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1
00:00:09,248 --> 00:00:11,417
Keep your eyes open.
2
00:00:13,669 --> 00:00:15,880
All right, guys, what do we got?
3
00:00:15,922 --> 00:00:17,214
It's quiet out there.
4
00:00:17,256 --> 00:00:18,758
Stand by.
5
00:00:20,009 --> 00:00:22,845
Yeah, we, uh,
we better be ready.
6
00:00:22,887 --> 00:00:24,304
Yeah, I'm a man.
7
00:00:24,346 --> 00:00:26,599
Don't make it look like makeup.
8
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Car.
9
00:00:29,441 --> 00:00:31,026
Car.
10
00:00:31,068 --> 00:00:33,612
Is that guy one of ours?
11
00:00:33,654 --> 00:00:36,448
Look at the license plate.
12
00:00:36,490 --> 00:00:39,326
Looks like we got ourselves
an anus tart.
13
00:00:39,367 --> 00:00:43,080
Tobias Funke
was on his way to reconnect
14
00:00:43,122 --> 00:00:44,999
with a daughter
he'd lost touch with.
15
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,000
Hey, there.
16
00:00:46,041 --> 00:00:47,626
It's Big Daddy.
17
00:00:47,668 --> 00:00:50,754
I thought I'd try to call you
before I surprised you.
18
00:00:50,796 --> 00:00:54,049
Things are...
really looking up, and...
19
00:00:55,009 --> 00:00:56,468
Hello? Oh, damn it.
20
00:00:56,510 --> 00:00:58,553
What Sudden Valley does
to these cell phones.
21
00:00:58,595 --> 00:00:59,680
Oops.
22
00:00:59,721 --> 00:01:01,515
Unbeknownst to Tobias, however,
23
00:01:01,556 --> 00:01:04,309
the Sudden Valley home
he was on his way to visit...
24
00:01:04,351 --> 00:01:06,227
Anus tart is turning
on Tracey Lane.
25
00:01:06,269 --> 00:01:08,689
...had been rented out
to a television crew.
26
00:01:08,730 --> 00:01:09,773
He's creeping up George Michael.
27
00:01:09,815 --> 00:01:11,191
All right, guys, let's entrap
28
00:01:11,232 --> 00:01:12,609
a local predator.
29
00:01:12,651 --> 00:01:14,028
Come on. Lowlife.
30
00:01:14,069 --> 00:01:16,113
We got to put
this piece of (bleep)...
31
00:01:16,155 --> 00:01:17,555
Who, what, when,
where, why and how.
32
00:01:17,572 --> 00:01:18,907
Who, what, where, when,
why and how.
33
00:01:18,949 --> 00:01:21,576
Who, what, when,
where, why and how.
34
00:01:23,328 --> 00:01:25,246
Anus tart is
approaching the portico.
35
00:01:25,288 --> 00:01:28,042
Yes, Tobias was
finally about to get
36
00:01:28,083 --> 00:01:31,045
a starring role
on a hit TV show.
37
00:01:31,086 --> 00:01:34,422
Is there a little girl here
all by herself?
38
00:01:34,464 --> 00:01:36,424
And now the story
of the awful people
39
00:01:36,466 --> 00:01:38,844
who are about to lose
everything, and the one newsman
40
00:01:38,886 --> 00:01:41,388
who had no choice but to
entrap them all together.
41
00:01:41,429 --> 00:01:45,392
It's John Beard's To Entrap
a Local Predator, "Supercreeps."
42
00:01:45,433 --> 00:01:47,477
Now the story of a family
43
00:01:47,519 --> 00:01:50,731
whose future
was abruptly cancelled,
44
00:01:50,772 --> 00:01:52,691
and the one son-in-law
who had no choice
45
00:01:52,733 --> 00:01:54,234
but to keep himself together.
46
00:01:57,457 --> 00:02:00,615
It's Tobias's
Arrested Development.
47
00:02:03,952 --> 00:02:08,707
Five years before Tobias was to
appear on John Beard's TV show,
48
00:02:08,749 --> 00:02:11,043
his acting career
was as washed up...
49
00:02:11,085 --> 00:02:13,045
- None taken.
- ...as his family...
50
00:02:13,087 --> 00:02:14,755
You are soaked to the bone.
51
00:02:14,796 --> 00:02:17,257
...and those men he was
touching for some reason.
52
00:02:17,298 --> 00:02:19,134
And his wife challenged him
53
00:02:19,176 --> 00:02:21,720
to reexamine the other parts
of his life as well.
54
00:02:21,762 --> 00:02:23,430
There's nothing
keeping us together.
55
00:02:23,471 --> 00:02:26,391
It's time to give up our dreams
if they're not working.
56
00:02:26,433 --> 00:02:28,185
You know, your acting career,
57
00:02:28,227 --> 00:02:30,812
this marriage
that everyone thinks is a sham
58
00:02:30,854 --> 00:02:31,939
because you're gay.
59
00:02:31,980 --> 00:02:33,607
I-I'm sorry.
60
00:02:33,648 --> 00:02:36,818
Everyone thinks I'm gay?
61
00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:41,240
Well, I mean, it's kind of
a running joke in the family.
62
00:02:41,281 --> 00:02:44,076
I mean, y-you know that, right?
63
00:02:44,118 --> 00:02:46,369
'Cause of the misleading way
you talk sometimes.
64
00:02:46,411 --> 00:02:49,664
Oh, you're saying the way I talk
makes me sound gay?
65
00:02:49,706 --> 00:02:50,958
When in the last year
66
00:02:50,999 --> 00:02:53,543
have I said anything
remotely mis...
67
00:02:53,585 --> 00:02:56,295
♪ It's just a fallacy! ♪
68
00:02:56,337 --> 00:02:59,174
...leading? Is this because
I want to be an actor,
69
00:02:59,216 --> 00:03:00,884
and all the leading men
in Hollywood are gay?
70
00:03:00,926 --> 00:03:02,719
I don't think
that all the leading men
71
00:03:02,761 --> 00:03:03,804
in Hollywood are gay.
72
00:03:03,845 --> 00:03:05,346
Oh, honey.
73
00:03:05,388 --> 00:03:08,058
Look, we're chasing things
that aren't real.
74
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,811
Maybe we need to go out there
and find out
75
00:03:10,852 --> 00:03:12,395
what we're meant to do.
76
00:03:12,437 --> 00:03:15,899
His wife was giving him
the cold shoulder.
77
00:03:15,941 --> 00:03:17,525
And after kissing it good-bye,
78
00:03:17,567 --> 00:03:21,446
he sat with her family,
feeling lost...
79
00:03:21,488 --> 00:03:24,323
Well, you look like I feel.
80
00:03:24,365 --> 00:03:26,243
...and very misunderstood.
81
00:03:26,285 --> 00:03:27,661
Gay?
82
00:03:27,702 --> 00:03:29,746
No, I...
83
00:03:29,788 --> 00:03:31,165
No.
84
00:03:31,206 --> 00:03:33,792
Tobias knew
it was time to find out
85
00:03:33,834 --> 00:03:35,034
what he was truly meant to do.
86
00:03:35,043 --> 00:03:37,129
So when he came across a book
87
00:03:37,171 --> 00:03:39,380
the universe
had placed in his path,
88
00:03:39,422 --> 00:03:40,715
he was open to its inspiration.
89
00:03:40,757 --> 00:03:42,843
Oh, they're still reading,
but...
90
00:03:42,884 --> 00:03:45,095
well, I guess I can
leave them some love.
91
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,139
So he just took
"eat" and "pray."
92
00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:50,725
"Eat" was easy,
93
00:03:50,767 --> 00:03:54,104
although it provided
no cosmic answers for him.
94
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:57,316
But it was the part about India
that really got to him.
95
00:03:57,357 --> 00:03:59,818
And so, like the heroine
of Eat, Pray,
96
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:01,736
- Tobias decided
- Wait a minute.
97
00:04:01,778 --> 00:04:04,865
to get as far away
from his wife as possible.
98
00:04:06,449 --> 00:04:11,496
And so Tobias found himself
booking passage to India.
99
00:04:11,538 --> 00:04:14,291
And soon, he discovered
his wife was also
100
00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:16,251
preparing to go somewhere...
101
00:04:16,293 --> 00:04:18,212
- I think you have my suitcase.
- ...far away.
102
00:04:18,253 --> 00:04:20,214
I'm so sorry, Tobias.
103
00:04:20,255 --> 00:04:21,548
Look, I've already packed.
104
00:04:21,589 --> 00:04:22,549
Can I just use this one?
105
00:04:22,590 --> 00:04:24,384
Oh, what the heck.
106
00:04:24,425 --> 00:04:27,679
I guess having matching luggage
isn't so romantic anymore.
107
00:04:27,721 --> 00:04:29,348
And these romantic gestures are
108
00:04:29,389 --> 00:04:32,017
possibly why people think
I'm a homosexual.
109
00:04:32,059 --> 00:04:35,812
Well, it's time to correct
old misconceptions.
110
00:04:35,854 --> 00:04:38,232
And that is why
I'm making a new start.
111
00:04:38,273 --> 00:04:40,650
Oh, a new start.
112
00:04:40,692 --> 00:04:43,195
Filled with compassion and love.
113
00:04:43,237 --> 00:04:44,571
I like that.
114
00:04:44,612 --> 00:04:45,989
Well, I've already got
the license plate,
115
00:04:46,031 --> 00:04:47,115
so go cry in your pie!
116
00:04:47,157 --> 00:04:49,326
And so Tobias, hoping to
117
00:04:49,368 --> 00:04:53,454
"straighten out" his image,
set out on a new start,
118
00:04:53,496 --> 00:04:56,791
beginning with a trip
to the airport in an outfit
119
00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:59,086
he pretty much put together
himself.
120
00:04:59,127 --> 00:05:00,795
Well, I guess this is why
121
00:05:00,837 --> 00:05:02,256
you never see them
driving convertibles.
122
00:05:02,297 --> 00:05:03,757
I'll have to check on that one.
123
00:05:03,798 --> 00:05:05,842
But it certainly
wasn't embraced...
124
00:05:05,884 --> 00:05:07,219
Stay in your lane, anus tart!
125
00:05:07,261 --> 00:05:08,595
(bleep) anus tart!
126
00:05:08,636 --> 00:05:10,013
...by the local
Indian community.
127
00:05:10,055 --> 00:05:11,431
You have the true sense
of the oneness of all.
128
00:05:11,472 --> 00:05:14,059
And his quest
hit a bump early on,
129
00:05:14,101 --> 00:05:17,312
as he struggled to learn
the customs and gestures of
130
00:05:17,354 --> 00:05:19,314
- the culture he hoped to adopt.
- Oh, goddamn it!
131
00:05:19,356 --> 00:05:22,401
Am I the only one
who still dresses to fly?
132
00:05:22,442 --> 00:05:24,652
Well, there we go.
133
00:05:24,694 --> 00:05:26,029
India clean.
134
00:05:27,488 --> 00:05:29,074
Now, how did I...
135
00:05:29,116 --> 00:05:30,367
No. No.
136
00:05:30,409 --> 00:05:32,702
Unfortunately,
recreating the look
137
00:05:32,744 --> 00:05:34,537
- of the traditional Indian garb
- Are you finished? Oh.
138
00:05:34,579 --> 00:05:36,206
turned out to be more
difficult...
139
00:05:36,248 --> 00:05:38,128
I look like one of those
hot guys from Spartacus.
140
00:05:38,166 --> 00:05:41,336
...without the aid of Pradeep,
the helpful Indian salesman...
141
00:05:41,378 --> 00:05:43,546
I feel like there was
less up top.
142
00:05:43,588 --> 00:05:46,507
...at Bed, Bath & Beyond, who
helped him learn how to tie it.
143
00:05:46,549 --> 00:05:48,009
Ah, got it, okay.
144
00:05:51,346 --> 00:05:52,889
Yes, I actually
like this better.
145
00:05:52,931 --> 00:05:54,391
Yes?
146
00:05:56,810 --> 00:05:58,186
Canadian?
147
00:05:58,228 --> 00:05:59,854
No, I'm American.
148
00:05:59,896 --> 00:06:01,982
Oh, yeah. I'm Canadian.
149
00:06:02,023 --> 00:06:03,358
Oh. Sorry.
150
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,277
But because it was
a long flight,
151
00:06:05,319 --> 00:06:07,988
he figured he'd wait a beat
on finding his true calling
152
00:06:08,029 --> 00:06:09,948
and watch something to
take his mind off Lindsay...
153
00:06:09,990 --> 00:06:12,367
How could they not have
Failure to Launch?
154
00:06:12,409 --> 00:06:14,493
...who he knew was far away
at the time.
155
00:06:14,535 --> 00:06:15,996
Goddamn it.
156
00:06:17,205 --> 00:06:18,665
And after taking
157
00:06:18,706 --> 00:06:20,250
the wrong bag at the airport...
158
00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:21,876
Do not leave
any goats unattended.
159
00:06:21,918 --> 00:06:25,297
All unattended goats
will be confiscated.
160
00:06:25,339 --> 00:06:27,674
...Tobias finally arrived...
161
00:06:27,715 --> 00:06:30,302
And so Tobias Funke
embarked on a--
162
00:06:30,344 --> 00:06:34,014
Oh, dear, Lord, it's... hot!
163
00:06:34,055 --> 00:06:36,933
...in India, yes, where he was
very uncomfortable.
164
00:06:36,975 --> 00:06:39,227
Not only because
the wind whipped up
165
00:06:39,269 --> 00:06:41,438
his queen-sized
fitted mini-sarong,
166
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,274
but because he looked
the wrong direction
167
00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:45,516
when stepping into the street.
168
00:06:46,776 --> 00:06:48,820
And so Tobias experienced India
169
00:06:48,862 --> 00:06:50,822
from the inside
of a hospital room,
170
00:06:50,864 --> 00:06:52,324
where the staff
was being trained...
171
00:06:52,366 --> 00:06:54,284
This man here broke his skull
in two places.
172
00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:56,577
...by the same doctor
he'd had in America.
173
00:06:56,619 --> 00:06:58,746
Once outside the airport
and once in the elevator
174
00:06:58,788 --> 00:07:01,540
when his sheet got caught and
he was pulled off his gurney.
175
00:07:01,582 --> 00:07:02,709
Literally.
176
00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:04,030
Two places indeed.
177
00:07:04,044 --> 00:07:05,628
This is very funny.
178
00:07:05,670 --> 00:07:07,422
It's like that new show
we just caught, Laugh-In.
179
00:07:07,464 --> 00:07:08,756
My name is...
180
00:07:08,798 --> 00:07:10,384
Oh!
181
00:07:10,425 --> 00:07:13,720
Now I've broken my skull
in a third place!
182
00:07:13,761 --> 00:07:16,390
On this elephant guy statue!
183
00:07:16,431 --> 00:07:19,100
Tobias had wanted the universe
to provide him a sign.
184
00:07:19,142 --> 00:07:20,852
You should be a comedy actor.
185
00:07:20,894 --> 00:07:23,021
And finally it had.
186
00:07:23,063 --> 00:07:25,065
This is the sign I've been...
187
00:07:25,106 --> 00:07:27,275
Looking for.
188
00:07:27,317 --> 00:07:29,194
And after two more weeks
in the hospital,
189
00:07:29,236 --> 00:07:31,405
it was time
for his flight home.
190
00:07:31,446 --> 00:07:33,323
And that's when he got
another sign.
191
00:07:35,325 --> 00:07:37,869
A call from Lindsay.
192
00:07:37,911 --> 00:07:39,662
Although he wouldn't be able
to reach the phone for hours...
193
00:07:39,704 --> 00:07:41,373
I'm ready to make this work.
194
00:07:41,415 --> 00:07:43,708
...due to his already
weakened spine.
195
00:07:47,421 --> 00:07:48,922
Tobias and Lindsay
196
00:07:48,963 --> 00:07:50,798
shared the news
of their new start
197
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,217
at a family gathering.
198
00:07:52,259 --> 00:07:53,885
I got the part.
199
00:07:53,927 --> 00:07:56,096
You know, it's funny,
for I, too, find that
200
00:07:56,137 --> 00:07:57,514
I am on a journey.
201
00:07:57,556 --> 00:07:58,848
Although, as we discovered
202
00:07:58,890 --> 00:08:00,767
when our MasterCard bill
came back,
203
00:08:00,808 --> 00:08:02,352
it was the same one she took.
204
00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,187
But mine has confirmed
that I should
205
00:08:04,229 --> 00:08:06,606
redouble my efforts to achieve
206
00:08:06,647 --> 00:08:10,569
the unachievable dream
of being an actor.
207
00:08:10,610 --> 00:08:13,405
A journey
that has left me eager
208
00:08:13,447 --> 00:08:17,075
to connect with my true love.
209
00:08:17,117 --> 00:08:19,327
Particularly if she finds her...
210
00:08:19,369 --> 00:08:22,080
way clear to covering
a 2, 000-rupee
211
00:08:22,122 --> 00:08:25,250
City of Hopelessness
hospital debt.
212
00:08:25,292 --> 00:08:27,419
The trick is going to be
getting anyone to believe
213
00:08:27,461 --> 00:08:28,711
that her husband
is straight enough
214
00:08:28,753 --> 00:08:30,630
to have a true love
that's a woman.
215
00:08:30,671 --> 00:08:32,382
What are you implying?
216
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,426
Oh, I don't think there was
any implying going on at all.
217
00:08:34,468 --> 00:08:35,635
Didn't hear any implying.
218
00:08:35,676 --> 00:08:36,844
I wasn't implying.
219
00:08:36,886 --> 00:08:38,221
I'm sorry, Mother.
220
00:08:38,263 --> 00:08:39,806
It's just, I've got
a bit of a stick
221
00:08:39,847 --> 00:08:41,308
up my "bunghole"
about what I've now found
222
00:08:41,349 --> 00:08:42,767
is a running joke about me.
223
00:08:42,809 --> 00:08:44,603
But let's be honest.
224
00:08:44,644 --> 00:08:48,231
For 2, 000 rupees, we'd both
go down on Matthew McConaughey.
225
00:08:48,273 --> 00:08:50,108
Yes, Michael?
226
00:08:50,150 --> 00:08:52,152
At the time of this
family meeting,
227
00:08:52,193 --> 00:08:53,361
2, 000 rupees was $36.
228
00:08:53,403 --> 00:08:55,322
I wouldn't.
229
00:08:55,363 --> 00:08:57,407
Of course you wouldn't, Michael.
230
00:08:57,449 --> 00:08:59,409
You never accept help
from anyone.
231
00:08:59,451 --> 00:09:01,702
And hoping to do things
differently this time,
232
00:09:01,744 --> 00:09:04,581
Lindsay immediately started
spending money she didn't have.
233
00:09:04,623 --> 00:09:06,207
Are you ready to make a move?
234
00:09:06,249 --> 00:09:10,837
As you can see,
I'm ready for a lot that's new.
235
00:09:10,878 --> 00:09:12,339
Oh, good heavens.
236
00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:14,341
While Tobias pursued
237
00:09:14,382 --> 00:09:16,343
the life of
a professional actor.
238
00:09:16,384 --> 00:09:18,386
Listen, I'm an actor,
you're an agent.
239
00:09:18,428 --> 00:09:19,513
You do the math.
240
00:09:19,554 --> 00:09:21,014
I want you to represent me.
241
00:09:21,055 --> 00:09:23,224
In other words,
you do the math--
242
00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:24,643
the money, the negotiating.
243
00:09:24,684 --> 00:09:26,727
You know I'm not
that kind of agent, right?
244
00:09:26,769 --> 00:09:28,355
I'm a real estate agent.
245
00:09:28,396 --> 00:09:31,107
I'm a predator; I sell
giant houses to very poor people
246
00:09:31,149 --> 00:09:32,859
who can't afford them
with predatory loans.
247
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:34,819
No, see, that's the money stuff
I don't understand.
248
00:09:34,861 --> 00:09:36,737
All you need to do
is tell people
249
00:09:36,779 --> 00:09:38,823
what a terrific actor I am,
'cause I can't do it believably.
250
00:09:38,865 --> 00:09:40,200
What do you say?
251
00:09:40,241 --> 00:09:41,951
Sounds like it shouldn't be
too much work.
252
00:09:41,993 --> 00:09:43,119
Huzzah!
253
00:09:43,161 --> 00:09:44,371
Okay, here's the number
254
00:09:44,412 --> 00:09:46,414
of my current agent
Mike Matthews.
255
00:09:46,456 --> 00:09:49,501
He's at Allstate. Fire him.
256
00:09:49,543 --> 00:09:53,505
Tobias started seeing positive
career signs everywhere...
257
00:09:53,547 --> 00:09:54,922
...decorating my quarters.
258
00:09:54,964 --> 00:09:58,385
...he chose to put them.
259
00:09:58,426 --> 00:10:00,220
And at his new agent's
suggestion...
260
00:10:00,261 --> 00:10:02,138
Hi. I'm after pending.
261
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:04,765
...he even snuck on to a studio
lot to hand out head shots
262
00:10:04,807 --> 00:10:08,019
to extras and other
show business insiders.
263
00:10:08,061 --> 00:10:09,688
Taft-Hartley pending.
264
00:10:09,729 --> 00:10:11,439
Things were
looking up for the Funkes.
265
00:10:11,481 --> 00:10:13,816
They even celebrated
their first
266
00:10:13,858 --> 00:10:16,069
- home-cooked Thanksgiving.
- Including duck l'orange.
267
00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:17,362
Oh!
268
00:10:17,404 --> 00:10:19,280
Oh, no!
269
00:10:19,322 --> 00:10:21,616
Lindsay!
Lindsay, get the scooper!
270
00:10:21,658 --> 00:10:22,992
Throw oranges at it.
271
00:10:23,034 --> 00:10:24,952
Hot orange! Hot orange.
272
00:10:24,994 --> 00:10:26,246
All right...
273
00:10:26,287 --> 00:10:27,872
It's throwing its voice!
274
00:10:27,914 --> 00:10:29,457
- Oh!
- Lindsay!
275
00:10:30,625 --> 00:10:32,711
And so they went
276
00:10:32,752 --> 00:10:35,463
to the Fountain Valley
China Garden instead.
277
00:10:35,505 --> 00:10:38,675
And if the collapse
of the housing market,
278
00:10:38,717 --> 00:10:41,135
- his lack of auditions...
- Tobias Funke.
279
00:10:41,177 --> 00:10:43,096
or even the writers' strike
280
00:10:43,137 --> 00:10:45,181
couldn't deter Tobias
from his dream,
281
00:10:45,223 --> 00:10:47,141
the suicide of his ruined
282
00:10:47,183 --> 00:10:49,143
and despondent agent
certainly could.
283
00:10:49,185 --> 00:10:53,440
I believe he died as a warning,
in a way, his message perhaps
284
00:10:53,481 --> 00:10:55,483
to live within our means
285
00:10:55,525 --> 00:10:58,319
and be realistic
about our lives.
286
00:10:58,361 --> 00:10:59,904
And yet it didn't.
287
00:10:59,946 --> 00:11:02,365
Well, then I shall
redouble my efforts
288
00:11:02,407 --> 00:11:05,243
so that he died in vain.
289
00:11:07,621 --> 00:11:09,330
Meaning he will have led
a pointless life,
290
00:11:09,372 --> 00:11:10,457
is what I mean.
291
00:11:10,498 --> 00:11:11,750
Yes, carry on. Thank you.
292
00:11:11,790 --> 00:11:13,167
And he soon found himself
293
00:11:13,209 --> 00:11:16,588
bringing his wife
to an acting class
294
00:11:16,630 --> 00:11:19,215
in an effort to jump-start
his career and marriage.
295
00:11:19,257 --> 00:11:21,092
If everyone's good,
you'll get your juice.
296
00:11:21,134 --> 00:11:23,637
What did you say the name
of this acting class was again?
297
00:11:23,678 --> 00:11:25,138
Method One Clinic.
298
00:11:25,179 --> 00:11:26,699
Okay, I'm gonna go get coffee.
299
00:11:26,723 --> 00:11:29,850
Garden Grove Method One Clinic.
300
00:11:29,892 --> 00:11:31,728
And Tobias found himself
captivated
301
00:11:31,770 --> 00:11:33,396
by one of the monologues.
302
00:11:33,438 --> 00:11:36,107
And I made it in that movie,
the Fantastic Four,
303
00:11:36,149 --> 00:11:38,985
uh, but it wasn't fantastic
for me.
304
00:11:39,026 --> 00:11:40,945
Uh, I got carried away.
305
00:11:40,987 --> 00:11:43,531
And I'm like,
"This (bleep) is (bleep) up,
306
00:11:43,573 --> 00:11:45,992
"and I've got to get
my (bleep) together
307
00:11:46,033 --> 00:11:48,119
or I'm gonna be (bleep), too."
308
00:11:48,161 --> 00:11:50,622
Anyways, now I'm sober,
and I'm trying.
309
00:11:50,664 --> 00:11:52,499
It's... super hard.
310
00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:55,543
Thank you. Thank you.
311
00:11:55,585 --> 00:11:57,836
It was a devastating
and personal story.
312
00:11:57,878 --> 00:11:59,547
Okay, notes:
313
00:11:59,589 --> 00:12:01,716
um, first of all, it seemed
you were slurring a bit there,
314
00:12:01,758 --> 00:12:04,218
and I just think
you'd have so much more fun
315
00:12:04,260 --> 00:12:05,720
punching those... those words.
316
00:12:05,762 --> 00:12:07,138
Get it out there.
317
00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:09,848
"This (bleep)
is (bleep) up, sir."
318
00:12:09,890 --> 00:12:11,850
I'm-I'm sorry. I'm not familiar
with the piece, so...
319
00:12:11,892 --> 00:12:13,770
No, no, that's it.
320
00:12:13,812 --> 00:12:17,524
But I am familiar with your work
in the Fantastic Four, however.
321
00:12:17,565 --> 00:12:19,442
- You've seen that?
- Of course I have.
322
00:12:19,484 --> 00:12:21,569
20 years earlier,
DeBrie Bardeaux
323
00:12:21,611 --> 00:12:23,780
had played Sue Storm
in the low-budget version
324
00:12:23,822 --> 00:12:26,825
of the Fantastic Four, produced
by Imagine Entertainment,
325
00:12:26,865 --> 00:12:28,827
when, during Imagine's
Christmas party,
326
00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:31,788
a drunk lawyer reminded them
they'd lose the rights
327
00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:35,041
if they didn't make the film
in the next six days.
328
00:12:35,082 --> 00:12:39,713
After a two-hour search,
they found their entire cast.
329
00:12:39,754 --> 00:12:42,841
They also proved useful six
days later at the wrap party.
330
00:12:42,881 --> 00:12:45,884
I almost never get recognized
as the Invisible Girl.
331
00:12:45,926 --> 00:12:47,554
I can't believe you saw me.
332
00:12:47,595 --> 00:12:50,348
Well, I-I thought it was
"fantastic."
333
00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:52,433
Actually, most
of the performance
334
00:12:52,475 --> 00:12:54,018
that had so captivated
Tobias...
335
00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:55,812
Hey, maybe she came into
this Light Bulbs Unlimited.
336
00:12:55,854 --> 00:12:57,480
She was here a minute ago.
337
00:12:57,522 --> 00:12:59,566
...was performed
by a fishing line.
338
00:12:59,607 --> 00:13:01,818
This is the gayest
Starbucks ever!
339
00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:03,862
Did his fishing line break, too?
340
00:13:03,902 --> 00:13:06,322
Well, my acting career is over.
341
00:13:06,364 --> 00:13:09,617
Oh, don't say that. You've got
to say, "Keep the dream alive."
342
00:13:09,659 --> 00:13:11,035
That's what helps me.
343
00:13:11,077 --> 00:13:12,911
Well, this is what's helping me.
344
00:13:12,953 --> 00:13:15,039
- Oh.
- It's really good.
345
00:13:15,081 --> 00:13:17,083
Carl Weathers used to give us
grape juice.
346
00:13:17,124 --> 00:13:19,544
But then he'd add five dollars
to our credit card.
347
00:13:19,586 --> 00:13:21,920
Well, here is to
our acting addiction.
348
00:13:21,962 --> 00:13:22,921
Yep.
349
00:13:22,963 --> 00:13:24,965
May we never be cured.
350
00:13:25,007 --> 00:13:27,260
Are you crying? Oh, I'm crying.
351
00:13:27,301 --> 00:13:29,970
Oh, it's a nosebleed.
352
00:13:31,556 --> 00:13:33,767
Oh, thank you so much.
353
00:13:33,808 --> 00:13:35,894
Tobias had found a friend.
354
00:13:35,934 --> 00:13:37,437
- You're neat!
- You're neat.
355
00:13:37,478 --> 00:13:38,855
You're neat.
356
00:13:38,897 --> 00:13:40,356
You're neat.
357
00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:45,027
And after a
not-very-cute meet-cute,
358
00:13:45,069 --> 00:13:47,572
Tobias continued to find
DeBrie's behavior delightful,
359
00:13:47,614 --> 00:13:49,574
even when the methadone
made her think
360
00:13:49,616 --> 00:13:52,577
she was a piece of toast.
361
00:13:52,619 --> 00:13:54,579
There, now I can see
362
00:13:54,621 --> 00:13:57,540
a pretty face under all that
butter substitute.
363
00:13:57,582 --> 00:13:59,626
And I recognize you
from somewhere,
364
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:03,337
but it's not the Fantastic Four;
it's from somewhere else.
365
00:14:03,379 --> 00:14:05,799
I've done some things
I'm not proud of.
366
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,383
Episodics? Been there.
367
00:14:07,425 --> 00:14:10,344
It wasn't episodic.
368
00:14:10,386 --> 00:14:11,888
She had been in a series
369
00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:13,347
of soft-core porn movies
about women
370
00:14:13,389 --> 00:14:15,182
leading straight men
into gay sex,
371
00:14:15,224 --> 00:14:17,435
- called Straight Bait.
- This is my brother. He's gay.
372
00:14:17,477 --> 00:14:19,019
If you want to have sex with me,
373
00:14:19,061 --> 00:14:21,063
then you've got to have sex
with him first.
374
00:14:21,105 --> 00:14:24,442
And if you don't want to have
sex with her, you must be gay.
375
00:14:24,484 --> 00:14:26,653
I'll show you how not gay I am.
376
00:14:29,572 --> 00:14:31,616
She did six of these movies,
377
00:14:31,658 --> 00:14:34,577
and after lunch,
did three more.
378
00:14:34,619 --> 00:14:36,329
It's nice to be
recognized though.
379
00:14:36,370 --> 00:14:38,122
Marky Bark--
sometimes he doesn't know
380
00:14:38,164 --> 00:14:40,207
when I'm in the same room.
381
00:14:40,249 --> 00:14:41,584
And sometimes it feels like
382
00:14:41,626 --> 00:14:43,146
it's not the face blindness,
you know?
383
00:14:43,169 --> 00:14:45,129
It's the same
with me and Lindsay.
384
00:14:45,171 --> 00:14:47,507
I know she's trying,
but she doesn't believe
385
00:14:47,548 --> 00:14:49,509
in my acting career.
386
00:14:49,550 --> 00:14:52,261
Maybe she's right. I've yet
to make more money as an actor
387
00:14:52,303 --> 00:14:54,305
than I ever did as a doctor.
388
00:14:54,347 --> 00:14:56,140
And that's with
Country-Wide behind me.
389
00:14:56,182 --> 00:14:58,351
You're... wait, you're a doctor?
You can write scripts?
390
00:14:58,392 --> 00:15:00,311
Well, I like to think so.
391
00:15:00,353 --> 00:15:03,690
You should never give up a dream
if you can write scripts.
392
00:15:03,731 --> 00:15:06,693
You seem like you'd be
a good doctor/actor.
393
00:15:06,734 --> 00:15:09,028
It was the first
positive reinforcement
394
00:15:09,069 --> 00:15:11,155
Tobias had had since India.
395
00:15:11,197 --> 00:15:14,784
You remind me of
Billy Crystal... Mmm, mmm!
396
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:17,495
It would have broken
Tobias's heart if he knew
397
00:15:17,537 --> 00:15:19,664
she was about to say
"Billy Crystal Meth,"
398
00:15:19,706 --> 00:15:21,123
a funny drug dealer.
399
00:15:21,165 --> 00:15:24,669
Uh, I... got a bit carried away
400
00:15:24,711 --> 00:15:26,963
when you compared me
to Billy Crystal.
401
00:15:27,005 --> 00:15:29,507
You remind me
of Billy Crystal...
402
00:15:29,549 --> 00:15:33,093
Once again, she was going
to say "Billy Crystal Meth."
403
00:15:33,135 --> 00:15:35,847
I'm sorry, but, DeBrie,
I-I've never met anyone
404
00:15:35,889 --> 00:15:37,724
who understands me like you do.
405
00:15:37,765 --> 00:15:39,934
- Or at all.
- Maybe, with someone like you,
406
00:15:39,976 --> 00:15:41,602
I could have a new start.
407
00:15:41,644 --> 00:15:45,064
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
408
00:15:45,105 --> 00:15:48,776
Did you see my license plate--
"A-N-U-S-T-A-R-T"?
409
00:15:48,818 --> 00:15:51,362
Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
410
00:15:51,404 --> 00:15:55,115
Did you see my Straight Bait
movie of the same name?
411
00:15:55,157 --> 00:15:57,493
Coincidence.
412
00:15:57,535 --> 00:15:59,037
We should be together.
413
00:15:59,078 --> 00:16:00,454
We should run away.
414
00:16:01,915 --> 00:16:03,165
Oh, my gosh.
415
00:16:03,207 --> 00:16:04,834
Well, this is happening so fast.
416
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:06,419
Well, what do I do
about Lindsay?
417
00:16:06,460 --> 00:16:09,213
I mean, can I just improv my way
out of a marriage?
418
00:16:10,256 --> 00:16:13,801
Yes, and... let's do this.
419
00:16:13,843 --> 00:16:14,886
Blackout.
420
00:16:14,928 --> 00:16:16,554
Unaware that a similar
421
00:16:16,596 --> 00:16:19,098
off-menu swap had just occurred
at Swappigans,
422
00:16:19,139 --> 00:16:20,683
Tobias broke the news
423
00:16:20,725 --> 00:16:23,061
that he was leaving Lindsay
in a phone call.
424
00:16:23,102 --> 00:16:24,562
...for I have met someone.
425
00:16:24,604 --> 00:16:26,188
It's not important who it is.
426
00:16:26,230 --> 00:16:27,774
It's Sue Storm.
427
00:16:27,815 --> 00:16:29,943
I'm so sorry,
but DeBrie believes in me,
428
00:16:29,984 --> 00:16:31,903
and she stopped my heart, too.
429
00:16:31,945 --> 00:16:34,989
If you're wondering what "too"
referred to, it was this:
430
00:16:35,031 --> 00:16:36,323
Let's do this.
431
00:16:36,365 --> 00:16:37,825
Blackout.
432
00:16:37,867 --> 00:16:40,036
And scene, as they say.
433
00:16:40,078 --> 00:16:41,439
Her heart stopped!
She-She's dying!
434
00:16:41,454 --> 00:16:43,915
Please, someone!
She had too much butter!
435
00:16:43,957 --> 00:16:45,416
- She's a very famous actress!
- Someone say "butter" out here?
436
00:16:45,458 --> 00:16:47,167
Oh, my God,
that's a butter face.
437
00:16:47,209 --> 00:16:49,462
- How much butter did the patient have?
- I don't know.
438
00:16:49,503 --> 00:16:51,297
- A Star Trek chess set's worth.
- Damn it, that Swappigans
439
00:16:51,338 --> 00:16:53,758
puts more people in
this hospital. Make way, people!
440
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,009
We got a 61-year-old male
441
00:16:55,051 --> 00:16:56,469
in full cardiac arrest
coming through.
442
00:16:56,510 --> 00:16:57,720
You have to wait outside, sir.
443
00:16:57,762 --> 00:16:59,013
Be careful of her face!
444
00:16:59,055 --> 00:17:00,807
She's an actress!
445
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,143
It's worth noting that Tobias
446
00:17:04,184 --> 00:17:06,479
had heard this hospital
in Orange County
447
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:09,065
was a favorite
of show business big shots
448
00:17:09,107 --> 00:17:10,566
seeking plastic surgery.
449
00:17:10,608 --> 00:17:12,693
We're both actors!
450
00:17:17,865 --> 00:17:19,826
On the day of Lucille's trial,
451
00:17:19,867 --> 00:17:22,120
Tobias was in a hospital
with a woman
452
00:17:22,161 --> 00:17:24,831
he'd both fallen for
and had rushed into an ICU.
453
00:17:24,872 --> 00:17:27,583
See? Makeup makes everyone
feel a little better.
454
00:17:27,625 --> 00:17:29,085
You didn't leave me.
455
00:17:29,127 --> 00:17:31,004
Everybody leaves me.
456
00:17:31,045 --> 00:17:34,799
I've been left in Dumpsters
and on a curb and...
457
00:17:34,841 --> 00:17:36,342
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
458
00:17:36,383 --> 00:17:38,761
Excuse me. Could you, uh,
leave us alone for...
459
00:17:38,803 --> 00:17:40,513
- Yeah, absolutely, yes.
- Thank you.
460
00:17:40,554 --> 00:17:42,807
Oh, no, I-I'd like him
to-to stay.
461
00:17:42,849 --> 00:17:43,891
- Really?
- Yeah.
462
00:17:43,933 --> 00:17:44,892
Okay.
463
00:17:44,934 --> 00:17:46,185
I'm afraid that you have
464
00:17:46,226 --> 00:17:48,104
tested positive
for chlamydia, syphilis,
465
00:17:48,146 --> 00:17:49,563
gonorrhea, hepatitis,
pancreatitis,
466
00:17:49,605 --> 00:17:52,900
trichomonitis,
nongonococcal urethritis.
467
00:17:52,942 --> 00:17:55,862
All the itises, really,
and there's also
468
00:17:55,903 --> 00:17:57,113
a host of osises.
469
00:17:57,155 --> 00:17:58,865
Now, what this means
in nonmedical terms
470
00:17:58,906 --> 00:18:01,826
is that you have landed, uh,
a real party girl.
471
00:18:01,868 --> 00:18:03,744
Well, will she be okay?
472
00:18:03,786 --> 00:18:05,454
Well, we can treat
all of these things,
473
00:18:05,496 --> 00:18:07,123
but if she's really
gonna be okay,
474
00:18:07,165 --> 00:18:09,125
uh, she's gonna have to tackle
this drug problem.
475
00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:11,377
You didn't tell me
you had a drug problem.
476
00:18:11,418 --> 00:18:13,587
We met at a methadone clinic.
477
00:18:13,629 --> 00:18:14,588
Are you high?
478
00:18:14,630 --> 00:18:16,049
We met at an acting class.
479
00:18:16,090 --> 00:18:17,800
The Method One...
480
00:18:17,842 --> 00:18:20,511
There it is. I'm gonna let
you guys, uh, hash this out.
481
00:18:20,553 --> 00:18:22,596
I guess I shouldn't have
lied about being clean
482
00:18:22,638 --> 00:18:25,850
when I took that methadone,
but I'll do better this time.
483
00:18:25,892 --> 00:18:27,185
Or are you gonna leave me
484
00:18:27,226 --> 00:18:29,395
now that you know
that I'm a druggie?
485
00:18:29,436 --> 00:18:32,732
DeBrie, look, some people
struggle with addiction,
486
00:18:32,773 --> 00:18:35,359
other people are incapable
of ever being nude.
487
00:18:35,401 --> 00:18:36,903
Everybody has something.
488
00:18:36,944 --> 00:18:39,947
And it's my professional opinion
that your drug use
489
00:18:39,989 --> 00:18:43,910
is a direct result of your
abandoning your dream of acting.
490
00:18:43,951 --> 00:18:45,703
You are a gifted actress.
491
00:18:45,745 --> 00:18:47,705
When I first saw Straight Bait,
492
00:18:47,747 --> 00:18:49,040
there were two men making love,
493
00:18:49,082 --> 00:18:51,084
but I couldn't take
my eyes off of you.
494
00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:52,835
You watched Straight Bait?
495
00:18:52,877 --> 00:18:54,378
Oh, just2, 4and9.
496
00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:56,797
You were with a guy
who didn't care about you.
497
00:18:56,839 --> 00:19:00,051
But stick with me,
and I'll make you famous.
498
00:19:00,093 --> 00:19:03,804
By cashing in
on your most celebrated role.
499
00:19:03,846 --> 00:19:04,972
Come one, come all!
500
00:19:05,014 --> 00:19:07,433
Get your photo taken
with Sue Storm
501
00:19:07,474 --> 00:19:08,935
from the Fantastic Four!
502
00:19:08,976 --> 00:19:10,561
Hey, is that Jessica Alba?
503
00:19:10,603 --> 00:19:13,480
No, this is the original
Sue Storm, DeBrie Bardeaux!
504
00:19:13,522 --> 00:19:15,399
- Who?
- The original Sue Storm,
505
00:19:15,441 --> 00:19:17,026
DeBrie Bardeaux. She--
No, no!
506
00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:18,027
No free pictures, kids!
507
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,028
No, no, scram!
508
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:20,071
Get out of here! Go!
509
00:19:20,113 --> 00:19:21,405
Go, get out of here.
510
00:19:21,447 --> 00:19:22,949
I don't think this is working.
511
00:19:22,990 --> 00:19:25,325
Maybe I need to get
a regular job.
512
00:19:25,367 --> 00:19:27,494
I do have a law degree.
513
00:19:27,536 --> 00:19:29,371
I know, I know,
and I'm a doctor.
514
00:19:29,413 --> 00:19:31,331
But no, let's not settle.
515
00:19:31,373 --> 00:19:33,333
Look, it's the Fantastic Four.
516
00:19:33,375 --> 00:19:35,878
No one recognizes one alone.
517
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:37,255
I've got an idea.
518
00:19:37,296 --> 00:19:39,381
Ten dollars gets you
a picture with
519
00:19:39,423 --> 00:19:40,633
real Hollywood characters!
520
00:19:40,674 --> 00:19:41,842
What do you say? Ten dollars.
521
00:19:41,884 --> 00:19:42,843
That's certainly cheap.
522
00:19:42,885 --> 00:19:45,096
Oh! Hello, young man,
523
00:19:45,138 --> 00:19:47,389
and his... uncle? Neighbor?
524
00:19:47,431 --> 00:19:48,682
Father.
525
00:19:48,724 --> 00:19:49,976
Oh! That's terrific.
526
00:19:50,017 --> 00:19:51,393
Well, how would you like
527
00:19:51,435 --> 00:19:52,770
to have your picture taken
528
00:19:52,812 --> 00:19:55,648
with real Hollywood
movie land characters?
529
00:19:55,689 --> 00:19:57,066
Are you the Smurfs?
530
00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:58,651
No, no, no.
531
00:19:58,692 --> 00:20:00,236
They're the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
532
00:20:00,278 --> 00:20:01,570
Oh, I assure you,
533
00:20:01,612 --> 00:20:03,405
there's nothing ambiguous
about me.
534
00:20:03,447 --> 00:20:05,699
I'm Johnny Storm,
the human flamer.
535
00:20:05,741 --> 00:20:09,536
And this is Sue Storm, my sister
and fellow fighter-in-law.
536
00:20:09,578 --> 00:20:11,705
Now watch as I get--
no, I have special effects!
537
00:20:11,747 --> 00:20:13,582
Look, children love fire.
538
00:20:13,624 --> 00:20:14,625
Oh.
539
00:20:14,667 --> 00:20:15,626
This isn't working either.
540
00:20:15,668 --> 00:20:17,295
You're right.
541
00:20:17,336 --> 00:20:19,755
Two people in blue
doesn't say Fantastic Four.
542
00:20:19,797 --> 00:20:21,465
You know what though?
543
00:20:21,507 --> 00:20:23,550
I think I may have
just the thing.
544
00:20:23,592 --> 00:20:24,760
Oh?
545
00:20:24,802 --> 00:20:26,846
Just "the thing."
546
00:20:26,887 --> 00:20:28,306
Cut to...
547
00:20:28,347 --> 00:20:30,891
Now that I'm the iconic
rock man The Thing,
548
00:20:30,933 --> 00:20:32,518
no one will misunderstand.
549
00:20:32,559 --> 00:20:35,271
I'm sure the Blues Brothers here
will know who we are.
550
00:20:35,313 --> 00:20:37,148
Excuse me, are you Sue Storm
and The Thing?
551
00:20:37,190 --> 00:20:38,983
Oh, who's smart now?
552
00:20:39,025 --> 00:20:40,693
Indeed we are.
553
00:20:40,734 --> 00:20:42,820
In fact, they were orthodox
members of the law firm
554
00:20:42,862 --> 00:20:45,531
Feinberg, Feinberg, Feinberg
& Feinberg.
555
00:20:45,572 --> 00:20:48,284
We represent Stan Lee
and Marvel Enterprises.
556
00:20:48,326 --> 00:20:49,952
This is a cease and desist
557
00:20:49,994 --> 00:20:51,745
ordering you
to stop impersonating
558
00:20:51,787 --> 00:20:53,413
any of our trademark characters.
559
00:20:53,455 --> 00:20:54,915
Oh, let me take a look at that.
560
00:20:54,957 --> 00:20:56,000
I have a law degree.
561
00:20:56,042 --> 00:20:57,210
No, DeBrie, I've got this.
562
00:20:57,251 --> 00:20:59,419
Mr. Feinberg?
563
00:20:59,461 --> 00:21:01,088
Uh, would it change your mind
564
00:21:01,130 --> 00:21:05,176
if I offered you
a free Sue Storm armband?
565
00:21:05,218 --> 00:21:07,094
It did not change his mind.
566
00:21:07,136 --> 00:21:09,847
And although the hate crime
charges were dismissed,
567
00:21:09,889 --> 00:21:11,598
they were told
they could not continue
568
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,100
to pose as the Fantastic Four.
569
00:21:13,142 --> 00:21:15,853
Can they really make us leave
Hollywood Boulevard?
570
00:21:15,895 --> 00:21:18,981
Well, apparently in
this instance, paper beats rock.
571
00:21:19,023 --> 00:21:19,982
You have a rock?
572
00:21:20,024 --> 00:21:22,318
No, I am your rock now.
573
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,361
Oh.
574
00:21:23,402 --> 00:21:24,528
So what are we gonna do
575
00:21:24,570 --> 00:21:26,239
now that we don't
have the rights?
576
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,032
Well, we just go off-brand.
577
00:21:28,074 --> 00:21:31,618
Uh, we'll just change the names
and do a cheap generic knockoff.
578
00:21:31,660 --> 00:21:33,412
Kids don't care.
579
00:21:33,453 --> 00:21:35,164
Tobias took them down
to a street
580
00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:37,875
near Harbor Boulevard,
where his friend Gary Goose
581
00:21:37,917 --> 00:21:39,459
told him
they didn't police very much.
582
00:21:39,501 --> 00:21:41,381
Rock Monster and Ability
to Be Invisible Person.
583
00:21:41,420 --> 00:21:43,005
Hello, young man.
What brings you
584
00:21:43,047 --> 00:21:45,966
to at least 500 feet
past the entrance of Disneyland?
585
00:21:46,008 --> 00:21:47,134
Dad, can I get my picture taken
586
00:21:47,176 --> 00:21:48,302
with The Thing
and Invisible Girl?
587
00:21:48,344 --> 00:21:49,845
They're the Fantastic Four.
588
00:21:49,887 --> 00:21:51,847
Well, actually, technically,
I'm Rock Monster,
589
00:21:51,889 --> 00:21:54,183
and this is
Ability to Be Invisible Person.
590
00:21:54,225 --> 00:21:56,102
- Hey, you guys want the ten dollars or not?
- Yeah.
591
00:21:56,143 --> 00:21:57,644
- Uh...
- Yeah, yeah.
592
00:21:57,686 --> 00:21:59,355
Yes. Okay.
593
00:21:59,397 --> 00:22:01,941
We're The Thing
and the Invisible Girl.
594
00:22:01,982 --> 00:22:03,067
- You're under arrest.
- What?
595
00:22:03,109 --> 00:22:04,610
Boom. Turn around.
596
00:22:04,651 --> 00:22:05,986
- Let's go.
- I didn't...
597
00:22:06,028 --> 00:22:07,405
- Let's go. Get up there.
- Oh! Oh!
598
00:22:07,446 --> 00:22:09,198
Come on.
599
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,200
- Oh, come on, now.
- No, no, no.
600
00:22:11,242 --> 00:22:13,619
We're not gonna kill him,
we're just gonna handcuff him.
601
00:22:13,660 --> 00:22:15,246
You can't shoot us
'cause it's not a felony.
602
00:22:15,288 --> 00:22:17,373
Keep your eyes on her.
I'll be right back.
603
00:22:17,415 --> 00:22:19,375
Okay.
604
00:22:21,794 --> 00:22:23,087
If it happens again,
605
00:22:23,129 --> 00:22:25,214
you know, it will be
a third strike.
606
00:22:25,256 --> 00:22:26,924
Three-strikes law's up for
review in the appellate courts,
607
00:22:26,966 --> 00:22:28,259
but we really
shouldn't be charging.
608
00:22:28,301 --> 00:22:30,010
I know of a street
in Garden Grove
609
00:22:30,052 --> 00:22:32,012
- where they don't police very much.
- Okay.
610
00:22:32,054 --> 00:22:33,555
Things were looking down.
611
00:22:33,597 --> 00:22:36,225
And over the following weeks,
612
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:38,060
their financial situation
grew dire enough
613
00:22:38,102 --> 00:22:39,353
for this to happen.
614
00:22:39,395 --> 00:22:41,272
We're broke.
615
00:22:41,314 --> 00:22:43,232
But you can't sell
your Fantastic Four costume.
616
00:22:43,274 --> 00:22:44,608
I mean, that would be
like a fisherman
617
00:22:44,650 --> 00:22:46,652
selling his fishing costume.
618
00:22:46,693 --> 00:22:48,904
No, I was gonna
have sex with him.
619
00:22:48,946 --> 00:22:50,488
For money.
620
00:22:50,530 --> 00:22:52,199
What? No. Put that back on.
621
00:22:52,241 --> 00:22:54,201
You don't have to
degrade yourself this way.
622
00:22:54,243 --> 00:22:56,370
Hey, I'm not a thing.
623
00:22:56,412 --> 00:22:58,622
Hey, I am a Thing.
624
00:22:58,664 --> 00:23:01,208
And so, with no other options,
Tobias returned
625
00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:02,709
to his in-laws' penthouse,
626
00:23:02,751 --> 00:23:05,671
desperate enough
to ransack the place,
627
00:23:05,712 --> 00:23:08,632
when it appeared
someone had beaten him to it.
628
00:23:08,674 --> 00:23:10,468
Michael.
629
00:23:10,508 --> 00:23:12,178
No, George Michael.
630
00:23:12,219 --> 00:23:14,096
Somebody, help!
631
00:23:14,138 --> 00:23:16,015
And that's when he heard
what sounded like two ostriches
632
00:23:16,056 --> 00:23:18,142
making love to a pop hit.
633
00:23:18,184 --> 00:23:19,852
But was actually this.
634
00:23:19,893 --> 00:23:23,397
♪ Why don't you
go away, go away ♪
635
00:23:23,439 --> 00:23:24,940
♪ Get away, get away ♪
636
00:23:24,982 --> 00:23:26,900
♪ Stay away ♪
637
00:23:26,942 --> 00:23:29,487
♪ You're hopelessly
hopeless... ♪
638
00:23:29,527 --> 00:23:31,905
Good bird.
639
00:23:33,531 --> 00:23:34,950
Stop it, chicken!
640
00:23:34,992 --> 00:23:37,161
Somebody help!
641
00:23:37,203 --> 00:23:38,371
Lucille 2!
642
00:23:38,412 --> 00:23:40,206
Help! Help!
Kevin, give me a hand!
643
00:23:40,247 --> 00:23:41,748
Get Dr. Bowman or Alicia.
644
00:23:41,790 --> 00:23:43,125
Either one.
645
00:23:43,167 --> 00:23:45,294
This woman's been
attacked by an ostrich!
646
00:23:45,336 --> 00:23:47,254
Ah, Tobias got a new girlfriend.
647
00:23:52,092 --> 00:23:53,760
Tobias had acted like
an actual superhero
648
00:23:53,802 --> 00:23:54,887
- and saved Lucille 2.
- There's my hero.
649
00:23:54,928 --> 00:23:56,389
You know, the doctor said
650
00:23:56,430 --> 00:23:57,681
if that bird had gotten through
651
00:23:57,723 --> 00:23:59,641
my second layer of makeup,
it could've done
652
00:23:59,683 --> 00:24:00,893
permanent damage to my skin.
653
00:24:00,934 --> 00:24:02,644
And I want to repay you.
654
00:24:02,686 --> 00:24:05,314
You're a doctor,
and you're out of work.
655
00:24:05,356 --> 00:24:07,233
- Well...
- How would you like to come work for me,
656
00:24:07,274 --> 00:24:08,692
at Austerity?
657
00:24:08,734 --> 00:24:10,736
The rehab center? That's yours?
658
00:24:10,777 --> 00:24:12,779
Well, my brother Argyle
runs it day to day.
659
00:24:12,821 --> 00:24:13,989
But we are so understaffed.
660
00:24:14,031 --> 00:24:15,491
You'd be such a gift.
661
00:24:15,533 --> 00:24:18,576
It would only pay
120 grand a year to start.
662
00:24:18,618 --> 00:24:20,829
Tobias, whose girlfriend
had nearly
663
00:24:20,871 --> 00:24:23,249
sold her body for money
in front of him,
664
00:24:23,290 --> 00:24:26,502
knew that everyone at some time
has to face reality.
665
00:24:30,672 --> 00:24:32,674
- But that this wasn't the time.
- No.
666
00:24:32,716 --> 00:24:34,427
- You turned it down?!
- Uh-huh.
667
00:24:34,468 --> 00:24:37,304
I almost a guy
for a hamburger,
668
00:24:37,346 --> 00:24:40,224
and you turned down
$120, 000 a year?
669
00:24:40,266 --> 00:24:42,684
To keep our dream alive,
yes, I did.
670
00:24:42,726 --> 00:24:44,437
I thought you'd be proud of me.
671
00:24:44,478 --> 00:24:46,355
After all, a doctor in India
672
00:24:46,397 --> 00:24:48,941
told me that I have the gift
to make people laugh.
673
00:24:48,982 --> 00:24:50,608
Why are you crying?
674
00:24:50,650 --> 00:24:52,694
You're worse than Marky.
675
00:24:52,736 --> 00:24:56,698
He couldn't see me,
but you can't hear me.
676
00:24:58,742 --> 00:25:01,203
The setback sent
an emotionally fragile DeBrie
677
00:25:01,245 --> 00:25:03,914
back to her old ways.
678
00:25:03,956 --> 00:25:06,500
And before long,
she was picked up by a limo
679
00:25:06,542 --> 00:25:08,252
for a night of
being passed around
680
00:25:08,294 --> 00:25:10,712
amongst Hollywood creeps.
681
00:25:10,754 --> 00:25:14,758
For three weeks, Tobias waited,
hoping DeBrie would return.
682
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,970
Perhaps it was
the morning he awoke to find
683
00:25:18,011 --> 00:25:19,555
two bums using him as a pillow
684
00:25:19,597 --> 00:25:21,765
that he realized
she wasn't coming back.
685
00:25:21,807 --> 00:25:23,350
Who are you supposed to be?
686
00:25:23,392 --> 00:25:25,852
Oh, I'm The Thing
from Fantastic Four.
687
00:25:25,894 --> 00:25:28,855
You've been served, (bleep).
688
00:25:28,897 --> 00:25:31,442
Oh, (bleep) me.
689
00:25:31,484 --> 00:25:33,277
Are you undercover as well?
690
00:25:33,319 --> 00:25:35,237
I'm CIA.
Not here for you though.
691
00:25:35,279 --> 00:25:37,615
Scoping out
Imagine Entertainment.
692
00:25:37,655 --> 00:25:40,033
So, with nowhere to go...
693
00:25:40,075 --> 00:25:41,743
Thought I'd try you again.
694
00:25:41,785 --> 00:25:43,454
...and no one to help him
out of his rock suit...
695
00:25:43,496 --> 00:25:45,581
Honey, you read
comic books, yes?
696
00:25:45,623 --> 00:25:47,124
...he went to see
if his daughter
697
00:25:47,166 --> 00:25:49,627
would give him a place to stay.
698
00:25:54,214 --> 00:25:56,967
Now the fun begins,
right, Officer Three?
699
00:25:57,009 --> 00:25:58,844
I'll say.
700
00:25:58,885 --> 00:26:01,430
...and why and how. Who, what,
when, where, why and how.
701
00:26:02,848 --> 00:26:05,601
Is there a little girl here
all by herself?
702
00:26:05,643 --> 00:26:07,936
And perhaps it was this
that would finally
703
00:26:07,978 --> 00:26:10,523
get him to admit
that he sometimes did speak
704
00:26:10,564 --> 00:26:12,232
in a misleading way.
705
00:26:12,274 --> 00:26:15,068
Daddy needs to get
his rocks off.
706
00:26:19,990 --> 00:26:22,535
On the next
To Entrap a Local Predator...
707
00:26:22,576 --> 00:26:24,537
I'll be down in a minute.
708
00:26:24,578 --> 00:26:26,330
Have some lemonade.
709
00:26:26,372 --> 00:26:28,123
Predator gets
its first rock-solid case.
710
00:26:28,165 --> 00:26:30,834
Pretty good lemonade, huh?
711
00:26:30,876 --> 00:26:32,127
It is.
712
00:26:32,169 --> 00:26:33,837
Is there alcohol in here--
John Beard!
713
00:26:33,879 --> 00:26:34,838
Please, have a seat.
714
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:35,839
Okay.
715
00:26:35,881 --> 00:26:37,007
Why are you here?
716
00:26:37,049 --> 00:26:38,425
I'm here to see my little girl.
717
00:26:38,467 --> 00:26:40,678
I wanted to show her
Daddy's Thing.
718
00:26:40,718 --> 00:26:42,012
What are you doing here?
719
00:26:42,054 --> 00:26:44,806
I'm doing a, um,
a local interest piece.
720
00:26:44,848 --> 00:26:45,807
Mm.
721
00:26:45,849 --> 00:26:46,892
Okay, get in there, boys.
722
00:26:46,933 --> 00:26:48,602
Oh, really local.
723
00:26:48,644 --> 00:26:49,645
That's right, yeah.
724
00:26:49,687 --> 00:26:50,728
Is this about my daughter?
725
00:26:50,770 --> 00:26:51,897
Oh, so it's your daughter
726
00:26:51,938 --> 00:26:53,607
- you're here to see?
- Yes.
727
00:26:54,358 --> 00:26:55,733
Maeby.
728
00:26:55,775 --> 00:26:57,611
If he's got a daughter,
then how old is she?
729
00:26:57,653 --> 00:26:58,736
Let me ask you this.
730
00:26:58,778 --> 00:26:59,737
How old is she?
731
00:26:59,779 --> 00:27:01,781
Oh.
732
00:27:01,823 --> 00:27:03,659
Why do you put me on the spot?
733
00:27:03,701 --> 00:27:06,579
Um, I want to say 19?
734
00:27:06,620 --> 00:27:09,164
But I like
to think of her as 15.
735
00:27:09,206 --> 00:27:10,207
Well, you're free to go.
736
00:27:10,249 --> 00:27:11,833
She's not here.
737
00:27:11,875 --> 00:27:13,555
But this creep won't take "go"
738
00:27:13,586 --> 00:27:15,003
- for an answer.
- Oh, that's all right.
739
00:27:15,045 --> 00:27:16,589
I'll stay, I'll wait.
740
00:27:16,630 --> 00:27:18,591
And this creep makes himself
right at home.
741
00:27:18,632 --> 00:27:20,593
- Give me just a minute.
- He's not leaving.
742
00:27:20,634 --> 00:27:22,553
- He's not leaving.
- He's not leaving.
743
00:27:22,595 --> 00:27:24,471
Tell him there's a raccoon
in the backyard.
744
00:27:24,513 --> 00:27:26,056
Hey, guess what.
745
00:27:26,098 --> 00:27:27,849
There's a raccoon
out on the patio!
746
00:27:27,891 --> 00:27:28,917
Bull (bleep).
747
00:27:29,037 --> 00:27:30,207
Where is that little guy?
748
00:27:30,327 --> 00:27:33,105
And this guy turns out to be
a real comedian.
749
00:27:34,055 --> 00:27:35,830
I just broke my skull
in a fourth place:
750
00:27:35,950 --> 00:27:37,434
the patio!
751
00:27:37,484 --> 00:27:42,034
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