Original subtitles

( blues theme playing )

Just when I thought TV couldn't get any dumber.

I saw this show last night, I didn't catch the name,

but they ought to just call it Antique CrapFest.

You know, this-- This yokel brings in

this battered old spittoon,

and some genius tells him how much it's worth.

That's it. That's the whole show.

I can hardly wait for High Definition TV

so I can see that with a sharper picture.

You're early, Becker,

totally depriving me of the chance of saying:

"Oh, God, he'll be here any minute."

You--? You do that?

What are you, new?

Why so early?

No traffic. Caught every light.

Found a parking spot right out front.

Sounds like your lucky day. No, Reg, no such thing.

It's just a "good-traffic, good-parking day." That's all.

REG: What's your problem?

Would a lucky day destroy your view of life

as a bleak and punishing hell?

Oh, it took you a while, Reg,

but you finally figured him out.

I'm taking a paper here, Jake. Okay.

Oh, hell. What's wrong?

I lost my wallet.

Well, the-- There's your lucky day for you. Ah, shoot.

You know, not only was it perfectly molded to my butt,

but I gotta-- I gotta go get

new credit cards, driver's license...

And, oh, you know that little card you get from the car wash?

You get one free with every ten you have?

I was up to eight.

I've seen your car. What's that? Four years down the drain?

( chuckling ) Yeah, very nice, very nice.

Well, as long as I'm already suffering,

I might as well let you cook me breakfast.

What is all this stuff?

I'm doing something I've been putting off.

I'm cleaning this place from top to bottom.

You seem awfully cheerful about it.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Maybe it's that sense of renewal,

or maybe it's that feeling of personal accomplishment.

Or maybe it's 'cause if you don't do it,

the Board of Health will come in and make you.

Excuse me. I found this wallet outside.

Any chance there's a John Becker in here?

Yeah. whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sit down, sit down.

Yeah, I-- I'm John Becker. Thank you very much.

H-hold on, pal, get back here.

Well, the money's all here. What are you, an idiot?

Oh, here, no, I'm sorry.

No, I'm just doing the right thing.

Maybe you'll return the favor one day.

Gee, Becker, this is your lucky day.

You lost your wallet on the street and you got it back.

Yeah, I lost my wallet at my parents' house

and didn't get it back.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

( ringing )

Doctor's office.

What do you want, Louis?

No, I didn't get any flowers.

And if you think sending your wife some thorny roses

is gonna make up for what you did,

then you can just forget it.

Problem? I don't wanna talk about it.

But, Margaret, I'm a very good listener.

In high school, everyone used to come to me

with their problems.

Even the vice principal used to call me

into his office just to talk.

He even called me at home.

Linda, he was hitting on you.

I know and we talked about that.

Linda. Fine. Keep your pain inside.

But I believe it was Cole Porter who said:

"If you need me, call me,

"'cause there ain't no mountain high enough

to keep me from you."

I believe it was Diana Ross.

It's always about you being right, isn't it?

No wonder your marriage is falling apart.

Morning. Oh, you're in early.

Yeah, there was no traffic

and I got a parking spot right out front.

What's up? X-ray machine's broken again.

Uh. But I called the company

and they're sending someone over.

And your favorite patient is in Room 1.

Ehrlich? Oh, man.

There-- There goes my lucky day. You know, I hate this guy.

He is without doubt the neediest, whiniest,

most boring patient I have.

Every week he comes in here,

and he monopolizes my time with stupid questions.

Why is it that the good patients always die,

a-and the pains in the asses go on and on?

Yeah. Why is that?

Mr. Ehrlich, how are you doing today?

Well, you know.

Not good. Not bad.

Not great. But not horrible.

Thanks for asking.

I have to. It's my job.

All right, Mr. Ehrlich,

let me just get comfortable here.

Okay, I'm ready. What's going on with you today?

My company's transferred me to Florida,

and I just stopped in to say goodbye.

Excuse me?

Unless, medically,

you think there's some reason I shouldn't go.

No. God, no.

I mean, congratulations.

I tell you what, Mr. Ehrlich.

We'll get your records all together,

and then we'll forward them to you down in Florida, all right?

Good luck. Goodbye.

Next time you're in Florida you'll look me up?

Sure thing.

Oh, look at those lovely flowers. They're for you.

Thank you.

Don't touch those.

Margaret, it's okay.

And I'm here for you.

Once again, I think it was Cole Porter said it best.

"People who need people are the--"

Shut up, Linda.

Okay.

( blues theme playing )

( knocking ) Yeah?

John, I forgot to tell you

there's a registered letter for you at the post office.

The mailman brought it before you got in.

Why didn't he just leave it? You have to sign for it.

Oh, man. Now I have to go to the post office?

Oh, that's payback for you.

Excuse me? Payback. It's how it works.

Something good happens and something bad happens in return.

Ehrlich leaves, now I have to go to the post office.

I hate that place.

The long lines, the incompetence.

It's the worst place on Earth.

You can almost smell the despair.

Could you go for me?

I told you, you have to sign for it.

Well, you know how to forge my name.

You've done it a thousand times.

John, it's a federal offence. They could throw me in jail.

I promise, your job will be waiting for you

when you get out.

Come on.

John, I don't think I can pull it off.

Our uncanny physical resemblance notwithstanding.

Besides, and this may ring a bell,

you have to sign for it!

( blues theme playing )

What am I, an idiot?

Uh, my name's Becker. I've got this little thingy here.

Sorry, I'm on my break.

Oh, yeah, that figures.

As soon as I get up to the front win--

Hi.

May I help you?

You work here? Sure do.

Well, uh, it's for a registered letter.

Of course I know what happens now.

You're gonna tell me somehow you misplaced it,

so you'll have to go in the back

and look around for hours, right?

Uh, no, it's right here.

Just sign right there.

Are you guys under new management or something?

You should relax, Dr. Becker. You're very tense.

Yeah, look who's talking.

Nobody ever said the guy went medical on me.

There you go. Here's your letter and a change of address card.

Thank you. Oh, actually, uh, yeah, I haven't moved.

I have.

Oh.

It's better here.

You know, I think that, uh, that extra penny for stamps

is really working out.

( blues theme playing )

Okay, you guys were going on

about my lucky day this morning. Well, check this out.

It's a letter from the IRS. Anyone wanna call me crazy now?

I will. Yeah, well, you'd be wrong.

I tell you something. This is gonna be

one of the worst days of my life.

What the hell are you talking about, Becker?

All right, uh, Reg,

ima-- Imagine a-a big rubber band.

Oh, the rubber band thing.

Wait till you hear what a crock this is.

Jake, you have a customer. Hang on, I'll be right there.

Jake, there's no one there.

John, why don't you just stick your leg out and trip me?

This seemed so much more artful.

Anyway, see,

with every so-called lucky thing,

the rubber band gets stretched a little bit more.

No traffic, good parking space,

my wallet was returned,

my worst patient left town,

the best experience in the post office I've ever had.

That anyone's ever had.

And then:

Thwack!

A letter from the IRS.

I'm not making this stuff up, you know.

It's been happening throughout history.

Yeah, beautiful cruise ship, iceberg.

Cinderella finally meets the prince,

she loses her slipper.

Wait, wait, wait. Didn't the prince use it to find her,

and then they lived happily ever after?

Oh, come on, please. That's just the candy-ass version

they give to the kids.

What really happened is

Cinderella goes back to live with her stepmother,

who forces her into a life of prostitution,

working the not-so-enchanted streets

around the castle.

Becker, you have a totally bent way of looking at things.

Is that right? How do you look at things, Reg?

Like a normal person.

Good things happen, bad things happen.

Is that right? How do you explain this?

You think the IRS is writing to tell me

that I'm Taxpayer of the Year?

You know what? Here. Here it is.

I'll prove it to you right here.

Look at this.

Oh, boy.

What? What is it?

I just got a $700 tax refund.

Don't move. Reg, you got a paper back there?

Okay, open it up to the sports section.

Now, I don't care what you think, John.

You are having a lucky day and I want in on it.

Okay, give it to him.

Come on, John, pick me a horse.

I-I don't wanna-- Come on, John.

You're like a big white rabbit's foot.

Look, look, just point to one, okay?

There's gotta be a horse that's perfect for you.

Lucky John, Doctor's Joy. Fine, there.

"Royal Pain."

Close enough. See you.

Jake, you have a customer. Yeah, right.

Take whatever you want. Everything's free today.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Okay, just leave us a urine sample and you're outta here.

Ah. Well, I'll try, but you know,

I have to tell you I'm not that good at performing in public.

Well, not many people are.

That's why we put that door up there.

Yes, Louis, Margaret got the flowers.

They're-- They're very lovely.

Look, Louis, what's going on with you two?

Uh-huh. Linda.

Can't this wait? 'Cause Louis is spilling his guts.

Do I have any messages?

Hold on, Louis.

Yeah, Bobby Delrusso called.

Oh, will you tell that kid I'm not buying

any more of his damn raffle tickets?

The raffle was last week

and he called to say you won a CD player.

I won? Yeah.

Oh, man.

She did? Louis, I'm so...

Uh, I-I gotta go, gotta go.

Was that my Louis?

He needed to talk. Margaret, the man's in agony.

Good. Is he ready to apologize?

He doesn't even know what he did.

Frankly, we're both a little surprised by your attitude.

My attitude? Do you wanna know what he did?

Well, you know me, I don't like to get involved.

But if you really wanna tell me.

Sit down. Okay.

We're in bed. You know what? Never mind.

No.

I'm reading, he's watching basketball.

Half-time comes, Louis turns off the sound

and starts to snuggle.

You know, letting me know that he's in the mood.

Margaret, maybe I don't need-- No. It sounds good to me.

But I know this man.

And I know he's thinking

this is just a good way to kill 15 minutes.

I mean, I could've been a bag of potato chips.

So I said, "Louis, I would love to,

"but I am no half-time show.

"Now, you must understand.

"If we do this, the Knicks game goes off

and it stays off.

You've got a choice to make."

He did not choose wisely.

Margaret,

look, you love your husband and he loves you.

And making love is the most beautiful way

of expressing those feelings for each other.

I mean, think about it. He could have been at a bar somewhere

with his buddies watching the game or with another woman.

But he wasn't.

He was at home in bed with you.

I envy you, Margaret.

Do you know how lucky you are

to have a man who knows your needs,

who knows your wants,

who knows your name?

Thank you, Linda.

Yes, Linda. Linda.

Is that so hard to remember?

( blues theme playing )

Linda, did that guy ever come to fix the x-ray machine?

I mean, you call these guys and they never show up.

Whatever happened to having pride in your work?

Where's the professionalism?

Any chance I'm gonna see the doctor today?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your pants on, will you?

Actually, doctor, he's been here and gone.

He fixed the machine and said it was good as new.

Oh. Yeah, well, how much did he stick us for?

Nothing. It was just a loose connection.

Oh.

Come on, come on. I don't have all day. Come on.

( whistles )

What's that? It's from Louis.

Well, put it with the flowers.

Oh, come on, Margaret. I bet it's an apology.

I don't care.

Oh, look, it's open.

He sent you a credit card. Give me that.

It's not a credit card. It's a hotel room key.

( giggling )

Oh, that sugar bear.

Look what he did.

We are spending the night in the Huntley Hotel.

You know what? We are just about done here.

I think I will clear out a little early.

Close up for me, will you? Bye.

I need Mr. Martin's file.

Where-- Where's Margaret?

Oh, um, she just left early.

Louis is treating her to a romantic evening

at the Huntley Hotel.

Oh, I love that place. They got a great bar.

They also have that satellite dish

so they can pick up the blacked-out Knicks games.

Uh-oh.

Oh, Mr. Messinger, I forgot about you.

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

I just-- I can't. Well, don't worry about it.

J-just go on home and bring it back in the morning.

Oh, I can do that?

Sure. It's our Home Peeing Option.

Oh, great. Should I bring it back in this?

No, no, fax it to me.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Hey, guys.

I see you made it through your day alive, Becker.

So far. Yeah.

Well, I'm afraid I've got some more bad news for you, John.

What? Our horse won.

I cut you in for half. Here you go.

Oh, man, you know, I can't catch a break.

You're welcome. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go do what normal people do

when they come into a whole bunch of money,

go have some fun.

Is this place ever gonna be a diner again?

Never mind that. Look at what I found in the storeroom.

A TV guide from 1986.

I love the crossword puzzle. They're so easy.

Oh, look at this.

"Action show. The blank team."

Hmm.

If I remember correctly, that would be

the mind-numbing-pabulum- to-keep-the-masses-

from-doing-anything-interesting- with-their-lives-Team.

The A-Team.

But thanks for your help.

Hey, where'd you get that pen?

I found it when I was cleaning behind the stove.

Pretty nice, huh?

My-- My mother gave me that pen

when I graduated from med school.

I lost that a couple of years ago.

Nice try. No, no, I mean it.

I've been looking all over for this. Look right there.

There are my initials. "J.B." Ha.

Getting that back, that's kind of lucky,

don't you think?

Oh, now, don't start with me, Reg.

It j-- It just means that the rubber band

hadn't been stretched far enough yet.

That's all. Oh, boy, am I gonna get it.

Fine, Becker. Let me help you. What are you doing?

I'm gonna make things better. No pen, no punishment.

Oh, come on, don't you think they see through that?

Who's they? Them. They.

The powers that make all the bad things happen.

Oh, yeah,

the Rubber Band People.

But, okay,

( yelling ) I'm throwing the pen away.

Oh, it doesn't work that way.

I mean, I got the pen.

It's already on the list.

You know, only you could take an entire day of good fortune,

and turn it into a diabolical plot.

Do you know how egotistical it is to think

that the entire universe revolves around

what happens to John Becker?

Yeah, I know. I don't get that part either.

God, Becker, if you keep this up,

I mean, you're just gonna miss out

on all the good things that happen in your life.

Now, do you want the pen or not?

The pen does mean a lot to me.

Then take it.

Yeah.

Truth is, I could use this tax refund too.

Then cash it, spend it, and just shut up.

All right, all right. But I tell you this doesn't mean

that something bad isn't gonna still happen.

Well, we can only hope.

( blues theme playing )

Oh, a quarter.

( yells )

Are you okay? Huh?

Oh, yeah,

I just got hit with a rubber band, that's all.

I've been waiting for this all day.

Then you're all right?

Yeah, I'm fine now. Good.

Then give me your wallet.

What? Give me your wallet.

Okay. All right, all right.

Hold on. Wallet, horse winnings

and the tax refund.

Nice touch.

While you're at it, I'll take that gold pen.

Oh, yeah, there you go.

The pen too.

I didn't see that coming.

That was-- That was good.

Oh, Dr. Becker, good news.

It turns out I'm not being transferred

to Florida after all.

Oh, look. A quarter.

Must be my lucky day.

See you next week.

I love your work.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

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