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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,686 --> 00:00:05,280 MAN [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]: Sterling Archer. 2 00:00:05,455 --> 00:00:08,856 Code name Duchess. 3 00:00:09,526 --> 00:00:10,550 Hm. 4 00:00:10,727 --> 00:00:17,360 Known from Berlin to Bangkok as the world's most dangerous spy. 5 00:00:17,534 --> 00:00:20,025 So for us, this is... How you say? 6 00:00:21,337 --> 00:00:23,271 - A good get. 7 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,000 But not so good for you, Mr. Archer. 8 00:00:26,176 --> 00:00:29,407 Because you have information that I want. 9 00:00:29,579 --> 00:00:31,513 And this may be old cliché... 10 00:00:32,082 --> 00:00:33,242 [CRACKLING] 11 00:00:33,850 --> 00:00:37,377 but we have ways of making you talk. 12 00:00:38,388 --> 00:00:39,980 What? Your little go-cart battery? 13 00:00:40,156 --> 00:00:41,384 - Golf cart. - Whatever. 14 00:00:41,558 --> 00:00:44,254 - Would you pick an accent and stick with it? - [IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Listen here... 15 00:00:44,427 --> 00:00:47,658 WOMAN: Son of a bitch. - Now you did it. 16 00:00:52,368 --> 00:00:55,826 - What is the point of these simulations... - Krenshaw's arousal? 17 00:00:56,005 --> 00:00:58,337 If you don't take them seriously? 18 00:00:58,508 --> 00:01:01,443 How can I? Between his lame accent and the go-cart battery... 19 00:01:01,611 --> 00:01:02,839 - Golf cart. - Shut up. 20 00:01:03,012 --> 00:01:04,707 And speaking of lame, my code name... 21 00:01:04,881 --> 00:01:07,873 Was chosen at random by the ISIS computer. 22 00:01:08,051 --> 00:01:09,916 Random? It was your dog's name. 23 00:01:10,086 --> 00:01:11,644 Oh, Duchess. 24 00:01:13,089 --> 00:01:15,148 I loved her so much. 25 00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,815 That it was creepy and pathetic? 26 00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:19,427 And if you were half as smart as she was... 27 00:01:19,596 --> 00:01:22,360 She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate, was she? 28 00:01:22,532 --> 00:01:23,760 Exercise terminated. 29 00:01:23,933 --> 00:01:27,198 - All right, that's lunch then. - Agent performance unsatisfactory. 30 00:01:27,370 --> 00:01:29,804 Oh, come on... At worst, that was "needs improvement." 31 00:01:29,973 --> 00:01:31,031 - Jesus, Archer. - What? 32 00:01:31,207 --> 00:01:34,199 - You think this is a game? - No, I think Jenga is a game. 33 00:01:34,377 --> 00:01:35,901 What if I'd been real KGB? 34 00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:39,207 I assume you'd try to suck a promotion out of some Russian guy's cock. 35 00:01:39,382 --> 00:01:41,350 - Maybe I never get promoted... - Never will. 36 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:43,349 Because my mommy's not the boss. 37 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,045 And maybe you just got your face kicked off. 38 00:01:46,222 --> 00:01:49,191 That is my foot in your face. Smell the embarrass... 39 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,156 Ow, oh! 40 00:01:51,961 --> 00:01:53,394 Mother, did you see that? 41 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,192 Mother. 42 00:01:56,733 --> 00:01:58,291 Mother. 43 00:02:32,268 --> 00:02:34,259 [PHONE RINGING] 44 00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:41,566 [ANSWERING MACHINE CLICKS] 45 00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:43,871 ARCHER [ON RECORDING]: Leave a message at the tone. 46 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,306 Um... Tone. 47 00:02:46,482 --> 00:02:50,145 MAN: This is Four-Five-Six Laundry. Your shirts are ready... for a week. 48 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,288 Oh, no. 49 00:02:52,455 --> 00:02:53,820 - Good morning. - Hey, you. 50 00:02:53,990 --> 00:02:55,514 I'm so hungry. 51 00:02:55,692 --> 00:02:58,923 Just give me five minutes on my backhand then we'll see if there's a... 52 00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:03,259 - Is that a dog? Is it a dog? - Oui, that is Abelard. 53 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,196 Oh, adorable. Now get the hell out of here. 54 00:03:05,368 --> 00:03:07,495 But you promised me breakfast. 55 00:03:07,670 --> 00:03:10,696 You want breakfast? Try the diner. You're obviously into Greek. 56 00:03:10,874 --> 00:03:12,034 [GASPS] 57 00:03:12,208 --> 00:03:13,470 Get it? 58 00:03:13,643 --> 00:03:14,667 [BARKS] 59 00:03:14,844 --> 00:03:15,868 Thank you, Abelard. 60 00:03:16,045 --> 00:03:17,842 - It's a short list, Woodhouse. WOODHOUSE: Yes, sir. 61 00:03:18,014 --> 00:03:21,108 - Things we don't allow in. What are they? - Dogs and your mother. 62 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:23,650 - That's a very short list, isn't it? - Yes... 63 00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:26,015 but you were quite insistent... - What was I? 64 00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:28,020 That an exception be made. 65 00:03:28,191 --> 00:03:33,219 No, no, no, because forget the dog rule, because this pug is amazing. 66 00:03:33,396 --> 00:03:35,023 Watch this. Abergard, go. 67 00:03:35,198 --> 00:03:36,460 [BARKING] 68 00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:38,198 Do you not hear that? 69 00:03:38,701 --> 00:03:40,692 That's "Puttin' on the Ritz," man. 70 00:03:40,870 --> 00:03:42,861 - I'm always insistent, Woodhouse. - Yes, sir. 71 00:03:43,039 --> 00:03:45,007 - But I'm not to be trusted, am I? - No, sir. 72 00:03:45,174 --> 00:03:47,574 Stop. Shut up. I have to go. 73 00:03:47,744 --> 00:03:50,577 But if I find one single dog hair when I get back... 74 00:03:50,747 --> 00:03:53,011 I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes. 75 00:03:53,182 --> 00:03:55,309 Very good, sir. 76 00:03:55,852 --> 00:03:57,820 - I also need you to go buy sand. - Yes, sir. 77 00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,716 I don't know if they grade it but... 78 00:04:02,225 --> 00:04:03,385 Coarse. 79 00:04:10,266 --> 00:04:13,929 One entire whole week we've been calling you. 80 00:04:14,103 --> 00:04:15,127 Highly unprofessional. 81 00:04:15,305 --> 00:04:18,365 Really? Because I find your sweatiness unprofessional. 82 00:04:18,841 --> 00:04:20,331 So we have something in common. 83 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,445 Besides the fact that now both of our shirts reek of curry. 84 00:04:23,613 --> 00:04:27,276 - And when will you settle your account? - When will you buy some dress shields? 85 00:04:27,450 --> 00:04:32,251 - This is not a dress. - Are you serious? That's not a dress? 86 00:04:33,990 --> 00:04:36,185 Oh, God, with the curry again. 87 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:39,089 This shirt smells like Indira Gandhi's thong. 88 00:04:39,262 --> 00:04:41,230 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES] 89 00:04:41,397 --> 00:04:42,421 [PHONE RINGS] 90 00:04:42,598 --> 00:04:45,396 - Hey, you wanna smell something? - Swear to God, Mr. Archer... 91 00:04:45,568 --> 00:04:47,866 I have H.R. On speed dial. - Shut up. 92 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,369 Hey, Krieger, you gotta smell this. 93 00:04:51,074 --> 00:04:53,269 Krieger? Huh. 94 00:04:53,910 --> 00:04:55,434 You geeks wanna smell something? 95 00:04:55,611 --> 00:04:58,307 - Archer, get the hell out. - What is it with you people? 96 00:04:58,481 --> 00:05:01,075 Try to include people in your life and then you... Lana. 97 00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:03,582 Hey. Hey, what does this smell like? 98 00:05:03,753 --> 00:05:07,883 Like the dysfunctional asshole I broke up with six months ago. 99 00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:10,454 Oh, my God. You're amazing. 100 00:05:10,626 --> 00:05:12,093 You are amazing, sweet stuff. 101 00:05:12,261 --> 00:05:14,695 Wanna do it again and put on some interracial porn? 102 00:05:14,864 --> 00:05:18,857 God, it's like my brain's that tree, and you're those little cookie elves. 103 00:05:19,035 --> 00:05:20,059 [PHONE RINGS] 104 00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:21,260 Just a second. 105 00:05:21,437 --> 00:05:24,565 - No, baby, don't answer that. - I have to. Sorry, it's Mother. 106 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,175 - Mother, hey. Just a second. - I cannot believe you. 107 00:05:27,343 --> 00:05:30,540 No, turn it on. I can do both. 108 00:05:31,481 --> 00:05:34,575 - What? - So don't speak to me, ever. 109 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:38,585 And while you're not ever speaking to me, jump up your own ass and die. 110 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:41,690 Oh, rea... After all that H.R. Mediation. Really? 111 00:05:41,858 --> 00:05:43,985 - Yup. - After all the hard work Pam did. 112 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:45,525 - Is that Archer? - Goddamn it. 113 00:05:45,695 --> 00:05:47,026 - Archer, hey. - Go away. 114 00:05:47,196 --> 00:05:49,187 - About your operations account... - Not... 115 00:05:49,365 --> 00:05:50,923 - Cyril, not now. - Yes, now. 116 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,591 - Not a good time. - You've got serious discrepancies... 117 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,431 in your account. - No, Cyril. 118 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:59,371 I'm sure you wouldn't use operational funds for personal expenses. 119 00:06:03,012 --> 00:06:04,377 Come on, 22 black. 120 00:06:04,547 --> 00:06:07,015 Twenty-two black. Twenty-two. 121 00:06:07,183 --> 00:06:09,845 Black. Ass. Son of a bitch. Heh. 122 00:06:10,586 --> 00:06:15,353 Not you, giant African man. I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink? 123 00:06:15,525 --> 00:06:17,857 How about this expensive prostitute? 124 00:06:18,027 --> 00:06:20,291 That is a very serious implication, Cyril. 125 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:22,055 Well, so is embezzlement. 126 00:06:22,231 --> 00:06:26,292 Yeah? Well, so is the fact that you, some crazy-how, are screwing my ex. 127 00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,733 - Archer, please. That's private. - Not calm enough? 128 00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:30,896 You all know about Cyril and Lana, right? 129 00:06:31,074 --> 00:06:34,373 Of course, because if Pam knows, then everybody knows... 130 00:06:34,544 --> 00:06:37,536 because of Pam's huge mouth. Right, Pam? 131 00:06:37,713 --> 00:06:41,809 H.R. Mediations are supposed to be confidential, Pam, you manatee. 132 00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:46,016 - And as for you, Cyril, good day, sir. - Archer. 133 00:06:46,189 --> 00:06:49,317 Hey, wait. What about your account? Oh, I get it. 134 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,357 Classic misdirection. 135 00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:53,424 [CRYING] 136 00:06:53,596 --> 00:06:56,360 ARCHER: No, don't. You're so ugly when you cry. 137 00:06:56,866 --> 00:06:58,060 - Mr. Archer. - I'm fine. 138 00:06:58,234 --> 00:07:00,259 Is she in or out eating a baby? 139 00:07:00,436 --> 00:07:03,098 - You stood me up again last night. - Last...? 140 00:07:03,272 --> 00:07:06,503 Oh, yeah. Oh, my. What happened was... 141 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:10,510 Did you see Brian's Song? Same thing pretty much happened. 142 00:07:11,414 --> 00:07:15,043 I helped a guy with cancer. Look, I'm really sorry, Carol, but I couldn't... 143 00:07:15,218 --> 00:07:16,276 It's Cheryl. 144 00:07:16,452 --> 00:07:19,387 I know, Ca... Cheryl. So to make it up to you... 145 00:07:19,555 --> 00:07:21,079 [CHERYL INHALES] 146 00:07:21,257 --> 00:07:22,884 - I'm ready. ...could you buzz me in? 147 00:07:23,059 --> 00:07:26,426 Ugh. Is that all you have to say? 148 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:29,896 Yes. 149 00:07:31,467 --> 00:07:33,196 Now tell me again how... 150 00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:36,099 No, not that part. Go back. Yes. 151 00:07:36,439 --> 00:07:40,808 The pepper. Oh, yes, God. Oh, God. 152 00:07:40,977 --> 00:07:43,445 Oh, goddamn it. 153 00:07:43,613 --> 00:07:45,604 What the hell are you doing? 154 00:07:45,781 --> 00:07:46,907 What are you doing? 155 00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:49,415 L... I'm... 156 00:07:49,585 --> 00:07:53,180 For your information, I've just been reviewing your operations account. 157 00:07:53,356 --> 00:07:55,483 - No. No. No. - Yes. Yes. 158 00:07:55,658 --> 00:07:56,989 - Yes. Yes. - No. No. 159 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,957 And it makes for fascinating reading. 160 00:07:59,128 --> 00:08:00,652 - No. - Let's see. 161 00:08:00,830 --> 00:08:03,560 You turned in an expense report from Berlin... 162 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,167 where the German desk says you never checked in. 163 00:08:06,335 --> 00:08:08,633 - Oh, Berlin was... - Ditto Buenos Aires. 164 00:08:08,804 --> 00:08:10,601 - Too busy to check in? - There was... Yeah. 165 00:08:10,773 --> 00:08:11,797 Already off to Monaco? 166 00:08:11,974 --> 00:08:14,943 - I'm spying. - Or was it Mallorca? Oh. 167 00:08:15,111 --> 00:08:18,012 - Or Tunis? - Tunis kind of rings a bell. 168 00:08:18,181 --> 00:08:20,775 ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. 169 00:08:20,950 --> 00:08:25,114 It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to Whore Island. 170 00:08:25,288 --> 00:08:27,620 That's not a real place. 171 00:08:27,790 --> 00:08:31,419 I have 50 agents who'd literally kill to move up to your position. 172 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,324 If you don't square your operations account by Monday... 173 00:08:34,497 --> 00:08:37,762 they won't need to. Your position will be vacant. 174 00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:41,598 - Sterling. - Hm? Sorry. I was picturing Whore Island. 175 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:43,033 Have I made myself clear? 176 00:08:43,206 --> 00:08:45,800 Are you...? You're looking for the answer "yes"? 177 00:08:45,975 --> 00:08:47,408 - Yes. Good. - Then, yes. 178 00:08:47,577 --> 00:08:48,601 Then get out. 179 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:51,144 And for God's sake, take a shower. 180 00:08:51,314 --> 00:08:52,941 Smells like a whorehouse in here. 181 00:08:53,115 --> 00:08:54,377 Okay. Your own fingers. 182 00:08:54,550 --> 00:08:56,142 - Hm? - Nothing. 183 00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:58,776 Johnny Bench called. 184 00:09:02,725 --> 00:09:03,749 So here's the thing. 185 00:09:03,926 --> 00:09:07,555 I need to access my operations account and you're preventing that. 186 00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:11,496 Now, we can do this easy or we can do it hard. 187 00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:15,194 Your call. No? Hard it is then. 188 00:09:17,573 --> 00:09:18,597 [MAN YELLS] 189 00:09:18,774 --> 00:09:20,639 - Oh, God, sorry. MAN: Goddamn it, Archer. 190 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,677 - I forgot that... Did I get you? MAN: What is wrong with you? 191 00:09:23,846 --> 00:09:27,839 Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand, have a bullet inside you. 192 00:09:28,017 --> 00:09:31,578 - I see the foot's all better. - And I see you're still a hatchet-face prick. 193 00:09:31,754 --> 00:09:34,518 - Do you see that sign? - Do you see that sign? 194 00:09:35,891 --> 00:09:39,827 - Well... - That's why. So we don't get ants. 195 00:09:41,063 --> 00:09:44,032 Because when your co-workers put food in the refrigerator... 196 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,498 that's a bond of trust, okay? 197 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:50,533 And if you violate that trust, or the food, there's... 198 00:09:50,706 --> 00:09:52,901 There's my favorite section head. 199 00:09:53,075 --> 00:09:55,771 I am dealing with the break room problem. 200 00:09:55,945 --> 00:09:59,108 Oh, good. You caught the... Oh, wait I had something for this. 201 00:09:59,282 --> 00:10:00,874 - The Pita Predator. - You know what? 202 00:10:01,050 --> 00:10:02,950 Sorry. Let's just call it what it is. 203 00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,517 - Food rapist. - Not a pretty name, is it? 204 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,657 Pam, if you want some food that's supposed to be cream-filled... 205 00:10:08,824 --> 00:10:10,883 I offer these delicious doughnuts. 206 00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:12,527 PAM: Yeah? - In exchange for a favor. 207 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:13,753 - A favor? - Yeah. 208 00:10:13,929 --> 00:10:16,056 After how you treated me? 209 00:10:16,232 --> 00:10:18,962 - **** your dolphin, Pam. LANA: Archer, she's down, all right? 210 00:10:19,135 --> 00:10:21,228 - Your ******* dolphin. LANA: She's tapping out. 211 00:10:21,404 --> 00:10:22,894 - You. - I think she peed. 212 00:10:23,072 --> 00:10:25,267 I had to get three stitches. 213 00:10:25,441 --> 00:10:27,932 And I broke my watch. And I'm sorry for that. 214 00:10:28,110 --> 00:10:31,671 - Three... - But I need your help, Pam, because I'm... 215 00:10:31,847 --> 00:10:34,611 um, conducting a mole hunt. 216 00:10:34,784 --> 00:10:35,978 - Aah. - Gasp you should... 217 00:10:36,152 --> 00:10:38,950 because if you let me in the mainframe, I'll drop these doughnuts. 218 00:10:39,121 --> 00:10:43,615 Then you can pretend they're marbles and you're a hungry, hungry... 219 00:10:45,961 --> 00:10:48,191 hungry hippo. 220 00:10:48,364 --> 00:10:52,926 Lana. Hey, I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but... 221 00:10:54,470 --> 00:10:56,131 - Oh, is that what you want? LANA: Yup. 222 00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:59,138 - Because that's how you get ants. LANA: Yay. 223 00:10:59,608 --> 00:11:01,769 Cyril, my favorite section head. 224 00:11:01,944 --> 00:11:05,311 - What do you want? - To apologize for my behavior. 225 00:11:05,481 --> 00:11:06,914 - Well... - And also to... 226 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,450 - What are you doing? - Oh, just dicing veggies for dinner. 227 00:11:10,619 --> 00:11:13,315 - I always make Lana stir-fry on Friday. - Neat. Listen... 228 00:11:13,489 --> 00:11:16,686 - Guess what we call it. - Stir Friday? 229 00:11:17,626 --> 00:11:19,856 - Wow, that's actually better. - Yup. 230 00:11:20,029 --> 00:11:22,224 It's all yours. So come let me in the mainframe. 231 00:11:22,398 --> 00:11:24,958 Is this about your operations account? 232 00:11:25,134 --> 00:11:26,499 - No. Cyril... - Yeah? 233 00:11:26,669 --> 00:11:28,694 I'm on a top-secret mole hunt. 234 00:11:28,871 --> 00:11:30,304 Oh, yeah, Pam mentioned that. 235 00:11:30,473 --> 00:11:32,941 - Wha...? When? - Well, she called a minute ago. 236 00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:36,442 - You know how Pam loves to gossip. - Yeah. I need rug marbles. I know. 237 00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,409 - Come let me into the mainframe. - Okay. 238 00:11:38,581 --> 00:11:42,312 - I need to confirm this with your mother. - No. No. I mean, what? Cyril. 239 00:11:43,052 --> 00:11:45,953 - What if she is the mole? Think about it. - Your own mother. 240 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,989 Think what that would do to me if we had to kill her... 241 00:11:49,158 --> 00:11:52,855 - Archer. ...by stabbing her wrinkly neck... 242 00:11:53,028 --> 00:11:55,690 with a knife? - Yeah. I can't let you in there. 243 00:11:55,865 --> 00:11:58,197 Can't or won't? 244 00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:00,968 - Either? - And after I gave you Stir Friday. 245 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,468 - That is much better. - I know. 246 00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:05,630 - But if you wanna access the mainframe... - What? 247 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,208 I guess you'd have to break in. 248 00:12:09,345 --> 00:12:13,076 Break in to the ISIS mainframe. 249 00:12:13,249 --> 00:12:17,481 Which is obviously ludicrous. As is this baby corn. 250 00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,780 What is that about? Archer? 251 00:12:20,356 --> 00:12:24,554 ARCHER: ISIS headquarters makes Fort Knox look like a gingerbread house. 252 00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:26,285 Only two means of ingress. 253 00:12:26,462 --> 00:12:31,024 The first, at street level. Impenetrable after 6. 254 00:12:31,734 --> 00:12:33,861 The second, through an access door on the roof. 255 00:12:34,036 --> 00:12:36,561 Inexplicably unprotected. 256 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:41,109 But even if you zip-lined across... 257 00:12:41,277 --> 00:12:42,767 ... reached the access door... 258 00:12:42,945 --> 00:12:45,209 ... and somehow made it into ISIS headquarters... 259 00:12:45,381 --> 00:12:48,714 ... you'd still have to find the mainframe. 260 00:12:49,118 --> 00:12:51,450 But, wait, it gets worse. 261 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,348 Inside, there are three countermeasure systems. 262 00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:56,787 The first is pressure sensitive in the floor. 263 00:12:56,959 --> 00:12:58,426 Even a mouse triggers it. 264 00:12:58,594 --> 00:13:02,963 The second is sound sensitive. Anything above a whisper sets it off. 265 00:13:03,132 --> 00:13:06,397 And the third system is state-of-the-art voice activation. 266 00:13:06,569 --> 00:13:09,094 Cyril Figgis. 267 00:13:09,271 --> 00:13:10,602 [DOOR BEEPS] 268 00:13:12,741 --> 00:13:15,073 ARCHER: So, obviously, it would be a lot easier for me... 269 00:13:15,244 --> 00:13:19,374 if you just disabled all that when you left work tonight... somehow. 270 00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:24,485 - Ooh. That would make me uncomfortable. - Yeah. 271 00:13:24,653 --> 00:13:26,917 Oh, God, everything makes you uncomfortable. 272 00:13:28,424 --> 00:13:29,823 Just the tip? 273 00:13:29,992 --> 00:13:31,584 Just the tip. 274 00:13:31,861 --> 00:13:33,761 Just the tip. 275 00:13:34,029 --> 00:13:36,156 How was I to know you're lactose intolerant? 276 00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:37,697 Because I kept screaming it. 277 00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:38,993 - Well, what? - And this... 278 00:13:39,168 --> 00:13:40,601 I'm just a secretary. 279 00:13:40,769 --> 00:13:44,671 - I don't have access to security whatevers. - What? 280 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,308 - Then get them from Cyril. - How would I do that? 281 00:13:47,476 --> 00:13:51,503 - Seduce him or Pam, or both. - I can't do that. 282 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,272 - Can't or won't? - Either. 283 00:13:53,449 --> 00:13:56,145 That's how you wanna play it? Fine. 284 00:13:56,619 --> 00:13:59,315 - Are you gonna pay for your lunch? - Just the tip. 285 00:13:59,488 --> 00:14:00,819 [CHERYL SCOFFS] 286 00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:03,782 Actually, I don't have any cash. 287 00:14:04,527 --> 00:14:08,827 Can you get it? Sorry. I also need cab fare. 288 00:14:08,998 --> 00:14:10,124 [CHERYL SNIFFLES] 289 00:14:10,299 --> 00:14:11,823 Oh, ugly duckling. 290 00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:13,730 Bock, bock. 291 00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,934 ARCHER: So thanks for nothing, Carol. 292 00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:23,135 Now I have to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck. 293 00:14:23,312 --> 00:14:24,540 And if it gets ruined... 294 00:14:24,713 --> 00:14:28,149 I'm gonna make you drink heavy cream, you... 295 00:14:28,317 --> 00:14:29,341 Carol. 296 00:14:34,189 --> 00:14:36,817 Wow, that was actually pretty easy. Thanks, new turtleneck. 297 00:14:36,992 --> 00:14:38,357 [CLOTH RIPS] 298 00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:40,392 Oh, and thank you, duffel bag. 299 00:14:40,563 --> 00:14:42,360 Jesus, what else could go wrong? 300 00:14:46,902 --> 00:14:48,893 [PHONE DIALING] 301 00:14:51,006 --> 00:14:53,406 Exactly. You're not Archer. That's what's so great about you. 302 00:14:53,576 --> 00:14:54,770 [PHONE RINGING] 303 00:14:54,944 --> 00:14:56,536 And the fact your mother died in a fire. 304 00:14:56,879 --> 00:14:59,177 - What? - I said where are we on that stir-fry? 305 00:14:59,348 --> 00:15:01,475 Agent Kane. What? 306 00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:02,708 Yes, confirmed. 307 00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:06,821 Confirmed a naughty nellie's breaking our after-work phone rule. 308 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,287 - Cyril, there's been a break-in at ISIS. - What? 309 00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:11,323 - Think it's the mole? - God, you and Pam... 310 00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:13,324 - Pam's all right. - Wow. 311 00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:15,224 Okay. I've got to go. 312 00:15:15,397 --> 00:15:17,763 - But it's Stir Friday. - Hurray. 313 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:22,369 - But if I'm not here... - Yeah. 314 00:15:23,105 --> 00:15:26,700 Because after three months of whatever it is we're doing... 315 00:15:26,875 --> 00:15:29,810 it's weird that you can't leave me alone in your apartment. 316 00:15:29,979 --> 00:15:32,777 - I know I have trust issues, all right? - But it's... 317 00:15:32,948 --> 00:15:35,143 - It's Archer's fault I'm like this. - Here we go. 318 00:15:35,317 --> 00:15:38,343 - All of those years of lying and cheating. - It's fine. 319 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,215 That thing with the mayonnaise. 320 00:15:40,389 --> 00:15:42,448 - How messed up he is about his mother. - Fine. 321 00:15:42,625 --> 00:15:45,059 Do you know he called out her name once when we f...? 322 00:15:45,227 --> 00:15:48,754 CYRIL: Fine! 323 00:15:50,132 --> 00:15:52,930 - And here we are. All fine. - Cyril, come on, hon, please? 324 00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:54,126 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 325 00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:55,895 Now who's a naughty nellie? 326 00:15:56,071 --> 00:15:57,129 - Hello? ARCHER: Hi, who's this? 327 00:15:57,306 --> 00:15:58,967 Cyril Figgis. 328 00:15:59,141 --> 00:16:00,870 I'm sorry. Did you say Faggis? 329 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,568 - Figgis. Figgis. - Who is it? Better not be Pam. 330 00:16:03,746 --> 00:16:05,805 ARCHER: Not Faggis? - Figgis. I was very clear. 331 00:16:05,981 --> 00:16:08,313 Hi, I'm a huge fan of cock and my name is... 332 00:16:08,484 --> 00:16:10,281 CYRIL [ON RECORDING]: Cyril Figgis. 333 00:16:10,452 --> 00:16:11,783 [DOOR BEEPS] 334 00:16:13,789 --> 00:16:16,724 Holy shit. Our security is atrocious. 335 00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:18,621 Seriously, it's really bad. 336 00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:20,585 Password. 337 00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:24,525 Hm. Password. How about "guest"? 338 00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:26,167 No way. 339 00:16:26,335 --> 00:16:30,965 It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just Baby Town frolics. 340 00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:35,236 Okay, operations account. Just how deep in the red am I? 341 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,902 Out of my mind. Oh, no. 342 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,947 How? How did I spend that much money? 343 00:16:41,283 --> 00:16:43,945 Yeah, I know it's sexy, Woodhouse. That's why I bought 10. 344 00:16:44,119 --> 00:16:45,609 Now arrange those by color. 345 00:16:45,788 --> 00:16:47,483 These are all black. 346 00:16:47,656 --> 00:16:53,117 Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black and five in a slightly darker black? 347 00:16:53,295 --> 00:16:56,890 And now I'm short a slightly darker black one. 348 00:16:57,066 --> 00:16:59,534 So let's just put all my expenses... 349 00:16:59,702 --> 00:17:03,695 into some pathetic idiot's account by the name of... 350 00:17:05,007 --> 00:17:06,941 Oh, Krenshaw. 351 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,737 - Oh. Now that's not very nice. - Oh, God. 352 00:17:09,912 --> 00:17:14,940 Hey, I was... I was just talking about you. And about how this isn't what it looks like. 353 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,608 - A lot of that going around. - Yeah. It's an epidemic. 354 00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:21,017 For example, my real name is Kremenski. 355 00:17:21,190 --> 00:17:24,387 - Is that sound...? Is that Jewish? - It's Russian. 356 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,357 Um... 357 00:17:27,730 --> 00:17:29,459 - Russian-Jewish? - I'm the mole, idiot. 358 00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,189 What? I made up the mole. 359 00:17:31,366 --> 00:17:34,802 Yes, but you told Pam and now everyone is looking for a real mole. 360 00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,164 God, do we hate Pam. 361 00:17:36,338 --> 00:17:38,238 - So I have to escape. - And irony. 362 00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:40,568 Thanks for breaking into the mainframe for me. 363 00:17:40,743 --> 00:17:43,610 - Double irony. - I'll need 50,000 for travel expenses. 364 00:17:43,779 --> 00:17:45,474 - Fifty thousand? - From your account. 365 00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:49,378 - That's too much. - It's all last-minute bookings for two. 366 00:17:49,551 --> 00:17:52,247 Wha...? Oh. 367 00:17:52,421 --> 00:17:55,549 Because when I hand the notorious Duchess to the KGB... 368 00:17:55,724 --> 00:17:58,352 I won't just get a promotion, I'll get my own dacha. 369 00:17:58,527 --> 00:18:00,688 - Too bad you'll never see it. - What the...? 370 00:18:00,863 --> 00:18:02,455 [GRUNTING] 371 00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,359 Lana, Krenshaw's a mole. 372 00:18:04,533 --> 00:18:07,093 And his name's not really Krenshaw, it's Kremenski. 373 00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:10,864 Definitely Russian, possibly a Jew. I don't know. Thoughts? 374 00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:13,530 Yeah. Shut up. And you, drop it. 375 00:18:13,709 --> 00:18:16,041 - Or what? - No, no, no. Do not wind her up. 376 00:18:16,211 --> 00:18:18,941 That is a big gun, and she is baby crazy. 377 00:18:19,581 --> 00:18:22,072 - Baby crazy? - That's why I dumped her. 378 00:18:22,251 --> 00:18:24,276 - You little... You sack of shit. - What? What? 379 00:18:24,453 --> 00:18:29,322 I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35-year-old umbilical cord. 380 00:18:29,491 --> 00:18:33,393 See? All you talk about is baby shit because you're baby crazy. 381 00:18:33,562 --> 00:18:36,554 - You wanna see crazy? - No, I've seen that movie... 382 00:18:36,732 --> 00:18:40,725 and spoiler alert, it ends with a closetful of my suits on fire. 383 00:18:40,903 --> 00:18:44,771 - I wish you'd been wearing one. - Who would want to wear an on-fire suit? 384 00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:46,805 - Cosplay enthusiasts. - What? 385 00:18:46,975 --> 00:18:50,274 Do you even hear how totally batshit insane you sound? 386 00:18:50,445 --> 00:18:51,776 I'll tell you what I hear. 387 00:18:51,947 --> 00:18:53,278 [ELEVATOR CLOSES] 388 00:18:53,448 --> 00:18:55,439 [ELEVATOR WHIRRING] 389 00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,046 Yeah, please keep talking. 390 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,384 So why are you sitting here in the car eating stir-fry? 391 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:06,654 Oh, it's Stir Friday. And Lana said to. 392 00:19:06,829 --> 00:19:08,558 MALORY: Krenshaw? - Ms. Archer? 393 00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:11,824 - What's this flap about a break-in? - Mother, look out. 394 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,092 Krenshaw is a mole. 395 00:19:13,268 --> 00:19:16,499 Oh, Pam's just full of crap as she is of carbohydrates. 396 00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:19,766 - Now... Hey. - Not this time, you impossible bitch. 397 00:19:19,942 --> 00:19:21,807 Also, you should all be nicer to Pam. 398 00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:24,468 - I am always nice to her. - To her face. 399 00:19:24,646 --> 00:19:27,740 - Why aren't you in the car? - Will somebody do something? 400 00:19:28,784 --> 00:19:30,274 What are you doing, you idiot? 401 00:19:30,452 --> 00:19:32,750 Shut up. It's classic misdirection. 402 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,357 CYRIL: Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, Kremenski. 403 00:19:36,525 --> 00:19:38,356 How is this a Mexican standoff? 404 00:19:38,527 --> 00:19:41,121 - Dumb-ass. KREMENSKI: I don't care if you shoot her. 405 00:19:41,296 --> 00:19:45,027 - I do. - But what if I shoot her, mama's boy? 406 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,031 MALORY: Sterling? - Yes. 407 00:19:47,202 --> 00:19:49,670 - Picture her dead in the gutter... - Sterling. 408 00:19:49,838 --> 00:19:53,968 And what your pathetic life will be like without old Mommy dearest. 409 00:19:54,142 --> 00:19:55,541 Jesus Christ. 410 00:19:55,711 --> 00:19:57,406 CYRIL: What is it? - He's got an erection. 411 00:19:57,579 --> 00:20:00,104 MALORY: What? - What the hell is wrong with you people? 412 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:01,442 [GUNSHOTS] 413 00:20:02,317 --> 00:20:04,945 Nothing. You, on the other hand... Ow. Ow. 414 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,678 - An erection? - Ow. Hey. 415 00:20:06,855 --> 00:20:08,083 What's in there, buckles? 416 00:20:08,257 --> 00:20:11,090 The thought of me dead gives you an erection? 417 00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:12,989 No, just half of one. 418 00:20:13,161 --> 00:20:17,063 The other half would have really missed you. I mean, not... 419 00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:18,560 - Oh. - Ugh. 420 00:20:18,734 --> 00:20:20,361 [SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE] 421 00:20:20,535 --> 00:20:22,025 Johnny Bench called. 422 00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:25,740 Yep. See here, Krenshaw just stole 50,000 from Archer's account. 423 00:20:25,908 --> 00:20:29,344 - Must have been doing it all along. - Apology accepted, ass douche. 424 00:20:29,511 --> 00:20:31,411 - What? LANA: Call him that again... 425 00:20:31,580 --> 00:20:33,013 - Make me. LANA: What? 426 00:20:33,181 --> 00:20:35,149 - Do you see this? - I just don't understand. 427 00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:39,048 - This is a hostile work environment. - I would have known if we had a mole. 428 00:20:39,221 --> 00:20:40,654 - How? - How what, dear? 429 00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,848 - How could you know if we had a mole? - Um... 430 00:20:44,026 --> 00:20:47,655 Then I am taking hot pepper... 431 00:20:48,196 --> 00:20:52,997 and slowly I am rubbing it around... MALORY [OVER PHONE]: Goddamn it. 432 00:20:53,235 --> 00:20:55,863 Hello? Darling? 433 00:20:56,138 --> 00:21:00,199 - Who was this? - Who are you, Comrade Question? 434 00:21:00,375 --> 00:21:02,343 And who are you, Comrade Questions? 435 00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:03,739 - Comrade...? - Oh, shut up. 436 00:21:03,912 --> 00:21:05,345 You and your erection. 437 00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:08,074 - And why are there doughnuts everywhere? - Lana did that. 438 00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:12,550 Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants. 439 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:32,629 [ENGLISH - US - SDH] 440 00:21:32,679 --> 00:21:37,229 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35014

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