oh, Pierce, good for you.
69
00:03:02,446 --> 00:03:05,247
I always thought that hairpiece
was a bit cowardly.
70
00:03:05,282 --> 00:03:06,403
Duncan is going to help us
71
00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:09,018
work up something called
a "profile,"
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00:03:09,052 --> 00:03:10,986
so we can root
this student out.
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00:03:11,021 --> 00:03:12,354
For the record,
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00:03:12,389 --> 00:03:13,889
I tried to get something done
about this two years ago.
75
00:03:13,924 --> 00:03:16,225
This is not about you, Annie.
This is about the school.
76
00:03:16,260 --> 00:03:18,861
This is the biggest P.R. crisis
to hit Greendale
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00:03:18,895 --> 00:03:21,230
since we held that rally
protesting the wrong Korea.
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00:03:21,264 --> 00:03:23,199
Jeffrey, how can you help?
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00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:25,368
I'll take a look
at the whole picture,
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00:03:25,402 --> 00:03:27,203
see if any pieces match up.
81
00:03:27,237 --> 00:03:28,971
Double fruit bonus.
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00:03:29,006 --> 00:03:30,373
[Video game sound effects]
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00:03:30,407 --> 00:03:32,475
Crikey!
Kiwi combo, mate.
84
00:03:32,509 --> 00:03:37,246
I took a map of the campus
and pinpointed all the locations
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00:03:37,281 --> 00:03:39,115
of the Ass Crack Bandit
strikes.
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00:03:39,149 --> 00:03:40,309
You can't handle the fruit.
87
00:03:40,317 --> 00:03:42,585
During the bandit's
most daring spree,
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00:03:42,619 --> 00:03:44,620
he cracked
three people in a row.
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00:03:44,654 --> 00:03:47,890
Today, I sprinted
between all three sites.
90
00:03:47,924 --> 00:03:49,792
My quickest time
was 20 minutes.
91
00:03:49,826 --> 00:03:51,226
The A.C.B. did it in 10.
92
00:03:51,261 --> 00:03:52,561
So he's got long legs.
93
00:03:52,595 --> 00:03:55,264
I think he has
something I don't... a shortcut.
94
00:03:55,298 --> 00:03:56,565
The faculty lounge.
95
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:57,961
You think
the bandit's a teacher?
96
00:03:57,968 --> 00:03:59,936
The Dean's not gonna help me
pursue this.
97
00:03:59,970 --> 00:04:00,937
I need help.
98
00:04:00,971 --> 00:04:02,305
Pineapple penalty, fool!
99
00:04:02,339 --> 00:04:05,074
No!
Unfair and racist.
100
00:04:05,108 --> 00:04:06,742
Look, no way, Annie.
101
00:04:06,777 --> 00:04:08,010
Look, the faculty
already hates me,
102
00:04:08,045 --> 00:04:09,211
and the Dean signs
my paychecks.
103
00:04:09,246 --> 00:04:10,379
But this is important!
104
00:04:10,414 --> 00:04:11,981
I can assure you
that's not true.
105
00:04:12,015 --> 00:04:13,916
Fruit, fruit,
fruit, fruit, fruit!
106
00:04:13,950 --> 00:04:15,551
Collect the seeds, sucka!
107
00:04:15,585 --> 00:04:17,553
After the tone,
please leave a message. [Beep]
108
00:04:17,587 --> 00:04:20,222
Hey, Abed.
Lab ran late.
109
00:04:20,257 --> 00:04:22,124
What'd Annie get us for dinner?
110
00:04:22,159 --> 00:04:24,193
I hope it's not salad again.
111
00:04:24,227 --> 00:04:26,395
[Creaking]
112
00:04:26,429 --> 00:04:28,397
I'd rather just stop at
the meat store.
113
00:04:31,768 --> 00:04:34,003
All right.
Talk to you later.
114
00:04:37,273 --> 00:04:38,740
Oh.
115
00:04:43,179 --> 00:04:45,481
Well, hello.
116
00:04:45,515 --> 00:04:47,516
[Thunder] Oh!
117
00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:49,017
[Radio chatter]
118
00:04:49,052 --> 00:04:51,253
[Gags]
119
00:04:53,022 --> 00:04:55,390
Will you stop
with the cups and the blankets?
120
00:04:55,424 --> 00:04:57,104
This is how
they comfort victims in movies.
121
00:04:57,126 --> 00:05:00,194
Okay, I am hereby banning
change from this campus.
122
00:05:00,229 --> 00:05:01,629
You really think
that's an effective...
123
00:05:01,663 --> 00:05:03,931
well, guess what,
your two cents is change,
124
00:05:03,966 --> 00:05:04,899
and it's banned.
125
00:05:04,933 --> 00:05:07,234
Got something.
126
00:05:10,871 --> 00:05:12,739
Frankie, somebody get me a bag.
127
00:05:12,773 --> 00:05:14,840
Oh, give me that.
128
00:05:14,875 --> 00:05:16,809
"I hope you enjoyed
my work again.
129
00:05:16,844 --> 00:05:18,804
"You can't stop me,
because what are you gonna do,
130
00:05:18,812 --> 00:05:20,079
not have butts?"
Oof.
131
00:05:20,114 --> 00:05:22,081
Dean, I think it's a teacher.
132
00:05:22,116 --> 00:05:24,450
- I beg your what?
- I have evidence that shows...
133
00:05:24,485 --> 00:05:26,085
Yeah, and I have evidence
that shows I'm not listening.
134
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:27,687
Exhibit "A," exhibit "B."
Lalalalalala.
135
00:05:27,722 --> 00:05:29,356
- [Scoffs]
- This is never gonna end
136
00:05:29,390 --> 00:05:31,725
if you keep choosing politics
over justice.
137
00:05:31,759 --> 00:05:32,826
Okay, you want to make trouble?
138
00:05:32,860 --> 00:05:35,695
Go to Parker brothers.
You're out.
139
00:05:37,064 --> 00:05:39,432
- [Scoffs]
- Take it easy.
140
00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:41,635
Taking it easy
is how Troy ended up
141
00:05:41,669 --> 00:05:43,336
with a quarter of a buck
in his crack.
142
00:05:43,371 --> 00:05:44,972
Annie, nobody's asking you
to do this...
143
00:05:45,006 --> 00:05:47,308
Jeff, come on!
You know how this school works.
144
00:05:47,342 --> 00:05:49,677
We do it,
or it doesn't get done.
145
00:05:49,711 --> 00:05:51,679
The men on our coins
understood that.
146
00:05:51,713 --> 00:05:53,781
Maybe the Ass Crack Bandit's
point
147
00:05:53,815 --> 00:05:55,335
is that we're letting
our values slide.
148
00:05:55,350 --> 00:05:58,852
Or maybe he's a frat boy
coming from the laundromat.
149
00:05:58,886 --> 00:06:01,954
The important question is
"who cares?"
150
00:06:01,989 --> 00:06:04,824
[Scoffs]
151
00:06:04,859 --> 00:06:07,360
Look,
152
00:06:07,394 --> 00:06:08,661
let me know
what you need from me...
153
00:06:08,696 --> 00:06:11,497
on the down low.
Way down low.
154
00:06:11,532 --> 00:06:13,600
- [Squeals quietly]
- And no squealing.
155
00:06:15,903 --> 00:06:18,137
Okay, squeal.
[Squeals loudly]
156
00:06:21,155 --> 00:06:22,366
Real Neil here,
157
00:06:22,391 --> 00:06:25,424
five days into the return
of the Ass Crack Bandit.
158
00:06:25,459 --> 00:06:26,492
It's alive!
159
00:06:26,527 --> 00:06:27,860
Since we last spoke,
160
00:06:27,895 --> 00:06:30,196
three more victims
have caught the quarter,
161
00:06:30,230 --> 00:06:31,864
with no end in sight.
162
00:06:31,899 --> 00:06:33,933
Safety pants, 100 bucks a pop.
163
00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:35,268
All sandwiches $5.
164
00:06:35,302 --> 00:06:37,112
Sorry, no change.
Blame the bandit.
165
00:06:37,137 --> 00:06:39,372
Here's a song that's been
shooting up the request line
166
00:06:39,406 --> 00:06:41,307
faster than coins are dropping.
167
00:06:41,341 --> 00:06:44,744
It said quarter to five,
but it was quarter to ass
168
00:06:44,778 --> 00:06:47,280
you thought
your plumbing was safe
169
00:06:47,315 --> 00:06:48,948
but your jeans
were half-mast
170
00:06:48,983 --> 00:06:51,151
another coin down the drain
171
00:06:51,185 --> 00:06:54,454
now, that's some change
that won't last
172
00:06:54,488 --> 00:06:56,489
The nature
of the Ass Crack Bandit's crimes
173
00:06:56,523 --> 00:06:59,959
would suggest that he's angry
or just fell in love.
174
00:06:59,993 --> 00:07:02,228
We know that he hates money
or loves it
175
00:07:02,262 --> 00:07:05,131
or doesn't care about money
and hates butts or loves them.
176
00:07:05,165 --> 00:07:06,966
Mm.
Abed, you're special.
177
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,235
Can't you just stand
at the scene of the crime
178
00:07:09,269 --> 00:07:12,104
and see what happened?
179
00:07:13,206 --> 00:07:14,974
[Eerie music]
180
00:07:15,008 --> 00:07:17,710
I see a man...
181
00:07:17,744 --> 00:07:21,514
Using a social disorder
as a procedural device.
182
00:07:21,548 --> 00:07:23,816
Wait, wait, wait,
I see another man.
183
00:07:23,851 --> 00:07:25,852
Mildly autistic
super detectives everywhere.
184
00:07:25,887 --> 00:07:29,623
Basic cable,
broadcast networks.
185
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:33,360
Pain.
Painful writing.
186
00:07:33,394 --> 00:07:37,131
It hurts.
187
00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,099
Okay, ooh, LA LA.
Hickey, what have you got?
188
00:07:39,134 --> 00:07:41,868
Heartburn. It doesn't help me
catch criminals.
189
00:07:41,903 --> 00:07:44,404
Okay. I didn't want
to take drastic measures,
190
00:07:44,438 --> 00:07:46,873
but I've cooked up
a little something.
191
00:07:46,907 --> 00:07:47,907
Chang?
192
00:07:47,941 --> 00:07:49,542
[Whistling]
193
00:07:49,576 --> 00:07:52,811
You better put a quarter
in that crack, Mr. bandit.
194
00:07:52,846 --> 00:07:55,447
Professor hickey.
[Groans]
195
00:07:56,950 --> 00:07:59,251
Whoops.
196
00:08:02,622 --> 00:08:03,856
Hah!
197
00:08:03,890 --> 00:08:06,925
Gotcha!
Whoa! Ha, what do you think?
198
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,227
I think this is spending
too much money on a crime
199
00:08:09,262 --> 00:08:11,129
that nets you 25? a pop.
200
00:08:11,163 --> 00:08:12,964
Ah, no, no.
This was free.
201
00:08:12,998 --> 00:08:16,000
Then I think you just admitted
you already owned a fake butt.
202
00:08:18,203 --> 00:08:20,771
"I am the mad hatter,
if hats were butts.
203
00:08:20,805 --> 00:08:24,507
"I am neither left nor right.
I am the space between.
204
00:08:24,541 --> 00:08:26,275
"To me, you're all like ants
205
00:08:26,310 --> 00:08:28,144
marching to class,
freaks on parade."
206
00:08:28,178 --> 00:08:31,714
I mean, why mix metaphors?
Ants don't have butts.
207
00:08:31,748 --> 00:08:32,748
Wait a minute.
208
00:08:32,783 --> 00:08:35,551
- Ants do have butts.
- No.
209
00:08:35,585 --> 00:08:36,852
These are Dave lyrics.
210
00:08:36,887 --> 00:08:37,920
- Dave?
- Dave Matthews.
211
00:08:37,954 --> 00:08:40,088
Hard-core fans
call him Dave.
212
00:08:40,123 --> 00:08:42,491
Oh, excuse me for being alive
in the '90s
213
00:08:42,525 --> 00:08:44,626
and having two ears
connected to a heart.
214
00:08:44,661 --> 00:08:46,895
Okay, so all we need to do
is assemble a list
215
00:08:46,929 --> 00:08:48,963
of which Greendale teachers
are Dave Matthews fans.
216
00:08:48,998 --> 00:08:51,365
Guess we better get to work.
217
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,535
[Bach's suite no. 3 playing]
218
00:08:54,570 --> 00:08:55,070
219
00:09:00,710 --> 00:09:03,178
- Done.
- Oh.
220
00:09:03,212 --> 00:09:04,913
Thought that would take longer.
221
00:09:04,947 --> 00:09:07,682
So please approve
the Dean's new security measure
222
00:09:07,716 --> 00:09:09,316
called "Troy's law,"
223
00:09:09,351 --> 00:09:14,054
because a camera
in the bathroom...
224
00:09:14,088 --> 00:09:15,422
Is better than a quarter
in your butt.
225
00:09:15,456 --> 00:09:16,623
[Applause]
226
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,792
As we've seen,
the Ass Crack Bandit
227
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:21,728
can be defeated
by using the three "B"s:
228
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:25,264
Belts, briefs, and buddies.
Good.
229
00:09:25,299 --> 00:09:29,269
The bandit always gets
his victims when they're alone.
230
00:09:29,303 --> 00:09:31,404
Bend over with friends over.
231
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,473
There's safety in numbers.
232
00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:36,576
[Screams] I got cracked!
233
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,610
[Screams]
234
00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:39,946
He's under the bleachers!
235
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,948
Everyone remain calm, please!
236
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:45,051
All right, free-for-all!
[Overlapping shouting]
237
00:09:45,086 --> 00:09:46,653
Hey. Where you been?
238
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,622
I questioned Guterman.
We can cross him off.
239
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:49,890
At the time
of the first cracking,
240
00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:51,925
he was chaperoning
Greendale's science dance.
241
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,693
The student that attended
can vouch for him.
242
00:09:53,728 --> 00:09:54,994
I checked out Mrs. Plimpton.
243
00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:56,930
Airtight alibi.
She's dead.
244
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,333
Next on my list is this one.
245
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:02,169
Bublitz.
We're close, I can feel it.
246
00:10:02,203 --> 00:10:04,004
Mmm!
247
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:06,807
This extra long churro
tastes good in my real mouth.
248
00:10:06,841 --> 00:10:10,677
Nom nom nom nom nom.
249
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,349
May I help you?
250
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:19,585
We'd like to ask you
a few questions if that's okay.
251
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,587
He's bolting!
252
00:10:27,328 --> 00:10:28,494
He's there!
253
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:38,537
If you're going to
confiscate this, know one thing.
254
00:10:38,572 --> 00:10:43,509
It's a mild, kind sativa,
perfect for playing guitar.
255
00:10:44,545 --> 00:10:47,580
There's been another...
256
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,350
what the hell?
257
00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:52,919
Destroying classrooms?
258
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:56,523
Secretly investigating teachers
behind my back?
259
00:10:56,557 --> 00:10:58,158
Someone has to investigate
the faculty,
260
00:10:58,192 --> 00:11:01,061
but you're like a single-celled
organism... no nerve.
261
00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:03,296
Annie, you're suspended.
262
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,264
Wait, you can't do that!
263
00:11:05,299 --> 00:11:07,066
Don't tell me what I can't do.
264
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,402
What do you think you are,
Cosmo's July quiz?
265
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:10,903
She was trying to help you.
266
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:12,805
Let me ask you two something.
267
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:15,507
Let me be, like, the 50th person
at this school to ask,
268
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:17,809
what is this, huh?
269
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,312
- What is this creepy business?
- Both: What?
270
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:23,816
I think you two like
to partner up on cutesy capers
271
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,017
so you can hold hands
in the dark
272
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:29,987
and address your urges
in semi-acceptable scenarios.
273
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,255
Whoa, not cool!
274
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:33,959
You not cool!
You unprofessional!
275
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:35,026
I'm punishing you, Jeffrey.
276
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:36,194
Starting next week,
277
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:39,064
you are the new coach
of the water polo team.
278
00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:40,365
Both: What?
- That's right.
279
00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:42,901
Every morning, in the water...
280
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,303
[phone ringing] Mm.
281
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,272
Craig Pelton, Dean
and assistant water polo coach.
282
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:48,474
What?
283
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,009
[Distorted]
This is the Ass Crack Bandit.
284
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,911
- Uh... [Snapping fingers]
- I find it funny
285
00:11:51,946 --> 00:11:53,547
that you ever thought
you could catch me.
286
00:11:53,581 --> 00:11:56,083
Oh, that's very interesting.
Please continue.
287
00:11:56,117 --> 00:11:57,517
I've enjoyed
our game of cat and mouse.
288
00:11:57,552 --> 00:11:58,652
It's funny how close
289
00:11:58,686 --> 00:12:00,353
your two little helpers
came to catching me.
290
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,121
I liked watching them
run in circles.
291
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:03,756
Although sometimes I wonder,
292
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,424
are they chasing me
as an excuse
293
00:12:05,459 --> 00:12:06,692
to get near each other?
294
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:07,927
I mean, get a room already.
295
00:12:07,962 --> 00:12:10,196
We're friends!
296
00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:12,599
Why don't you tell us where
you are, and we'll discuss it?
297
00:12:12,633 --> 00:12:14,100
I am the bringer of change.
298
00:12:14,135 --> 00:12:15,468
I am the filler of cracks.
299
00:12:15,503 --> 00:12:18,972
Oh, that's very interesting.
I myself was in 4h.
300
00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:20,841
[Click, dial tone] Oh!
301
00:12:20,875 --> 00:12:22,643
Trace the call, Rhonda!
302
00:12:22,677 --> 00:12:24,612
[Snapping]
This means trace the call!
303
00:12:24,646 --> 00:12:26,380
Look at the extension.
304
00:12:26,415 --> 00:12:29,116
594. Okay.
305
00:12:29,151 --> 00:12:30,851
Tracing...
306
00:12:30,886 --> 00:12:32,954
Tracing.
307
00:12:32,988 --> 00:12:34,989
Got it, the stables!
We have stables?
308
00:12:35,024 --> 00:12:36,057
Let's go.
309
00:12:37,459 --> 00:12:38,893
[Grunts]
310
00:12:42,364 --> 00:12:45,199
- Creepy.
- I don't know.
311
00:12:45,234 --> 00:12:46,514
Add some doilies
and a foot bath,
312
00:12:46,535 --> 00:12:49,404
and this is my mom's house.
313
00:13:00,449 --> 00:13:01,983
Mush! Mush!
314
00:13:02,017 --> 00:13:04,519
Mush! Yah! Mush!
315
00:13:04,554 --> 00:13:06,187
No, run. Mush! Mush!
316
00:13:06,222 --> 00:13:08,256
Starburns?
317
00:13:08,290 --> 00:13:10,025
[Sighs] [Cats meowing]
318
00:13:10,059 --> 00:13:12,828
Since faking his death
to escape meth charges,
319
00:13:12,862 --> 00:13:16,598
Alex "Starburns" Osbourne
has been living in the stables,
320
00:13:16,633 --> 00:13:19,868
eating garbage,
and trying to build a cat car.
321
00:13:19,903 --> 00:13:22,104
He's also confessed
to dropping coins
322
00:13:22,138 --> 00:13:25,641
down exposed butt cracks.
Case closed.
323
00:13:25,675 --> 00:13:28,077
[Cheers and applause]
324
00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:29,645
- High five?
- Sure.
325
00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:32,548
- No.
- Oh, American high five. Sorry.
326
00:13:32,582 --> 00:13:34,216
[Chuckles] Whoo!
327
00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:36,118
[Applause dies down]
328
00:13:42,525 --> 00:13:43,692
- Oh!
- Ooh!
329
00:13:53,236 --> 00:13:55,503
So much pain.
330
00:13:55,538 --> 00:13:57,005
But now it's time to heal!
331
00:13:57,039 --> 00:13:58,940
You're all invited
to the official
332
00:13:58,975 --> 00:14:01,743
"we caught the Ass Crack Bandit"
dance tonight
333
00:14:01,777 --> 00:14:03,111
in the cafeteria!
334
00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:06,781
[Applause]
335
00:14:08,618 --> 00:14:09,685
Jeff!
336
00:14:09,719 --> 00:14:11,320
There's no way
Starburns did it.
337
00:14:11,354 --> 00:14:14,423
- Innocent people don't confess.
- Are you kidding me?
338
00:14:14,457 --> 00:14:16,658
You knew it was a teacher.
You know that doesn't add up.
339
00:14:16,692 --> 00:14:18,160
Maybe I was wrong.
340
00:14:18,194 --> 00:14:21,463
Or maybe the Dean was right
about us.
341
00:14:21,497 --> 00:14:22,764
What? No.
342
00:14:22,798 --> 00:14:26,101
Annie, I took this case
because I wanted to help you.
343
00:14:26,135 --> 00:14:27,635
Then what is this?
344
00:14:27,670 --> 00:14:29,871
It's platonic shoulder holding.
345
00:14:29,905 --> 00:14:31,773
Look.
346
00:14:31,807 --> 00:14:34,208
Leonard, hello, how are you?
347
00:14:36,478 --> 00:14:40,181
It's a guy who puts quarters
down butt cracks, Jeff.
348
00:14:40,215 --> 00:14:42,483
Let's just let it go.
349
00:14:45,354 --> 00:14:47,922
[Sighs]
350
00:14:47,956 --> 00:14:50,857
We can do better.
351
00:14:53,270 --> 00:14:57,472
Aah! Change is money!
352
00:14:57,506 --> 00:14:59,240
What are you guys,
millionaires?
353
00:14:59,275 --> 00:15:01,409
T-shirts here!
Cracked but not broken, huh?
354
00:15:01,444 --> 00:15:03,078
Who's in?
T-shirts!
355
00:15:03,112 --> 00:15:05,681
T-shirts here!
20 bucks.
356
00:15:09,018 --> 00:15:10,919
- Professor Duncan?
- Yeah?
357
00:15:10,954 --> 00:15:12,654
- Not going to the dance?
- I'll go later.
358
00:15:12,689 --> 00:15:14,649
Oh, actually, would you mind
coming and getting me
359
00:15:14,657 --> 00:15:16,091
when Britta's drunk?
360
00:15:16,125 --> 00:15:18,260
Listen, as Britta's friend,
I should give you this ad...
361
00:15:18,294 --> 00:15:20,028
[Dave Matthews band's
ants marching playing]
362
00:15:20,062 --> 00:15:23,497
Yes!
That is my jam right there.
363
00:15:23,532 --> 00:15:25,366
Dave Matthews fan?
364
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,802
Obviously you're not.
365
00:15:27,836 --> 00:15:30,638
Real fans call him Dave.
366
00:15:30,672 --> 00:15:32,407
Bum bum bum
367
00:15:32,441 --> 00:15:34,909
I've heard this song before.
Hey, Winger, who is this?
368
00:15:34,943 --> 00:15:37,010
What are you talking about?
You don't know who this is?
369
00:15:37,045 --> 00:15:38,812
I remember it from the '90s.
370
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,415
Hee haw haw haw hee haw haw
371
00:15:41,449 --> 00:15:43,650
- It's Dave.
- Lee Roth?
372
00:15:43,685 --> 00:15:45,119
You're not
the Ass Crack Bandit.
373
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:48,022
Shh! Keep it down, huh?
I made a deal with the Dean.
374
00:15:48,056 --> 00:15:49,523
He said as long as I confessed,
375
00:15:49,557 --> 00:15:51,058
he'd let me slide
on the meth stuff,
376
00:15:51,092 --> 00:15:53,227
and then he'd buy me
a space heater for my stable.
377
00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:55,028
Yeah, but why call the Dean
and pretend that...
378
00:15:55,063 --> 00:15:56,396
I didn't call no Dean.
379
00:15:56,431 --> 00:15:59,866
I don't call nobody
don't call me.
380
00:15:59,901 --> 00:16:02,569
I got to go backstage once
and meet the whole band,
381
00:16:02,604 --> 00:16:04,972
everyone... Except Dave.
382
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:08,041
There's a whole album of photos
online if you go to...
383
00:16:08,076 --> 00:16:09,876
you actually wouldn't be able
to access it.
384
00:16:09,910 --> 00:16:13,846
I use an older, British form
of Facebook called "mug-scroll."
385
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:17,183
[Thunder]
386
00:16:17,217 --> 00:16:20,820
[Music continues in background]
387
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,922
- I guess I should be going.
- No, no, stay.
388
00:16:22,956 --> 00:16:24,790
We're just getting to know
each other.
389
00:16:24,825 --> 00:16:26,559
I really shouldn't, I have a...
390
00:16:26,593 --> 00:16:27,660
Oopsie.
391
00:16:27,694 --> 00:16:30,329
Aren't you
going to pick those up?
392
00:16:31,664 --> 00:16:32,998
Yes.
393
00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:36,836
[Music continues]
394
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:41,407
Just... Reach down
with your hand and...
395
00:16:47,247 --> 00:16:49,415
Bye.
396
00:16:54,321 --> 00:16:56,522
[Distorted]
This is the Ass Crack Bandit.
397
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,958
I find it funny that you ever
thought you could catch me.
398
00:16:58,993 --> 00:17:01,027
Jeff.
399
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:03,430
It's Duncan.
400
00:17:03,464 --> 00:17:06,399
[Music playing]
401
00:17:06,434 --> 00:17:06,934
402
00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:12,071
Annie?
403
00:17:12,106 --> 00:17:14,173
Jeff?
404
00:17:14,208 --> 00:17:16,742
Very nice.
[Chuckles]
405
00:17:16,776 --> 00:17:18,410
Oh, bloody hell,
406
00:17:18,445 --> 00:17:21,813
my shoe is untied
by British standards.
407
00:17:21,847 --> 00:17:23,514
[Grunts] Here we go.
408
00:17:23,549 --> 00:17:26,050
One bunny, two bunnies.
409
00:17:26,085 --> 00:17:27,852
Oh! Get Britta!
410
00:17:27,886 --> 00:17:30,388
[People screaming]
Annie! Did Duncan get cracked?
411
00:17:30,422 --> 00:17:33,825
Where's the bandit?
Do you see him?
412
00:17:33,859 --> 00:17:36,828
- Over there!
- Come on, let's get him!
413
00:17:38,698 --> 00:17:40,065
Shirley, what are you doing?
414
00:17:40,099 --> 00:17:41,567
Looking for you.
415
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:43,769
Did you see someone
come this way?
416
00:17:43,803 --> 00:17:47,305
Jeff, Annie, Pierce is dead.
417
00:17:54,380 --> 00:17:58,016
Tonight's celebration was
cut short by some tragic news.
418
00:17:58,051 --> 00:18:00,786
Pierce Hawthorne,
14-year Greendale student,
419
00:18:00,820 --> 00:18:03,356
entrepreneur,
and expert heart attack faker
420
00:18:03,390 --> 00:18:05,892
has passed away,
for real this time.
421
00:18:05,926 --> 00:18:07,660
Pierce had been recently banned
from campus,
422
00:18:07,694 --> 00:18:09,195
but not from our hearts.
423
00:18:09,229 --> 00:18:11,297
He's survived by many ex-wives
424
00:18:11,331 --> 00:18:14,467
and all of us here at Greendale
that called him friend.
425
00:18:14,501 --> 00:18:18,437
If you're listening, Pierce,
you were a hell of a d&d player.
426
00:18:18,471 --> 00:18:19,738
It's time to level up.
427
00:18:19,773 --> 00:18:22,007
Up next on the dial
is Dr. Farts.
428
00:18:22,042 --> 00:18:23,376
[Party horn toots]
429
00:18:27,748 --> 00:18:29,682
I can't believe Pierce is gone.
430
00:18:29,717 --> 00:18:34,053
Yeah.
Life is weird.
431
00:18:34,087 --> 00:18:37,356
It's a container
for all this little stuff,
432
00:18:37,391 --> 00:18:39,392
and you get caught up in it.
433
00:18:39,426 --> 00:18:42,995
And then, the container just...
434
00:18:43,030 --> 00:18:44,997
Pbbt.
435
00:18:45,032 --> 00:18:47,500
That hallway led to a dead end.
436
00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:50,670
We might've had him.
437
00:18:50,705 --> 00:18:54,174
I should get home.
Haven't slept.
438
00:19:00,716 --> 00:19:03,884
The case goes cold again.
439
00:19:06,822 --> 00:19:09,290
Don't worry.
I got a feeling he'll be back.
440
00:19:09,324 --> 00:19:11,659
Or her.
441
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:14,629
[Soulful music]
442
00:19:14,663 --> 00:19:16,063
443
00:19:16,098 --> 00:19:17,598
Ah ah ah ah
444
00:19:17,633 --> 00:19:21,102
445
00:19:21,136 --> 00:19:25,873
25? at a time
he's taking our souls
446
00:19:25,908 --> 00:19:29,544
government men can't help,
we're all alone
447
00:19:29,578 --> 00:19:31,679
are you feeling
the breeze?
448
00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:34,048
Did you pull
your belt tight?
449
00:19:34,082 --> 00:19:39,587
You know that it's wrong,
you know that it's right
450
00:19:39,621 --> 00:19:43,758
out of the shadows
down the coin goes
451
00:19:43,792 --> 00:19:44,292
452
00:19:48,096 --> 00:19:53,367
Why, oh, why
do you suppose?
453
00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:55,303
Only the bandit knows
454
00:19:55,337 --> 00:19:59,841
whoa oh oh oh
oh whoa oh oh oh
455
00:19:59,875 --> 00:20:04,279
ass c-r-a-c-k bandit
456
00:20:04,313 --> 00:20:05,581
whoa oh oh oh
457
00:20:05,615 --> 00:20:08,283
oh whoa oh oh oh
458
00:20:08,318 --> 00:20:12,588
ass c-r-a-c-k
can't stand it
459
00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:15,635
_
460
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:18,845
_
461
00:20:18,864 --> 00:20:21,929
_
462
00:20:21,951 --> 00:20:25,855
_
463
00:20:27,112 --> 00:20:29,779
You know, climate change
is threatening our world,
464
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:31,013
but there is a solution:
465
00:20:31,047 --> 00:20:32,615
The cat car,
466
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,284
the world's first
animal-powered vehicle.
467
00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:37,953
My original prototype
was hunger-based.
468
00:20:37,988 --> 00:20:40,589
But sometimes,
cats aren't hungry.
469
00:20:40,624 --> 00:20:44,092
My new model will use
a rear-fixed dog system.
470
00:20:44,127 --> 00:20:46,194
But dogs cost money,
your money.
471
00:20:46,229 --> 00:20:49,197
By donating to this project,
you'll be like an investor,
472
00:20:49,231 --> 00:20:51,566
except without taking
all my profits.
473
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,502
Donate $5,
and you get a thank-you email.
474
00:20:54,537 --> 00:20:56,338
$50 gets you a t-shirt.
475
00:20:56,372 --> 00:20:58,474
100 gets you a t-shirt and
476
00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,243
a thank-you email. [Cat meows]
477
00:21:00,277 --> 00:21:01,844
All aboard the cat car,
478
00:21:01,878 --> 00:21:05,880
and all aboard helping
our nation's global warming.
479
00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:10,996
480
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,124
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