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1
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:09,133
So if you want paper towels in there,
you'll just have to supply your own.
2
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:10,593
ARCHER: Are you kidding?
LANA: Come on.
3
00:00:10,761 --> 00:00:13,054
Where do you get paper towels?
And last item.
4
00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:16,891
On a related note,
I have no choice but to cut salaries.
5
00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:18,768
ARCHER: First the towels, now this.
LANA: Come on.
6
00:00:18,936 --> 00:00:20,603
Eight percent, across the board.
7
00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:22,939
Jeez.
And let's just put a lid on it.
8
00:00:23,107 --> 00:00:26,901
Do we have to supply our own lids?
Look, I didn't invent the economy.
9
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:30,780
And until ISIS gets in the black,
we all have to make some sacrifices so...
10
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:31,989
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
11
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,866
CHERYL:
Line one for you. It's your furrier.
12
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,785
LANA:
Unbelievable.
13
00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:40,498
We have to cut back...
But you're buying new horseshoes.
14
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,126
Tell him to send over the gray fox.
15
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,752
See? Sacrifice.
16
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,296
At this rate,
I'll be reduced to wearing nutria.
17
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:49,632
Yeah, and your horse,
with his fancy new shoes.
18
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,135
Oh, for the... That's a farrier.
I know.
19
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:55,388
And this is Conrad Schlotz.
20
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:58,891
Herr Schlotz controls all
of Europe's videotex services.
21
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:02,979
Videotex? Wow, growth industry.
So he's worth billions.
22
00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:05,690
And I want to convince him
to invest in ISIS.
23
00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:07,483
Well, that's gonna be
a tough sell.
24
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:08,693
[GROANS]
25
00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:12,822
Ahem. We've posted losses
for 15 straight quarters so...
26
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:16,159
That's why you're going to cook up
a different set of books, Cyril.
27
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:19,078
Oh, no, I'm not comfortable with that.
No?
28
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:23,082
Think you'd be more comfortable
on another little vacation upstate?
29
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:26,794
No, I was dating Lana,
but since I suffer from sexual addiction...
30
00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:30,047
...which these quacks deny is even real,
now they're treating me for...
31
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:34,927
Can somebody please
shut up that damn coyote?!
32
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,345
Clormatrazapam?
33
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,431
No. No, I would not.
34
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,851
So unless you want me to send you back...
I will start cooking the books.
35
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,270
Good thing you know how to cheat. What?
Hey.
36
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:47,648
Enough. Now, then,
this is a two-prong operation.
37
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:52,028
The books are prong one
while prong two is El Frente Rojo.
38
00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:54,530
Derby Day wore that exact same hat.
Shock.
39
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:57,158
Herr Schlotz fears
they may attempt a kidnapping...
40
00:01:57,326 --> 00:02:00,536
...during a birthday party he's
throwing this weekend in Gstaad.
41
00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:01,996
Ach, Gstaad.
Gstaad?
42
00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:04,165
Oh, yeah, count me in.
Yeah, and me out.
43
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:06,959
I'm not getting frostbite
protecting some old German guy.
44
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:11,047
Herr Schlotz isn't the intended
victim. It's his daughter, Anka.
45
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:13,549
ARCHER: Who obviously needs someone
on her constantly.
46
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:17,220
So I will be that someone
who is constantly on her.
47
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,721
Oh, please.
Tongue back in.
48
00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:21,557
For God's sake,
Sterling, she's turning 17.
49
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,810
Oh. Ew. Sorry.
Even for you, Archer.
50
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,395
Come on. She doesn't look
like she's just turning 17.
51
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,481
No, she looks like
she's just turning 18.
52
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:31,609
Exactly. Plus Europeans
use the metric system...
53
00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:36,656
Sterling Malory Archer, you will not touch
a single hair on that girl.
54
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:40,201
Uh... See? How I let that just go by?
55
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:41,828
Look at me.
56
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,913
I am the perfect gentleman.
57
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,869
ARCHER:
No. This is completely unacceptable.
58
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,789
I mean, cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot
expect me to share a room with Ray.
59
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,291
Oh, I'll be gentle.
60
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,626
Mother, you know
what he's implying, right?
61
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:34,463
Stop whining. We're all making do.
Why, I'm sharing a room with Lana.
62
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:37,008
Hooray.
And Pam's sleeping in the cellar.
63
00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:40,136
Yeah, and if money's so damn
tight, why is she even here?
64
00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:42,555
She's making me mule back
a bunch of this crap.
65
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,182
That crap is $300 a bottle...
66
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:48,144
...and you can't get it in America,
so not another sip.
67
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:51,397
The rest of you, make room in
your luggage for 10 liters apiece.
68
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,149
Unbelievable.
I know.
69
00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:55,401
What kind of limit is that?
70
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:58,321
Good, you are here,
Frau Archer.
71
00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:02,116
Ha, ha. It's Fr?ulein Archer.
She added desperately.
72
00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:05,161
And these are my top agents, who
are ready to lay down their lives...
73
00:04:05,329 --> 00:04:06,787
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER HEADPHONES]
74
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:09,332
...to protect your, um,
lovely daughter.
75
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,292
Let's hope
it doesn't come to that.
76
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,002
Ja, but if it does...
77
00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:16,297
Let's hope not.
...you must protect mein princess.
78
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:20,092
Anka is all I have in the world
since her mother passed away.
79
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,678
Oh, you poor thing.
You're a widower?
80
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,305
Oh, like you didn't...
Know!
81
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:25,806
No. No.
82
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,309
What is wrong with you?
Did no one just see that?
83
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:29,518
Jumpy, eh?
84
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:33,522
Surely El Frente does not frighten
the famous Sterling Archer.
85
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:34,690
No, she does.
86
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,568
My Anka? What do you mean?
Oh, right.
87
00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:40,154
Herr Archer glaubt Anka
is dirty sexy.
88
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:44,200
What?
She is only 16, you schwein.
89
00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:45,534
No, I know. I'm not...
90
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,203
Not to come near her again.
91
00:04:47,371 --> 00:04:49,956
Come on.
And the rest of you, get to work.
92
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,958
Come, Anka.
Uh...
93
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:57,421
Well, I hope you're happy.
No, I'm not, Mother. I just got fingered.
94
00:04:57,589 --> 00:05:01,133
Ugh! Now,
that is just... Ew!
95
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,844
Thanks a lot, Bitch and Sundance.
BOTH: What?
96
00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:07,556
What what? Didn't you see that?
I saw you totally eye-bang a teenager.
97
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,642
No, you didn't, because I wasn't.
98
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,228
Whatever.
Go wash up, dirty bird.
99
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,981
I wasn't eye-banging her.
Man, I was.
100
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:18,567
Ugh.
What? Jeez, I'm only human.
101
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:20,695
Are you?
102
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:21,904
[BURPS]
103
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,573
CARLOS: That stinks.
So don't smell it.
104
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:25,908
Don't smell it.
105
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,869
Another perfect example
of your reductive reasoning.
106
00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:30,121
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
107
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,956
[SIA SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
108
00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:33,541
He started it.
He started it.
109
00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:37,044
Can't I leave you two alone
for even one hour without you going at it?
110
00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:39,755
I should have asked myself
the same thing about you two.
111
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:43,050
Meaning what?
Meaning you left me for my brother.
112
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:44,260
Your twin brother.
113
00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:47,930
So obviously,
I still find you very attractive, baby.
114
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:50,182
And I have good news.
115
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,351
Even though Sterling Archer
is here in Gstaad...
116
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:53,561
Archer?
Archer?
117
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:54,770
[TWINS SPEAK IN SPANISH]
118
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:58,190
It won't be a problem
to kidnap that bourgeois perrita.
119
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,484
Her father has forbidden Archer
to go near her.
120
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:04,155
So we go with my plan.
Your plan stinks more than that cheese.
121
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:06,532
I think that smell is them.
122
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,869
But even they smell better
than your stupid plan.
123
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,621
We go with my plan.
Fine.
124
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:15,708
You don't want the world's greatest
secret agent on the case? Fine.
125
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,961
You want little Countess von Fingerbang
to get kidnapped? Fine.
126
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:20,129
[DOOR OPENS]
127
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:21,464
Oh, and as for you, Ray...
128
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:22,715
[DOOR CLOSES]
129
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,217
...Sterling Archer may be many things,
but he's not...
130
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,805
Fine?
Oh, I think he is very fine.
131
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:32,349
No, no, Anka, you can't be in here.
Anka?
132
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,643
Mr. Archer, how familiar.
133
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,479
You must address me by title:
134
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,564
Countess von Fingerbang.
135
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:41,650
No. Come on, Anka, seriously.
You seriously gotta get out of here before...
136
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:42,818
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
137
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:44,278
Shit. Before the cops show up.
138
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:46,989
Or, wait, what do you have
in Switzerland? Pikemen?
139
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:52,119
I don't know. I am from Germany,
where the age of consent is 14.
140
00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:54,121
What is it, the Alabama of Europe?
141
00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:57,625
In many ways, yes,
but we can talk about that in bed.
142
00:06:57,793 --> 00:07:00,002
No, we can't.
Seriously, you have to...
143
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,921
Hand over the girl, cochino.
144
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,172
[ANKA SCREAMING]
145
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:06,008
And that is just it for today
on people calling me a freaking pig.
146
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,844
[JAVI SCREAMING]
147
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:10,596
[SCREAMING]
148
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,558
Holy shit. Did you see that?
149
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:16,685
I saw you save my life.
No, I...
150
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,730
Well, maybe a little, but...
And I know just how to repay you.
151
00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:21,816
ARCHER:
Wait. No, no, Anka. Bad touch.
152
00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:23,943
Bad touch.
SCHLOTZ: You schwein.
153
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,444
[ANKA GASPS]
154
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:29,824
So does this look as bad as it looks?
I will let the gendarmes decide that.
155
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,035
So they're not pikemen. Wait, Anka,
tell your father what happened.
156
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:34,870
Papa, he lured me.
What?
157
00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:38,457
Then he tried to touch me with his Wilhelm.
What? No, I...
158
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,544
I saved her life.
I set a kidnapper on fire.
159
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,879
Tell it to the gendarmes, schwein.
160
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:47,341
Oh, come on, did you not see that?
161
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,301
Sterling, you promised.
162
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:50,719
And yet here you stand...
163
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,556
...as a fortune walks away,
with your wedding tackle...
164
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,183
...stuffed into your shaving kit.
165
00:07:56,351 --> 00:08:00,020
"Schwein" doesn't even touch it.
Yeah? Well, neither did I, Mother.
166
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:03,899
I saved her life.
Go ask that dick I set on fire.
167
00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:07,528
And speaking of,
that bay rum really burns on the... Oh!
168
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,489
Hello, razor. Welcome to the party.
169
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,074
[SIGHS]
170
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,702
**** you, Switzerland.
171
00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:21,542
MALORY: You're damn lucky Anka
convinced her father not to press charges.
172
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:25,421
Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually
assaulted by a teenage sociopath...
173
00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:27,423
...interrogated by gendarmes.
174
00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:31,218
Oh. Three stitches in my penis.
So, yep, it's all breaking my way.
175
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:32,636
Just stay out of my way.
176
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:36,515
I have to convince Schlotz
to get in bed with ISIS...
177
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,642
...and failing that, in bed with...
178
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,936
Don't say it.
I'm in enough pain.
179
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:44,732
Yeah, the entire hotel's talking
about your little shaving accident.
180
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,234
And if you wanna get Schlotz into you...
Phrasing.
181
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:50,237
...you better start eating strudel.
Major chubby chaser.
182
00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,865
Well, a lot of that's muscle.
Let's hope not.
183
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,868
Because you get strong arms
growing up on a dairy farm.
184
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,580
A dairy farm?
Yes, it was called Butterfat Ranch.
185
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:01,498
No, it...
They had a big cheese rodeo.
186
00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:05,628
It was Poovey Farms.
I also was raised on a dairy farm.
187
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,047
You're shitting me.
What was your breed?
188
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,633
Friesians.
We had Holsteins.
189
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,635
Jeez, they're like... Wow.
Cousins.
190
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:13,802
[CHUCKLING]
191
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,972
Man, all this cow talk's making
me thirsty for some milk.
192
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:20,809
And as luck has it,
there is some chilling in mein suite.
193
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,229
Well, let's get some.
194
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,814
Don't wait up.
Ugh.
195
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,567
Ugh. That is so classic her.
196
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,737
Chasing a billionaire while we
could be surrounded by terrorists.
197
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,240
We don't know what they look like.
Spoiler alert.
198
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,575
One doesn't have skin on his face.
Meaning?
199
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,077
Meaning I set one on fire?
200
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:41,747
Was that before or after you
got caught fondling a teenager?
201
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:46,001
Well, obviously before. After was
all gendarmes and dick stitches.
202
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:47,294
[GROANS]
203
00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:50,589
And I didn't touch her, Lana,
so there's no reason to be jealous.
204
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:51,799
LANA:
Whatever.
205
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:53,759
ANKA: How is your Wilhelm?
Aah!
206
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:57,513
Should I kiss it and make it better?
No, you should get away from me.
207
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,306
Look, I'm serious.
You need help.
208
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,850
You need help, Archer.
She came up to me.
209
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,602
Ray, what is a...?
210
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:06,313
What did you call it? "Blow job"?
What?
211
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,816
Shame on you. Fie and shame.
I didn't...
212
00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:12,194
And it's something a grown-up does
when he loves another grown-up.
213
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,572
Now, raus, you mouse.
Get ready for our ski lesson.
214
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,450
She's giving you a ski lesson?
No, I'm giving her one.
215
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:22,538
Oh, yeah, right. I forgot you won the
Olympic gold medal in men's downhill.
216
00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:27,042
Well, ass, it was Giant Slalom
and I only took bronze.
217
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,252
So...
So.
218
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:30,754
...you lost.
I came in third.
219
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:32,214
Yeah, which is last.
220
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,757
Which is third...
Last.
221
00:10:33,925 --> 00:10:36,552
...in the world, so...
You lost, Ray.
222
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,053
Jesus, get over it.
223
00:10:38,221 --> 00:10:39,638
[SIGHS]
224
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,891
It actually was
a huge disappointment.
225
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:45,311
I trained so hard and so long.
226
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:49,398
Months of preparation ruined.
How could you be so stupid?
227
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:50,733
[JAVI COUGHING AND GROANING]
228
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,737
Carlito, he obviously did
not mean to get set on fire.
229
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:59,408
We should've gone with my plan,
which was superior in every way.
230
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,577
So, then, now we do your plan.
231
00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:05,039
My plan requires three people.
Three people who have faces!
232
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:06,248
[JAVI GROANING]
233
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:07,416
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
234
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,793
Now I must call headquarters
for reinforcements.
235
00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:11,920
Good idea, mi amor.
236
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:16,300
You are so clever and sexy.
237
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,677
[JAVI SCREAMING]
238
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,220
That sounds like Schlotz, but...
239
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,430
[GASPS]
240
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,223
Oh, my God, Pam must be getting naked.
241
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:26,101
All these idiots think about is sex.
242
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:27,978
It's called nymphomania.
Ugh.
243
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,189
Maybe mixed with borderline
personality disorder?
244
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,691
I don't know,
I'm not a developmental psychologist.
245
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,651
Archer, I'm serious.
I'm serious.
246
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,278
That girl's a nightmare.
No.
247
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:39,448
A nightmare is sharing a room
with your mother, who expects me...
248
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:42,242
Loofah, I know.
...to protect some Eurotrash brat...
249
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:45,746
...who's got a jillion guests coming
to her birthday party tomorrow.
250
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:48,248
Yeah. Think they're gonna
have a band or just a DJ?
251
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,793
Why don't you go find out?
No, I can't be alone.
252
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,004
That's when she strikes,
like a slutty little ninja.
253
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,339
Ooh, is that Schlotz and Pam?
254
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,800
And are they drinking anti-freeze?
Let's hope.
255
00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,468
Ugh. Change it before I puke my...
256
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:02,388
Holy shit. Lana, look.
That's the kidnapper I set on fire.
257
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:06,392
LANA: That guy? Who's never been on fire?
He was, though. Lana, I swear.
258
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:07,768
You swear?
Lana, I...
259
00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:10,813
Just like you swore about a 90-pound
schoolgirl raping you?
260
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:15,359
Attempted rape, Lana, and that guy
was running around like Johnny Storm.
261
00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:18,070
A.k.a. The Human Torch, Lana?
Duh.
262
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,988
And if you don't believe me, fine.
263
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,324
LANA: Hey.
I'll take care of it myself. Ow!
264
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:26,286
Oh, great, yeah. Go terrorize the bellhop.
265
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,622
Good thing that clip was empty. Oh, shit.
266
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,125
God, I hate it
when he's right.
267
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:35,087
Now he gets to be the big hero who...
Has no bullets.
268
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,965
Going against an unknown number
of radical terrorists...
269
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,967
...armed with automatic weapons.
270
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:41,385
So that's gonna...
271
00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:43,470
Mah! Damn it.
272
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:45,097
MALORY:
Herr Schlotz.
273
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,349
Herr Schlotz, are you in there?
274
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:49,601
I need to ask you a tiny...
275
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,604
Mein God, woman.
Can't you not read?
276
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:56,692
Not without my glasses. I was hoping
you could read this to me...
277
00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:58,944
...in your suite, over a drink?
278
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,779
Yeah, come on in.
279
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,449
Just making a fresh batch
of Green Russians.
280
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,284
[SIGHS]
281
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,453
Oh, ow, ow, ow.
282
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,830
First thing when I get back,
buying an electric razor.
283
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,374
ANKA: That's no fun.
Oh, for ****'s sake.
284
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:16,712
Then you don't get to squirt
that hot white cream all over your face.
285
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,131
Why aren't you with Gillette?
Heh, heh.
286
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:23,552
As the ski lift was coming, at the
last minute, I jumped out of the way.
287
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,097
Dukes, I am gonna be in huge trouble.
288
00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:28,599
[SKI LIFT SHUTS OFF]
289
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,061
Right after I freeze to death.
Double dukes.
290
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,855
Oh, great, they cut the power.
291
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,565
How romantic.
292
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:37,733
Yeah, it is.
293
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:38,984
[SIGHS]
294
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:42,446
No, not romantic. Dangerous.
Because it's gonna be dark soon so...
295
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:45,908
So before it's too dark, let me
ask your opinion on something.
296
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:48,702
What, you...
Re-zip, re-zip, re-zip!
297
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:51,830
Do you think I need a boob job?
298
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:53,499
Honestly?
Ah...
299
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,668
I'm kidding. Anka, come on.
You're gonna be a beautiful woman.
300
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,003
Really?
Yes, really.
301
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,923
And literally, the minute you
turn 18, please call me, but...
302
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,424
CARLOS:
Save your minutes.
303
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:06,386
Because tonight, Sterling Archer dies.
Ha. Oh, yeah?
304
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:07,971
[GUN CLICKING EMPTY]
305
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,181
Oh, no.
306
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,432
[ANKA SCREAMING]
307
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,435
Don't shoot the girl!
We need her!
308
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:15,521
Archer, you must save me.
309
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,940
You got any ideas, Anka?
Because I'm all ears.
310
00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:19,900
Well, why don't we take that?
311
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:23,904
ARCHER:
Well, obviously, we're gonna take that.
312
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,072
[GUNFIRE]
313
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,281
ARCHER:
Come on.
314
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,785
Archer, we are safe now, ja?
315
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:32,246
Well, it's a little early to say.
316
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,706
[GASPS]
317
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,584
But I really kind of doubt it.
318
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:45,634
I mean, I'm sure I've been
in worse situations.
319
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,428
But right now,
I'm kind of drawing a blank.
320
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,430
Hang on.
321
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,641
[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]
322
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:55,811
What the hell's all that,
you reckon?
323
00:14:55,979 --> 00:15:02,484
Immigrants. Cramming their lowriders
full of free health care and snow.
324
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,155
[GUNFIRE]
325
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,910
We should go to the gendarmes.
Yeah, if you weren't topless.
326
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,871
Oh, and hadn't accused me
of molesting you.
327
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:18,542
Are you going to throw that
in my face the rest of my life?
328
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:21,169
Yeah, all four minutes of it.
329
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,673
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
330
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:28,760
The girl is worth millions.
Be careful where you're shooting.
331
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:33,015
Ooh! Pink Floyd show.
332
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,182
[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]
333
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,893
Oh. Man, I'm gonna be in trouble.
334
00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:38,353
Triple dukes.
335
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:41,898
Where are we going?
The forest.
336
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:45,611
They'll have to split up, then we can
take them out one or two at a time.
337
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,821
You would fight them?
Are you insane?
338
00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:50,073
No, just incredibly pissed off.
339
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:53,368
Unh! You can't believe what this
is doing to my stitches.
340
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:59,458
Okay, I need you to do exactly
what I tell you when I tell you without...
341
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,126
We should go to the gendarmes.
342
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,669
Can I finish?
Fine.
343
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:04,671
Questions.
About what?
344
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:07,174
What? No, that was me finishing.
345
00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,801
Oh, mein God.
Now shut up and hang on.
346
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:12,679
[SCREAMS]
347
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:14,723
ARCHER:
Hey, that's right in my ear, so...
348
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:15,932
[ANKA SCREAMS]
349
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,934
So you can't do it every time.
350
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,394
[ANKA SCREAMS]
351
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:22,397
I swear, Anka,
if I have to pull this snowmobile over...
352
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:25,484
I'm sorry. I'm not used to
such awful things.
353
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,027
Yeah, I bet.
Meaning what?
354
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:30,405
Meaning you're a spoiled,
rich, little lying brat who...
355
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:34,576
You want lies? Wait until I tell everyone
you seduced me.
356
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,370
Okay, that's it.
357
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,664
Wait. Why are you slowing down?
358
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,582
Take it back.
Go, go, go.
359
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:43,543
Take it back.
Fine, I take it back.
360
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:44,753
God.
361
00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:46,088
[SCREAMS]
362
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:47,589
[ARCHER GROANS]
363
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:53,470
Mein God.
I know, right?
364
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,055
Totally McQueen.
365
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:58,350
Probably won't fall for it again, though.
Man, I need a gun.
366
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,060
You think you can drive this thing...?
367
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:01,478
[ARCHER & ANKA SCREAM]
368
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,605
ANKA: Probably better than you.
Yeah?
369
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:06,191
Did you come in first
the same weekend I attended...
370
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,568
...the Lars Larsen
Snowmobiling Experience?
371
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:11,697
What?
Because I came in second, smartass.
372
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,950
ANKA: Out of how many, two?
Will you just shut up and drive?
373
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,619
How do I do it?
Right hand, take the throttle.
374
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,538
ANKA:
Like this?
375
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,791
No, you gotta twist it.
I am twisting it.
376
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:24,793
No, you got... Hang on a second.
377
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:28,296
You gotta twist it, like this.
378
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,257
[SCREAMS]
379
00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:34,636
You gotta go faster, Anka.
Faster? I'm freezing to death already.
380
00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:39,224
Should've thought of that before you took
your clothes off. Seriously, would you go?
381
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,976
ANKA:
I'm doing it like you said.
382
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:44,563
Grip it hard as you can
and twist the absolute shit out of it.
383
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:48,817
Oh, I get it,
just like men love it on their Wilhelm.
384
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,361
No, we... Oh, my God.
385
00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:53,655
You've never even seen a Wilhelm.
386
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,783
Ha. I have seen dozens. Scores, even.
387
00:17:56,951 --> 00:17:58,535
You are such a liar.
388
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:01,955
I bet you've never even gotten
to second base.
389
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:03,874
I... So maybe not.
390
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:05,834
So what?
What do you mean "so what"?
391
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:08,587
Why do you behave like...?
No one cares how I behave.
392
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:13,341
Mama is gone, Papa is always at work.
I just rot away at that boarding school.
393
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:17,012
Yeah, and then I bet you get sent off
to camp all summer.
394
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,347
Riding camp, skiing camp.
395
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:22,642
Lacrosse camp.
It's like he doesn't want me around.
396
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:26,188
Yeah, so you misbehave
because you want a little attention.
397
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:27,981
And it's so hard to make friends.
398
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:32,861
Because you're insecure, so you
overcompensate and come across as...
399
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:34,821
As some kind of snob or...
400
00:18:34,989 --> 00:18:37,365
Arrogant. I get it, Anka.
Ja, exactly.
401
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,951
You know, Archer,
I think you and I are a lot alike.
402
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,661
I don't do that.
403
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:43,455
[SCREAMING]
404
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,500
Okay, I think that's all of them...
405
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:49,294
...which is good
because I'm out of ammo.
406
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,589
And we're out of gas. Fantastic.
407
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,382
Guess we'll have to hike back.
408
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,218
Oh, my God, you must be freezing.
409
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:59,971
Hey, Anka, relax. You're gonna be okay.
We'll get you back to the hotel and...
410
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:04,476
All the wind from the driving, Archer.
My hands are really burning.
411
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,895
Whoa. That's first degree frostbite.
412
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:10,398
Too bad you don't have big,
mitten-y gloves. I can't feel a thing in these.
413
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:13,610
It's like my breasts are on fire.
414
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:17,739
Maybe just put your hands on them.
Oh, my hands are like ice.
415
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:19,950
But yours...
Nope.
416
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,159
Please.
Nope.
417
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,495
We can make it back in,
like, half-hour, tops.
418
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,497
I can't wait that long. Please...
Nope.
419
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,083
With such big, mitten-y gloves,
it won't even count.
420
00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:31,086
Nope.
But I could get nerve damage.
421
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:33,213
That's actually a possibility.
422
00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:37,384
Please, Archer, just for one minute.
Um...
423
00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,223
Literally one minute, all right?
Please.
424
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,892
And only because this is
a medical emergency.
425
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:47,769
[SIGHS]
426
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:50,105
That feels nice.
It doesn't. Don't enjoy this.
427
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:52,607
This is a medical proced... Ow.
428
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:53,942
What's wrong?
Nothing.
429
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:56,444
It's just, um, my stitches.
430
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,154
LANA: Oh, yeah?
What...?
431
00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:00,407
Getting a little local swelling?
432
00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:01,908
[GIGGLES]
433
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,326
Hooray.
434
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,912
I can't believe I let this happen.
435
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,122
[SNORING]
436
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,457
Uck! It was those
damn Green Russians.
437
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,126
Yeah, they pack a wallop.
438
00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:14,963
And if you ever breathe a word
of this, I will gut you like a carp.
439
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:16,590
Hey, what happens in Gstaad...
440
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:17,924
[BURPS]
441
00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:19,634
...stays in Gstaad.
Ugh.
442
00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:22,304
Now, who's ready for a shower?
443
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,055
This gal.
444
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,259
[English - US - PSDH]
445
00:21:01,309 --> 00:21:05,859
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