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1
00:00:02,128 --> 00:00:05,298
I get to go to the French Riviera
on the ISIS dime to do what?
2
00:00:05,465 --> 00:00:07,800
Locate a stolen shipment
of Redeye missiles...
3
00:00:07,967 --> 00:00:12,055
...and kill the arms dealer trying
to sell them, Spirodon Skorpio.
4
00:00:12,222 --> 00:00:13,932
ARCHER:
Whoa, what, is diabetes busy?
5
00:00:14,098 --> 00:00:18,186
Don't underestimate Skorpio. There's
a reason the bounty on him is so high.
6
00:00:18,353 --> 00:00:21,606
Like, high enough to redo my kitchen?
- Ugh. What did I tell you?
7
00:00:21,773 --> 00:00:25,026
That Saltillo tile is terrible
for a kitchen because it's so porous.
8
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:28,404
And Mexican whore-house-y.
So I'm sure your cook feels at home.
9
00:00:28,571 --> 00:00:31,282
Hey, Pita isn't a whore.
- Not until you got a hold of her.
10
00:00:31,449 --> 00:00:33,910
First of all...
- Oh, shut up. The bounty on Skorpio...
11
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:37,121
...is more than enough for a new kitchen...
- I also have the nook...
12
00:00:37,288 --> 00:00:41,209
And the rest you can set aside
for Pita's inevitable medical expenses.
13
00:00:41,376 --> 00:00:43,628
Ugh. Like, one time that happened.
14
00:00:43,795 --> 00:00:45,964
It's pretty late. Why don't you take a cab?
15
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:49,050
[IN HEAVY MEXICAN ACCENT]
Mr. Sterling? I have problem.
16
00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:50,260
I'll pay for it.
17
00:00:50,510 --> 00:00:51,553
[VOMITING]
18
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,721
Again? Seriously, Pita...
19
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:58,726
You're killing me here. Again?
This was supposed to be coconut shrimp.
20
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:02,480
One, three times. But it's the Pope's
fault she won't let me wear a condom.
21
00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:06,276
Why don't you wear a vasectomy?
- This again? Don't you want a grandkid?
22
00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:10,321
Well, if I did, I'd just scrape all
your previous mishaps into a big pile...
23
00:01:10,488 --> 00:01:13,491
...and knit a onesie for it.
- Jesus Christ.
24
00:01:13,658 --> 00:01:16,202
Sorry, I've been fasting and I'm edgy.
- Still though...
25
00:01:16,369 --> 00:01:18,997
Sterling.
- Okay. If there's money left...
26
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:21,124
...after the kitchen,
then vasectomy maybe.
27
00:01:21,291 --> 00:01:22,625
You do want the assignment?
28
00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:25,628
Yeah, I want it.
- You really, really, really want it?
29
00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:27,005
Yes. I really want it.
30
00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:28,840
Well, too bad. Because guess what.
31
00:01:29,007 --> 00:01:30,174
Womp-womp.
32
00:01:30,341 --> 00:01:32,844
Why does she get the mission?
- Because I said so.
33
00:01:33,011 --> 00:01:34,929
Either way, we have a plane to catch.
34
00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,306
We? Why are you going?
35
00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,517
I'm going to, um, a conference?
36
00:01:39,684 --> 00:01:42,270
Oh, well, isn't that convenient?
37
00:01:42,437 --> 00:01:45,690
If you think that's convenient,
wait till you see my new kitchen.
38
00:01:45,857 --> 00:01:50,111
Ha! Seriously though, you should look
through some of her design catalogs.
39
00:02:21,726 --> 00:02:24,062
So, zoom, you're just
jetting off to France?
40
00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:26,606
Isn't that kind of sudden?
- No, baby.
41
00:02:26,773 --> 00:02:29,567
Sudden is wanting to move in
with somebody after four months.
42
00:02:29,734 --> 00:02:31,903
Talking. Just talking about it.
43
00:02:32,070 --> 00:02:34,947
You know, I mean, jeez,
I moved in with my last girlfriend...
44
00:02:35,114 --> 00:02:37,367
...after four weeks.
- What are you, a lesbian?
45
00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:40,203
Why, would you be into that?
Just curious.
46
00:02:40,370 --> 00:02:44,832
Which was an odd word choice
right there, and am I talking out loud?
47
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:48,169
Now remember, I want the entire data
system on those new servers...
48
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,880
...or I will just make it rain pink slips.
49
00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:53,132
I'm not doing that.
- That's a poor motivator.
50
00:02:53,299 --> 00:02:56,094
Lana, I want you to call or text me
at the top of every hour.
51
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:59,055
I'll call or text at the...
- I'm gonna be kind of busy, hon.
52
00:02:59,222 --> 00:03:00,723
Well, it's all on this schedule.
53
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:03,601
Oh, no, honey. The doors
are closing and I didn't get the...
54
00:03:03,768 --> 00:03:05,228
Oh, so close.
55
00:03:05,395 --> 00:03:07,939
So your conference
wouldn't be for control freaks...
56
00:03:08,106 --> 00:03:12,610
...who micro-manage everything, would it?
- What? No, that's not why I'm...
57
00:03:12,777 --> 00:03:16,239
But look, you be careful with Skorpio.
He won't hesitate to kill you.
58
00:03:16,406 --> 00:03:17,448
[CELL PHONE CHIRPS]
59
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:20,243
Unless I get smothered to death.
- Oh. That's just pathetic.
60
00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:24,956
But even though Cyril may be clingy...
- Oh. Saran Wrap could take a lesson.
61
00:03:25,123 --> 00:03:28,501
...You used to complain constantly
that Sterling was emotionally distant.
62
00:03:28,668 --> 00:03:30,336
Yeah, I was just being nice,
though.
63
00:03:30,503 --> 00:03:34,257
I wonder if he's like that because
I used to spank him with a wooden spoon.
64
00:03:34,424 --> 00:03:38,469
Uh... Yeah, I don't know about that, but it
might explain the ping-pong paddle.
65
00:03:38,636 --> 00:03:39,971
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
66
00:03:40,138 --> 00:03:42,473
MALORY:
My point is, dear, you can trust Cyril.
67
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,976
Now you go have
a fun assassination.
68
00:03:45,143 --> 00:03:48,438
Okay, and you go have fun at your thing.
69
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:52,525
Oh, I will. Bye, dear.
Did you rent a boat?
70
00:03:52,692 --> 00:03:57,113
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]
Da, is very... Ahem. Pretty nice boat.
71
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,657
It better be, Mr. Sex-Tape.
72
00:03:59,824 --> 00:04:03,494
And you, scuff that luggage,
and I'll out your hamstrings for you.
73
00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:07,373
I think we're making some progress.
- Where, in opposite-world?
74
00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:11,669
We're never gonna finish all this.
- We can, if certain people would help.
75
00:04:11,836 --> 00:04:15,798
I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because
your authority is not recognized in...
76
00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:19,635
...Fort Kickass.
- Ugh! Mr. Archer, you could help.
77
00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:22,221
Hey, I'm helping Cyril. Text her again.
78
00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:25,183
I am, if you'd shut up.
- And really pour out your feelings.
79
00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:28,144
Don't listen to him, he's just trying to...
- ARCHER: Shut up!
80
00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:30,480
Cyril, bare your soul.
81
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:34,901
JAKOV:
So, heh-heh, did I say is nice boat, or what?
82
00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,069
Yes, Nikolai, you certainly did...
83
00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:40,031
...which hopefully explains
my shock at finding myself...
84
00:04:40,198 --> 00:04:41,657
...aboard the Chum Guzzler.
85
00:04:41,824 --> 00:04:43,201
[LAUGHS]
86
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:45,453
I am just getting that.
87
00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:48,039
MALORY:
Well, I know what you're not getting.
88
00:04:48,206 --> 00:04:51,375
Give it. I'm serious. Give me my phone.
- No, get off. Cut it out.
89
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:53,711
Cyril, goddamn it,
you're smothering Lana.
90
00:04:53,878 --> 00:04:56,714
Pam, I will hit you in the face.
Aha-ha-ow!
91
00:04:56,881 --> 00:05:00,468
Don't listen to her, Cyril.
If there's one thing women totally love...
92
00:05:00,635 --> 00:05:02,386
...it's to be smothered by men.
93
00:05:02,553 --> 00:05:05,139
Heh. Like you'd know.
- Or choked, in your case.
94
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,433
Cyril, trust me.
Give her some space.
95
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:10,520
But why hasn't she called?
I mean, what if she's in danger?
96
00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:12,126
Or... Or...
- ARCHER: Cyril, come on.
97
00:05:12,522 --> 00:05:14,732
Worst-case scenario,
her cover got blown...
98
00:05:14,899 --> 00:05:16,901
...and Skorpio's raping her senseless...
- Oh!
99
00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:19,570
...before he chops her battered
corpse into fish food.
100
00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:21,864
What is wrong with you?
- How can you say that?
101
00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:23,574
What? I said "worst-case."
102
00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:24,784
[JAKOV SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
103
00:05:24,951 --> 00:05:27,286
Leave that to your field agent.
104
00:05:27,453 --> 00:05:29,789
Why must you always micro-manage?
105
00:05:29,956 --> 00:05:32,333
I don't. And if you will recall...
106
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,794
...I used to be an excellent field agent.
107
00:05:34,961 --> 00:05:37,839
Da, is why I fall in love with you.
108
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,633
My God, Kolya, we were so young.
109
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:44,053
Young and in love, and in Berlin.
110
00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:48,349
On that magical moonlit night,
beneath the Bridge of Spies.
111
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:52,270
The night before you break my heart,
and disappear for nine months.
112
00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:57,149
Kolya, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.
113
00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,193
What is in this drink?
114
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,113
Sorry, is ice from cooler.
115
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,658
Somehow it got butter all over it.
- WOMAN: Aah!
116
00:06:05,867 --> 00:06:07,952
Hey, don't be queen of drama.
117
00:06:08,119 --> 00:06:10,746
That wasn't me, you idiot.
118
00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,039
[SCREAMING]
119
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,541
Oh, dear God.
120
00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:16,127
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
121
00:06:16,294 --> 00:06:17,336
Cyril, give it to me.
- I bet that's Lana.
122
00:06:17,503 --> 00:06:20,298
It's my phone. Pam put yours in the blender.
- Come on.
123
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:23,885
PAM: It's called tough love, Cyril.
- The secret ingredient is phone.
124
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:27,680
Hello. Mother. What? Really?
125
00:06:27,847 --> 00:06:30,016
And you're sure it was Lana?
- What was Lana?
126
00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:33,769
Okay, I'm on it. What? Yes. God.
- Come on.
127
00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:37,106
What did she say?
- Well, she's still really pro-vasectomy.
128
00:06:37,273 --> 00:06:39,775
About Lana.
- Oh, right. Yeah, so...
129
00:06:40,693 --> 00:06:43,321
...remember that worst-case
scenario we talked about?
130
00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:45,781
Oh, my God.
- Yes, yes, I remember.
131
00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:48,993
Archer, if anything...
- Cyril, relax. I will rescue her.
132
00:06:49,744 --> 00:06:52,288
So, Krieger? How's about a roadie?
133
00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:58,502
ARCHER: It would be nice to know
what kind of danger I'm facing.
134
00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:00,869
MALORY [OVER RADIO]:
What danger? They do it outpatient.
135
00:07:00,922 --> 00:07:03,507
ARCHER:
What...? Not the vasectomy, the rescue.
136
00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:05,217
How would I know? I'm at a conference.
137
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:06,427
[SEAGULLS CRYING]
138
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,888
Wait a minute.
- You don't have a minute.
139
00:07:09,055 --> 00:07:10,765
Now, will you just put a lid on it?
140
00:07:10,932 --> 00:07:14,518
ARCHER: All right, I'm going.
- Shitty flying rats.
141
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,103
Just put the damn lid on it.
142
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:20,441
Commence Operation:
"Something about I rescue Lana...
143
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:24,028
...and she begs me to take her back,
so then Cyril commits suicide."
144
00:07:24,195 --> 00:07:26,530
I swear to God I had something for this.
145
00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,952
Seriously, are you just bailing
on this whole assignment, or what?
146
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:35,289
Who gives a gosh-damn about that?
Lana's captured, maybe even...
147
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:37,541
Rescued, Kenny Crybaby.
148
00:07:37,708 --> 00:07:42,046
Come on. I bet Mr. Archer already went
all double-oh-ninja on Skorpio's ass.
149
00:07:42,213 --> 00:07:43,381
Waa-paah!
150
00:07:43,547 --> 00:07:45,341
Karate sound.
- You really think so?
151
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:47,885
Cyril, right this second...
152
00:07:48,052 --> 00:07:50,221
...I bet he's untying Lana...
153
00:07:50,388 --> 00:07:52,306
...taking off her ball gag...
- Her what?
154
00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:55,393
...And she's looking up
into his steely-blue eyes...
155
00:07:55,559 --> 00:07:57,728
...and parting her moist lips...
156
00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,939
Wait a minute.
- Yeah, hang on, crazy pants.
157
00:08:00,106 --> 00:08:03,317
Let her talk, woman.
- As he takes her in his rippling...
158
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:06,946
...Rambo-y arms, throws her down...
- Oh, my God...
159
00:08:07,113 --> 00:08:10,408
...and then Unh, Unh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
160
00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:13,577
That's right! Give it to me! Uhn!
161
00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:17,123
Damn it, look what you... Shouldn't you
be off cooking a rabbit somewhere?
162
00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:20,209
I've got some in the lab.
- I mean, maybe it's not that...
163
00:08:20,376 --> 00:08:23,838
...but there's only one way to find out.
- Give me that.
164
00:08:24,547 --> 00:08:25,756
ARCHER:
Oh, Jesus, God.
165
00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:28,718
I thought I gave you a fake number.
- CYRIL: What?
166
00:08:28,884 --> 00:08:31,887
Archer, it's me.
- Cyril? Hey, I can't really talk right now.
167
00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:35,641
Well, that's too bad, Mr. Man.
Now, you just put Lana on the phone.
168
00:08:35,808 --> 00:08:40,104
Well, Cyril I can't really do that either.
- He says he can't put her on.
169
00:08:40,396 --> 00:08:44,400
[GRUNTING AND MOANING]
170
00:08:44,734 --> 00:08:47,570
Archer, put her on the phone.
- Cyril, buddy, look...
171
00:08:47,737 --> 00:08:50,489
...when I see her,
I will tell her to call you...
172
00:08:50,656 --> 00:08:53,117
...but I can't freaking talk right now!
173
00:08:53,284 --> 00:08:56,037
Archer? Hello? He hung up.
174
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,329
Probably cause he's all:
175
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:58,664
[GRUNTING]
176
00:08:58,831 --> 00:09:01,417
Oh, my God, I can't breathe.
177
00:09:03,044 --> 00:09:04,420
[GURGLING]
178
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:09,675
[SOBBING]
179
00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:13,095
And that's the reason I don't
have sex with my co-workers.
180
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:16,640
That and no one ever lets me.
- I've had good results with ether.
181
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,643
Oh, no!
182
00:09:19,852 --> 00:09:21,645
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
183
00:09:27,276 --> 00:09:29,116
MALORY:
Oh, my God, Nikolai, something's wrong.
184
00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:32,656
Is just fat dripping from kebabs.
185
00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:35,326
Not that. Kolya, my people need help.
186
00:09:35,493 --> 00:09:38,913
Do you have any KGB agents nearby?
- Meh...
187
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,792
"Meh" what?
- I just don't feel so comfortable...
188
00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:47,171
...discussing KGB operations with you.
- What? I tell you everything.
189
00:09:47,338 --> 00:09:51,467
Da, but is a little unprofessional.
190
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:54,637
ARCHER: Swear to God,
Lana better be dead on a slab...
191
00:09:54,804 --> 00:09:57,348
...or begging for mercy
over a vat of acid...
192
00:09:57,515 --> 00:09:59,600
...or a shark tank or...
193
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:03,312
Drinking champagne in a bikini?
- Oh, screw me.
194
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:07,274
SKORPIO [IN FOREIGN ACCENT]: Two
minutes, my love. I am just now again...
195
00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:10,111
...re-shaving my balls again.
196
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:13,197
First of all, you have no right
to interfere with my operation.
197
00:10:13,364 --> 00:10:16,867
And not that it's any of your beeswax,
but I did not have sex with Skorpio.
198
00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:18,494
Oh, really?
- No. God.
199
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:21,122
I just kept putting him off,
making him re-shave his balls.
200
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,707
Oh. So you can hang out on a boat?
201
00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:26,252
It's a mega-yacht. And I just...
202
00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:27,878
I needed a break from Cyril.
203
00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,756
Who thinks
you got captured, or killed.
204
00:10:30,923 --> 00:10:32,550
What was that all about?
- Um...
205
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:34,176
[SCREAMING]
206
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:38,722
[LAUGHING]
207
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:42,518
Uh... I actually forget what that was.
I've been hitting the sauce pretty hard.
208
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:46,730
Jesus. You are so irresponsible.
- Oh, really? Go ask Pita who's irresponsible.
209
00:10:46,897 --> 00:10:48,816
Hey, she knew
the job was risky going in.
210
00:10:48,983 --> 00:10:51,652
And since you didn't do your job...
- I Will, all right?
211
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,487
Just give me like a week.
212
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:55,823
Too late! You had your
chance and you blew it.
213
00:10:55,990 --> 00:10:59,034
Now, how's my disguise?
- Depends. Who are you supposed to be?
214
00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:01,620
Topper Bottoms,
stern yet sensual skipper...
215
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,539
...of the USS Rough Service?
216
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:04,748
[MUFFLED CHUCKLING]
217
00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:07,209
What, they're your clothes, idiot.
- Uhn!
218
00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:10,212
Oh, damn it, that was the guy
in charge of the chocolate fountain.
219
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:13,090
There's a chocolate fountain?
- Oh. There's everything.
220
00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:15,759
Great champagne, ridiculous food...
221
00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,596
...a whole, like, squad
of hot little Filipina masseuses.
222
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,181
Skeet?
- Probably. I just...
223
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:24,101
...really need some me time before
I have to go back to Cyril and his whole...
224
00:11:24,268 --> 00:11:26,437
Curiously oppressive
brand of love?
225
00:11:26,604 --> 00:11:30,357
I mean, come on, haven't I earned that?
- Yes, we have. I'm staying.
226
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,109
What? No. No, you're not.
- Yes.
227
00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:36,280
Yes, I am. Or would you prefer
I tell Cyril you slept with Skorpio?
228
00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:39,408
Even you wouldn't stoop that low.
- Lana, come on...
229
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:41,493
...this is me, remember?
230
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:42,745
[GROANS]
231
00:11:42,912 --> 00:11:44,496
Unprofessional?
232
00:11:44,663 --> 00:11:47,458
From the man who used
an entire KGB surveillance team...
233
00:11:47,625 --> 00:11:49,710
...just to make a sex tape of me?
234
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:53,297
Ha. And entire KGB art department...
235
00:11:53,464 --> 00:11:56,008
...to airbrush wrinkles off your old ass.
236
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,886
I want to leave, please.
Right now.
237
00:11:59,053 --> 00:12:02,514
So who's stopping you?
238
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:03,724
Hmm.
239
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,060
Hmm.
240
00:12:06,227 --> 00:12:09,396
Smiles everyone, smiles.
241
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:13,234
For this party, everything
must be as perfect...
242
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,569
...as my beautiful companion.
- Ha-ha.
243
00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:19,823
Because in one hour, the world's
most dangerous terrorists...
244
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:25,955
...will gather here, on the Argo,
to bid on my humble wares.
245
00:12:26,372 --> 00:12:29,833
Wait, wait, you.
Chocolate-fountain guy.
246
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,169
You look, uh...
247
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:34,838
...different.
- Oh!
248
00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:39,343
Um, I guess I've been working out?
- Yes, I can see that.
249
00:12:39,677 --> 00:12:42,137
Quick. Bring me some duct tape.
- I, uh...
250
00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,598
Because this malaka is ripped.
251
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:46,850
[LAUGHING]
252
00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:50,604
Come, my dear.
Before the party, I must relax...
253
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,856
...on top of you.
- Ugh.
254
00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:56,360
No excuses, huh? My balls are smooth.
255
00:12:56,902 --> 00:13:00,948
And you know I love that.
- Not as much as I love chocolate.
256
00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:06,120
Oh-hoh-hoh.
So, you, malaka, bring plenty of it, yes.
257
00:13:06,287 --> 00:13:07,788
I would prefer not to.
258
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:08,998
[GUNS COCKING]
259
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,709
Bartleby, the Scrivener? Anybody?
260
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,211
Not a big Melville crowd, here, huh?
261
00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:16,171
Yeah, he's not an easy read.
262
00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:18,215
And I drove her right into his arms.
263
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:19,425
[SOBBING]
264
00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,885
His big, tan, muscle-bulgy arms.
265
00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:24,805
Cyril, come on. Don't listen to...
266
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:27,224
What the hell is your name now, anyway?
267
00:13:27,391 --> 00:13:30,060
I don't even remember.
- PAM: Exactly. So...
268
00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:31,228
[SNORTING]
269
00:13:31,395 --> 00:13:34,898
What are you snorting off me?
- It's mostly MSG.
270
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:38,485
The flavor enhancer.
- Which you so need.
271
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:40,154
Pipe down, pipe cleaner.
272
00:13:40,321 --> 00:13:42,990
And, Cyril, it's a rescue mission, okay?
273
00:13:43,157 --> 00:13:46,076
Probably fraught with danger.
- You really think so?
274
00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:49,163
I bet they're fighting for their lives.
275
00:13:49,330 --> 00:13:50,748
Wow.
276
00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,334
Yeah, that...
277
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,085
[LAUGHS]
278
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:56,712
That got a little dark.
279
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:02,051
So now we have champagne, huh?
280
00:14:02,259 --> 00:14:06,764
Um, got anything a little stronger?
- Or way stronger. Like poison?
281
00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:10,100
Mm. I think I have just the thing.
282
00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:13,854
Oh, my God.
- Ready the shark tank for my guests...
283
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:17,608
...Agents Archer and Kane, of ISIS.
- What?
284
00:14:17,775 --> 00:14:18,942
You knew the whole time?
285
00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:21,236
How you say...? Womp-womp.
286
00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:26,116
All right, you heard Mr. Skorpio.
- No, just Skorpio.
287
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,869
Remember? How we're
doing that from now on?
288
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:33,207
Sorry, sir.
- Hang on just one second.
289
00:14:33,374 --> 00:14:35,584
Where was this enthusiasm before?
290
00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:37,753
I know, right?
Now he wants to contribute.
291
00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:42,132
M... Ha-ha.
Oh, funny. Actually, I'm getting this.
292
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:43,550
[CHATTERING]
293
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:47,304
Damn, I had something
for this too. Damn it.
294
00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:48,931
Eat grenade, stupids.
295
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:50,766
[GRENADE EXPLODES]
296
00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:53,268
Oh, well, now what?
- Ugh.
297
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:55,270
Are you still here?
298
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,940
Where'd you get a grenade?
- Hanging from the lampshade.
299
00:14:58,107 --> 00:14:59,149
Wait, what?
300
00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:00,484
[GUNSHOTS]
301
00:15:00,651 --> 00:15:02,653
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
302
00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:07,324
What? Did he just call me a whore?
- Now, why on earth would he do that?
303
00:15:07,491 --> 00:15:11,036
Because he
turns women into whores.
304
00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:12,996
Just ask
his slutty Mexican cook.
305
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:14,623
Oh, my God, yes.
306
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,209
We should call her,
because I would literally...
307
00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:19,795
...murder somebody
for some migas right now.
308
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:23,674
Every single noun and verb
in that sentence totally arouses me.
309
00:15:23,841 --> 00:15:25,884
And I'm so open to that.
310
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:27,761
And, Cyril, ignore her.
311
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:30,681
Nothing's going on
between Archer and Lana.
312
00:15:30,848 --> 00:15:33,809
Although...
- Although what?
313
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:36,854
Well, every ISIS agent
has a company-issued...
314
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,523
...life-insurance policy, and...
315
00:15:39,690 --> 00:15:40,691
And what?
316
00:15:41,692 --> 00:15:45,195
You're my beneficiary!
- Your what?
317
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,698
On my company life insurance.
318
00:15:47,865 --> 00:15:49,032
Oh, my God.
319
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,784
I mean, if this goes tits-up.
320
00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:55,539
Now? Really?
321
00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:58,917
Oh, right. Because you walked
into Strippers' Discount Warehouse...
322
00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:01,712
...and said, "Help me
showcase my intellect."
323
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:04,214
Discount? Hello, this is Fiacci.
324
00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:06,967
Uh, I think it's pronounced,
"Knock-off."
325
00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:08,552
[GRUNTS]
326
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:13,474
Right after I get back,
I'm changing that stupid policy. Ugh!
327
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,351
Yes, you're my beneficiary.
328
00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:21,565
How'd you get life insurance, Lana?
Don't they know you're in the danger zone?
329
00:16:21,732 --> 00:16:23,650
But that doesn't
mean anything. I mean...
330
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,695
...they could've forgotten
to fill out new beneficiary forms...
331
00:16:26,862 --> 00:16:30,199
Cyril, they have to update those
Bennie forms every quarter.
332
00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:31,408
[CHUCKLES]
333
00:16:31,575 --> 00:16:35,204
Ouch.
- But that means... Oh, my God.
334
00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,748
Damn ass-hammered shit!
335
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:41,752
What?
- Benefits! I forgot to spend the balance...
336
00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:44,087
...in my goddamn flex account!
337
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:47,424
Are you date-of-employment, or...?
- Calendar-year!
338
00:16:47,591 --> 00:16:49,718
Ouch.
- That's just leaving money on the table.
339
00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:50,928
How did you forget that?
340
00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:54,765
I guess I was busy fantasizing about
Archer and Lana having intercourse!
341
00:16:54,932 --> 00:16:56,058
[SOBBING]
342
00:16:56,225 --> 00:17:01,104
Ouch.
- Cyril, come on, hon, we all were.
343
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,315
And you expect me to believe that?
344
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:07,277
I don't care. Just like
I don't ever think about you.
345
00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:09,404
Reloading.
- Firing.
346
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:13,617
So when you filled out your insurance, you
weren't thinking about my muscular arms...
347
00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:20,123
...or my ass, in the combat-firing stance?
- No, I wasn't. I don't. I mean, I'm...
348
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,960
So full of shit, your eyes are brown.
349
00:17:25,963 --> 00:17:29,383
No, they're...
Oh, my God, they're green.
350
00:17:29,550 --> 00:17:30,634
[EXPLOSION]
351
00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:33,303
Like emeralds.
How did I never see that?
352
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,430
Lana, your eyes are amazing.
- Archer.
353
00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:38,433
I mean, not compared to your tits, but...
Ow! Ow!
354
00:17:38,976 --> 00:17:40,435
What is your problem?
355
00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:42,813
You. And plus, I have a boyfriend.
356
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:45,440
Oh, right, how could I forget Mr. Cling?
357
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:46,817
[SOBBING]
358
00:17:46,984 --> 00:17:49,444
Cyril? Cyril, come on. Let go.
359
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:53,198
Oh, God, he's stronger
than he looks.
360
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:55,826
Get him out of here!
361
00:17:55,993 --> 00:17:57,911
Because these corporate bag-munchers...
362
00:17:58,078 --> 00:18:00,372
...owe me 630 dollars...
363
00:18:00,539 --> 00:18:04,167
...for my goddamn flex account!
364
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:07,504
I cannot believe you shot me.
365
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,339
God, you know how much I hate that.
366
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:12,342
You better get used to it.
- Kill them, you fools. Kill them.
367
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,678
Oh, my God. I am gonna die...
368
00:18:14,845 --> 00:18:17,180
...and you're the last man
I was in bed with.
369
00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:21,476
Well, one of them. Don't worry,
I won't tell Cyril. Probably.
370
00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:22,686
[CLICKING]
371
00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:25,856
Shit. I'm out of ammo. Archer!
- Lana.Lana.
372
00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:28,859
Do you trust me?
- What? No, I don't trust you.
373
00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:32,195
Well, that's too bad.
Because guess what.
374
00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:39,745
Oh, my God. Nikolai. Our son.
375
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:42,706
Our what?
Oh, so...
376
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:45,876
...remember that little something
I wanted to tell you?
377
00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:51,632
A little something?
Oh, that is just classic you.
378
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,468
So I'm a little late.
- A lot late.
379
00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:58,305
No one could have survived that.
380
00:18:58,472 --> 00:19:01,558
Oh, man! Whoo!
381
00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:03,810
I am awesome!
382
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:07,356
Ugh. And it just keeps on getting better.
383
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:08,982
Lana?
- Asshole?
384
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:12,819
Oh, my God.
Was that not epic?
385
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:15,697
First of all...
- Nikolai, look, they're alive.
386
00:19:15,864 --> 00:19:19,159
Oh, thank God.
- Thank God?
387
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:23,747
For what? The lying woman
I risk my career for?
388
00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:26,458
The son she don't told me of?
389
00:19:26,625 --> 00:19:30,504
Or maybe my damn security deposit?
390
00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:34,424
MALORY: Security deposit.
What was it, a pair of flip-flops?
391
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:37,094
Half the bounty. Come on, I deserve it.
- Ha!
392
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,971
Too bad. So you can just paddle
that hole in your foot...
393
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,432
...right on back to your cheesy,
Mexican kitchen...
394
00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:44,768
Oh, I'll get a new kitchen.
395
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:48,021
Let's see you get a new boyfriend
after I have a talk with Cyril.
396
00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:50,357
Ha! About what, exactly?
397
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:52,693
How you cried during
a two-man threesome?
398
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,779
Wooden spoons are a huge
emotional trigger for me, Lana.
399
00:19:55,946 --> 00:19:58,323
Yeah, and now I know.
And when I tell Pam...
400
00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:00,367
...so will everybody in the office.
401
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:02,869
Oh, is that how you wanna play it?
- Yeah.
402
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:07,791
Fine! Keep your stupid bounty, then!
And keep your pathetic, clingy boyfriend.
403
00:20:07,958 --> 00:20:12,546
I will. Oh, and Cyril may be clingy,
but at least I know I can trust him.
404
00:20:13,130 --> 00:20:16,425
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- CHERYL: Cyril, come on.
405
00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:19,803
Snap out of it, seriously. It's not
like we burned down the mainframe.
406
00:20:19,970 --> 00:20:21,138
You really need to relax.
407
00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:24,141
How'? My life is ruined. Again.
408
00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:26,893
Look, what happens on
this scratchy green office rug...
409
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,521
...stays on this scratchy
green office rug, okay?
410
00:20:29,688 --> 00:20:30,981
You mean...
411
00:20:31,148 --> 00:20:34,818
...this, what we just did,
you'll keep this our secret?
412
00:20:34,985 --> 00:20:37,612
Yeah. God, Cyril.
413
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:40,949
You can trust me.
You know, probably.
414
00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:42,159
Probably?
415
00:20:42,826 --> 00:20:44,119
Womp-womp.
416
00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:19,863
[English - US - PSDH]
417
00:21:19,913 --> 00:21:24,463
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