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1
00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:06,673
ARCHER: Yeah, and what do you even
do here, sit on your ass and analyze data?
2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,384
Well, I'm a field agent,
Isaac Newton. I risk my life.
3
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:13,012
So, yeah, I do deserve
the best space in the parking garage.
4
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:16,683
Like it'd kill you to roll 50 feet.
Stupid thing's electric.
5
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:20,061
Archer, I still haven't gotten those
T&E reports you promised me.
6
00:00:20,229 --> 00:00:21,813
Are you sure?
You didn't eat them?
7
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:25,441
Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me,
I've been finding solace in food.
8
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:29,612
Well, keep your chins up,
Cyril. All 11 of them.
9
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:33,241
Cyril's about half a wreck, huh?
Yeah, so why do you pick on him?
10
00:00:33,409 --> 00:00:35,159
I... Oh, was that
not rhetorical?
11
00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:39,372
And why are you bleaching everything?
Ugh! Because it sneezed out here.
12
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:43,042
Okay, is Mother in?
Oh, she's in there, all right.
13
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,711
And they're expecting you.
14
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,295
Thanks, crazy. I...
15
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,631
Wait, who's they?
WOMAN: Hello, Archer.
16
00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,091
Trinette.
Why are you here?
17
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,720
You don't call me for a year
and that's how you talk to me?
18
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,638
Yes, dear, where are your manners?
19
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:58,474
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess
I skipped the Emily Post chapter...
20
00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:00,893
...about how to introduce
your mother to a hooker.
21
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,146
Escort, you puke.
And I'm retired.
22
00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:05,022
Yeah? Your 401 (k)
Doing that well?
23
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,066
I have a SEP, smartass.
You have a SEP?
24
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:10,653
Oh, and this. So I ain't
worried about getting by.
25
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:13,573
Why is this a subpoena?
It's for the paternity test.
26
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,950
The what?
Yes, the what, dear.
27
00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:17,994
ARCHER: Wha...?
And the who.
28
00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:19,245
What who? Who is that?
29
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:24,417
Why, this is Seamus McGoon Ster...
No, Seamus Sterling McGoon Archer.
30
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,837
Why is that who named like me?
TRINETTE: Why do you think?
31
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:31,299
I'm asking you why.
Because he's your son.
32
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:34,427
You colossal ******* idiot.
33
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:35,845
[BABY COOS]
34
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:12,673
MALORY:
Why?
35
00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:15,885
Why didn't you just get a
vasectomy like I asked you to?
36
00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,386
I thought it would hurt.
37
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:20,389
And this doesn't?
Well, in a... It's apples and oranges.
38
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,183
I'm not ready to be a grandmother.
39
00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,935
Really? But you're so...
40
00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:26,229
Grandmotherly?
No. Old.
41
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,731
If and when I am ready for a grandchild...
42
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:32,527
...it won't be the potato-faced spawn
of some Irish whore.
43
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:35,238
It's probably not.
Seriously, what's the odds on that?
44
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,198
So she had a lot of...?
You kidding?
45
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,075
I used to have to book her
weeks in advance.
46
00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:40,243
Ugh.
Although...
47
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,870
Although what?
Um...
48
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:44,038
ARCHER:
Phew. Wow.
49
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,541
Trinette, that was amazing.
Yeah, well, you know...
50
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:50,169
Wai... Wha...? Wait a minute. You liar.
51
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:53,923
This ain't a condom wrapper,
it's from a fricking candy bar.
52
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:58,344
So? Sometimes I like to treat myself.
Well, sometimes I like to ovulate.
53
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,847
Well, I gotta sleep,
so do it somewhere else.
54
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,348
Money's on the dresser.
55
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,600
Nothing. Hundred-to-one he's mine.
56
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:06,018
Well, he better not be.
57
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,272
I couldn't bear the shame
it would bring on this family to have...
58
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,691
No, please, Mother, finish that thought.
59
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:14,443
I...
Oh, my God, you are such a hypocrite.
60
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:19,198
You were gonna say "illegitimate child."
No, I was going to say "bastard."
61
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:22,326
Ouch. I mean
that's gotta hurt, huh?
62
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,121
Why should I care if Archer
knocked up some hooker?
63
00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:27,957
Because babies are soft-skulled,
fat little germ sacks...
64
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,960
...and now we've all been
exposed to that one's bacteria.
65
00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,670
Wait, what?
Don't engage her.
66
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:33,880
But come on, Lana.
67
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:37,425
You dated Mr. Archer forever.
And you have nothing to show for it.
68
00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:39,969
Paging Dr. Loggins.
Couple things.
69
00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:42,847
One, I don't need a baby
to validate my existence.
70
00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:47,935
And two, the absolute last person on Earth
I'd have a baby with is Archer...
71
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:49,937
...because he is not sold
separately.
72
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:52,148
Did you tr...? Did you try...?
73
00:03:52,316 --> 00:03:55,985
Yeah, I'll come over, Mother,
just give me 20 minutes.
74
00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:57,278
[GROANS]
75
00:03:57,446 --> 00:04:00,239
Well, I'm sorry, Lana, but I didn't
invent the childproof pill bottle.
76
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:01,949
As far as Archer's concerned...
77
00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,785
...I feel I dodged
the world's most dysfunctional bullet.
78
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:07,204
Yeah, but Cyril was...
Oh, wait.
79
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,790
Did he have some
sort of character flaw?
80
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,335
Hello. Hello. Hello.
81
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,504
Couple things.
82
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,048
CHERYL:
Bring it!
83
00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:18,257
[YELLING
AND GRUNTING]
84
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:21,844
Yeah, we are code blue here.
Hey, yeah, blue. Like for baby boys.
85
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,971
No, I meant like for her face.
CHERYL: Choke me.
86
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:28,267
No, like for let's have a baby shower
for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.
87
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:31,771
Oh, my God, yes, but your place is
disgusting so where can we have it?
88
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,690
Well, Archer's got that banging pad.
CHERYL: Yow!
89
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,401
Oh, he'll hate that.
I wanna come.
90
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:40,571
CHERYL:
Ohh, I think I just did.
91
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,865
MAN:
And so thank you both for coming...
92
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:46,160
...even though Mr. Archer is the
only party named in the subpoena.
93
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:49,872
Well, we both have a vested interest
in the outcome of this silly test.
94
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,668
And said test will, obviously,
be administered by a third party, so...
95
00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:57,213
A third party? But we have
a state-of-the-art laboratory at ISIS.
96
00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:03,469
Normally I wouldn't let an intern
do this on his first day, but...
97
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,179
Chet?
98
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:06,889
How's it hanging, buddy?
99
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:11,060
I'm sure you do. But our client has concerns
about the integrity of the test results...
100
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,354
...given your agency's, uh...
101
00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:15,106
...clandestine nature.
102
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:19,527
Oh, and by the way, super crazy
about the elevator pretending it's a dryer.
103
00:05:19,695 --> 00:05:20,736
Barry?
104
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:24,615
But all kidding aside, ODIN will be
providing security for the paternity test.
105
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,242
ODIN?
Oh, yeah.
106
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,868
Hello, Archer.
Barry.
107
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:31,205
How's it hanging, buddy?
Hanging great, Barry. How's the leg?
108
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,415
Barry, does it hurt?
109
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,916
[CAR ALARM WAILING]
110
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,919
Because it looks like
it kind of hurts.
111
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:39,046
It did hurt. And it still does, so...
112
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:41,590
So how can Trinette afford ODIN?
Barry.
113
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:42,758
This is pro-bono.
114
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,219
Consider it payback
for my shattered femur.
115
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:47,430
And that reminds me. Dr. Ben?
116
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,890
What the...? Hey!
MALORY: What the hell is this?
117
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,476
We take a blood sample from Archer.
Blood?
118
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:55,604
My God, what year is this?
I know, right?
119
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,523
Why can't you just take a DNA swab?
120
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,234
A blood sample is enough
to determine paternity.
121
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,111
And after we take a liter...
A liter?
122
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,156
How much is a...?
Archer will be left in a weakened state...
123
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:08,159
...which should prevent his attempting
to compromise the test.
124
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:10,453
Turtlenecks. I invented the turtleneck.
MALORY: Look.
125
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,456
You're bleeding him dry.
Seriously, how much is a liter?
126
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:15,207
About eight gills.
What's a gill?
127
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,876
You're just talking in circles.
128
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,961
Thanks, Dr. Ben. Next.
What's a gill?
129
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:23,632
BARRY: Under ODIN guard, the sample
is taken to the vault of First Savings Bank.
130
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,801
I don't know why I told you
where. It doesn't matter.
131
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,970
What's a gill?
The bank will be surrounded...
132
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,138
...by ODIN agents.
133
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,390
Merely an added precaution...
ARCHER: Is that metric?
134
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:35,519
BARRY: As the vault is basically
one big shit storm of anti-intrusion devices.
135
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:40,441
Tomorrow, in full view of both parties,
we will test the sample here...
136
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:43,152
...along with a blood sample
from the wee baby Seamus...
137
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,655
...thus ensuring complete accuracy
of the paternity test.
138
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,908
Any questions?
Yeah, Barry.
139
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,327
I'm still unclear on the liter thing.
140
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:55,206
Vis-?-vis a unit of volume.
141
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,002
[ARCHER GROANS]
142
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,004
ARCHER:
I seriously don't feel good at all.
143
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:05,382
That's because those ODIN ghouls
drained a fifth of your blood.
144
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:08,219
Speaking of fifth...
A drink's the last thing you need.
145
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,096
Well, you might want one too...
146
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,723
...because pretty decent chance
the baby's mine.
147
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,058
What?
Ow!
148
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,810
What happened to 100-to-1?
149
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:19,146
I may have massaged
that number a little so...
150
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,273
How could I show my face
around town if...?
151
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,359
Trudy Beekman will eat me alive for this.
152
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:24,568
Decent chance.
153
00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:28,155
And I can just forget all about
getting on the board of the Met.
154
00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,324
The museum or the opera?
Either!
155
00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:35,871
Sterling Malory Archer, you are
going to break into that vault...
156
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:39,208
...and replace your blood
with someone else's.
157
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:41,001
Someone else's blood. Yeah, great.
158
00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:43,712
I'll just have lgor bring a villager
up to my castle.
159
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,215
Uh, lgor.
Yes?
160
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,342
Oh, evening, sir.
Hello, mum.
161
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:51,887
ARCHER: Woodhouse, what the hell is this?
It's a baby shower.
162
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:53,722
What's it look like,
you puke?
163
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:56,308
Ugh. I think
I could use a drink.
164
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,352
Sterling,
pick a villager.
165
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,230
Why did you let them in my house?
Well...
166
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,607
Because I told you to buy
lemon curd, Woodhouse.
167
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:06,110
Now what am I gonna spread
on my toast?
168
00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:07,528
Your tears?
169
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,573
They just sort of barged in, sir.
170
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,534
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And why are you barefoot?
171
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:17,413
Oh, you guys are so sweet.
I made that.
172
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:21,083
It was gonna be a ham cozy,
but then I was like, eh.
173
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:23,586
So...
Well, he can use it as a blankie.
174
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:26,422
Ew. What is this,
homemade salad dressing?
175
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,048
Breast milk.
Ew!
176
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,092
I actually, uh,
have my own.
177
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,219
So you won't need this.
178
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:37,266
Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags.
Oh, and a book about SIDS.
179
00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:39,602
What kind of
shit gift is that?
180
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:40,853
Yeah, right?
181
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,230
I made mine.
KRIEGER: Me too!
182
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:44,440
That's disgusting.
183
00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:46,525
If I wanted to look at your bare feet...
184
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,028
...I'd sneak in while you're asleep.
KRIEGER: Me too!
185
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,905
Well? Have you
picked out a donor?
186
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:54,575
I don't know if it's the blood loss or what,
but this whole thing feels...
187
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:58,162
Pretty stupid, Archer. Getting
a hooker pregnant? Yikes.
188
00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,247
Cyril, you're...
Oh, sorry, Ms. Archer.
189
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:02,875
I'm sure the board at the Met
will frown on this.
190
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,211
I'm sure I don't care for your tone.
191
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:11,300
Well, I don't care to be judged by
a couple of lousy hooker-baby havers.
192
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,135
You were saying?
You get him drunk.
193
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,387
I'll go to the drugstore
and get supplies.
194
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,847
You said I could hold him.
195
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,350
You've been holding him
and you've been drinking...
196
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,435
...and your hands are
so damn big.
197
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,646
I don't want you to crush him.
I'm gentle.
198
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,106
Lana.
Give her the rabbit, Lennie.
199
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,441
But...
TRINETTE: Okay, thank you.
200
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:31,946
Whoa! Somebody's got a full diaper, huh?
KRIEGER: Me too!
201
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:34,949
And after that falafel,
I am right behind him.
202
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,200
Did you see me?
Yeah.
203
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:39,536
Holding the baby?
Looked like Tyson holding that dove.
204
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,664
Hey, listen, bitch...
Dah! Careful.
205
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,332
Because in about three drinks...
206
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,627
...you're gonna get all boohooey
and ask me to pump a baby in you.
207
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,338
You watch.
No, you guys should totally do that.
208
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,799
The mochaccino ones are the cutest.
209
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:54,176
Guess he'd be half-gay, too, though.
210
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:57,096
So can you say best dancer ever?
211
00:09:57,264 --> 00:10:00,182
No. Thank you,
but I don't care for any.
212
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,143
Cyril, it's a toast, don't be rude.
No.
213
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:08,148
Alcohol tends to exacerbate an
underlying personality disorder.
214
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,693
Sexual addiction's not a real thing,
asshole.
215
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:14,113
Well, just wait till the new DSM comes out.
Then we'll see.
216
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,240
We'll see you still being
an asshole.
217
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:18,867
So have you ever thought about
having a baby?
218
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:23,122
I don't know, sometimes I think,
you know, I'd like to adopt a little baby.
219
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,958
So I could abandon it at a mall.
220
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:29,378
That answers my
follow-up question.
221
00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:31,880
Cyril, you're insulting me. Toast.
I...
222
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,924
And what's there to toast
about, anyway?
223
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:38,345
Ha, ha. How about that upper decker
I just left in the master bath?
224
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:39,722
[SHUDDERS]
225
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:42,683
Come on, Ray.
Sploosh. Called it three drinks ago.
226
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:45,519
Come on, we both have amazing genes.
What did I say?
227
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:49,023
Nobody... I'm... We're not...
I'm not arguing that we're both hot, but...
228
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,568
Ray, you can do it. And I can watch.
229
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,611
The door. Like a lookout.
230
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:58,324
So nobody sees you doing the dirt.
231
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:01,076
Oh, and here's to child support.
232
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,661
I'll see you around, Cyril.
233
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,748
And I'll see you
at the lawyer's office, granny.
234
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:06,957
[TRINETTE BELCHES]
235
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:08,334
Toast, damn you.
No.
236
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,336
Toast.
Jeezy petes, with you people.
237
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,171
Well, at least
I'm not a sex addict.
238
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:15,132
And cue the collective sigh of relief.
Oh, shut up.
239
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:19,261
Hey, I just ran all the way to
the drugstore a liter low on blood...
240
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,389
...so I am in no mood, Mother.
Oh, and I am?
241
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:25,100
Cyril won't drink, so we'll
have to find another way to...
242
00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:26,268
[GASPS]
243
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:27,978
Woodhouse, dear.
Yes, mum.
244
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,230
I assume you're holding?
Holding?
245
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:34,443
Why, just this tray of...
Don't bullshit me, you old dope fiend.
246
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,570
After that scrape
I got you out of?
247
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:39,782
Let's liven things up, Burroughs.
248
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:44,536
Five grams of junk says I can shoot
a pi?a colada off your wife's head.
249
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:49,083
A hundred thousand pesos in bribes,
and my stomach's never been the same.
250
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,626
I shall fetch my gear.
251
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,795
What the hell was that?
Who knows?
252
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,881
I didn't have a sip of water
the entire time I was down there.
253
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,466
No.
Maybe it was an ice cube.
254
00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:59,301
Woodhouse. He's a heroin addict?
255
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,304
Oh, listen to you, Mr. Judgy.
What?
256
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:06,600
Now, go lure Cyril into the bathroom
so we can drain his stupid blood.
257
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:11,230
Cyril, you are not to blame, you are
merely a victim of sexual addiction.
258
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,649
Cyril, you are...
Preaching to the choir, buddy.
259
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,819
And what's that supposed to mean?
It means I understand, Cyril.
260
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,571
Because I, too,
suffer from sexual addiction.
261
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:23,492
Oh, you're just a dirty stomp-around.
Yeah, that's what society calls it.
262
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:27,371
But you know how it is to be surrounded...
By women, yes.
263
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:30,207
Uh-huh.
Prancing around in their stirrup pants.
264
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:33,752
And their crotchless panties.
I didn't even know they had those.
265
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,713
Pretty sexy, picture it.
I have to take care of something.
266
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:41,051
Medicine cabinet, Cyril. Top left.
Big bottle of coconut suntan oil.
267
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:44,888
Man, I sh... I shouldn't be drinking
this low on blood.
268
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:46,765
CYRIL:
What are you...?
269
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,559
What are you doing to me?
Shut up.
270
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:50,102
What's with all this glass?
271
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,855
I brained him with the absinthe bottle.
Why?
272
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:56,442
What was I to do? Say, "Take a load off
while we pump you full of heroin?"
273
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,360
But if he was already knocked out...
I...
274
00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:02,364
Dear God,
that was my entire stash.
275
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:06,368
Gonna be an itchy weekend.
It serves you right, Smacky Brown.
276
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:10,330
God, how are you even still alive?
Holy shit, how am I still alive?
277
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:13,834
Eight gills is way more than I thought.
That's why you're so woozy.
278
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:17,004
Yeah, that, plus all those melon
balls. I had about nine of them.
279
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,423
Why the hell were you drinking?
Uh, hello?
280
00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,925
It's a party.
It's a baby shower...
281
00:13:22,093 --> 00:13:25,846
...for the bastard child
you humped into a filthy whore.
282
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,723
So I'm obviously
not saying now...
283
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,558
...but one of these days...
284
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,645
...you're gonna make
the best grandma ever.
285
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:39,735
ARCHER:
Oh, my God, these ODIN dicks.
286
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:43,238
"Hey, where did you get your
turtleneck? The turtleneck store?"
287
00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,407
[LAUGHS]
288
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:49,536
Wow, I'm definitely missing that blood.
Maybe if I drank some of Cyril's blood I'd...
289
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:53,081
Wait, what am I saying?
I don't even know his blood type.
290
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:58,879
But I do know a liter of melon balls
can't replace a liter of blood...
291
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:03,133
...because I'm kind of drunk for this.
Oh, shit! Nuts.
292
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:10,849
[SIGHS]
293
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,017
Fan...
294
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,393
MAN [ON RINGTONE]:
Mulatto butts
295
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,561
ARCHER:
- Tastic.
296
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,230
What?
LANA: What are you doing?
297
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:18,774
Oh, you know,
just living the dream, Lana.
298
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,400
LANA: Oh, yeah? Yeah?
ARCHER: Yeah. Yeah.
299
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:23,111
I'm going through your stuff.
Why are you in my house?
300
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:26,240
There's still a few stragglers
trying to keep the party going.
301
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:27,866
[SNORING]
302
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,619
Cyril. Hey, you awake?
303
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:34,122
Because this is about
to get weird.
304
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,458
Ants. All over my body.
305
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:41,797
So shut up and help me find the nutmeg,
and I'll make you some Malcolm X tea.
306
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:43,966
And you know what's fricking lame?
307
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:46,343
ARCHER:
Phased plasma laser countermeasures?
308
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:50,222
No, what's lame is that you told me
a jillion times you never wanted kids.
309
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,431
Uh...
310
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:55,060
And I move on with my life,
and then, bam, you drill one into a hooker.
311
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,980
It wasn't exactly planned, Lana.
Okay, shut up, but...
312
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,524
Did you ever think about you and me
having a baby?
313
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:04,319
I mean... Well, maybe that one time,
when we had that little scare.
314
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,863
Wha...?
Is that a fricking candy bar?
315
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,533
Yeah, but think
you need the calories?
316
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:11,827
You're such a prick. I mean, who the...
317
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:13,829
Who dragged out
all this old crap?
318
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:17,624
Why are you and Mother in my room,
going through my things?
319
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,293
Because I'll save you some time.
320
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:25,048
My diary is by the Barbie playhouse
and the key's in a locket on Mr. Teddy.
321
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:27,926
My God, I haven't seen
this junk in...
322
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,679
Look at that, his little baby shoes.
323
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,056
Cannot picture him as a baby.
You know?
324
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,475
I just see an adult him, but tiny.
325
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:39,146
Like a little Archer G.I. Joe.
Mm-hm.
326
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:42,190
Want me to freshen that up?
Try not to drown it.
327
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,026
[GROANS]
328
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,194
Aw. His little christening gown.
329
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,362
[LANA GROANS]
330
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,031
LANA:
Pam, get off Cyril.
331
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:52,367
I was trying to get him off, buttinsky.
Out.
332
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:55,037
Just get straight on out.
Oh, come on.
333
00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:58,665
Cyril came on to me.
Oh, shut up, he's totally passed out.
334
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,960
Really. Hey, Cyril.
335
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,128
[ZIPPER ZIPS]
336
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,713
How's it hanging, buddy?
337
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,507
His first pair of lacrosse cleats.
338
00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:09,676
His first smoking jacket.
339
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:13,513
And oh, my... His first black turtleneck.
340
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:18,226
Can't believe Lana and Mother.
No respect for people's privacy, no...
341
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:19,895
MAN [ON RINGTONE]:
Black-ass mama
342
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,897
[SINGING]
White-ass daddy
343
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,190
Shit's tight, huh?
344
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:24,399
Yo, where you at, mama?
345
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:28,236
And why are you calling me right now?
MALORY: I had to, before it's too late.
346
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,572
What?
I don't want you to do it, Sterling.
347
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,949
What?
I know you didn't plan on this baby...
348
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:36,161
...but, Sterling, sometimes
the unexpected things can turn out...
349
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:40,874
...to be the most important things
in the whole world.
350
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,417
Wow, you sound shitfaced.
351
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,753
Oh, listen to you, Mr. Melon Balls.
352
00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:46,797
And yes, maybe I've had a few.
Really?
353
00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:50,384
Enough to admit that even though
I wasn't always Mother of the Year...
354
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,470
Ha!
...I can change. And you can change.
355
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:57,933
And maybe together we could add up
to one good parent for this baby.
356
00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,769
But I'm, like, right here.
And I'm right here.
357
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,772
For both of you.
Mother, I'm not sure I'm ready.
358
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:06,608
Sterling, no one's ever sure
they're ready for a child.
359
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:11,738
That's why it's so scary,
and that's why it's so special.
360
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:15,325
So please, dear, do the right thing.
361
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:18,954
God, the one time in my life
she acts like a human being, and it's now.
362
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,997
Was it when I wanted a puppy? No.
363
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,583
Was it when I wanted cornrows? No.
364
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,793
But maybe she's right.
365
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:28,046
I mean, the kid's cool,
and I'm obviously awesome.
366
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,716
So maybe I would be a good father.
367
00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:35,137
You know, at some point in the future.
368
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,640
[BABY CRYING]
369
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,267
You're okay, Taterhead.
370
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:43,061
They only took a bit of blood.
Quit being such a baby.
371
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,814
MALORY: Sterling!
You quit being such a baby, you prick.
372
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,941
Shut up. They took a liter from me.
373
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:51,111
And as the 24 hours of
uninterrupted vault footage shows...
374
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,655
Prick.
...said liter was never...
375
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,116
...except for those nine frames
of static there...
376
00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:59,828
...out of sight of ODIN personnel.
We get it. Let's move on, Barry.
377
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,122
And since you all witnessed
the blood sample...
378
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,332
...being taken
from the wee baby Seamus...
379
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,168
I hereby cede any and all rights...
380
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,837
...to ever contest
the results of this paternity test.
381
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:10,464
So move on, Barry.
382
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:14,092
And so said test results conclude...
383
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:17,137
Exciting, isn't it?
Not really, because it's gonna say...
384
00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:19,598
...that Archer is in fact the father.
What?
385
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,850
Wait a minute.
No, no. No, that's...
386
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,353
Probably the most expensive
candy bar you ever ate, you dunce.
387
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,606
No, no, no.
Really super expensive.
388
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:30,066
That's a schedule
for child support payments.
389
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,027
First of the month
works best for us.
390
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,945
Somebody could've broken
in the vault.
391
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,031
Come on, nine frames is...
A glitch.
392
00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:38,658
Because even if somebody
did break into the vault...
393
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,661
...no one, no one, Archer,
could ever prove it.
394
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:43,121
And who would even want to?
395
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,332
Not a handsome blond cripple
like me.
396
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:47,000
Wait a minute!
So kudos, buddy.
397
00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:49,669
Let's go drink some kudos.
Yeah, let's do that.
398
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,922
But...
Clink, clink. Heh, heh, heh.
399
00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:55,717
I don't understand how this happened.
Well, from what I can tell...
400
00:18:55,885 --> 00:19:00,555
...it had something to do with
disgustingly kinky sex and a candy bar.
401
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:04,017
A candy bar!
Mother, I'm not the father, it was...
402
00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:06,895
Cyril, that thing is huge.
403
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:09,397
I mean,
how'd you even get this thing...?
404
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:12,359
You son of a snack-eating-ass bitch.
405
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:16,071
I'm sorry.
How can you cheat on Lana bareback?
406
00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:19,741
I'm a sex addict.
What the...? That's not even a real thing.
407
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,994
And the guilt from sex makes
me binge, then I feel fat...
408
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:28,250
...then I turn to sex to feel attractive again,
then it's just this vicious cycle.
409
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:29,501
Shit-ass.
410
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,212
Don't you see?
The wee baby Seamus is Cyril's.
411
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:35,131
And Barry just wanted to frame me.
You don't fool me.
412
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:37,926
You had the chance to make the switch,
but you couldn't.
413
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,261
No, yes, I could...
414
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:42,806
And I never thought I'd say this,
but, Sterling, you did the right thing.
415
00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:44,599
No, I didn't. I... I...
416
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:48,228
The thing I thought was right,
but not what people think is right.
417
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,938
Maybe you're turning into people.
418
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:53,316
But I don't wanna be people.
And I didn't wanna be a grandmother.
419
00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:56,236
But c'est la vie, dear.
Yeah, and c'est la child support.
420
00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:58,405
Well, just tighten your belt.
My belt?
421
00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:00,574
You said you were here for us.
I am, dear.
422
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,701
But with the economy how it is...
What?
423
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,119
- My money isn't.
424
00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:05,704
Mother, you're in a limousine.
425
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,957
And if I wanted to sit around all day
going nowhere, I'd be a teacher.
426
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:10,125
[ENGINE STARTS]
427
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:11,626
Sorry, dear, I have a fitting.
428
00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:12,961
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
429
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:16,923
Fitting. And that's why people
in this family shouldn't have children.
430
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:20,635
That and a genetic predisposition toward...
WOODHOUSE: Ants!
431
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,597
Wretched horrible ants!
432
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,474
Ants are gonna be the least
of your worries, smackhound.
433
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,310
Running around barefoot like that.
434
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:31,104
"Hello, hookworms. Get in my feet."
435
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:32,314
Or whatever.
436
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:36,985
Some kind of worms will go in your feet.
437
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,522
[English - US - PSDH]
438
00:21:14,572 --> 00:21:19,122
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