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1
00:00:00,058 --> 00:00:01,563
Previously on Awkward...
2
00:00:01,652 --> 00:00:03,051
On our right,
we have the English Department.
3
00:00:03,053 --> 00:00:04,352
Do you want to get out of here?
4
00:00:04,354 --> 00:00:05,453
We've been texting
each other every day.
5
00:00:05,455 --> 00:00:07,021
She's really cool.
6
00:00:07,023 --> 00:00:08,189
It's just a little catfishing.
7
00:00:08,191 --> 00:00:10,024
It's totally no big deal.
8
00:00:10,026 --> 00:00:12,308
I'm sorry to bother you,
but I know you've been
9
00:00:12,421 --> 00:00:14,251
avoiding me,
and I'm just wondering why.
10
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:15,329
I'm adopted!
11
00:00:16,331 --> 00:00:18,899
In the three weeks since
my college overnight,
12
00:00:18,901 --> 00:00:20,767
my one-night stand
had blossomed into
13
00:00:20,769 --> 00:00:22,769
three weekends of awesome.
14
00:00:22,771 --> 00:00:23,803
Luke was perfect.
15
00:00:23,805 --> 00:00:25,538
He was an adult.
16
00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:28,342
I liked the person I became
when we were together.
17
00:00:28,344 --> 00:00:31,344
I was Jenna 2.0, a better,
more evolved version
18
00:00:31,346 --> 00:00:32,479
of the girl I'd been...
19
00:00:32,481 --> 00:00:35,181
[Mooing cow ringtone] _
20
00:00:35,183 --> 00:00:36,750
almost.
21
00:00:36,752 --> 00:00:38,251
Hey, a couple of my friends
are planning a road trip
22
00:00:38,253 --> 00:00:39,519
to see Arctic Monkeys
in November.
23
00:00:39,521 --> 00:00:40,520
You want in?
24
00:00:40,522 --> 00:00:44,391
[Cow mooing]
25
00:00:44,393 --> 00:00:46,225
Right.
Parents.
26
00:00:46,227 --> 00:00:48,294
I keep forgetting
you don't actually go here.
27
00:00:48,596 --> 00:00:50,496
I'm guessing Arctic Monkeys
are a no go.
28
00:00:50,498 --> 00:00:51,530
What? Why?
29
00:00:51,532 --> 00:00:53,098
I love the Arctic Monkeys.
30
00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:55,334
Your parents would seriously
let you drive to Arizona
31
00:00:55,336 --> 00:00:56,902
with four college guys
in a van?
32
00:00:56,904 --> 00:00:58,804
My parents are super laid back.
33
00:00:58,806 --> 00:01:00,872
They don't even like me
to call them mom and dad.
34
00:01:00,874 --> 00:01:03,209
They treat me more like
a best friend than a child.
35
00:01:03,211 --> 00:01:05,243
Well, I'll count you in.
36
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,615
[Phone ringing]
37
00:01:12,218 --> 00:01:13,819
Hello.
38
00:01:13,821 --> 00:01:15,954
Who is this?
39
00:01:15,956 --> 00:01:18,289
Oh. Hi.
40
00:01:18,291 --> 00:01:21,359
Yeah, sure.
41
00:01:21,361 --> 00:01:24,295
Jenna, it's dad.
42
00:01:24,297 --> 00:01:25,863
Hey, Kev.
43
00:01:25,865 --> 00:01:27,298
How'd you get Luke's number?
44
00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:28,799
I called the dorm
and threatened to have him
45
00:01:28,801 --> 00:01:30,768
arrested for kidnapping
if they didn't hand it over.
46
00:01:30,770 --> 00:01:32,303
What?
Are you insane?
47
00:01:32,305 --> 00:01:34,572
No, I'm a parent,
and you're a child,
48
00:01:34,574 --> 00:01:36,641
one who is 45 minutes
past her curfew.
49
00:01:36,643 --> 00:01:38,943
Get home now.
50
00:01:38,945 --> 00:01:42,379
Oh, and Jenna, one more thing.
Plan on a long night.
51
00:01:42,381 --> 00:01:44,715
Your room's a real pigsty.
52
00:01:44,717 --> 00:01:48,352
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:01:48,354 --> 00:01:51,255
[Cheering]
54
00:01:53,225 --> 00:01:55,225
Dating a college guy
made it harder
55
00:01:55,227 --> 00:01:56,860
to get into high school stuff,
56
00:01:56,862 --> 00:01:58,862
some of which I hated
in the first place,
57
00:01:58,864 --> 00:02:00,964
like being cheer bitch,
but sadly,
58
00:02:00,966 --> 00:02:02,332
while my heart was in college,
59
00:02:02,334 --> 00:02:04,200
my head was stuck
in high school,
60
00:02:04,202 --> 00:02:06,236
and my face was
target practice.
61
00:02:06,238 --> 00:02:07,638
[Cheering]
62
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:08,639
Come on, Matty!
63
00:02:08,641 --> 00:02:12,041
No guts, no glory, son!
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00:02:12,043 --> 00:02:14,177
Let's go!
65
00:02:14,179 --> 00:02:15,812
Dude, the Maryland scout's
watching you like a hawk.
66
00:02:15,814 --> 00:02:17,413
That last goal was insane, man.
67
00:02:17,415 --> 00:02:19,749
- No pressure, no diamonds.
- Okay!
68
00:02:19,751 --> 00:02:21,785
Our son set the record
for most shots on goal
69
00:02:21,787 --> 00:02:22,819
his sophomore year.
70
00:02:22,821 --> 00:02:24,387
Yep, you told me that.
71
00:02:24,389 --> 00:02:26,256
We've only got five
spots on our fall roster,
72
00:02:26,258 --> 00:02:27,657
but he's definitely
a strong candidate.
73
00:02:27,659 --> 00:02:29,725
All right, he's a McKibben!
74
00:02:29,727 --> 00:02:31,827
So are they back
together or what?
75
00:02:31,829 --> 00:02:33,629
No, they hate each other,
but they have to put on
76
00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:35,864
a united front because
they're McKibbens.
77
00:02:35,866 --> 00:02:36,932
All right, Matty!
78
00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:37,966
Make us proud!
79
00:02:37,968 --> 00:02:39,168
[Whistle blows]
80
00:02:39,170 --> 00:02:43,105
[Cheering]
81
00:02:43,107 --> 00:02:44,606
Come on, Matty!
82
00:02:44,608 --> 00:02:46,741
Come on!
83
00:02:46,743 --> 00:02:48,177
Go, go, go!
84
00:02:48,179 --> 00:02:50,112
Aw!
85
00:02:50,114 --> 00:02:51,980
Damn it!
86
00:02:55,819 --> 00:02:57,119
Go, go, go!
87
00:02:57,121 --> 00:02:58,987
Get in there and do your job!
88
00:02:58,989 --> 00:03:00,722
The Mr. PHHS Pageant
is in five days,
89
00:03:00,724 --> 00:03:02,089
and you still haven't
printed the program,
90
00:03:02,091 --> 00:03:03,090
finalized the sets,
or talked lighting
91
00:03:03,092 --> 00:03:04,926
with Theo and Cole.
92
00:03:04,928 --> 00:03:07,228
I need rage management to cope
with your stage management.
93
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:09,964
T, it's a fake male
beauty pageant, not Broadway.
94
00:03:09,966 --> 00:03:11,199
Relax.
I'm on it.
95
00:03:11,201 --> 00:03:13,601
The only thing
you're on is Cloud 69.
96
00:03:13,603 --> 00:03:16,270
Need I remind you
that this is a major application
97
00:03:16,272 --> 00:03:17,271
augmentation for you?
98
00:03:17,273 --> 00:03:18,339
[Bell rings]
99
00:03:18,341 --> 00:03:20,007
- What was that?
- What was what?
100
00:03:20,009 --> 00:03:21,375
I should go change.
101
00:03:21,377 --> 00:03:24,145
You know how sweats
make me sweat.
102
00:03:24,147 --> 00:03:25,913
You said you were done
catfishing.
103
00:03:25,915 --> 00:03:27,048
I am!
104
00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:28,115
Almost.
105
00:03:28,117 --> 00:03:29,383
It's just...
106
00:03:29,385 --> 00:03:30,617
Jake booty-texted me.
107
00:03:30,619 --> 00:03:32,886
Tamara-me, not Autumn-me.
108
00:03:32,888 --> 00:03:34,722
Well, technically,
he booty-texted both of us,
109
00:03:34,724 --> 00:03:36,724
but the point is,
Jakara is back on track
110
00:03:36,726 --> 00:03:38,325
to being the PHHSPC again.
111
00:03:38,327 --> 00:03:39,727
The PHHS Power Couple.
112
00:03:39,729 --> 00:03:41,261
Pause.
Rewind.
113
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,563
Are you saying you want to
get back together with Jake?
114
00:03:42,565 --> 00:03:43,930
No!
115
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,632
Yes?
Maybe.
116
00:03:45,634 --> 00:03:47,868
So ditch the online persona
and tell him the truth.
117
00:03:47,870 --> 00:03:49,736
I will.
118
00:03:49,738 --> 00:03:51,637
As soon as Autumn convinces
Jake that Tamara has his heart
119
00:03:51,639 --> 00:03:54,774
this catfish is fried.
120
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:56,609
That was a tough game.
121
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:58,879
I can't believe the scout
bailed before halftime, man.
122
00:03:58,881 --> 00:04:00,113
What are you so happy about?
123
00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,915
Autumn.
124
00:04:01,917 --> 00:04:03,683
Things are getting intense.
I'm really into her.
125
00:04:03,685 --> 00:04:05,285
You've never even met her!
126
00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,387
She's probably a 45-year-old
sex offender named Ralph.
127
00:04:07,389 --> 00:04:10,122
No way.
You can't fake that body.
128
00:04:10,124 --> 00:04:13,726
If she wants you to wire money
to her Nigerian uncle, bail.
129
00:04:13,728 --> 00:04:16,662
Mommy, did you see
my basket catch?
130
00:04:16,664 --> 00:04:17,897
Humility, Lissa.
131
00:04:17,899 --> 00:04:19,699
Oh, look at the time!
132
00:04:19,701 --> 00:04:21,734
Tyler and I have a million
things to do.
133
00:04:21,736 --> 00:04:22,902
Bible study,
134
00:04:22,904 --> 00:04:24,770
shopping for Mr. PHHS clothes--
135
00:04:24,772 --> 00:04:27,339
So Sadie can take you home,
right?
136
00:04:27,341 --> 00:04:30,109
I don't have a car,
and my guardian is a skankaholic
137
00:04:30,111 --> 00:04:31,843
with a prescription
pill problem.
138
00:04:31,845 --> 00:04:33,279
Okay, great.
Thanks, hon.
139
00:04:33,281 --> 00:04:34,780
Bye, sis.
Thanks for the cheer.
140
00:04:34,782 --> 00:04:37,016
Bye, babies.
141
00:04:37,018 --> 00:04:38,350
Get over it, Lissa.
142
00:04:38,352 --> 00:04:40,018
The basket catch
wasn't that good.
143
00:04:40,020 --> 00:04:42,020
It's not that.
144
00:04:42,022 --> 00:04:45,056
Ever since we adopted Tyler,
he's all my mom cares about.
145
00:04:45,058 --> 00:04:47,225
Now everything's all about
Mr. PHHS
146
00:04:47,227 --> 00:04:48,993
just because Tyler's in it.
147
00:04:48,995 --> 00:04:51,863
Maybe I should compete
so she remembers I'm alive.
148
00:04:51,865 --> 00:04:54,032
Are you too busy
with cheer captain
149
00:04:54,034 --> 00:04:56,234
to study your SAT words, Lissa?
150
00:04:56,236 --> 00:05:00,171
"Mister" means people
with penises.
151
00:05:00,173 --> 00:05:03,274
But I'm the one
with pageant experience.
152
00:05:03,276 --> 00:05:05,176
[Gasps]
I could coach Tyler!
153
00:05:05,178 --> 00:05:07,611
Mr. PHHS isn't
a real beauty pageant.
154
00:05:07,613 --> 00:05:09,047
It's a popularity contest.
155
00:05:09,049 --> 00:05:12,750
Brian Woods won last year
for shotgunning a soda.
156
00:05:12,752 --> 00:05:14,685
I could take any loser
in this school,
157
00:05:14,687 --> 00:05:16,921
and beat you and Mufasa.
158
00:05:16,923 --> 00:05:20,357
I told you, we call him Tyler,
and you could not!
159
00:05:20,359 --> 00:05:22,993
Winning any pageant takes
way more than popularity.
160
00:05:22,995 --> 00:05:24,294
Want to bet?
161
00:05:24,296 --> 00:05:26,430
Loser gives up 40 bucks,
plus their honor,
162
00:05:26,432 --> 00:05:27,531
dignity, and self-esteem.
163
00:05:27,533 --> 00:05:28,898
Go ahead.
164
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:31,868
Pick any guy.
165
00:05:35,906 --> 00:05:38,241
Him!
166
00:05:42,246 --> 00:05:43,280
- Oh!
- Go ahead.
167
00:05:43,282 --> 00:05:45,281
After you.
168
00:05:45,283 --> 00:05:48,150
Uh, have you picked a talent
for Mr. PHHS yet?
169
00:05:48,152 --> 00:05:50,386
Well, we know it's not soccer.
170
00:05:50,388 --> 00:05:52,421
Yeah, your parents seemed
pretty intense.
171
00:05:52,423 --> 00:05:54,323
Yeah, that's one word for it.
172
00:05:54,325 --> 00:05:56,693
So I hear you're into
older guys now.
173
00:05:56,695 --> 00:05:57,961
What?
No!
174
00:05:57,963 --> 00:05:59,662
It's cool, if you're happy.
175
00:05:59,664 --> 00:06:00,830
We're gonna be in college soon.
176
00:06:00,832 --> 00:06:02,764
You might as well
get a jump on it.
177
00:06:04,434 --> 00:06:06,035
[Beeping]
178
00:06:06,037 --> 00:06:07,736
[Line ringing]
179
00:06:07,738 --> 00:06:08,871
Hey.
180
00:06:08,873 --> 00:06:10,873
Hey.
Why is campus so far?
181
00:06:10,875 --> 00:06:13,109
I'm having severe
separation anxiety.
182
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,944
Me, too, and I'm living
off five-dollar foot-longs.
183
00:06:15,946 --> 00:06:17,713
It saves me a ton of cash,
184
00:06:17,715 --> 00:06:18,747
which is going right into
the gas fund,
185
00:06:18,749 --> 00:06:20,215
so I can come see you.
186
00:06:20,217 --> 00:06:22,283
Speaking of which, Saturday
is going to be awesome.
187
00:06:22,285 --> 00:06:24,319
Snuggle down with some cocoa
and watch Evil Dead.
188
00:06:24,321 --> 00:06:25,387
I can't.
189
00:06:25,389 --> 00:06:26,388
I'm stuck in PV this weekend,
190
00:06:26,390 --> 00:06:28,023
stage managing a play.
191
00:06:28,025 --> 00:06:29,290
Well, I'll come down,
see you in action.
192
00:06:29,292 --> 00:06:31,727
Thus far, all of the action
between us
193
00:06:31,729 --> 00:06:34,062
had taken place in the privacy
of Luke's dorm room.
194
00:06:34,064 --> 00:06:37,265
Our relationship existed
in totally separate worlds,
195
00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:38,900
and I liked it that way.
196
00:06:38,902 --> 00:06:41,469
It's just some stupid
high school thing.
197
00:06:41,471 --> 00:06:43,271
So not worth the drive.
198
00:06:43,273 --> 00:06:44,605
Well, then I guess
we'll have to come up with ways
199
00:06:44,607 --> 00:06:47,275
to make the distance
less painful.
200
00:06:47,277 --> 00:06:48,343
Sweetie?
201
00:06:48,345 --> 00:06:49,644
Wow!
202
00:06:49,646 --> 00:06:51,145
I had no idea it took
12 years to paint
203
00:06:51,147 --> 00:06:52,413
the Mona Lisa's smile.
204
00:06:52,415 --> 00:06:53,447
Neat!
205
00:06:53,449 --> 00:06:55,550
Is that Luke?
Hi, Luke!
206
00:06:55,552 --> 00:06:56,884
Bye!
He has to study.
207
00:06:56,886 --> 00:06:58,252
We would love to see you again.
208
00:06:58,254 --> 00:06:59,854
Are you coming to
Jenna's pageant?
209
00:06:59,856 --> 00:07:00,988
- Mom!
- Pageant?
210
00:07:00,990 --> 00:07:02,790
Mr. PHHS.
211
00:07:02,792 --> 00:07:05,960
It's this goofy little pageant
for the senior boys.
212
00:07:05,962 --> 00:07:08,195
Jenna's dad was Mr. PHHS.
213
00:07:08,197 --> 00:07:09,463
Ah, I see.
214
00:07:09,465 --> 00:07:11,131
- It's lame.
- I'd love to come.
215
00:07:11,133 --> 00:07:12,332
Great!
216
00:07:12,334 --> 00:07:13,800
Come by, and we'll
all go together.
217
00:07:13,802 --> 00:07:15,069
No, no, no, you don't have to.
218
00:07:15,071 --> 00:07:16,203
- It's-- really--
- Sounds awesome.
219
00:07:16,205 --> 00:07:17,371
Yay!
220
00:07:17,373 --> 00:07:18,972
We'll see you on
Saturday, Luke.
221
00:07:18,974 --> 00:07:20,407
My relationship with Luke
may have existed
222
00:07:20,409 --> 00:07:22,809
in a separate world,
but apparently
223
00:07:22,811 --> 00:07:24,077
the planets
were about to collide.
224
00:07:26,381 --> 00:07:28,982
San Diego is so far away
from Australia.
225
00:07:28,984 --> 00:07:30,783
I get so lonely.
226
00:07:30,785 --> 00:07:32,019
Aw...
227
00:07:32,021 --> 00:07:34,921
Well, San Diego is close
to Palos Verdes.
228
00:07:34,923 --> 00:07:38,391
So close it's-- close.
229
00:07:38,393 --> 00:07:40,026
You know,
230
00:07:40,028 --> 00:07:42,061
I feel like I can tell you
anything, Autumn.
231
00:07:42,063 --> 00:07:43,796
Oh, me, too.
232
00:07:43,798 --> 00:07:45,999
Oy, that's my oldies
calling from the Outback.
233
00:07:46,001 --> 00:07:47,000
Bye, schmoops!
234
00:07:47,002 --> 00:07:48,434
Bye, boops.
235
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:52,204
[Bell rings]
OMG.
236
00:07:52,206 --> 00:07:55,107
Jake just invited Autumn
to watch him in Mr. PHHS.
237
00:07:55,109 --> 00:07:56,342
Great.
238
00:07:56,344 --> 00:07:57,209
When Autumn doesn't show up,
239
00:07:57,211 --> 00:07:58,911
Jake can finally move on,
240
00:07:58,913 --> 00:08:00,779
and you can go back to
acting like a sane person.
241
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,114
Well, sane for you.
242
00:08:02,116 --> 00:08:04,283
Autumn would never
flake on Jake.
243
00:08:04,285 --> 00:08:06,318
She'll show, but have an
unfortch ditch-sitch
244
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,853
due to a bad shrimp taco,
245
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,320
and instead of being all
"Hey, hunk-show,"
246
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,789
she'll be all,
"Hey, chunk-show,"
247
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,290
and she'll miss
the whole enchilada.
248
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:19,064
It's lumpy, hairy, misshapen.
249
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,099
I just want to biopsy
the entire thing
250
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,834
and throw it in a biohazard bin.
251
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:23,835
No.
252
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,438
I can work with this.
253
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:27,872
Drop trou.
254
00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:29,407
Save me.
255
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,209
Oh, I won't ever
get in the way of my woman
256
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,777
when she's trying to win a bet.
257
00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:34,845
You're a smart man, Austin.
258
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,081
[Screams]
259
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:40,251
Your posture's okay,
but you need more glide,
260
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,752
and you still need a talent.
261
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:44,021
What can you do besides
live on a dollar a day?
262
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,155
I was the chancellor
of the debate team
263
00:08:45,157 --> 00:08:46,423
at my boarding school.
264
00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:48,893
Have you ever
seenDirty Dancing?
265
00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:51,161
Pageant prep was in high gear,
266
00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:53,798
and all I could think about
was how this would look to Luke,
267
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,733
like a high school freak show.
268
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,235
Would he ever be able
to see me as a sophisticated,
269
00:08:58,237 --> 00:08:59,836
sexy girl again?
270
00:08:59,838 --> 00:09:00,971
Hang tight, gents.
271
00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:02,739
L-dog, A-train,
272
00:09:02,741 --> 00:09:04,841
thank you for volunteering
to decorate.
273
00:09:04,843 --> 00:09:07,177
Those uptight PTA moms
bailed when I refused
274
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:08,945
to ban the swimsuit competition.
275
00:09:08,947 --> 00:09:12,015
All right, I got to go get
this soul train back on track.
276
00:09:12,017 --> 00:09:15,318
Return to formation, boys!
277
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,754
You were Mr. PHHS.
278
00:09:17,756 --> 00:09:18,722
Go help.
279
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:19,789
What?
280
00:09:19,791 --> 00:09:21,424
That was 17 years ago.
281
00:09:21,426 --> 00:09:24,995
How could I possibly remember
a silly dance routine?
282
00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:26,395
Right.
283
00:09:26,397 --> 00:09:28,364
Hot coals, hot coals--
284
00:09:28,366 --> 00:09:30,799
Mind if I give it a shot?
285
00:09:30,801 --> 00:09:32,968
Fine, be my guest.
286
00:09:32,970 --> 00:09:34,903
These boys have no bump
in their grinds.
287
00:09:34,905 --> 00:09:36,405
All right.
Let's do this.
288
00:09:36,407 --> 00:09:38,374
Music!
289
00:09:38,376 --> 00:09:41,444
[Hip hop music playing]
290
00:09:41,446 --> 00:09:50,185
291
00:09:50,187 --> 00:09:51,854
[Cheers]
292
00:09:51,856 --> 00:09:53,122
All right,
now let's turn up the heat
293
00:09:53,124 --> 00:09:56,291
and show them some
sizzling steak!
294
00:09:56,293 --> 00:09:58,060
[Cheers]
Not bad.
295
00:10:00,196 --> 00:10:01,730
Hey.
296
00:10:01,732 --> 00:10:03,231
Sorry to bug,
but have you picked a talent?
297
00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:05,033
Yeah, I was thinking
maybe stand-up.
298
00:10:05,035 --> 00:10:07,835
If it tanks, I can always fall
back on my Magic Mike stuff.
299
00:10:07,837 --> 00:10:09,137
Stand-up?
300
00:10:09,139 --> 00:10:10,972
That's more daring
than stripping.
301
00:10:10,974 --> 00:10:12,207
Can't wait.
302
00:10:14,043 --> 00:10:15,910
Why are you doing
stand-up?
303
00:10:15,912 --> 00:10:17,412
You're an athlete,
not a performer.
304
00:10:17,414 --> 00:10:18,946
You're going to
embarrass yourself.
305
00:10:18,948 --> 00:10:21,983
Mom, this whole
Mr. PHHS thing is a joke,
306
00:10:21,985 --> 00:10:23,017
I'm not trying to win.
307
00:10:23,019 --> 00:10:24,251
Then why are you doing it?
308
00:10:24,253 --> 00:10:25,753
Why are you so worried
about what I'm doing?
309
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:27,689
Because I'm your mother.
310
00:10:27,691 --> 00:10:31,258
Yeah.
311
00:10:31,260 --> 00:10:33,260
Luke was due to arrive
any minute,
312
00:10:33,262 --> 00:10:34,862
but I had a foolproof plan.
313
00:10:34,864 --> 00:10:36,130
Hustle my parents out the door
314
00:10:36,132 --> 00:10:38,065
and insist on taking
separate cars.
315
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:40,100
What could go wrong?
316
00:10:40,102 --> 00:10:41,268
Damn, lil' bitch.
317
00:10:41,270 --> 00:10:44,037
You look like a sister wife.
318
00:10:44,039 --> 00:10:45,673
[Chuckles]
319
00:10:45,675 --> 00:10:47,308
Mom, what is she doing here?
320
00:10:47,310 --> 00:10:48,409
Carpooling with us.
321
00:10:48,411 --> 00:10:50,678
You know she can't drive
after 4:00 PM.
322
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,378
Hey.
323
00:10:52,380 --> 00:10:53,813
Oh!
324
00:10:53,815 --> 00:10:55,582
- What are you wearing, dad?
- What?
325
00:10:55,584 --> 00:10:56,816
Honey, take it off.
326
00:10:56,818 --> 00:10:57,717
You're gonna embarrass Jenna.
327
00:10:57,719 --> 00:10:58,751
It's too late.
328
00:10:58,753 --> 00:11:00,153
I'm not taking this off.
329
00:11:00,155 --> 00:11:01,154
I think you're gonna
take it off.
330
00:11:01,156 --> 00:11:03,689
- No, I'm not.
- Huh?
331
00:11:03,691 --> 00:11:05,391
[Laughter]
332
00:11:05,393 --> 00:11:06,659
Oh!
333
00:11:06,661 --> 00:11:08,428
Hey, Luke.
Welcome.
334
00:11:08,430 --> 00:11:10,029
Hello, sir.
335
00:11:10,031 --> 00:11:11,797
Luke had come to meet
the adults in my life.
336
00:11:11,799 --> 00:11:14,399
Unfortunately,
I was surrounded by children.
337
00:11:34,221 --> 00:11:39,191
Welcome to the 28th Annual
Mr. PHHS Pageant!
338
00:11:39,193 --> 00:11:40,659
[Cheers and applause]
339
00:11:40,661 --> 00:11:42,962
I'm your MC, Tamara Kaplan.
340
00:11:42,964 --> 00:11:44,796
I hope there's a dentist
in the house,
341
00:11:44,798 --> 00:11:47,867
because you're about to meet
some major man candy!
342
00:11:47,869 --> 00:11:49,768
[Cheers and applause]
343
00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:52,003
[Hip hop music]
344
00:11:52,005 --> 00:12:00,712
345
00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:13,624
[Cheers and applause]
346
00:12:16,262 --> 00:12:18,930
Kyle, mess this up
and I will make sure that
347
00:12:18,932 --> 00:12:20,698
you never pop that
pathetic man-cherry,
348
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:23,067
even when you're 45
and some crazy cat lady
349
00:12:23,069 --> 00:12:25,302
is feeling horny, sad,
and desperate.
350
00:12:25,304 --> 00:12:27,505
Did someone call me?
351
00:12:27,507 --> 00:12:31,208
Our first contestant
in formal wear is Kyle Cohen.
352
00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:33,977
Kyle has a passion
for staying indoors,
353
00:12:33,979 --> 00:12:36,914
tweezers,
and smelling dead things.
354
00:12:36,916 --> 00:12:39,116
[Cheers and applause]
355
00:12:39,118 --> 00:12:42,185
[Hip hop music]
356
00:12:42,187 --> 00:12:48,758
357
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,193
Woo-hoo!
Hottie!
358
00:12:50,195 --> 00:12:51,828
Show us some skin!
359
00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:53,330
[Laughing]
360
00:12:53,332 --> 00:12:56,266
[Applause]
361
00:12:58,035 --> 00:13:00,770
Tame down your Simon cowlicks
because we've got
362
00:13:00,772 --> 00:13:02,972
your PHHS idols.
363
00:13:02,974 --> 00:13:05,174
Next up is our
talent competition.
364
00:13:05,176 --> 00:13:08,411
[Applause]
365
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:11,481
[Pop music playing]
366
00:13:11,483 --> 00:13:19,355
367
00:13:26,729 --> 00:13:28,431
[Upbeat pop music]
368
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:30,198
you're so cute
I want to wear you like a suit
369
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,469
I think you'd look
pretty good on me
370
00:13:33,471 --> 00:13:38,173
you don't care, I don't care,
right
371
00:13:38,175 --> 00:13:40,008
I want to drape you
across my shoulders
372
00:13:40,010 --> 00:13:41,877
want you close to the bone
373
00:13:41,879 --> 00:13:45,046
[Cheers and applause]
374
00:13:45,048 --> 00:13:47,482
[Pop music]
375
00:13:47,484 --> 00:13:52,020
listen for me
376
00:13:52,022 --> 00:13:56,257
I'm falling for Autumn
377
00:13:56,259 --> 00:14:00,195
and I cannot miss
a single day
378
00:14:00,197 --> 00:14:03,698
of Autumn
379
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:07,935
[Cheers and applause]
380
00:14:07,937 --> 00:14:09,303
Ladies and gentlemen,
381
00:14:09,305 --> 00:14:11,873
next up,
Charles Tucker juggles.
382
00:14:11,875 --> 00:14:13,407
[Applause]
383
00:14:15,944 --> 00:14:17,177
Hello?
384
00:14:17,179 --> 00:14:18,379
Hey, Autumn,
did you hear my song?
385
00:14:18,381 --> 00:14:20,280
I loved it.
386
00:14:20,282 --> 00:14:24,084
I'd come congratulate you,
but I'm not feeling very well.
387
00:14:24,086 --> 00:14:25,819
Jake, could you hold on a sec?
388
00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:27,254
What?
389
00:14:27,256 --> 00:14:28,722
I have to go deal with
a self-tanner accident
390
00:14:28,724 --> 00:14:29,789
in the dressing room.
391
00:14:29,791 --> 00:14:30,991
Please tell Theo
no more strobe!
392
00:14:30,993 --> 00:14:34,028
[Electronic dance music]
393
00:14:34,030 --> 00:14:35,195
394
00:14:35,197 --> 00:14:36,396
Got it.
No more strobe.
395
00:14:36,398 --> 00:14:38,698
Autumn?
396
00:14:38,700 --> 00:14:41,835
Jake, could you
hold on just a tic?
397
00:14:41,837 --> 00:14:43,703
Theo, kill the strobe!
398
00:14:43,705 --> 00:14:45,304
The whole crowd's
gonna have a seizure.
399
00:14:45,306 --> 00:14:46,907
Really?
Promise?
400
00:14:46,909 --> 00:14:49,075
Tamara?
401
00:14:49,077 --> 00:14:53,846
Sorry, there's a loud ginger
at the sink next to me.
402
00:14:53,848 --> 00:14:56,382
It's you.
403
00:14:56,384 --> 00:14:59,985
Jake, no!
404
00:14:59,987 --> 00:15:01,020
[Applause]
405
00:15:01,022 --> 00:15:02,888
Hello, everyone.
406
00:15:02,890 --> 00:15:06,259
I am your MC, Glamour.
407
00:15:06,261 --> 00:15:08,027
All right, moving right along,
408
00:15:08,029 --> 00:15:10,429
doing some raucous stand-up,
409
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:13,231
Matty McK-K-Kibben!
410
00:15:13,233 --> 00:15:16,735
[Cheers and applause]
411
00:15:16,737 --> 00:15:17,803
Hey, folks!
412
00:15:17,805 --> 00:15:19,371
I am Matty McKibben.
413
00:15:19,373 --> 00:15:21,073
Thank you.
414
00:15:21,075 --> 00:15:24,342
As a senior, I'm approaching
my college apps
415
00:15:24,344 --> 00:15:25,977
the same way I approach
a first date.
416
00:15:25,979 --> 00:15:27,446
I put on a nice shirt,
417
00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:30,182
I talk about how awesome I am,
418
00:15:30,184 --> 00:15:33,118
and I drop 80 bucks
just to get brutally rejected.
419
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:36,754
[Laughter]
420
00:15:36,756 --> 00:15:39,691
Jake, wait!
421
00:15:39,693 --> 00:15:40,692
Move.
422
00:15:40,694 --> 00:15:41,826
Jake, just let me explain.
423
00:15:41,828 --> 00:15:43,094
What could you possibly say,
424
00:15:43,096 --> 00:15:44,495
other than you're
totally insane?
425
00:15:44,497 --> 00:15:46,130
You said you could say
anything to me.
426
00:15:46,132 --> 00:15:47,665
You said you've never felt
so close to anyone.
427
00:15:47,667 --> 00:15:49,133
I said that stuff to Autumn!
428
00:15:49,135 --> 00:15:50,969
And I'm Autumn!
429
00:15:50,971 --> 00:15:54,739
Did you not understand what
it meant when I dumped you?
430
00:15:54,741 --> 00:15:56,908
It's over, Tamara.
431
00:16:00,979 --> 00:16:02,413
Yeah, turning 18,
432
00:16:02,415 --> 00:16:05,316
it comes with a lot of
responsibility, it does.
433
00:16:05,318 --> 00:16:08,085
It is now our civic duty
to vote,
434
00:16:08,087 --> 00:16:09,786
fight for our country,
435
00:16:09,788 --> 00:16:11,422
download porn without
faking our date of birth.
436
00:16:11,424 --> 00:16:14,191
[Laughter]
437
00:16:15,827 --> 00:16:17,060
Oh, hey, mom?
438
00:16:17,062 --> 00:16:18,228
What?
439
00:16:18,230 --> 00:16:20,296
You didn't think
that was funny?
440
00:16:20,298 --> 00:16:21,331
Well, you know what is funny?
441
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:22,966
Huh?
442
00:16:22,968 --> 00:16:26,937
Being told your whole life
to act like a McKibben,
443
00:16:26,939 --> 00:16:29,940
and then finding out
you're not one!
444
00:16:29,942 --> 00:16:32,375
Whoo!
445
00:16:32,377 --> 00:16:36,146
My parents made me wonder
for 18 years
446
00:16:36,148 --> 00:16:37,813
if I would ever measure up
to my gene pool,
447
00:16:37,815 --> 00:16:39,749
but you know what?
448
00:16:39,751 --> 00:16:41,817
It turns out I don't have
a clue whose genes I've got.
449
00:16:41,819 --> 00:16:43,253
That is fucking hilarious!
450
00:16:43,255 --> 00:16:45,888
Matty, stop.
451
00:16:45,890 --> 00:16:46,922
Hi, Jenna.
452
00:16:46,924 --> 00:16:48,257
- Stop.
- Jenna Hamilton.
453
00:16:48,259 --> 00:16:49,792
Hey there, Jenna.
454
00:16:49,794 --> 00:16:51,260
Come here.
455
00:16:51,262 --> 00:16:52,394
Jenna Hamilton.
Ain't she pretty?
456
00:16:52,396 --> 00:16:54,196
Thank you. Hey.
457
00:16:54,198 --> 00:16:56,932
Oh, yeah, do you remember
when you went on birth control
458
00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:58,668
and my parents
called you a slut?
459
00:16:58,670 --> 00:16:59,735
Oh!
460
00:16:59,737 --> 00:17:01,771
That was good times, yeah,
461
00:17:01,773 --> 00:17:03,706
or how about the time
when they kicked me out,
462
00:17:03,708 --> 00:17:06,107
and you couldn't take a dump
for a week
463
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:07,342
because I was sharing
your bathroom?
464
00:17:07,344 --> 00:17:08,977
That was a-- [Fart noise]
465
00:17:08,979 --> 00:17:12,181
- a gas!
- [Audience groans]
466
00:17:12,183 --> 00:17:14,616
How am I doing, mom?
467
00:17:18,754 --> 00:17:20,955
Show us your balls!
468
00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:22,623
[Laughs]
469
00:17:28,363 --> 00:17:30,732
Matty--
470
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:31,866
Jenna, I didn't mean to--
471
00:17:31,868 --> 00:17:33,034
It's okay, Matty.
It's okay.
472
00:17:33,036 --> 00:17:35,369
I'm sorry.
473
00:17:35,371 --> 00:17:38,906
I am so--
I'm so sorry.
474
00:17:38,908 --> 00:17:41,375
With Matty's dirty secret
finally out in the open,
475
00:17:41,377 --> 00:17:44,579
my high school drama
had taken center stage...
476
00:17:47,148 --> 00:17:50,718
and it turns out that Luke
couldn't handle the show.
477
00:17:53,682 --> 00:17:55,481
Ladies and gentlemen,
478
00:17:55,483 --> 00:17:58,384
we are down to just
three finalists,
479
00:17:58,386 --> 00:18:02,621
one of whom will claim
the coveted Mr. PHHS crown.
480
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:06,225
Kyle Cohen, Tyler Miller,
481
00:18:06,227 --> 00:18:08,260
and Jake Rosati!
482
00:18:08,262 --> 00:18:09,428
[Cheers and applause]
483
00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:11,830
Jake Rosati?
484
00:18:11,832 --> 00:18:15,200
Last call for Jake--
485
00:18:15,202 --> 00:18:18,336
Okay, in the meantime,
one final question.
486
00:18:18,338 --> 00:18:21,640
Tyler, what is your most
cherished dream?
487
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,542
My dream is to be able to use
my recent blessings
488
00:18:24,544 --> 00:18:27,378
to get an education
to enable me
489
00:18:27,380 --> 00:18:30,081
to devote my life to ending
misery and suffering everywhere.
490
00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:31,116
Ugh!
491
00:18:31,118 --> 00:18:33,485
Could he be any more cliche?
492
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:35,320
Well, I believe he's sincere.
493
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,388
Whatever.
Get over it!
494
00:18:37,390 --> 00:18:41,226
Kyle, for the crown.
495
00:18:41,228 --> 00:18:43,728
Last night I had a dream
I was eating sushi,
496
00:18:43,730 --> 00:18:46,597
and when I asked what
kind of fish was in it,
497
00:18:46,599 --> 00:18:49,266
the waiter said it was
human flesh,
498
00:18:49,268 --> 00:18:51,168
and I liked it.
499
00:18:51,170 --> 00:18:55,205
It tasted like ficken,
you know, like chicken-fish,
500
00:18:55,207 --> 00:18:59,443
and when I woke up,
the bed was wet.
501
00:19:04,149 --> 00:19:07,484
And the winner is...
502
00:19:07,486 --> 00:19:09,085
Tyler Miller!
503
00:19:09,087 --> 00:19:12,022
[Cheers and applause]
504
00:19:18,129 --> 00:19:20,363
As much as I'd wanted
to convince myself
505
00:19:20,365 --> 00:19:21,898
that I was Jenna 2.0,
506
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:25,535
the truth was
I was still just Jenna.
507
00:19:28,305 --> 00:19:30,306
Hi.
508
00:19:30,308 --> 00:19:31,708
Listen, I'm sorry I didn't
tell you about the pageant,
509
00:19:31,710 --> 00:19:33,176
but this is why
I didn't want you to come,
510
00:19:33,178 --> 00:19:34,377
because I'm still
in high school,
511
00:19:34,379 --> 00:19:35,744
and I have
embarrassing parents,
512
00:19:35,746 --> 00:19:37,280
and a ridiculous amount
of ex-boyfriend drama,
513
00:19:37,282 --> 00:19:38,214
and if you can't handle
that, that's fine--
514
00:19:38,216 --> 00:19:39,815
- Jenna,
515
00:19:39,817 --> 00:19:41,350
I didn't leave the pageant
because I couldn't deal.
516
00:19:41,352 --> 00:19:42,552
Yeah, right.
517
00:19:42,554 --> 00:19:43,586
I left because what happened
to you up there
518
00:19:43,588 --> 00:19:45,221
was kind of rough,
519
00:19:45,223 --> 00:19:48,724
and I thought maybe
you could use some cheering up.
520
00:19:48,726 --> 00:19:51,660
Pumpkin spice, your favorite.
521
00:19:51,662 --> 00:19:52,594
Wait.
522
00:19:56,933 --> 00:19:58,567
I don't even know what to say.
523
00:19:58,569 --> 00:20:00,169
I haven't been out of
high school that long.
524
00:20:00,171 --> 00:20:02,071
I haven't forgotten the drama,
525
00:20:02,073 --> 00:20:04,606
and I wasn't nearly cool enough
to stage manage
526
00:20:04,608 --> 00:20:06,274
a male beauty pageant.
527
00:20:06,276 --> 00:20:07,709
So you're not scared off?
528
00:20:07,711 --> 00:20:10,812
You're going to have to
try a lot harder than that.
529
00:20:10,814 --> 00:20:12,146
I'm not going anywhere.
530
00:20:12,148 --> 00:20:15,983
I like you, Jenna Hamilton.
531
00:20:15,985 --> 00:20:17,952
A lot.
532
00:20:17,954 --> 00:20:21,523
[Pop music]
533
00:20:21,525 --> 00:20:26,761
534
00:20:26,811 --> 00:20:31,361
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