Original subtitles

I'm Agent Rick Martinez.

Let me be the first to welcome you to the CIA.

And this is the story of America's great house of spies.

You've heard of office politics?

Ours come with poison pills and guns.

Spy trap.

I knew this was going to be a fiasco.

I've been assigned to a special covert unit,

conceived to go where others can't,

and to do what others won't,

whether the mission's authorized or not.

We each have our own special skill, Martinez.

I lead, Billy charms people,

Casey hurts people, and you translate.

We are the ODS, last of the old-school spies.

Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com

This is a hospital?

It's more like a Ritz-Carlton.

It's a hospital for billionaires.

Two bodyguards outside Mehrak's room.

Did you get his room service order?

Ten minutes ago.

He ordered mung bean porridge.

He's looted billions from his national treasury

yet he chooses to order mung bean porridge.

He was a man of simple peasant tastes

before taking power by slaughtering half his country.

Sure, but mung beans?

Even the words taste awful.

Is the orderly bringing it up?

An orderly is.

Room service. Hot porridge.

No weapons.

Apologies, Mac.

You are here to kill me?

I need you to micturate into this cup.

Micturate?

Micturate.

Sure.

One cup of dictator's urine, as ordered.

Oh, that's so sweet.

The other boys only ever bring me flowers.

Take it to the medical unit.

That urine sample was the last piece of the puzzle needed

to identify Mehrak's medical condition.

I love puzzles.

Sudoku guy.

Big-time.

Operative Blanke, what are you doing here?

I saw you guys in the hallway-- thought you might be going for smoothies.

Now why would we be doing that?

Uh, smoothies are delicious.

What does Mehrak have?

Kidney disease?

Lung disease? Heart disease?

They were all possibilities. Bird flu?

We needed a sample of his bodily fluids to know.

Aha.

Effective strategy.

Just like when Soviet Premier Khrushchev

visited the United States in 1959,

the Agency rerouted the plumbing from his guest suite bathroom.

Messy business.

But good thing urine is sterile.

Oh, it is. Unless you've got a disease.

Which he does. Liver cancer. Advanced.

Belada Mehrak, leader of his nation,

president for life, butcher of Miristan

has only weeks to live.

This is good, right?

This guy's a monster?

No, he's a son of a bitch.

This guy is a monster. Mehrak's son-- Sadegh.

He's the designated heir.

Sadegh commands the secret police.

He tortures for fun,

and will make his father look like a humanitarian

if he ever makes it into power.

Which brings us to our other problem.

Two weeks ago four American hikers

were arrested as spies

for accidentally crossing over into Miristan.

And once Sadegh is in charge,

he'll roast them for sheer pleasure.

Exactly.

What about extraction?

We have no idea where they're being held. Is that an option?

That country is a police state.

Every other building is a prison.

So, if we aren't pulling them out, what are we doing?

Making Mehrak change his mind about who will succeed him.

He has another son, lacks the family vicious streak.

Rostam.

He left his homeland ten years ago to live in London.

He's a, uh, part-time philanthropist

and full-time party boy who's been spending

his father's money for the past decade.

Quite wisely, by the looks of things.

In the interest of full disclosure,

I, um,

knew him... briefly in London.

Oh.

Were you two, uh...?

Slight acquaintances.

There you go.

All right, so all we have to do is get an SOB dictator

to disown the son who's a chip off the old block

in favor of the frivolous playboy

who disowned him ten years ago.

Any thoughts?

Operation Mincemeat.

Uh-huh.

Mincemeat. A classic.

One of the greatest deception schemes ever.

1943.

The Allies were about to invade Nazi-occupied Europe in Sicily.

They wanted to fool the Germans into thinking

they were landing somewhere else,

so they found a dead body,

and dressed it as a military courier

carrying bogus invasion plans.

And then they faked a plane crash at sea,

the Germans found the body, read the plans,

and put their forces in the wrong place.

Yeah, and Hitler lost, so it was a happy ending.

Sounds great.

Where do we get a dead body?

Isn't he a beaut?

Lovely. Can we keep him?

He's all ours.

He's going to be a courier from a Swiss bank

carrying documents showing CIA payoffs to Sadegh,

Mehrak's heir apparent.

Mehrak's paranoid, right?

Typical dictator mentality? Doesn't trust anyone?

Mm-hmm. He has beheaded a cousin or two.

Ah. So we frame the bad son.

Bad son gets his head chopped off, our guy is in.

Looks familiar.

That's because you saw his obituary

in the agency newsletter.

He was the deputy chief, file records section.

He always wanted to get into the field.

He's finally getting his chance to serve.

He'd be so proud.

Operation Mincemeat?

Exactly. Then we just wait for the corpse

and the phony documents to wash ashore,

and to be discovered by Mehrak's men.

Sounds grisly.

But it might just work.

There is one hurdle,

which I'll let Martinez describe,

since the two of you are sleeping together,

and there's an emotional component.

Swaying the dictator

to choose Rostam will be useless

if Rostam doesn't give up his party life in Europe.

He needs to return back to his homeland.

It's a tough order.

The Rostam I remember preferred the French Riviera

to the muddy flats of Miristan.

That's exactly why we need someone...

Someone female.

...to help persuade him.

And she would have to be beautiful,

charming.

Maybe somebody that he already knows.

There's a charity ball

in London day after tomorrow that he's scheduled to attend.

She could be there.

After, of course, she takes

the company credit card to Giorgio Armani

and buys herself a ravishing dress for the occasion.

Seriously,

you don't know where we're headed with this?

Of course I do.

I just wanted to see what else you were gonna bribe me with.

Sounds like fun. I'll do it.

Great. But even if Mincemeat works,

there's no guarantee that Dad will choose the playboy son

over the psychopath.

Sadegh's been whispering

in his father's ear for a decade.

That's why Dorset and Collins will be whispering in the other.

St. Ignatius' pinky toe.

Wasn't St. Ignatius eaten by lions 2,000 years ago?

Well, apparently, the lions missed a bite.

And we're looking

at this because...?

Belada Mehrak spent a half million dollars acquiring it.

Why?

It's believed to have healing powers.

How's the toe working out for him?

Evidently, not well.

Over the past six months, he's been buying up

every religious relic he can get his hands on.

He's seen quacks peddling everything from shark cartilage

to invisible surgery.

He knows he's dying.

But can't accept it.

The Swiss doctors offered him palliative care.

He decided to find a cure.

Another desperate narcissist

who thinks the world can't go on without him.

He's looking for a miracle.

Maybe we can provide it.

You want to offer a dying man a fake cure?

I know morally, this is a gray area...

I love it. I'm in.

Okay.

One of our cover companies

in the health field has reached out to Mehrak

and offered him an experimental drug.

He's expressed interest, so I'll go in posing as a doctor.

Billy can be my nurse.

Why would you be the doctor?

Because I studied pre-med for two years.

And he has a God complex.

Don't be offended. So do I.

Fine. We can both be doctors.

Anyway, we'll administer

a cocktail of adrenaline and steroids.

He'll feel great, at least for a time,

and in that time, he'll want to trust us.

Mission approved.

You hop on the father, I'll hop on the son.

I misspoke.

Well, let me tell you, just wait until the dancing starts.

Look at him go.

Three beautiful women throwing themselves at him,

and Rostam acts like it's just another Wednesday night.

Oh, it's easy to seduce women

when you have a vast fortune and a megawatt smile.

Mm.

Kudos to his dentist.

Here comes Ferrer.

Holy moly.

Head in the game, Martinez. Head in the game.

I cannot believe you've never been to Ibiza.

It is the most beautiful island in the world.

Rostam Mehrak?

My God. Is this Adele Ferrer?

Mm.

How, uh, lovely to see you again.

And lovely to see you.

Mmm.

That's for my sister.

And her baby-- your baby.

What are you talking about?

It's okay. It's okay.

Ladies, wait. This woman...

She was 16.

What are you...? Wait, ladies.

That was delicious.

Order me one?

I never even met your sister.

Oh, I don't have one.

I just wanted to be alone with you.

I didn't remember you being a crazy person.

Well, people change.

Adele Ferrer.

Mmm. How have you been?

I'm good, I'm good.

You're looking well.

She is extraordinary.

Yeah.

I really believe she wants to sleep with him.

So...

You are the new doctors?

Yes, sir. We've just arrived,

and we're eager to start your treatment.

Have you disposed of the last two doctors?

They're enjoying our hospitality at the private facility.

Their therapy sounded promising.

But it had no effect.

I could only conclude they were fakers.

What have you brought me?

The venom of the blue devil octopus.

Ah.

Well...

We shall see.

I am ready for to get out now.

Doctors, hup, hup.

"Whatever the patient needs."

Whew!

Maybe you should go back downstairs.

Oh, he'll show.

Trust me.

What did you whisper to him?

I think it's important to have secrets in this business,

don't you, Operative Malick?

Hi.

Sorry. I couldn't get away until...

Oh.

I know I seem open-minded, but this really isn't my thing.

Hello, Mr. Mehrak.

We were hoping to speak with you.

Very well. Speak.

Mr. Mehrak,

you father and brother brutally oppress

the people of Miristan.

Your country needs something different.

United States is interested in you returning home

and assuming your rightful place.

Is that so?

Well, it's unfortunate for the United States

that I don't give a damn what it's interested in.

I'm returning to the party now.

You're welcome to join me.

I don't think you understand what we're offering.

With our assistance, you could become a very powerful man.

Power is overrated.

Look at me-- no power, but full of joy.

I intend to stay that way.

Good day.

Your father is dying.

He has cancer,

incurable.

He has a few weeks to live at best.

Another lie?

No. Sorry.

That is the octopus venom?

One of the deadliest substances found in nature.

One drop could kill the average man.

But when diluted in an alkaline medium

and injected into the bloodstream,

it produces marked anti-cancer effects.

Why have I never heard of this?

Drug companies don't want you to know.

You see, they make so much more money from the sick.

Now I don't want you

to be afraid of any dangerous side effects.

I fear nothing.

Give me the full potency

of this venom, Doctor.

You are a very brave man.

Now, some of our patients

start to feel the effects almost immediately.

Anything yet, sir?

I feel...

Good.

I feel...

Very good.

Why have you not brought this to me sooner?

Well, we have been trying to reach you, sir,

but we faced nothing but constant rejection.

Mm-hmm. Until now.

Tell me,

who's been in charge of your care?

My son Sadegh.

Are you saying my son

would deny me the best care?

Oh, no, of course not.

I'm sure he's looking out for your best interests.

The important thing is we're here now.

Let's hope it's not too late.

Sadegh!

Easy, take it easy.

Look.

Look, these men,

they are working miracles.

That is wonderful, Father.

May I have a word with you, Doctors?

So, what did you give him?

Amphetamines?

Steroids?

If you're implying we're not who we say we are...

I'm not implying anything.

I know who you are.

You are just another couple of con men

who have come here to prey on

my father's vulnerable state.

Look, I don't know who was here before us,

but we can help your father.

Whoa, let's not get silly.

You are a couple of miracle workers,

so that means if I were to push this through your hand,

you can cure yourself, right?

If my father wants to believe in

a couple of charlatans, so be it.

I will let a dying man have some comfort.

But never forget,

I know who you are.

As long as we have that cleared up.

What's the status of Mincemeat?

Operative Farmer is in country

with the latest addition to the team.

And Signals Section is standing by

to broadcast a fake SOS from an unidentified plane

so the authorities will be looking for a wreckage.

Good.

Have you had the chance

to inquire about our imprisoned hikers?

We've been pretty busy with Mehrak.

And do you have his ear?

Not yet, but his son Sadegh almost had my hand.

With him hovering, we're not going

to get anywhere near those hikers.

Well... Rostam is on his way,

so that should move the plan forward.

Well, hope he's bringing an army,

because his brother's in charge of the one here.

Now, bear in mind, Your Excellency,

this much venom can cause some numbness.

Which is quite normal.

Rostam!

Welcome home.

Yes, welcome, brother.

It's just a visit.

I-I wanted to see you.

Untrue. I-I heard you're not well.

I am fine.

Even better now.

They are filling me

with venom from the sea.

Insane, no?

Its effects on your father have been quite favorable.

Favorable? I could give this man

a run for his money in a brothel.

Glad you're feeling better, Father.

Especially if he keeps writing you checks, right, brother?

I'm not here about money.

Oh, then, to what do we owe the honor?

For the last ten years,

you couldn't put enough distance between

yourself and this man. Now when he's unwell,

you show up? Did you bring a will for him to sign?

Guess any actual human emotion would be foreign to you.

Don't worry, Rostam.

Your allowance will not stop

when I do.

I'm not here... about my allowance.

But you are still cashing the checks.

If I may just interject.

No. Your father...

And if you interrupt again, I will shoot you myself.

Well, then, I need to interrupt.

Your father is our patient,

and this family circus is the last thing he needs right now.

He needs his rest.

Yes. We will resume this later.

Doctors' orders.

"He that has no fools,

"knaves or beggars in his family

was begot by a flash of lightning."

It's Thomas Fuller.

Oh, trust me. It's appropriate.

Okay?

Voila!

You like his suit?

From the best men's store in Zurich.

Excellent drape.

Jacquard stitching.

Super-220 merino wool.

It is so refreshing to work with someone

who appreciates the details.

His aftershave is Paul Moulin.

$30 an ounce.

Wow.

Vice President of Zurich Merchants Bank.

Membership card

to the Swiss-American Chamber of Commerce.

VIP to Madame Kitty's Erotic Emporium?

Best cat house in the Zurich red-light district.

You didn't want to go with Cecile's place?

He's not that kind of guy.

That kind of guy?

He's a corpse.

He's a work of art.

And I'd appreciate it

if you'd treat him as such.

Grab his feet.

Excuse us.

What do you want?

We just wanted to make sure you were all right.

Oh, so, you're psychiatrists, as well as snake oil salesmen?

Maintaining a positive outlook

is critical to your father's recovery.

All this family drama-- it can be disruptive

to the healing process.

Oh, well, then, you'll be relieved to know

I-I won't be around

to disturb whatever mystical healing energies

you're directing at my father.

Yes. You're leaving?

It was a mistake to come.

That scene downstairs

was actually one of the more civilized conversations

I've ever had with my brother.

If you'll excuse me...

Before you go,

there's something we were hoping you could do for us.

There's four American hikers being held.

Yes, I'm aware of the situation. By your father.

What do you want me to do about it?

We'd like to see them.

In your capacity as doctors.

It would be a humanitarian gesture.

You're the ruler's son. You could get us in.

Who are you really?

I think I met some of your friends in London.

Doesn't matter who we are.

But those hikers are not spies.

They're just some kids who took a wrong turn

and we want to make sure they're all right.

Do one good deed before you go.

What?

You didn't realize that places like this existed

in the loving bosom of your own country?

I knew we had such places.

You just didn't make the connection

they put actual people in such places.

There they are.

Ma'am.

I'm not up on Maristanese,

but that sounded like a right royal ass-chewing to me.

Who's that?

It's my old English tutor.

What's he doing here?

I don't know.

Mr. Sajadi, do you remember me?

I've been in London all this time, as you encouraged me.

I am not afraid of you.

Afraid of me? Why would you be afraid of me?

I have done nothing.

My family has done nothing.

Why? I don't know what's going on. Why are you in this place?

I am here because I am weak, and you are powerful.

That's why I'm in this place.

Wait, Mr. Sajadi, you have to tell me...

How are our hikers doing?

Scared to death, but they're hanging in there.

There a problem?

"And now am I, if a man should speak truly,

little better than one of the wicked."

Shakespeare always cut right to the heart of things, didn't he?

That man taught me everything.

Now look at him.

Look at them all.

Welcome, brother.

A little airplane debris to keep it real.

Now for the coup de grace--

proof of deposit of $5 million from the CIA

to the credit of President for Life Mehrak's evil son.

Ready to launch.

Lord, by the power of Your word,

you stilled the chaos of the primeval seas...

Martinez.

What are you doing?

It's, uh...

It's a prayer

for burial at sea.

I thought I'd show some respect.

Never mumble a prayer.

As we commit the earthly remains of our brother to the deep,

grant him peace and tranquility.

Amen. Amen!

You know what?

Sometimes, you get me right in the ticker.

Yeah. We good?

All right, he washes ashore in about 15 minutes,

Mehrak's goons find the body,

our man Rostam takes over the country,

and all is well with the world.

What happened?

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh"?

It's gone. Done. We lost it.

First time that's happened. Ever!

I did two buoyancy tests on that body.

Bottom line, we need another corpse.

Well. That's unfortunate,

because we just intercepted a communication

between Sadegh and his guards, saying they've arrested

Operatives Dorset and Collins.

Okay. Then we need another corpse soon.

Can you get another body locally?

We'll find a volunteer.

One that floats.

What about documentation?

The password and ID sank with the body.

I'll need some support from headquarters on this one.

Well, then I'm your man.

Six years of printing and docs.

Talk about carpal tunnel.

Go ahead, guys, feed me.

He's vice president of the Zurich Merchants Bank.

I'll need a Dubai work visa, Swiss passport,

and proof of a payoff

from Langley to Sadegh,

so Mehrak'll pick Rostam.

Do you need to be writing this down?

You're looking at a human Polaroid. Photographic memory.

We'll need the passport and those documents fast.

Oh, it'll be fast, Jack.

We'd love to stay and chat,

but we gotta go steal a corpse.

Well...

I never thought I'd say this following those words,

but good luck.

They are spies.

That is the only explanation.

American spies.

Colluding with your son to overthrow you.

Rostam took us to see the prisoners,

so we could look at their medical condition.

We are doctors.

Doctors?

You peddle magical fish venom.

By the way, I'm Scottish.

And your father is markedly improved.

They're liars. Execute them.

And send Rostam into exile.

What do you think, Rostam?

Are they liars?

I believe they are who they say they are.

And I believe they are helping you.

He is in league with them.

You do not want me to live.

Father.

This treatment is working.

Are you so eager

to take my place

that you wish to hasten my death?

No.

And this... treatment, it's not real.

Soon enough we will know.

Either I recover,

or I die.

And if that happens...

...you may do with them what you wish.

Well, that's wonderful news.

We look forward to his input.

Thank you so much.

So?

Well, the White House appreciates that

we've located the hikers.

But they won't approve a rescue attempt,

for fear of risking casualties

and provoking an international incident.

However, the vice president has taken a particular interest

in this operation,

and his office would like me to personally brief him

on developments every hour on the hour.

Which means...

A total and complete lack of confidence.

Exactly.

There's only one option for all of us then.

Operation Mincemeat has to succeed.

Look at this palooka.

Hands like a stone cutter.

That suit doesn't exactly scream "Zurich banker," either.

Hey. I went to the best men's shop in town.

It's not my fault that every guy in this hellhole

dresses like Borat.

Where'd you get him, anyway?

The cemetery.

We grabbed the casket while the gravedigger was on a break.

Do you have the paperwork?

Listen,

the first body was the winner.

But I guess this one will do in a pinch.

Oh, good. Thanks.

And what if it doesn't?

What happens to Michael and Billy?

Look,

at the end of the day,

we gotta dance with the corpse we came with.

One last thing.

What are you doing?

It's not a passport without a passport photo.

Could you open up those eyes for me?

Please?

Say "cheese."

Thank you for putting in a good word for us with your father.

I'm sure Sadegh's already pouring more poison in his ears.

If I were to stay here,

and attempt to take power, what kind of support

could I expect from your country?

Logistics. Communications.

Financial assistance.

Help in writing a constitution

and laws that protect personal freedoms.

My brother would kill me first.

And my father still supports him.

We have an idea about that.

No. No assassinations.

There's too much blood here already.

There is an operation underway

to make you your father's heir, and

it is blood-free.

No.

No? No, what?

No. No.

Do you understand what kind of man you're asking me to be?

A decent one?

This is not a country that is accustomed to decency.

Yes, It eats decent people for breakfast.

And you can change it.

Change it how? Look at me.

I wouldn't know how to begin.

Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy,

Abraham Lincoln.

What you talking about?

Frivolous playboys.

Churchill took an entire wine cellar with him

when he went to the Boer War.

Kennedy had so many one-night stands,

his friends couldn't count that high,

and Lincoln, well, he consorted with prostitutes.

Honest Abe?

Google it.

And then Lincoln went on

to save the Union.

Kennedy, he faced down the Soviet empire,

and Churchill, well,

he saved the entire Western world as we know it today.

All you have to do

is reform one tiny little country.

Wine and women optional.

Yes.

I understand.

My father wants to see us right away.

Father?

Last night a small plane violated our airspace

and went down in the sea.

The militia found this man washed up on our shore

a few hours ago.

Might be a little late to be calling for a doctor.

Do either of you recognize this man?

No.

He seems to know one of you.

He was carrying a document from a Swiss bank.

Apparently,

the CIA has been in business

with someone close to me.

This records the transfer

of $5 million to that person's account.

Who is the traitor?

It is my son Rostam.

What?

Aided by these gentlemen, no doubt.

Father I know nothing about this.

Father. Don't do this.

I don't get it.

I mean, Farmer's work is usually so top drawer,

but this, this is not the guy we met in Virginia.

I'd be willing to look past the wrong body,

if the document it was carrying

had the correct name on it.

Would either of you care to explain

how this is part of your plan?

Love to, if we could.

Do you know the pain it causes me

to be betrayed by my own son?

Father, I left here because I could not accept

the way you treated our people.

I never hid that from you.

But I never betrayed you.

Never.

I never betrayed you.

I know the CIA is smart,

but I did not rise

from army corporal to president for life because I am stupid.

What are you talking about?

They plant documents,

make me suspect my son,

but the documents are full of errors; amateurish.

Contrived to divert suspicion from the real traitor:

Sadegh.

I have contacted the army,

told them I have chosen my successor.

You shall lead, my son.

Father!

Did not see that coming.

It was a bit random.

They were loyal to your brother,

as is most of the palace guard.

You must get out of here.

If you can make it to the Parliament building,

the army will protect you. Can you do that?

Yes.

And what of your country?

Are you ready to lead when I'm gone?

Yes, Father.

Then all you must do is survive your brother.

Who are you calling?

We have a couple of friends in town.

Hello?

Martinez, this is Dorset. Where are you?

Been trying to find a burger joint.

What do you think I'm doing?

What's your situation?

About to exit the palace out the back entrance.

Can you make it to the bridge

near the east garden?

I don't know. Hang on.

Rostam, can we get to the bridge over the garden?

Yeah.

We're on our way.

Where is he?

Thank you, brother.

I didn't think I'd have a chance to kill you myself!

Good to go.

The hiker's plane is on the ground

at Reagan National Airport.

Belada Mehrak expired at 0700 hours this morning.

The transfer of power to his son Rostam

had already occurred without incident.

The Navy divers were able to locate and recover

the remains of Mincemeat body number one,

Bob Saperstein.

He will be buried at Arlington.

His family has requested that they be allowed.

Oh, by all means. To keep the suit.

Sounds like all's well that ends well.

I have just received a call

from the office of the Vice President.

His motorcade is on its way over.

Why? Now.

He wants to personally commend the operatives

who were involved in rescuing the hikers

and effecting regime change in Miristan.

How thoughtful.

That's good news, isn't it?

You're not the one throwing together a commendation ceremony

in 30 minutes, Deputy Director!

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

I-m-I'm just under a lot of stress right now.

I don't know about this commendation stuff.

You got a job to do, you do it.

No need to pin a medal on your chest.

Aw, lighten up, Farmer. Enjoy the moment.

Something you care to share with us, Blanke?

Words can't convey it.

I'll say it anyway. Good, let's keep it that way.

The heroism, the pride.

Do you know who came down here for this?

The Vice President himself. I saw him with my own eyes.

I'll try to keep from swooning.

So which one of you orators is gonna deliver

the gracious acceptance speech?

I say it should be Farmer.

It was his twist on the plan that sealed the deal.

Even if it did scare the bleeding hell out of us.

What are you talking about?

Putting Rostam's name on the documents instead of Sadegh's,

knowing that Mehrak would suspect the whole thing was

a ruse and using it to our advantage.

Wait a minute.

It was Rostam's name on the documents?

Uh-huh.

I told you Sadegh.

He's the guy we were setting up.

I made that crystal clear.

Tell him.

I definitely remember you saying "Sadegh."

And I remember you bragging

about your photographic memory.

Oh, my God.

I...

Those names over there are so confusing.

Because you screwed up...

The mission was a success.

But you guys could have died.

The bad son would have taken over.

Violence, mayhem.

The hills of Miristan running red

with blood. Your blood. Oh.

I suggest we keep this to ourselves.

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