All language subtitles for Community s05e02 Introduction to Teaching.eng

Hi, everybody. I'm Jeff.
Uhm... Mr. Winger.

And this is Fundamentals of Law.

Any questions?

You, Red Hair.
I'm not gonna learn names.

- Will there be a syllabus?
- "Will there be a syllabus?"

Is good example of a question.
Moving on.

- Ski Cap.
- How are we gonna be graded?

Oh, no spoilers, Ski Cap.

- Maybe we better do names.
- Dave.

What percent of our grade
will the final be?

Come on, guys, percentages,
grades, that syllabus thing...

Are we human beings or just
question-and-answer machines?

We're students.
And you're a teacher.

Yeah. I'm a teacher.

Did you see that?
That teacher just leered at me.

- Ew.
- Hey, look,

it's the star of "Head of the Ass."

Shut up, Leonard!
Nice earring.

You look like the road manager
for the California Raisins.

Whoa! What kind of teacher
talks to a student like that?

- Right?
- Yeah.

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

- Fresh meat, huh?
- Yeah, Jeff Winger, law.

Buzz Hickey, criminology.

You can have that half
of the office, but come spring,

that corner is stacked
to the rafters with fetal pigs.

I won't be here that long.

This is sort of
a temporary gig for me.

Mm, I get it.

Teaching to make ends meet
until a real job comes along,

- yeah, me too.
- Oh, cool. How long have you been...

15 years.
[Laughs]

15 years and counting.
[Laughs]

"Temporary gig."
[Laughs]

Oh, I like you.

Oh, the new table
turned out great, Abed.

Splendid varnishing.

- "Table Mark II"?
- I added that,

and a few custom upgrades.
It's voice activated.

Table, resume table mode.

- Huh?
- Oh.

Table, power down.

Wait! I got a cup on there.

- Oh, teacher man!
- Ee!

It's Professor Winger!

Please don't razz me
about being a teacher.

Teaching is the most noble
profession in the world.

Yeah, tell that to the guy
that shares my office.

He fixes cuckoo clocks for fun.

That sounds like Mr. Hickey,
my criminology professor.

I certainly hope you'll be
a better teacher than him.

Annie, I don't know law.

I wasn't a real lawyer, remember?

I can't just pretend I'm teaching.

I'm not Mythbusters.
[Gasps]

There's a two-day course called
"Nicolas Cage: Good or Bad."

I'm signing up.
I've always wanted to know.

Nicolas Cage is one of pop culture's
greatest mysteries.

Oh, there's a course
on Nicolas Cage,

but if you mention Jesus
to your science teacher,

you get a written warning.

Well, Jesus wasn't in 70 movies.

I'm in.
Cage class, sounds fun.

Jeff, you don't have time
to take a blow-off class.

You need to figure out
what you're gonna

- teach your students.
- Thanks, Annie,

for one glorious second,
I forgot I was a teacher.

[Humming pomp and circumstance]

[Continues humming]

Oh! Look at Mr. Smarty Pants!

[Laughs]
I am so excited!

Jeff is gonna help me
save the school.

Not all by himself.
I am learning Excel.

- Jeff, do you know Excel?
- No.

Well, it looks like you do.
[Laughs]

Yay, teaching!
[Laughs]

I, as you know, am
dramatic professor Sean Garrity,

and you are now embarking
on an odyssey of discussion

about an actor
who keeps the world asking:

Nicolas Cage, good or bad?

Yes, young man?

- So you don't know?
- Mr. Nadir.

Mr. Nadir drove
our TV Studies professor

out of his mind by proving
that there was an answer

to the question "Who's the Boss?"

- Angela.
- I admire your brain, Mr. Nadir.

I did not admire
Professor Sheffield,

but I promise you,
this question has no answer.

Your homework is to watch five
Nicolas Cage films by Wednesday,

no marathons.
Space out your viewings.

Five, that's it?

Be careful, Abed Nadir.

Promise me you will be careful.

I have no idea
how to make a curriculum.

Becoming a teacher
was a huge mistake.

Without a doubt.

That said,
there are certain perks.

- Excuse me.
- Wow.

I didn't know teachers
could cut in line.

I can actually experience
this food warm and disgusting.

Winger, what are you doing?

This line is for food,
not for Lionel Richie tickets.

[Laughter]

This is my house.

Come here.

This man's name is Mr. Winger,

and Mr. Winger is a teacher.

You know what that means?

It means
he gets your meatballs.

Ah, please.
That's all I have.

Get outta here.

Place is a zoo. The trick is,

you gotta show the other baboons
you got a bigger, redder ass.

Let's hit the lounge.

[Soft jazz music playing]

Whoa.

Everybody,
this is the new guy, Winger.

He's having trouble
planning his curriculum.

[Laughter]

What?

Here's all you need to know...

Break into groups,
grade each other's papers,

and please enjoy the seven-disc
edition of Planet Earth.

[Knocking at the door]
Yoo-hoo!

Is there a Mr. Winger in here?
[Chuckles]

Jeffrey, we need to carve out
some time to learn Excel.

Do you guys know Excel?
I'm learning.

You know the rules, Pelton.
Drop the checks and move on.

Oh.
Jeffrey, I'm gonna boot up

my computer and download
the tutor...

[Laughter]

- What was that about?
- Union rules.

Management's not allowed
in the faculty lounge.

I could get used to this.

[Nicolas Cage yelling and fighting]

Nicolas Cage is so weird.

I mean, he seemed scared
to smell that flower

but happy to get shot.

He's a complex performer.
He'll give you The Rock,

Con Air, then Face/Off,
and you think you understand,

but then Windtalkers,
Guarding Tess, The Wicker Man.

He begs you to stop watching,
but you can't.

[Nicolas Cage yelling]

That was an odd choice.

Would you say it was
odd good or odd bad?

Maybe he's just good
in good movies

and then acts crazy in crap
to make drug money.

But is he good, or is he bad?
Every actor is something.

Robert Downey Jr., good,
Jim Belushi, bad.

Van Damme,
the good kind of bad,

Johnny Depp,
the bad kind of good.

There's a spectrum,
and Cage is on it.

I just have to find him.

- I'm gonna go check on Jeff.
- Oh.

[Line ringing]
Hello.

Hey, Jeff,
how's the old curriculum going?

Great. Consider our nation's
youth pre-inspired.

- Want a refill, Winger?
- Mm.

- Is that Hickey?
- Yeah.

We're working on syllabuses.

Hey, let's turd some lockers!
[All cheering]

Gotta go! Teacher thing!

It's "syllabi."

Guterman.
Droppin' mad science?

Ooh, Elaine, take it easy
on the Oxford commas.

Hey, walk, don't run, mister!
This isn't a racetrack!

Okay, dangerous minds,
let's break into groups,

discuss chapter one,
and if you are lucky,

we might sneak in
a little Planet Earth.

Any questions?

Ahem.

Just a few.

Ahh, she in your class, yo!

So, I guess... Uh...
Just...

Read chapter one...

And memorize the federal rules
of civil procedure.

Class dismissed.

Not so fast, Jeff.

I assume you know
why I'm keeping you after class.

Not really. Ski Cap and White Dave
got lots of stuff wrong too.

- You're the teacher, Jeff.
- You don't have to rub it in.

What I saw today was embarrassing.

- [Scoffs]
- You were late,

you clearly had no idea...

Hey!
[Snaps]

You had no idea
what Tort Reform meant,

and when I asked you
to explain the Sixth Amendment,

- you pled the Fifth!
- I know my rights.

No, you don't.
That's the problem.

Here.
I gathered some materials.

Tomorrow morning, before class,

I need to verify
that you know enough to teach.

You're gonna quiz me?
You're the worst.

I wish Troy was in my class
instead of you!

I hate her, I hate her,
I hate her, I hate her,

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her,
I hate her, I hate her.

Hey, wait, I warned you
to separate these worlds.

She's lead, we're chalk.

She needs to be taken out.

Of your class.
I say minus her.

- Minus her?
- Give her A-minuses.

It'll drive her nuts,
she'll drop.

She'll call me on it.
She'll report me.

Teachers don't have to
explain minuses.

Why do you think we invented 'em?

- She's my friend.
- Eh.

You like the Leonard Meatballs?
They added something special.

It's Leonard.

[Laughs]

Come on,
I'm just messing with you.

You done with your bit?
I'd like my earring back.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Go get your earring,
you piece of human garbage.

[Laughs]

[Laughter and chatter]

Uh...

[Gasps]
Oh, my God.

Okay, hey,
I have a working theory,

and don't react until
you've heard the whole thing.

If you watch closely, at the
seven-minute mark in Snake Eyes,

you'll notice the moment
where an alien arm

- could've come up and...
- Abed, this isn't worth it.

Maybe Nicolas Cage is just...
crazy.

All actors are crazy, Annie.
Some crazy actors are good,

some are bad,
but none of them are neither.

There's no such thing as both,
so which one is...

[Nicolas Cage voice]
Nicolas Cage, huh? Oh! Oh!

Okay, so break into groups,

and then,
you guys quiz each other.

Mr. Winger, is that really
the best use of our time?

Seems like the value
of having you here is...

I think my value as a teacher
is to teach you how to learn.

I think you're telling us
we should teach ourselves.

I don't think you're gonna learn
if I tell you how to think.

I think if you tell us what you think,
then we'll learn that.

I thought you should
break into groups,

but you failed to learn that,
so your theory's invalid.

[Students jeering and laughing]
Ooh, snap.

Break into groups.

Mr. Winger,
how did you do that?

- Do what?
- You won an argument

- against Annie Edison.
- You don't argue with Annie,

Garrett, you let her argue
with herself until she loses.

- You can win by not arguing?
- Yeah, Ski Cap.

Anyone that tries to argue
has already lost,

because they pick
an argument to lose.

I mean, that's why
I never lost a case.

Prosecutors beat themselves,
because they d... Here.

Because they draw a circle

around something called
"The Truth,"

and they say that everything
outside it is a lie.

Annie,

don't cry, you were right.

I actually might enjoy teaching.

I'm not crying because of you.

I got this from Professor Hickey.

What the hell?
He gave you a dead rat?

No, this is my
witness intimidation project.

He gave me this.

A-minus.

I guess I overextended
my schedule.

I'm sorry, Jeff.
I have to drop your class.

Okay, thoughts on Nicolas Cage.

I think he's a genius.
I mean, he keeps getting hired

for some reason, and
it's not because of his hair.

I don't know, if I was
in 70 films over 30 years,

and I spent each one
talking at random volumes,

I might accidentally
win an Oscar.

I think our opinions
about pop culture are fed to us

by machines designed to criminalize

- human autonomy.
- [Interrupting] Good one.

Dear God.

- Abed.
- No, stand back.

Give him space.

Nicolas Cage, good or bad.
A challenge, certainly,

but not unsolvable,

because all actors
have distinct values,

which I use to find answers.

Abed, how much Nicolas Cage
did you...

Enough!

I watched enough to find...
[laughs] the answers.

[Laughs] Because this...
this is my reality,

this is how I learned to be,
and my being

doesn't allow for Nicolas...

[Nicolas Cage voice]
Freaking Cage, okay?

Oh, yeah!
[Laughs]

Yeah! Oh! Oh!

[Yelling like Nicolas Cage]

Oh, I'm a cat.
I'm a sexy cat.

[Laughing]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

O-o-ohh!

Abed?
Think of something safe

like Holly Hunter,
or Don Cheadle!

[Running away]
Abed? Abed!

That was brilliant.

You gave Annie an A-minus?

How could you?
What were you thinking?

- Are you drawing a peanut?
- It's a duck,

and it's none of your concern,
actually.

Are you trying to cartoon?

Trying and succeeding.
State your business.

I want to know
what kind of monster

minuses the best student
in his class.

I'm a monster?

I was in the storm drain lair
of the Black River Ripper.

I have seen human heads used
for things other than heads,

so best not be calling me
a monster.

Okay, you're a bad teacher.

- I got her off your back.
- I was handling it.

Unlike you, I know
how to engage my students.

I mean,
I may not love teaching,

but I did fool around
with it today,

and I may hook up with it again
a few more times

even if I do dump it
right before Christmas.

- We do not work for them.
- Maybe we do.

That does not count
as an argument.

Yeah, well, drawing ducks
doesn't count as cartooning!

It's one duck, his name is Jim,

and publishers are interested!

Miss Edison, good news.

I talked to Professor Hickey
and it turns out

your project was an "A."

You used your connections
to change my grade?

No, an A-minus means
you actually earned an "A,"

but the teacher doesn't like you.

- It's a secret faculty thing.
- What?

- Are you kidding?
- Et tu, Brute?

Am I using that right?

I've been busting my butt
for five years,

and the whole thing comes down

to a few old losers'
petty insecurities?

- Oligarchy!
- Et tu, Brute!

- We've got to tell people!
- Mm.

Minuses are made up!

It's riot time! Yeah!

Ugh! Bring me their heads!

[Screams]

Pop pop!

[All screaming]

Abed? I couldn't find you
at school, so I got worried.

You're throwing away
all your little movies, why?

They have no value anymore.

Well, if you're looking
for something to believe in,

I know a skinny, little
Hebrew handyman you could meet.

I'm not going to become
Christian, Shirley,

or a better Muslim.

This was my religion.

I thought the meaning of people
was somewhere in here.

Then I looked inside Nicolas Cage
and I found a secret.

People are random and pointless.

Well, in my religion,
the whole point

is that you can't understand
every little thing,

and you know, there's a word
for people who remind you

that you're not God, and invite
you to try a little harder.

Prophets, messiahs,
kung fu pandas.

- So Nicolas Cage is Jesus?
- Uh, no,

but he clearly works
in mysterious ways,

and maybe that's just his job.

And that's why critics can
call him a genius or an idiot

and be right no matter what.

A demon to some and an angel
to others, like a cenobite.

Excuse me,
did you say cenobite?

Yeah, you know, cenobite,
like from Hellraiser.

You like Hellraiser?
You know the word "Hellraiser"?

I thought pinhead in space
was a bit of a letdown,

but I'm in for the ride.

[Yelling and fighting]

Rise up, Greendale!

Your teachers have been
lying to you!

You deserve
slightly higher grades!

ALL: Slightly higher grades!
Slightly higher grades!

The whole world is watching this!

- Yeah!
- Oh, wait.

I'm out of data minutes.

The whole world will be watching
this on the first of next month!

ALL: Slightly higher grades!
Slightly higher grades!

- Jeffrey, do something!
- Slightly higher grades.

Distract them.
Take your shirt off!

- Here.
- ALL: Slightly higher grades!

- Slightly higher grades!
- Everybody,

calm down! Just listen!

Do you think the students
and teachers at Harvard

are at each other's throats?
No, because they're all rich.

We all have something
in common too.

We all suck. We're all broke.

We all just went
through an entire week

of meatball lunches
without even blinking.

Oh, that's on me.

I converted the lunch menu
to a spreadsheet.

The teachers here
are teachers here

because they did something
wrong, same as the students.

So get on the same team,
because, take it from me,

those of us that get to leave
aren't going anywhere.

- ALL: Boo!
- No, you suck!

[All jeering]
Ugh!

Jeffrey, go with my
"take off your shirt" plan!

May I point out
that you're doing this together?

It's all based on rows
and columns of cells.

I think that's why
the call it "Excel."

- I don't care.
- Mm-kay,

now, I know it's unrealistic

to think that we can
eliminate riots completely,

but I have been
crunching the numbers,

and I believe
we can reduce them by 40%.

Let's hope the man
doesn't target you

- for dreaming this big.
- Here's my plan.

You know that "Save Greendale"
committee you pretended to form?

We need one of those for real.

I want a student/teacher
alliance, with you in charge.

- I vote myself out.
- You don't have a quorum.

And don't forget, if I fire you,
you're likely starve and die,

so you know.

Do you want me
to cut your meatball?

[Clears throat]

All right, look, there are
two things I don't do well,

apologies and
drawing duck bills.

I lost perspective.
Students aren't the enemy,

and, I don't know, maybe
my bills are a little pointy.

Maybe I'm basing them on beaks.

Apologize to Annie.

I did, I gave her an "A."

I don't know how else
to make it right.

Oh. I guess, I don't know,
I quit.

I got a better idea.

As our first order of business

for the student/teacher
Save Greendale Committee,

we hereby ban the Dean
from attending future meetings.

- ALL: Yeah.
- Our second order of business...

- Lunch.
- Yeah.

[Clears throat]

I'm taste-testing rations
for the shelter I'm digging.

Are you the coolest person
in the world?

I doubt it.

I would like to address
the fact that there are

no Asian-Americans
represented here.

We can get Chang.

No need to rush into anything,
I just wanted to address it.

Anybody want some nuts?

__

__

__

__

__

- Quiet, I think he's just coming.
- This is gonna be hilarious.

[Clears throat]

Yeah, pharmacy please.

Yeah, this is Buzz Hickey.

I think you gave me
the wrong medication.

I usually get Lipitor.

What do you mean my insurance
won't cover it anymore?

My body doesn't respond well
to the generic stuff.

Let me ask you a question, lady,
can you pay out of pocket?

I'm an educator, ma'am,
living on a teacher's salary!

No, I-I'm sorry.
What's your name?

Leia, well, let me
tell you something, Leia,

I wake up every night screaming.

Life is unfair,
but it's the only thing we g...

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'll call back later.

Mom, it's Buzz. I'm gonna
say this as fast as I can.

We can't afford to bury dad
with the rest of the family.

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