All language subtitles for Anger Management s02e75 Cheat.eng

Charlie, stop. I really have to go.

I thought Pis worked
at night in the shadows.

We just got up. It's like the crack of...

oh, crap, it's 11:00.
I have to get to work.

I will see you later.

In the meantime, you can work

on solving the case
of my missing panties.

Well, they've been missing
since dinner last night.

Most cops will tell you if they don't
come back within the first 12 hours,

well, they're not coming back at all.

Hey, Charlie.

Hello, Maggie.

Hi, Jordan.

How's it going?

Still betraying your clients?

She didn't betray you.

It was an innocent misunderstanding.

Charlie, she double-crossed me
and almost got me fired.

In order to keep my job, I had
to spend four weeks in rehab

for a heroin addiction
I don't even have.

Hey, you got your job back

and now we know you're not
allergic to methadone.

Okay, I am gonna leave this to you.

Charlie, I'll see you later.

- Bye, Jordan.
- Maggie.

Ugh, God, I didn't need that today.

Sorry about that. I didn't
know she'd be here this late.

We had sex, like,
three times this morning...

Charlie, I don't need to hear it.

Will you let me finish my apology?

And it was fantastic.

So, is there anything I need to know

before I get started
with your group today?

Well, Ed recently discovered

the timeless classic,
"That's what she said,"

so try not to open with,
"Who wants to go first?"

'Cause I guarantee
that'll be what she said.

- You okay?
- I just found out that Sean...

took another job at a strip club.

Oh, is it the Distinguished
Gentlemen Executive Prestige Club?

'Cause that place
is basically a whorehouse.

No, it's the Shaved Fox.

Oh, that place is lovely.

A strip club is a really bad
environment for a guy

who has a history of cheating on
his girlfriends with strippers.

From where he works.

Look, I know you're upset right now,

so are you gonna be okay to go in
there and handle my group today?

Oh, yeah. Yes, I'm fine.
I'm a professional.

And if I haven't said it enough,

I really appreciate you
trusting me with your patients

while your license has been suspended.

Well, hey, you're doing a great job.

Look, Lacey just texted me the other day

that she wishes that she'd
gone to high school with you.

Yeah, she said she totally would have
dumped blood on my head at the prom.

That's not true.

Oh, yeah. "Dump blood." There it is.

I really should scroll all the way
down when I read these things.

Go get 'em, sport.

Anger Management 2x75
Charlie Plays Hide And Go Cheat

So, how's everybody doing today?

That's what she said.
( Laughs )

Okay, Ed, Charlie told me about this

and, well, you're kinda using it wrong.

That's what she said.
( Laughing )

Okay, actually that was better.

Moving on. Nolan, why don't you start?

Well, everything's okay except I don't
know what I want to do with my life

and, uh, every day I'm being crushed

by the weight of each new failure.

Oh, and I got a new Xbox.

Does anybody have anything
they want to add to this?

- Yes, Lacey betrayed me.
- I did not.

That's not related,
but it sounds more interesting.

Let's go with that. What happened?

Well, I was on a date with Akennedy...

Wow, a Kennedy? Which one?

Oh, no. Akennedy's his first name.

Akennedy Mambaso. He's African.

Anyway, we're at the bar,
everything's going great,

and then this one
shows up out of nowhere,

mentions I'm in anger therapy,

which puts a bullet right through
my relationship with Akennedy.

I really wish I hadn't
used that metaphor.

Sorry, the therapy thing
just slipped out.

That's the thanks I get
for helping her get a job.

Patrick helped you get a job?

It's a one-time thing.

I'm gonna be a fully-clothed model

in one of his art classes
at fashion school.

Uh, that's not true.

She's posing for the artist,
but she's gonna be a nude model.

I know what I want to do with my life.

I want to be an artist.

Patrick, this is exactly why I
told you not to say anything.

Sorry. It just slipped out.

That's what she said.

I... I think I've got this thing now.

( Sighs )

Lacey, of all of the jobs in the world,

why would you want to be a nude model?

There's a lot of designers
in that class,

and if one of them becomes
famous, I can be their muse

or their beard or their new best friend

who gets their Paris apartment

when they wrap their new
Lamborghini around a pole.

Do you realize that
there are men in this class

with girlfriends and wives,

and if they see someone
as hot as you bare-ass naked,

shakin' what your mama gave ya,

they'll hate what they've got at home?

I'm just taking off my robe
and sitting on a stool.

It's the same damn thing!

Uh, Jordan, can I talk to you
in the kitchen?

I have a cooking question.

When you're making spaghetti
and it goes crazy

and starts screaming at people,
what do you do?

What's going on out there?

Anger management therapists should
not be the ones getting angry.

I wasn't angry.

I was discussing the pros and
cons of Lacey posing naked

like meat in a butcher's window

when the butcher's wife
is at home eating rice cakes

just to lose a couple pounds
before bathing suit season!

My mistake. I thought I heard yelling.

Dude, I just got a new job at a strip...

mall.

Oh, come on. It's just a job.

You think I want to spend all my time

around a bunch of hot, naked
women with perfect bodies?

No, I'd rather be with you.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go home

and take a handful of laxatives.

Dude I'm not saying that you
won't get laid tonight,

but it's pretty much
gonna be all about her.

You know, I've never seen
Jordan lose it like that.

She's really convinced that
Sean's gonna cheat on her.

Just so you know, you never have to
worry about me getting like that.

Because you trust me. Thank you.

No, because you'd never
get away with it.

I'm a PI. I catch guys
who cheat for a living.

I'd always be two steps ahead of you.

Okay, okay, slow down there, Magnum.

Look, I don't wanna brag because I find
this whole subject matter distasteful,

but other than one little hiccup

that cost me a house and half my money,

I was a pretty good cheater.

I'm sorry, Charlie. I know you
think you're pretty clever,

but I'm a professional.

I could outsmart you every time.

Wow, you're that confident
that you're smarter than me.

Well, I guess there's only
one way to find out.

Really, just one?

'Cause I can think of two, but go on.

Let's see if I can catch you.

If you can get a picture
of you and a woman

in any hotel room in the city

by tomorrow night,

24 hours from now at exactly 8:00...

you send me that picture
before I find you, you win.

It's not gonna happen.

So you think that you can track me.

Well, guess what.

I'm not even here right now.

This is my Charlie hologram.

Really?

Pretty impressive technology, huh?

Here's your room, Rabbi.

Thank you, son.

Are you sure that nobody
followed us up here?

- Yes.
- Good.

'Cause it says in the Bible that "thou
shalt not be followed into a hotel room."

- There you go.
- Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

Especially because I have a religious
question I'd like to ask you.

Um... okay.

My uncle is a Hebrew teacher
at our temple

and he and I are having
a bit of a disagreement.

Maybe you can settle it.

Aw, Jesus.

I'm sorry. What is it?

Where do you stand on the claim

that the Rambam makes teshuva
a prerequisite for Geulah?

A wise man once said,

"It is not you who should be
asking questions of me,

it is I who should be
asking questions of you."

Where's the minibar key?

Hey, Charlie. Whoa, look at you.

( Whispers )
Just get in here.

Up high, Rabbi.

Thanks for coming by on such
short notice to take this photo.

- You're a champ, Lacey.
- Sure, no problem.

Wow, you are really going out
of your way to win this thing.

Well, I had to make sure
that Maggie didn't follow me,

so that's why I paid
for the rental car in cash

and registered at two other hotels.

And wore the ZZ Top outfit?

Yes, and wore the ZZ Top outfit.

I still don't understand
why it's so important

for you to outsmart this woman.

Ow!

It just seems so whack.

Oh, it is very whack. But I have to win.

All right, let's take this picture.
I gotta go.

I'm posing for Patrick's art class.

Oh, no, no, no.
We can't take the picture now.

We have to wait until exactly 8:00.

Okay, then change
the time on the clock to 8:00

so we can take the picture now.

No, no, no. I'm not
gonna win by cheating.

Even when I was a baseball
player, I never took steroids.

I mean, sure, I couldn't get the ball out
of the infield, but I held my head high.

Unless they threw garbage
at me from the stands.

Then I'd duck.

You're just gonna
have to find somebody else.

But there's only one hour left.
Who am I gonna ask?

- Did you ask Jordan?
- I can't ask Jordan.

She's worried about
Sean cheating on her,

and if I ask her to help me win a
cheating contest, she'll lose her mind.

( Sighs )
So, I'm, like, your only hope.

And you've done so much
for me in the past.

- So you'll stay?
- Oh, no.

Like I told you, I gotta go.

Hi, everybody. I'm Lacey.

Nice to meet you.

Everything is real.

Follow me on Twitter.

Find me on Instagram.

Hi, sweetie.

- Hey.
- Nolan?!

What the hell are you
doing here? Patrick?

I swear to God I had no idea
he would do this.

I'm auditing the class.

I told you I decided what
I want to do with my life.

I want to do...

whatever you call what
these people are doing.

It's called fashion design,
and you can never do it.

You don't have the talent.

Well, you gotta start somewhere,

and I've never been more ready
for anything in my life.

Can I borrow a pencil?

Fine, you can stay.

But I'm warning you,
you can't handle this.

Okay? It's like that "Raiders
of the Lost Ark" movie.

When I open my robe,
your face will melt.

Oh, please, I'll be fine.

As far as I'm concerned, you're only a
series of angles, shapes, and shadows.

At least his face didn't melt.

( Knocking on door )

Hey, sorry to barge in like this,

but you weren't answering your phone.

I'm in the middle of a fight with Sean.

Oh, well, I have a favor to ask you.

I have a favor to ask you.
This guy is a jerk.

That's not really a favor.

She still thinks
that I'm gonna cheat on her.

Because you have a history.

Jeez, just because
you sleep with one girl...

a week since I was 14...

Why would you say that out loud?

I'm kidding!

Will you please tell him
that cheating isn't funny?

It's not a joke. It's not a game.

Now what did you want to see me about?

Well, it's definitely not about
a funny, joking cheating game.

I got you guys a hotel room.

- What?
- That's the favor I need.

I just want my two best
friends to stop fighting.

It's tearing me apart.

So you got us a hotel room?

Yes. As a therapist, I know that couples

cannot resolve
an argument about fidelity

unless they have fantastic makeup sex...

in a bed they've
never had sex in before.

And room service.

I am a therapist and I have never
heard of anything like that before.

Yeah, well, have you read
every single study

about fidelity argumentation
in a non-married couple setting?

Is that even a thing?

You don't even know!
How can you challenge me!

Come on, Jordan. What do you say?

- I don't know.
- All right, Jordan's in. Sean?

It's crazy, but, honestly,
I would try anything

if it'll stop
all this ridiculous fighting.

And I'll try anything to see
Jordan standing in that hotel room

smiling, happy,
and in a healthy relationship.

A little before 8:00. Let's go.

Nice.

Good.

What do you think, Mr. Hornsby?

I think you're much too
worried about what I think.

You're right. I think it's great.

If you think it's great.
Do you think it's great?

- I kind of do.
- Thank you, but you don't matter.

Oh, my God.

Nolan: I know, it's not finished.

I was gonna draw me standing next
to Lacey in front of our house

with our kid playing in the yard.

"Hey, Lacey." "Yeah?"

"I don't know why you're
standing outside naked,

but we had a boy."

No, it's... it's wonderful.
It's extraordinary.

Oh, please! This was an accident.

If you put a monkey
in front of a canvas,

eventually he's gonna
paint the Mona Lisa.

A monkey painted that?

That's why she had that smile.

She was looking at a monkey.

Okay, here we go.

So...

what do you think?

You didn't have to walk us
up to the room, Charlie.

You could have just given us the key.

But then I wouldn't have seen your faces

when you saw the room.

Here it is, the room.

Here they are, our faces.

Bye, now.

You're kicking me out?

It's not even 8:00.

You've got to give me at least
a minute and 45 seconds...

to tell you about the room,
maybe take a picture,

and then I'll get going.

- A picture?
- Yes, yes.

To capture the magic of the moment.

Have you seen this light switch?

It turns on those two lamps
all the way over there.

Look at this. Huh? Huh? Look at that.

Huh?

Charlie, we really appreciate this,

but Sean and I could use
some time alone to...

Boom! A robe.

Wait, wait.

You're not gonna believe this.

Boom! Another robe.

Yes, Charlie. We've both
been in a hotel room before.

Yeah, but have you ever
seen one of these?

A clock radio that charges your iPhone.

We gotta get a picture
next to this bad boy.

In a minute.

Charlie, get out.

Get out, get out, get out.

Oh, my God. This bed is amazing.

Ugh, no!

Don't you know you're not
supposed to lay on the bedspread?

Do you have any idea what
goes on in a place like this?

All right, all right.
I'm going, I'm going.

Let me just get a picture
for my scrapbook

and then I'm gone.

- Your scrapbook?
- Yeah, it's my new hobby.

I saw Jordan doing it and I thought,

"Why am I drinking for fun
when I could be scrapbooking?"

( Clicks )

Oh, nice. Charlie got his creepy picture.

Now he can get going.

Okay, let me get one
with just me and Jordan.

If this is going in your
scrapbook, I want to fix my hair.

Your hair looks great!
We gotta do this now.

( Clicks )
Okay, got it.

Now I just send this.

Okay, what the hell's going on here?

- Give it back.
- I will give it back to you

when you tell me what is going on.

Why are you sending
this picture to Maggie?

Maggie?

We're in a competition over whether
I can cheat on her or not.

And if I don't send that photo in the
next 15 seconds, I'm gonna lose.

- Oh, sorry, dude.
- Thanks.

And send. And I win!

So this is all about proving
how good of a cheater you are?

Do you understand how sensitive
of a subject this is for me?

Yes, that's why I lied about it.

Because I respect you.

You are a horrible person.

Okay, okay, clearly this is
a tense subject for you,

so why don't you and Sean
just put on your robes

and crawl under this dubious comforter

and I'll be on my way out?

No, I'll be on my way out.

You go work at your strip club

and you go accept your award
for Cheater of the Year.

Where are you going?

Home to make a scrapbook that
celebrates dignity and fidelity.

Just so you know, I'm going after her

and I'm probably gonna be
trashing you quite a bit.

Do what you gotta do, bro.

- Hey.
- Hey, you made it.

What, you didn't think I'd show

because you won the cheating contest?

The cheating cont... oh,
that's right, I did win.

I almost forgot that I
completely outsmarted a PI.

( Laughs )
In your face.

I'm breaking up with you.

Because I said, "In your face"?
I didn't mean that.

It was just a more clever
way of saying, "Ha-ha."

I just don't feel comfortable
being with a guy

who I know could cheat
on me if he wanted to.

But I don't want to.

Then why did you go
through all the trouble

trying to prove that you could?

Because we were playing a game.

Trust me, when I actually
cheat, I'm really sloppy.

You'd catch me in a heartbeat.

It's happened a million times.

So you've been caught
cheating a million times?

See? Sloppy.

I'll see you later, Charlie.

It was fun.
( Scoffs )

No, it wasn't.

You didn't have to run all over town

looking for a beard
to match your eyebrows.

It was a disguise.

I was trying to prove
that I could cheat on her

and she's just mad 'cause I won.

Well, congratulations.

Being the best used to mean
something in this town.

So, I showed up at my
mother's house last night,

unannounced, and I said,

"That's it, Mom. We're through."

We're done with the anger
and the back-stabbing.

"I love you, Mom."

Oh, my God, Patrick, that's wonderful.

That's because of you, Jordan.

You helped me find
the courage inside myself.

Thank you, Jordan.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Charlie, did you hear that?

Patrick had an incredible
emotional breakthrough

with his mother last night

and he says it's because of me.

Well, great work, Jordan.

And, by the way, his mother's
been dead for years.

I'm sorry. That was wrong.

It's just I had a really rough
day in art class yesterday

and I needed some praise
from an authority figure.

I'm glad you felt
you could be so cavalier

about damaging our budding
therapeutic relationship.

Eh.

Any other lies you guys told
Jordan that you want to cop to?

- Nah.
- Nolan: No.

- No.
- Guys.

I didn't donate a kidney
to an American Indian.

I didn't get a job at the Apple store.

I had an apple in a store.

And I didn't really think
you looked cute today.

For some reason, that hurts the most.

Well, I think we should celebrate.

I got my license back today.

( Cheering )

And Jordan has done a
fantastic job in my absence.

So, any final thoughts for the group?

I want you guys to know that this has
been a very enriching experience for me.

And, Lacey, once again I apologize for
getting upset with you the other day.

It's just, um...

That I'm sexier than you
and you're jealous?

No, it's that...

I'm younger than you and you're jealous?

No, it's that, um...

Men stare at me when I pass by
and they call you "Ma'am"

and ask you if you need help crossing
the street because you're so old?

Okay, I get it!

Keep it together, Jordan, keep it together.

( Sighs )
I'm fine.

Just been a little on edge this week
because of Sean's new job,

but he came home last night
and told me that the only reason

he was working at the strip club is
to pay his way through nursing school.

'Cause that's what he really wants to do.

Um... Jordan, I think Sean said that...

I gotta believe it, okay?
I have to believe it.

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