All language subtitles for Awkward s04e17 The New Sex Deal.eng

Previously on Awkward...

The dude database has gone full-on viral.

This is gonna really piss some people off.

Hey, I thought you said we couldn't delete

- this stupid database.
- No!

Jenna, I didn't mean you can't delete it!

I mean don't [bleep] delete it!

- [Cell phones chime]
- _

They were calling it the Great Repression.

There was a full-scale hookup
drought at Palos Hills High,

and the halls were haunted
by aggro, sex-starved teens.

Guys thought it was cool to rank girls,

but when the hashtag
was on the other foot,

they freaked, making for a
very awkward Valentine's day.

It's like a dating dust bowl out here.

If things don't pick up,
I'm gonna have to cancel

the Valentine's dance.

- That's a tad dramatic.
- Dramatic?

Valentine's day is like the
Super Bowl of drama, Jenna.

Do you see a single girl around here

with flowers or chocolates or hope?

The great repression has
made it impossible to love.

I would think the guys would
be happy to be off the hook

for Valentine's day.

They hate buying flowers.

Uh, Google Earth to Jenna,
BJs are like flowers for dudes.

- You ruined that for them too.
- Me?

We both started the dude database.

But only one of us
control-alt-outed herself

as the administrator.

Oh! What are those?

Blue balls.

You gave them to us, so
now we're giving them back.

Synced and corrected by Chitorafa
www.addic7ed.com

Thanks for ruining Valentine's day.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

I told you not to delete
it, and you didn't listen.

I am not becoming a
Pariah Carey over this.

Fine, I'm just gonna have to
save Valentine's day by myself?

Let's face it.

Valentine's day is off this year.

Valentine's day is so on this year.

I wonder what will has planned for me.

You know that he started
out as my stalker?

And Valentine's day is like
the World Series of stalking.

Um, why am I here again?

Oh, right.

- Do you mind explaining this paper?
- _

Ms. Marks, do you know
what it's like to learn

your entire life has been a lie?

When I was 14, I found out
that the woman I thought

was my sister was actually my mom.

Is that the kind of thing you mean?

Then you understand how it
makes you question everything

you once took as the for-sure truth!

I guess.

Ever since my dad was sent to gay rehab

and my mother sent my brother...

No, my boyfriend...

My brother to live with another family,

I'm finding it hard to trust God's plan.

So I'm writing about my journey.

Okay, it's just that you
were supposed to write

about the New Deal.

The New Deal was a real lifesaver.

It got people back to work,

infused energy into our economy,

and pretty much ended
the Great Depression.

That was it.

I needed a New Deal to get us

out of this Great
Repression, and I had an idea.

[School bell rings]

I need the best one you've got.

Wait, how much?

Okay, what can I get for 200 bucks?

Great, thank you.

What are you finally blowing
your babysitting money on?

Because if it's clothes, I have
some constructive suggestions.

Not clothes, a party bus.

It's my New Deal, and it is
gonna end the hookup drought.

Hey, Jenna, I heard about the hurt locker

full of blue balls, yeesh.

Don't sweat it... it'll all
blow over in, like, 12 months

when we're all in college and
spread out all over the country.

Try 24 hours.

I rented us a party bus for
the dance tomorrow night,

and you both better be on it.

How is a party bus going
to sexify the student body?

Do you remember when the Julies got

that double-Decker for their sweet 16?

Oh, I remember.

I was practically the only one

that didn't lose their
vehicular virginity that night.

Exactly. On a party bus,
there are no parents,

the driver looks the other
way, and there are plenty

of nasty nooks and crannies
to get your freak on.

Well, Jenna, it's a lot to
ask, but if it helps the cause,

I'm on board with your party bus.

At least one guy wasn't holding

the hookup drought against me.

Actually, he was holding
himself against me,

and it felt pretty great.

So, Willy-Yum, Saturday
night, what's the plan?

A little role play?

A little, uh, chaps and chapstick?

Saturday, Saturday, uh...

Oh, I'm actually headed out of
town for a dive this weekend.

Well, do you have a Val-ed reason

for your time away?

Yeah, I just need a little R&R.

Do you want to maybe
ree-Val-uate the situation

before you leave?

No, I'm good.

See ya.

All right. Booze, check.

Tequila for the teases. Rum to have fun.

Beer for no fear. And vodka...

Doesn't rhyme with anything. Ugh.

I should've gotten whiskey.
Whiskey makes you frisky.

- That's a good one.
- That's a good one.

I can't believe you're
ditching me to go serve sausages

to sad singles.

Lonely people stuff their
faces on Valentine's day.

It's one of the biggest nights
of the year for the truck.

I can't afford to take
off whenever I want.

And I can't afford your lame excuses.

See ya.

The only heart you give me
today, Sadita, is heartburn.

I hope you choke on a chalupa.

Looks like we're each other's
valentines. Girls' night!

Ew, the only women who are
happy about a girls' night

on Valentine's day are single,
30-year-old sex-and-the-sads.

I'm not sad.

I'm just not sure if God exists or not.

When's the panty dropper
supposed to arrive?

I meant the party bus.

Matty was definitely
doing his part to get girls

feeling romantic again.

If all the guys looked
as good as he did tonight,

I was sure to succeed with
my plan to bring sexy back.

Unfortunately, Matty's
plan was to bring Gabby.

Hey, great turnout.

Yeah, great.

Thanks for organizing this.

Why would he bring her?
It's Valentine's day.

- He said it was nothing serious.
- A party bus isn't serious.

I thought your agenda was to
get people together tonight.

It is. It's just a little...

weirder with some people.

I get it, but don't spin.

We have a DJ for that. Focus.

Tonight's about ending the
drought and not obsessing

over ex-boyfriends.

- Hello, ladies.
- Whoa, Back To The Future much?

Yeah, well, I realized the
no-effort look had become

too much effort for me.

Okay, did Jake hire a swag coach?

Hey, what did you just
say? No obsessing over exes.

[Horn honking]

Is that...

[All groan]

It's not a party bus.
That's a stripper's meth lab.

- It's a dream.
- Nice work, Hamiltrash.

'Sup? Gonna need to see those
Benjamins up front, brah.

This bus was the opposite of sexy,

and did he just say "Benjamins"?

But did FDR give up when he got polio?

- No.
- Let's go.

All right, guys, let's
get this party mobile.

Some booze and some bling.

Did something die in here?

Someone, but that was, like, weeks ago.

Don't worry. I febrezed.

Come on, guys.

It's not that bad.

Look, all right, all right.

Holla, party people.

[All gasp]

So far, my party bus was more
like a funeral procession.

No one seemed to want to be there,

except for Matty and Gabby.

I had to do something.

All right, time for a
little "never have I ever."

Can't have any open
containers while I'm driving.

Are you serious?

What happened to looking the other way?

About six DUIs.

All right, we'll just
play with warm water.

All right, who wants to go first?

Anyone?

I'll go.

Never have I ever ridden in
something so sick and revolting.

- Or on something.
- Ha.

My turn, never have I ever ridden

in a mobile leprosy triage unit.

I'll go.

Never have I ever
gotten it on with a MILF.

- Dude.
- Drink up, bro.

All: Ohh.

Dirty.

Okay, I didn't know we were in the army,

because major shenanigans
just reported for duty.

Who robbed your cradle, Rosati?

Don't worry about it.

Okay, well, if we're not gonna be truthful

in "never have I ever," then
we should play a different game.

Tamara, believe me. It's the truth.

All right, my turn.

Never have I ever

scored triple digits in mini golf.

You're a straight-up
liar, McKibben. Drink.

Tonight was supposed to be
about everyone hooking up.

Not everyone watching
Matty and Gabby VDTR.

Valentine's Day The Relationship.

I had to do something, right?

All right, my turn.

Never have I ever taken
someone's virginity.

- Matty?
- Right, thank you.

Uh, chug-a-lug, J.

Tamara was right.

My recent swipe of Owen's
v-card meant Matty and I were

suddenly drinking buddies.

Wait, you took someone's virginity?

- Yeah, yeah... I mean, yes.
- Whose?

Can we change the subject? Please?

So Luke was a virgin in college?

[Chuckles] Loser.

Who said it was Luke?

[Brakes screeching, horn honking]

Oh! Jeez!

- Yo.
- Yo.

We hitting this VD fest or what?

- Ugh, I don't care.
- Why'd you ask me to chaperone?

I could be passed out in
my tanning bed right now.

Will forgot about Valentine's day.

It's so sad.

It's like once you let the stalker in,

all the romance dies.

I find the best Valentine's
dates are Tito and Jack.

Tito Puente and Jack Nicholson?

Vodka and Daniels.

Wanted to be discreet
because of the kiddos.

Especially since Principal Cockblock

confiscated my flask last time around.

Yeah, I can't. I'm still on the clock.

Come on. Take a pull off my rack.

Just put it in your mouth.

Okay, but I wasn't breast-fed,
so this is all new to me.

All right, you don't have to go home,

but you can't stay here.

Thank God.

[Gasps] Five-second rule!

Ooh, I love candy hearts. Who's Molly?

Oh, a hotel key. My plan is working.

Someone is ending their
hookup draught tonight.

What lucky guy does this belong to?

Uh, me.

Can I talk to you outside?

A hotel room on Valentine's day?

Matty's usual bone-us operandi

was more like the backseat of his truck.

Was he really serious about Gabby?

Let's go. We're gonna miss the dance.

Dude, where are our party favors?

Weird, that didn't taste like candy.

Oh, man, the vestal virgin
just snarfed a Molly.

What a [bleep] waste.

Or a fantastic experiment.

She must have been hungry
for something to be scavenging

on the ground like a famished beast.

Both: Hungry!

- Go, go, go.
- Get in there.

- Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Get in there, get in there.

- Go, go, go!
- Whoo!

Holy Jeez, is that the time?

I got so sucked in by your
booze boobs, I made us late.

[Mellow alternative music]

We need to lubricate this prude party.

That's it, the booze on the bus.

We need to liven this place up.

I'll spread the word. No
one turns down a free drink.

We have enough juice to turn
this dust bowl into a mud pie.

[Clatter]

- Come on.
- What's the holdup?

We were promised shots.

Well, Mr. Promises Malibu
here killed that dream for us.

We're as dry as a Dorothea
Lange desert-scape.

- Sorry!
- Yeah, you are sorry.

Wow, Hamilton.

You just keep finding new ways to suck.

- Yeah!
- Ouch.

- Loser.
- I can't believe this.

The whole school wants to kill me,

and all you can say is "ouch"?

It's not my fault your
party bus was a party bust.

No, but it is your fault
that the rankings went viral,

yet I continue to take all the hits.

You guys feel like velvet.

- Is that a gay thing?
- Both: Yes.

If my dad is gay,

does that mean that I could be gay?

Like, am I carrying gay genes?

You might be, if you're lucky.

I mean, have you ever had strong
feelings for another woman?

Well, I love my mom

and my kindergarten teacher

and Sadie!

Sadie... good choice.

Her hotness level has
really peaked this year.

Yeah, and she's ripe for the picking.

You think we feel good?
You should try Sadie.

I bet she smells like bubble
gum, shampoo, and puppies!

I love puppies!

Go over and see.

I hadn't saved Valentine's day.

I'd ruined it for everyone.

I swear to God,

if I don't get laid
tonight, I will lay you out.

The Great Repression was
turning into World War III,

and I was the common enemy.

WTFWFDRD?

What the [bleep] would FDR do?

- [Microphone feedback]
- All: Aww.

Attention, everyone,

I'm sorry about that
stupid ranking system,

but you shouldn't let it ruin the dance.

No, you did that for us.

All: Boo!

It's Valentine's day:

A time for romance, a time for passion,

- a time for pink...
- [Yawns]

and slightly darker pink hearts...

Why don't you help her, MILF slayer?

Aren't you an expert on
romance and passion now?

Why don't you?

I thought you were her best friend.

A time for cuddling,

- being the little spoon, a time...
- You suck.

A time to quit being harassholes to Jenna.

She didn't act alone in
making the dude database.

- I was her accomplice.
- All: Aww.

And, unlike her, I was too
scared to take the blame

until now.

Jenna has done everything
she can to make it up

to you guys tonight, and I will not let

my little Cupid look
stupid. Now, listen up.

I know some of you guys are afraid

to let loose for fear
of being ranked or coded,

but who could ever judge you for
expressing what's in your heart?

Or at the very least,
what's in your pants.

- [Laughter]
- So come on, get crazy,

because the only thing you
have to fear is fear itself.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Puppies.

[All gasp]

She's come undone, bitches!

And just like that, the dam had burst,

and the drought was over.

What has gotten into you?

Objective reason and some
illegal drugs, I think.

Can I smell your hair? It's so shiny.

Ugh!

God isn't dead.

He's everywhere.

This God tastes like
grape gum and orange soda.

Our finest work.

That was amazing. Thank you.

No, thank you for not
defriending me this week.

I should've volunteered
as tribute days ago,

but I was too chicken.

- Be mine?
- Always was.

[Laughter]

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah, we're too late.

This is like Sodom and Gomorrah.

Oh, relax.

Catch you later.

- Nice speech.
- Thanks.

But you've got to give up the goods.

Who's the mystery MILF?

There's no mystery.

I met her on new year's, and
we've been having a great time.

Multiple great times.

Three in a row, in fact.

Oh, please. I'll believe it when I see it.

- You should be so lucky.
- Game on, Rosati.

But you only have one
chance to take me to O-town,

- so let's do this.
- Come on.

Watching all the hookups,
I couldn't help but feel

a sense of accomplishment.

Just like FDR, I had
helped usher in a New Deal,

and with all the love in the air,

the dirty look Matty was
giving me stood out even more.

What's your deal?

That whole thing back there about me

taking your virginity
in "never have I ever"?

- I was just playing the game.
- In front of Gabby.

That's kind of aggro, don't you think?

And whose virginity did you take?

You don't know him.

Don't you have a hotel
room to get back to?

I gave it to a needy party.

No room for me tonight.

Thanks to your games, Gabby left.

Nope, nope,

no way.

Oh, I can't tell you how
many times Kevin and I got

kicked out of dances for heavy petting.

Heavy petting?

Well, he tried to go down on me.

So goddamn romantic.

You can't smoke in here.

Actually...

You know, one puff wouldn't kill you.

Why don't you just stand right here?

Yeah.

So where's your friend?

You know, the one who's
always coming into my office

to sign in, so we don't
think he's a sex offender?

Sergio had other plans.

Hey, we're in the same boat, sister.

Here's to all the single
ladies on Valentine's day.

Sadita!

Sorry, Val, can't join you

in your spinster suicide pact just yet.

I closed up early.

I don't know what I was thinking.

You're my Valentine,
not those sad singles.

[Sighs] Well, it's official.

I am the biggest loser here.

I wouldn't say that.

Will, what are you doing here?

I thought you were out of town.

Please, I wanted to do something special

for Valentine's day,

so I decided I'd kick it old school.

I've been stalking your ass all night.

That is so romantic.

- Sweet.
- Mm-hmm.

[Creaking] How's that?

It's... it's fine.

- And that?
- It's okay.

How's that?

[Gasps] That's good.

- And that?
- Yes.

- And that?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

[All gasp]

[All cheering]

It looked like I had ended
the drought for everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

Now that the Great
Repression was finally over,

people were treating me
the way they normally did.

Thanks for hiring that
sharty bus, Hamiltuna.

Lissa was caught on the Molly
that she ate off the floor

of that beater and
suspended for two weeks.

Now you can add "life ruiner"
to your list of accomplishments,

right under "suicide
girl" and "moody slut."

Like I said, people
were treating me the way

they normally did.

- Hey, have you seen Jake?
- What?

I thought you said what
happened at the dance

was a one-time thing.

Oh, the remix to "Tamara Never Comes"

was definitely a single but
certainly a chart topper.

Oh, there he is.

Can we not?

Matty's mad at me.

Uh, can you blame him?

Bringing up your sophomoric
sexnanigans in front of Gabby

was not your best moment.

Tamara was right.

I had told myself I was
giving everyone a New Deal,

but what I'd given Matty
was more like a Raw Seal.

Hey, I just want to say I'm
sorry about what happened

on the bus.

Never have I ever acted
like such an immature idiot.

Actually, the stripper pole
fail almost makes up for it.

No, I'm sorry too.

I was pretty dickish about
it, but I was just mad.

Is Gabby mad?

No, no, she just wants to
take things a little slow.

Well, not everyone can
move as fast as I can.

Yeah, I don't think
we'll be hitting that gear

for a little while.

So she is mad?

No, she's a virgin.

Which I respect, and some things
are just worth waiting for.

You know what I mean?

Matty, over here.

I did know what he meant.

Gabby was worth waiting for,

and I hadn't been.

Next on Awkward...

Happy birthday!

Aw, a cupcake! Laker
tickets, holy [bleep].

I'm throwing a little surprise party

for Matty later... You should come.

Gabby was a fierce
competitor, but I could be too.

I was gonna be so
[bleep] friendly, it hurt.

My plans tonight got canceled,

and I can definitely come to the party.

Surprise!

- That looks like...
- Both: Tamara and Sadie!

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